Thanos' finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.

Apparently only DC movies can do that.

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem, the captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:


"Look, it's not the same hat!"


"Look, he's hiding the flowers unde...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Hypnotist was performing in front of a live audience using a pendulum

All of a sudden the pendulum slipped out of his hand and he exclaimed "shit!"


It took 2 weeks to clean that whole place.

An environmentalist was giving a speech and told his audience that if we continue on our present course all life on earth will be gone in 50 years

A member of the audience jumped to his feet and cried out in panic, "What? What did you say?!"

The environmentalist solemnly repeated, "I said if we continue the way we are that every man, woman, and child on earth will be gone in fifty years."

The man sat down in relief and said, "Oh,...

TIL after his show on Netflix was cancelled, Jon Bernthal was forced to take a job as a doorman in a theatre who would occasionally warm up the audience with dad jokes

He became widely known as the pun usher.

I tried stand-up before, but it didn't work out. My first audience was a real tough crowd

I was performing in a haunted house and the only responses I got were "boooo".

I knew a Guy who had a Fetish for Studio Audiences

He Came with a Laugh Tack.

Stevie Wonder went to play a concert in China, and he began by asking if the audience had any requests. They shouted: "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"...

Stevie was a little puzzled, but he responded by playing an E minor scale, and then continued with a complex jazz melody that went on for over fifteen minutes.

He finished, but instead of applause, he heard the audience shout again: "No, no! Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

A lit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The speaker at a horror conference asks the audience...

"Do you like ghosts?"

"Yes," everyone says.

"Do you believe in ghosts?"

"Yes," everyone says.

"Have you ever seen a ghost?"

"Yes," half the room says.

"Have you ever talked to a ghost?"

"Yes," a few people say.

"Have you ever shagged a ghost...

I was watching an Australian cooking show this morning . The chef made meringue. The audience all cheered for him.

This surprised me. Australians usually boo-meringue.

The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth.

In the piece, there’s about a 20 min long passage during which the double basses have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick drink. After slamming several beers in quick succession (...

The sound from an orchestra on stage is designed to bounce around the auditorium walls to surround the audience. The sound from a Pigeon on stage does not do this...

The reason is a Coo sticks....


sorry, ill see my way out...

Stalin is giving a speech, and someone sneezes.

Stalin looks up from his notes and says, "Who sneezed?" No-one says anything.

Stalin has the first row taken away by KGB to be shot. "Who sneezed?" he asks again. No-one says anything. He has the second row of the audience taken away by the KGB to be shot.

"Comrade Stalin, I sneezed!"...

A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. He says, ‘Uno, dos…” and poof!

He disappeared without a tres.

Why did the audience get mad after the show of the five fingers?

The middle finger forgot to bow.

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa .

'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in...

Any food allergies in the Audience?

Because this is gonna get a little Corny, and a little Nutty….

As a blind comedian, I've been trying to understand my audience.

But who am I kidding?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Never have sex before 20.

It can be difficult to perform in front of an audience.

Why should you always post jokes in American English?

They can reach a wider audience.

Dave and the barber

So this guy Dave is in getting a haircut. He tells the barber, “I’m going on a three week vacation to Europe.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Yes, I am.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Yes, I am.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Yes, I am.”

“You’re going to hate it. Everything is so comp...

Hey, did you hear about the prison talent show?

They had quite the captive audience.

A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three.

>!Uno, dos... poof. He disappeared without a tres.!<

An Italian, an Englishman and an American are granted an audience with God.

The Lord lets them ask a question about the future.

The Italian asks, “I’m a big F1 racing fan. When will Ferrari win another World Championship?” “In 20 years,” says God.

The Italian wails, “I’m an old man. I’ll never get to see my team win a championship.” He starts to cry.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At a U2 concert in Belfast,Ireland

Bono asked the audience for total silence.

Then in the silence he started to clap his hands. Once every few seconds.

Keeping the audience in silence he said into the microphone, “every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.”

From the front of the crowd a broad Irish acc...

A wealthy Saudi man comes home one day and finds his two wives fighting about which one he loves more.

As he tries to reassure both of them that he cares for them equally, one asks “if we were all out on your yacht and it started sinking, and you could only save one of us, which would you save?”

The man ponders for a moment, turns to the other wife, takes her hands in his, and says “my dearest...

A monastery had a rule: No talking whatsoever.

Once a year, there was an exception to the rule. One monk would get chosen to get up and speak.

The first year, Brother Matthew stood up. Naturally, the hall was silent. He stared at his audience for a minute. Then he spoke. "Hot this year, wasn't it?"

With that, he concluded his speec...

Netflix is soon releasing an extremely realistic documentary series about the life of Abraham Lincoln.

The finale is shot before a live audience.

A comedian tells a joke and no one in the audience laughs, to this he responds...

"Come on people! I do this for a living! Not for dead silence!"

A rookie comedian asks an experienced comedian how he manages to cater his jokes toward his audience.

The comedian gives the newcomer a slip of paper with a website url. “This is a forum for comedians where they trade jokes. It’s perfect to find the right joke for the right occasion.”

So just before his first gig at a tailors convention, he looks up “jokes for tailors” on the forum. He manage...

I never get school shooting jokes.

Maybe they're aimed at a younger audience.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Hypnotist at a Senior Home

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center. After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A recent symphony performance

During a recent performance of Beethoven's 9th symphony, the two bass violin players become bored because there is a long period where they have nothing to do. One invites the other to go across the alley to a bar. One drink leads to another. Finally one says they need to get back, but the other say...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During a U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, Bono asked the audience for total quiet.

Then in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands. Once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

From the front of the crowd, a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet: "Well fuckin...

Khrushchev was giving a speech when a heckler in the audience shouted "Why did you never speak out against Stalin?"

Straight away Khrushchev bellowed "WHO SAID THAT?" and there was a rattle of safeties being taken off by his bodyguards. Nobody spoke. Khrushchev bellowed even louder "**WHO. SAID. THAT?!**". He gave a signal, one gesture of his hand. More armed men filed into the hall and stared intently down e...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At a fundraising concert ....

... performance recently, Bono was trying to emphasize the charity's the need, exhorting the audience to donate, he shouted out ...

"Every time \~*clap\~* I clap my hands \~*clap\~* a starving child in Africa dies \~*clap\~*.


As he paused for effect and continue to \~clap\~clap...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Maybe repost, but it is a fabulous joke so I'll risk it. (Long, and works better when spoken)

A man is waking up in the morning, when he reads in the newspaper that the circus is coming to town. So he decides to go and see. He gets into his seat and the show starts. He watches the lions, the elephants, the tight rope walkers, and at the end there's a clown insulting people in the audience. T...

The next LG phone needs to appeal to all audiences and be a plus size phone

We'll call it the LGbtq+

Stalin is giving a speech in front of a large audience.

Suddenly, he's interrupted by a loud sneeze. Stalin stops talking and asks in an ominous tone: "Who just sneezed?" The audience is silent.

"Very well," says Stalin. "We'll do it my way, and believe me, I *will* identify the sneezer." The audience dares not speak.

"Very well," says Sta...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A famous magician is doing a show one night in front of a packed audience. All is going well, the people love his acts, until this one guy shouts "Aaahhh, that's bullshit! That's not magic, that's just tricks! Any idiot can do that!"

Unfazed, the magician continues, doing another one of his best acts until the same unruly guy shouts "Oh come on! Everybody knows that's just tricks, that's not real magic!"


The magician, a little rattled at this point, decides to pull out his best ever act, and cuts a guy in half on stag...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a ventriloquist is on stage telling jokes at a local bar with his dummy on his leg. He asks if the audience wants to hear a blonde joke and the audience cheers with general enthusiasm...

“Ok” he starts, “how many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?”

But before he can finish, a blonde woman from the audience stands up, outraged.

“How dare you! How dare you generalize us like that just based on our hair color!”

The ventriloquist apologizes profusely ex...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is a traditional Scottish joke. I heard it from my dad, he heard it from his dad, and he had it shouted at him by a guy called Johnny Glue-bag

There was once a Russian wrestler with the stage name Ivan the Terrible. His name was well earned for every man who stepped into the ring with him would be killed. He had two infamous moves: the half pretzel which would cripple you for life and the full pretzel which would break your neck and kill y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm trying to build interest for my new children's book

It's about a vixen whose tail hurts, and each page after the introduction is a new animal trying to help her heal or deal with the pain. Sadly, every publisher I've contacted has rejected the manuscript outright.

I'm not giving up, though. "For Fox' ache" will find it's audience someday.

What did the home-quarantined stand-up comedian say after he got a laugh from his video chat audience?

"Thanks, I'll be here all week!"

The personal assistant enters Stalin's office to announce to him: "Comrade Stalin, a clairvoyant is waiting outside demanding an audience with you. He says that he is able to foresee the future."

Stalin, still bent over the table, calmly replies: "He shall be executed. If he really foresaw the future, he would never want to meet me."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is a long one that requires audience interaction. It’s always given me great return.

To preface this joke: you may alter the story as you see fit. Make it personal and use elements of your real life to make this a convincing story. The only key points that must be consistent will be highlighted in the text. The audience interaction will be italicized.

_________

The Cat...

Why didnt the audience laugh at the giraffe' s joke?

It went over their heads

I can't write jokes, but a friend of mine gave me a foolproof formula. He said "Start with a natural set-up, lead the audience in one direction, then hit them with a punch line they weren't expecting."

So here goes:

Walk forwards.

Turn left.

Pasteurization.

Who knew what blondes know?

It was a typical night of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire:

Regis: “Barbara, you’ve done very well so far – $500,000 and one lifeline left — phone a friend.”

“The next question will give you the top prize of $1 million dollars,
if you get it right. But if you get it wrong, you will dr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Soviet filmmaker makes a film called “Lenin in Warsaw.”

Everybody shows up for the premiere. The film opens—on Lenin's wife, Krupskaya, naked, having mad sex with another man. And then another.

And another. And so on. The film continues in the same vein for ninety minutes.Finally, the lights come up and the director takes questions from the audien...

Beethoven to his audience:

Beethoven: Make some noise for the next symphony

Audience: YEAAAAAAAAA!!!

Beethoven: I can't hear you

What's the worst audience you can have?

Ghosts, they always boo.

I saw a stand-up comic doing jokes about botany. Nobody in the audience laughed except one guy.

I looked at him and thought "you're a plant".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman ,a Scotsman and an Irishman are all going to give speeches to the Deaf Society and are keen to make an impression on their audience…

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin.

When he finishes, the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

"Well…" he explained, "By rubbing my chest, I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing m...

A magician says to his audience...

A magician says to his audience "I can make myself appear in 100 different places in this room". He says "3, 2, 1, Abracadabra!" Nothing happens so he tries once again, "3, 2, 1, Abracadabra!" Still nothing happens. Flustered he asks to be excused while he checks his handbook. He closes the book and...

An old priest died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven

Next to him was a young Uber driver who died seconds ago from his reckless driving.

The priest was called first, and St Peter said, "For your life long career working for the church, we will give you a small studio where you can stay at for the rest of eternity."

Then St Peter turns to...

In an attempt to appeal to a wider audience, Hollywood remakes footloose for the Muslim and Jewish world

Its basically the same movie, just without Bacon

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guess what happened when the rockstar threw feces at the audience.

The shit hit the fan.

What's the best part of being a hitman salesman?

Their target audience never complains.

Great performance!

There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally, after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, ”This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You must walk onto the...

In a concert hall, the concertmaster walks onto the stage to announce the performance

"Piano Concerto no. 1, by Frederic Chopin", - he says, followed by the musician sitting down at the piano.

The pianist starts playing, and is close to a virtuoso. The performance is flawless, the audience applauds in awe, when a large figured man in a really expensive suit emerges from the f...

The keynote speaker for the medical conference walked up to the stage. "Before I begin," he started, "is there anyone in the audience from Connecticut? "

A couple members of the audience raised their hands. "Ok, thank you. You may put your hands down; I needed to check the accuracy of my CT scans."

What's do C-graders have in common with my audience?

They're both extremely mean.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I know a hypnotist who could control the whole audience.

He'd enter the room, say 'sleep' and everyone would fall asleep.
He'd say ''laugh'', the audience would burst out laughing.

One day, he entered the room where he would make his show as usual, but tripped in the stairs; and yelled ''shit''!

The room took three hours to clean.

A tourist enters a pub where a r/Jokes convention is held

He walks to the bar and orders a beer. Meanwhile, the speaker on the stage approaches the microphone and says: "4032!"

Several people in the pub chuckle.

The man on stage then says, "351". Again, quite a few people in the pub chuckle.

Irritated by what he's witnessing, the touri...

When I get nervous on stage people say "imagine the audience naked"

But that just makes it harder for me.

At a meeting in a factory, a lecturer from the district Party committee tells the workers about their bright future in the USSR.

At a meeting in a factory, a lecturer from the district Party committee tells the workers about their bright future in the USSR.

"See, comrades, after this five-year plan is completed, every family will have a separate apartment. After the next five-year plan is completed, every worker will h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After an orchestra concert, the host asks if there are any musicians in the audience.

Many audience members raise their hands, and the host randomly selects three of them, and invites them on the stage for a quick quiz. The first one turns out to be a pianist, the second one is a singer, and the last one is a drummer.

The host says: "Let's have a quick quiz, shall we? Our pian...

A young Indian hermit wanted an audience with god..

So, he gave up all his worldly possessions and left society to pray in the woods, he prayed for everyday, then after many many years god appears before him. God: I'm pleased by your dedication, you may ask for anything and I'll grant your wish. Hermit: Okay, but what took you so long...

Had my first stand up gig in front of an audience tonight

Did not go well.

I started my bit and sone dude started to heckle me.

He was like “hey you, down in front, we’re trying to watch the movie”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the nervous spider say to the audience?

"Forgive me guys, but I've got butterflies in my stomach."

Comedians will often ask rhetorical questions in order to get the audience on board with them or to relate to them.

How stupid is that?!

I had a joke about bad snipers

but I am afraid it won't hit the intended audience.

Stalin is giving a long speech at an event, naturally in front of a huge audience. While he's in full flow, somebody near the front of the hall sneezes.

Stalin stops and surveys the crowd.

"Who sneezed?" he asks.

Deathly silence.

"I repeat," says Stalin, "who sneezed?"

Not a peep.

"Very well," says Stalin. "First row, stand up!" Everyone in the first row stands up. "Guards! Open fire!"

A few seconds later, ...

I told my boss that when I get nervous, I like to imagine my audience naked...

... she said I should probably stop teaching the 2nd grade.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Any women in the audience who think I'm a male chauvinist, say "Boooo!"

Every woman in the audience yelled "Booo!"

The speaker said to the crowd, "Obedient little bitches, aren't you?"

My comedian friend told me that a good joke leads the audience down a familiar path and then gives them a punchline they weren't expecting.

So I drove him back to his house and shat in his refrigerator.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Therapist

A Therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?”
Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of the audience members ...

Beethoven asks his audience: "Is everyone ready to hear some symphonies!?"

The audience cheers as Beethoven exclaims: "I can't hear you!"

Help! Performing in front of a deaf audience, and need an appropriate opening joke or two (plus my favorite three little pig joke)

Tomorrow I'm conducting a charity benefit for a large state wide deaf education foundation. I'll be in front of ~500 people talking. I Want at least one slightly edgy jokes that would cater to this sort of rich (and largely deaf) audience.

"Once upon a time, Three Little Pigs walk into a ...

Do you know the difference between "complete" and "finished"

No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the difference between "complete" and "finished."

However, during a recent linguistic conference attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was the presenter when he was asked to make...

Importance of Audience

Father Murphy woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an
exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just
had to play golf.
He told the Associate Priest that he was feeling sick and persuaded
him to say Mass for him that day.
The moment the Associate Priest left...

A ventriloquist is performing and makes a blonde joke.

A blonde woman in the audience is offended and says “How does my hair color affect my intelligence and value as a person?” The ventriloquist apologizes and promises not to make any more blonde jokes for the rest of the performance. The blonde says “I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to the guy o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL Nickleback, tired and at their last show across Europe (in Portugal), had roadies throw things at them from within the audience during the show. The lead singer used it as an excuse to walk off stage, thus getting them out of having to perform.

Just kidding. It was their fans throwing shit at them because everyone hates Nickleback even their fans.

How did the lone bass singer blow away the audience?

By singing so low.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.