UPJOKE
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(popular indian Joke) Why doesnt china have a cricket team?

They eat bats and don't understand the concept of boundaries..

What's the difference between Cinderella and the Australian Cricket team?

Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.

China should have a cricket team.

They can take out the whole world with one bat

Q: If you had one cricket ball in one hand and another cricket ball in your other hand, what would you have?

A: A bloody big cricket.

My wife says she's leaving me due to my obsession with cricket.

I'll be honest, it's knocked me for six.

A football quarterback, soccer wing forward, baseball designated hitter, volleyball setter, hockey winger and cricket batsman walk into a bar...

# POST REMOVED

**Rule 10 -** Overly ***offensive*** content

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Bloke goes into a British pub on a hot summer’s day and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says....

..."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."

The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread your arse cheeks and lick all that sweat."

She says, ...

Former Pakistan PM and cricket legend Imran Khan survived an assassination attempt. Doctors said he has a leg bullet wound.

I guess he is Out, LBW.

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If I'm holding a cricket ball in each hand, what do I have?

A really fucking huge cricket.

A female cricket walks into a room full of male crickets

\*crickets\*

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I stayed in an English Hotel that was so quaint that when I we first arrived, rather than a mint, there were a couple of cricket balls and a bat on the bed.

Though the bat did fly out of the window after only a few minutes, and I never did find the rest of the cricket.

I hate sports like cricket and baseball because all you do is hit and run over and over

if I wanted to hit and run I'd get in a car

A cricket joke.

What does a cricket umpire say while practising in front of the mirror?

"I'll show myself out."

I spent £80 taking my son to see the cricket today.

Eighty quid and all it did was hop about and chirrup.

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I was running late to the first match of the cricket season.

As the opener, I just had time to throw on the pads and head out to the non-strikers end.

To my amazement my opening partner with the strike was a horse.

I watched as the first ball was bowled, a nice length, which the horse easily dispatched back over the bowlers head for a 6.
...

My friend gets crickets when he needs to feed his pet scorpion. Do you know when I get crickets?

Every time I tell a joke.

Why did Jiminy Cricket hide in a seashell?

He was hoping to be somebody's Conch-ience.

TIL crickets only do their iconic "yelling" chirp in the presence of wild moths. Unfortunately, my cricket has none.

He has no moth and he must scream.

A cricket walks into a sporting goods store:

A cricket walks into a store selling goods for sports, looking to buy a baseball bat.

He walks up to the clerk:

"Where are the baseball bats located, please?" The cricket asks.

The clerk is, not surprisingly, shocked to see a talking cricket. But he decides to play it cool.
<...

Today in cricket....

Indians showed their attachment to 7-11.

A horse plays cricket

I heard this a while ago on BBC America, so it's paraphrased a bit:

----

A horse is in his field, watching a cricket match over the fence.

He calls out to the captain, and asks if he could play as well. The skipper says, "Why not? Might be fun," and gives the horse a bat as it w...

I put out a poll to see if anyone out there was interested in insect based burgers.

All I’m hearing is crickets!

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There was a cricketer who had a weird bulge growing under his two testicles.

There was a cricketer who had a weird bulge growing under his two testicles.

He thought it was just a bug bite but he doubted it. After about 25 days, the bulge became very big. So he went for a doctor's appointment.

The doctor did the scans necessary and found out that he was growing ...

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[for the Aussies & cricket fans] A guy goes to the doctor...

...Doctor: what’s the matter?

Patient: doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my ass (arse for the Aussies)

Doctor: how’s that?

Patient: don’t you start

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A man is playing in his cricket league's final, and is just about to bowl when he notices a funeral procession walking past.

He immediately stops, takes off his cap, and bows his head until they pass.

"That was real sportsmanship you showed there." the Umpire tells him at the end of the match.

"Well it was the least I could do," replies the man. "It was my wife's funeral."

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Best Cricket Joke Ever!

(Incident described in "From the Pavilion End" by
Harold "Dickie" Bird)

"Bomber" Wells, a spin bowler and great character,
played for Glocuestershire and Nottinghamshire. He
used to bat at No.11 since one
couldn't bat any lower. Of him, they used to
paraphrase Compton's famous ...

Why did the cricket team need cigarette lighters?

Because they lost all of their matches!

I tried telling some jokes to an audience of crickets...

I have no idea if they were funny.

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Why do you think we are here?

John, Paul, and Bill sit around a campfire.

John turns to Paul, and asks him "Why do you think we are here?"

Paul says "Man, I wonder that all the time. Some people think we exist on Earth in purgatory. We suffer here through the trials and tribulations of life in order to determine if...

If I have a cricket ball in my left hand and a cricket ball in my right hand

I then have the undivided attention of a very large cricket.

My uncle would eat crickets on a bet

My uncle would eat crickets and night crawlers on a bet.

Someone once asked him how they tasted. His reply:

Well, they’re pretty bitter. But then, I guess I would be, too

I met a cricket who does meditation classes to realign chakra energy.

The studio is called Flowcust.

The cricketer was proud of his progress as a batsman and invited his mother-in-law along to watch him play, hoping to impress her.

At the crease, he turned to the wicketkeeper and said "I'm anxious to do well and really hit this ball. That's my wife's mother over there." "Don't be silly," said the wicketkeeper. "You'll never hit her at 200 hundred yards."

Why don't the Chinese play cricket?

They eat the bat

A British fellow just doesn't understand why people like cricket.

He tries, he tries so hard. He knows it's his national sport. He also doesn't care much for football and rugby, and always feels left out at the pub. Then one day, he comes in early for a pint, and there's this strange game on the screen. "What's that game up there, Albert?" Albert looks baffled, "w...

You ever heard the sound of a cricket on its last leg?

... no one has.

A man goes to prison

During his first night, he hears his fellow inmates shouting out.

“37!” Everyone laughs.

“18!” Everyone laughs again.

He asks his cellmate what that’s all about.

“Oh, we’ve been in here so long that we’ve numbered the jokes. Give it a try.”

“63!” No response. H...

I'm going to apply for the job as Australia's next cricket captain.

I've been ball tampering for years and never got caught.

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F**ck cheesy chat-up lines, we need better break-up lines:

Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back.

Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?

I didn't know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that's because this angel's gained a little weight since we started goin...

I love the English cricket team....

The thinnest guy is called broad, ugliest guy is called swann, slowest fielder is trott, guy who is 'behind' the stumps is called prior, and guy whose father's name is john is called peter-son. And the guy who is named Monty goes in with his clothes on.

No doubt, this Cricket team deserves to...

I like crickets

They always laugh at my jokes.

When I found out my uncle scavenges body parts to play cricket with...

I hardly batted an eyelid.

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Breaking News:

In a shock move,The English Cricket Board have announced tennis World No.1 Novak Djokovic as temporary batting coach.

"We acknowledge he doesn't no fuck all about Cricket, but we couldn't overlook the fact it took Australia two weeks to get him out."

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A cricket is in love with a mantis

but he's terrified, because he keeps hearing that a mantis will eat the male after sex. Nevertheless, one night the cricket gets really drunk and propositions the mantis. The two have amazing sex all night long, but in the morning the cricket comes to his senses and starts eyeing the mantis warily.<...

What do amputees and cricket have in common?

Stumps

Two men die at exactly the same time

When they get to the pearly gates St. Peter tells them that rules are rules and he can only allow one of them to enter, but to keep it fair, he’ll allow the one who can come up with a poem with the last line Timbuktu. The men think a while, and the first man says “OK, I’ve got mine!” St. Peter says ...

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An extremely wealthy man invited his high school friends to his big estate for a reunion.

Aside from being extremely wealthy, he is also extremely arrogant and prideful. As he welcomed his friends to his house, he gave them a tour of his estate, showing his cars, helicopters, private jets, and even his own yacht, all the while bragging about all his assets and wealth. Finally, at the end...

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4 Men at a bar discuss the most difficult sport to play. The first man, wide as a dishwasher and having huge muscles all over, says

“I’m a football player, it’s the hardest sport in the world to play! You’ve gotta be in top physical condition and have excellent situational awareness.”

The second man, an older gentleman wearing a collared shirt, says “Sorry champ, but the actual hardest sport to play is golf. Every swing o...

Only cricket fans will appreciate

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.
As they walk, they come across a sign:
"Beauty contest to find the most beautiful woman in the world.."
"I am entering" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?" <...

Cricket joke

I reckon Australia has the Ashes in the bag this year.

Why is the sport of cricket called cricket?

A: **Because it's boring.**

*Was told this by a 10 year old, and didn't quite get it at first, but I think it's rather genius.*

Told a joke to a bunch of bugs

And I’ll heard was crickets…

Why do bullfrogs love terrible comedians?

----------?






*crickets*

after watching the Cricket for a few hours I think I finally understand it

they make that noise by rubbing their wings together

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An Old Joke

The year is 2120, and our story follows Joe McFlinch and his journey to overcome his inner demons. 'Who is Joe?', you may be wondering. Well, Joe is a cowardly 29 year old male. He has no special talents or skills, no hobbies, and most sadly, no friends. If I were to describe him as a dish, he would...

"Bloodied cricket bat found in Oscar Pistorius' house"

In addition, locals have told police that he was previously sighted with stumps.

A man is sent to prison for a long stretch...

He has been in prison before and his cell mate doesn't seem to want any trouble. He settles in. His first night after lights out, he is laying in his bed and hears someone call out, "Number 24!" This is met with a round of laughter. A little while later, someone yells, "Number 45!" Another round of ...

A late night booty call woke me from a deep sleep...

that damn cricket better have got some!

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