UPJOKE
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Our Jokes

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My wife, to our therapist: He always misunderstands simple questions.

Therapist, to me: What does she mean?

Me: It’s a feminine pronoun,

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted

I don't get it. I've lived here for 273 years and not noticed anything strange.

Why don't aliens visit our Solar System?

They read the reviews... just one star...

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A DEA agent stopped at our farm yesterday.

“We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.”

I said, “that’s fine, but don’t go into that field over there. You won’t like it.”

Agitated by this, the officer explodes saying, “do you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can go where I please, when I...

Wife asks: Why are you watching our wedding video backwards?

— I like the part when I take the ring off your finger, leave church and go to the bar with friends.

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My roommate says our house is haunted

I've been living here for 300 years and i havnt noticed shit.

Classic joke for our Muslim friends today

There were two white christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view...

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Our President Elect is a real tough guy...

The candidate who was going to "defeat ISIS" is currently at war with Saturday Night Live and a Broadway musical.

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I took my wife to the doctor’s to sort our her Tourette’s.

Turns out she she doesn’t have it after all. I am a cunt and she does want me to fuck off.

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My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9!

That's the best I've done so far.

Wife: I'm afraid our Neighbour died

Husband: Who, Ray?

Wife: It's inappropriate to cheer when someone dies


(My 7 year old came up with this joke)

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I was complaining to my wife about our nonexistent sex life.

Zero fucks were given.

What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet?

I asked my 10 brothers and sisters, but they don’t know either.

We thought it was our ability to love that made us human,

but it turns out it was actually our ability to SELECT EACH IMAGE CONTAINING A TRUCK.

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A young boy says to his father "Dad, our maths teacher is asking to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?'

"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from scho...

A baby camel asks his father, “Dad, why do we have a hump on our back?”

The dad replies, "So that we can store water in those."


He then asks, "Why do we have hooves then?"


The dad replies, "To prevent our feet from sinking in the sand."


After thinking this over, he then asks, "Then why do we have big eyelids?”



The dad rep...

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My wife and I went on our honyemoon to Australia...

Unfortunately, I had to dial the help line.

"G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?"

I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well....y...

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Yesterday, our mailman spotted me through the window masturbating.

I guess he's wondering now how I knew where he lives.

Stewardess: "Are there any doctors among our passengers?"

A man stood up and followed the stewardess.

··· After several minutes.

Stewardess: "Are there any pilots among our passengers?"

For our chemistry exam we had to write a thousand words on acid.

Unfortunately my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted

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I told my girlfriend that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in our building except one!!

“I bet it’s the snooty bitch at number twenty three,” she replied.

I bought my girlfriend a fridge for our anniversary...

I know it wasn't a great gift, but I loved seeing her face light up when she opened it.

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This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the sam...

My girlfriend and I went on our 9th date to see the new Batman film. Our dates can be summarized as followed:

Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMAN

Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion yesterday in less than 5 moves.

Finally my high school karate classes came in useful.

My uncle was taking our picture at a dairy farm in Wisconsin when he was crushed by a giant wheel of cheese.

We tried to warn him.

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My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.

She said she just can't take it any longer.

Our local pizza guy has been arrested for selling drugs

I have been a loyal customer for years. I honestly had no idea he was selling pizzas

Thought I won an argument with my wife about how to rearrange our furniture.....

But when I got home, the tables were turned

After a long debate with my Wife, I decied that we won't Vaccine our kids

We think the doctor would do a way better job than us

My wife hates it when our next door neighbor sunbathes topless in her yard.

Personally I’m on the fence.

I explained to my wife that we’ll be paying twice as much as our house is worth over the life of our 30-year mortgage.

She said “interesting.”

My wife beamed at me with pride and said, “Wow! I never thought our son would go that far!“

I said, “This trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter.”

It’s a good thing our favorite sports drink was invented at University of Florida…

If it was developed at Florida State University, Gatorade might have been called Seminole Fluid instead.

4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!

Man, I hate babies.

I was on a blind date with a woman, and during our dinner conversation....

....she said, "You know, I used to be a Christian."

I told her that was fine, it really didn't matter to me.

She said, "Good. Because I'm much more comfortable as a Christine."

My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...

So I called her Bluff...

why Elon musk is A true Edison of our time ?

Because He found a way to milk Nicolai after he has been long in the grave, too

My wife asked for something shiny that goes from 0 - 200 in five seconds or less for our anniversary...

I bought her a scale. We're still not speaking.

I saw that our local zoo has an interesting attraction : A lion and a sheep living peacefully in the same cage.



I asked the zookeeper whether they ever fight. He said, "Rarely."

I asked what happens when they do.

"We get another sheep."

I parked my car outside parliament. "Sir, you can't park here," said a cop. "This is where our politicians work."

"Don't worry, I've locked it."

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“Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.”

“OK, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the doc soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”

“But, Doc, I’ve been screwing the maid, too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”

“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.
...

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To reduce waste, our city has told food truck operators that they must donate all unsold items each night.

I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there's really not much room for waste to begin with. So, I've gotta ask....

How much food would a food truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food?

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Wife: Our son called me a bitch today

Husband: What! That little son of a bitch

My wife thinks our friend is lying when he claimed that he scaled Mount Everest, but I disagree.

I think..he made it up.

Our company recently did a password audit, it was found that an employee was using the following password:

**"VaderObiwanLukeBobafettGandalfFrodoGimliLegolasSacramento"**

When asked why he had such a long password, he rolled his eyes and said: *Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital."*

I met a girl on Tinder and we were going to go to the gym on our first date, but she stood me up.

I suppose we aren't gonna work out.

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A man says to his wife 'apparently the milkman has had sex with every woman but one on our street'

'I bet it's that stuck up cow at No.36' replies the wife

Some of us live thousands of miles away from most of our relatives and can't be with them this holiday season...

... Please don't be jealous

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Our neighbour's dog crapped in our garden, so my wife asked me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence.

I don't know what that solved. We still have dog shit in our garden and the neighbours have our shovel.

Our first time out on our new yacht...

Me: *Raises glass* To our new yakt!

Her: The "c" is silent.

Me:*staring out at the horizon * Yes, it's very tranquil tonight.

I asked my wife what she wants for our anniversary, she said “a divorce.”

I said, “I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”

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I took this girl home after our date...

Her: When you said magical in bed this isn't what I expe-

Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card?

Her: *softly* holy shit

Wife: what are you getting me for our 10 year anniversary?

Husband: Im taking you to Africa

Wife: wow that's amazing I always wanted to go there. Then what you would get me for our 20th?

Husband: I will pick you up

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If aliens are monitoring our media and 98% of the internet is porn...

They're not giving us anal probes. They're just trying to speak our language

Our local auctioneer has passed away.

He was somewhere around 30? 35? 35? 40.

TIFU by doing BDSM with my wife's sister, when she suddenly walked into our activity

Whoops, wrong sub.

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My wife said she was going to come to the Halloween party dressed as our Sex life

So she didn’t come

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The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage

She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns.



I look at therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"



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Wife: Stop pretending your life is a youtube video!! It's ruining our marriage!

Me: Do you guys think it's ruining our marriage? Let me know in the comments below!

I’m sitting here thinking about leaving my husband. He hasn’t been intimate with me since our son died. I would leave right now,

But the ambulance is still in the drive way blocking my car.

My wife said she wanted to name our child Eevee because she thought it would be cool to name it after a Pokemon

I said 'ditto'

True story: My wife told me after our first kid

“I don’t think I’ll ever get down to my original weight.”

Me: “I’m glad you’re finally thinking straight, after all, 6 lbs 3 oz is just not realistic.”

She still doesn’t think it was funny years later.

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I spiced up our sex-life with some flavoured condoms....

My missus said, "Wow! This one tastes just like cheese and onion".
I said, "I haven't put it on yet"

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One night a guy goes to get a room in a hotel. "Hello, I want a single room for the night please." "Fine, sir, here's one of our best rooms. Room 13," says the concierge and hands him the key

The guy goes upstairs, takes a shower and gets straight into bed. At about 2 0'clock in the morning, two gorgeous naked women come in and slide under the covers. When he realizes what is going on, he starts screwing both of them. He can't believe what's happening. Next morning, still surprised by la...

I used to make jokes at work during meetings, and I could really get people laughing. Then COVID hit, and all our meetings were online. I'd still make jokes, but no one would laugh...

Not one. At first, I thought it was just because everyone was muted. It turns out, they didn't find me remotely funny.

The CEO of a hardware company calls in his top ad man and tells him, "We need a new TV spot for our B&Q Nails line."

A week later, the ad man comes back with a videotape and pops it into the VCR in the CEO's office. The commercial starts and the CEO sees Jesus being nailed to the cross while a voice over says, "B&Q nails: they get the job done." The CEO is irritated and says, "That is completely unacceptable! ...

My wife said we needed to childproof our upright piano, so it wouldn't fall over on our toddler...

... I said that was a good idea, because I wouldn't want a flat minor.

Daughter: Mom, I have a new boyfriend, our neighbor Joe. Mom: But he could be your father!

Daughter: Age is not that important to me.


Mom: That’s not what I was talking about.

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Every day we have hundreds of people coming into this country with no skill, no grasp of the language and a total drain on our resources...

Babies are fucking useless.

Depression/suicide jokes are basically yo mama jokes of our generation — they're lazy, unfunny and useless

Just like me

"This is the hardest part of our job," said the police officer after Adam was pronounced dead in the accident.

"Yeah, but break the news slowly. His wife is a very sensitive person."

The police officer knocks on the door and Adam's wife opens it.

"Are you Adam's widow?" said the police.

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, "Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!"

He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?"
The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequilla. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gotta g...

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Russian elementary school assignmen: "please tell us an anecdote that demonstrates the kindness of our great leader Putin"

On the due date, the teacher has some students stand up and read their assignments in front of the class.

Little Igor goes first : "one day President Putin was walking down the street when he noticed a crying little girl. He asked what was troubling her, and she told him that her cat went up ...

My wife was hinting at what she wanted for our anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0-100 in 3 seconds."

I got her a weighing scale.

If Hillary Clinton is elected as our first female President it's really going to redefine a few things for me....

....Like the words President Bush.

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…and here’s our bedroom, where the magic happens…

…I say “I’m horny” and my wife disappears.

I told my son that I found his hamster in our vacuum cleaner.

With tears in his eyes he said, "Please get a new one, daddy..."

"I was thinking the same," I said, "the suction is absolutely terrible."

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At the end of our first date, I sheepishly asked, "So, how do you feel about sex?" Giggling and blushing, she whispered, "I like it infrequently."

Puzzled, I asked, "I see. Is that one word or two?"

My wife asked me to prepare our 4 year old ginger son for his first day at school.

So I punched him & stole his lunch money.

My girlfriend burned our Hawaiian pizza today...

I should have told her to put the oven on aloha setting.

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My wife thinks our sex life is boring and I get distracted easily..........

Well I Better get back to it....

The eclipse did two things our political leaders cannot.

It slowed global warming and gave us all something to look up to

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Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. One nun suggests to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."

So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other and one nun says, "He's blind, so he can't see. What could it hurt?" They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you wan...

Husband : Why are there broken condoms on our couch???

Wife : would you please call our children by their real names?

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My wife and I decided to curb our smoking habit a bit by only smoking after sex.

I havnt touched a cigarette in 10 years and shes up to 2 packs a day.

RIP Rodney.

My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The t-shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”

My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!”

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; righ...

I told my old classmate at our 10-year reunion that I'm a writer. "Oh yeah?" he asks. "Have you sold anything yet?"

I said, "Sure. My house, my car, and all my stuff."

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Granma always shit on our gifts…

My whole family went in to buy Gran one of those chair lifts to get up to the second floor “her bedroom is on the 2nd and she has been struggling over the last few years”. We had a professional install it and finally got everyone together to see her. We asked her “Hey Granma, how do you like the lif...

Our lawn mower broke

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her poi...

I told my wife after checking our bank accounts we can retire and live comfortably for the rest of our lives

As long as we die by Sunday

On our first date my wife wanted to know my back story.

Told her it’s mostly ibuprofen and visits to the chiropractor.

My parents thought if they “stacked” our beds we would like it and want to go to bed at our bed time.

That theory was quickly debunked.

Husband: I heard a rumor that the postman's slept with all the women on our street, except for one.

Wife: I bet it's that's snooty Priscilla Quinn in Number 12.

My Girlfriend said last night, "You treat our relationship like some kind of game!".

Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance.

I am married to a Korean wife and she told me I get to name our son's English name

We live in Korea and gave our son my wife's last name 모 (pronounced 'mo').

I got to choose his English name so I said we should call him Lester.

So when I go around and introduce my child I could say

"This is our child 모 Lester"

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on the eve of our anniversary....

On the eve of our anniversary my wife and I agreed that whoever woke up first in the morning should wake the other one with oral sex.

Come the morning I was up first so I slowly pulled back the covers...

... and stuck my cock in her mouth.

My mom pointed at a guy across from our house...

...and said, "Stay away from him, he takes drugs."

That's sound advice, I thought to myself. I don't want him taking mine.

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I've been told that one in our circle of friends is gay.

I hope it's Dave, he's cute.

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My daughter walked into our bedroom to catch us having sex.

"What are you doing?" she asked in shock.
"Making you someone to play with," I said.
"A brother?" she asked excitingly.
"No, a cousin," I replied. "Now go and watch out for your mother coming home."

My wife suggested that we should share our bed with our pets.

I finally gave in. After 10 minutes, our goldfish finally settled down.

TIFU: While our for a walk in Paris, I stepped on a snail.

Now I’m being haunted by an escarghost.

An environmentalist was giving a speech and told his audience that if we continue on our present course all life on earth will be gone in 50 years

A member of the audience jumped to his feet and cried out in panic, "What? What did you say?!"

The environmentalist solemnly repeated, "I said if we continue the way we are that every man, woman, and child on earth will be gone in fifty years."

The man sat down in relief and said, "Oh,...

Our teacher was supposed to read us Shakespeare today, but she wasn't there. So instead, the

subreddit.

Son: Dad why is our food so cold and bland?

Dad: It's because your mother put her heart and soul into it.

Our computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually...

It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards for solitaire.

A dying husband in a hospital bed asks his wife, "Our seventh child always looked different from the other six. Did he have a different father?"

His wife, crying uncontrollably answers, "Yes."

He asks, "Whose is it?"

His wife replies, "Yours!"

An aircraft hit our house last night

My wife’s fault, she left the landing light on.

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-Sir, there are people protesting our products outside because of our animal testing.

-I'm tired of all this hypocrisy …big pharma and cosmetics test their products on animals all the time…
-Yes sir, but we make dildos.

If Jesus Christ died for our sins...

then who died for our cos and tans?

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How did you choose our names father?

A young indian boy asked his father "How did you choose our names father"?

His father replied:

""When your older sister was born I opened the flap to the teepee and looked out, naming her for the first thing I saw. So she is called Running Doe."

"When your older brother was bor...

Did Jesus pay for our sins with cash or credit?

He used praypal.

Our new IT guy moved here from Australia...

He comes from a LAN down under.

a german bar opened in our neighborhood

i'm a curious guy so i get in

i ask the bartender: "can i get a glass of punch?"

he says: "sir, we are german, we are efficient and practical, there's a line for each beverage"

i look over and what do you know, i see a queue for each drink!

there's a long line just for wh...

Electing Trump would really strengthen our dollar

Sincerely,
Canada

My sisters and I met yesterday to discuss whether or not to bury or cremate our mother..

We couldn’t come to a decision between the two so we are letting her live for now.

Something on our Sausages

THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED TODAY

I had to go to the corner shop to get some bread and ketchup as we ran out yesterday.

I went in got my medium warburtons loaf and the classic bottle of heinz beans and joined the queue.

When I was the second person to the counter the man in front of ...

"Our club is looking for a treasurer."

"Didn't you just hire one last month?"

"Yes, that's the one we're looking for."

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As a country, we should treat our bickering political parties like how we treat our bickering children

Instead of siding with one or the other, we should yell, “IF YOU TWO KEEP *FUCKING* FIGHTING, I’M TURNING THIS *GODDAMN* CAR RIGHT AROUND!”

I read that I should treat my wife like I did on our first date...

...so tonight I'm dropping her off at her parents.

What my girlfriend thought on our first four dates

1. Nice shirt.

2. Wow. A second nice shirt.

3. OK, first shirt again.

4. He has two shirts.

We call our grandad Spiderman...

Not because he has superhuman powers, but because he can't get out of the bath.

My wife asked me if I thought our kids are spoiled

I told her, "no, I think all kids smell like that."

I've come up with a new menu item for our local gastropub...

It's a wooden plank, with boiled eggs, Brussel sprouts, cabbage, pungent cheeses and different types of bean salads.
They can call it a "Shart-Tooterie board".

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Can we give a little appreciation to our silent friend

Can we give a little appreciation to our silent friend,


The one who is there at the best and worst times, offering us support and comfort, providing relief to our times of desperation, taking our shit and never complaining no matter how bad it is, and leaving us feeling relaxed and mu...

Joke from my 9 year old brother- our dad is dead

Who would win in a fight? Our dad or a plate of spaghetti?
The spaghetti because dad PASTAway

If I had a dollar for every time inflation devalued our currency…..

I'd already have a quarter by the time you finished reading this....

But, That's just my 2 cents.

As a Nevadan, I'm tired of people insinuating that we can't count. We are a great state filled with intelligent people. In fact, I can list off 20 ways we are better than our neighboring states.

Just let me take my shoes and socks off first.

My wife found a cute baby skunk on our holiday

She wanted to bring it home. I told they won't let her take it on the plane, she'd need to hide it down her panties.

"But what about the smell?" She asked.
"Well," I said, "If it dies it dies."

"Mom I have started dating our neighbour..."

"Anders?! But honey, he could be your father!" says mom.

Daughter replies "Mom, age is just a number!"

"I wasn't talking about his age!"

I told my wife I wanted to name our unborn son Obvious.

She said, "That's a stupid name."

I said, "Now you're gestating the Obvious."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John, the second least popular kid in our class tried to act over smart...

So, John decides to come up to me one day - out of the blue - and tries to up his status among the class by picking on the one kid that had no friends - again, me.

“So, I saw your father yesterday.”

This was curious. I knew my father was at work, so it was highly unlikely that John wou...

I asked Dad how he plans to spend the day. He said, "first, Mom and I will go pick up our prescription glasses"

"And then we'll see."

My sister and I inherited our chronic bowel issues from our mother

Runs in the family

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My girlfriend says that having a small penis isn't an issue in our relationship..

I still wish she didn't have one though.

The head of our city council can never decide on anything..

They don't call him Mayor Maynot for nothing.

My wife and I started a bank account to help with our weed budget

It's our joint account

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me and my friends organised a circlejerk in our local church.

It was a mass turbation.

My wife wants to replace our kitchen countertops with Quartzsite

I told her I was afraid the kids would take it for granite

Our boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.

I have a hunch it might be me.

My wife decided to split the house post our divorce

I got the outside...

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My wife's friends were trying to get me to talk about our kinks

Unfortunately for them, I don't piss and tell.

For cookery class, our homework was to bake something.

I said I'd bake dog biscuits.

No idea how to, but i have a great excuse when i don't hand in my homework.

My epileptic son loves our new Christmas tree.

You should see how excited he gets when we turn on the lights.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My scientist wife decided to test the hyphotesis that more sex would improve our marriage. It's only been a week, and I've already concluded...

...that I'm in the control group.

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