UPJOKE
viewerslistenerpeoplecrowdfansreadersapplauseinterviewhearingconsultationgroupreadershippublicgallerypopulace

Audience Jokes

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem, the captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:


"Look, it's not the same hat!"


"Look, he's hiding the flowers unde...

Thanos' finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.

Apparently only DC movies can do that.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Hypnotist was performing in front of a live audience using a pendulum

All of a sudden the pendulum slipped out of his hand and he exclaimed "shit!"


It took 2 weeks to clean that whole place.

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford "The materials we put into our stomach should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But... There is one thing that is the more dangerous to all us...

A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "uno, dos..."

*Poof* ... He disappears without a tres.

The Martians have landed on Earth, and in meeting the world leaders, they have an audience with the Pope.

The Pope looks at them and asks, "Do you know Jesus?"

The Martian replies, "Oh, Jesus? Great guy! He comes and visits our planet twice every year!"

The Pope is astonished! It's been close to 2000 years since he was here and we're still waiting on his second coming."

The Martian ...

I just watched an Australian cooking show and the audience cheered when the chef made meringue.

I was surprised...usually Australians boo meringue.

The CEO of KFC requests an audience with the Pope.

After some discussion, the CEO tells the Pope that he has a proposition. The company will make a $1 billion donation to the Catholic Church on one condition- that the Lord’s Prayer wording be officially changed from “give us this day our daily bread” to “give us this day our daily chicken.”
The p...

How do you address an audience full of dried seeds?

"Ladies and lentil-men...."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a flatulent, captive audience?

Ass-toot observers

An environmentalist was giving a speech and told his audience that if we continue on our present course all life on earth will be gone in 50 years

A member of the audience jumped to his feet and cried out in panic, "What? What did you say?!"

The environmentalist solemnly repeated, "I said if we continue the way we are that every man, woman, and child on earth will be gone in fifty years."

The man sat down in relief and said, "Oh,...

Netflix’s new live-action anime adaption “One Piece” bombs despite majority positive reviews from critics and audiences

The studio blames their poor numbers off the series glorifying piracy.

Beethoven to his audience:

Beethoven: Make some noise for the next symphony

Audience: YEAAAAAAAAA!!!

Beethoven: I can't hear you

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jew Seeks Audience with The Pope

A Jew applied for an audience with the Pope. After insistently waiting for three days and refusing to budge, he was finally granted one.

"Your Holiness, I come from a long line of cooks," said the Jew.

"That's very nice," said the Pope. "What can I do for you?"

"My father was a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The speaker at a horror conference asks the audience...

"Do you like ghosts?"

"Yes," everyone says.

"Do you believe in ghosts?"

"Yes," everyone says.

"Have you ever seen a ghost?"

"Yes," half the room says.

"Have you ever talked to a ghost?"

"Yes," a few people say.

"Have you ever shagged a ghost...

Stalin is giving a speech in front of a large audience.

Suddenly, he's interrupted by a loud sneeze. Stalin stops talking and asks in an ominous tone: "Who just sneezed?" The audience is silent.

"Very well," says Stalin. "We'll do it my way, and believe me, I *will* identify the sneezer." The audience dares not speak.

"Very well," says Sta...

A Joke for any feet in the audience

Sock Sock

Shoe's there

Netflix is soon releasing an extremely realistic documentary series about the life of Abraham Lincoln.

The finale is shot before a live audience.

Why couldn't the comedian in a wheelchair get an audience?

He couldn't do Stand Up comedy!

The sound from a musician on stage bounces off the auditorium walls to surround the audience.

But the sound from a pigeon doesn't do that.

That's because a coo sticks.

A third rate magician is doing magic shows on a second rate cruise ship (Long)

The pay is good, the accommodation is comfortable, the food is excellent, and the two show a day workload is easy. The mainly elderly audience seem to enjoy his show which is unoriginal but has the polish of hundreds of repetitions. All in all, it's started out as a great gig except for one glaring ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I know a hypnotist who could control the whole audience.

He'd enter the room, say 'sleep' and everyone would fall asleep.
He'd say ''laugh'', the audience would burst out laughing.

One day, he entered the room where he would make his show as usual, but tripped in the stairs; and yelled ''shit''!

The room took three hours to clean.

I tried stand-up before, but it didn't work out. My first audience was a real tough crowd

I was performing in a haunted house and the only responses I got were "boooo".

On the way to a conference, a revered scientist is talking to his chauffeur

The driver asks him:

"–Boss, I've driven you around the country for over 10 years. I've listened to your talks, hundreds of times. I am pretty sure I know everything by heart now. Would you like to make a bet?

—What kind of bet?

—We look alike. You've never talked in this city. ...

A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three.

>!Uno, dos... poof. He disappeared without a tres.!<

As a blind comedian, I've been trying to understand my audience.

But who am I kidding?

Any food allergies in the Audience?

Because this is gonna get a little Corny, and a little Nutty….

More for the British audience...

Anyone betting on the Grand National today, ignore the pundits telling you to bet on Landfill, trust me, its a rubbish tip.

You can say what you want about the open-mic hip-hop audience.

But, they really don't deserve the bad rap.

Why should you always post jokes in American English?

They can reach a wider audience.

Marvel is working on a Spiderman reboot for Greek audiences

Featuring the adventures of Pita Parker

During a show, a magician asked for a volunteer from the audience and a blonde walked up to the stage.



"Think of a number between 1 and 10," he said.

Silence.

After a moment he cleared his throat.

Nothing.

After another moment he asked the blonde, "Are you ready?"

She started crying and said, "If you keep interrupting me I'll never be able to come up with on...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At a U2 concert in Belfast,Ireland

Bono asked the audience for total silence.

Then in the silence he started to clap his hands. Once every few seconds.

Keeping the audience in silence he said into the microphone, “every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.”

From the front of the crowd a broad Irish acc...

I never get school shooting jokes.

Maybe they're aimed at a younger audience.

A young Indian hermit wanted an audience with god..

So, he gave up all his worldly possessions and left society to pray in the woods, he prayed for everyday, then after many many years god appears before him. God: I'm pleased by your dedication, you may ask for anything and I'll grant your wish. Hermit: Okay, but what took you so long...

I knew a Guy who had a Fetish for Studio Audiences

He Came with a Laugh Tack.

Importance of Audience

Father Murphy woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an
exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just
had to play golf.
He told the Associate Priest that he was feeling sick and persuaded
him to say Mass for him that day.
The moment the Associate Priest left...

The driest, most esoteric joke I know.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies ~~I don't think I am"~~ "I think not!" POOF! The horse disappears.

This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the nervous spider say to the audience?

"Forgive me guys, but I've got butterflies in my stomach."

Khrushchev was giving a speech when a heckler in the audience shouted "Why did you never speak out against Stalin?"

Straight away Khrushchev bellowed "WHO SAID THAT?" and there was a rattle of safeties being taken off by his bodyguards. Nobody spoke. Khrushchev bellowed even louder "**WHO. SAID. THAT?!**". He gave a signal, one gesture of his hand. More armed men filed into the hall and stared intently down e...

What's the worst audience you can have?

Ghosts, they always boo.

Why didnt the audience laugh at the giraffe' s joke?

It went over their heads

What's do C-graders have in common with my audience?

They're both extremely mean.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman ,a Scotsman and an Irishman are all going to give speeches to the Deaf Society and are keen to make an impression on their audience…

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin.

When he finishes, the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

"Well…" he explained, "By rubbing my chest, I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Any women in the audience who think I'm a male chauvinist, say "Boooo!"

Every woman in the audience yelled "Booo!"

The speaker said to the crowd, "Obedient little bitches, aren't you?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In audience at jail

Young woman in audience at jail where husband is held. "Mr. Officer, I am here to kindly ask you to give my husband an easier job" " He's sticking labels on cans, it's not too hard, is it? " Son of a bitch , he told me he's digging a tunnel !"

An Italian, an Englishman and an American are granted an audience with God.

The Lord lets them ask a question about the future.

The Italian asks, “I’m a big F1 racing fan. When will Ferrari win another World Championship?” “In 20 years,” says God.

The Italian wails, “I’m an old man. I’ll never get to see my team win a championship.” He starts to cry.
...

Target audience

A nine year old kid disappeared after using a cream that makes you look 10 years younger.

I can't write jokes, but a friend of mine gave me a foolproof formula. He said "Start with a natural set-up, lead the audience in one direction, then hit them with a punch line they weren't expecting."

So here goes:

Walk forwards.

Turn left.

Pasteurization.

Buckingham Palace say the Queen will interrupt her annual stay in Balmoral in Scotland to hold an audience with the incoming new prime minister.

Creaking a bit, with limited mobility, but still doggedly in charge, the Tory party gets its new leader on September 5th.

Why did the audience get mad after the show of the five fingers?

The middle finger forgot to bow.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a ventriloquist is on stage telling jokes at a local bar with his dummy on his leg. He asks if the audience wants to hear a blonde joke and the audience cheers with general enthusiasm...

“Ok” he starts, “how many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?”

But before he can finish, a blonde woman from the audience stands up, outraged.

“How dare you! How dare you generalize us like that just based on our hair color!”

The ventriloquist apologizes profusely ex...

After bombing on stage, the comedian saw audience members waiting for a turn to sock him in the face.

Finally, he had a real punchline.

Beethoven asks his audience: "Is everyone ready to hear some symphonies!?"

The audience cheers as Beethoven exclaims: "I can't hear you!"

Blonde Math

There was once a convention for blondes intended to make them feel more confident.

At the first get together as a group, the host asked for a volunteer from the audience. when the blonde came up he announced to the audience that he was going to ask a few simple, math questions. He turne...

When I get nervous on stage people say "imagine the audience naked"

But that just makes it harder for me.

There’s a great actor who can no longer remember his lines, and when word gets out, no one will hire him.

After many years he finally finds a theater that is prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, “This is the most important part, but it has only one line. You walk out on stage at the opening, carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff...

Why aren’t school shooting jokes funny?

They’re too easy a target, and aimed at a very young audience..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During a U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, Bono asked the audience for total quiet.

Then in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands. Once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

From the front of the crowd, a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet: "Well fuckin...

I told my boss that when I get nervous, I like to imagine my audience naked...

... she said I should probably stop teaching the 2nd grade.

A rookie comedian asks an experienced comedian how he manages to cater his jokes toward his audience.

The comedian gives the newcomer a slip of paper with a website url. “This is a forum for comedians where they trade jokes. It’s perfect to find the right joke for the right occasion.”

So just before his first gig at a tailors convention, he looks up “jokes for tailors” on the forum. He manage...

Do you know why I don't make fat jokes?

Because they wouldn't be appreciated by the wider audience.

Had my first stand up gig in front of an audience tonight

Did not go well.

I started my bit and sone dude started to heckle me.

He was like “hey you, down in front, we’re trying to watch the movie”

How did the lone bass singer blow away the audience?

By singing so low.

Stalin is giving a speech, and someone sneezes.

Stalin looks up from his notes and says, "Who sneezed?" No-one says anything.

Stalin has the first row taken away by KGB to be shot. "Who sneezed?" he asks again. No-one says anything. He has the second row of the audience taken away by the KGB to be shot.

"Comrade Stalin, I sneezed!"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After an orchestra concert, the host asks if there are any musicians in the audience.

Many audience members raise their hands, and the host randomly selects three of them, and invites them on the stage for a quick quiz. The first one turns out to be a pianist, the second one is a singer, and the last one is a drummer.

The host says: "Let's have a quick quiz, shall we? Our pian...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The brave man

At the circus, the lion tamer strolls into the caged ring where there’s one huge lion.

The brave tamer says to the audience,

\- “Watch this.”

He then walked up to the lion, opened its mouth and stuck his willy right in, then he slapped the lion on the head really hard and slo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stalin is giving a big public speech...

... and someone sneezes. Stalin says, "Who sneezed?" Nobody says anything. He looks at a couple of his goons and jerks his head towards the audience. They go pull some random guy out of the crowd and shoot him. Stalin again asks who sneezed. This meek little guy that sneezed can't take it, and steps...

In an attempt to appeal to a wider audience, Hollywood remakes footloose for the Muslim and Jewish world

Its basically the same movie, just without Bacon

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had the worst audience participation at my concert

That's the last time I sing If You're Happy and You Know It at a depression treatment facility.

I saw a stand-up comic doing jokes about botany. Nobody in the audience laughed except one guy.

I looked at him and thought "you're a plant".

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution….

“You don't want to try these techniques at home.”

“Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

“I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She would make lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at...

A comedian tells a joke and no one in the audience laughs, to this he responds...

"Come on people! I do this for a living! Not for dead silence!"

The next LG phone needs to appeal to all audiences and be a plus size phone

We'll call it the LGbtq+

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Religious groups put on performances for an audience

The Christians put on a hell of a show, the Jews knocked their socks off, but the Muslims blew them all away.

I tried telling some jokes to an audience of crickets...

I have no idea if they were funny.

TIL after his show on Netflix was cancelled, Jon Bernthal was forced to take a job as a doorman in a theatre who would occasionally warm up the audience with dad jokes

He became widely known as the pun usher.

A priest was approached one night by Satan himself.

"Do not be frightened," said Satan. "I have an offer to make. I will make you tremendously powerful, famous and rich in return for just one small favour: half of your ability to hear."

The priest was stunned. "Let me think about it for a few days."

The next morning, the priest requeste...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Seven Dwarfs visit the Vatican to have an audience with the Pope.

The audience is going really well but Dopey keeps pulling on Doc's sleeve. Doc says, "Okay, okay I'll ask him!" He turns to the Pope and says,
"Your eminence, Dopey would like to know if there are any nuns who are dwarfs?"
Well the Pope thinks about it, and he consults with his arch bishop, a...

North Korea will send man to Sun in 10 years

Kim Jong-un announced in a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!

A reporter said - "But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on the sun?"

There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react.

Then Kim Jong-un quietly answer...

Sean Spicer said the inauguration had the "largest audience ever."

Then he took it back because your mother left.

The Pope invited Pete Carroll to a private audience.

The Pope needed his advice, apparently Pete was the only man on earth that could get one million people, at the same time, to stand up and say "JESUS CHRIST"

How did I know my joke was not alright with my audience?

They all left.

What did the audience say about the virologist's set at the comedy club?

He had an infectious sense of humor, but needed to work on telling his jokes at a less feverish pace.

An old priest died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven

Next to him was a young Uber driver who died seconds ago from his reckless driving.

The priest was called first, and St Peter said, "For your life long career working for the church, we will give you a small studio where you can stay at for the rest of eternity."

Then St Peter turns to...

What did the home-quarantined stand-up comedian say after he got a laugh from his video chat audience?

"Thanks, I'll be here all week!"

Stalin is giving a long speech at an event, naturally in front of a huge audience. While he's in full flow, somebody near the front of the hall sneezes.

Stalin stops and surveys the crowd.

"Who sneezed?" he asks.

Deathly silence.

"I repeat," says Stalin, "who sneezed?"

Not a peep.

"Very well," says Stalin. "First row, stand up!" Everyone in the first row stands up. "Guards! Open fire!"

A few seconds later, ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.