The 80+ Best Audience Jokes

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem, the captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat!"

"Look, he's hiding the flowers unde...

Thanos' finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.

Apparently only DC movies can do that.

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A Hypnotist was performing in front of a live audience using a pendulum

All of a sudden the pendulum slipped out of his hand and he exclaimed "shit!"

It took 2 weeks to clean that whole place.

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford "The materials we put into our stomach should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But... There is one thing that is the more dangerous to all us...

During a show, a magician asked for a volunteer from the audience and a blonde walked up to the stage.

"Think of a number between 1 and 10," he said.

Silence.

After a moment he cleared his throat.

Nothing.

After another moment he asked the blonde, "Are you ready?"

She started crying and said, "If you keep interrupting me I'll never be able to come up with on...

A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "uno, dos..."

*Poof* ... He disappears without a tres.

An environmentalist was giving a speech and told his audience that if we continue on our present course all life on earth will be gone in 50 years

A member of the audience jumped to his feet and cried out in panic, "What? What did you say?!"

The environmentalist solemnly repeated, "I said if we continue the way we are that every man, woman, and child on earth will be gone in fifty years."

The man sat down in relief and said, "Oh,...

The Martians have landed on Earth, and in meeting the world leaders, they have an audience with the Pope.

The Pope looks at them and asks, "Do you know Jesus?"

The Martian replies, "Oh, Jesus? Great guy! He comes and visits our planet twice every year!"

The Pope is astonished! It's been close to 2000 years since he was here and we're still waiting on his second coming."

The Martian ...

I just watched an Australian cooking show and the audience cheered when the chef made meringue.

I was surprised...usually Australians boo meringue.

The CEO of KFC requests an audience with the Pope.

After some discussion, the CEO tells the Pope that he has a proposition. The company will make a $1 billion donation to the Catholic Church on one condition- that the Lord’s Prayer wording be officially changed from “give us this day our daily bread” to “give us this day our daily chicken.”
The p...

I can't write jokes, but a friend of mine gave me a foolproof formula. He said "Start with a natural set-up, lead the audience in one direction, then hit them with a punch line they weren't expecting."

So here goes:

Walk forwards.

Turn left.

Pasteurization.

How do you address an audience full of dried seeds?

"Ladies and lentil-men...."

I tried stand-up before, but it didn't work out. My first audience was a real tough crowd

I was performing in a haunted house and the only responses I got were "boooo".

The sound from a musician on stage bounces off the auditorium walls to surround the audience.

But the sound from a pigeon doesn't do that.

That's because a coo sticks.

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Bono started clapping slowly between songs during a U2 concert. "Every time I clap my hands a child in Africa dies from starvation", he told the audience

Some guy at the front shouted, "Well stop fucking doing it then!"

^actually ^a ^true ^story

A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three.

>!Uno, dos... poof. He disappeared without a tres.!<

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An Englishman ,a Scotsman and an Irishman are all going to give speeches to the Deaf Society and are keen to make an impression on their audience…

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin.

When he finishes, the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

"Well…" he explained, "By rubbing my chest, I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing m...

You can say what you want about the open-mic hip-hop audience.

But, they really don't deserve the bad rap.

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A Jew Seeks Audience with The Pope

A Jew applied for an audience with the Pope. After insistently waiting for three days and refusing to budge, he was finally granted one.

"Your Holiness, I come from a long line of cooks," said the Jew.

"That's very nice," said the Pope. "What can I do for you?"

"My father was a ...

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I know a hypnotist who could control the whole audience.

He'd enter the room, say 'sleep' and everyone would fall asleep.
He'd say ''laugh'', the audience would burst out laughing.

One day, he entered the room where he would make his show as usual, but tripped in the stairs; and yelled ''shit''!

The room took three hours to clean.

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The speaker at a horror conference asks the audience...

"Do you like ghosts?"

"Yes," everyone says.

"Do you believe in ghosts?"

"Yes," everyone says.

"Have you ever seen a ghost?"

"Yes," half the room says.

"Have you ever talked to a ghost?"

"Yes," a few people say.

"Have you ever shagged a ghost...

Stalin is giving a speech in front of a large audience.

Suddenly, he's interrupted by a loud sneeze. Stalin stops talking and asks in an ominous tone: "Who just sneezed?" The audience is silent.

"Very well," says Stalin. "We'll do it my way, and believe me, I *will* identify the sneezer." The audience dares not speak.

"Very well," says Sta...

Buckingham Palace say the Queen will interrupt her annual stay in Balmoral in Scotland to hold an audience with the incoming new prime minister.

Creaking a bit, with limited mobility, but still doggedly in charge, the Tory party gets its new leader on September 5th.

As a blind comedian, I've been trying to understand my audience.

But who am I kidding?

Beethoven to his audience:

Beethoven: Make some noise for the next symphony

Audience: YEAAAAAAAAA!!!

Beethoven: I can't hear you

Khrushchev was giving a speech when a heckler in the audience shouted "Why did you never speak out against Stalin?"

Straight away Khrushchev bellowed "WHO SAID THAT?" and there was a rattle of safeties being taken off by his bodyguards. Nobody spoke. Khrushchev bellowed even louder "**WHO. SAID. THAT?!**". He gave a signal, one gesture of his hand. More armed men filed into the hall and stared intently down e...

Why couldn't the comedian in a wheelchair get an audience?

He couldn't do Stand Up comedy!

TIL after his show on Netflix was cancelled, Jon Bernthal was forced to take a job as a doorman in a theatre who would occasionally warm up the audience with dad jokes

He became widely known as the pun usher.

A Joke for any feet in the audience

Sock Sock

Shoe's there

Marvel is working on a Spiderman reboot for Greek audiences

Featuring the adventures of Pita Parker

I knew a Guy who had a Fetish for Studio Audiences

He Came with a Laugh Tack.

An Italian, an Englishman and an American are granted an audience with God.

The Lord lets them ask a question about the future.

The Italian asks, “I’m a big F1 racing fan. When will Ferrari win another World Championship?” “In 20 years,” says God.

The Italian wails, “I’m an old man. I’ll never get to see my team win a championship.” He starts to cry.
...

Why did the audience get mad after the show of the five fingers?

The middle finger forgot to bow.

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"Any women in the audience who think I'm a male chauvinist, say "Boooo!"

Every woman in the audience yelled "Booo!"

The speaker said to the crowd, "Obedient little bitches, aren't you?"

Any food allergies in the Audience?

Because this is gonna get a little Corny, and a little Nutty….

A rookie comedian asks an experienced comedian how he manages to cater his jokes toward his audience.

The comedian gives the newcomer a slip of paper with a website url. “This is a forum for comedians where they trade jokes. It’s perfect to find the right joke for the right occasion.”

So just before his first gig at a tailors convention, he looks up “jokes for tailors” on the forum. He manage...

A young Indian hermit wanted an audience with god..

So, he gave up all his worldly possessions and left society to pray in the woods, he prayed for everyday, then after many many years god appears before him. God: I'm pleased by your dedication, you may ask for anything and I'll grant your wish. Hermit: Okay, but what took you so long...

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So a ventriloquist is on stage telling jokes at a local bar with his dummy on his leg. He asks if the audience wants to hear a blonde joke and the audience cheers with general enthusiasm...

“Ok” he starts, “how many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?”

But before he can finish, a blonde woman from the audience stands up, outraged.

“How dare you! How dare you generalize us like that just based on our hair color!”

The ventriloquist apologizes profusely ex...

I told my boss that when I get nervous, I like to imagine my audience naked...

... she said I should probably stop teaching the 2nd grade.

Why didnt the audience laugh at the giraffe' s joke?

It went over their heads

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During a U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, Bono asked the audience for total quiet.

Then in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands. Once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

From the front of the crowd, a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet: "Well fuckin...

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A famous magician is doing a show one night in front of a packed audience. All is going well, the people love his acts, until this one guy shouts "Aaahhh, that's bullshit! That's not magic, that's just tricks! Any idiot can do that!"

Unfazed, the magician continues, doing another one of his best acts until the same unruly guy shouts "Oh come on! Everybody knows that's just tricks, that's not real magic!"

The magician, a little rattled at this point, decides to pull out his best ever act, and cuts a guy in half on stag...

What's do C-graders have in common with my audience?

They're both extremely mean.

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What did the nervous spider say to the audience?

"Forgive me guys, but I've got butterflies in my stomach."

Beethoven asks his audience: "Is everyone ready to hear some symphonies!?"

The audience cheers as Beethoven exclaims: "I can't hear you!"

Two figures watched from the balcony as the performance of "The King in Yellow" came to an end. Turning to the audience, they watched those unfortunate enough to still be alive turn on each other. Hideous screams and mad laughter echoed as blood flew through air. Finally, one of the figures spoke.

"Well, looks like the play drove the audience completely insane. They're ripping each other apart down there!"

"After paying twenty bucks for tickets to that snooze-fest, I feel like going crazy too!"

*"Do-ho-ho-ho-hoh!"*

Netflix is soon releasing an extremely realistic documentary series about the life of Abraham Lincoln.

The finale is shot before a live audience.

In an attempt to appeal to a wider audience, Hollywood remakes footloose for the Muslim and Jewish world

Its basically the same movie, just without Bacon

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This is a long one that requires audience interaction. It’s always given me great return.

To preface this joke: you may alter the story as you see fit. Make it personal and use elements of your real life to make this a convincing story. The only key points that must be consistent will be highlighted in the text. The audience interaction will be italicized.

_________

The Cat...

Stalin is giving a long speech at an event, naturally in front of a huge audience. While he's in full flow, somebody near the front of the hall sneezes.

Stalin stops and surveys the crowd.

"Who sneezed?" he asks.

Deathly silence.

"I repeat," says Stalin, "who sneezed?"

Not a peep.

"Very well," says Stalin. "First row, stand up!" Everyone in the first row stands up. "Guards! Open fire!"

A few seconds later, ...

A comedian tells a joke and no one in the audience laughs, to this he responds...

"Come on people! I do this for a living! Not for dead silence!"

The next LG phone needs to appeal to all audiences and be a plus size phone

We'll call it the LGbtq+

What's the worst audience you can have?

Ghosts, they always boo.

I saw a stand-up comic doing jokes about botany. Nobody in the audience laughed except one guy.

I looked at him and thought "you're a plant".

The personal assistant enters Stalin's office to announce to him: "Comrade Stalin, a clairvoyant is waiting outside demanding an audience with you. He says that he is able to foresee the future."

Stalin, still bent over the table, calmly replies: "He shall be executed. If he really foresaw the future, he would never want to meet me."

The keynote speaker for the medical conference walked up to the stage. "Before I begin," he started, "is there anyone in the audience from Connecticut? "

A couple members of the audience raised their hands. "Ok, thank you. You may put your hands down; I needed to check the accuracy of my CT scans."

The driest, most esoteric joke I know.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies ~~I don't think I am"~~ "I think not!" POOF! The horse disappears.

This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to...

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After an orchestra concert, the host asks if there are any musicians in the audience.

Many audience members raise their hands, and the host randomly selects three of them, and invites them on the stage for a quick quiz. The first one turns out to be a pianist, the second one is a singer, and the last one is a drummer.

The host says: "Let's have a quick quiz, shall we? Our pian...

A priest was approached one night by Satan himself.

"Do not be frightened," said Satan. "I have an offer to make. I will make you tremendously powerful, famous and rich in return for just one small favour: half of your ability to hear."

The priest was stunned. "Let me think about it for a few days."

The next morning, the priest requeste...

Why should you always post jokes in American English?

They can reach a wider audience.

A third rate magician is doing magic shows on a second rate cruise ship (Long)

The pay is good, the accommodation is comfortable, the food is excellent, and the two show a day workload is easy. The mainly elderly audience seem to enjoy his show which is unoriginal but has the polish of hundreds of repetitions. All in all, it's started out as a great gig except for one glaring ...

What did the home-quarantined stand-up comedian say after he got a laugh from his video chat audience?

"Thanks, I'll be here all week!"

Help! Performing in front of a deaf audience, and need an appropriate opening joke or two (plus my favorite three little pig joke)

Tomorrow I'm conducting a charity benefit for a large state wide deaf education foundation. I'll be in front of ~500 people talking. I Want at least one slightly edgy jokes that would cater to this sort of rich (and largely deaf) audience.

"Once upon a time, Three Little Pigs walk into a ...

Had my first stand up gig in front of an audience tonight

Did not go well.

I started my bit and sone dude started to heckle me.

He was like “hey you, down in front, we’re trying to watch the movie”

There’s a great actor who can no longer remember his lines, and when word gets out, no one will hire him.

After many years he finally finds a theater that is prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, “This is the most important part, but it has only one line. You walk out on stage at the opening, carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff...

Comedians will often ask rhetorical questions in order to get the audience on board with them or to relate to them.

How stupid is that?!

Importance of Audience

Father Murphy woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an
exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just
had to play golf.
He told the Associate Priest that he was feeling sick and persuaded
him to say Mass for him that day.
The moment the Associate Priest left...

My comedian friend told me that a good joke leads the audience down a familiar path and then gives them a punchline they weren't expecting.

So I drove him back to his house and shat in his refrigerator.

Why aren’t school shooting jokes funny?

They’re too easy a target, and aimed at a very young audience..

How did the lone bass singer blow away the audience?

By singing so low.

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TIL Nickleback, tired and at their last show across Europe (in Portugal), had roadies throw things at them from within the audience during the show. The lead singer used it as an excuse to walk off stage, thus getting them out of having to perform.

Just kidding. It was their fans throwing shit at them because everyone hates Nickleback even their fans.

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In audience at jail

Young woman in audience at jail where husband is held. "Mr. Officer, I am here to kindly ask you to give my husband an easier job" " He's sticking labels on cans, it's not too hard, is it? " Son of a bitch , he told me he's digging a tunnel !"

People always say that when you're nervous while giving a presentation to picture the audience in their underwear

I'll never look at my grandparents the same ever again

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The Seven Dwarfs visit the Vatican to have an audience with the Pope.

The audience is going really well but Dopey keeps pulling on Doc's sleeve. Doc says, "Okay, okay I'll ask him!" He turns to the Pope and says,
"Your eminence, Dopey would like to know if there are any nuns who are dwarfs?"
Well the Pope thinks about it, and he consults with his arch bishop, a...

What did the audience say about the virologist's set at the comedy club?

He had an infectious sense of humor, but needed to work on telling his jokes at a less feverish pace.

Last year I wrote a joke about how I hold grudges, the audience didn't laugh.

I still hate them.

Target audience

A nine year old kid disappeared after using a cream that makes you look 10 years younger.

I tried telling some jokes to an audience of crickets...

I have no idea if they were funny.

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I had the worst audience participation at my concert

That's the last time I sing If You're Happy and You Know It at a depression treatment facility.

An old priest died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven

Next to him was a young Uber driver who died seconds ago from his reckless driving.

The priest was called first, and St Peter said, "For your life long career working for the church, we will give you a small studio where you can stay at for the rest of eternity."

Then St Peter turns to...

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