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Cricket Jokes

(popular indian Joke) Why doesnt china have a cricket team?

They eat bats and don't understand the concept of boundaries..

What's the difference between Cinderella and the Australian Cricket team?

Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.

China should have a cricket team.

They can take out the whole world with one bat

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Bloke goes into a British pub on a hot summer’s day and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says....

..."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."

The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread your arse cheeks and lick all that sweat."

She says, ...

A football quarterback, soccer wing forward, baseball designated hitter, volleyball setter, hockey winger and cricket batsman walk into a bar...

# POST REMOVED

**Rule 10 -** Overly ***offensive*** content

My wife says she's leaving me due to my obsession with cricket.

I'll be honest, it's knocked me for six.

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F**ck cheesy chat-up lines, we need better break-up lines:

Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back.

Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?

I didn't know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that's because this angel's gained a little weight since we started goin...

Former Pakistan PM and cricket legend Imran Khan survived an assassination attempt. Doctors said he has a leg bullet wound.

I guess he is Out, LBW.

A female cricket walks into a room full of male crickets

\*crickets\*

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I stayed in an English Hotel that was so quaint that when I we first arrived, rather than a mint, there were a couple of cricket balls and a bat on the bed.

Though the bat did fly out of the window after only a few minutes, and I never did find the rest of the cricket.

It must be tough for a comedian at a cricket club

He gets the same reaction whether he bowls them over or stumps them.

Q: If you had one cricket ball in one hand and another cricket ball in your other hand, what would you have?

A: A bloody big cricket.

I spent £80 taking my son to see the cricket today.

Eighty quid and all it did was hop about and chirrup.

A cricket walks into a sporting goods store:

A cricket walks into a store selling goods for sports, looking to buy a baseball bat.

He walks up to the clerk:

"Where are the baseball bats located, please?" The cricket asks.

The clerk is, not surprisingly, shocked to see a talking cricket. But he decides to play it cool.
<...

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[for the Aussies & cricket fans] A guy goes to the doctor...

...Doctor: what’s the matter?

Patient: doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my ass (arse for the Aussies)

Doctor: how’s that?

Patient: don’t you start

For Americans - let me break down today's Glenn Maxwell cricket innings from Australia

Australia is a country and a continent.

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If I'm holding a cricket ball in each hand, what do I have?

A really fucking huge cricket.

Who do you call when your pet cricket has a stomach infection?

A gastro-entomologist!

I put a sticker of a cricket on our pontoon top

I call him Bimini Cricket

I hate sports like cricket and baseball because all you do is hit and run over and over

if I wanted to hit and run I'd get in a car

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There once was a nobleman named Alvin Cricket who was riding down a particularly secluded riverside path in his personal carriage.

Suddenly, a large man rose out of the bushes and stopped the carriage in it's tracks. The brute threw the driver into the river and began pillaging every part of the expensive carriage he could find in order to sell it's scrap.

"No! Stop destroying my carriage!" yelled Cricket.

"If you...

Why did Jiminy Cricket hide in a seashell?

He was hoping to be somebody's Conch-ience.

A cricket joke.

What does a cricket umpire say while practising in front of the mirror?

"I'll show myself out."

TIL crickets only do their iconic "yelling" chirp in the presence of wild moths. Unfortunately, my cricket has none.

He has no moth and he must scream.

A horse plays cricket

I heard this a while ago on BBC America, so it's paraphrased a bit:

----

A horse is in his field, watching a cricket match over the fence.

He calls out to the captain, and asks if he could play as well. The skipper says, "Why not? Might be fun," and gives the horse a bat as it w...

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I was running late to the first match of the cricket season.

As the opener, I just had time to throw on the pads and head out to the non-strikers end.

To my amazement my opening partner with the strike was a horse.

I watched as the first ball was bowled, a nice length, which the horse easily dispatched back over the bowlers head for a 6.
...

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A man is playing in his cricket league's final, and is just about to bowl when he notices a funeral procession walking past.

He immediately stops, takes off his cap, and bows his head until they pass.

"That was real sportsmanship you showed there." the Umpire tells him at the end of the match.

"Well it was the least I could do," replies the man. "It was my wife's funeral."

I love the English cricket team....

The thinnest guy is called broad, ugliest guy is called swann, slowest fielder is trott, guy who is 'behind' the stumps is called prior, and guy whose father's name is john is called peter-son. And the guy who is named Monty goes in with his clothes on.

No doubt, this Cricket team deserves to...

I watched the cricket for four hours the today and I finally understand it.....

It uses its legs to make a noise.

If I have a cricket ball in my left hand and a cricket ball in my right hand

I then have the undivided attention of a very large cricket.

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A cricket is in love with a mantis

but he's terrified, because he keeps hearing that a mantis will eat the male after sex. Nevertheless, one night the cricket gets really drunk and propositions the mantis. The two have amazing sex all night long, but in the morning the cricket comes to his senses and starts eyeing the mantis warily.<...

A British fellow just doesn't understand why people like cricket.

He tries, he tries so hard. He knows it's his national sport. He also doesn't care much for football and rugby, and always feels left out at the pub. Then one day, he comes in early for a pint, and there's this strange game on the screen. "What's that game up there, Albert?" Albert looks baffled, "w...

I met a cricket who does meditation classes to realign chakra energy.

The studio is called Flowcust.

The cricketer was proud of his progress as a batsman and invited his mother-in-law along to watch him play, hoping to impress her.

At the crease, he turned to the wicketkeeper and said "I'm anxious to do well and really hit this ball. That's my wife's mother over there." "Don't be silly," said the wicketkeeper. "You'll never hit her at 200 hundred yards."

Why don't the Chinese play cricket?

They eat the bat

I'm going to apply for the job as Australia's next cricket captain.

I've been ball tampering for years and never got caught.

Only cricket fans will appreciate

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.
As they walk, they come across a sign:
"Beauty contest to find the most beautiful woman in the world.."
"I am entering" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?" <...

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Breaking News:

In a shock move,The English Cricket Board have announced tennis World No.1 Novak Djokovic as temporary batting coach.

"We acknowledge he doesn't no fuck all about Cricket, but we couldn't overlook the fact it took Australia two weeks to get him out."

Why is the sport of cricket called cricket?

A: **Because it's boring.**

*Was told this by a 10 year old, and didn't quite get it at first, but I think it's rather genius.*

My friend gets crickets when he needs to feed his pet scorpion. Do you know when I get crickets?

Every time I tell a joke.

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During my visit to Bruxelles over the weekend, I was offered a burger made from insects and everyone assured me it tasted 100% like the real thing.

I thought "Fuck, how do those guys in Belgium know how crickets taste?"

An expectant father wants to call the local hospital to ask about his wife, who's in labour...

But in his haste, he accidentally calls the local cricket ground instead.

He asks about the situation, and the shock almost kills him.

"All is well, we've already got 3 out, there's another 7 to go, and we're hoping to be finished by lunchtime. Last one out was a duck."

(This...

A father-to-be was waiting anxiously outside the labour ward where his wife was delivering a baby.

A nurse came up to the man and said, 'You have a girl, but there's another one on the way, so come back soon.'

'Twins,' he thought, a little shakily. He went away and came back an hour later to be told that the second baby had been born, but there was still another on the way.

'Good gr...

How do you find out that a cricket hears with its legs?

First, you put the cricket on a box, tap the box, and you see that the cricket jumps away.
Now, you cut his legs off, put him on a box, tap the box, and you'll see that the cricket does not jump away.

I just made a joke about the EU's decision to allow insects in food.

[crickets]

I put out a poll to see if anyone out there was interested in insect based burgers.

All I’m hearing is crickets!

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Eddie the Head

Eddie the Head was sad because his friends were playing football (soccer to our US friends) in the park and he could see them from his bedroom window. Eddie asked if he could join in. "Of course you can," they said. "You can be the ball!"

That night, bruised and bloody, Eddie lay in bed. "I h...

Why did the blind lady fall into a well?

Because she couldn't see that well.

*crickets, crickets*

Why do bullfrogs love terrible comedians?

----------?






*crickets*

A late night booty call woke me from a deep sleep...

that damn cricket better have got some!

Told a joke to a bunch of bugs

And I’ll heard was crickets…

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