A man called the hospital where his pregnant wife was admitted. He was accidentally connected to the Lord's Cricket Ground.

"So how did it go ?", he asked.

The person on the other side of the line said, "We've got four out and expect to have the rest out before lunch. The last one was a duck."

I spent £80 taking my son to see the cricket today.

Eighty quid and all it did was hop about and chirrup.

My wife says she's leaving me due to my obsession with cricket.

I'll be honest, it's knocked me for six.

Just tested which hat was best for projecting a cricket ball.

In third place was the Fez, in second was the top hat, but none were a match for the Bowler.

When I found out my uncle scavenges body parts to play cricket with...

I hardly batted an eyelid.

If you had a cricket ball in one hand and a cricket ball in the other what do you have?

A gigantic, male cricket.

A cricket walks into a sporting goods store:

A cricket walks into a store selling goods for sports, looking to buy a baseball bat.

He walks up to the clerk:

"Where are the baseball bats located, please?" The cricket asks.

The clerk is, not surprisingly, shocked to see a talking cricket. But he decides to play it cool.
<...

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A man is playing in his cricket league's final, and is just about to bowl when he notices a funeral procession walking past.

He immediately stops, takes off his cap, and bows his head until they pass.

"That was real sportsmanship you showed there." the Umpire tells him at the end of the match.

"Well it was the least I could do," replies the man. "It was my wife's funeral."

You ever heard the sound of a cricket on its last leg?

... no one has.

Imagine you're in a room full of crickets

*cricket noises*

TIL crickets only do their iconic "yelling" chirp in the presence of wild moths. Unfortunately, my cricket has none.

He has no moth and he must scream.

The cricketer was proud of his progress as a batsman and invited his mother-in-law along to watch him play, hoping to impress her.

At the crease, he turned to the wicketkeeper and said "I'm anxious to do well and really hit this ball. That's my wife's mother over there." "Don't be silly," said the wicketkeeper. "You'll never hit her at 200 hundred yards."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[for the Aussies & cricket fans] A guy goes to the doctor...

...Doctor: what’s the matter?

Patient: doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my ass (arse for the Aussies)

Doctor: how’s that?

Patient: don’t you start

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cricket is in love with a mantis

but he's terrified, because he keeps hearing that a mantis will eat the male after sex. Nevertheless, one night the cricket gets really drunk and propositions the mantis. The two have amazing sex all night long, but in the morning the cricket comes to his senses and starts eyeing the mantis warily.<...

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If I’m holding a cricket ball in each hand, what do I have?

A really fucking huge cricket.

I'm going to apply for the job as Australia's next cricket captain.

I've been ball tampering for years and never got caught.

I drive my car like I play cricket

I hit and run

Today in cricket....

Indians showed their attachment to 7-11.

A South African, New Zealander, Barbadian and an Irish Man walk into a bar

and win the Cricket World Cup for England

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F**ck cheesy chat-up lines, we need better break-up lines:

Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back.

Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?

I didn't know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that's because this angel's gained a little weight since we started goin...

I had to tell my neighbour this morning i hit her cat

She asked " is it bad"

I said "well, it broke my cricket bat in half"

I like crickets

They always laugh at my jokes.

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Best Cricket Joke Ever!

(Incident described in "From the Pavilion End" by
Harold "Dickie" Bird)

"Bomber" Wells, a spin bowler and great character,
played for Glocuestershire and Nottinghamshire. He
used to bat at No.11 since one
couldn't bat any lower. Of him, they used to
paraphrase Compton's famous ...

I love the English cricket team....

The thinnest guy is called broad, ugliest guy is called swann, slowest fielder is trott, guy who is 'behind' the stumps is called prior, and guy whose father's name is john is called peter-son. And the guy who is named Monty goes in with his clothes on.

No doubt, this Cricket team deserves to...

Why is the sport of cricket called cricket?

A: **Because it's boring.**

*Was told this by a 10 year old, and didn't quite get it at first, but I think it's rather genius.*

My wife and I were sitting in our living room in silence looking at our phones...

We heard a cricket outside and she looked at me and said "I heard a cricket chirping, but you didn't tell a joke"

Only cricket fans will appreciate

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.
As they walk, they come across a sign:
"Beauty contest to find the most beautiful woman in the world.."
"I am entering" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?" <...

CRICKET

Q: If you had one cricket ball in one hand and another cricket ball in your other hand, what would you have?
A: A bloody big cricket.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I Would Stand Outside At Night And Shout "I Am Horny Any Female Around?"

**I'll Probably Get Arrested, But The Cricket Does It Every Night and nobody minds**

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Long] Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives...

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved cricket all our lives, and we played cricket on Saturdays together for so many years.
Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's bat and ball ...

I've been trying to think of a name for my Cricket shop.

But I'm stumped.

A British fellow just doesn't understand why people like cricket.

He tries, he tries so hard. He knows it's his national sport. He also doesn't care much for football and rugby, and always feels left out at the pub. Then one day, he comes in early for a pint, and there's this strange game on the screen. "What's that game up there, Albert?" Albert looks baffled, "w...

What do you get if you cross a bad joke with a rhetorical question?

.























.




*Crickets*
















Silence.

A man is sentenced to life in prison. His first day on the cell block....

...he is sitting in his cell, when he hears another prisoner shout from down the hall: "27!".


The entire cell block bursts into laughter. A few moments later, another prisoner shouts "55!".


Again, everyone on the cell blocks laughs. This goes on for a while and finally the ne...

Why did the blind lady fall into a well?

Because she couldn't see that well.


*crickets, crickets*

"Bloodied cricket bat found in Oscar Pistorius' house"

In addition, locals have told police that he was previously sighted with stumps.

A father-to-be was waiting anxiously outside the labour ward where his wife was delivering a baby.

A nurse came up to the man and said, 'You have a girl, but there's another one on the way, so come back soon.'

'Twins,' he thought, a little shakily. He went away and came back an hour later to be told that the second baby had been born, but there was still another on the way.

'Good gr...

Two Australians walk into a shady biker bar..

..somewhere in Texas. Inside of course is the whole gang drinking, music stops, crickets...
The boss of the gang asks:
“Did you come here to die?”
Australians respond:
“No, we came in yesterday “

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