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Complete Jokes

One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage

I accidentally texted my wife “I’m having a wonderful time. I wish you were her.”

I completely misunderstood Pride Month..

Does anyone want to buy 14 lions?

A flashbang would be completely ineffective against Helen Keller.

Because she's dead.

My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.

She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

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My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code

Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

I'm glad the cave rescue is complete....

Now when I google Thai boys I can get back to normal results

Amazing how a colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence

For example:

-Jane ate her friend's sandwich.

-Jane ate her friend's colon.

I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.

I'm not sure what scared him more. My naked body or the fact I knew where he lived

My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning

It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz

I wanted to tattoo 'do not resuscitate' on my chest but my parents were completely adamant I didnt

I respected their wishes so tattooed 'I'm uninsured' on my chest instead

I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today.

It's my thirty-second birthday.

I COMPLETELY disagree with Trump's military trans ban...

I mean, wouldn't all those attack helicopters be useful??

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Scientists have identified a food that completely kills sex drive in women.

It's called "wedding cake."

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I was in the supermarket with the wife today when completely out of the blue she said "You know something? You really are a lazy bastard!"

I was so shocked I nearly fell out of the trolley.

Completed in 1856, Big Ben was designed by architects Charles Barry and Augustus Welby Pugin and took 13 years to build.

Which is crazy long considering they were working around the clock.

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My sexbot is nearly complete

I just need to work in a few kinks!


…Later, when they find my dead body:

"Seems like this robot… turned on its creator!"

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Starting today I will be completely avoiding German porn.

I just want to train myself to have a Hans-free orgasm.

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A guy comes home completely drunk one night.

He lurches through the
door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.

"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.
"At this new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden.
It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the ur...

I'm a 5G installation engineer and people are constantly accusing me with bizarre conspiracy theories, such as how 5G is giving them headaches, or killing their sperm. I think they are completely crazy.

4G must've fried their brains.

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting…

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want ...

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the bartender delivers it, the cowboy looks around and notices the bar is completely deserted other than himself and the bartender...

"Where is everybody? This place is usually packed this time of day," the cowboy says.

The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," says the bartender.

"What kind of name is that? Why do they call him Brown Pap...

I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely

if architects in those days had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

A bounty hunter rides into town with a completely sealed box.

He goes up the the mayor, holds up the bounty, and says, “I’ve got your bandit just as you requested ‘dead and alive’.”

The mayor says, “not ‘dead AND alive’, ‘dead OR alive’. ”

The bounty hunter looks at the bounty and then at the box and then at the mayor, and says, “I guess we shoul...

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A vacuum cleaner salesman came to my door, poured a bag of dog shit on my carpet and said, "Sir, if this vacuum can't clean it completely, I'll eat whatever's left."

I said, "I hope you're hungry 'cause they cut off the electricity this morning."

You're not completely useless!

You can always serve as a bad example.

If I'm being subjective, I'd say that the greatest hero in Sci Fi is Doctor Who. But if I'm being completely objective...

I'd say it's Doctor Whom.

^*Edit: ^As ^a ^few ^have ^astutely ^pointed ^out, ^the ^character's ^name ^is ^just ^"The ^Doctor"; ^I ^should ^have ^said ^"the ^greatest ^sci ^fi ^show ^is ^Doctor ^Who" ^instead ^of ^"greatest ^hero ^in ^sci ^fi". ^Thankfully ^the ^dumb ^joke ^still ^works ^in ^t...

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My neighbor is pretty mad at his wife for sunbathing completely nude

Personally, I'm on the fence

My wife just recently completed a 40-week body building course...

It’s a boy and he weighs 11lbs 4oz

what's the difference in definition of complete vs. finished

When you marry the right woman you are complete.

When you marry the wrong woman you are finished.

When the right woman finds you with the wrong woman, you are completely finished.

And questions?

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A man with a completely bald head and only one leg is invited to a Fancy Dress Party.

He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head an...

If a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she either really likes you, or you've been completely friendzoned

Or she hasn't seen you in the tree with your binoculars yet.

TIL the american flag planted on the moon is now completely white due to radiation from the sun.

Great, now future archeologists are gonna think the French got there first.

How many members of a specified demographic does it take to complete a particular task?

A finite quantity. One to complete the specific task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of persons from said demographic.

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A lawyer gets pulled over

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a policeman. Cop says, "License and registration, please." Lawyer says, "What for?" Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete s...

New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely acquits him of his girlfriend's murder.

Footprints

I just completed a Rubik's Cube in seven seconds.

I dropped it into a tub of paint.

Why didn't Mario complete his presidential term?

He got in Peach

PresidentTrump is completely right about coronavirus treatment.

If you eat chloroquine phosphate, drink a pint of Chlorox, shoot-up rubbing alcohol, shove a flashlight up your ass, and crash on a tanning bed, you will never get Covid-19.

What do you call a super hero completely made of ice?

Justice

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simulation of monkey pressing button

simulation complete

A cheese sandwich is better than complete happiness

Because nothing is better than complete happiness, and a cheese sandwich is better than nothing.

Apparently, the repairs to Big Ben are going to take three years to complete.

That's ridiculous, considering they're working around the clock.

A Complete History of Russia (Abridged)

“And then things got worse.”

To my favorite pond of water that completely evaporated last night:

You will be mist.

A man went to the doctor’s office for a complete physical.

After all the tests where everything is excellent,he leaves the office and just outside the front door has a massive coronary and dies instantly. The nurse comes to get the doctor and asks him what to do. He comes outside takes a quick exam and says to the nurse “Give me a hand and help me turn him ...

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You know what is brave? Running against a wall completely naked with a boner.

You know what is embarrassing? Breaking your nose doing it.

What four words can completely destroy a man's confidence?

Is it in yet?

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Zeus is offering a seat in his Pantheon for the first person to complete his trials of strength.

An esteemed hero of all men approaches Olympus and thinks hey, why the hell not. If I lose I may be disappointed, but if I win I will join the legendary Gods of the Pantheon!

So he makes his way to Zeus, excited to see what is in store for him in order to prove his worth to the Gods. Along th...

I went to the doctors because I was sad I couldn't complete the crossword..

He told me not to get 2 down

No man is complete until he's married.

Then he's finished

95% of people are completely STUPID

Luckily, I’m in the other 10%

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At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculatio...

A man is in a hospital bed in complete agony...

The doctor comes in and asks him "where does it hurt"

The Man says "everywhere, absolutely everywhere, I'm at my wits end, whenever I touch any part it hurts a lot!"

The doctor asks the man to point out the places the pain radiates from.

So the man pokes his knee, screaming as h...

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In college, I wasn’t admitted to any fraternity because I was circumcised.

To get in, you had to be a complete dick.

I needed to catch a bear to complete my zoo…

So I called a bear catcher.

The bear catcher shows up in his truck the next day. He gets out of his truck with a feather, some rope and a gun along side his dog, Blue.

He says that Blue is an expert bear tracker. He will find us a bear and run it up a tree.

“I’m going to chase...

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A man in Vegas got completely shitfaced and woke up in bed with the ugliest old woman he’d ever seen.

Very quietly, he put $50 on the bureau and tiptoed to the door.

Suddenly he felt a tug on his leg. Another ugly old lady was lying there.

She smiled and said, “What? Nothing for the bridesmaid?”

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent...

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A complete guide on how to pirate:

1) You steal a ship

2) Get a crew

3)Go steal shit from other ships

Hey, have you heard of the guy with a completely flat face?

No?

I didn't think so, he likes to keep a low profile.

Cooling yourself to -273C is completely fine...

If you do, you'll be 0K!

Why are CDC's covid guidelines not complete

Today they told us that a facemask and gloves are enough to be safe outside, and when I came outside I saw everybody is wearing clothes.

What's the difference between 'Completed' and 'Finished'?

What's the difference between 'Completed' and 'Finished'?

No dictionary has been able to define the difference between 'Complete' and 'Finished'. But I am here to set the record straight.

When you marry the right woman, you are 'Complete'. If you marry the wrong woman, you are 'Finishe...

Last night I had a dream where I experienced a completely new color.

It was a pigment of my imagination

My friend went completely bald years ago, but he still carries a comb with him.

He just can’t part with it.

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An Alcoholics Anonymous meeting takes place. The presenter completes a demonstration.

He brings out two glasses, a bottle of whiskey, a bottle of water and an earthworm. He pours one glass with water and the other with whiskey. He then drops the worm into the bottle of water, where it wriggles around for a little while, but is ok.

He then picks it up and drops it into the whi...

A man got arrested for downloading the complete WikiPedia...

It's OK though, he can explain everything!

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A software tester walks into a bar

Backs into a bar.

Runs into a bar.

Crawls into a bar.

Dances into a bar.

Flies into a bar.

Jumps into a bar.

And orders:

a beer.

2 beers.

0 beers.

987654321 beers.

a lizard in a beer glass.

\-1 beer.

"qwertyui...

What do you call a completely white bee?

An Albeeno

What do you call a hippo who says something and does the complete opposite?

A hippocrite

It is said that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare

Today, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true

They should completely decriminalize weed.

Those who disagree should get stoned.

Do you know the difference between "complete" and "finished"

No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the difference between "complete" and "finished."

However, during a recent linguistic conference attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was the presenter when he was asked to make...

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I just got fired from my job as a mailman because my boss thinks I’m completely incompetent.

Shit. Meant to post this somewhere else.

I can complete a Rubik's Cube without touching it

Perk of being colour blind

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I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was broke and my body was ruined.

But fuck me, what a night.

Why can’t frogs ever complete their bucket lists?

They croak before they even get started.

What do you call an elephant that’s completely made out of ears?

The answer is entirely earelephant.

Just recently, a multi-year project to renovate and restore London's historic landmark Big Ben was completed.

They had men working around the clock.

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I completely hate online porn

Every night I lay down in bed SHAKING MY FIST AT IT!!

Thanks to your donations, we've completely transformed this homeless man...

Into a homeless woman.

I was completely shocked today when my doctor told me I was colour blind..

It came completely out of the green

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A college professor reminds her class of the next day’s final exam saying, “I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever"

A guy sitting at the back asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

Tinder is completely useless, and I don’t have a single match

If I don’t find another way to start a campfire tonight, I’ll freeze to death.

My thesaurus arrived in the mail today, and it was completely blank

I have no words to describe how angry I am!

A journalist was visiting a completely isolated tribe for a documentary...

As she was leaving, she asks her translator to tell their leader that she had a great time, but needed to go now.

the leader seems to be sad, and her translator explains what he said: "he doesn't want you to leave, he really likes your company."

she apologizes, but insists she has to l...

Did you know that Albert Einstein was completely made up?

He’s just a theoretical physicist.

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Guy walks into a bar. The bartender says "We have a challenge where if you complete these 3 steps you win 100 million dollars".

The guy says "oh cool, I'll enter, what are the steps?"

So the bartender describes what the guy must do. "The first step is to down a fifth in under 10 seconds".

*Not that bad* the guy thinks.

"Second," the bartender says, "you have to go into that room in the back. In the room...

A completely new joke about calculus.

Never mind, actually it's just derivative.

My brother told me he only buys shoes which are completely white

I can't believe I'm related to a white shoepremacist

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A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn’t know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself
a complete makeover, She told him,
"I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad and an 80-inch flatscreen television. She said,"I bought th...

When convicted, why couldn't Santa's nephew complete his sentence?

He was a subordinate Clause.

My girlfriend got so kinky it caught me completely off guard

On several separate occasions she dressed as a teacher, a doctor, a police officer, and as a prison guard. But it didn't prepare me for what came yesterday.

Because nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.

I can bring a Lady to complete ecstasy with one hand

To be clear, Lady is my cat's name, and the hand in question operates the electric can opener

What's red and completely invisible?

No tomatoes.

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I need your very best knock-knock Jokes, clean or dirty for a sport my friends and I play. It needs to be able to make a complete stranger laugh.

Edit: I just thoguht of my favorite joke used in-game:
The joke teller, a girl on my team, was put on the phone with a young sounding guy:
Her: Knock knock
Him:Whos there?
Her:(Sexy voice) *Whoever you want it to be baby*
And then he laughed and she hung up. No Q for us!

**Doub...

A family of animal lovers goes out of town for a week and their beloved pets decide to give them a complete home makeover:

The birds: “we’ll do the painting and make the walls the colors of our beautiful feathers!”
The cats: “we’ll do the flooring and make sure every corner is perfect!”
The hamsters: “we’re so tiny, we can get into the wiring and make sure everything is up to date and safe!”
What did the d...

Russian Roulette is completely safe to play!

I interviewed people who played and %100 said that they all survived!

Remember in Monopoly, when some insufferable kids couldn't agree who was banker, they'd refuse to play completely?

Welcome to the shutdown...

A Serb, a Croat and a Bosniak are arrested in Iran for drinking alcohol.

The court sentences them to 10 whip lashes each, but everyone is allowed to make a special request beforehand.

First up is the Serb. "I request a pillow strapped on my back!" he says. After 2 lashes it rips apart and his back gets completely torn open.

Second up is the Croat. "I reques...

What did they say about the artist who completed suicide by jumping off a building?

Well, at least they finally made an impact on the world.

A shipwrecked mariner has spent several years on a deserted island, completely alone.

Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out towards him.

When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him: “The captain said to read through these and let us know if you still...

My New Year Resolution is to be completely serious next year

I'm not joking

Smoking cigarettes isn't completely bad for you,

Just think, for every cigarette you smoke it takes 7 minutes off your student loans.

Using Left hand instead gave me a completely different feeling...

..was able to finish my work faster. Try changing the settings of the mouse.

I have just completed writing a book on reverse psychology.

Please don't buy it.

Guy walks into a bar completely naked...

except for a beat up old sneaker on one foot. He sits down at the bar and says to the bartender “Hey man, can I get a beer?”

The bartender shakes his head in disbelief, pours him a beer, and hands it to him. The bartender says “Sir uh... I can’t help but notice... you seem to have lost a sh...

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I'd been collecting coprolite for years, must have spent thousands, only for some completely useless removal guys to lose the whole collection during my house move.

I wasn't just angry. I completely lost my shit.

An American dropped into a pub in London for a drink and found it completely full of Brits.

An American dropped into a pub in London for a drink and found it completely full of Brits. After a few minutes, he saw a table for two with one middle-aged gentleman sitting at it. He walked over to the table and asked if he could sit down. The Brit replied, "Certainly. Please do."

The Ameri...

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