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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

A police officer pulled over a lawyer who had failed to come to a complete stop at a stop sign.

The lawyer argued his case that the spirit of the law was simply that the maneuver be safe and since he hadn't caused an accident his actions complied with the law.

The officer disagreed and informed the lawyer he would issue him a ticket.

"I will accept that ticket if you can explain ...

My relationship with the time traveling girl was a complete disaster.

It was over even before it began.

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How did Avicii complete an album from beyond the grave?

Ghost producing

My friend failed every exam he ever took and didn't complete his studies. Yet, he's rising to the top.

He's a window cleaner

What is the difference between complete and finish?

When you marry the right woman, you are complete.
When you marry the wrong woman, you are finished.

Today I asked my doctor if she was willing to complete my ear surgery.

I'm excited to hear from her!

How to get a mumble rapper to complete a sentence

Send him to prison

I'm glad the cave rescue is complete....

Now when I google Thai boys I can get back to normal results

Apparently, the repairs to Big Ben are going to take three years to complete.

That's ridiculous, considering they're working around the clock.

What is the complete opposite of generosity?

EA

An old woman visits a lawyer to draw up a will. He completes the process and charges her $100. She hands him a crisp, brand new $100 bill and as she turns to leave the lawyer notices another $100 bill stuck to it. His moral dilemma is causing him great discomfort because...

He can't decide if he should tell his partner.

How many members of a specified demographic does it take to complete a particular task?

A finite quantity. One to complete the specific task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of persons from said demographic.

Why couldn't the redditor complete the alphabet?

He was missing OC

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Zeus is offering a seat in his Pantheon for the first person to complete his trials of strength.

An esteemed hero of all men approaches Olympus and thinks hey, why the hell not. If I lose I may be disappointed, but if I win I will join the legendary Gods of the Pantheon!

So he makes his way to Zeus, excited to see what is in store for him in order to prove his worth to the Gods. Along th...

Our one-year-old throws a complete fit if his breakfast doesn't include toast.

We think he might be lack toast intolerant.

My English teacher told me I had no complete sentences

Then I asked her how she knew I broke out of prison twice

I saw some people building a new bridge near me. Every lunch break they would sit down for afternoon tea complete with tablecloth and napkins.

It was very civil engineering.

What do you have if your Dad’s brother is a complete pig?

An Oinkle.

The Infectious Disease Olympics has been cancelled as the first event was a complete disaster. All contestants drowned!!

Turns out Water Polio wasn't such a good idea.

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My wife came home after a long day in the operating room and told me about a patient she had that required eyelid transplants. With no other options they were forced to use skin from the man’s foreskin to complete the transplant...

Apparently he came out a little cock-eyed

Dave got his wife a French maids costume to get her in the mood but it was a complete waste.

​

The house is still messed up as usual.

Mr. Hoover sold vacuums. He dreamed about vacuums. When on vacation he went to the vacuum museum. He would dump dirt on the floor when he got home just so he could vacuum. One day he decided to try a career in stand-up comedy. Why was he a complete failure as a comedian?

He was mute.

People say maintaining a long term relationship with a girl is the same as having a full time job. I for one think there complete opposites.

After 10 years, my job still sucks.

I’m proud to announce my dream of being a criminal lawyer is halfway complete!

I’m just working on the lawyer part right now.

Why are American Tax forms so annoying to complete?

I guess the IRS isn't INTUIT

How do storms complete tasks?

With GUSTo

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Jack tells his doctor that he can no longer sustain an erection. After a complete examination, the doctor tells Jack, "The problem is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do unless you're willing to try an experimental treatment."

"We would take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."

The thought of going through life without ever having sex again was too much for Jack, so he agreed to try the treatment.

A few weeks after the operation, Jack was given the green light to try...

Spain's national soccer team were in complete disarray

The goalkeeper would always come out and try and play as a striker, the defenders would just run up and down the side lines and the strikers just stood on their own goal line chatting.

Needless to say, they lost every game.

After 5 games the manager was fired and a new one appointed. H...

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I wasn’t allowed in a fraternity in college because I was circumcised.

Apparently you need to be a complete dick.

Difference between complete and finished

No dictionary was ever able to define the difference between complete and finished.
However at a linguistic conference somewhere in London, Michael Sons, a Surinamese, was the clever winner. His final challenge was this:

Some say there is no difference between “Complete” and “Finished”. Pl...

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.
Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How ...

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A man went to a brain store to get a brain to complete a study.

He sees a sign indicating the nationality of each type of brain. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.

"How much does it cost for an Americans brain?"

"Three dollars an ounce."

"How much does it cost for a Japaneese brain?"

"ten dollars an ounc...

Think New Yorkers don't get along? I just saw two complete strangers share a cab...

One took the wheels and tires, the other took the battery and the radio.

A man isn't complete until he gets married..

then he's finished.

A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence...

After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.

The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move, in the hope that he would just go away.

Then, he decided to look through the window and shouted, "Do you think I'm stupid? I can see you in th...

It has been said that a million monkeys hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type complete works of William Shakespeare.....

With the advent of internet, now we know that is not true!

I ran into a complete stranger at my mom's annual New Years party.

I had never seen him before, so I asked him how he knew my mom. He said he had met her earlier in the day. Apparently, my mom was worried that the overall environment of the party wouldn't be as cool as she had hoped for, so she hired a professional to gauge the room.

I was absolutely disgus...

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US doctors perform unprecedented complete penis transplant

He says he feels hole again.

What do you do when you have 10 minutes to complete your math test?

Geometry dash

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My girlfriend said that I'm not a complete dick . . .

Just the foreskin. Sensitive and gets cutoff a lot.

I was just on Trip Advisor and it was a complete waste of time!

There's absolutely *no* information about twisted ankles or skinned knees!

I used to hate tractors, but I did a complete 180

Now I'm protractor.

Shortly after a British Airlines flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and

“OH MY GOD!”

Silence followed..... complete silence...

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front ...

There are two types of people in the world:

Those who complete their sentences.

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A man is deciding between three women, which to be with. He tests them by giving them each $5000 to see what they each do with the money.

The first woman got a complete spa treatment and makeover to make herself look good for the man. The second woman took her $5000 and bought the man gifts, gadgets and trinkets he’d like to make him happy. The third woman invested the money, made a hefty return on it, and paid back the man his $5000....

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NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I...

The orgy I organized was a complete disaster

Nobody came.

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Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."


Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together."


The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request and they go to the golf course. On the first tee the hu...

Washington D.C. was in complete gridlock...

As I stewed in traffic wondering what was causing it, a guy comes up and knocks on my window.
"What's it all about?" I ask.
"You haven't heard? President Trump has been kidnapped. It's all over the news! The ransom note says we either deliver a billion dollars or they are going to cover him w...

The doorbell rang and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete with tool chest, on the front door.

“Lady,” he announced, “I’m the piano tuner.”

The lady exclaimed, “Why, I didn’t send for a piano tuner.”

The man replied, “I know, but our neighbors did.”

I ordered each song by Styx in order from most favorite to least favorite. It took me a full day to complete.

I've got too much time on my hands.

I dug a trench around my desk at work today, complete with running water, but the boss got really angry and made me fill it in…

Can't believe I've been demoated…

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A Nazi walks into a bar

A Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table. Barman, he says, "A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there."

As everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a na...

If I am so dumb then...

How come I can complete a jigsaw puzzle in 6 weeks when the box says 3-6 years.

5 out of six researchers conclude,

Russian roulette is complete safe.

The taxman . . .

At the end of the tax year, The Taxation Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the agent was checking the books, he turned to the executive of the hospital and said, “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar with a Labrador.

He makes his way to the bar and orders a drink.

“I’m sorry, but we don’t allow dogs in here,” says the bartender.

“That’s my seeing-eye dog,” the man replies.

The bartender’s face instantly drops, knowing he made himself out to be a complete asshole.

“Oh God. I’m sorry. H...

Things are not always appear

A WOMAN was flying from Melbourne to Brisbane ...
Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sydney.
The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes..

Everybody got off the plane except ...

An amputee woman was having a drink in a bar...

...when a man comes up and asks about her missing leg.

"Oh, it's really quite an amazing story," she said. "I used to love surfing! I rode waves all day and all night, rain or shine. One morning, after just an hour or so of surfing, a great white shark came and knocked me right off the bo...

A man trying to emigrate to Scandinavia found the process too daunting to complete.

He was never Finnished.

How do you know if a complete stranger is vegan?

They already told you.

A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction.

As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by it’s possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck.

The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.”

The woman, astounded, t...

For sale: The Complete Enlopædiea Brittania

Reason: No longer needed. Wife knows everything

Bad tooth NSFW

[Warning: NSFW content, long story]

A man walks into a new bar his friends told him about and they decided to check out together. He goes up to the bartender to give a description of his friends and ask him if he's seen them, but before he gets the question off he sees his friends on the far ...

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Paleontologists have found a fossil so complete, they were actually able to deduce that the species may have practiced anal sex.

They're calling it Myassisaur.

Lawyer got rekt

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "You didn't come ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Brandon is shopping for a used motorcycle.

He finally finds one for a great price, but it’s missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.


One day, his girlfriend asks him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting fo...

Alien overlords are discussing the fate of Earth citizens.

After a successful invasion of earth, the leaders of the armada joined together to discuss the ruling of the planet. Each of the leaders had a different idea on how what they should do with the surviving humans.

"These humans are dangerous," said the first. "We all know the losses we took to ...

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I need your very best knock-knock Jokes, clean or dirty for a sport my friends and I play. It needs to be able to make a complete stranger laugh.

Edit: I just thoguht of my favorite joke used in-game:
The joke teller, a girl on my team, was put on the phone with a young sounding guy:
Her: Knock knock
Him:Whos there?
Her:(Sexy voice) *Whoever you want it to be baby*
And then he laughed and she hung up. No Q for us!

**Doub...

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So one day my obese friend stopped eating all together and just became a complete unintelligible bitch with evil powers.

We had to call an anorexorcist...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was at the bar one night and having a drink with lady that was in a wheelchair due to a car wreck that left her without her legs. Which didn’t bother me at all, she was stunning. She was a tiny little thing and very beautiful, we hit it off pretty quick. So we decided to go back to her place.

We got to her place and I got the wheel chair for her and lifted her little body out of the car and rolled her inside the house. Once inside we had a few more drinks and things started to heat up between the two of us. I took off her little shirt and her little bottoms she was wearing and she tells ...

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Three couples are trying to get married at a local church.

One was an elderly couple, another was a middle-aged couple, and the third a young couple. So the priest calls each of these couples in and presents them with a challenge.

“In order to get married at my church,” he says “you have to go an entire month without having sex.”

So they leave...

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TIL It takes men an average of 33 hours to complete a digestion cycle and women 47 hours.

Guess women are the ones full of shit.

One professor of mathematics noticed that his kitchen sink at his home broke down.

He called a plumber. The plumber came on the next day, sealed a few screws and everything was working as before.

The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked.

"This is one third of my monthly salary !" he yelled.

Well, a...

A man in the bar offers to bet anyone $100 that his dog can talk.

At first everyone is dubious, but after the man clarifies he means complete grammatically correct sentences, and they make sure there are no hidden devices on the dog, several bets are made.

The man: Well, Charley?

Charley lifts his paw.

The man: Charley, come on, say something...

What food, when consumed by a female, causes a complete loss of desire?

Wedding cake.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bono, the lead singer of U2 is known for being self-righteous ...

... He is also an A-list rock and roll celebrity.

​

At a recent concert in Glasgow Scotland, he asked the audience for complete and utter silence.

​

Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds. Holding the audienc...

A Buddhist was struggling to complete his jigsaw puzzle

He just needed to find his inner piece.

Did you hear about the assassin who was given forty years to complete his assignment?

He had some time to kill.

A woman goes to the doctor and is asked to remove her bra and panties.

Woman: Why do I need to do that?

Doctor: The file says your future employer wants me to perform a complete physical exam on you.

Woman: Well, can I have a female nurse in here too, then?

Doctor: What for? They're all kind of busy right now.

Woman: Just so that I'm more co...

I was so happy it only took me seven days to complete this puzzle!

The box said it would take 2-4 years.