UPJOKE
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A Serbian tennis player walks into a bar

The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of Djok?"

Tennis ace Novak Djokovic has refused to take the Coronavirus vaccines

He's now known as Novax Djokovic

My local tennis club doesn't allow courts to be pre-booked.

It works on a first come, first serve basis.

Never date a tennis player..

Love means nothing to them.

My wife said, “I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, and don’t even mention your obsession with Tennis.

I replied, "That's 15 love."

I invented silent tennis...

It's like regular tennis but without the racket.

What do you call a girl standing in the middle of a tennis court?

Annette

I beat my chiropodist at poker, pool, darts, table tennis AND 15 different video games, but at no point did he stop smiling.

The man knows how to deal with de feet.

Why do orphans like playing tennis so much?

Because it’s they only way they’ll ever get love.

My girlfriend was devastated when she found out the reason why my nickname is “The Love Machine”.

It’s because I’m terrible at tennis.

Why did Jabeur lose the U.S. Open Tennis final?

She was Iga to play, but she just couldn't turn it ons.

I just got back from my friend’s funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.

It was a lovely service.

A woman comes home and finds a letter from her husband on the dinner table

She opens it and reads:

"My Dear Wife,

you will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, as a 54-year-old, can no longer satisfy. I'm very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. However, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact th...

Never date a tennis player

She’ll drop a deuce when you least expect it.

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When I got home my wife had 2 gorgeous friends with her.

She said, we were just talking about having a foursome if you're up for it... She smiled and winked. 2 minutes later I appeared naked with my dick in my hand..

They all had Tennis Racquets in theirs.

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The neighbours kept me up last night because they were having sex into the early hours of the morning.

I would've asked my wife to knock on their door, but she was out playing tennis with her friends.

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Sport Balls

At age 25 men play basketball
At age 40 men play tennis
At age 60 men play golf

The moral of the story is the older you get the smaller your balls get

Guy dies and finds himself standing before Satan.

"Oh no! Am I in Hell?"

Satan replies, "Ahh, its not so bad. Let me show you around."

Satan takes the guy past a tennis court. "It's open 24-7. And over here is the 18 hole golf course, over there is the Olympic sized pool, and beyond that is the beach and marina, where you can take out...

Costco Doctor

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, John says to Scott, “My elbow hurts like hell.

I guess I'd better see a doctor."

“Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Scott replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer ...

The Feds have just raided a tennis club used as a front for a large Mafia organisation.

No doubt they'll be charged with racquet-eering.

Did you know that there are 25 feet of intestines in your body, so if you laid them out on a tennis court...

..you would die.

I'm really big into tennis...

So I hate when people make a Djokovic.

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The man who invented unisex Tennis has died.

RIP Mick Stubbles

Why do librarians hate tennis?

Too much racket.

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My first NSFW joke that I proudly wrote when I was 9 years old: What's the difference between tennis and badminton?

A: One you play with your balls, one you play with your cock.

What do you call a tennis player who doesn’t get vaccinated?

No-vac Djokovic

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Saw a joke over at r/electricians today whilst on the port a potty!

So I was on the jonny, and I shit you not, there in front of me on the shitter door was a note that said,"toilet tennis, look left!

I looked left and it read,"look right!"

I laughed so hard I shit myself, which was ok givin the location!

What was the name of that very calm Russian tennis player?

Oh yeah, I got it - Panikova!

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Guy goes to his doctor complaining of ongoing pain in his elbow.

The doc hands him a cup and instructs his patient to go home and pee in the cup as soon as he wakes up and before he does anything else. The patient looks doubtful and says he can't be serious, and that there's no way he can diagnose his issue just by peeing in a cup. Doc says it is a new method tha...

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A man goes to the doctor with a tennis elbow.

The doctor doesn’t even look at it, tells the guy to pee in a cup. Then he inserts the cup in a machine which prints out a paper reading, you have a tennis elbow. The man can’t believe this actually works, so when he gets home he asks his wife to pee in a cup, and then his son to pee in a cup as wel...

I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players…

The servers are currently down...

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Tennis Elbow

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your pr...

A priest and a nun are having a tennis match...

The priest is very competitive, but can’t seem to bring his A-game to the nun who is clearly better. After a volley from the nun, the priest misses and yells: “Goddamn it! I missed!”, startling the nun. She let it slip by and the match continues.

But alas, after a fierce back-hand from the nu...

If tennis players get tennis elbow, and squash players get squash knees, what do gynecologists get?

Tunnel Vision

Tennis

Serbia is creating a new tennis competition so people can compete against the world no. 1.

They are calling it the "Novax Welcome".

Wife comes home one day wearing a brand new diamond tennis bracelet.

Husband asked were she got it from. She tells him she won a raffle at work, than ask him to get a hot bath ready for her.
Not thinking to much about, the husband gets her bath ready.
A week later the wife comes home with a mink coat on. Again the husband asked were she got it from. She again...

Why do orphans like to play tennis ?

Because the ball comes back

In which sports do waiters do really well?

Tennis. They are trained to serve well.

Did you hear about the Vietnamese brothers who became table tennis doubles champions?

It was a Nguyen-Nguyen situation.

Where does a half-man, half- horse play tennis at Wimbledon?

Centaur Court

Sean Connery was making a tennis date with a lady friend.

He asks her "what time would you like to meet?"

She says "Tennish"

He says, "I know but what time?"

Good old Bill

A man walked out into the street and managed to get a taxi just going by. What luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab.Perfect timing,the cabby said. You're just like Bill. Who? Bill Smith. There's a guy who did everything right, the cabby said. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It woul...

Did you see the news about the fight that broke out when they played the wrong national anthem for the winning team at the Asian table tennis finals?

The headline read "Hong Kong Ping Pong Sing Song Ding Dong".

If you are a serious tennis player, you should string your own equipment

Anything off the shelf is a racket

I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a tennis ball.

I got served straight away.

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Tennis elbow

Johns tennis elbow was hurting one morning so he decided to go see the doctor.
When he gets to the office he is asked to take a urine test. He complains about it but finally does it anyway.
About 15 minutes later the doctor called him into the examination room.
"Hey John, that tennis elbow...

Why can't a computer play tennis?

server unavailable

Ever Date a Tennis Player?

Remember Love means nothing to them.

Never marry a tennis player...

...because love means nothing to them.

---

Good luck to everyone at the US Open!

Why do elephants wear blue tennis shoes?

(So they land softer when they're sky diving?) No, because white ones scuff up too easily.

\---

Why shouldn't you go out in the savannah between 4pm and 6pm?
\--That's when the elephants go sky-diving

\---

Why do elephants live in herds?
\---To get the group dis...

What is the name of the drug that Roger Federer uses in secret ?

Tennis Enlarger.

my neighbour started playing tennis for money

it was quite the racket

What do you call a tennis match between Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder?

Endless love.

What's common between my ex girlfriend and a tennis player?

Love means nothing to them and they love to play with balls

Where did the pizza and tennis racquet get married?

At the supreme court

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Low wage workers play basketball. Tradesmen go bowling. Middle managers play softball. Upper managers play tennis. CEOs play golf.

The lesson: the higher you climb, the smaller your balls get.

A man found a tennis ball while out jogging and put it in his pocket to give his dog back home...

As he stopped to wait at the traffic lights, a woman next to him couldn't help but notice the large bulge in his trouser pocket.

"Tennis ball" the man said.

"Oh, that must be painful,” she replied. “I had tennis elbow once!"

My tennis coach got really upset at me for how I was re-stringing the equipment. He said...

"STOP MAKING SUCH A RACKET!!"

My tennis career has taught me that I can be the best basketball player ever

Nothing but net

Why did the blonde enter the tennis courts naked?

Because the sign said tennis shoes only.


*edit*
Thanks for the sliver kind person

A tennis ball walks into a restaurant....

a waiter asks: "Have you been served?"

After tennis, I came across 2 dogs fighting in the park

so I whistled and threw a tennis ball into the brush. They immediately stopped fighting and chased after the ball. Minutes later they returned, but didn't have my ball.

So I gave them a no ball peace prize

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A guy comes in to his doctor's offices having symptoms of tennis elbow. The doctor tells him to go home & pee in a cup & return it for analysis.

The patient thinks this is ridiculous so decides he'd mess with the doctor by taking a pee sample a from his wife. Gets some out of the unflushed toilet after his teenage daughter pee'd. Added some changed oil from his car. Even going so far as to put his sperm in it. The guy returns it for analysis...

Basketball sued Tennis for no reason

Now they have to go to court

Iowa has produced a new Tennis sensation

Anna Cornacoba

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A man tells his friends his elbow hurts...

He says that nothing he's tried has worked, so his friend suggests that go to the pharmacy.

"They got this new machine! When you pour in a urine sample and it'll tell you what's wrong and how to fix it!"

So, following his advice, he finds this machine and pours his urine sample in. Fi...

The depressing thing about playing tennis is.....

No matter how much you practice, you'll never be as good as a wall.

Why are fish no good at tennis?

They don’t like getting close to nets

Why did the founder of Reddit, Alexis Ohanian, get married to the tennis superstar Serena Williams?

Redditors are always looking for better servers.

Did you know that if all the capillaries of a human lung were rolled out onto a tennis court...

The game would likely be cancelled

Dating a female tennis player is always a good idea.

They've got good aces.

I told my mom that I found a tennis court to play on

Mom: " Now you just need friends"

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Guy goes to the doctor complaining of tennis elbow...

Doctor says to him that because of social distancing, he’s got this new machine that can diagnose anything with just a urine sample and just drop it off at his convenience.

The guy is upset and just wants his tennis elbow looked at, so he pees in a cup, has his wife and daughter pee in the s...

With the US Open going on...how do tennis players discipline their kids?

Mostly with their forehand, sometimes their backhand.

What was the first mention of tennis in the Bible?

When Joseph served in Pharoah’s court.

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