UPJOKE
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Step Jokes

Step by step guide on how to fall down stairs

Step 1:

Step 2:

Step 4:

Step 7:

Step 12:

Step 18:

Step 25:

Hospital
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Ebay needs to step their game up.

I searched for a cigarette lighter and 15,000 matches came up.
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How do you get rich in Ancient Greece? Well, step one, become an oracle. Step two:

Prophet.
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A man answers his door and finds a piano tuner waiting on the step. 'Can I help' says the man 'I haven't ordered a piano tuner'

'I know you haven't' replies the piano tuner 'Your neighbours did for you'
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Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.

Neil before me.
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Do you know the one step to avoiding clickbait?

Obviously not.

gg y'all, inbox = rekt
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Donald Trump is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts "Mickey Mouse!" This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent's supervisor takes him aside and asks, "What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?"

Blushing, the agent replies, "I got nervous. I...
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Johnny sits at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig, and menacingly says, “Well thank you! Whatcha gonna to do about it?"

Johnny burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying. What’s your problem?"

"This is the worst day of my life," Johnny says. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot...
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Elon Musk lands on Mars and steps out of his spaceship

### "It's a small step for a man, but a giant leap for mankind," says the ground control officer and cuts off all communications.
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A woman steps in front of a bus and dies instantly.

She finds herself at the pearly gates, being greeted by God himself.



He looks the woman up and down, and says "Hm... Strange. It's not your time! I'm sending you back."

"Sending me back? How long until it IS my time?" she asks.

"Worry not, my child. You have many, many m...
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When I was little, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason!

So I've worked all my life to invent a time machine of my own, and I'm going back to when he was little and we'll see how he likes the taste of his own medicine.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...

Little bastards didn’t stand a chance…

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A gunman stops a driver driving through a scary countryside road and says "Step out of the car and take your dick out..."

Driver: *freezes at this unexpected turn of events*

Gunman: *In a louder voice* "Do it"

Driver: "Please don't shoot. I'll do whatever you ask"

Driver proceeds to step out of the car and take his pants off.

Gunman: "Now start masturbating or I'll put a bullet in your head"...

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Superman is taking an evening stroll past the church when the Minister runs down the steps calling for his help.

"Superman, we need your help, a wall has collapsed in the basement, some workmen are trapped!" says the Minister.

"No way" said Superman "I'm not going near the crypt tonight".

One step.. two step.. three step.. four step.. five step.. six step.. do you know what this is?

Stairway to Seven.



That was a dumb joke, but it was the first thing that popped in my head this morning.
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A joke I remember making up when I was 7 : What do you get when a giant steps on a house?

Mushrooms
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A few years ago I had a proud (step)dad moment I think this sub will like..

This was right after picking her up from preschool. She was usually a bit grumpy and I always tried to be fun and keep the drive home more upbeat.

 

Her: "I'm hungry."

Me: "Nice to meet you, hungry, I'm dad."

Her: "Ahhhhgh could you not say that anymore?"

...
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Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter

Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “Donald Trump Sucks” written in urine across the snow.

Well, he's is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells “Somebody wrote an insult i...
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NSFW On a baking hot day, the Pope steps into the shower to cool down.

He is overcome by the urge to bang one out, and just as he releases the holy seed he sees a flash of reflected sunlight across the street through the open window and realises someone has been taking photos.
Furious, he gets on his shower intercom and demands the Swiss Guard find the photographer ...
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Whatever you do, don't step on a duck.

Three guys got into a car crash and all died. They all get up to heaven and meet St. Peter at the gates. St. Peter said "Okay everyone can come in, but whatever you do don't step on a duck." The gates open and there are ducks everywhere, all over the floor, on tabletops, everywhere.
The first gu...
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Woman: "I am going to be your step godmother."

Harry Potter: "Are you fucking Sirius?"

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I just failed a fire safety course when they asked what steps I would take in case of an explosion.

Apparently “Fucking large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.

A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor...

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. “I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.” “Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant. “No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”
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I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose.

No one does that to a woman, not on my watch...
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What's the difference between a stepping stool and a miniature 3D printer?

The former is a little ladder and the latter is a little former.
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Step 1. Burning bush

Step 2. ????

Step 3. PROPHET!
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As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and
...

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George Washington and his men are looking for a place to stay one night after a long fight against the British...

After marching through the woods for some hours, they find a farm. Washington knocks on the door and the farmer answers. Washington says "excuse me sir, I'm sorry to bother you. My men and I have been fighting the British all day, and are very tired. Can you put us up for the night?" The farmer look...

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It the event of a fire, what steps should you take?

Fucking large ones.

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A son ask his dad "Dad, how can I take the next step with my girl? We kissed and all, but I don't know how to proceed... "

His dad answers "Listen to me son, do what I did with your mother. I treated her to a romantic dinner, took her home and brought her to her room. We're there, I look at her, and she looks at me. I look at her she looks at me, I look at her she looks at me, I move her panties away and put it in! " ...

My step-sister walked into my room one day and she says, "Hey, big brother... take off my shirt."

So I took off her shirt.

Then she says, "Take off my skirt..."

So I took off her skirt.

Then she says, "Take off my bra and panties..."

So I took off her bra and panties.

Then she says, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, I'm telling mom and dad!"
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I walked past a boy sitting on the steps of the local YMCA stroking a large, white feather.

I said "Young man, there's no need to feel down"
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Jesus, Moses, and an old man are playing golf. They step up to a par 3.

Jesus is up first. He drives the ball short, into the water trap in front of the green. So Jesus, being Jesus, walks on the water, chips the ball onto the green and putts for par.

Moses is next. He drives the ball into the same water trap. So Moses, being Moses, parts the water, chips the bal...
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What does a dog do that a man steps in?

Pants. What’s brown and sticky?

A stick.

I’m looking for a third joke with a punchline that appears to be, but isn’t, feces related. Please help me finish my pseudo-poop dad joke trifecta.

The ground trembles with my every step.

I have installed the floorboards incorrectly.
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TIFU: While our for a walk in Paris, I stepped on a snail.

Now I’m being haunted by an escarghost.
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A girl with tight skirt tries to get on a bus....

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarras...
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They say a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

So does walking in front of an oncoming train.
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What did the Pink Panther say when he stepped on a bug?

Dead ant. Dead ant. Dead ant dead ant dead ant dead ant dead ant.
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A step to far

Bill Clintons and George Bush go out for lunch when the waitress comes over to take the order she's a bit flustered and has to say that she was a big fan of George when he was in his chair as president and she voted for him and she supported him the whole way she said I'll be right back to take your...
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What's better than a step-rooster named Steve?

A step-hen named Stephen
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Why do I have a step ladder?

Because I never knew my real ladder.
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What do you call a snobby criminal walking down the steps?

A condescending con descending.
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There’s a 12-step program for pun users.

But it dozen work.
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Take steps to avoid this...

Gossiping in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.
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If there was an award for taking the fewest steps in a day..

I wouldn't get it because I wouldn't walk up to the stage to receive the award.
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Where did little Timmy go after stepping on a landmine?

Everywhere.
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Step-dad tells his step-son to clean his room

Step-son: Am I going to have to pour hot melted cheese all over myself?

Step-dad: Why would you have to do that?

Step-son: To remind you that I'm NACHO son
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Three women die and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says: “We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!”

So they enter heaven, and there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and s...
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A mathematician and an engineer play a game to get laid…

At the other end of this room,” the Game Master points out, “is a beautiful, young, naked, consenting woman. If you reach her, she will fulfill any and all of your fantasies.”

The mathematician and engineer both look at each other with excitement.

“The only rule is that each step you...
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Don't step on the chickens

Three men die and come to the pearly gates. They swing open and they hear the voice of god booming: "Be welcome to heaven, but don't step on the chickens!" and as far as the eye can see there are chickens EVERYWHERE.

One guy is like, "forget this!" and instantly steps on a chicken. They hear ...
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One step at a time

Divorced dad: Son I'm going to marry again

Son: so I'm going to have a step mom

Dad: also she is pregnant

Son: oh no please one step at a time
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An Afghan man named Ahmed is walking down a dirt road with his wife ahead of him a few steps.

He meets another man going the opposite way.

"Salam aleikum, brother" he says.

"Aleikum Assalam" replies Ahmed.

"Did you know that the Great Prophet would never allow a woman to walk ahead of him?" asks the man.

Ahmed replies, "And did you know that there were no minefiel...
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What's the first step when dating a country girl?

A tractor.
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Forgiving your enemy brings you one step closer to God

But being pushed down a Flight of stairs by said enemy brings you to God faster
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Step 1 - fool people into believing you've been chosen by God to spread his word

Step 2 - prophet
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The seven dwarves went to the Vatican and when the Pope answered the door, Dopey stepped forward...

"Your Excellency," he said. "I wonder if you could tell me if there are any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

"No, Dopey, there aren't," the Pope replied.

Behind Dopey, the six dwarfs started to titter.

"Well, are there any dwarf nuns in Italy?" Dopey persisted.

"No, none in Italy,...

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It takes a slug three and a half hours to make its way up the front steps of a house. When he finally gets there, he knocks on the door.

A man answers, curses at the slug, bends over, picks it up, and throws it as far as he can.


2 years later, the slug returns and again knocks on the door. The man opens the door, and the slug looks at him and says, "What the fuck was that all about?

What do you call a 1000 rabbit stepping backwards?

A receding hare line!

Tap snare!
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An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet.

An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet. The alien's are so excited that they change all their signs to English, and even rename some of their places and landmarks after Human places and landmarks and things.
The astronaut decides the first place he wants to go is a pub. He sees ...
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I got in trouble for telling my step dad he’s not my real dad.

Guess he’s a faux pa.
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My wife hates to step on a scale

Because everytime she does, we have to replace it
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I'm one step closer to being rich.

Now I just need money.
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Why wasn't the elf allowed to use the step ladder to decorate the Christmas tree?

Because of 'elf and safety restrictions.
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A powerful Emperor advertised for a new Chief Samurai. Only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai,

Number One Samurai, "Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and "swish"; the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

"What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Sam...

A set of steps asked another set of steps how they got so big.

The other set of steps said: "Stair-oids."
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Here are two steps to take if you are ever stuck on a desserted island.

Step 1: Check spelling.

Step 2: If correct, enjoy.
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1-step guide for Asexual Reproduction

Go fuck yourself

What are the two steps to marrying a country girl?

First; a tractor.


Next; fertilizer.
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How to become a millionaire:

Step One: Be a billionaire

Step Two: Short sell $GME
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An elephant steps on an anthill

The ants start climbing up the huge male elephant’s leg, and the elephant starts to shake its body trying to get rid of the large amount of pissed off ants.

It moves so desperately that after a while they start falling off. Finally, there is only one ant left behind the elephant’s head, as th...

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A guy says to his wife: "Thanks to that new scale you bought, I always know how much I poop!"

Wife: "So you step on the scale before you poop, go to the toilet, step on the scale again and the difference is the weight of your poop?”

He: “Oh, yeah, I guess you could also do it that way...”

Two women go to heaven and meet St Peter

He told the two women you can do anything you want here in heaven but please do not step on a duck because they make a terrible noise and racket.

The two women agreed and entered heaven. One day, one of the women accidently stepped on a duck and sure enough it made such a terrible noise and ...
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Two easy steps to become a millionaire

1: Be a billionaire

2: Set up businesses in Russia
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OnlyFans launched a new step sibling content adult website...

They call it OnlyFams!
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When there is a conflict between two small states, the UN steps in and the conflict vanishes.

When there is a conflict between a small state and a large state, the UN steps in and the small state vanishes.

When there is a conflict between two big states, the UN vanishes.
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LPT: Follow the given three steps in order to successfully accomplish a murder.

1. Set out a few high-mounted boxes with hole in the front of them.
2. Scatter about several boxes filled with cashews.
3. Be sure to do this in a place crows frequent.
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One of the first steps toward becoming a man...

One day, the father of a young boy decides that it's time to teach his son how to pee standing up.

"Alright, son, this is one thing that will help you become a man. It's a privilege we have that women do not, so it's important to take advantage of it. All you have to do is follow these nine s...

Jeff Bezos stepped down as CEO of Amazon.

Quit when he was in his Prime.
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Chuck Norris once stepped on a crack, it apologized and fixed his mom's back.

There was a posts I found last night where people shared Chuck Norris jokes and I wanted to share a (hopefully) original one.
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One small step for Man

A friend of Neil Armstrong said when you landed on the moon,
in all the excitement, how the hell did you come up with that great saying …

One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind?

Just Amazing to be able to come up with that, on the spur of the moment!

Neil said i d...
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I told my carpenter I didn't want carpeted steps.

He gave me a blank stair.
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Three sisters die in a car crash.

Three sister die in a car crash. All three sisters make it up to heaven where they are greeted by God himself. God opens the pearly gates to reveal ducks everywhere

God says “Welcome to heaven, there is only one rule here. The only thing you can not do is step on any of the ducks so you must...
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A guy walks out on his porch and finds a snail climbing the steps.

Not wanting to step on it, he picks it up and throws it across the yard. About a week later, he goes out on his porch and finds the same snail climbing the steps again. The snail looks at him and says, “What the fuck did you do that for?”

Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper left on my front step.

I have fallen on some hard Times.
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Poland has stepped up in support of Ukraine

they’ve stationed 10,000 troops on their border with France.
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My two favorite things are fucking my step sister and not using commas.

I also can't count.

I gave step counter to my son.

He managed to do 12,000 steps without leaving his room.
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The 3 step Chinese torture

A guy comes to a Chinese house in the middle of nowhere. Being late he ask to sleep in their house. The dad accepts but says: "If you sleep with my daughter I will use the 3 step Chinese torture on you!"

The guy accepts and enters the house. The daughter is stunning beautiful. Also she flirts...
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I stepped on a rusty Lego the other day...

I'm worried I might have contracted Tetris.
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Step 1: Travel back in time

Step 2: Impress people with your ability to predict the future

Step 3: ???

Step 4: Prophet
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A guy was in an elevator one day & noticed an attractive woman running to make it before the door closed.

He held the door for her to get in and then politely asked her “what floor?” “3rd floor” she replied, “ I come here once a month to donate blood & they pay me $50”
“That’s a coincidence” said the guy because I come here once a month myself, donate semen & they pay me $200”. Just then th...

I stepped on a cereal once

Now iam a cereal killer
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An octopus slinks into a dark room with a gun in each arm.

He hears a soft chuckle coming from the corner. “You’re one short, my friend,” says the cat as he steps into view.
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A man steps into a brothel (nsfw)

He approaches the head mistress and says what can I get for $5? The head mistress takes him to a room with a morbidly obese woman. He doesn't enjoy it but it got the job done.

Next week he goes back and tells the mistress he only has $4 this time so she takes him to a room with a chicken in...

A bright young executive had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech firm. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and handed him three numbered envelopes.

“Open these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can handle,” he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a nosedive and he was really catching a lot of heat from the board. At wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer ...
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Four older gentlemen are out golfing, sharing about their lives and eventually the topic of their children's professional success is brought up. The first guy steps up, hurriedly takes his shot, wiffs the ball off into the woods, and starts walking to find his ball without saying a word...

The second man steps up to take his shot and confidently reports, "My son is doing pretty well. He's just been promoted to manager of the car dealership he works at. In fact, he's doing so well gave the last lady he was seeing a brand new sports car." Then he takes takes a swing and drives the ball ...

What did the cell say to his sister when she stepped on his foot?

Mitosis
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It is said regarding motivation that “the first step is always the hardest”…

As someone with plantar fasciitis, I could not agree more.
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This is my step ladder

He’s pretty useful around the house yet I’m still salty I never met my real ladder..
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Tommy comes back off his holiday with his mum and his step dad and the teacher asks him...

"Hello Tommy, did you enjoy your holiday?"

"I did Teacher"

"And did your stepdad take you out, show you things, go exploring?"

"Yes he did teacher, he took me out rowing 1/2 a mile into the lake every day, and then I'd swim back."

"Oh, well, um, it's an awful long way to ...
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A man working a 9-5 office job starts feeling worthless and decides to make a career change into the adult film industry

He starts off with vanilla stuff and builds up his self-esteem. He then decides to go for the more fetishized stuff and gets cast making incest films as the role of step-dad.

He wakes up one day and realizes how happy he's become since he started coming into his own.
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What do you call taking a shower on the way down some steps?

A de-scent.
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Pornhub could increase there viewership in the southern states...

If they just dropped "step" from all titles

3 steps to fix anything

1. Try duct tape, if that doesn't work, see 2


2. Try gorilla glue, if that doesn't work, see 3


3. Try J.B. Weld, if that doesn't work, C4
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4 former US Presidents are caught in a tornado

Four former U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ.

After trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL WIZARD OF OZ? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

Jimmy Carter...
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My step sis asked me to bring her something hard to write on...

Idk why she's so mad, it's really hard to write on scrambled eggs.
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Jesus, Chuck Norris and the Pope are sitting in a boat in the middle of a lake.

They decide to get to the shore, so Jesus leaves the boat first and walks over the water to the shore.

Chuck Norris leaves second and also walks over the water to the shore.

The Pope, being baffled, also tries to take a step out of the boat but immediately falls in, so he has to swim t...
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"How to break up with your girlfriend" A two-step process:

Step 1: take off your glasses

Step 2: say: 'I'm afraid I can't see you anymore!'
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Do you ever wonder if your house is haunted? Follow this easy step by step process to find out for sure!

Step 1: it isn’t.
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Stalin wakes up one morning and steps onto his balcony.

He sees the sunrise.

"Good morning, Comrade Sun" says Stalin.

"Good morning, Comrade Stalin," replies the sun.

Later in the afternoon, as Stalin steps outside, he says,

"Good afternoon, Comrade Sun."

"Good afternoon, Comrade Stalin," the sun replies.

At suns...

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