This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I dont own this joke. But i havent forgotten about it for five years.

Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?"

Father: "Sure son. What's the question?"

Son: "What is Politics?"

Father: "Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me "Capitalism". your mother is the administra...

One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil.

“You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll ...

The number of Firefox users in Bikini Bottom is dwindling...

In the future everything will be Chrome.

Twenty thousand years into the future...

The astrobiology intern suddenly perks up at his station.
Intern: "Professor, we're receiving a periodic transmission from the direction of the Fr36 planetoids. I've converted the transmission into base 10 numerals and it keeps saying 14-5-22-5-18 7-15-14-14-1 7-9-22-5 25-15-21 21-16"
Professo...

— My watch can predict the future!

— That's impossible! Can you prove it?

— Sure! — glances at the watch — Right now it's saying you have no panties.

— You see? That is wrong, I have panties on right now.

— Oh, I'm sorry, its 10 minutes fast...

The past, present, and future walk into a bar.

It was tense.

What is America’s future largest export?

Unwanted babies

One day co-workers Alice and Bob were talking over the water cooler. Soon the conversation turned to Alice's husband Walter and his plans for the future.

"He's up for a promotion, but he's kinda screwed. He'd be moving up from the mail room to a position with some management responsibilities, but he never actually graduated college and that's usually a requirement. They like him though, so there's just one course he has to take and get a good grade i...

Janet Jackson wanted to sample a Future song so she asked his production company if she could use Beast Mode. The production company sent a representative to her door with a CD. She asked if it was Beast Mode

The representative said “Sorry Ms. Jackson, this is Fo Real”

A man walks into his doctor's office and says "Doctor! Doctor! I think I can see into the future"

"When did this start?" The doctor asks
"Next Tuesday" the man replies

If you drink the blue liquid inside of a magic 8 ball, you can see the future.

It’s true. My friend Carl drank one and said “I’m dying”, and then he did.

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

Little Johnny has an assignment from school to describe society and how it works. (Long)

Now, being a little kid he had no idea what to do, so he asked his dad for help. His dad said “ OK, so first think of me as the President, your mum as the Congress, the maid as the workforce and your baby brother as the future. Now see what happens and write that up.”

So Johnny did this and f...

I can travel into the future!

One second at a time.

Think of a dark future where humanity has to take to the stars because earth is no longer inhabitable.

That's unsettling

When in future, technology figures out how to brighten our homes without light bulbs,

I will be delighted

My poor reading skills ruined my future as a pimp

But now I own a warehouse

After a long discussion about our future, my partner and I decided to name our first born ‘No Pun’.

That way they’ll certainly be aware that they weren’t intended.

A man goes to a fortune teller to see his future.

The fortune teller says: "Oh, I see that on Friday, your wife will die."
"I already know that," replies the man, "what I need to know is whether I will be arrested..."

What’s the future tense of England?

Brexit.

Next year I will have a clearer vision for my future

It's gonna be 20/20.

Teachers say that our dreams are the future

But they dont let us sleep in class

My uncle once got his DeLorean up to 88 mph, and ended up 30 years in the future.

That's how long he got for hitting all those people at the bus stop.

My dogs can see one year into the future...

Because houndsight is 20/20

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Who can tell your butt's future?

An ass-trologist

What does Ron Weasley become when he uses Hermione's time turner to travel into the past and then the future?

Earlier Ron and then later Ron.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man really wanted to learn the art of future-telling...

He is told to visit Old Man Baboo on top of the hill to learn this skill.

He proceeds to climb the hill and gets to Old Man Baboo's house.

"So you want to learn how to tell the future, huh?"

"Yes, teach me please"

"Ok, first come in and follow me"

"Ok, Old Man Babb...

What rodent helps reduce your risk when trading livestock futures?

A hedgehog

Megan and Harry's future child

If Harry and Megan had a boy and named him "Artist" then changed his name he would be
The prince formerly known as Artist

I just had a terrible dream. In a dystopian future, robots controlled every aspect of our lives.

Good thing my alarm woke me up.

A man with 12 kids visits his Dr., asking for advice on how to prevent future pregnancies...

“Have you tried condoms?” Asks the Dr.

“I did, and it resulted in 3 kids!” said the man.

“Have you tried birth control?”

“I did! And it resulted in another 3 kids!”

“Have you tried IUD (intrauterine implants)?”

“I did! And it resulted in 3 kids!”

Confounde...

Disney has announced that all future Marvel movies will have an all male cast.

They are doing their part to combat the heroine epidemic.

Three babies were in the womb talking amongst themselves about their future

They get on the topic of what they want to be when they are born and grow up.

The first baby says: "when I get older, I want to be a molder of young minds! A teacher is what I'm aiming for."

The second baby says: "when I'm a adult, I want to heal and save people! I'll be a doctor." ...

When separating, what did present tense say to future tense?

See you later.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So in 2018: my love left me, my dream is likely unreachable now, my future plan is shit and I have $15 in my bank account...

My life fits this sub so well.

I’m from a future where Trump won re-election and solved Global Warming

Just a heads up though, nuclear winter is a bit chilly.

My law firm specializes in grain futures contracts.

Barley Legal

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The past, present and future are talking in a bar

"We're fucked," said future. "I can see it."

"Live for today friend," present replied.

Past pounded the table. "Impossible! Historically, this is the worst it's ever been!"

The bartender looked up. "Relax! Is it always this tense when you guys argue?"

200Years in the future.

A team of the smartest people on earth go to a distant planet, believed to have life. When they land they're greeted by 3aliens. They speak perfect english.

"Leave outsiders. This is our home planet, only trusted individuals are allowed here!"

The space group is quite surprised by t...

In the future there will be kids shouting jokes like...

Yo mama’s so old that when the Dentist told her to floss she started to dance.

What do you call a banana from the future?

Bañana

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So I recently got engaged, and used to visit my future in-laws' house quite frequently...

My fiance had a step sister, who used to tease me a lot. She used to stared at me across the dining table, used to bend down while wearing a skirt, etc.

A couple of days before the wedding, she called me at the house to help her make the invitation cards. When I arrived, there was no one at t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The first time I saw Back to the Future, it was at a theater in Alabama. As I was watching, I thought, "Oh my God, he's going to fuck his mom!"

Thankfully though, before they were actually able to do it, the usher came and chucked them both out.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A psychic looked into the future..

She saw a billboard of multiple penises ejaculating.

She left her trance in shock. Her apprentice, worried, asked "What did you see?"

The psychic said somberly "A sign of things to cum..."

In what way is the future generation of fortnite dancers like alcohol?

They’re both depressants

A cryogenically frozen man is woken up in the future...

He is greeted by a beautiful nurse.

Nurse: Congratulations, sir, it's the year 2318. I have some good news and some bad news, though.

Man: Please tell me.

Nurse: Well, we had only last year perfected the technology to wake frozen individuals such as yourself with just one side-...

In the future, if technology makes it possible to replace human limbs

And its common enough that you can buy them in stores, will midgets go to small arms dealers?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If a girl is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, do you think:

A. She is a prude and you have no future together.

B. You two should spend more time together so she can get used to that level of openness.

C. She should have sat somewhere else on the train?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Boy: Dad how come there are no Jews, Christians or Muslims in Star Trek?

Dad: Cause it's the future son

Future Headline: Trump refuses to rise to take the oath at his trial.

He heard you can’t arrest a sitting president.

The factory of the future will have only two employees...

...the man and the dog. The man will be there to feed the dog. The dog will be there to keep the man away from the machines.

I met my future wife in a dark room

Everything just developed from there

What was the name of the physician who could smell the future?

Nostrildamus

I made it myself and was proud enough to post it! :)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I can see the future....

A man walks into his local pub for a pint after work. After being served his drink, he turns to find a table to sit down and enjoy his pint.
There are two tables free, one near the entrance and another towards the back. He opts for the one near the entrance, sits down, and takes a nice refreshing...

I thought I could see two years into the future

Turns out I just have 2020 vision

Article on the future of L.A. rapper "Post Malone" was withdrawn from print by local mail service.

Or;

Post on post-Post Malone's career and goals was postponed from posting by postal service.

What do iPhone users and Future Trunks have in common?

They both really hate Androids.

I tried asking a Ouija Board for the name of my future wife.

The planchette kept moving from H to A and back. What kind of name is Hahaha?

FM radio is the future! Just think about it, a trillion songs to listen to.

Nevermind, it's only playing the same 20 songs everyday.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After discovering that Kevin Spacey is a sexual predator, I would be surprised to see him get any work in the future.

Unless he runs for President of the United States.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In a catholic girsl school the teaching Nun asks the girls about their plans for the future...

Nun:"Susan, what do you want to be when you grow up?"

Susan:"I want to be a teacher, just like you!"
N: "Good, and what do you want to be Alice?"

Alice:"I want to be a doctor!"

N:"Very good! And you Lucy, what do you want to do?"
Lucy:"I want to become a Prostitute!"...

I was feeling bad about the future today, but then I installed the new version of office

It improved my outlook.

One day in the future, Canada will take over the world.

And then we will all be sorry.

Uncle came over for Christmas, and told me these wisdoms: "Forget the future, you cannot predict it. Forget the past, you cannot change it."

"And forget the present, I didn't get you one."

How many Brexiteers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only two: One to promise a bright future and another one to screw it up.

A joke from the future (January 2021, to be precise)

One sunny day in January 2021 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Trump."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir...

Tobacco companies kill their best customers

And condom companies kill their future customers.

Donald Trump announced that he wants to put a cap on immigrants in the near future.

That seems unfair. They should be allowed to wear whatever they want.

The Future went to the hospital...

... with his wife, Past, as she was due to deliver their new baby. As the contractions got closer and more intense, the door bursts and there stood Present- out of breath from having run from the parking garage and soaked with sweat.

“I got here as fast as I could, dear- I wouldn’t miss the ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Simone de Beauvoir once said "Change your life today. Don't gamble on the future, act now, without delay."

So now I just play roulette and craps. Been sober from sports betting for 3 months and counting.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

20 years into the future, NASA has a program for the public to travel to all planets. NASA has a Kennedy Space Center Ticket kiosk, run by Neil deGrasse. A man walks up with $200 "One ticket to soar around Uranus." Neil: "Here you go, you must take the proper precautions,the journey is rough."

"You have to pass through a black hole to get there."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How the Germans bailed out Greece

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.

​

Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

​

On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, ...

I have a special ability that lets me see both the past and future at the same time.

Some say it's a gift, but I think of it as the present.