UPJOKE
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Finished Jokes

I just finished a long article about the different myths behind Jesus’ death and resurrection.

There was a lot of ….. cross referencing.

I just finished a book in braille that said communism was the best political system

I mean it didn’t say it directly, but I could feel between the lines.

I just finished the book my friend gifted me on herd mentality.

But I haven't read the reviews yet so I don't know if I like it.

What did the movie director say when he finished his burrito?

“That’s a wrap!”

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A couple, both age 76, went to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”

The man said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?” The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.


When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,” and charged them $80. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appo...

Finally finished my chemotherapy!

Cancer can go suck my ball

I just finished watching a murder biopic on Netflix and some of those cops were really, really dumb.

The serial killer was Dahmer though.

One day at church, a priest delivers a sermon about the importance of forgiving your enemies.

When he is a third of the way through the sermon, he says, "Raise your hand if you are now willing to forgive your enemies." Half of the people in the church raise their hands, so the priest continues the sermon.

When he is two thirds of the way through the sermon, he says, "Raise your hand i...

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A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. As he rested afterwards, he felt a bit guilty...

He thought it wasn't ethical to screw one of his patients. However, a little voice in his head said, "Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients, so it's not like you're the first..."

This made the doctor feel much better until another voice in his head said, "..... but they probably ...

I just finished reading a biography of JFK

The ending was mind-blowing

I just finished writing my book on penguins. It was very difficult and tiresome but I managed to finish it.

I should have probably taken my the advice from the publisher, friends and family to write it on paper to make it easier.

What does Mike Tyson, after he's finished baking, have in common with Walter White?

A methy kitchen.

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost

He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, "Can you please help me, I don't know what Hole I'm on."

She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6."

He thanked her and continued playing golf.

Later, he got lost again.

He saw the same lady and...

Dave was a cannibal, and a conceited one at that.

So when he was in a bad car accident, the people of his town weren’t very sympathetic. But when they learned that he died, they softened up a bit. “I didn’t know that his injuries were life threatening,” one of his neighbors said. Another replied that they weren’t. “Well then how did he die?” th...

The electrician finished fixing my lights

I told him he really brightened my day.

I’ve just finished writing a book on snakes.

It would have been much easier if I’d just written in on paper…

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The Barber (long)

A man was getting a haircut prior to taking a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded,

“Why would you want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty — and full of Italians! You’re crazy to go to Rome!

“So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking United,” w...

A guy walks into a bar, and takes a seat, noticing that he's the only customer.

The only person around is a bartender, who is on his phone, and who waves to indicate he'll be with him as soon as he can.

The guy nods and waits patiently, but suddenly he hears a small voice say: "Nice shirt!" He looks around, but can't see anyone other than the bartender, who is still on ...

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

The Tetris movie is finally coming out in 2023 after numerous delays.

Every time they finished a line in the script, it disappeared.

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I finished work early.

I came home early one day and caught my wife in bed with one of my friends.

I was angry, I got my gun out of the drawer and shot him dead.

My wife said what the fuck?

You carry on like this you ain't gonna have any friends left.

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Hotshot

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.

The jet jockey decided to show off.

The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.
...

First attempt at writing a joke!

I started a new job this week.

On my first day it was my co-worker Frank's birthday; we gathered around his desk to sing happy birthday and share a cake.

Just as we finished singing the office door slammed open.

In strides a creature: upper body of a man, lower body of a hors...

A man hires a blonde to paint his porch.

He tells her that the brushes, paint, and ladders are in the garage.

About 30 minutes later he hears a knock and answers the door. The blonde lets him know that she's finished.

"Wow" he says, "that was quick. Did you have enough paint?"

"Yup, enough for 2 coats!" she replies....

An expectant father wants to call the local hospital to ask about his wife, who's in labour...

But in his haste, he accidentally calls the local cricket ground instead.

He asks about the situation, and the shock almost kills him.

"All is well, we've already got 3 out, there's another 7 to go, and we're hoping to be finished by lunchtime. Last one out was a duck."

(This...

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Frog

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks...

Wife: Now that we've been married 20 years, how old do you think I look, honestly?

Husband: From your skin I'd say 28, from your hair 25, from your figure 29.

Wife: Oh, what a lovely thing to say.

Husband: Hang on, I haven't finished adding it up yet.

Breaking News Trump’s personal library just burned down

The fire consumed both books and he hasn’t even finished coloring the second one

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I could have been a great pornstar...

I would have finished early every day.

A Nasty Divorce

On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things. On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feaste...

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Two Jewish newlyweds have just finished having sex.

The wife sashays naked to the bathroom, but the husband soon hears a shout for help. When he comes in he finds his wife has sat in the toilet with the seat up and gotten stuck. Despite his best efforts the husband can't his wife out and goes to ring an emergency plumber.

His wife shouts, "...

The cleaning lady was almost finished cleaning a suite when she noticed her Hoover wasn't working.

Thinking quick, she threw it out the window, making the room a vacuum cleaner.

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What is the difference between a Prostitute, a Mistress, and a Wife?

The Prostitute says, “Are you finished yet?”


The Mistress says, “You're not done already, are you?”


The Wife says, “Beige… I think I’ll paint the ceiling Beige.”

Four college friends, teammates on the school's Rowing team, take a trip to Patagonia on Spring Break and get lost for a couple weeks.

Having brought food enough for only five days, they were soon forced to butcher and eat their alpaca, who they'd used to carry some of their gear.

That gave them enough food for a while, but even that eventually wore thin, until they were down to just the pack-animal's tongue, lips, and face...

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An Arab guy living in the desert

Who is a specialist in hunting some rare type of birds for food, he usually catches a lot but since it was a rough season he would be blessed to even catch 1 bird, one day he got very lucky and caught 2,

As he was heading home, he encountered a stranger who was lost, the guy offered him to st...

I recently went to visit my 80 year old uncle who lives on a very secluded farm in Michigan's upper peninsula.

I have not seen my uncle in over 20 years. It is a 10 hour drive to his house and he only leaves the farm for groceries or doctor’s appointments, and never ventures far. We spent hours chatting the entire evening, and finally went to bed after midnight.

Early the next morning my uncle prepar...

Darts.

A Scottish couple took in a young women as a lodger.

She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathtub inside, although if she wanted to, she could use the outside tub.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to play darts," s...

A lady and her foul mouthed bird

So a lady just recently lost her husband and is feeling lonely, so she decided to get a pet, she goes to the pet store and gets a parrot, she bring a it home and it keeps saying the most awful rude and hateful things, she goes back to the pet store and tells the manager, “Hey, my bird is saying such...

I was doing the crossword puzzle at breakfast and asked my wife for some help.

I asked, "What's a word used to express a lack of understanding?"

She said "Huh?"

I said, "What's a word used to express a lack of understanding?"

She said "Huh?"

I tried one more time, "What's a word used to express a lack of understanding?"

For some reason, she ...

Einstein: I finally finished my theory about space.

Mrs. Einstein: It’s about time.

Einstein: Wow! How did you know that?

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I just finished listening to a country album backwards.

I got my dog, my truck, and my wife back.

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut.

He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the...

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A pirate walked into a bar.

He had a wooden leg, an eye patch and a hook for a hand. The bartender was curious. "How did you get that wooden leg?" he asked.

The pirate took a swig of ale. "'Twas a terrible sea battle. I stood bravely, directly facing 12 cannons.All they managed to hit was my leg."

The bartender s...

A priest goes to the barber for a haircut.

When it’s done, he asks the barber how much he owes.

“All free, friend. I consider it a service to God”.

The next morning when the barber goes to work, he sees a bunch of flowers and a Bible in the doorstep. The flowers come with a thank you card from the priest.

Presently, a po...

A six-year-old girl came home one day from school

and asked her mother, “Mama, how was I born?” The mother was embarrassed. She said, “A stork dropped you.” The girl noted that down.

Then she asked, “Mama, how were you born?” 

“A stork dropped me too.” 

“Mama, how was Grandmama born?” 

“A stork dropped her too.” 

...

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Billy's diagnosis

Billy was just diagnosed with a terminal cancer. The doctor gave him 3 weeks to live.

Billy came home and called his son upstairs. With a heavy voice, Billy said “I have cancer and I only have 3 weeks left to live. It is in our family’s tradition to drink ourselves out in such events.” The s...

A Blonde calls her boyfriend and says,

"Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go ...

The husband entered the shower, when his wife had just finished washing herself and left the bathroom.

Suddenly, the door-bell rang.
The wife quickly wrapped herself in a towel and ran to open the door.
A neighbour, Jack, was standing there.
Seeing the woman, he said: “I’ll give you 1000$, if you take off the towel”.
After thinking for 5–10 seconds, the woman took off the towel.
The ne...

A woman sat next to a man at a bar

She leaned over and whispered into his ear "I want you to make me feel like a real woman."

The man finished his beer, stood up, took off his shirt & said "I need this ironed."

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Little Igor was struggling with his home assignment

Little Igor was struggling with his home assignment so he went to his dad Mr. Igor for help.

Dad: what is this assignment about?

Little Igor: teacher asks us to write a sentence with the words country, party, people and citizen. And I don't know what these words mean.

Dad: you s...

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A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:

“Forgive me father for I have sinned”.

“What have you done?” asked the priest.

“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a wh...

One morning the Viceroy of India went to visit his old army pal Major Barrington, who owned an orchard.

Walking through the orchard, the Viceroy marveled at all the different varieties of fruit: oranges, apples, bananas, pineapples, mangoes, guavas. "Why, you must have twenty different types of apples I've never heard of!" he remarked.

"Oh, that's nothing," replied the Major. "I'll bet you ther...

I just finished my hiking playlist, it has peanuts, the cranberries and Eminem.

I call it my trail mix

I don't want to brag, but I finished the jigsaw puzzle in a week...

And it said 2-4 years on the box.

I live in Pripyat and I just finished watching Chernobyl

And I gotta say I counted 17 inaccuracies on my right hand alone.

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I've just finished my time machine, and the first thing I'm going to do...

...you know, I'm sick of all these trashy paintings by Adolf Hitler, I'm going to go back and make sure he never gets into art college.

What

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: “Using everything we have learned this ...

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Celebrating woman

I went out last night and met a nice woman.

She was very bubbly and kept excitedly saying 21 today, 21 today.

We got on very well and one thing led to another and we ended up at my place and had great sex.

After we had finished she looked at me and said excitedly 22 today, 22...

I just finished watching Kill Bill Volume 2

Had to have the subtitles on. Couldn't hear a thing.

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Little Johnny wakes up one night…

Little Johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom.

He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind.

Johnny screams.

Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for g...

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognizing him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over...

I just finished a college degree in Philosophy.

Now I'm qualified to ask WHY you want fries with that.

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An old man spoke to his wife

He said "Edna, I've witnessed a miracle! Last night when I got up to go to the bathroom, GOD turned the light on for me! And when I was finished, He turned the light off!"

And his wife said, "Harry, you're pissing in the fridge again!"

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So, there was this accordion player who just finished his 4th bar mitzvah of the week. He tossed his accordion in the back of his '92 Geo Metro hatchback and took off for home.

As he drove, he rolled the windows down (with a manual handcrank) because his air conditioning was broken.

He tried to play his favorite cassette tape, Polka Floyd, but the music screetched to a halt as the tape from the cassette got hopelessly tangled in the tape deck.

More than a li...

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Was very nearly on a gameshow.

It was called Number Quest and involved answering math based question while standing in large numbered circles.

Anyway, just before I went on, I really needed to pee, but the producer was shouty and intimidating, so I was too afraid to ask. Plus it was live, so I didn’t think I had time.
...

What’s the difference between “incomplete” and “finished”?

**What’s the difference between “incomplete” and “finished”??**

A man without a wife feels incomplete. Once married, he’s finished.

Freddie Mercury had just finished his meal in a Greek restaurant when the waiter came over with a couple of plates for him to smash.

"Can you go and get me another one please?" Asked Freddie.

"Why?" Asked the waiter.

"I want to break three."

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcef...

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The old man and the blond

An 80 year old Oil billionaire and a 25-year-old blonde runway model are getting married today.

In an effort to prove that she wasn’t out for the old man’s money, she asked her husband to arrange for separate honeymoon suites.

This way after the marriage was consummated, he could go b...

Xmas cleaning

I finished cleaning up my bathroom mirror and I did such a good job that I ended just sitting there reflecting...

Reporter to the old guy sitting next to his wife: "what's your secret for 80 years of happy and successful marriage?"

The old man replied "i'm gonna tell you a story, 75 years ago we were on a trip, we were horseback riding just ive two of us, out of nowhere her horse went crazy and throw her off on the ground, she calmly got up, cleared herself of dust and facing ive horse said "that's one" then got back on the ho...

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