If you’re gathering with family & friends today, there’s an opportunity for recreating an historically accurate tradition.

The trading of disease ridden blankets.

A Chinese doctor cant find a job in a hospital in America, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, yo...

My girlfriend told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities.

That's great because I have a serious drinking opportunity.

Starbucks is missing out on a huge business opportunity by NOT selling masks that you can drink through.

They could call them coughy filters.

Pureflix is known as the Christian Netflix. They missed a big opportunity by not calling themselves...

**...Cruciflix**

At the start of the pandemic, it was a good opportunity to tell wether I was an introvert or an extrovert.

Turns out, I’m just a pervert.

Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."

Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"

Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."

A man has the opportunity to win a million dollars if he can cross lake Superior in a 16 foot sailboat...

The people sponsoring the challenge give the man two choices of what he can bring on the boat to assist him. He can either bring a large box of novels or two criminals. However, the people running the competition get to choose what the books are and who the criminals are.

The man realizes the...

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The rabbi was an avid golfer and played at every opportunity.

Context:
Yom Kippur is the holiest Jewish holiday during which you’re supposed to deprivate yourself from food, drinking and anything that brings you joy and during which you’re also supposed to pray the whole day.

Joke:
The rabbi was an avid golfer and played at every opportunity. He ...

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Six Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

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A Birthday Gift For My Dad

This conversation has to have come up before with these devices. I generally don't have much wit, but my Dad pitched me such a lob, I couldn't resist to nail him with the "obvious."

I called my Dad to ask him if he might like a set of Tile Stickers. These are cool little devices you can stick...

Whoever coined the phrase "dad-bod" missed a golden opportunity...

Should've called it "the Father-figure"

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There was a young couple very much in love...

There was a young couple very much in love. On the night before they were to be married, both were killed in an accident. They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by St. Peter.
After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St. Peter aside and said, "S...

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A college professor started to notice that one of his students, John, started gaining lots of female attention.

So, one day he asks John about his secret. John replies, "Well, before sex I whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer."

Later that day, the professor gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome opportuni...

You do the Math

A lawyer writes a letter to his wife Janie...

My Dear Janie,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not...

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A man on an airplane notices this very attractive blonde sitting next to him... (Long)

As the flight begins she removes a book from her bag and starts to read. The man immediately notices the title; "Confessions of a Nymphomaniac" and he's instantly transfixed.

After a few moments, she pauses her reading to take a drink and the man seizes his opportunity... "so" he says, "I ju...

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I've never seen this here, and it's long and gross.

There's a farmer, who is having a hard time getting his cows to mate. Specifically, the bull doesn't seem like he can ever get into the mood. He's tried everything he can think of, but this bull just won't do it.

So he gives up on his own wisdom, and consults a cow expert. He approaches the e...

How i made 200k from home during lockdown

So just thought I'd share with you guys my success story, I was made redundant back in March. So there I was 30 years old and not a clue what was going to happen, then out of nowhere I had an opportunity to sell Avon, so there I was 30 years old, male, selling Avon... first month goes by and I make ...

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There is a fly.... (medium)

Hovering near the surface of a mountain lake. Over on the shore sits a frog. The frog says “If the fly drops four inches, I can eat him.”

Just below the surface of the lake is a fish. The fish sees the frog and says “If the fly drops for inches, the frog can get the fly, and I can get the fro...

Should I ever encounter a black widow with the opportunity to seduce and betray her, my final words to her would be

“For all the men that came before me”

With the quarantine and all the bars closed, I got some opportunity to talk to my wife.

She actually seems like a nice person.

Amid reports of insider trading by senators during the pandemic, a leaked memo reveals that the vice president had the opportunity as well, but refused to profit even as he contracted the virus himself

Sick Pence none the richer

A guy and his wife made a list of people they are allowed to sleep with if they ever get the opportunity..

She picks Brad Pitt, Chris Hemsworth, David Beckham, Channing Tatum and Bradley Cooper.

He picks her sister, her cousin, her best friend, their next door neighbor and there son's third grade teacher.

Men are simple like that.

Son asked from dad. “Dad, what does Window of Opportunity mean”

Dad looked at the clock and said “Perfect timing! Quick, go and look out from that window. Wait a couple of minutes and then you will understand what a window of opportunity means." Son went to the window and then returned and said, “I saw Miss Jennifer going to sun bathe. I saw her walking naked in...

NASA was preparing for the Apollo project.

When NASA was preparing, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What are these guys in the ...

If I got $100 for every time I messed up a great opportunity with a question...

I would be asking who is giving me the money.

Now that I’m an dad, I’ve been learning dad jokes. But I Can never find the opportunity to use them.

Guess I gotta look father

Not sure if this belongs here, but please read!!!!

Back on January 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Tro...

Trump's doctor says he is no longer a 'transmission risk'

Now he is a 'transmission opportunity'.

From a 30 year old memory of a joke someone's grandfather told.

Brad's first year away at university was a lot of partying and paying for his friend's. He quickly runs out of money. His father would not be pleased with his wastefulness, so Brad sends him a message stating he has a professor that can teach his father's dog how to read and write for a bargain pric...

Scruffy! Get out of there!

A young man nervously went to his girlfriend’s house for dinner and to meet her family. As they were sitting eating, his nerves were getting the better of him and he felt a tremendous build up of gas. Unfortunately, since he was the focus of attention, he just couldn’t find a break in the conversati...

The Clintons at President Reagan’s funeral

I don’t know if any of you watched the memorial service for Ronald Reagan, but if you did, you might’ve noticed Bill and Hillary were both dozing off.

Reagan, who never missed the opportunity for a good one-liner, raised his head out of the casket and said “I see the Clintons are finally slee...

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A Laotian businessman opened a small store in London.

He was very quiet and diligent with his bookkeeping. He always made sure to help out his employees when he could, typically hiring other Laotians in the area who were struggling to find work.

Among these employees was a group of three friends from Surrey. Although they were a bit rowdy and so...

I was at the supermarket, looked three freezers down and saw the most beautiful busty blonde picking out Asian dinners. I took a quick glance at her hand and saw no wedding ring! Well, as you can imagine, I promptly did what any virile, red-blooded man would do with this opportunity...

I got really nervous, said absolutely nothing, and strictly avoided eye-contact at all costs...

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Before I was born, God gave me an opportunity to choose...

...whether I want to possess exceptionally good memory or extremely large penis. Strangely, I can't remember what I replied to him.

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A unemployed guy once thought to start the clinic

The clinic rules were:
1) The price of the treatment is 300$
2) If I am unable to treat you, I payback 1000$

A doctor, passing by through the clinic read the rules and thought it was a great opportunity to make money. He went in and said the guy: "I can't feel the taste".
...

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The bet

Once there was a really beautiful queen in a kingdom. One day two of the ministers in her council, James and Daniel made a bet. The winner would be the one who can suck the queen's breast.


James had an elaborate plan, it went something like this:


First he bought a snake and t...

I've always found lobotomists to be some of the most curious, engaged conversationalists

They jump at any opportunity to pick your brain.

Toronto missed out on an opportunity to call their basketball team the torontosaurus rexes

Boo me, I deserve it

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What else could he say??

A young couple decided to take their 5 year old son to see the circus. After several amazing acts, the ringmaster led six bull elephants into the center ring, linked trunk to tail in the usual manner.

"What's that big thing hanging off the elephant, Mommy?" Little Johnny asked.

"That...

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My friend who used to live in russia became a father today. His son had a mutation of a sort that made him have 3 balls instead of 2.

I immediately saw the opportunity and replied to him "chernoballs" .......he hates me now
Jason im sorry if u read this

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a boy was asked to think of three good quotes at school

he went home and asked his mother, she said “a fool and his money are soon parted”

he asked his father, he said “ask and you shall receive”

he asked his grandfather, who served the military, he said, “where the battle rages, there the loyalty of the soldier is proved”

he went ba...

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In a world where everyone wears their title, a shit-head decided he’d had enough.

He wanted to be more than what he was, but nobody would hire a shit-head.

One day he was in the building of a large corporation, and saw his opportunity. “If I remove the shit from my title, people will think I’m in charge.” He got to work pulling the letters off, one at a time, until they we...

What do you call that friend who will always seize the opportunity to run a Dungeons & Dragons game for your group?

A Carpe D.M

A golden opportunity

Just happend today
My teacher told our class that half of you are sleeping, half of you are talking and half of you are texting.

I wanted to say "ma'am you made a good choice choosing humanities maths wasn't your field."

But damn i missed the teacher had a stroke.
Damn that gold...

We should have sent the Opportunity rover to Iraq

since its original mission was supposed to be 3 months but then it kept going for 14 years for no good reason

Why is society fighting to eliminate the word 'black'?

It's cheaper than equal opportunity.

Murphy and O'Neill were looking at jobs listings at the Labour Office in Dublin

Murphy saw an advert from Park Services looking for tree planters.

He turns to O'Neill and says "This sounds like a great opportunity. Too bad there's only two of us."

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What’s the difference between a boner and a bonus?

Your wife will never refuse an opportunity to blow your bonus.

So I’m driving and I see a goat with his head stuck in a fence and I think to myself “well when an opportunity presents itself...”

So I pull over and I’m with my friend and I get behind the goat and start giving it to him and I look at my friend and ask if he wants to get in on this.

He says “hell yeah!”

Then sticks his head into the fence.


My dad said this joke and thought it was hilarious had to sh...

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A prison guard gives Bill Cosby and opportunity...

After several brutal years in prison, Bill Cosby is approached by a prison guard who presents him with what seems like a great opportunity.

"Bill," he says, "you've demonstrated good behavior in here for the past couple years despite all the harassment from the other inmates. I know it must n...

Actresses and actors who lose an Oscar all get the opportunity to act together.

Happy for the person who won.

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A fat man goes to a unique Health Centre that advertises weight loss and sex.

Intrigued by the ad, he goes in and asks the receptionist what this is all about.
She replies 'Well sir, it's exactly as we said, we have several formula and you can lose weight and have sex'
'Oh my' he says 'Let me try the first option then'
'Fair enough, that will be the door on your l...

I’ve always hoped for the opportunity to save my ex from a fiery car crash.

I don’t know if I would take that opportunity, but I would certainly like the chance to.

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A plane crashed in the Pacific Ocean and only three people survived.

Eventually, with the tide, they luckily got carried to shore on a deserted island. These three people, two men and a woman, were smart enough to gather everything they could to set up camp.

After three months of surviving and a long discussion with the other man, the first one went to the gi...

What's the difference between Opportunity and am anti-vaxx child?

One actually survives after it's been told it has 90 days to live.

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Joe was an observant young man. NSFW

He observed a calf sucking on its mother's nipple.
He further observed that the nipple was shaped much like a penis.
When he had the opportunity to do so he stuck his penis in front of a hungry calf's mouth.
He then observed the calf suck his penis in the same manner that it sucked its moth...

r/jokes Rich Lawyer on a plane next to philanthropist

Rich lawyer is sitting in first class next to the head of a major charity organization.

Head of said charity takes the opportunity to introduce himself and the cause, but lawyer isn’t interested in giving. No surprise. He’s notoriously rich and not very friendly.

Finally, charity dire...

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The kindness of the elderly . . .

When we get older, we think differently, don't we? This letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly.  An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind . ...

Mars Opportunity rover was meant to last 90 days, but the fact that it lasted around 15 years shows that ..

Oppy was OP

Kurt Cobain was an example of using opportunity.

He got his big shot, and didn’t miss.

Of course our company is an equal opportunity employer

We always make sure to have equal numbers of X and Y chromosomes

Last night on the episode of "Criminal Minds" my wife was watching, the cops arrested a clown.

As a Dad of long standing, I'm happy to have seized the opportunity to yell "Don't try anything funny!"

I feel like the world really missed an opportunity by calling people that study the sky astronomers

They should’ve called them skyentists.

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A man was taking a train to the city from a rural town, when he saw the most beautiful blonde he'd ever laid his eyes on

Upon close inspection, it seemed that the woman was a country bumpkin; and that he overheard her say to an attendant that it was her first time riding a train, and going to a big city.


Because his lust was too strong, he was determined to take advantage of her and waited for an opportunit...

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A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.

“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again...

Joke my grandad told me :)

Two men, a Irishman and an Englishman where talking when they learnt that at the moment there was a massive demand for crocodile skin shoes, wanting to take ahold of this opportunity the Irishman and the Englishman bought two guns and set sail to Africa, when they arrived they went they’re separate...

Oh, boy! Horsie ride!

Little Johnny is passing his parents’ bedroom in the middle of the night in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in the act. Before dad can even react, little Johnny exclaims, “Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?”
<...

Always be well informed in your job or you might miss a great opportunity!

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her habit to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthfully sli...

My favourite joke: Now Hiring

A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store. The poster reads:

"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."



The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and deci...

Job Opportunity for Flat Earthers

Because of the recent Arctic cold snap. Delta Airlines has been hiring de-icers in their Atlanta hub for the expected crowds at SuperBowl. Most of the jobs have been going to Flat Earthers, because by definition, they don't believe in *Global* Warming but are fine with Plane Warming.

JOB OPPORTUNITY: Riot police officers needed. Interviews are being held tomorrow. Come early....

....beat the crowd.

My band and I had our first significant gig tonight, but afterwards I realized that it would have been way cooler with a fog machine...

It was a huge mist opportunity.

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An elderly woman passes, leaving her life-long husband a lonely widower.

As time goes on, his life begins to unravel as he spirals into a pit of despair. This does not go unnoticed by his adult children, who grasp at any opportunity to cheer him up. Finally, one of them convinces him to grudgingly attend an evening game at the local bingo hall, knowing that he'll be in t...

If you're looking for a seasonal employment opportunity this winter

You could always submit a resume for the chief of staff position at the white house. It's not likely to last more than a few months.

Don't call it a problem. Instead call it an opportunity.

"I have an drinking opportunity" sounds much more positive, doesn't it?

Three Irish fellows would meet at a bar every day after work for a pint of Guinness and a shot of Jameson.

Same time everyday at the same bar. This went on for years and as time went on the bond between these three men grew into something like a brotherhood.

Then one day as they were having their after work drinks, two of the fellows seemed really down. That's when one of the friends announced th...

The masochist realized he had let an opportunity to inflict some pain on himself slip by.

It was a missed ache.

I was excited to judge my first cooking competition

The local university was holding an iron chef style cooking competition where three students prepared a meal centering around a theme ingredient. The theme of the competition was turkey dinner, and before I knew it the kitchen was abuzz with the sounds and the smells of cooking.

After an hour...

A turtle walks into a bar...

A turtle walks into a bar. He sits down and gets ready to order. The bartender goes, "You're looking a little GREEN there friend, need some Ginger Ale?" Everyone started laughing. The turtle confused replied with, "No thanks, I'll just take some whiskey." The bartender gets him his drink and says, "...

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat.

The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear.
She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor.
She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.
When they get to the doctor's, the man...

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A man wakes up at 7 am

He finds out he has 7 dollars left on his bus pass. He takes bus 777 to work. At work, his boss moves him to office 7. His wife packed 7 apple slices for him. When he exits the building, he finds 7 dollars on the ground. "The gods must be trying to tell me something," he thinks. As he walks to the b...

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A man had a bad case of stuttering. He went to many doctors over the years, but none of them could help him. Finally one doctor said to him "I believe I found the reason for your stuttering".

The man asked, "Waah.. waaah.. waah.. what is my pro... proo... problem?"

The doctor replied, "Your penis is very, very large. The weight of your penis is causing a strain on your larynx, and this results in your stuttering. The only solution to this is to perform a penis transplant."
...

Dear illiterate people of reddit, why did you not take the opportunity to learn to read and write?

Can't wait to read all your answers.

A mathmatician walked into a bar, and there was Euler himself, eating from an empty plate.

"The hell are you doing" he asked him, confused.

"I'm eating my pie, what does it look like". Euler replied.

The mathematician knew Euler was a weird guy, but he wasn't going to pass on the opportunity to talk to one of his heroes, so he walked up to the stool beside him.

"Do yo...

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A Japanese transfer student named Kiyosuke wanted to lose his virginity before graduation

He transferred as a senior student, and high school graduation was near.

Because of his Asian physique, all the girls from school don't find him particularly attractive. Two months ago, one of his classmates, Sarah, found out that he is very fond of anime; so she spread malicious rumors about...

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A man walks into a bar and sits down He asks the barkeep "If I can show you something you have never seen before, can I drink here for free tonight?"

The barkeep thinks about it and says "well I have seen a lot of stuff, if you can genuinely show me something I have not seen before, I will pick up your tab tonight".

So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a minature piano and sets it on the bar, then he reaches into his other pock...

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My cousin is a super hairy dude,

We used to nickname him Cousin "It" affectionately.

I remember chatting to him in our freshmen year trying to figure out what our dreams and aspirations were. Cousin It was a weird dude, he didn't really fit in most circles! He was always super quiet and didn't stand out much.
He was hell...

Thought of this earlier

About an hour after the news years party we were congregated into groups talking and one guy in our little circle goes “I haven’t showered since last year!” It was too funny not to share with other people.

So when I got the opportunity I walked over to a group of people and said “I haven’t s...

My mom never missed an opportunity to remind me every birthday...

...that I was inside of her.

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

“Ringling Brothers is coming to town this week,” she said. “The poster says they have a dancing bear. I always wanted to see one of those.”

“Maybe next year,” says the man. “Work’s really busy this week.”

The next night at dinner, the man can barely sit down before his wife starts talk...

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