I'm having a hard time stopping my musician ex from entering my house despite changing the locks multiple times...

I guess they were always better at key changes than me.

Despite some artists success in the 17th century...

Despite some artists success in the 17th century, many found themselves Baroque.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman joins a country club, and when she hears some guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."


He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.


They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."


She's there at 6:30 am. sharp ...

My fitness has been great these past years despite the COVID lockdowns.

I even maxed out the weight on the assisted pull-up machine.

I have 1,800 nuclear missiles, 283 battle ships, 9,400 planes.. I spend more on my military than the next 12 nations combined and despite spending more every year I still feel insecure...

I have a military-industrial complex.

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season. He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove. He decided he would set up a Christmas light display.

It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventually through the sweat of his farmhands and an absurd number of extension cords, he was finished. When sunset came, the first car to come down that road got an amazing sight.


The entire fence was covered in lights! Fenc...

Despite being in my mid-forties, every morning when I wake up, I feel like a twenty-year-old...

But there's never one available.

Despite removing all the stains....

I lost my job as a Church window cleaner.

So the FBI only interviewed ten people in the Brett Cavanaugh investigation, despite getting thousands of leads.

I guess their tip line was actually a “just the tip” line.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

Despite the pandemic, my family decided to get together for a big dinner this Christmas

The food was bad though, didn't taste like anything

Despite what his detractors say, Donald Trump accomplished what no other U.S. President was able to do.

He got himself impeached. TWICE.

What do you call a crab that, despite being warned, insists on driving intoxicated?

Very shellfish.

I applied for a job as a Photographer

Despite a negative interview, the boss told me that he can develop my talent in the dark room.

Despite my wife having celiac's disease, she keeps on eating bread...

You could say she's a gluten for punishment.

The Bell Ringer

A bishop advertises a job to ring the bell in his tower. The only job applicant is a hunchback with no arms. Bishop: "How can you do the job? You can't pull the rope!" Hunchback: "I have a plan - but we have to go to the top of the tower, where the bell is." .. So they climb all those stairs to the ...

“Hey, why do you still work as a mailman despite having such a low salary?”

“It’s not about the money, it’s about sending a message.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My take on an old joke

A man walks into a castle to speak to the King.

"I wish to join your court, my liege." said the man

To which the king responded:

"You may join, but only if you complete these three tasks I give you."

The man, eager to join the court, carefully listens to the king's instru...

Despite CDC guidelines, there's no reason to worry about people not covering their noses with their masks.

They're mouth-breathers anyway.

Trump is the first person in American history who is refusing to concede and leave the White House despite losing the election.

I think he really wants to be the precedent.

Opporknockity

James was a talented pianist, but just wasn't top tier in his talent. He had plenty of smaller venue gigs, but every time he auditioned for large concerts, he was softly rejected as being "so close, but the other person was just a tad better".

One day he was at a carnival, and for laughs he w...

Despite Brexit, English is set to become the EU official language...

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union, given its majority status in the EU, despite the UK leaving.

As part of the final Brexit negotiations, Germany proposed a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known ...

Why God? Why?

One day a fellow was watching Fox News and learned about a new virus that was rapidly spreading and quickly killing those who got sick with it. The nightly news reports got worse and worse, this Covid-19 virus was spreading around the world and killing increasingly large numbers of people. But he wa...

Despite getting A-level results of A, B, B, A

it seems that no employer will take a chance on me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his wife are lying in bed when they hear a knock at the door.

The man hears that the wind is blowing a gale and the rain is is getting heavier and decides it was just the wind and goes back to sleep.

A few minutes later they hear it again so his wife says "Honey, go check it out. It might be bad news"
The man reluctantly agrees and goes to the front ...

A sixth grade teacher asks her class how many were Trump fans.

A sixth grade teacher asks her class how many were Trump fans.

Despite them not knowing what a Trump fan was but wanting to be liked by the teacher, they all raised their hands. Well, all except for little Timmy.

The teacher looks over to little Timmy and asks, “Timmy, why are you bein...

A blonde woman gets on a plane to Detroit and heads for a seat in first class, despite having an economy ticket...

A short while into the flight an air hostess notices she's in the wrong section of the plane and asks her to return to her allocated seat. The blond simply replied "no". Shocked and confused, the hostess insisted once more that she move, but the blond refused again.



The hostess leave...

Our church minister is still banging parishioners despite the pandemic...

Guess he never heard the commandment, "Thou shalt not covid they neighbor's wife".

John and his girlfriend Mary decide to become bank-robbers.

Mary does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while John waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught.

At trial, the judge condemns ...

Despite the massive age difference, my dad was surprisingly relieved to hear I was dating Dane Cook.

He said “at least he won’t try anything funny.”

Despite their best intentions...

Owning a personal paper shredder says a lot about a person

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ear sex

Husband tells his wife of 20 yrs to get ready because that night they're doing it in the ear. She protests thats crazy and she'll end up deaf. He replies that's nonsense because despite all the BJ's she never shuts the fuck up

Despite space being a Vacuum

Mars is really Dusty

An old but timely parable / joke for our times

A river valley was flooding fast. A TV news bulletin warned residents to get to higher ground. But as everyone was evacuating, a smug Evangelist stood his ground and declared "I will pray to God to deliver me from this disaster!"

So he prayed.

Some time went by and the floodwaters ro...

80% of Swedish nationals report enjoying the lockdown despite having initially rejecting it. They say it makes them more productive.

Personally, I think it’s just a case of Stuckhome syndrome.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday...

It is with the saddest heart that I pass on the following news. Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.


The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection, and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.


Doughboy is ...

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

Locksmiths still have to do their jobs, despite the current pandemic

They are key workers, after all.

A dog lover, whose female dog was in heat, agreed to look after her neighbor’s male dog while the neighbor was on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.

As she was drifting off to sleep late that night she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs passionately locked together.

Despite her best attempts she was unable to se...

There once was a man named Ulf, and he was the meanest Viking in all the land.

Time after time he proved his temperament, and so obnoxious was he that the world knew him as Rude Ulf.

Despite his prowess, the village soon found him unbearable, and even his mother had not a kind thing to say.

Amidst pleas and cries for Rude Ulf’s exile, the chief gave him an ultima...

There was once a boy

Forgive me for my bad english, its my second language. Feel free to give corrections if there are any

There was once a boy who treats everyone garbage, making fun of someone by who they are in the outside. His mother didn’t approve this behavior and told to his son that it was not right to ri...

Four best friends graduate from college and promise to meet up with each other once every 10 years despite taking different paths in lives.

Four best friends graduate from college and promise to meet up with each other once every 10 years despite taking different paths in lives.

When they're all 35 years old, they discuss where they should meet up. One friend suggests they should go to the cabin located at the outskirts of a smal...

After extensive investigations and many phone calls, the police found that, despite the fact that I’m black, I’ve got a good job, no criminal record and I own the BMW I was driving.

So they arrested me for wasting police time.

The private detective is called to a crime scene

As he enters the very large and rustic mansion, he is led to the location where the body was found. It seems like the perfect crime scene. No prints, no clues, just a dead man, with no signs of how he was murdered.

The detective says: “do you have any suspects?” The police officer in charge o...

Unlike other countries, Syria, despite all their problems, did manage to get their people to be aware of public hygiene and satefy during coronavirus.

Maybe because they already knew what Damascus.

Despite my major dislike of tattoos, my wife recently got one of a club, diamond, heart and spade

I just can't deal with it

Despite tonight's advice from the UK government, pub chain Wetherspoons will remain open for a further THREE WEEKS!

They won't be serving anything, it's just to give people who went to the toilets a chance to leave before they lock up.

Heavy rain

A natural science professor goes to visit her friend, despite the thick downpour.

*buzzer* "Who's there?"

"Martha? It's me."

"Lucy?! *electric lock clacking* Come upstairs, quick, it's raining a lot!"

"Oh, Martha, you wouldn't belive it... It's raining outside too!"

We went for a hike at the weekend , despite the blustery conditions , and despite taking 2 steps forward then 3 steps back we battled against the weather quite well.

Then it happened, from nowhere came down the sandwiches, sausage rolls, scotch eggs quiche and Vol-au-vent and then I realised we was being buffetted by the wind.

Three blondes

Three blondes are driving down the street in a little car and get in an accident in which they all die. They awake to find themselves at the gates of Heaven, with Saint Peter smiling sweetly. He welcomes them and announces "ladies, before me I have the book of life. In it, i can see you've done some...

People are crazy in Michigan; protesting Covid-19 despite being one of the hardest hit states?

There must be something in the water.

Despite the civil unrest, America has lost nothing of its greatness.

Still 9,540,000 square miles.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Despite black people making up only 13% of the population, they make up 50% of...

Captain Americas ^in ^the ^mcu

I have been working on my dream project 18 hours a day despite several threats from a large corporation that I work for. Until one day ..

They decided to fire me for SLEEPING during work hours

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mental patient who believes that he is dead in the mental hospital where he is admitted

Therefore does not eat and does not participate in any vital activities, could not be convinced that he is not dead despite all the efforts made by all expert psychiatrists.

One of the psychiatrists, who understands that the patient will not give up on this decision and undertakes his treatme...

Despite its bad review I bough this vacuum cleaner from Amazon

It sucks.

The pug

A guy tells his buddy, "I got my wife a dog for her birthday."

His buddy asks, "What breed?"

The guy says, "It's a pug. And, despite the squashed nose, the bulging eyes and the rolls of fat, the dog really loves her."

While on the run from the cops, Peter hid in a dentist's office.

Seeing that the dentist left for a break, he quickly donned the uniform to avoid getting caught. Soon after, a man entered the office for his appointment. Peter knew nothing about dentistry but he was in too deep to bail.

The client said, "I have a problem with my cavity."

Peter, tryi...

Why couldn't the detective solve the Alabama murder case despite having the dna samples

It matched with everyone

Somalia swept the Olympic sailing podium

They earned gold, silver, and bronze despite starting the event with one entry

Despite what you may hear or read, the United States is close to perfection.

Canada!!!

Despite all the 2020 jokes

Soliemani didn't see it coming

It's appalling that despite advances in Science, the constant media circus has made us insensitive to the fact that every minute...

Sixty seconds pass away

Did you hear the one about the Senator who won his election despite not having thumbs?

He ran unopposed.

I know a guy who writes reviews of hippopotamuses despite the fact he always told me he was against rating animals.

He’s a hippo-crit.

Jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains.

This gives me hope for the next generation.

My brother keeps drowning despite my numerous attempts to teach him to stay afloat.

What a dense child.

How did the hotdog get the job despite having a criminal record?

It was a misde-wiener

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men die and go to Heaven

3 men die and go to Heaven. St Peter meets them and starts reviewing their files.

He starts talking to the first guy: “I see that you lived a good life, but you cheated on your wife 30 times. That’s not very good, but not bad enough to send you to hell. So you can stay in heaven, but you’ll h...

I was sitting in a bathroom stall "doing my business", when suddenly the guy in the neighbour stall...

I was sitting in a bathroom stall "doing my business", when suddenly the guy in the neighbour stall started: **"Hey man, how are you doing?"**.



A little confused I replied: **"Ehm good, I guess."**



To my surprise the guy continued with: **"What ya doin'?"**


<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Therapist: It seems like you place the burden of all your failures on others, refusing to take responsibility due to learned helplessness, despite most of your problems being solvable.

Client: Yeah, I get that from my mother.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ve been getting busy with a new girlfriend recently. I’m very relieved she finds the quality of the sex adequate despite the bend I’ve developed in my penis.

I know because I asked her. She said “Weird flex but okay.”

Have mercy I've never written any humor until now. I've attempted to write a joke about a meta joke.

A meta joke walks into a bar and says to the bartender

"I don't have much time to explain! We're living in a hypothetical reality, both of us, characters in a joke! I tell you this here and now, despite the fact that by all metrics I should not be a sentient or even tangible entity capable o...

Despite all the dirt, I finally could grab a good photo of that metal milling facility

It was a stainless still!

Despite constantly dropping the ball...

Gravity is pretty reliable

Why was the cow broke, despite being a full time waitress?

Nobody tipped her.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Nicholas Cage shoved an angry rat up his butt, and you interviewed the rat everyday

His response would likely be, “Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage.”

Despite what people think, it's not all doom and gloom being a morgue attendant.

This morning I had a right little Chuckle.

Verizon made a new minimum security prison and despite what many would believe its very successful.

its got no bars but you still cant get out of it for 2 years

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Despite what you might think, poop jokes aren't actually my favorite kind of joke

But they are a solid number two.

My friend's new flame is in a wheelchair. Despite that he is madly in love and can't stop talking about her.

Personally i find her pretty lame.

A charity office noticed that their town's most successful lawyer had never given any of his hundreds of thousands of dollars to the charity. One of the charity reps called the lawyer to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that, despite your wealth, you haven't given a cent to charity," said the charity rep. "Wouldn't you like to make at least a small donation?"

"Did you research also tell you that my mother is dying of cancer?" replied the lawyer.

"No," answered the charity rep.
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Despite my objections, my pastor told me and my boyfriend that homosexuality and dyslexia are sinful.

I guess I'm in Daniel

Despite all the flak the public gives him, Trump has already solved the immigration problem in just a few days after becoming President-elect

Just ask yourself, who would want to sneak into America now?

Despite all the hate it gets, working at Buzzfeed is probably a very nice job.

After all, you're being paid to go on Reddit all day,=.

I tried to teach a ghost addition. Despite its efforts, in the end, it could only add 1 at a time.

I was disappointed, but I guess it's the spirit that counts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Despite an extensive knowledge of the inter workings of mathematics, the expert mathematician’s favorite equation was 1+2...

That horny bastard just couldn’t get enough of that three sum.

Despite not being a shoplifter, I know what goes through their heads.

"I'm not buying it."

I opened an egg restaurant that only serves the best eggs.

It's getting a lot of 1 star reviews despite us barely getting any customers though so if you're in the Bay area, checkout "Whites only" and help us out!

Despite the cost of living it’s extremely popular

Over 7 billion people are doing it

This year was especially tough for my family - we lost over 20 family members. Despite all this, I learned to look positive at things...

I'M GONNA TO BE RICH !!!



(btw, why GMail keeps putting these mails in spam?)

Despite the fact she is a Democrat, Monica Lewinsky decided to vote for Trump in the last election...

....she said to her friend, "I'd like to vote for Hillary, but the last Clinton left a very foul taste in my mouth."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a man finds an old lamp and rubs it

As one would expect a genie pops out offering traditional wishes. Man thinks it over and says he doesn't want anything, that he is happy. Genie tries to persuade him to name three wishes, being a tradition and all and not wanting to be seen as odd genie out. Despite all this man declines and walks a...

A man walks into a bar

he notices a jar of cash on the counter, and asks the bartender, ”what’s with the jar” the bartender explains it is the prize for completing a set of challenges, entry is $5. The man orders a few drinks, all the while he contemplates attempting the challenges. After his 5th glass he sets down $5 dol...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lying on his deathbed is a Russian Communist

His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,

"Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh, no worries buddy," says Dimitri.

The Communist t...

A cult attempted to indoctrinate a hair stylist...

But despite their efforts, they just couldn’t condition her.

Despite having no nominations this year,

I'm certain that black folks will clean up at The Oscars.

Samsung Gn7 user here. despite all the abuse they're getting I was surprised that it's actually a really great phone

I mean the battery life alone just blew me away

Despite Putin's recent crackdowns, a new streaming service for banned movies has launched in Russia.

It's called Nyetflix.

People are so divided in this country these days. I don't think either side really realizes that until we all come together, despite our differences; until we all tolerate each other and become one....

We'll NEVER get rid of all the immigrants and Muslims.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"So, Doctor van Helsing, we meet at last," said the Count.

van Helsing turned slowly. The castle library was lit in patches by the bright moonlight spilling through the windows, and otherwise only in a circle of yellow gold by the Dutchman's candle. He had never even heard the door open or a hint of a footfall; and yet there Count Dracula was, less than twe...

A pub's closing and a totally plastered customer struggles to get to the door

Then struggles to walk home, despite only living a few hundred yards from there. He literally crawls on the pavement all the way back home, drags himself up the stairs and eventually reaches his bed after two hours. He wakes up the next morning, and his wife tells him:

"You were really drunk ...

A remix of a classic

A fellow was ~~stuck on his rooftop in a flood~~ going about his regular business in the middle of a pandemic. He was praying to God ~~for help~~ to keep him safe.

Soon a man ~~in a rowboat~~ with a Pfizer vaccine came by and the fellow shouted to the man, "~~Jump in~~Roll up your sleeve, I c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The purple flower joke. (Very long)

Once there was a boy in 5th grade, and he really liked this girl (simp) and he knew that she liked the color purple.

So one day during recess he found these purple flowers and decided to make his move on the girl, so he walked up to her (with the flowers) and said "You are my purple flower" a...

Despite always being made fun of on the internet, I've never seen a fedora-wearing neckbeard in the real life.

I guess that means the stereotype is true.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man sits down at a bar and see a jar full of $10 bills.

He asks the bartender, “Hey barkeep! Whats up with this jar of money?”
The bartender replies, “The game is simple. Put in $10, complete a challenge, and you win the jar.”
The man is intrigued and slides in a $10 bill. “Alright, whats the challenge?”
“First, you have to drink this entire bo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was trapped under a bench press

A man in the gym was at the bench press when the barbell fell on top of him. Despite them being strong, no one could lift the barbell off of him so the man that was trapped tells someone to call a therapist which they do. When the therapist arrives, he asks the man why he called him and the man says...

I've been getting very negative news recently, but despite all of that

covfefe

There was clear fraud and cheating in the 2020 United States Presidential election

and despite cheating, Trump still lost!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jane was a very beautiful lady

But she had one issue: her breath was horrible, and because of that, she had a really hard time with getting to know new people.

Despite that, she was determined to get a date. One night, she went to a club. A guy approaches her, and says: "Hey, wanna dance?"

Jane just nodded her head...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once upon a time...

A horse lived on a farm with a pig, a sheep, and a cow. Now these were no ordinary barnyard animals - for they were bestowed the miracle of Disney animal anthropomorphism - subsequently, the farmer was very happy to have these animals in his posession and the people who came afar to see them made hi...

A joke I adore despite it being completely telegraphed.

My wife told me women are better at multitasking than men STOP So I told her to sit down and shut up STOP Guess what... She couldn't do either STOP

I came home to the sight of my best friend on my bed with my wife.

It really made me appreciate our friendship so much more that he went through all that trouble of digging her out of the grave, just for the sake of a threesome.

It's remarkable that he was able to do that despite being a dog.

Just as the Count was about to pounce on van Helsing, the door to the library was flung open.

Incontinently, a host of furious villagers stormed into the library, waving blazing torches and voicing dire threats. The Count turned to leap on them, then reeled back, repelled at the reek of garlic that wafted from them like a solid thing.

"Count Dracula!" cried the burgomaster, a solid ci...

Three men die and go to heaven

When they arrive at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says to them, "Congratulations; you made it into heaven! God has one rule, however, which is: **YOU CANNOT STEP ON, KILL, OR TOUCH A DUCK.** If you do, you will be punished.**"**

The men think this is rather strange, but they agree.

A cou...

The lonely fish

Deep in the bamboo forest, there lived a tiny fish alone in a pond. Every day he swam around the pond in solitude. His little heart longed for a companion. He gradually became incredibly sad, he stopped eating and he started losing the color in his scales. A fairy, passing by, was taken with the pl...

Went on a trek one time...

Down south in the backwoods. Along my way I met a friendly family that took me in for the night. Despite being impoverished they insisted that I stay the night and have dinner.

When we had dinner it seemed they were serving a kind of stew. Quite aromatic. I asked them what it was and the re...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got fucked hard while in college

Here is what she said while I was getting fucked:

"Despite what we told you earlier you need to take another class to graduate. The next semester will be around $40000 just like they've all been."

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