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All Over Jokes

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Wayne Gretzky is going down on his wife, she cums all over his face and says messy eh?

He looks up at her and says loudly no it’s me Wayne.

what's black, white, and red all over?

Rihanna's halftime show.

LPT Request: My 2 year old son drew in permanent marker all over the walls

So I took a shower earlier today and left my 2 year old son in the living room with the TV on thinking he would be ok. I come out 20 minutes later and he covered the entire living room in green permanent marker that he somehow got a hold of. As you can imagine, I flipped out and immediately ran to...

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Moving his hand all over her

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite sometime.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.

He then caressed her s...

What is black and white and red all over?

At this point, the shorter list would be "what *isn't* black and white and red all over".

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The Italian man says, “Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end.”

The Frenchman boasts, “Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes.”



The old Jewish man says, “Well, last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz, we ma...

What’s black, white, and red all over?

Some people say it’s a news paper, I say it’s Spider-Man.

A drill sergeant ran his platoon of recruits all over the camp in the hot sun with heavy packs on.

As they stood there, exhausted, he put his face up to one of the recruit's face and said, "I'll bet you're wishing I would die so you could come and urinate on my grave, aren't you?"

And the recruit says, "No, sir! When I get out of the army I'm never gonna stand in another line again!"

My wife has been putting glue all over my rifle collection..

She's denying it, but I'm sticking to my guns.

I saw a guy today with soot all over his face carrying a large pick axe and wearing a royal blue hardhat that matched his overalls.

But these are just miner details.

Man 1: I heard you had an accident at the pottery studio yesterday. Did you spill glaze all over a woman?

Man 2: Glazed her? Damn near kilned her.

An Australian is driving all over Texas, fast and reckless.

He's streaking down highways, taking curves too fast and just generally being a danger to himself and everyone else on the road.

Finally, a state trooper catches up to him and gets him to pull over. "Drivin' a little crazy there, friend," says the trooper. "You come here to die?"

The A...

I found stir fry all over my bed this morning

I must have been sleep **wok**ing again

A redhead goes in to see her doctor complaining that she hurt all over...

"Well can you tell me where you hurt?"the doctor asks.
She points to her elbow and says,"Right here.Ouch"
The doctor replies,"Anywhere else?"
She points to her knee and says, "Right here.Ouucchh!"
The doctor again asks,"Anywhere else?"
"Yeah right here in the back of my neck. Ooouuucc...

Who's black and white and red all over?

A victim of an industrial accident at a newspaper printing plant.

I woke up with an allergic reaction spreading all over my body.

Instinctively I thought to go straight to the doctor, but then I realized quickly that one should never make rash decisions!

Did you hear.. corduroy pillows are making it all over the news lately?

(Really?)

Yeah. They're making lots of headlines

What is black and white and red all over

2 nuns in a chainsaw fight

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

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A car in central London was weaving all over the road one night.

A patrol car spotted him and pulled him over. The officer approached the car and said, “Sir, get out of the car, I need you to blow into this breathalyser.”

The driver reached into his pocket and produced a doctor’s note. It read: “This man suffers from chronic asthma. Do not make him perform...

My wife demanded to know why our rubbish was scattered all over the road.

I wanted to keep it a secret, but I ended up spilling the bins.

Record low temperatures causing snow and freezing all over the southern United States.

Finally: white people in Texas are having problems with ICE.

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What's black and white and read all over?

Aw crap, I don't think this joke works in text...

A Scrabble game got dumped all over the interstate highway.

That's the word on the street at least.

A cop pulls over a car swerving all over the road

After the cop tells the driver why he stopped him and asks for his license and registration, he notices an open, half-empty bottle sitting on the floor.

Cop: “Sir, what is that bottle between your feet?”

Driver (burping): “Uh, it’s a bottle of water officer.”

Cop: “I can see...

I asked my wife " Why are there broken condoms all over the sofa again?"

She replied "Please call our children by their proper names"...

What do you call a dog that gets frosting all over its fur?

A pupcake.

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What do you call Neil deGrasse Tyson with no shirt on pouring champagne all over himself?

An astrofizzytits

Guy visits doctor with pain all over body.

Man: "Doctor! my whole body aches, everywhere I touch hurts."

Doctor: Sir your finger is broke

Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over...

“Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.” “I can’t”, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.”

“Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” “Can’t do that either,” Jim responds, “I ...

I thought I spilled coffee all over my keyboard.

My keyboard still works fine except one key. The spill was under control.

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Hurts all over

Patient: “Doc, it hurts when I touch my knee, it hurts when I touch my cheek, it hurts when I touch my ear ..” doctor examines him, then says: "You’ve got sprained finger, you fucking moron.”

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Just sneezed all over my toast

I can’t believe it snot butter.

Mummy, what are those scratch marks all over your body?

Santa claws, darling.

I came home and found my books all over the floor

There's nobody to blame but my shelf.

I spilled coffee all over my Macbook...

...now it won't go to sleep.

What's black and white and red all over?

* Classic answer: A newspaper.
* Children's answer: A zebra with a suntan.
* Holiday answer: Santa at the bottom of the chimney.
* Religious answer: An priest realizing that he really is wearing a dress.
* Appalling answer: An interracial couple in an automobile accident.

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I was on the way to a meeting when a cart full of horse manure tipped all over me. I didn’t let it stop me though,

I was under turd!

Why did the blonde get lipstick all over the steering wheel?

They were trying to blow the horn.

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Two guys are in a bar. One had too much to drink and pukes all over himself.

“Oh no!”, the man says, “my wife’s gonna kill me if she knows I got this drunk!”

His friend tells him “don’t worry it’ll be fine - just put ten dollars in your shirt pocket and tell her someone else did it and paid for it to get cleaned.”

“Brilliant!”, says the man and he goes home. ...

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I tried to brighten my neighborhood by planting dildos all over the boundary wall.

My neighbour is totally furious , but his wife is still on the fence .

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People all over the planet have started ejaculating mysteriously.

What is this world coming to?

My waiter just spilled coffee all over me.

I know it was just an accident, but I'm still bitter.

A man goes to the hospital with horrible burns all over his feet

The doctors ask "how did this happen"? He replies "The instructions on the can said "before opening, stand in boiling water for five minutes."

"Honey, do you remember this morning when I ran all over the place because I was so happy I found my keys again?"

"Erm yeah, was hard to miss, why?"
"... any idea where I could have put them afterwards?"

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I jizzed all over my phone display today

Call that a screenshot.

What does the drunk professor say when he realizes he just urinated all over his books ?

Epist-em-ology

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A man goes to a bar and gets so drunk he pukes all over himself...

... He starts panicking because he was worried his wife was going to leave him for this.

Another person at the bar told him to say someone puked all over him, and put $20 in your shirt and tell him he gave you that to cover the cleaning. The man thinks it's a good idea and decides to give it ...

I smeared ketchup all over my eyes once...

It was a bad idea, in Heinz-sight.

People all over the world are freaking out when they find snakes in their car.

Here in Australia its pretty common, we just call them windscreen vipers.

I have a story for you. A guy pours cement all over a plot of land...

and then the plot thickens.

I spilled a condiment all over my legs today.

Now I got mayo knees.

What's red and black and screaming all over?

Stevie Wonder when he answers the iron.

He's all over the place

Heard about that social media influenza who went viral? He's sick.

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A drunk walks into a bar, orders a shot and and immediately pukes all over his own shirt.

"Wha' my gonna do now? My wifez gonna kill me."

"Relax," the bartender says, "give me a five-dollar bill." The bartender folds up the bill and puts it in the guy's shirt pocket. "Tell your wife some drunk puked on you and gave you five bucks to have your shirt cleaned."

"Thass a great ...

A blonde visits her doctor for pain all over

The doctor asks her to explain what is happening. The blonde responds with, “It hurts everywhere I poke myself!” The blonde proceeds to poke herself on her arm, “ouch!” Her leg, “ouch!” She proceeds to poke herself everywhere followed by a loudly proclaimed, “ouch.”

The doctor grabs her wris...

What is big, black, and frequently walked all over?

Asphalt.

I tried to open a bag of Lays but it exploded all over me.

I've had a chip on my shoulder ever since.

I asked my 7 year old, "Why do you have chocolate all over your face?"

He said, "Saving it for leftovers."

That boy cracks me up.

Did you hear about the guy whose been stealing iPhones all over town?

He is going to Face Time soon.

The night Lady Dianna died she was all over the radio...

And the dash and the windshield..

A truck overturned this morning spilling cabbage all over the highway.

It was horrific! I slaw it happen!

Someone colored all over the southeast part of my world map

That was just downright rude!

It was close to our anniversary and my wife was leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house. So I took the hint and did what any astute husband would do.

I got her a magazine rack.

Books all over the floor.....

but I have only my shelf to blame.

Why did the ghost barf all over his date?

He couldn't handle his boos.

The other day I saw a little rainbow and it was dancing all over the place so I asked the rainbow why it was dancing...

The rainbow replied: "Cuz I just got outta prism"

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My friend spilled ice all over the floor

at first i was pissed off but now it's just water under the fridge

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A Man at a Bar Throws Up All Over Himself

A man was at a bar, drinking beer after beer until he was sick and involuntarily threw up on himself. Disgruntled, he went to the bartender for help.

"Man, my wife is gonna kill me if she finds out I got so drunk that I threw up on my shirt. Is there anything you can do to help me?"

"I...

Just like kids all over the world, I sometimes played “doctor” with other inquisitive children

As an American, I’m still paying the bills.

Man, some dude just poured a gallon of milk all over me

How dairy!

I’ll totally let people walk all over me...

It’ll be fun to watch them trip over my rolls

A truck carrying fruits accidentally spilled them all over the expressway

It caused a traffic jam

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Cop: Sir, your car was swerving all over the road.

Me: Sorry, officer, I’ve had ten pints and feel very pissed.



Cop: That’s no excuse to let your wife drive!

A man walks into a psychologists office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap all over his body.

The psychologist says, “well, I can clearly see your nuts.”

I just shot my protein all over my desk, pants, floor and my sheets nearby even though my hand was covering the tip.

Note to self, don't mix whey protein with sparkling water, it will explode.

A husband is divorcing his wife coz she poured glue all over his firearms...

He says "She denies it, but I am sticking to my guns"

Seeing as how Mount St Helen's been all over social media...

I vote we change her name to Mount St Karen..as a warning for future generations

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Last night, I came all over my wife's tits.

She was furious this morning when she looked at the birdcage.

I went to Vietnam and someone on the street peed all over me

I still get splashbacks

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What do you call it when a guy cums all over a girls face?

Genetic makeup

A blonde woman goes to the doctor because her body is aching all over...

She sits down and shows the doctor all the places it hurts. She presses down on her shoulder and it gives her pain. She presses down on her knee and it brings her pain. Finally she presses down on her stomach and says “ouch!” The doctor has seen enough and decides to take a fully body x-ray. The doc...

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