An old woman visits a lawyer to draw up a will. He completes the process and charges her $100. She hands him a crisp, brand new $100 bill and as she turns to leave the lawyer notices another $100 bill stuck to it. His moral dilemma is causing him great discomfort because...

He can't decide if he should tell his partner.

What is the difference between complete and finish?

When you marry the right woman, you are complete.
When you marry the wrong woman, you are finished.

Today I asked my doctor if she was willing to complete my ear surgery.

I'm excited to hear from her!

What is the complete opposite of generosity?

EA

How many members of a specified demographic does it take to complete a particular task?

A finite quantity. One to complete the specific task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of persons from said demographic.

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes int...

I'm glad the cave rescue is complete....

Now when I google Thai boys I can get back to normal results

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My wife came home after a long day in the operating room and told me about a patient she had that required eyelid transplants. With no other options they were forced to use skin from the man’s foreskin to complete the transplant...

Apparently he came out a little cock-eyed

Why couldn't the redditor complete the alphabet?

He was missing OC

Our one-year-old throws a complete fit if his breakfast doesn't include toast.

We think he might be lack toast intolerant.

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Zeus is offering a seat in his Pantheon for the first person to complete his trials of strength.

An esteemed hero of all men approaches Olympus and thinks hey, why the hell not. If I lose I may be disappointed, but if I win I will join the legendary Gods of the Pantheon!

So he makes his way to Zeus, excited to see what is in store for him in order to prove his worth to the Gods. Along th...

How to get a mumble rapper to complete a sentence

Send him to prison

Apparently, the repairs to Big Ben are going to take three years to complete.

That's ridiculous, considering they're working around the clock.

What do you have if your Dad’s brother is a complete pig?

An Oinkle.

The Infectious Disease Olympics has been cancelled as the first event was a complete disaster. All contestants drowned!!

Turns out Water Polio wasn't such a good idea.

Dave got his wife a French maids costume to get her in the mood but it was a complete waste.

​

The house is still messed up as usual.

Mr. Hoover sold vacuums. He dreamed about vacuums. When on vacation he went to the vacuum museum. He would dump dirt on the floor when he got home just so he could vacuum. One day he decided to try a career in stand-up comedy. Why was he a complete failure as a comedian?

He was mute.

Spain's national soccer team were in complete disarray

The goalkeeper would always come out and try and play as a striker, the defenders would just run up and down the side lines and the strikers just stood on their own goal line chatting.

Needless to say, they lost every game.

After 5 games the manager was fired and a new one appointed. H...

People say maintaining a long term relationship with a girl is the same as having a full time job. I for one think there complete opposites.

After 10 years, my job still sucks.

Why are American Tax forms so annoying to complete?

I guess the IRS isn't INTUIT

I saw some people building a new bridge near me. Every lunch break they would sit down for afternoon tea complete with tablecloth and napkins.

It was very civil engineering.

I’m proud to announce my dream of being a criminal lawyer is halfway complete!

I’m just working on the lawyer part right now.

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Jack tells his doctor that he can no longer sustain an erection. After a complete examination, the doctor tells Jack, "The problem is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do unless you're willing to try an experimental treatment."

"We would take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."

The thought of going through life without ever having sex again was too much for Jack, so he agreed to try the treatment.

A few weeks after the operation, Jack was given the green light to try...

Difference between complete and finished

No dictionary was ever able to define the difference between complete and finished.
However at a linguistic conference somewhere in London, Michael Sons, a Surinamese, was the clever winner. His final challenge was this:

Some say there is no difference between “Complete” and “Finished”. Pl...

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.
Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How ...

My friend said, “You have a B.A., Master’s, and a Ph.D., but you still act like an complete idiot.”

It was a third degree burn.

A man isn't complete until he gets married..

then he's finished.

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A man went to a brain store to get a brain to complete a study.

He sees a sign indicating the nationality of each type of brain. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.

"How much does it cost for an Americans brain?"

"Three dollars an ounce."

"How much does it cost for a Japaneese brain?"

"ten dollars an ounc...

It has been said that a million monkeys hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type complete works of William Shakespeare.....

With the advent of internet, now we know that is not true!

Think New Yorkers don't get along? I just saw two complete strangers share a cab...

One took the wheels and tires, the other took the battery and the radio.

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Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."


Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together."


The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request and they go to the golf course. On the first tee the hu...

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US doctors perform unprecedented complete penis transplant

He says he feels hole again.

I ran into a complete stranger at my mom's annual New Years party.

I had never seen him before, so I asked him how he knew my mom. He said he had met her earlier in the day. Apparently, my mom was worried that the overall environment of the party wouldn't be as cool as she had hoped for, so she hired a professional to gauge the room.

I was absolutely disgus...

What do you do when you have 10 minutes to complete your math test?

Geometry dash

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NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I...

I was just on Trip Advisor and it was a complete waste of time!

There's absolutely *no* information about twisted ankles or skinned knees!

A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence...

After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.

The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move, in the hope that he would just go away.

Then, he decided to look through the window and shouted, "Do you think I'm stupid? I can see you in th...

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My girlfriend said that I'm not a complete dick . . .

Just the foreskin. Sensitive and gets cutoff a lot.

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A Nazi walks into a bar...

A Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table.
Barman, he says, "A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there."

As everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a...

I used to hate tractors, but I did a complete 180

Now I'm protractor.

There are two types of people in the world:

Those who complete their sentences.

The orgy I organized was a complete disaster

Nobody came.

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A man walks into a bar with a Labrador.

He makes his way to the bar and orders a drink.

“I’m sorry, but we don’t allow dogs in here,” says the bartender.

“That’s my seeing-eye dog,” the man replies.

The bartender’s face instantly drops, knowing he made himself out to be a complete asshole.

“Oh God. I’m sorry. H...

Washington D.C. was in complete gridlock...

As I stewed in traffic wondering what was causing it, a guy comes up and knocks on my window.
"What's it all about?" I ask.
"You haven't heard? President Trump has been kidnapped. It's all over the news! The ransom note says we either deliver a billion dollars or they are going to cover him w...

[Pun] There once was an artist who was a complete scumbag...

He was known for his poortraits

The doorbell rang and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete with tool chest, on the front door.

“Lady,” he announced, “I’m the piano tuner.”

The lady exclaimed, “Why, I didn’t send for a piano tuner.”

The man replied, “I know, but our neighbors did.”

I ordered each song by Styx in order from most favorite to least favorite. It took me a full day to complete.

I've got too much time on my hands.

I dug a trench around my desk at work today, complete with running water, but the boss got really angry and made me fill it in…

Can't believe I've been demoated…

A man in the bar offers to bet anyone $100 that his dog can talk.

At first everyone is dubious, but after the man clarifies he means complete grammatically correct sentences, and they make sure there are no hidden devices on the dog, several bets are made.

The man: Well, Charley?

Charley lifts his paw.

The man: Charley, come on, say something...

How do you know if a complete stranger is vegan?

They already told you.

5 out of six researchers conclude,

Russian roulette is complete safe.

The taxman . . .

At the end of the tax year, The Taxation Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the agent was checking the books, he turned to the executive of the hospital and said, “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little...

A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction.

As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by it’s possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck.

The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.”

The woman, astounded, t...

A man trying to emigrate to Scandinavia found the process too daunting to complete.

He was never Finnished.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Challenge [NSFW]

A man walks into a bar, reaching the counter a sign hangs above the bar stating, “Complete The Challenge and Win Free Alcohol for Life!” Intrigued by this the man asks the bartender what exactly is the challenge. “Well first off you have to drink a gallon of apple cider vinegar, second we keep a gat...

For sale: The Complete Enlopædiea Brittania

Reason: No longer needed. Wife knows everything

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Paleontologists have found a fossil so complete, they were actually able to deduce that the species may have practiced anal sex.

They're calling it Myassisaur.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A college teacher reminds her class of the next day’s final exam.

“Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!”

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and ask...

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.

On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The old lady thinks, “I bet...

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A man walks into a bar and sees a big jar full of money on the counter

He asks the bartender about it, and he replies, "Oh, it's for this ongoing... I guess you'd call it a contest."

Intrigued, the man asks how it works.

"Well, you put $100 in and then you'll win the whole jar if you complete three tasks."

The jar is quite large and full to the b...

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller...

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller called Sarah who hoped to learn the proper skills of divination by training alongside a renowned fortune teller, Madame Lointain (for, in these times, it was customary for each village to have a fortune teller).


After having studied for...

A nurse met with an accident

... and was brought to the hospital. Her injuries are not severe, but the surgeon opts for general anesthesia anyway. Just as he was about to complete the minor surgery, the patient wakes up, in shock, and would like to know what is going on.


“I’m just about to close the nasty gash,” the ...

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Three men are stranded on a desert island. (Long) (NSFW)

Three men wash up on a desert island. They don’t know each other and don’t know where they are. Soon, they get very hungry. They go into the island to see if they can find any food. They happen to stumble upon an enormous cache of perfectly ripe fruits. They eat to their heart’s delight, and when th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I need your very best knock-knock Jokes, clean or dirty for a sport my friends and I play. It needs to be able to make a complete stranger laugh.

Edit: I just thoguht of my favorite joke used in-game:
The joke teller, a girl on my team, was put on the phone with a young sounding guy:
Her: Knock knock
Him:Whos there?
Her:(Sexy voice) *Whoever you want it to be baby*
And then he laughed and she hung up. No Q for us!

**Doub...

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3 men are wandering the desert and find a magic lamp

One of them picks it up and gives it a rub and a genie pops out.

"Thank you for freeing me, as a sign of gratitude I shall grant each of you 3 wishes."

The first man quickly speaks "I wish I had a million dollars!" the genie nods and the man gets his phone, checks his bank account and ...

What food, when consumed by a female, causes a complete loss of desire?

Wedding cake.

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates…

The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens o...

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Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft...

...The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex. After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. T...

For sale by owner

For sale by owner :

A complete set of Encyclopedia Brittanica, 45 volumes. Pristine condition.

Got married last month, wife knows everything. No longer need them.

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A head rolls into a bar

It orders a drink from the oldest bottle in the bar, the bartender points to an old bottle and shows it to the guy the man says “yes” the bartender proceeds to open the bottle and out of the bottle comes a genie who tells the head it has 3 wishes.

The head says “I wish I had my whole body” <...

An Architect, a Doctor and a Lawyer are boasting about how smart their dogs are.

They finally agree that each will demonstrate their dog's prowess.

The architect calls his dog, puts some clay on the table and says, "Build
me a model of the Eiffel Towel." The dog does so and the architect throws
him a biscuit.

The doctor calls his dog and as he does he sees t...

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One fine day, the three billy goats...

One fine day, the three billy goats gruff went out for a walk. They took their usual path over the sweet grassy hills towards the river where they would cross the stone bridge and climb the mountain.

When they reached the bridge they were surprised to see the Troll waiting for them, stand...

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Husband and wife accidentally discover a genie

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see ...

After 40 years as a gynecologist,

John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love—car mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in a car mechanics class and studied hard. The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. ...

Did you hear about the assassin who was given forty years to complete his assignment?

He had some time to kill.

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So one day my obese friend stopped eating all together and just became a complete unintelligible bitch with evil powers.

We had to call an anorexorcist...

A Buddhist was struggling to complete his jigsaw puzzle

He just needed to find his inner piece.

I was so happy it only took me seven days to complete this puzzle!

The box said it would take 2-4 years.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An artist is commissioned to paint a mural in the newly built city hall.

The city council has decided the mural must be an important scene from American history. The artist accepts the deal with one condition.

No one can see the piece before it is completed.

Begrudgingly, the town council accepts, a contract is signed, and the artist begins work behind a m...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Timmy was being raised by his single mother

When one day she sat him down and explains to him that she’s given this a lot of thought and takes it very seriously but she identifies as a man and intends to start living as such. Timmy understands.

It was a long transitioning process of altering his appearance, changing his name, undergoi...

What do you call it when a comedian falls back on childish humor simply to avoid complete failure?

Pun-ting