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Why do woman sound like they orgasm when playing tennis?

And why does my mother always play tennis in the bathroom?

Word of advice: Never date a tennis player

Love means nothing to them

Why do tennis players love vending machines?

Because they don't have to wait to for their food to be served.

The depressing thing about tennis is

I will never be as good as a wall.

I was heartbroken when I left my tennis-player girlfriend

But unfortunately, we had very different definitions of love.

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A man is told by his employer that he has to go see the company doctor in order to keep his insurance...

He reluctantly goes, and is amazed to find no examination table, just a wall full of computer equipment. The doctor walks in and says, "Just place your hand on the scanner here" and shows the man a screen. Bewildered, he places his hand on the screen and immediately the panel glows beneath his hand,...

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What is the difference between a priest and a tennis player?

The balls that the player plays have fur

What did the tennis instructor name his daughter?

Annette.

I used to make extra money by selling illegal tennis equipment on the side, but I was approached by some thugs who told me to stop.

I guess they control the Tennis Racket around here.

Employees play soccer, managers play tennis and CEOs play golf.

The higher the position the smaller the balls.

I had to tell the two tennis players to keep it down.

They were making a racket.

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Low wage workers play basketball. Tradesmen go bowling. Middle managers play softball. Upper managers play tennis. CEOs play golf.

The lesson: the higher you climb, the smaller your balls get.

What do you call a tennis match between Helen Keller and Stevie Wonder?

Endless love.

What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court?

Annette.

I'm not saying I'm lazy, but during a game of tennis...

The umpire said "break point" and I headed for my chair.

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A blonde is on the bus when this guy gets on with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sits down next to her. The confused blonde keeps looking at him and his bulging pockets...

He notices her looking and eventually, after many such glances from her, he says, “It’s golf balls.”

Nevertheless, the blonde continues to look at him for a very long time, appearing to think deeply about what he had said.

After several minutes, she can’t contain her curiosity any more...

Did you know that if all the capillaries of a human lung were rolled out onto a tennis court...

The game would likely be cancelled

I'm on a customer help live chat right now and the message tone sounds like someone hitting a tennis ball.

Now that's service.

A man was walking through the park..

As he is walking down the trail, he notices a tennis ball in the grass. He looks around, doesn't see anybody it might belong to, so he picks it up and puts it in his pocket to take home, thinking the neighbor's dog might enjoy it. After leaving the park to walk home, he comes to a crosswalk. While w...

A man complains about the noise of a tennis factory

"You lot are making a racket in there."

Hear about the tennis players that didn’t score?

Ya, well, they still made love

Have you ever played quiet tennis?

It's like regular tennis but without the racket.

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One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt...

His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing t...

I absolutely hate the noises that tennis players make at Wimbledon...

What a racquet!

I know a store that sells tennis equipment at ridiculously high prices.

What a racket!

A tennis ball walks into a restaurant....

a waiter asks: "Have you been served?"

My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’

because I’m terrible at tennis.

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball...

and seeing no one around that it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A blonde girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked, her ...

What time does Sean Connery prefer to play tennis?

Tennish

I lost my job as a waiter when I served one of the customers his food.

On the downside, I got chicken all over my tennis racket.

Selling all of my old tennis equipment but I can't figure out

What's the net worth?

What's a glutton's favorite place to play tennis?

A food court.

I went to a busy bar last night dressed as a tennis ball

I got served straight away.

Why was Cinderella so bad at tennis?

Because her coach was a pumpkin

A manager was told by his doctor to take up some sport for exercise, so he decided to play tennis. After a couple of weeks, his administrative assistant asked him how he was doing.

"It's going fine," the manager said. "When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me my brain immediately says, "To the corner! Backhand! To the net! Smash! Go back!"

"Really? What happens then?" the woman asked enthusiastically.

"Then my body says, 'Who? Me? Don't talk...

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A tennis ball walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "We don't serve tennis balls here." The ball throws a fit, calls over his friend, and the two make a scene expecting the bartender to give in. Instead, the bartender yells at the friend, "You get out too! I don't want a racket in here."

So Roger Federer retired from his tennis career

He got bored so he started working as a waiter at a restaurant for fun. When he had to bring his first meal to a customer, he suddenly grabbed his tennis racket, threw the meal in the air and smacked it with his racket, against the wall. The customer freaked out. 'WHAT THE HELL!? I'M CALLING THE MAN...

Two brothers live together, and one of them makes tennis equipment for people with gigantism.

Late one night, he is up, hard at work, when his brother knocks on the door. He gets up from his desk, and answers the door.

"What do you want?" he asks.

His brother responds: "Hey, I'm trying to sleep. Can you stop making a huge racket?"

I always wondered why there is such a high rate of divorce among tennis players

Then I realized love means nothing to them.

My wife got knocked up by her tennis instructor.

Serves her right.

Did you hear about the dog who told his owner to invest in tennis balls?

They had a high rate of return.

How many tennis players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

What?!? It's out? That's totally in.

Tennis players grunt too much when they practice...

There's no need for all that racket.

I was playing tennis with Roy Moore this morning... The score was love-15.

**AWKWARD!**

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Some great one-liners.

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought. I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

My neigh...

Two tennis players got into a shouting match.

They made quite a racket.

I’m surprised there are not a lot of Jewish tennis players.

After all, Moses served in Pharaoh’s court.

How many magazines do you need to buy to get a pair of tennis shoes?

Ten issues.

I've just got back from a funeral of a friend who was killed after being hit in the head with a tennis ball.

It was a lovely service.

Why should you never marry a tennis player?

Because love means nothing to them.


I read that joke in 1998 in an SI for Kids magazine and it literally is the only joke I can tell from memory.

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A man with his pants pockets full of golf balls gets on a bus...

A man with his pants pockets full of golf balls gets on a bus and sits next to a blonde woman. The blonde woman notices his pants are bulging near his crotch area and keeps looking down towards his crotch. The man notices her staring at his crotch so he turns to her and she quickly turns hear head...

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A golfer goes out for a beer...

After a round of golf, a golfer loads his trunk up with his clubs but puts his extra tees and balls in his pockets. He goes into the clubhouse for a beer.

He sits down next to a blond woman at the bar. She sees the bulging pants of the golfer and barely stops herself from gasping. She cannot ...

Why doesn't Hitler play table tennis?

Because he's dead.

Why did the people living next door to the tennis factory call the cops?

Because they were making a racquet.

Why is Robert Palmer bad at tennis?

He's addicted to love

I played a fisherman at tennis and won by a mile.

He spent half the time examining the net.

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So the other day I was walking from the sports field with a bag of 100 tennis balls...

That's a big bag, but I managed to carry it. However, unbeknownst to me, it was dragging over the ground, and eventually caught on a sharp piece of kerb, and ripped open. All 100 tennis balls falling out, ending up everywhere. Really annoying. I had to get all of them back individually and only retr...

What happens when you permit your wife to spend extra hours with her tennis coach?

Hopefully a good reason to divorce her.

I named my son "Tennis" but he doesn't mind being bullied about it.

He's a good sport really.

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At a country club tennis court, a man clutches his elbow in pain...

He says to his friend, "Geez, my elbow aches. I think I should see a doctor about this".

The friend says, "Well before you do, why don't you try that machine in the locker room. You pee in a cup, and it writes you a prescription!"

Although skeptical, the man agrees to try out the machi...

Maria Sharipova has been banned from tennis for 2 years

There's a sign at every court with her mugshot that says "do not serve this woman".

I could never marry a tennis line judge...

They always point out your faults.