Why did the orphans only play half a season of baseball?

There were no home games.

I'm a physicist and I went to a baseball game the other day....A foul ball got hit my way.... As the baseball came toward me, I was trying to work out how long it would take to reach me, based on its arc and velocity...

And then it hit me.

My parents are old fashioned. When I was a boy they wanted me to play baseball.

And When I was a girl they wanted me to see a psychiatrist

What did Jim Carrey say when he wasn’t allowed to have a left handed baseball player on his team?

Allllllllllll righty then!

I opened a fresh loaf of bread and found a baseball card wedged between two slices.

It was a Catcher in the Rye.

Two avid baseball fans dying of cancer have a discussion about the afterlife...

The first man says, "do you think they have baseball in heaven?"

The second man replies, "I don't know, but if one of us dies we need to come back and tell the other person if there is baseball in heaven."

The first man agrees and so ends their conversation.

After a few months t...

I saw a giant mouse so I tried killing it with a baseball bat

So now I have a lifetime ban from Disneyland

Why do they play baseball games at night?

Because the bats are asleep during the day.

Baseball Dreams

Doctor: What did you dream about last night?

Patient: Baseball.

Doctor: Don’t you dream about anything else?

Patient: What, and miss my turn at bat?

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What do you call a detective that can pitch a perfect game of baseball.

A dick with no balls.

Why did it get so hot in the baseball stadium after the game?

All of the fans left.

What position did Jesus play on his baseball team?

Pitcher. He gave his sermon on the mound.

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A man in Alberta wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof.

So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough..there's an ad for "Alberta Bear Removers."
He calls the number and the man says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean heavily scarred old pi...

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A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes it’s.”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
Boy: ‟$250.”

In the next few weeks, it hap...

Is baseball mentioned in the bible?

Yes!

In the "big inning"

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At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked,...

“Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?”
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
“Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?”
The little boy nodded yes.
“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when an out is called, you shou...

God challenges the Devil to a game of baseball.

“How can I lose?” God said. “I have all the best players up here!”

“How can I lose?” Said the Devil. “I have all of the umpires down here.”

Cleveland has announced their baseball team will no longer be called "The Indians". It's about time.

Now we can finally call them the Cleveland Steamers.

Two old men, who are growing very old and love the sport of baseball make a pact with each other one day...

These men love the game, they always talk the off-season trades, the winter meetings, watch every game of the season, and recollect on the players of their hay day. So they decide to form a pact. The first one to die will come back to the other and inform them if there is baseball in heaven.

...

Going to a baseball game is like going to a funeral

Sure you came to show your support but halfway through you’re hoping they bury this thing soon so you can get out of there.

Being from the UK, I see the US election is a bit like baseball.

Lots of adults inexplicably wearing caps and I have no idea who is winning or what the rules are!

Why couldn’t the Chinese kids play baseball?

Because they ate their bats.

Two guys made a deal with each other about baseball.

Bill and Bob both really love baseball.

The two guys made a deal that whoever died first would have to come down from above and tell the other guy if there was baseball in heaven.

When Bill died, he came down to tell bob.

Bill: I have good news and bad news.

Bob: The g...

Did you hear about the Toronto baseball player who was arrested for illegally crossing the street?

Jaywalking

One day a baseball umpire brought his son to a game to watch him work. Dutmring the game, the umpire was rude and insulting, even to the point of spitting and cursing the players. At the end of the game he knelt down and beckoned his son to come sit on his knee. The boy refused saying . . .

The son never sits on the brutish umpire.

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.


After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'


The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.


In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, '...

Why are Australians such confident baseball players?

They’re always being told “good eye”


Yes I realize this is stupid :)

The one about the mental patients and the baseball game

There once was a doctor at a mental hospital, who had to take care of the craziest and most mentally unstable patients in the hospital, which they called the "nuts." The doctor, along with his assistant, would soon get through a breakthrough by giving them simple orders and addressing them as "nuts....

A baseball player worked part time at a bakery

His boss told him "Hey batter batter batter"

My friend came back from his baseball game and complained it was hot.

He said because of COVID there were no fans

It’s the first baseball game of 2020

This was told to me by my 90 year old Grandpa.

It’s the first baseball game of the 2020 season. A father and son are watching the home opener of their favorite team on television. The first batter up to the plate gets hit with the ball and is walked down to first. While at the base, the runn...

Why does China have the best baseball team?

Because they took out the whole world with one bat

Why was the old lady kicked off the baseball team?

She swallowed a fly.

What do you call a chihuahua that plays baseball?

a lil pitchy dog

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What do you call an impotent baseball player?

Two balls and a strike.

I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger.

Then it hit me.

Why was the leper baseball match cancelled?

People started throwing hands

Do you know the reason all the bat boys in major league baseball are replaced when they turn 18?

Because otherwise you'd have to call him Batman.

Ever wondered why China doesn't have a baseball team?

Because they ate all their bats.

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What do Nazi's and baseballs have in common?

Everyone cheers when you hit them with a bat.

A baseball came through my window today

It really hit home

What do roosters have in common with baseball?

Fowl balls.

People say I’m too aggressive when I’m trading baseball cards.

It’s because I’m Ruthless.

What do baseball scouts look for when they go to a Mexican restaurant?

Fajitas

Some punk kids threw a baseball through the lower half of my window, and then jumped through an entire other window to get it!

Let me tell you, it was a pane and a half to replace.

What do cakes and baseball teams have in common?

They both need a good batter.

Why hasn’t baseball returned from covid shutdown?

They are unable to test all the bats

I didn’t really understand baseball in the past

Just didn’t catch it back then

Paddy had just arrived in New York from Ireland and was invited by one of his American cousins to go to his first baseball game.

Seated in the Yankee Stadium bleachers, he watched as a man swung a
stick, hit a ball and started toward a white bag
down the line. Everyone stood up and yelled,
"Run, run!"
Then a second guy came up to the plate,
whacked the ball and started down toward the
white bag. Everyone sto...

Two 95 year old men, Jack and Sam, are huge baseball fans.

One day, Jack falls seriously ill, and doesn’t have long to live. Sam visits him in the hospital to say goodbye. Sam asks him a favor before he passes.

“Hey Jack, when you get to heaven, can you see if there is baseball there? If there is, tell me.”

“I can certainly try, for my best fr...

Years ago, I viciously beat up my high school bully with a baseball bat. Both of his arms were broken.

Come to think of it, that's probably why I felt brave enough to beat him up.

I miss baseball so much...

I miss baseball so much that I've been substituting things I see out of my front window.
Today there's two old ladies drinking on the corner:
It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded...

Bill and Bob are best friends and are also baseball fans...

...they are sitting in a bar discussing if heaven has baseball. They decide to make a pact. The first to die will return and tell the other if baseball has heaven or not. Years go buy and Bob dies. Bill is walking down the road and has forgotten their pact. Suddenly Bob appears. Bill is shocked and ...

Baseball bet

Two guys are sitting at the bar watching a baseball game when the batter hits a high pop fly to center field.

The first guy says “I’ll bet you $50 bucks he drops it.”

Second guy says “You’re on. That’s an easy play.”

The centerfield proceeds to drop the ball and the second gu...

Have you heard of the baseball player whose full name was babe?

He was ruthless

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How is sex different from baseball?

Tossing your bat in front of a crowd won't get you arrested.

Sports Enthusiasts

I got hired by my local baseball team to keep the players cool in the locker room. It was a difficult job because I'm not a fan.

What was Ghandi’s favorite part of a baseball game?

The seventh inning stretch.

So a baseball coach and an English teacher are watching a game in a bar.

The coach gets up to go to the bathroom. He comes back 10 minutes later and sits next to his friend. He squints at the TV and says, "Bases are loaded, but who's on first?"

The English teacher sighs and says, "I'm not getting into that tired old joke with you. And it's 'WHOM', not 'WHO'."
...

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A woman is having an affair...

... with a man.

One day, her 14-year-old son hides in the closet to watch what they do.Surprisingly, the husband comes home and the wife hides her lover in the closet without realizing that her son is already in there.

Son: " Kinda dark in here."Man: "Yes."Son: "I have a baseball."Man:...

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Johnny does the alphabet

Little johnny is in class and the teacher is going through the alphabet a letter at a time. She starts with the letter “A” and all the students eagerly put their hands up to say a word that begins with the letter A. Including Johnny. The teacher knows better, she knows if she picks johnnyhe is gon...

Have you heard about the disease named after a baseball skill?

It's catching.

A man buys a brand new sports car and on his first drive overtakes a pick up truck from the wrong side.

The truck driver is huge and has anger issues. He gets furious, speeds up and decided to teach the man a lesson at the next stop light just a few miles ahead.

They reach a red light where the pick up driver pulls ahead of the car. He steps out of the trucks and drags the man out of the car. H...

A guy walks into a bar with a dog and the bartender says "No pets allowed!"

The guy says "This isn't a pet, he's my friend and he can talk."

The bartender is skeptical and demands the guy proves it.

The guy asks the dog "What's the opposite of 'soft'?" The dog replies "Rough!"

The bartender remains skeptical and asks for more proof.

The guy asks ...

Baseball in heaven.

Two senior baseball fans John and Greg always wondered if the game of baseball existed in heaven.

So they made a pact. “Whoever out of us two die first HAS to come back to earth to confirm wether there is baseball in heaven.”

Unfortunately John passes away a week later, and true to h...

Did you know baseball was played in the Old Testament?

In the big inning, Adam took one, Eve took one, and the Lord threw them both out.

Trump's favorite baseball team is the Yankees

Except during the draft, then it's the Dodgers.

A guy walks out of a bar

On his way home he heads up an alley way and in that alley way, he sees a dumpster with a lamp in it

The guy picks up the lamp, opens its lid and a genie pops out saying “ I am the genie of the lost lamp and I will grant you 3 wishes but whatever you ask for, you’re ex wife gets double”
...

A little girl went to her dad’s baseball game.

Her dad is an MLB player. He’s famous for bunting the ball. The little girl doesn’t understand. She thinks the point is to the swing all the way with the bat.

So, next time he bunted, the girl shouted, much to the shock of the crowd, “HARDER DADDY!”

Baseball.

Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90’s, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill.

His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they’re reminiscing about their long friendship. The friend says, “Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want ...

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A guy walks into a bar with his dog.

He says, "Hey, bartender, check this out. My dog can talk!"

The bartender says, "I don't believe that for a second."

"I'm serious. Ask him any question, and he'll give you an answer."

Just to humor the guy, the bartender goes, "Okay, dog. What do you call the top of a house?"...

Donald Trump is attending a baseball game with Melania.

The game is about to start, and the speaker makes an announcement. Suddenly Donald grabs Melania and throws her off the balcony.

After a few seconds of silence, the speaker comes on again:

"No, Mr President, I said throw the first PITCH"

Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball.

Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and...

Two man are strikes each other with baseball bat.

After 3 strikes the first one was out.




Edit : The typo kind of ruins it.

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Why do bisexual people make the best baseball players?

Because they can swing both ways

A guy was trying to find a parking space at a baseball game

and he was already missing the first inning, so he prayed to God and said "If you find a parking space for me I promise I'll never miss church again." Just then a car pulled out of a space right in front of him, and the guy said "Never mind, I just found one."

Who was the most basic person to ever play the game of baseball?

Al Kaline

Thought of this this morning. Pretty sure it's OC.

My favorite joke since I was five

I’ve seen other versions on here, but this is how I’ve always told it for the last 30+ years...


**Why was it so hot at the baseball game...**


*...because there weren’t any fans there!*

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Why did the horny duck go to the baseball game?

She was trying to catch some fowl balls.

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