A man called the hospital where his pregnant wife was admitted. He was accidentally connected to the Lord's Cricket Ground.

"So how did it go ?", he asked.

The person on the other side of the line said, "We've got four out and expect to have the rest out before lunch. The last one was a duck."

Why can’t Chinese people play cricket?

Because they would eat the bat!

Q: If you had one cricket ball in one hand and another cricket ball in your other hand, what would you have?

A: A bloody big cricket.

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Why is china so bad at cricket?

They eat all the fucking bats

I spent £80 taking my son to see the cricket today.

Eighty quid and all it did was hop about and chirrup.

My wife says she's leaving me due to my obsession with cricket.

I'll be honest, it's knocked me for six.

A cricket walks into a sporting goods store:

A cricket walks into a store selling goods for sports, looking to buy a baseball bat.

He walks up to the clerk:

"Where are the baseball bats located, please?" The cricket asks.

The clerk is, not surprisingly, shocked to see a talking cricket. But he decides to play it cool.
<...

australia didn't win the cricket world cup in 2019 but I'm sure they will in 2020

I mean their team is on fire right now

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What's the difference between men's cricket and women's cricket?

In men's cricket there's a short leg between two long legs.

And in women's cricket there's a deep gully between two fine legs!

Cricket joke

I reckon Australia has the Ashes in the bag this year.

Guy gets sent to prison. 1st night, someone yells 39, whole prison laughs. Next night, someone yells 2, prison again erupts in laughter. Guy asks lifer what gives. Lifer explains there’s a joke book, been passed around for years. Dudes memorize # & corresponding joke. Guy gets book & memorizes a few

That night he yells, 24!!! Nothing...

Next night, 9!! Crickets

He asks the lifer the next day what’s happening...

Lifer says: some people just can’t tell jokes

What do you call an enforcer of cricket rules who has no reflection?

A Vumpire.

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If I’m holding a cricket ball in each hand, what do I have?

A really fucking huge cricket.

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A man is playing in his cricket league's final, and is just about to bowl when he notices a funeral procession walking past.

He immediately stops, takes off his cap, and bows his head until they pass.

"That was real sportsmanship you showed there." the Umpire tells him at the end of the match.

"Well it was the least I could do," replies the man. "It was my wife's funeral."

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A guy goes into a record shop

and says "do you have any sound effects albums of insect noises? Crickets, cicadas, beetles, that sort of thing?"

Store guy: "yeah only this second hand vinyl, should be perfect though."

Guy buys the record but he's back to the shop within the hour, says "sorry mate this record is no...

Imagine you're in a room full of crickets

*cricket noises*

TIL crickets only do their iconic "yelling" chirp in the presence of wild moths. Unfortunately, my cricket has none.

He has no moth and he must scream.

The cricketer was proud of his progress as a batsman and invited his mother-in-law along to watch him play, hoping to impress her.

At the crease, he turned to the wicketkeeper and said "I'm anxious to do well and really hit this ball. That's my wife's mother over there." "Don't be silly," said the wicketkeeper. "You'll never hit her at 200 hundred yards."

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A woman complains about her Husband

A woman writes to the IT Technical support Guy..

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5...

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[for the Aussies & cricket fans] A guy goes to the doctor...

...Doctor: what’s the matter?

Patient: doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my ass (arse for the Aussies)

Doctor: how’s that?

Patient: don’t you start

I tried telling some jokes to an audience of crickets...

I have no idea if they were funny.

I'm going to apply for the job as Australia's next cricket captain.

I've been ball tampering for years and never got caught.

What's the difference between Cinderella and the Australian Cricket team?

Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.

I drive my car like I play cricket

I hit and run

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A cricket is in love with a mantis

but he's terrified, because he keeps hearing that a mantis will eat the male after sex. Nevertheless, one night the cricket gets really drunk and propositions the mantis. The two have amazing sex all night long, but in the morning the cricket comes to his senses and starts eyeing the mantis warily.<...

I absolutely hate screening films for the Grasshopper Film Festival

Everybody's a cricket.

Today in cricket....

Indians showed their attachment to 7-11.

I like crickets

They always laugh at my jokes.

I love the English cricket team....

The thinnest guy is called broad, ugliest guy is called swann, slowest fielder is trott, guy who is 'behind' the stumps is called prior, and guy whose father's name is john is called peter-son. And the guy who is named Monty goes in with his clothes on.

No doubt, this Cricket team deserves to...

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F**ck cheesy chat-up lines, we need better break-up lines:

Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back.

Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?

I didn't know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that's because this angel's gained a little weight since we started goin...

Why did the cricket team need cigarette lighters?

Because they lost all of their matches!

A South African, New Zealander, Barbadian and an Irish Man walk into a bar

and win the Cricket World Cup for England

A British fellow just doesn't understand why people like cricket.

He tries, he tries so hard. He knows it's his national sport. He also doesn't care much for football and rugby, and always feels left out at the pub. Then one day, he comes in early for a pint, and there's this strange game on the screen. "What's that game up there, Albert?" Albert looks baffled, "w...

Why is the sport of cricket called cricket?

A: **Because it's boring.**

*Was told this by a 10 year old, and didn't quite get it at first, but I think it's rather genius.*

What's the only thing you can hear in a hushed Indian stadium?

cricket

after watching the Cricket for a few hours I think I finally understand it

they make that noise by rubbing their wings together

I had to tell my neighbour this morning i hit her cat

She asked " is it bad"

I said "well, it broke my cricket bat in half"

Only cricket fans will appreciate

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.
As they walk, they come across a sign:
"Beauty contest to find the most beautiful woman in the world.."
"I am entering" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?" <...

I've been trying to think of a name for my Cricket shop.

But I'm stumped.

"Bloodied cricket bat found in Oscar Pistorius' house"

In addition, locals have told police that he was previously sighted with stumps.

My wife and I were sitting in our living room in silence looking at our phones...

We heard a cricket outside and she looked at me and said "I heard a cricket chirping, but you didn't tell a joke"

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[Long] Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives...

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved cricket all our lives, and we played cricket on Saturdays together for so many years.
Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's bat and ball ...

A father-to-be was waiting anxiously outside the labour ward where his wife was delivering a baby.

A nurse came up to the man and said, 'You have a girl, but there's another one on the way, so come back soon.'

'Twins,' he thought, a little shakily. He went away and came back an hour later to be told that the second baby had been born, but there was still another on the way.

'Good gr...

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