A baseball manager calls up a Chinese rookie from the minor leagues

The player shows up before his first game and goes to take batting practice. The manager sees him walking to the batter's box with a frying pan sitting on his head. He says "You can't wear a frying pan in the batter's box, son. You need a helmet."

The player responds: "This is my lucky frying...

Two 95 year old men, Jack and Sam, are huge baseball fans.

One day, Jack falls seriously ill, and doesn’t have long to live. Sam visits him in the hospital to say goodbye. Sam asks him a favor before he passes.

“Hey Jack, when you get to heaven, can you see if there is baseball there? If there is, tell me.”

“I can certainly try, for my best fr...

Why don't orphans play baseball?

Because they don't know where home is.

In 1964, a couple of former St. Louis Cardinals baseball stars were on vacation in Wales....

Red Schoendienst and Stan Musial decided to head to the UK on vacation with their wives after the 1964 Major League Baseball season. The two had retired as players the year before and had just finished their first full season as members of the staff - Musial as vice president, Schoendienst as a coa...

Why do baseball players shout?

BECAUSE THEY ARE IN ALL CAPS!!

A little girl went to her dad’s baseball game.

Her dad is an MLB player. He’s famous for bunting the ball. The little girl doesn’t understand. She thinks the point is to the swing all the way with the bat.

So, next time he bunted, the girl shouted, much to the shock of the crowd, “HARDER DADDY!”

Years ago, I viciously beat up my high school bully with a baseball bat. Both of his arms were broken.

Come to think of it, that's probably why I felt brave enough to beat him up.

Why was Chewbacca so happy after his son's first baseball season?

He got Wookie of the year.

I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger.

Then it hit me.

What do you call a terrorist who is good at baseball?

A Bronx Bomber

A guy was trying to find a parking space at a baseball game

and he was already missing the first inning, so he prayed to God and said "If you find a parking space for me I promise I'll never miss church again." Just then a car pulled out of a space right in front of him, and the guy said "Never mind, I just found one."

A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he snuck across the border

He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:

"What h...

What do you call a fixer-upper with a baseball hat?

Handy-capped.

Baseball.

Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90’s, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill.

His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they’re reminiscing about their long friendship. The friend says, “Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want ...

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My sexy Latina neighbor accused me of stealing her underwear and got so angry she hit me with a baseball bat

I was so scared I almost shat in her pants

Who was the most basic person to ever play the game of baseball?

Al Kaline

Thought of this this morning. Pretty sure it's OC.

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What does a bisexual person and an ambidextrous baseball player have in common?

They swing both ways.

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I've always liked this old David Lettermen quip; during the time of the 1994–95 baseball strike. "I know we all feel bad for those ball players though"

"They'll have to stay home and have sex with their own wives for a change."

Why did O.j Simpson fail as a baseball catcher

Because none of the teams gloves could fit

What did the baseball glove say to the baseball?

Nothing; baseball gloves can't talk.

Two old men lived their whole lives wondering if heaven had baseball

Two old men named Bob and John have been life long friends, they shared just about everything in common, but the thing they both loved the most was baseball. Now the two always had a question about the sport they loved so much and it was when they die would baseball be in heaven to greet them. Sadly...

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Why did the horny duck go to the baseball game?

She was trying to catch some fowl balls.

Lil Bruce Wayne, he played little league baseball...

He was the batboy.

2 baseball players had an argument on if there is baseball in heaven

They both decided that whoever died first will come back to tell the other if baseball exists in heaven.

Shortly after, friend 1 dies and comes back as promised, he says to friend 2:
“I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news.
The good news is that there is baseball in heaven.
The b...

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How could you tell that the ambidextrous baseball player was bi-sexual?

Cuz he swings both ways.

Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball.

Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno.

But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake o...

Why is a baseball team similar to a muffin?

They both depend on the batter

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What did the umpire say to Hitler when he failed at baseball?

THREE REICHS, YOURE OUT!

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A Scottish man was at a baseball game.

It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly. The first batter approached home plate, he took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming, "run, run!" This happened two more times, with a single and a triple.

The Scotchman was now exited and ...

So a latino man and his friend decide to go to a baseball game together.

He made it a point to be there very early so that they wouldn't miss the singing of the star-spangled banner as it was his favorite part of any sporting event.

As they're waiting for it to be sung his friend asks him out of curiosity, "hey man, why is this your favorite part of the game?" And...

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A man and his wife were at a baseball game a couple of States over.

The man after buying her a bag of peanuts realized he had no more money for a hotel room or gas to get home.

He looks at his wife and says, " I have no money, your going to have to sell your body tonight in order for us to get home!"

She said, " Alright, I'll be back in 3 hours."
...

What's Kool-Aid man's favorite sport?

Baseball. He's a pitcher.

Bill and Larry both loved baseball.

They loved it as kids, they loved it as adults, and they loved it in their old age. One day, Larry asked Bill, "Do you think they have baseball in Heaven?"

Bill said, "I imagine they do. But whichever one of us dies first, he should tell the other whether that's true."

"How are we goin...

Why did Cinderella get fired from the baseball team?

She kept running away from the ball.

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A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.

One day, her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet.

The little boy says, "It's dark in here."
The man whispers, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want...

One Day the Devil challenged the Lord to a baseball game.

Smiling the Lord proclaimed, "You don't have a chance, I've got Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, and all the greatest players up here."

"Yes", laughed the devil, "but I have all the umpires!”

So, after winning the ball game, I decided to throw a ball into the crowd like I've seen pro baseball players on TV do

Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.

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NSFW:A nurse was making her rounds at the insane asylum...

Her first stop a man had his dick in his hands and was swinging it like a baseball bat."Just what are you doing?"she asks.

"I'm Babe Ruth,the world's most famous baseball player."

She continues to the next room where she sees the patient holding his dick like a golf club.And just what ...

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A man walks into a bar and finds that it's pretty empty.

He looks around and only sees the bartender and what appears to be his pet monkey. Curious, he asks the bartender about the monkey.

"Oh that's my special monkey." The bartender says. "Let me show you."

The bartender picks up a baseball bat from under the bar, turns around and cracks t...

What do Baseball Players and spectators have in common?

They both just wanna get home.

Guy walks into a bar...

"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent....

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A British woman was touring the United States, and decided to go to a baseball game

She didn't understand the rules, but figured she could learn them by watching everyone else.

In the first inning, a batter hit a grounder and started running to first base. The man seated next to the woman jumped to his feet and shouted, "Run, you sunnuvabitch, run!"

A couple of innin...

Two baseball fanatics...

Jake and Johnny were the best of friends and fanatical about the game of baseball. While watching the World Series the two pondered if baseball existed in heaven.

"You think heaven will have baseball?," asked Jake.

"I certainly hope so!," Johnny said. "Tell you what, let's make a deal...

What’s the difference between a baseball player and an orphan?

An orphan doesn’t have a home to run to.

My wife woke me up in the middle of the night in a panic. She said she heard something downstairs, so I got my baseball bat.

She doesn't wake me up in the night anymore.

I wonder how she's doing in hospital.

Billy wants Jimmy to play baseball.

Billy goes by Jimmy's house to get him to play baseball. Jimmy's mom answers the door.

"Hi, can Jimmy play baseball with us?" Billy asked.

"Now you know Jimmy doesn't have any arms or legs," Jimmy's mom answered.

"Yeah, but we need second base."

3 guys and 3 nuns are at a baseball game.

The 3 guys are sitting behind the nuns and they can't see over the habits the nuns are wearing. Irritated, one of the guys says, "you know, I'm gonna move to Wyoming. I hear there are only 100 nuns there."

The second guy says "I'm gonna move to Nevada. There are only 50 nuns there."

Th...

What did the cheap baseball player say when he found out how expensive first class plane tickets are?

Put me in coach!

Three old women sneak some Jack Daniels into a baseball game, taking shots after each half inning. What inning is it now?

It's the bottom of the fifth, and the bags are loaded.

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My first orgy was like my first baseball game...

'Cept there were loads more balls and somehow more family members came.

Why are frogs good baseball players?

Because they're good at catching flies!

Why did the witches lose their baseball game

their bats flew away.

Does anyone else realize that baseball is actually illegal?

Hit and run is a felony.

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Why are baseballers gay?

Because they swing for the home team.

Questionable Advice

After my dad died, my mom started dating a man who had just immigrated from France.

He wanted to get along with me so that my mom would like him more, and he knew I liked baseball, so he would play catch with me and encouraged me to join the school's baseball team.

He would always sa...

How many strikes does it take to get a French baseball team out?

None. They’re already on it.

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It's Halloween evening, and the door bell goes

I get up and answer the door expecting to see some cute kids dressed in appropriate outfits, you know witches, zombies etc etc. So I was quite unprepared for what I saw when I opened the door...a group of maybe 15 year olds just wearing their normal clothes. Tracksuits and baseball caps maybe 5 or 6...

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NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I...

What's Donald Trump's favourite baseball team?

The Dodgers.

A man and his dog walk into a talent agents office.

"All right, lets make this quick i have things to do, whats your talent?" asks the agent.

The man says, "Its not me sir, its my dog -- he talks!"

"Yeah, right," says the agent. "I don't have time for this, now get out of here before I throw you out."

"No, wait," says the man. "I...

Where does baseball appear in the Bible?

Genesis

In the Big Inning.

I hate playing baseball with homeless people

For some reason, they can never find home

What's the difference between the President of the United States and the management staff of a Los Angeles baseball team?

One of them drafts Dodgers. The other dodges drafts.

Why was the nice guy terrible at baseball?

He never got to third base.

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An American tourist is on holidays along the west of Ireland, tracing his roots, hiking the many hills and cliffs along the coast. Pausing to enjoy the breathtaking view, amongst all the green he notices a dirty old tractor putt-putt-putting along a country lane...

An American tourist is on holidays along the west of Ireland, tracing his roots, hiking the many hills and cliffs along the coast. Pausing to enjoy the breathtaking view, amongst all the green he notices a dirty old tractor putt-putt-putting along a country lane.

As it comes closer, he notice...

I think of threesomes with my girlfriend like I think of baseball...

Four balls, and I walk.

What happened to the woman who beat another woman at baseball (who happened to have rabies)?

A bitter, badder batter bit her.

A man with a dog walks into a bar.

Guy says to the bartender: "If I show you my talking dog, will you give a round on the house?"

Bartender: "Okay. But prove it."

Guy: "Spot, what's a four letter word that starts with 'R'?"

Dog: "ROOF!"

Bartender: "That's not really talking."

Guy: "Ok. Spot, what's ...

What do baseball pitchers and TSA agents have in common?

Fireworks go off in the sky if they do their job incorrectly.

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A Scottish man goes to his first baseball game...

The Scotsman sits down to enjoy the game and the first pitch is hit and the crowd jumps to their feet and cheers!

The man next to the Scotsman yells "RUN YOU BASTARD RUN!"

so the Scotsman echoes "RUN YOU BASTARD RUN!"

The next batter again makes contact with the pitch.

T...

Two guys are watching their sons play baseball

The first father goes, “Did you see that, my son got an in the Park home run. He’s so much better at baseball than your son.”

The second father annoyed that his friend had insulted his son responded. “My son is the Michael Jordan of baseball.

“But he sucks at baseball?”

“So does...

A Scotsman goes to America and attends his very baseball game.

He’s never been to a game in Scotland, nor watched a game on TV, or seen movies such as Bull Durham, The Babe or Eight Men Out.

He figures out players need to beat out the throw to first base before arriving to first base

The visiting teams pitcher throws 4 pitches out of the strike zo...

Things mothers said

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER:
"Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now, turn it off and get to bed!"


ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER:
"Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"


ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTH...

If only Whitney Houston could hit a baseball pitch as well as she could hit notes and pitch her voice.

She would have had the world’s best hAND EYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIEEEEEIIIIIIIIIII coordination.

Where is the annual no arms and no legs baseball game held?

Wriggly Field

I saw Batman's son at a baseball game today.

His name was printed on the back of his shirt: "Bat Boy."

2 men exploring find a bat in a cave...

Decide to go back and play baseball

Jay-Z owned a baseball team.

From day one, it was a foregone conclusion that it would be a cellar-dwelling team. Everyone on that team had a batting average of below .150, and not a single player scored a home-run. The defense was horrible; every outfielder was scared of fly-balls, the infielders couldn’t catch line drives to s...

What do you call a baseball that hasn’t been washed in over a year?

A foul ball.

God and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball.

Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys."Very well," said God . "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches.""I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We'...

Why couldn’t T-Rex get to second base?

Baseball wasn’t invented back then.

What is the difference between baseball players and London Tube drivers?

Baseball players are out after three strikes.

A man is watching a baseball game in a crowded stadium

When suddenly he hears someone yell from behind him “HEEYY BOB!” So the man turns around, and scans the crowd behind him but doesn’t see where the call came from, so he continues watching the game.

Shortly after, he once again hears “HEEYYYYY BOB!!” So he turns around again, scanning the crow...

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