Opportunity Jokes - 89 Hilarious Opportunity Jokes

Opportunity only knocks once,

but temptation leans on the doorbell.

Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."

Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"

Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."

Whoever coined the phrase “dad bod” missed a golden opportunity...

Should've called it "the Father-figure"

A man has the opportunity to win a million dollars if he can cross lake Superior in a 16 foot sailboat...

The people sponsoring the challenge give the man two choices of what he can bring on the boat to assist him. He can either bring a large box of novels or two criminals. However, the people running the competition get to choose what the books are and who the criminals are.

The man realizes the...

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Golden opportunity.

When I got home my wife had 2 gorgeous friends with her. She said, we were just talking about having a foursome if you're up for it... She smiled and winked. 5 minutes later I appeared naked with my dick in my hand..

They all had golf clubs in theirs.

My boss refers to “problems” as “opportunities”

So now I have a drinking opportunity!

What is the best way to capitalize on an opportunity?

ON AN OPPORTUNITY.

JOB OPPORTUNITY: Riot police officers needed. Interviews are being held tomorrow. Come early....

....beat the crowd.

What did the man do when he had the opportunity to win a free hot dog?

He relished it.

A computer scientist was once offered the opportunity to feed a shark.

He turned it down, because he did not want to RISC losing his ARM.

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
She does, an...

A Missed GPS Opportunity

I think Tag Team really missed out on a pivotal GPS tie-in. Instead of “You have reached your destination” we could have had “Whoomp. There it is!”

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Three rottweilers at the vet

So Three Rottweilers are at the vet in the waiting room, to be seen. They are looking at each other with curiosity.

One finally talks to one of them and asks, what are you doing here?

The other explains to him, that he was lying quietly in the sun in the front garden when the postman ...

Whoever came up with the name “testes” missed a great opportunity

Considering that women have ovaries, they definitely should have been called underies

Click here for a potential once in a lifetime opportunity!

Thank you for entering the Russian roulette tournament.

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A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn’t possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked, "Bubba, just what the hell is your secret?"

Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I’m about to have sex, I always whip it
out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw
'em forever!"

The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife
in the shower. Seeing a window of oppor...

I recently had the opportunity to eat baby wookie

The taste was great, but the meat was a little chewy

Hopefully everyone delivering quads today sees their opportunity...

"May the 4th be with you"

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The boss started to notice that one of his employees, Dave, started gaining lots of female attention..

So, one day he asks Dave about his secret.

Dave replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".

Later that day, the boss gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome...

A golden opportunity

Just happend today
My teacher told our class that half of you are sleeping, half of you are talking and half of you are texting.

I wanted to say "ma'am you made a good choice choosing humanities maths wasn't your field."

But damn i missed the teacher had a stroke.
Damn that gold...

King Pharaoh: I have a great business opportunity for you...

Israelites: Umm, is this not a pyramid scheme?

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Job opportunity

A young man goes into the Job Center in Jacksonville, Florida, and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist’s Assistant.
Interested, he goes to learn more – “Can you give me some more details?” he asks the clerk.
The clerk pulls up the file and says, “The job entails getting the ladies ready...

My favourite joke: Now Hiring

A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store. The poster reads:

"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."

The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and deci...

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A prison guard gives Bill Cosby and opportunity...

After several brutal years in prison, Bill Cosby is approached by a prison guard who presents him with what seems like a great opportunity.

"Bill," he says, "you've demonstrated good behavior in here for the past couple years despite all the harassment from the other inmates. I know it must n...

Knock! Knock! who's there? Opportunity

.... Opportunity doesn't knock twice

My wife told me, There's no such things as problems, just opportunities. "

That's great, I thought. Well, I have a serious drinking opportunity !!

Investment Opportunity: You might want to consider getting on board early...

A British Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan. He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing very well. He says prophets are going through the roof.

A guy and his wife made a list of people they are allowed to sleep with if they ever get the opportunity..

She picks Brad Pitt, Chris Hemsworth, David Beckham, Channing Tatum and Bradley Cooper.

He picks her sister, her cousin, her best friend, their next door neighbor and there son's third grade teacher.

Men are simple like that.

A man and his wife are travelling through the United States, when they notice a sign telling them that the town they are entering is called Kissimee.

They quickly start arguing about the correct way to pronounce it. "KISS-a-me," says the husband. "That's wrong," says the wife, "The right way to say it is kis-A-me." "Not necessarily," says the husband, "It could also be kis-a-ME."

Their argument continues as they enter town, and decide t...

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I once got the opportunity to choose between a big dick and a better memory

Of course i chose better memory, why would I need another son?

Son asked from dad. “Dad, what does Window of Opportunity mean”

Dad looked at the clock and said “Perfect timing! Quick, go and look out from that window. Wait a couple of minutes and then you will understand what a window of opportunity means." Son went to the window and then returned and said, “I saw Miss Jennifer going to sun bathe. I saw her walking naked in...

Job Opportunity for Flat Earthers

Because of the recent Arctic cold snap. Delta Airlines has been hiring de-icers in their Atlanta hub for the expected crowds at SuperBowl. Most of the jobs have been going to Flat Earthers, because by definition, they don't believe in *Global* Warming but are fine with Plane Warming.

We should have sent the Opportunity rover to Iraq

since its original mission was supposed to be 3 months but then it kept going for 14 years for no good reason

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A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice...

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.

“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again...

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The rabbi was an avid golfer and played at every opportunity.

Context:
Yom Kippur is the holiest Jewish holiday during which you’re supposed to deprivate yourself from food, drinking and anything that brings you joy and during which you’re also supposed to pray the whole day.

Joke:
The rabbi was an avid golfer and played at every opportunity. He ...

Pureflix is known as the Christian Netflix. They missed a big opportunity by not calling themselves...

**...Cruciflix**

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Before I was born, God gave me an opportunity to choose...

...whether I want to possess exceptionally good memory or extremely large penis. Strangely, I can't remember what I replied to him.

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A vegan is at the entrance of a university campus trying to get others to become vegan

He sees an angry and disappointed kid walking out of the campus, and takes the opportunity to ask if they want to become vegan.

“You know who else was vegan?” the angry kid responds. “Adolf Hitler. And I just got kicked out of art school right now, so I’m not taking any risks.”

Of course our company is an equal opportunity employer

We always make sure to have equal numbers of X and Y chromosomes

A Chinese doctor can't find a job in a hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, yo...

All his life, Pedro had wanted to be a pirate. And when he got the opportunity to interview for a position on a pirate ship, he was overjoyed...

Arriving at the quay, Pedro and the other pirate hopefuls stood around and waited for the captain to call them one by one on board for their interviews.

The captain emerged, but much to Pedro's surprise, instead of conducting individual interviews one-on-one on board the ship, the captain bid...

Kurt Cobain was an example of using opportunity.

He got his big shot, and didn’t miss.

I still think it was a missed opportunity that Minnie Driver wasn’t in the remake of The Italian Job.

Joke from Gary Delaney's standup

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I'd like to take the opportunity on this, International Women's Day, to refute allegations that I'm a sexist.

I've got a friend who's a woman. And I believe she should be treated as if she *is* equal.

Two boys are in the woods...

...They were walking when they noticed two girls getting naked in a nearby pond. One kid bolted the other way and the other one chased after him. "Why did you leave man! That was the prime opportunity for us to see naked chicks!" Then the other kid said "well, my mom said if I ever see a naked girl...

A Blonde, a Brunette and a Redhead are against a wall to be executed by a firing line.

Each is given an opportunity for last words. The Redhead is up first: she points and screams "Tornado!" Everyone freaks out and in the commotion she gets away. The Brunette is second and catches on the the plan: she points and screams "Tsunami," fleeing in the confusion. The Blonde has worked out a ...

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Opportunity

That is impossible. Opportunity doesn’t come knocking twice!

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A jew sees an opportunity to earn easy money

In advertisement on a wall, a jobless Russian offers a great deal, he claim to cure anyone of any condition for a mere 5000 euro, and if he fail he promises to pay 10 000 euro back . A passing jew sees this opportunity, and decides to earn some easy money and so he enters the building..

J...

Always be well informed in your job or you might miss a great opportunity!

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her habit to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthfully sli...

I’ve always hoped for the opportunity to save my ex from a fiery car crash.

I don’t know if I would take that opportunity, but I would certainly like the chance to.

If you’re gathering with family & friends today, there’s an opportunity for recreating an historically accurate tradition.

The trading of disease ridden blankets.

Toronto missed out on an opportunity to call their basketball team the torontosaurus rexes

Boo me, I deserve it

John was unable to choose between two girls...

So he asked his friend Gary for help deciding which girl to be with.

John: I'm devoted to Kate but Edith is my dream girl, she's all I've ever wanted.

Gary: Then you should be with Edith.

John: But I love Kate and could never leave her...

Gary: Then you should stay with K...

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Adam Sandler told the funniest joke I've ever heard. It's about Shaq.

So Sandler relays the story below:

I was playing basketball and got the opportunity to play with Shaq. It was great. Afterward it just so happens that I'm in the showers and it's just him and me in adjoining showers. So I think to myself, I've got to see his penis. This is my one chance. I've...

If I got $100 for every time I messed up a great opportunity with a question...

I would be asking who is giving me the money.

With the quarantine and all the bars closed, I got some opportunity to talk to my wife.

She actually seems like a nice person.

What do you call that friend who will always seize the opportunity to run a Dungeons & Dragons game for your group?

A Carpe D.M

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A female grocery store regular customer has a secret crush on the bag boy…

As she is having her items checked out, she glances at the bag boy and thinks, “I’ve got to say something. I’ve been feeling so attracted to him for months!”

The cashier totals out her haul, the lady pays, and as the last item is being bagged, she asks the bag boy: “would you kindly help me l...

Actresses and actors who lose an Oscar all get the opportunity to act together.

Happy for the person who won.

Whoever decided to call it Dentures....

Really missed the opportunity to call it Substitooths.

Starbucks is missing out on a huge business opportunity by NOT selling masks that you can drink through.

They could call them coughy filters.

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What else could he say??

A young couple decided to take their 5 year old son to see the circus. After several amazing acts, the ringmaster led six bull elephants into the center ring, linked trunk to tail in the usual manner.

"What's that big thing hanging off the elephant, Mommy?" Little Johnny asked.

"That...

My mom never missed an opportunity to remind me every birthday...

...that I was inside of her.

A cheating husband decided to write a letter to his wife.

"My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, as a 54 year-old, can no longer satisfy. I'm very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. However, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the...

The best example of once in a life time opportunity..

..is a bug on your boss's face.

I feel like the world really missed an opportunity by calling people that study the sky astronomers

They should’ve called them skyentists.

Now that I’m an dad, I’ve been learning dad jokes. But I Can never find the opportunity to use them.

Guess I gotta look father

Should I ever encounter a black widow with the opportunity to seduce and betray her, my final words to her would be

“For all the men that came before me”

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The Drunk and a priest

On a bus, a priest sat next to a drunk who was struggling to read a newspaper.

Suddenly, with a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest:

"Do you know what arthritis is?"

The parish priest soon thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:

"It's a ...

I want to take the opportunity to thank France for supporting American independence

If it wasn't for the French, America would be speaking English right now

The masochist realized he had let an opportunity to inflict some pain on himself slip by.

It was a missed ache.

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat.

The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear.
She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor.
She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.
When they get to the doctor's, the man...

Dear illiterate people of reddit, why did you not take the opportunity to learn to read and write?

Can't wait to read all your answers.

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A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

The old Jewish driver answered, “Let me ...

Mars Opportunity rover was meant to last 90 days, but the fact that it lasted around 15 years shows that ..

Oppy was OP

I missed out on a great investment opportunity 5 years ago which required an initial deposit of $4 and had a return of thousands of dollars!

Don't believe me? Just ask my 4-year old!

A man orders a coffee

A man enters a bar and the bartender comes over and asks "Can I help you sir?".

The man answers "What does a cup of coffee cost in this place?".

The bartender says "That would be $2.60".

"Alright, I'll have one." says the client and he takes 26 dimes out of his wallet and he thr...

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who only spoke Navajo, asked a question, which the son translated, “What are the guys in the big suits doing?”

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old...

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I'd been looking for an opportunity to impress my new boss, so I jumped at the chance when he asked if I'd had a good weekend.

"It was very productive," I said. "I taught our Bobby how to ride a bike."

"That's great," he smiled. "How old is he?"

"Ten years old," I replied.

"Oh, well that's not actually impressive at all," he sneered, walking off.

Fucker. They must have smarter dogs where he comes...

The Doctor and the Rich Man

An immigrant doctor decided to start his own clinic one day.
He put a sign in front of it that says if he can't cure your illness, he'll give you 100 dollars. If he can, you have to pay 20 dollars.
A young rich man passes by, sees the sign, and thinks it's a good opportunity to earn 100 bu...

The hells angels are riding....

On January 13th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, California bikers were riding along Colorado Street in Pasadena when they saw a girl about to jump off Pasadena's Suicide Bridge. So they stopped.
John, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the S...

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A blonde joke

A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing-747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....."...

Why aren't russians an enterprising bunch of people?

They're afraid of windows of opportunity...

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

“Ringling Brothers is coming to town this week,” she said. “The poster says they have a dancing bear. I always wanted to see one of those.”

“Maybe next year,” says the man. “Work’s really busy this week.”

The next night at dinner, t...

So I’m driving and I see a goat with his head stuck in a fence and I think to myself “well when an opportunity presents itself...”

So I pull over and I’m with my friend and I get behind the goat and start giving it to him and I look at my friend and ask if he wants to get in on this.

He says “hell yeah!”

Then sticks his head into the fence.

My dad said this joke and thought it was hilarious had to sh...

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What’s the difference between a boner and a bonus?

Your wife will never refuse an opportunity to blow your bonus.

George R.R. Martin (OC)

I met George R.R. Martin at a book signing a while back. It was very early in the morning and there weren’t that many people around, so I actually had the opportunity to chat with him a bit. I told him I’m a huge fan of his works, and that he’s always been an idol of mine, and that he inspired me to...

My wife just told me she was pregnant...

True story. I used this as an opportunity to tell my first Dad joke:

"Hello, Pregnant. My name is Dad."

Dumb, but I don't care. I'm on top of the f'ing world right now and nothing can take me down.

Amid reports of insider trading by senators during the pandemic, a leaked memo reveals that the vice president had the opportunity as well, but refused to profit even as he contracted the virus himself

Sick Pence none the richer

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