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Ended Jokes

Jared from Subway ended his career the same way he began it

Trying to get into smaller pants

A couple of counterfeiters made a mistake one time and ended up with a batch of $15 bills

One of them says "We gotta get rid of these things. We'll go to Florida. I know a little town there. They're so dumb they won't know a thing."

So off they go. Soon they arrive at a gas station and buy some gas. The guy at the counter looks a little simpleminded.

"Hey can you break a 1...

So Barack Obama and Donald Trump somehow ended up at the same barber shop...

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald wa...

My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her.

Instead I just swam for the surface.

The war in Afghanistan ended after 20 years, who won?

Raytheon, General Dynamics, Northrop Grumman, Boeing and Lockheed Martin

My ex-wife compulsively counted things, and I ended up divorcing her

I wonder what she’s up to these days

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!

Man, that sentence was way too long!

Three men died and ended up in Hell...

They were greeted by a fallen angel who told them, "You can stay here happily for all of eternity... as long as you don't step on a frog." The men all agreed to not step on any frogs and they went on their way.

The first man only lasted a couple of hours before he ended up stepping on a frog....

A young boy was kissed by a girl he really liked, but after only a few seconds, the boy abruptly ended his first kiss.

"I'm so sorry, but I can't continue!" he said.

"Why not," the girl asked, "didn't you like it?"

"No, that's not it," the boy replied. "It's my mom. She said that if I kiss a girl before I'm sixteen, I'll turn into a statue. And I could feel it starting already."

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Katy Perry and Queen Elizabeth ended up at heaven's Gates on the same day.

They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”

The angel asked Katy if there was some particular reason why she should go ...

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for a 61-year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a bit and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double....

Just ended a 5 year relashionship

Don't worry guys it was not my relationship

Just Bought the new Dodge Hornet EV and ended up with two cars

Dealer said I also needed a Dodge Charger

I ended things with my communist girlfriend.

Too many red flags.

Today I ended a long term relationship.

I don't really care though, it wasn't mine.

A man accidentally rear-ended a car

The driver whom was rear-ended steps out of the car and, to the mans surprise, was a dwarf. He walks to the man and says "I am NOT happy."

The man responds: "Then which one are you?"

I was rear-ended on the way to work today...

I couldn't sit down for hours

The asteroid event that ended dinosaurs

was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone

I just ended a 5 years long relationship

I'm fine, it wasn't my relationship.

Someone called me and sneezed and then ended the call

I’m tired of all these cold calls!

Why hasn't the world ended

Because it's round

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A girl smoked some weed and tried to give me a blowjob. She just ended up sucking my chest.

She was too high

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A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with “tor” that eat other things.

The first little boy said, "Alligator."
"Very good James, that's a big word." The second boy said, "Predator." “Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done." Little Johnny says, "Vibrator." After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says,"That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat a...

I ended up in a party full of World Health Organisation medics.

Apparently I'd gone to the wrong Doctor WHO convention.

The last time my wife and I had a fight it ended up with her literally crawling to me on her hands and knees.

She said "Get out from under that bed and fight like a man!"

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Ended up at the ER on date night with one of those notorious Viagra related injuries

Everything was going great, so I popped a viagra. I got this intense erection so We got naked and went chasing each other around the house.

Well, as I was chasing her to the hot tub, I ran smack into the glass door and broke my nose.

I binged avatar: the last air ended last summer.

Some episodes gave me real Aang-xiety!

I watched a soccer game that ended in a 1-1 draw...

No 1-1

What would you do if the world ended tomorrow?

I'd move to Bosnia because the country is 10 years behind everyone.

It’s been 15 years since the show ended, but people are still making “Friends” references.

No one told me life was gonna be this way.

My friend and I bumped into Arnold Schwarzenegger. As fans we asked a lot of questions and ended up asking if he's going to upgrade to Windows 11...

He said, "I still love Vista, baby!"

Ate some weird mushrooms last night and somehow ended up in a Mazda car sales yard tripping like crazy....

Shroom Shroom.

I ended up in jail the other night and the guys across from me had glued themselves together...

It was very confusing.

How do you know when school has ended?

When the back-to-school sales start appearing.

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I was back-ended by a white convertible who was participating in a drag race

Man was she fast! Even though he had her best heels on, he ran right past me. I couldn’t even tell when she was coming up my rear.

I rear-ended a car this morning...

The other driver got out of his car and was a dwarf. He looked up at me and said, "I'M NOT HAPPY!"



"Well which one are you then?" I asked.



That's how the fight started.

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This guy got into a bad accident and ended up losing an arm, his eye and his penis.

He wakes up a few weeks later and is greeted by a strange looking doctor. The doctor explains what happened and tells him he performed an experimental surgery to insure some quality of life following the accident.

The doctor goes on to explain that he gave him a gorilla arm, that was the clos...

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Joe was heading towards the end of a round of golf...

...when hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden, POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She yelled, “I...

Why are white prison gangs the scariest?

Because they had a fair trial and still ended up in prison

I made this 3.14 minutes before the day ended

Too bad it wasn't my pi day

After a long and serious operation, Edna ended up in a coma.

Try as they might, the doctors just couldn't bring her out of it. When her husband Ralph came into the intensive care unit to see her, the doctors gave him the bad news, "We just can't wake her. It doesn't look good, I'm afraid."

The doctor told Ralph in a quiet somber voice. Ralph looked at...

Now that September has ended

Did anyone remember to wake up Green Day?

My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day...

Not really relaxing, as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out, "60 Watts - Made in China."

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