UPJOKE
finishcloselastconclusionbreakterminusterminateceasedeathstopconcludeendgameculminateendingtermination

Ended Jokes

A couple of counterfeiters made a mistake one time and ended up with a batch of $15 bills

One of them says "We gotta get rid of these things. We'll go to Florida. I know a little town there. They're so dumb they won't know a thing."

So off they go. Soon they arrive at a gas station and buy some gas. The guy at the counter looks a little simpleminded.

"Hey can you break a 1...

Ate some weird mushrooms last night and somehow ended up in a Mazda car sales yard tripping like crazy....

Shroom Shroom.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Katy Perry and Queen Elizabeth ended up at heaven's Gates on the same day.

They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”

The angel asked Katy if there was some particular reason why she should go ...

On the way to the hospital my ambulance had to go through a traffic circle, and it ended up saving my life

In a roundabout way

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!

Man, that sentence was way too long!

Last night, I was knocked out by a stoner and ended up in hospital...

When I came to, I asked what happened and the doctors said I had blunt force trauma.

Someone called me and sneezed and then ended the call

I’m tired of all these cold calls!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The navy trains dolphins

An elderly man rear ends a guy driving an expensive sports car.

Enraged, the guy hops out of his car and confronts the old man. “Look what you did to my car” he yells. “you’re gonna give me $10,000 right now or I’m gonna beat you to a pulp!”

“Oh my” says the old man, I don't have that ...

Did you hear about the pen thief that ended up getting stabbed to death with a pen he had just stolen?

Payback’s a Bic.

The search for escaped psychic Chris Tolbol has ended tragically today.

He was discovered after being hit by a train.

Eyewitnesses state that he didn't see it coming.

The war in Afghanistan ended after 20 years, who won?

Raytheon, General Dynamics, Northrop Grumman, Boeing and Lockheed Martin

Did you hear about the man who went out for some exercise and ended up robbing a Chinese restaurant?

Police say he told his wife he was just going to take a wok.

Mom and Dad go away on vacation

Mom called her son every day to see how everything is going at home.

Her son explains "Hi Mom, mostly fine here - but the cat died on Monday."

Mom was distraught: "How can you break news like this to me so nonchalantly!? Are you a psychopath??"

The son replies "I'm sorry Mom, I ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

8 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. I reposted it 4 years ago. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

Just ended a 5 year relashionship

Don't worry guys it was not my relationship

A young boy went to church with his mother

Midway through the service, the boy loudly said "Mama, I have to pee!"

After taking him to the bathroom, his mother said "It's rude to say 'pee' in public like this. Next time in church, just say you have to 'whisper.'"

The next week, the boy went to church with his father instead. A...

The feud between the two clothing stores down the street finally came to an end.



It ended in a tie.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men are granted 3 wishes

3 men stumble upon a lamp and they rub it, and out comes a genie. The genie says

"I will grant each of you 3 wishes."

The first man thinks long and hard, and then says

"I want to have a million dollars"

The genie snaps his fingers and poof, the man now has a million dol...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was back-ended by a white convertible who was participating in a drag race

Man was she fast! Even though he had her best heels on, he ran right past me. I couldn’t even tell when she was coming up my rear.

The asteroid event that ended dinosaurs

was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone

I'm a physicist.

It’s 3 AM. A woman paces angrily in her house waiting for her physicist husband to come home. Finally he does. As he walks through the door she glares and demands “where have you been!?” Sheepishly, the physicist husband tries to explain himself. He says, “well my colleagues and I went out just for ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Got lucky last night

I was at a bar last night and met a very attractive lady. We hit it off and ended back at my place. We were getting hot and heavy, ripping each other's clothes off when she looked down in shock, pointed at my penis, and said, "who are you going to please with that tiny little thing?"

I resp...

Why are white prison gangs the scariest?

Because they had a fair trial and still ended up in prison

Santa and his wife had a messy divorce after they both got colostomies.

After encouragement from friends and family, they both joined the support group for people with colostomies ironically named The Semicolon. Due to the help and support they got, they ended up remarrying.

Two independent Clauses were able to be joined as a result of The Semicolon.

Jared from Subway ended his career the same way he began it

Trying to get into smaller pants

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl smoked some weed and tried to give me a blowjob. She just ended up sucking my chest.

She was too high

So Barack Obama and Donald Trump somehow ended up at the same barber shop...

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald wa...

My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her.

Instead I just swam for the surface.

I binged avatar: the last air ended last summer.

Some episodes gave me real Aang-xiety!

I went to a mug making workshop today, but it was pretty tough and ended up with a bowl..

I just couldn't handle it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend.

He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".

I tried to breed a Golden Retriever with a Rottweiler.

I ended up with a litter of rotten retrievers.

My friend and I bumped into Arnold Schwarzenegger. As fans we asked a lot of questions and ended up asking if he's going to upgrade to Windows 11...

He said, "I still love Vista, baby!"

What would you do if the world ended tomorrow?

I'd move to Bosnia because the country is 10 years behind everyone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I Went To Japan On A Holiday

and I had a very close online Japanese friend I met on a Guitar Hero forum, and we arranged to meet up.

I thought he was a guy, but then this really cute girl with short, brown hair shows up, easily a 9/10. She's called Nao and even though it's the first time we had met in real life, we get a...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.