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Breaking Jokes

Breaking News Trump’s personal library just burned down

The fire consumed both books and he hasn’t even finished coloring the second one

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BREAKING NEWS! Viagra as treatment for sunburns...

It doesn't cure it but it sure keeps the sheets off of your legs at night...

Breaking: Donald Trump has just won another state.

Denial.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down.

The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist, he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.





Edit: Wow! Thank you for all of the awards, I didn't anticipate that. Some people need to relax though. This is just a freakin' joke, not the agenda of a movement.

Also,...

BREAKING: Due to inflation, Dollar Tree will be changing it’s name…

…to Tree Dollar.

Breaking News: Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall

On the condition he gets to install windows.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the hardest part breaking up with a Japanese girlfriend?

You have to drop the bomb on her twice before she gets it.

King Charles has a realistic chance of breaking one of Queen Elizabeths most famous records:

The record number of 15 prime ministers during her reign.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BREAKING NEWS: A man was admitted to the hospital today with 25 plastic toy horses inserted in his rectum.

Doctors have described his condition as stable.

Breaking News: There was a break in at the police station today and the toilet was stolen.

The police have nothing to go on.

In breaking news, Triple Crown winner Justify has turned down an invitation to White House.

When asked why he answered, “If I wanted to see a horse’s ass, I would have finished second.”

A man was driving on the highway in the US when suddenly he was hit by a drunk driver, breaking his right arm, puncturing his lung, and putting him into a short coma

Despite not having insurance, he left the hospital without any financially crippling debt that would haunt him for the rest of his life and compromise his future savings.

Breaking news: Germany is advising people to stock up on sausages and cheese.

This is starting to look like the Wurst Käse scenario.

My girlfriend said, “I am breaking up with you because of your addiction of wearing a different t-shirt every half an hour.”

I said, “Wait! I can change.”

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered an amazing fact about icebergs...

More below.

BREAKING: North Korean leader in a vegetative state following surgery.

They've begun calling him Kim Jong Un-Responsive

Anybody caught breaking rule will be fined....

The first day of university and Dean addressing the students, pointing out some of the rules: “The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.”

He continued, “A...

Breaking News: Local Kindergarten reports major Peek-a-Boo accident.

All involved were rushed to the ICU

Breaking: Brittany Griner

Brittany Griner has just been swapped for arms dealer Viktor Bout.

Both have roughly the same shooting %

A crow was caught recently breaking quarantine laws.

They charged him with attempted murder.

Breaking news: Yevgeny Prigozhin of the Wagner Group has installed Linux on his computer.

He's trying to stay away from Windows.

From how high can you drop an egg onto a concrete floor without breaking it?

Higher than you would think, the structural integrity of a well laid concrete floor renders it virtually indestructible towards an incoming egg, even at terminal velocity.

My wife said she's breaking up with me, because of my obsession with rhyming,

I nearly choked on my tea, what terrible timing!

Two prisoners are breaking out.

To make it to freedom, they have to climb over seven high walls. The first two are no problem, but they are starting to get tired after wall three. Wall four is quite challenging for them, but they make it with little issue. After wall five, they are exhausted, but they keep going. Smelling freedom,...

Breaking News

At Miami International Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.

Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement which h...

Breaking World Cup News.

Ivan Toney has denied that the recent betting allegations cost him a place in the England Squad and states he is gutted he will not be involved in Monday's 2-2 draw with Iran..

Girlfriend: "We're breaking up."

Boyfriend: "Why?"

Girlfriend: "You're always playing video games."

Boyfriend: "This is a stupid thing to *Fallout 4*."


All Credit goes to my friend

BREAKING NEWS ! Mary Poppins will no longer be endorsing ‘Rimmel Vibrant Shades’ lipstick - she claims it “breaks too easily” and it “makes her breath smell”.

She gave the following statement:

“The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis”..

Breaking News: In a press media briefing, United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz has stated...

"Since we cannot beat our competitors, we have resorted to beating our customers".

BREAKING: Barack Obama just elected President of the US

- Sent from Internet Explorer

What was the most ground-breaking invention in human history?

The shovel

BREAKING NEWS!! Cheese Factory Explosion...

De-Brie is everywhere!

BREAKING: Jeff Dahmer's former landlord arrested.

He used to charge an arm and a leg for rent.

BREAKING NEWS from the courtroom! Amber Heard confesses to having a child with Charlie Sheen. The child went to live with his father and took his name.

Both parents agreed the child should be sheen and not heard.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Breaking News:

In a shock move,The English Cricket Board have announced tennis World No.1 Novak Djokovic as temporary batting coach.

"We acknowledge he doesn't no fuck all about Cricket, but we couldn't overlook the fact it took Australia two weeks to get him out."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man has a habit of starting every morning by breaking wind.

Of course, his wife finds this habit disgusting, and even as she asks him to stop, he only snickers, continuing the habit every morning.

After one of the husband's daily bouts of morning flatulence, the woman tells him that if he continues to fart every morning, his intestines will come out ...

Breaking news!

The Russian flagship Moskva has been upgraded to a submarine!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BREAKING NEWS Thieves have allegedly broken into the laboratory at Pfizer to try and steal the new Covid-19 vaccine...

They apparently took a case of viagra instead. The police are looking for a group of hardened criminals.

Breaking News!

I just dropped a ceramic plate.

Breaking News: Local man hit his wife with a power cell which had its top and bottom coated in electrolytes

He has been arrested for a salt-end battery.

Breaking news

Vladymir Putin will marry his girlfriend Eva on April 28th in a private ceremony underneath the Kremlin. A policy change is expected soon after.

Breaking The Silence.

Brother John entered the 'Monastery of Silence' and the Chief Priest said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Brother John lived in the monastery for a full year before the Chief Priest said to hi...

I thought breaking glass would be easy.

Turns out, it's a real pane.

Breaking News

Authorities uncover fraudulent claims from the makers of dandruff shampoo stating "This just scratches the surface!"

I saw a Burglar breaking his own house the other day.

Turns out he was Working from Home.

What’s the best meal to make for someone you’re breaking up with?

Dumplings

Breaking news

Italy is planning to launch 2 new communications satellites in the next year.

They're named Data-1 and Dissa-1.

What is the legal loop hole in breaking and entering laws?

The Santa Clause

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BREAKING: A new drug is being trialled to increase semen output.

More to come.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Breaking News: Madman destroys butter factory!

Some people just want to watch the world churn...

Why did Aaron Paul do such a good job portraying Jesse Pinkman in Breaking Bad?

Because he’s a meth-head actor.

Breaking bad

I was talking to someone about Breaking Bad and they asked me if I remembered who Hector Salamanca was, I told them that he rings a bell

I woke up one night to the sound of someone breaking in to my house.

I quickly reached for my phone. My wife grabbed it away and whispered "Don't do that, he'll hear you! Take your baseball bat, go downstairs and chase him out!"

I reluctantly took my bat and creeped down the stairs.
I tiptoed into the kitchen.

Nobody there.

Slowly, I made my ...

They say that breaking up is hard to do – but it's much easier

with a restraining order and a Rottweiler.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor breaking the news

A patient is at the doctors office, it is the end of his appointment and he is discussing the results with his doctor. The doctor says: “Why don’t you go downstairs to the vending machine and buy yourself a drink on me, this next bit of news might be tough to hear.” The doctor rummages around his po...

Breaking News: Reddit has employed Radiohead as moderators

Or should they be called Karma Police?

Breaking News !!!

Breaking News !!!

A man who took an airline company to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.

Breaking: Dexter Holland from The Offspring has declared bankruptcy after pouring most of the band's savings into this week's lottery tickets.

He asked for a 13, but they drew a 31.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Breaking News: Elderly nuns commit suicide by viagra overdose

Old habits die hard.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Breaking News.

News reporters are shitting bricks.

A new covid variant.


"Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwlllantysiliogogogoch."

Has been identified in Wales.

(For those that are confused, the above is a real place in Wales.)

(And News reporters would have to pronounce it...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BREAKING: New Study Shows Getting Hit in the Testicles is More Painful than Childbirth

After childbirth 34% of women said “Yes” they would like to have another child.

After getting hit in the testicles ~0% of men said “Yes” they’d like to do that again.

Breaking News: The CEO of IKEA has been elected Prime Minister of Sweden.

He's currently assembling his cabinet.

BREAKING NEWS! R. Kelly has…

Tested positive for she-wasn’t 19

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some breaking English football news.

Arsenal are to allow their goal keepers, to train without a mask,

club doctors confirm.

There's no way they can catch anything..

Breaking News: Energizer Bunny Arrested

Charged with battery

Some protestors are breaking into congress

I hear it is a capitol offense

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Breaking News: Elon Musk & Bill Gates have joined hands

to make a Penis Enhancer.....They will call it
ELONGATES

What Do You Get When You Mix Breaking Bad With Fast Food?

Walter Whitecastle, aka “Heisenburger”.

Breaking News

Local police are seeking a shoplifter who attacked a store this lunch time but was tackled by a have-a-go shopkeep with his labelling gun.

Officers say they're seeking a man with a price on his head.

- RIP Ronnie Corbett.

Breaking News: Al-Gebra Operative Arrested

A man was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport , New York, as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Jeff Sessions said he believes the man is a member o...

Breaking news!

Corona Virus claims a black belt. Chuck Norris, Dead at 80.

Carlos Ray “Chuck” Norris, famous actor and fighter, died yesterday afternoon at his home in Northwood Hills, TX at the age of 80.

Chuck Starred in dozens of movies and Tv series which have, and continue to entertain millions ...

BREAKING NEWS!

Man gets hit by a rental car.

Says, “It Hertz.”

BREAKING: Matthew McConaughey Announces Gubernatorial Run

When asked regarding his political leanings, McConaughey stated to a reporter that his views were "all right all right all right."

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