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God challenges the Devil to a game of baseball.

“How can I lose?” God said. “I have all the best players up here!”

“How can I lose?” Said the Devil. “I have all of the umpires down here.”

How is Korean boxing like baseball?

They always knock out one of the Parks.

What do you call a baseball player that holds water?

A pitcher.

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Little Johnny and Baseball

Once a man having an affair unexpectedly finds the husband returning earlier than expected, He ends up hiding in the closet, where, unfortunately for him, little Johnny is also hiding.

Johnny: “Dark in here.”
“Yes it is.”
“I have a baseball.”
“That’s nice.”
“Want to b...

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For all baseball fans enjoying the 2022 Fall Classic....

Two friends have loved each other, and attended countless ballgames located all over the world, and enjoyed excellent baseball moments together

Decades passed, and one of the two buddies became terribly ill. It was time for one of the two friends to sleep peacefully for eternity.

The ...

A man and a dog walk into a bar

Both get up on stools and the bartender says "sorry no dogs"

"But my dog can talk"

Bartender: "Prove it"

"Fido, what is the top part of a house called"

Dog: "Roof, roof"

Bartender (annoyed): "You're going to have to do better than that"

"Fido, what is the hi...

I got kicked out of a B League baseball game for heckling the players

When they approached me I asked them “Are you telling me I’m outta here?!”

Does anyone else realize that baseball is actually illegal?

Hit and run is a felony.

I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger.

**Then it hit me.**

What position does Kool-aid Man play in baseball?

Relief Pitcher :^)

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Jerking off is like baseball

It starts with the phillies, then yankees, then you have white sox

A football quarterback, soccer wing forward, baseball designated hitter, volleyball setter, hockey winger and cricket batsman walk into a bar...

# POST REMOVED

**Rule 10 -** Overly ***offensive*** content

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Baseball

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet. One day, the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet as well. Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it? "Yes it is. " the man repli...

My father, who as a child loved baseball, once told me about a time that his dad broke his favorite baseball bat in half because he came home late one night.

When I was younger, and I loved video games, my dad smashed my Playstation after he found a pack of cigarettes in my room. Now, as a father myself, I told myself I'd never do this to *my* son. My son loves BMX and wants to be in the X-Games. Last night I caught him using my credit card to gamble onl...

Why are bakers great at baseball?

They make the best batters

Two old ladies go to a baseball game with a jug of whiskey. Name the inning and number of players on the bases.

Bottom of the fifth, bags are loaded.

Baseball in Heaven

Steven and Richard are two old roommates who have always loved baseball.

Together, they make an arrangement. Since they're not getting any younger, the first one to die has to let the other know if there is baseball in heaven.

Specifically, a year after his death, he will sit on the do...

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Gorilla removal

A guy was drinking beers one day at his house and he heard some banging on the roof, so he walks outside sees a gorilla on the roof says nope fuck that and goes back inside and watches tv A lwhile later he sees an ad on TV for gorilla removal it says in and out in 30 minutes. The guy calls up the nu...

Why is baseball telecaster Karen's preferred job?

She gets to speak with the manager after each game

Here's one for all of you baseball and chemistry fans

Hall of Famer Al Kaline wore #6 throughout his career, which actually makes him slightly acidic.

Years ago, I viciously beat up my high school bully with a baseball bat. Both of his arms were broken.

Come to think of it, that's probably why I felt brave enough to beat him up.

I'm a physicist and I went to a baseball game the other day....A foul ball got hit my way.... As the baseball came toward me, I was trying to work out how long it would take to reach me, based on its arc and velocity...

And then it hit me.

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that ...

Why can't orphans play baseball?

Because they don't know where home is. (Smiles was my intention sorry to anyone I offended)

My wife didn't leave me because I'm lazy, overweight and jobless. She left me because I don't know anything about baseball.

That was strike four.

What are Pee Wee Herman's favorite Baseball Teams?

The Expos and The Yankees

I recently heard that Turkeys aren't allowed to play baseball.

No matter how many times they hit, they'll always hit Fowl balls.

What is an alcoholics least favorite part of a baseball game?

The bottom of the 5th.

Barry Bonds and Mark McGwire were finally able to get into the Baseball Hall of Fame by using a Jedi mind trick...

"These are not the 'roids you're looking for ..."

Why did the cops show up at the baseball game?

They heard someone was stealing bases.

Why is baseball banned in China?

We all know what happened the last time someone ate the bat.

Bill and Hillary Clinton are at a baseball game...

Bill and Hillary Clinton are at a baseball game. During the opening ceremonies, their secret service agent goes to Bill and whispers something in his ear. Bill looks up at the agent and says "I'm not sure I can do that". The agent then says "Well, sir, it's the teams and fans request and I think we ...

China has the best baseball team.

They took out the whole world with one bat.

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A man and his dog walk into a bar

A guy and his dog walk into a bar. The bartender says "I'm sorry guys, you'll have to leave. No dogs allowed."

The man says, "But mine talks."

The bartender says "Bullshit"

The man says "I'll bet you $10,000 he can talk."

The bartender says "Fine, prove it then. But if he...

I saw a giant mouse so I tried killing it with a baseball bat

So now I have a lifetime ban from Disneyland

Did you hear about the opera singer who threw the game-opening baseball?

They say he had perfect pitch.

My baseball team don't allow anyone to wear Adidas.

Three stripes and you're out.

For all the baseball fans..

How does a Yankee fan change a lightbulb?

They don't. They just talk about how great the past 27 were.

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In the summer, I was watching a baseball game that was getting a bit boring

The broadcast had a main "play by play" commentator and also a "color" commentator (to talk about stats, player's backgrounds, and random stuff the viewers would find interesting).

At one particularly dead point, the color commentator said "I've got three trivia questions here. First one - f...

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Why didn’t the dinosaur play baseball?

Because it’s fucking dead.

Two old friends, Nick and Jack, lived for baseball.

One day, Jack died, leaving Nick inconsolable. A few weeks later, Nick heard someone calling his name. He looked up and standing on a cloud was his old pal.

“Nick,” Jack called down, “I have good news and bad news. The good news is, there’s baseball in heaven!"

“Great!” said Nick. “Wha...

What's the difference between a baseball player and a crack ho?

One gets base on balls, the other gets balled on base

My son lost a youth baseball game because of heavy rain...

...he received a precipitation trophy

Bills

A one dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much. The twenty answered, I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the ...

How do baseball players know when to bathe?

Foul balls

They won't be serving beer for the rest of the year at Chicago Cubs baseball games.

They lost the opener.

A Mexican man was visiting America

He wanted to go to a genuine American baseball game so that when he went home, he could tell his family all about it, but when he got there the game was sold out, so he climbed to the top of the flag pole to get a good look. "What happened?" asked his family. "Well, America is the nicest place in th...

Why did it get so hot in the baseball stadium after the game?

All of the fans left.

What do you call a Jewish baseball team from Pennsylvania?

A Philly minyan

Why does Santa always keep a Baseball bat in his sleigh?

For Claus combat.

What position did Jesus play on his baseball team?

Pitcher. He gave his sermon on the mound.

Who is the least acidic baseball player of all time?

Al Kaline.

Why do they play baseball games at night?

Because the bats are asleep during the day.

What did Jim Carrey say when he wasn’t allowed to have a left handed baseball player on his team?

Allllllllllll righty then!

What do cakes and baseball teams have in common?

They both need a good batter.

Two old men, who are growing very old and love the sport of baseball make a pact with each other one day...

These men love the game, they always talk the off-season trades, the winter meetings, watch every game of the season, and recollect on the players of their hay day. So they decide to form a pact. The first one to die will come back to the other and inform them if there is baseball in heaven.

...

People are like baseball

I lost interest in them in the early 2000s

A man went into a bar with his 180 pound Irish Wolfhound.

“Hey!” said the bartender. “You ca’t bring that animal in here!”

“Wait a minute,” said the guy. “This isn’t just a dog. He can talk!”

“Sure,” sneered the bartender. “I bet you 500 bucks he can’t!”

“Okay, you’re on!” said the man as he turned to his dog and said, “Here boy! Now t...

Imagine you were friends with Oasis lead singer, Liam Gallagher.

You two grew up together and were the best of friends. That friendship was like no other.

You both bonded over many things, but the hobby you both got into was baseball. You’d both play catch, practice your pitches, and even went to watch pro games together.

During high school, y...

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I told my wife that I can do whatever I want.

I can go out and drinking with my friends. I can smoke all my favorite cigars and attend all the football and baseball games I want. I can spend the weekend in Vegas with my buds and blow all the money in our account at the casinos.

I felt pretty good about myself, and I started walking out o...

Two 95 year old men, Jack and Sam, are huge baseball fans.

One day, Jack falls seriously ill, and doesn’t have long to live. Sam visits him in the hospital to say goodbye. Sam asks him a favor before he passes.

“Hey Jack, when you get to heaven, can you see if there is baseball there? If there is, tell me.”

“I can certainly try, for my best fr...

Why are Australians such confident baseball players?

They’re always being told “good eye”


Yes I realize this is stupid :)

Baseball Dreams

Doctor: What did you dream about last night?

Patient: Baseball.

Doctor: Don’t you dream about anything else?

Patient: What, and miss my turn at bat?

I woke up one night to the sound of someone breaking in to my house.

I quickly reached for my phone. My wife grabbed it away and whispered "Don't do that, he'll hear you! Take your baseball bat, go downstairs and chase him out!"

I reluctantly took my bat and creeped down the stairs.
I tiptoed into the kitchen.

Nobody there.

Slowly, I made my ...

My parents are old fashioned. When I was a boy they wanted me to play baseball.

And When I was a girl they wanted me to see a psychiatrist

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What do Nazi's and baseballs have in common?

Everyone cheers when you hit them with a bat.

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At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked,...

“Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?”
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
“Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?”
The little boy nodded yes.
“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when an out is called, you shou...

What do baseball and baking a cake have in common?

It's all about the batter

Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball.

Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?" Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same." They shake on it and sadly, a few ...

What do you call a guy who fails to make it onto the Houston baseball team?

Astro, not.

I think this one was here but saw it a few years ago so i decided to post it.

Little Jimmy was once playing with his dinosaur toys on the backyard, when his older brother Tony walked towards him with a brand new baseball bat, ball and glove.

Jimmy noticed it and gasped "Tony, how did you get all those cool toys?!"

"Simple" Tony chuckled "Just go to an adult, and...

A baseball player worked part time at a bakery

His boss told him "Hey batter batter batter"

Ever wondered why China doesn't have a baseball team?

Because they ate all their bats.

A guy drops his date off outside her house, only to be greeted by her furious father waiting on the curb with a baseball bat...

"Not to worry, sir! I'm not her date, I'm just her guy-in-a-car-logist!"

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What do you call a detective that can pitch a perfect game of baseball.

A dick with no balls.

What do a bad baseball player and a male goose have in common

they both have foul balls

It’s the first baseball game of 2020

This was told to me by my 90 year old Grandpa.

It’s the first baseball game of the 2020 season. A father and son are watching the home opener of their favorite team on television. The first batter up to the plate gets hit with the ball and is walked down to first. While at the base, the runn...

A wife comes home late one night...

...and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two.



She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enter...

Why was the old lady kicked off the baseball team?

She swallowed a fly.

I opened a fresh loaf of bread and found a baseball card wedged between two slices.

It was a Catcher in the Rye.

A woman comes home late from work

She goes upstairs and notices two people in bed, instead of just her husband.

Quietly, she tip toes away and finds a baseball bat, comes back and bludgeons the pair in bed.

She goes downstairs to grab a drink, only to find her husband sitting at the table.

"Hi honey," he says...

2 baseball players had an argument on if there is baseball in heaven

They both decided that whoever died first will come back to tell the other if baseball exists in heaven.

Shortly after, friend 1 dies and comes back as promised, he says to friend 2:
“I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news.
The good news is that there is baseball in heaven.
The b...

A baseball came through my window today

It really hit home

Baseball.

Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90’s, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill.

His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they’re reminiscing about their long friendship. The friend says, “Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want ...

Why hasn’t baseball returned from covid shutdown?

They are unable to test all the bats

The one about the mental patients and the baseball game

There once was a doctor at a mental hospital, who had to take care of the craziest and most mentally unstable patients in the hospital, which they called the "nuts." The doctor, along with his assistant, would soon get through a breakthrough by giving them simple orders and addressing them as "nuts....

Cruise

A man is walking down the street when he sees a sign in the window of a travel agency that says CRUISES - $100. He goes into the agency and hands the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him over the head with a baseball bat and throws him in the river.
Another man is walking down the street a ...

What do baseball scouts look for when they go to a Mexican restaurant?

Fajitas

One day a baseball umpire brought his son to a game to watch him work. Dutmring the game, the umpire was rude and insulting, even to the point of spitting and cursing the players. At the end of the game he knelt down and beckoned his son to come sit on his knee. The boy refused saying . . .

The son never sits on the brutish umpire.

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What do you call an impotent baseball player?

Two balls and a strike.

Did you hear about the Toronto baseball player who was arrested for illegally crossing the street?

Jaywalking

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Why do bisexual people make the best baseball players?

Because they can swing both ways

What do you call a chihuahua that plays baseball?

a lil pitchy dog

People say I’m too aggressive when I’m trading baseball cards.

It’s because I’m Ruthless.

My wife woke me up in the middle of the night in a panic. She said she heard something downstairs, so I got my baseball bat.

She doesn't wake me up in the night anymore.

I wonder how she's doing in hospital.

Going to a baseball game is like going to a funeral

Sure you came to show your support but halfway through you’re hoping they bury this thing soon so you can get out of there.

Is baseball mentioned in the bible?

Yes!

In the "big inning"

Cleveland has announced their baseball team will no longer be called "The Indians". It's about time.

Now we can finally call them the Cleveland Steamers.

Two guys made a deal with each other about baseball.

Bill and Bob both really love baseball.

The two guys made a deal that whoever died first would have to come down from above and tell the other guy if there was baseball in heaven.

When Bill died, he came down to tell bob.

Bill: I have good news and bad news.

Bob: The g...

What is Anakin Skywalker's favorite baseball team?

The Padres!

So, after winning the ball game, I decided to throw a ball into the crowd like I've seen pro baseball players on TV do

Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.

Why couldn’t the Chinese kids play baseball?

Because they ate their bats.

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