God challenges the Devil to a game of baseball.

“How can I lose?” God said. “I have all the best players up here!”

“How can I lose?” Said the Devil. “I have all of the umpires down here.”

I'm a physicist and I went to a baseball game the other day....A foul ball got hit my way.... As the baseball came toward me, I was trying to work out how long it would take to reach me, based on its arc and velocity...

And then it hit me.

My son lost a youth baseball game because of heavy rain...

...he received a precipitation trophy

I just found out the kool-aid man plays on a baseball team.

He's the pitcher.

Bill and Hillary Clinton are at a baseball game...

Bill and Hillary Clinton are at a baseball game. During the opening ceremonies, their secret service agent goes to Bill and whispers something in his ear. Bill looks up at the agent and says "I'm not sure I can do that". The agent then says "Well, sir, it's the teams and fans request and I think we ...

Why does Santa always keep a Baseball bat in his sleigh?

For Claus combat.

What did Jim Carrey say when he wasn’t allowed to have a left handed baseball player on his team?

Allllllllllll righty then!

Why do they play baseball games at night?

Because the bats are asleep during the day.

Baseball Dreams

Doctor: What did you dream about last night?

Patient: Baseball.

Doctor: Don’t you dream about anything else?

Patient: What, and miss my turn at bat?

What position did Jesus play on his baseball team?

Pitcher. He gave his sermon on the mound.

Why did it get so hot in the baseball stadium after the game?

All of the fans left.

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Why can’t dinosaurs play baseball?

Because they’re fucking dead

A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he snuck across the border.

He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:

"What h...

They won't be serving beer for the rest of the year at Chicago Cubs baseball games.

They lost the opener.

Why is it difficult for orphans to play baseball?

Because it's hard to find home

I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger...

...then it hit me.

Did you hear about the opera singer who threw the game-opening baseball?

They say he had perfect pitch.

What do baseball and baking a cake have in common?

It's all about the batter

Who is the least acidic baseball player of all time?

Al Kaline.

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Railroad

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, w...

Two avid baseball fans dying of cancer have a discussion about the afterlife...

The first man says, "do you think they have baseball in heaven?"

The second man replies, "I don't know, but if one of us dies we need to come back and tell the other person if there is baseball in heaven."

The first man agrees and so ends their conversation.

After a few months t...

My parents are old fashioned. When I was a boy they wanted me to play baseball.

And When I was a girl they wanted me to see a psychiatrist

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At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked,...

“Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?”
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
“Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?”
The little boy nodded yes.
“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when an out is called, you shou...

I saw a giant mouse so I tried killing it with a baseball bat

So now I have a lifetime ban from Disneyland

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A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.The woman's husband also comes home.She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is inthere already.The little boy says, "Dark in here."The man says, "Yes, it is."Boy - "I have a ba...

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What do you call a detective that can pitch a perfect game of baseball.

A dick with no balls.

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A Banana walks into a bar

He sits down and orders an alcoholic beverage. The bartender brings the banana his beverage and the banana begins to drink the beverage. Then a beautiful cucumber enters the bar and sits by the banana. The banana is quite taken by the cucumber. He asks if she’d like to go with him to the bathroom fo...

What do a bad baseball player and a male goose have in common

they both have foul balls

A man walks into a bar

A man walked into a bar with his dog and ordered a few drinks. At the end of the night, when he got the tab, he was astounded at the $50 check. He calls the bar tender over hoping to strike a deal. “Bartender, I only have 20 bucks I can’t pay for this drink. Let’s make a deal, if my dog can talk the...

Being from the UK, I see the US election is a bit like baseball.

Lots of adults inexplicably wearing caps and I have no idea who is winning or what the rules are!

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Gorilla Hunting *long*

A very rich man decides that he is going to take a trip to Africa to hunt the legendary Great White Gorilla. But as he has no hunting experience, he places an ad to hire a hunting guide. Days go by and no one answers his ad. The man is scheduled to leave for his trip in 2 days and still not a single...

A baseball player worked part time at a bakery

His boss told him "Hey batter batter batter"

It’s the first baseball game of 2020

This was told to me by my 90 year old Grandpa.

It’s the first baseball game of the 2020 season. A father and son are watching the home opener of their favorite team on television. The first batter up to the plate gets hit with the ball and is walked down to first. While at the base, the runn...

Two old men, who are growing very old and love the sport of baseball make a pact with each other one day...

These men love the game, they always talk the off-season trades, the winter meetings, watch every game of the season, and recollect on the players of their hay day. So they decide to form a pact. The first one to die will come back to the other and inform them if there is baseball in heaven.

...

I opened a fresh loaf of bread and found a baseball card wedged between two slices.

It was a Catcher in the Rye.

Why does China have the best baseball team?

Because they took out the whole world with one bat

Why are Australians such confident baseball players?

They’re always being told “good eye”


Yes I realize this is stupid :)

Do you know the reason all the bat boys in major league baseball are replaced when they turn 18?

Because otherwise you'd have to call him Batman.

Cleveland has announced their baseball team will no longer be called "The Indians". It's about time.

Now we can finally call them the Cleveland Steamers.

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A man in Alberta wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof.

So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough..there's an ad for "Alberta Bear Removers."
He calls the number and the man says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean heavily scarred old pi...

Why couldn’t the Chinese kids play baseball?

Because they ate their bats.

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Fred was hanging out at the local bar.

As it happens, his bladder became full of the liquid that came out of the tap so he went into the washroom to relieve himself. As he stood at the urinal, one hand on the wall and the other holding his private member, he heard a loud crash and the washroom door was broken down off it's hinges. A tall...

Jose came back from his first trip to the U.S. and was very excited and wanted to tell his family all about it.

"What did you do?" asked his brother.

"I went to a Yankee baseball game. It was great!"

"Were the people nice to you?" asked his mother.

"Mama, they couldn't have been nicer. Before the game started, everyone stood up and asked me 'Jose can you see?'"

Years ago, I viciously beat up my high school bully with a baseball bat. Both of his arms were broken.

Come to think of it, that's probably why I felt brave enough to beat him up.

Is baseball mentioned in the bible?

Yes!

In the "big inning"

Why was the old lady kicked off the baseball team?

She swallowed a fly.

Ever wondered why China doesn't have a baseball team?

Because they ate all their bats.

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What do Nazi's and baseballs have in common?

Everyone cheers when you hit them with a bat.

Did you hear about the Toronto baseball player who was arrested for illegally crossing the street?

Jaywalking

One day a baseball umpire brought his son to a game to watch him work. Dutmring the game, the umpire was rude and insulting, even to the point of spitting and cursing the players. At the end of the game he knelt down and beckoned his son to come sit on his knee. The boy refused saying . . .

The son never sits on the brutish umpire.

The one about the mental patients and the baseball game

There once was a doctor at a mental hospital, who had to take care of the craziest and most mentally unstable patients in the hospital, which they called the "nuts." The doctor, along with his assistant, would soon get through a breakthrough by giving them simple orders and addressing them as "nuts....

A baseball came through my window today

It really hit home

I didn’t really understand baseball in the past

Just didn’t catch it back then

Going to a baseball game is like going to a funeral

Sure you came to show your support but halfway through you’re hoping they bury this thing soon so you can get out of there.

Two guys made a deal with each other about baseball.

Bill and Bob both really love baseball.

The two guys made a deal that whoever died first would have to come down from above and tell the other guy if there was baseball in heaven.

When Bill died, he came down to tell bob.

Bill: I have good news and bad news.

Bob: The g...

What do you call a chihuahua that plays baseball?

a lil pitchy dog

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What do you call an impotent baseball player?

Two balls and a strike.

Why was the leper baseball match cancelled?

People started throwing hands

Why hasn’t baseball returned from covid shutdown?

They are unable to test all the bats

What do baseball scouts look for when they go to a Mexican restaurant?

Fajitas

People say I’m too aggressive when I’m trading baseball cards.

It’s because I’m Ruthless.

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So, a guy is being shown around an insane asylum on his first day of working there

He looks into a room through a window in the door and sees a man flailing his arms back and forth. So he asks “What are you doing in there”?

The reply back is “I’m a famous baseball player, and when I get out of here I’m going to win the World Series”

Moving on to the next door and lo...

Some punk kids threw a baseball through the lower half of my window, and then jumped through an entire other window to get it!

Let me tell you, it was a pane and a half to replace.

Two 95 year old men, Jack and Sam, are huge baseball fans.

One day, Jack falls seriously ill, and doesn’t have long to live. Sam visits him in the hospital to say goodbye. Sam asks him a favor before he passes.

“Hey Jack, when you get to heaven, can you see if there is baseball there? If there is, tell me.”

“I can certainly try, for my best fr...

What is Anakin Skywalker's favorite baseball team?

The Padres!

Have you heard of the baseball player whose full name was babe?

He was ruthless

Why do gang members play baseball?

They like to hit and run.

Paddy had just arrived in New York from Ireland and was invited by one of his American cousins to go to his first baseball game.

Seated in the Yankee Stadium bleachers, he watched as a man swung a
stick, hit a ball and started toward a white bag
down the line. Everyone stood up and yelled,
"Run, run!"
Then a second guy came up to the plate,
whacked the ball and started down toward the
white bag. Everyone sto...

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, sir, I ...

So a baseball coach and an English teacher are watching a game in a bar.

The coach gets up to go to the bathroom. He comes back 10 minutes later and sits next to his friend. He squints at the TV and says, "Bases are loaded, but who's on first?"

The English teacher sighs and says, "I'm not getting into that tired old joke with you. And it's 'WHOM', not 'WHO'."
...

I miss baseball so much...

I miss baseball so much that I've been substituting things I see out of my front window.
Today there's two old ladies drinking on the corner:
It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded...

Have you heard about the disease named after a baseball skill?

It's catching.

Bill and Bob are best friends and are also baseball fans...

...they are sitting in a bar discussing if heaven has baseball. They decide to make a pact. The first to die will return and tell the other if baseball has heaven or not. Years go buy and Bob dies. Bill is walking down the road and has forgotten their pact. Suddenly Bob appears. Bill is shocked and ...

Baseball bet

Two guys are sitting at the bar watching a baseball game when the batter hits a high pop fly to center field.

The first guy says “I’ll bet you $50 bucks he drops it.”

Second guy says “You’re on. That’s an easy play.”

The centerfield proceeds to drop the ball and the second gu...

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How is sex different from baseball?

Tossing your bat in front of a crowd won't get you arrested.

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A woman is having an affair...

... with a man.

One day, her 14-year-old son hides in the closet to watch what they do.Surprisingly, the husband comes home and the wife hides her lover in the closet without realizing that her son is already in there.

Son: " Kinda dark in here."Man: "Yes."Son: "I have a baseball."Man:...

Talking Dog

I remember the old talking dog joke on some looney tunes cartoon. Man says "Ya gotta hire me and my talking dog! What's on top of a house, boy?"

(Dog barks) "Ruff!"

"See? He said Roof! What do the shingles feel like, boy?"

(Dog barks again)

"See, he said Rough! Who's the ...

Did you hear all the Major League Baseball teams shut down?

Apparently you can get COVID-19 from bats.

Baseball in heaven.

Two senior baseball fans John and Greg always wondered if the game of baseball existed in heaven.

So they made a pact. “Whoever out of us two die first HAS to come back to earth to confirm wether there is baseball in heaven.”

Unfortunately John passes away a week later, and true to h...

Did you know baseball was played in the Old Testament?

In the big inning, Adam took one, Eve took one, and the Lord threw them both out.

Baseball.

Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90’s, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill.

His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they’re reminiscing about their long friendship. The friend says, “Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want ...

Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball.

Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and...

Trump's favorite baseball team is the Yankees

Except during the draft, then it's the Dodgers.

Donald Trump is attending a baseball game with Melania.

The game is about to start, and the speaker makes an announcement. Suddenly Donald grabs Melania and throws her off the balcony.

After a few seconds of silence, the speaker comes on again:

"No, Mr President, I said throw the first PITCH"

A little girl went to her dad’s baseball game.

Her dad is an MLB player. He’s famous for bunting the ball. The little girl doesn’t understand. She thinks the point is to the swing all the way with the bat.

So, next time he bunted, the girl shouted, much to the shock of the crowd, “HARDER DADDY!”

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Why do bisexual people make the best baseball players?

Because they can swing both ways

Two man are strikes each other with baseball bat.

After 3 strikes the first one was out.




Edit : The typo kind of ruins it.

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