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Future Jokes

A time traveller travelled 1 month into the future and opened r/Jokes

"Damn, I failed again"

I am from the future I can predict the score of the super bowl LVII before it starts...

0-0

Kanye went to a fortune teller to see what was in his future

The fortune teller told him that he will die on a Jewish holiday. Kanye asked how she could be so sure. "Any day" she replied "you die will be a Jewish holiday"

The chinese believe that eating certain foods on lunar new year will shape your future.

Personally, I think it's just a supperstition.

Did you ever hear about the guy who could see the future when he picked his nose?

His name was Nostrildamus.

I’m not having much luck with jobs lately.

I wasn’t suited to be a tailor.

The muffler factory was just exhausting.

I couldn’t cut it as a barber.

I didn’t have the patience to be a doctor.

I wasn’t a good fit in the shoe factory even though I put my soul into it.

The paper shop folded. Pool maintenance...

I’m really worried about the future of the calendar.

It’s days are absolutely numbered

The past, the present and the future walks into a bar

It was tense

George Bush goes to hell. Classic. First posted on Reddit 13 years ago.

One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'...

Hard work has a future payoff.

Laziness pays off NOW.

In the future, Jeff Bezos will give away his fortune.

Elon started two weeks ago.

Putin goes to fortune teller to find out his future.

She says:

"I see you on the car, arriving to a parade, there's an enormous crowd, they're crying for happiness when they see you, everybody is happy".

"Great! I'll lead the parade, who I will handshake with?"

"Nobody, your coffin will be closed".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a man meets his fiancée's father (not OC but my father's favourite joke)

A man is invited to meet his fiancée’s father for the very first time and is understandably nervous.
Unfortunately, he is also a little gassy from some food the night before.
He is sitting in the living room, right next to the dog and directly across from his future father-in-law, when sudde...

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Joke #3481 A man receives the bad news that he's going to die in the morning

Through an unfortunate miracle of medical science, a man receives the worst news possible from his doctor.

"I'm sorry, but tomorrow morning at precisely 7:23, you're going to have a brain clot that will kill you."

The man is stunned. "But I don't even feel sick!"

The doctor exp...

A woman walks into her psychiatrist's office and says, "I believe I can see into the future"

The shrink asks, "When did this start?"



"Next Tuesday"

MacBeth meets the three witches on the marsh.

''Hail MacBeth. For a fee we will predict your future.''

-''Really? How much?''

''10 Pence per predicted year.''

''I want a prediction for my *whole* life.''

''That'll be 5 pence.''

- Herman Finkers

I went to see a psychic the other day. I asked her if I was going to jail some time in the future. She said no, so I robbed her.

Bet she didn't see that coming.

Chuck norris joke. Had to.

There is no future. That’s just the present running away from Chuck Norris. That’s why they say there’s no tomorrow.

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

Every time I'm at the circus, insects keep keep buzzing around my head whispering the future to me.

Time flies when you're having fun.

It makes sense that Leonardo DiCaprio cares so much about climate change…

He just wants a world his future girlfriends can turn 18 in.

Once there was a great battle between a wizard who could control the future and a wizard who could control the past

Once there was a great battle between a wizard who could control the future and a wizard who could control the past.


It was intense.

What do you call a German robot that came from the future?

Determinator.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?

He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

A woman goes to a fortune teller As they sat there in the candlelit tent, the mystic waved her hands around the crystal ball, divining the woman’s future. Suddenly, the sooth-sayer’s hands went to her face and a gasp of horror escaped her mouth.

“I don’t know how to tell you this, so I’ll be blunt.” the fortune teller says. “You need to prepare yourself to become a widow. Your husband will be murdered in a manner most gruesome before the year is done.”

The woman was petrified, unable to process the information that’s been given to he...

So i asked a ouija board for the name of my future wife

Wtf kinda name is hahaha

Fun Fact: If you drink the inside of the magic 8 ball, you can see the future.

My friend did it one and he said "I think I'm gonna die."

10 minutes later he actually did!

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A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn’t know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself
a complete makeover, She told him,
"I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."


The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad, and 80-inch flatscreen television. She said, "I ...

Stalin's assistant enters his office

"Sir! There is a man here who wants to see you. He claims to be able to see the future with perfect accuracy!"

Stalin takes a puff from his pipe, and gives his order. "Execute him."

The assistant obeys and the man is promptly executed.

Later, with ...

In memory of recently passed Benedict XVI

WW2. Young german soldier captures pole. At the moment he aiming to shoot him lightning crack the sky and they hear God's voice:
- Don't shoot him, he is a future Pope
- Wow what about me?
- Ok, fine, you too

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We should have a TV show where illegal immigrants hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship

We can call it "Alien vs Predator"

\[EDIT\]: Wow I can't believe the amount of people who would want to make it a reality. *Netflix if your seeing this post you know what to do.*

**If you want, you may follow this post - I may update it in the future if something exciting happens.** <...

A small company hosts a costume party

A small startup company announces they will be holding an employee costume party to celebrate the end of their first fiscal year in business.

The theme of the party is “Past and Present” to celebrate the work that has been done while also looking forward to the years to come. To further expa...

I was going to get a bust of my likeness just in case I become famous in the future and it's worth something.

But I decided I shouldn't get ahead of myself.

Hope you all stay healthy

Cuz the future doctors are cheating in their exams rn

A sad first attempt at a joke

(It’s my first time posting here. Don’t blame me for the terrible joke lol)

A lawyer just lost a career making/breaking case so Satan sees this as an opportunity to approach him and make him an offer.

Satan: I will make you the most successful lawyer in history. You will never lose a c...

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God: Gabriel, have you finished setting up future events for the 2020s?

Gabriel: Yes, God, I have - wait, did you say 2020s plural? As in the decade?

God: Of course, what else?

Gabriel: I thought you meant 2020 the year.

God: You put a decade worth of history in one year?

Gabriel: Yes

God: Well, shit.

I travelled to the future to tell you a joke...

...But none of you got it.

A man was driving on the highway in the US when suddenly he was hit by a drunk driver, breaking his right arm, puncturing his lung, and putting him into a short coma

Despite not having insurance, he left the hospital without any financially crippling debt that would haunt him for the rest of his life and compromise his future savings.

This is a message for His Holiness the Dalai Lama: "Please decide my fate in future existences based on my past life behavior."

It's a ***karma***\-seeking post.

I am a little worried about the future of the sport of Olympic skiing.

It’s just going downhill.

Fast.

why do monarchs feel so important?

Because small changes in their initial conditions can lead to large-scale and unpredictable variation in the future state of the system.

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Little Johnny and politics

Little Johnny asks his dad: "*Dad, what is politics?*"

The dad replies: "*Let me give you an example: I'm the capitalist because I bring home the money; your mother is the government because she manages the money; the maid is the working class, while you are the people and your sister is the ...

A father at the hospital is looking at his new born baby

The baby has a birth defect. He's just one big baby sized ear. No arms... No legs... No face or belly or bottom. Just a big baby sized ear.

The father is undaunted and hopes for a bright future for his child. He tells the baby "Don't worry baby, you may just be one giant ear... But it won...

birthday card I received from my brother...Forget about the past you can't change it, forget about the future, you can't predict it, forget about the present...

I didn't get you one.

What did the fake psychic say when she got the ability to see the future?

I could prophet off of this.

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Past, Present and Future walk into a bar.

Past says: I’ve ordered a beer.

Present says: I’m ordering a beer.

Future says: I’ll order a beer.

As they sip their beers, a girl enters the bar.

Past says: I’ve fucked her.

Present says: I’m fucking her.

Future says: I’ll fuck her.

Past says: I had ...

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Insects are apparently the superfood of the future. I tried eating caterpillars but it made me too nervous.

Gave me butterflies in my stomach.

Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self.

Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

Sometime in the future, Canada will rule the earth.

And then you’ll all be sorry.

How to use Astrology to know about your relationship future:

If she starts to speak about your sign: run!

If she starts to speak about your sign and ascendent: run like hell, and never come back!

Did you hear that Disney+ is making a crossover between Star Wars and Back to the Future where the time machine is half car and half person?

It’s called the Man-DeLorean.

When you think about time on the cosmic scale, an infinitely expanding past and future...

60 seconds seems pretty minute.

What does a furry reads to know his future ?

An owoscope

"What do you wish to do in the future?" asks the teacher.

Pete: "I want to be a pilot"

Tommy: "I want to be a doctor"

Margaret: "I want to be a good mother"

Frank: "I want to help Margaret"

People these days recoil at the idea of brain transplants becoming possible in the near future.

Just wait until we develop the technology. They'll change their minds.

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I've just watched the Alabama version of 'Back to the Future,'

Unlike his counterpart, this version of Marty McFly can't resist the temptations of his mother and ends up fucking her,

Then he travels back in time.

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I saw my therapist today, and said "You are going to bring up my obsession with predicting the future, aren't you?" She said Yes.

I said "I knew it!!"

A woman wants to know if her 3 future sons-in-law will be thrustworthy... ... So she decides to take them one by one on a walk and pretend to slip and fall into the water to see what they will do. And so it goes.

On the first walk, she pretends to slip and falls into the water. The first son-in-law takes of his shoes & coat and jumps in the water. The next day there is new family sedan parked in front of the house. There is a letter for the son-in-law which says:

_Thank you for saving me, here is ...

The devil appears before a lawyer and promises to ensure that he wins every case he takes for the rest of his life.

Lawyer says: “It’s always about a deal right? What’s in it for you?” Devil says: “I want your soul, your wife’s, your son’s, and the souls of any more children you have in the future.” Lawyer pauses, thinks for a moment, and responds: “But what’s the catch?”

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In the future Mexico became the wealthies, most transparent, most peaceful, most progressive, most developed and most prosperous nation in the Americas while the US became a 3th world shithole.

As such many Mexicans decided to move back to Mexico but among them there were also Americans trying to emmigrate. As such the border checks were supposed to make sure that those going in Mexico were Mexicans and not American immigrants.


A man aproaches the border and is asked: "What's yo...

Have you ever heard of Roko's Basilisk? (contains a small amount of existential dread)

It's a thought experiment provided by a user named "Roko" on a philosophy forum-based website.

Suppose a machine is invented that can simulate the whole world from the past to the future, becoming practically omniscient. The scientists who made this obviously want this to help the world, so ...

The politician, 1913

He was a young man - a candidate for an agricultural constituency - and he was sketching in glowing color to the audience of rural voters the happy life the laborers would lead under an administration for the propagation of sweetness and light.

"We have not yet three acres and a cow, but it w...

Past, Present, and Future walked into a bar, and it was simply tense.

As they were drinking it was clear it was becoming progressively tenser.

By the time they'd walked out it had become perfectly tense.

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Love ship

A sexy young woman who was spurned by her lover and then became unemployed, headed to the Manhattan docks to plunge to her death. She had nothing, no friends, no family, she just wanted to end it all…

As she was about to jump, a handsome young sailor shouted, "Stop! Don't do it!"
She rep...

At a meeting in a factory, a lecturer from the district Party committee tells the workers about their bright future in the USSR.

At a meeting in a factory, a lecturer from the district Party committee tells the workers about their bright future in the USSR.

"See, comrades, after this five-year plan is completed, every family will have a separate apartment. After the next five-year plan is completed, every worker will h...

Looking a bit depressed - the Boss shouted out at the worker

Forget about the past - you can’t change it
Forget about the future - you can’t predict it

Forget about the present - i didn’t get you one

What do you call a psychic who is bad at predicting the future?

Non-prophet.

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The son said to his father " I don't understand politics dad ''

The father said " I'll give you an example. I bring money to the family, so I represent the upper class. Your mom uses the money on whatever necessary, she is the goverment. The maid who's doing the chores represents the working class. Your grandpa watches what's going on and assures everything is a...

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When I first saw "Back to the Future" I thought: "shit, this dude is going to bang his mom."

But luckily, they got caught fingering and were thrown out of the cinema.

I met my future wife today!

My present wife isn't happy

Man, people with glasses must be able to see into the future.

Why?

Because they have four-sight.

I'm from far in the future, the year 2104.

I came to ask you all a question; Why does my history textbook have a separate chapter for every month of 2020?

I asked a fortune teller the name of my future wife.

I have no idea what kind of name is "Yorhand". Sounds Swedish though.

What do you call a bleak future society in which people are forced by the state to trim hedges into decorative shapes?

A dystopiary!

What do you call a Tylenol with great dreams for the future?

Aspirin'

A man with 12 kids visits his Dr., asking for advice on how to prevent future pregnancies...

“Have you tried condoms?” Asks the Dr.

“I did, and it resulted in 3 kids!” said the man.

“Have you tried birth control?”

“I did! And it resulted in another 3 kids!”

“Have you tried IUD (intrauterine implants)?”

“I did! And it resulted in 3 kids!”

Confounde...

Prince Charles decides to visit Perth

The future King has not been getting a great reception in the United Kingdom so decides to go somewhere more remote. Not long after his arrival in Perth, he is walking down the Hay Street Mall with an interesting choice of head wear. A Davy Crocket style hat, real fox fur with the tail at the back, ...

Tomorrow is the future...

But also the Present Day.

You won’t believe how easy it is to predict the future!

All you need to do is to look into a crystal ball, purchasable from my website for only $999!

You don’t believe me?

See? Exactly what I predicted!

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Me: I can see into the future

Therapist: When did this start?

Me: Next Monday.

When future autonomous cars are connected on a network and speak to eachother, they won't need turn signals anymore.

... So BMW owners will have to figure out some other safety system to just not use.

Future is shaped by your dreams.

So, stop wasting time and go to sleep.

My wife said we need to sit down and talk about our future, and I was like 'Yeah gonna be awesome! Flying Cars, Colonies on Mars!, Self fixing robots it's gonna be amazing!!'

Not what she meant, am now single.

Did I just wake up in the future or the past?

Because this feels like twenty twenty too.

I wrote relationship advice for my future self couple years ago, since single people give the best advice.

I still give great advice.

Melinda is moving out, and her future is dark.

Her new home does not have Windows.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To my future wife and widow :

when I die I want you to mix my ashes with a bowl of chili, then eat it. Just so that I can tear that ass up one more time.

The red and white in Poland's flag represents their history and hope for the future.

The blue stripe represents their strong, reliable allies in the 20th century

I was feeling bad about the future today, but then I installed the new version of office

It improved my outlook.

I tried asking a Ouija Board for the name of my future wife.

The planchette kept moving from H to A and back. What kind of name is Hahaha?

I've once fooled an entire class filled with future Doctors, Lawyers, and scientists...

Of course they were all in Kindergarten so it wasn't hard

In the future water will be like sarcasm

No one will get it.

What do you call a duck that can see the future?

Clairbuoyant.

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering ...

I don't know how to tell my future child

That zoomers doesn't mean the generation that learned through zoom

I can see 4 years into the future!

You can say I have 2020 vision

George R.R. Martin (OC)

I met George R.R. Martin at a book signing a while back. It was very early in the morning and there weren’t that many people around, so I actually had the opportunity to chat with him a bit. I told him I’m a huge fan of his works, and that he’s always been an idol of mine, and that he inspired me to...

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