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When I was in Japan I was asked by a woman on the train, "What's black and white and red all over?"

"Wow" I replied. "You speak English?"

She replied, "Just a riddle".

People all over the world are freaking out when they find snakes in their car.

Here in Australia its pretty common, we just call them windscreen vipers.

I grabbed a pack of Oreos out of the cabinet, but I had such a hard time getting them open that the pack suddenly ripped down the side and spilled them all over the floor.

Now they’re just Flooreos.

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This morning i sneezed all over my toast while eating it...

I can't believe it snot butter...

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There was this lady in a retirement home. In her day she was very attractive and had men falling all over her. One day she felt particularly randy, and decided to get a man...

She stripped down naked, did her make up and hair and walked around the retirement home.

She saw 2 old guys sitting on a bench, and walked by repeating Super Sex, Super Sex, Super Sex.

After she left the one old guy said to the other, "I'd rather have the Soup"

A cop pulls over a car swerving all over the road

After the cop tells the driver why he stopped him and asks for his license and registration, he notices an open, half-empty bottle sitting on the floor.

Cop: “Sir, what is that bottle between your feet?”

Driver (burping): “Uh, it’s a bottle of water officer.”

Cop: “I can see...

Record low temperatures causing snow and freezing all over the southern United States.

Finally: white people in Texas are having problems with ICE.

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4 Men at a bar discuss the most difficult sport to play. The first man, wide as a dishwasher and having huge muscles all over, says

“I’m a football player, it’s the hardest sport in the world to play! You’ve gotta be in top physical condition and have excellent situational awareness.”

The second man, an older gentleman wearing a collared shirt, says “Sorry champ, but the actual hardest sport to play is golf. Every swing o...

I saw someone spill their Scrabble letters all over the road the other day

I asked him, “Hey man, what’s the word on the street?”

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Back in the late 1800's when bananas first started gaining popularity in the United States, banana groves weren't the safest of places. There were monkeys pooping all over, porcupines, venomous spiders and snakes in the groves. This caused problems not just for the pickers, but for consumers as well

Anyway Americans started demanding that their bananas be inspected before being imported, so the banana companies started placing stickers on bunches of bananas to indicate they were safe to eat. Of course the banana companies were still cutting corners. The groves still had monkeys, porcupines, sna...

What’s black and white and red all over?

A Dalmatian in a blender.

My son puked all over the bar on his 18th yesterday

But then again, 18 shots of tequila are pretty much for a 7 year old.

I thought I spilled coffee all over my keyboard.

My keyboard still works fine except one key. The spill was under control.

Just like kids all over the world, I sometimes played “doctor” with other inquisitive children

As an American, I’m still paying the bills.

What do you do if you spill maple syrup all over your keyboard?

Just turn off sticky keys

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole...

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

Why did blonde had lipstick all over the steering wheel ?

Because she was trying to blow the horn

Went I got home yesterday I found my wife on the kitchen floor with her best girlfriend lying on top of her, both naked, with flat pasta and tomato sauce all over them.

"what is this?"I asked

"What does it look like?"

"It looks like a lez on ya!"

If I had a hammer, I'd hammer in the morning, I'd hammer in the evening, All over this land.

I'm not allowed a hammer.

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I jizzed all over my phone display today

Call that a screenshot.

A drill sergeant ran his platoon of recruits all over the camp in the hot sun with heavy packs on.

As they stood there, exhausted, he put his face up to one of the recruit's face and said, "I'll bet you're wishing I would die so you could come and urinate on my grave, aren't you?"

And the recruit says, "No, sir! When I get out of the army I'm never gonna stand in another line again!"

I'm worried that my grandma is starting to lolse her marbles. Yesterday when I went to visit she'd been marking herself all over with her bingo pen.

She's completely dotty.

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A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. He drinks the beer, then stands on the bar, drops his pants and pisses all over the place. The bar tender freaks out. "You dirty disgusting pig! How dare you come into my bar and urinate! I'll beat the shit out of you..."

The man begins crying. "I'm sorry! Its ruining my life. I can't sleep. I do it every time I have a drink! It's worrying me to death, please don't hit me..." The bar tender takes pity. "Look, I have a brother who is a psychiatrist, here's his card, why don't you see him?" The man hugs the bartender, ...

Someone bumped into me at greggs and knocked my pies and sausage rolls all over the floor

Just goes to show you shouldn't put all your greggs in one basket

“After this is all over”

was a fun thing to say back in April

What's black and white and red all over?

* Classic answer: A newspaper.
* Children's answer: A zebra with a suntan.
* Holiday answer: Santa at the bottom of the chimney.
* Religious answer: An priest realizing that he really is wearing a dress.
* Appalling answer: An interracial couple in an automobile accident.

The night Lady Dianna died she was all over the radio...

And the dash and the windshield..

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Two guys are in a bar. One had too much to drink and pukes all over himself.

“Oh no!”, the man says, “my wife’s gonna kill me if she knows I got this drunk!”

His friend tells him “don’t worry it’ll be fine - just put ten dollars in your shirt pocket and tell her someone else did it and paid for it to get cleaned.”

“Brilliant!”, says the man and he goes home. ...

In New York there are many tattoo artists from all over the world, but for some reason the artists from Spain have trouble getting business.

Why? Because nobody expects the Spanish ink precision!

Many of my friends worry about little piles of rocks they have stashed all over the planet, but not me...

...I don't have a cairn in the world.

a man is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over

“Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a  breathalyzer test.”

“I can’t”, the man quicly responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.”

“Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” “

Can’t do that ...

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A police officer pulls over a car he spots swerving all over the road, and asks the driver to step out of the vehicle. A clearly inebriated man reeking of beer stumbles out of the car...

The officer tells the man that he pulled him over because of his erratic driving and strongly suspects that he is under the influence of alcohol.

"No way, offisher. I just came from work and I am \*hic\* good-to-go," the man slurs and stumbles a little.

"Well just to be safe, would you...

Some guy has been stealing Iphones all over town, I hope they catch him.

He is going to face time soon.

Someone colored all over the southeast part of my world map

That was just downright rude!

A truck overturned this morning spilling cabbage all over the highway.

It was horrific! I slaw it happen!

I spilled a condiment all over my legs today.

Now I got mayo knees.

A husband is divorcing his wife coz she poured glue all over his firearms...

He says "She denies it, but I am sticking to my guns"

My waiter just spilled coffee all over me.

I know it was just an accident, but I'm still bitter.

I came home and found my books all over the floor

There's nobody to blame but my shelf.

A blonde visits her doctor for pain all over

The doctor asks her to explain what is happening. The blonde responds with, “It hurts everywhere I poke myself!” The blonde proceeds to poke herself on her arm, “ouch!” Her leg, “ouch!” She proceeds to poke herself everywhere followed by a loudly proclaimed, “ouch.”

The doctor grabs her wris...

LPT Request: My 2 year old son drew in permanent marker all over the walls

So I took a shower earlier today and left my 2 year old son in the living room with the TV on thinking he would be ok. I come out 20 minutes later and he covered the entire living room in green permanent marker that he somehow got a hold of. As you can imagine, I flipped out and immediately ran to...

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Hurts all over

Patient: “Doc, it hurts when I touch my knee, it hurts when I touch my cheek, it hurts when I touch my ear ..” doctor examines him, then says: "You’ve got sprained finger, you fucking moron.”

I smeared ketchup all over my eyes once...

It was a bad idea, in Heinz-sight.

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What's black and white and read all over?

Aw crap, I don't think this joke works in text...

We were having so much bad luck on our cul-de-sac that the HOA thought we had been cursed. They brought in a witch doctor and druid to scribe protective symbols and runes all over the road...

...well, that's the ward on the street anyway.

My grandma was known all over town for her delicious strawberries. She made me promise that when she died I would plant strawberries over her grave so that everyone could visit her and enjoy them. I fulfilled her wish.

She’s dead and berried.

About a month before he died, my grandfather asked us to spray WD-40 all over his back.

After that, he went downhill fast.

What is big, black, and frequently walked all over?

Asphalt.

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Day 12 of quarantine: I traversed the microwave and accidentally spilled ice all over the kitchen floor. Girlfriend was pissed

but it’s all water under the fridge now


Credit u/kelly240361

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What do you call a bunch of countries uncontrollably shitting all over the earth?

An incontinents problem.

I could tell you about how I rubbed grease all over the ladder that leads up into my roof space.

You might say it's an anti-climb attic story.

I tried to open a bag of Lays but it exploded all over me.

I've had a chip on my shoulder ever since.

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Police are suspicious of a man who shits diarrhea all over the town

But they have no solid evidence.

A blonde woman goes to the doctor because her body is aching all over...

She sits down and shows the doctor all the places it hurts. She presses down on her shoulder and it gives her pain. She presses down on her knee and it brings her pain. Finally she presses down on her stomach and says “ouch!” The doctor has seen enough and decides to take a fully body x-ray. The doc...

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At work we were all out of toilet paper. A co-worker suggested I use a dollar.I ended up with shit all over my hand and half way up my arm...

Well, you try wiping with three quarters two dimes and a nickel

A truck carrying fruits accidentally spilled them all over the expressway

It caused a traffic jam

What do you call it when someone spreads germs all over your pizza?

Little Sneezers

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What do you call it when a guy cums all over a girls face?

Genetic makeup

I went to Vietnam and someone on the street peed all over me

I still get splashbacks

Why do moms all over the world hate the best player in soccer?

Cause he is messi.

Dad checking out.

I saw a guy today with soot all over his face carrying a large pick axe and wearing a royal blue hardhat that matched his overalls.

But these are just miner details.

Why did the New Yorker spray pam all over their body every night before bed?

To wake up oily

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People all over the planet have started ejaculating mysteriously.

What is this world coming to?

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I tried to brighten my neighborhood by planting dildos all over the boundary wall.

My neighbour is totally furious , but his wife is still on the fence .

I ate a Portuguese tart today, and got mess all over my face

Still, she enjoyed it, and said 'Obrigado' afterwards

This little fella at work is so bad, his work all over the place, and he’s always concerned with “digging it!”

It’s because he’s “A biz mole”

On Saint Patrick's Day, an Irishman who had a little to much to drink was driving home from the city and his car was weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulled him over. "So," said the cop to the driver, "Where have you been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few i...

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A Man at a Bar Throws Up All Over Himself

A man was at a bar, drinking beer after beer until he was sick and involuntarily threw up on himself. Disgruntled, he went to the bartender for help.

"Man, my wife is gonna kill me if she finds out I got so drunk that I threw up on my shirt. Is there anything you can do to help me?"

"I...

Someone keeps dumping soil all over my garden bed, and I don't know who's doing it

The plot thickens...

A man walks into a psychologists office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap all over his body.

The psychologist says, “well, I can clearly see your nuts.”

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A drunk walks into a bar, orders a shot and and immediately pukes all over his own shirt.

"Wha' my gonna do now? My wifez gonna kill me."

"Relax," the bartender says, "give me a five-dollar bill." The bartender folds up the bill and puts it in the guy's shirt pocket. "Tell your wife some drunk puked on you and gave you five bucks to have your shirt cleaned."

"Thass a great ...

A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his paperwork.

The poor man dyed a loan.

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When my mate was recently sent to jail he took it really badly....refused food, swore at everyone and smeared shit all over the walls.

I’m never playing Monopoly with him again.

A Scrabble game got dumped all over the interstate highway.

That's the word on the street at least.

Antivax mothers all over think that their children are safe because of believing in Jesus.

And like Jesus, their children could die because of a rusty nail.

I’ll totally let people walk all over me...

It’ll be fun to watch them trip over my rolls

Mother Theresa did a lot of different things all over the world but consequently.....

She was a master of nun.

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I visited my sick grandfather the other day to rub butter all over his back...

... after that he went down hill really quickly

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A man gets drunk at a bar and vomits all over the front of his shirt

He looks up, eyes bleary and bloodshot and says “my wife is gonna kill me, she told me not to drink so much”

The bartender says, “do you have a twenty dollar bill?”

The guy responds, “yeah, but how’s that gonna help me?”

Bartender says “take the twenty, fold it up, put it in you...

Newsflash! Tanker truck carrying brine has crashed and spilled its contents all over the highway.

Motorists are reported to be in a pickle.

Man, some dude just poured a gallon of milk all over me

How dairy!

I have a story for you. A guy pours cement all over a plot of land...

and then the plot thickens.

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Jim was out drinking at the bar, when all of a sudden he pukes all over his shirt. "Dammit!" Jim yells "My wife is going to kill me when she finds out I was drinking and puked all over my self!"

"I have an idea" the man sitting next to him said "Here." and hands Jim a $50 bill.

"What's this for?" Jim asked.

"When you get home tonight, just tell your wife I threw up on you as you passed me on the street and I gave you the money for cleaning.".

"Great idea" Jim replies...

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Little Billy is standing in the barn with his grandpa. There are rabbits in the barn and their droppings are all over the floor.

The boy says, "What are all these pellets on the ground, grandpa?"

Grandpa says, "They're smart pills, Billy. Eat them and you'll get smarter."

Little Billy liked the sound of that so he grabbed a handful off the ground and shoved them in his mouth. He immediately spit them out and s...

I went to the barbers and asked for a number 2 all over.

I've washed my hair 6 times since and still can't get the smell out.

He's all over the place

Heard about that social media influenza who went viral? He's sick.

I woke up this morning to find my books scattered all over the floor.

I’ve only my shelf to blame.

For the past month I have woken up to find hundreds of flowers with no heads all over my doorstep,garden and drive.

I think I'm being stalked.

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I went to this cool new restaurant in Vegas, the server woman came out nude with the menu painted all over her body.

She asked if I was ready to order, I said “ I know what I want, but I just can’t put my finger on it.”

Stop writing hateful things about Alabama and the abortion laws all over social media.

They likely can't read, we will need to tell them in person.

I see the black hole all over Reddit today...

It’s the only one without a NSFW tag.

I have a friend who once sneezed while snorting coke, and sprayed it all over his goatee.

He immediately went and shaved the goatee off.

When he came back, I asked him why he'd shaved it.

**"Because you dont get high off your own 'stache"**

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Bought a can of fly spray from the supermarket today. Sprayed it all over myself.

I still can't fucking fly.

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What's black and white, red all over, and can't turn around in a hallway?

A nun with a spear through her

(Told this to a nun in highschool during class. She threw a blackboard eraser at me but laughed)

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A man is drinking at a bar when his buddy pukes all over his shirt.

“My wife is going to kill me,” he says. “She told me not to get so drunk that you throw-up on yourself again.” “Not to worry, mate” his buddy says as he puts $20 in his shirt pocket. “Tell your wife I did it and gave you $20 for the cleaning.” When the man gets home, his wife meets him at the door...

I've seen 'End Road Work' signs all over the place since I was a kid...

I don't think the protest is working.

There’s that moment when you put your steak on the grill and your mouth waters all over from that amazing smell...

Do you vegans feel the same when you mow the grass?

Princess Diana was all over the radio the night she died,

And on the dashboard, the seats and the steering wheel...

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My friend spilled ice all over the floor

at first i was pissed off but now it's just water under the fridge

What’s red, red, and red all over

Scientifically, every color except red.

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Last night, I came all over my wife's tits.

She was furious this morning when she looked at the birdcage.

I ground up the stems of some plants to spray all over the lisp convention next week.

They're gonna be pithed.

I was bored, so I spent all day re-arranging my spice rack, only for one of the herb jars to exploded all over me...

I've got way too much thyme on my hands

A woman walked into her doctor’s examination room complaining of pain all over her body.

The doctor walked in, and asked, “What seems to be the trouble?”

“Well, doctor,” said the woman, “when I touch my leg here, it hurts, when I touch my arm over here it hurts, when I touch my breast it hurts, everything hurts! I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

The doctor thought for a ...

A scientist told me my climate change denial was wrong, citing the horrific brush fires we see wiping out swathes of vegetation all over the world.

I told him they were just plants.

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Cop: Sir, your car was swerving all over the road.

Me: Sorry, officer, I’ve had ten pints and feel very pissed.



Cop: That’s no excuse to let your wife drive!

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Sometimes Jackson Pollock would make paintings by ejaculating all over the canvas.

Whaddaya know, the cock could doodle too.

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