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Future Jokes

One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies.

He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil." You're on my list, but I have no room for you.

You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as yo...

In the future, wars are fought on a budget

The world economy ensures there are no weapons at all. A man signs up for his country’s army. He gets to training camp. The sergeant hands him a piece of wood shaped like a rifle, with a rubber bayonet on the end.

‘Right, men! This is the new war tactics. You point your rifle at the enemy a...

The past, present, and future walk into a bar.

It was tense.

Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self.

Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

Sometime in the future, Canada will rule the earth.

And then you’ll all be sorry.

"What do you wish to do in the future?" asks the teacher.

Pete: "I want to be a pilot"

Tommy: "I want to be a doctor"

Margaret: "I want to be a good mother"

Frank: "I want to help Margaret"

Did you hear that Disney+ is making a crossover between Star Wars and Back to the Future where the time machine is half car and half person?

It’s called the Man-DeLorean.

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My wife told me that every time we have sex, we put five dollars in jar for a future vacation.

We’re Still here…

I can see six years into the future.

I must have 2020 vision.

Someday in the near future, Canada will become the most powerful nation in the world.

And then … you all will be sorry.

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

Did you know if you drink the fluid from a magic 8 ball you can see the future.

Trust me. My friend Keith did it once and he said he was going to die and then he did.

How will people in the future congratulate eachother?

With Sci-Fives

Hard work has a future payoff.

Laziness pays off NOW.

I was feeling bad about the future today, but then I installed the new version of office

It improved my outlook.

This was an actual conversation that took place between my wife and my 7 yr old son just now.

My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."

My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my futu...

So i asked a ouija board for the name of my future wife

Wtf kinda name is hahaha

I am from the future I can predict the score of the super bowl LVII before it starts...

0-0

Kim Jong-Un has promised a new clear future for North Korea.

Oops! Spelt ***nuclear*** wrong.

I tried asking a Ouija Board for the name of my future wife.

The planchette kept moving from H to A and back. What kind of name is Hahaha?

Kanye went to a fortune teller to see what was in his future

The fortune teller told him that he will die on a Jewish holiday. Kanye asked how she could be so sure. "Any day" she replied "you die will be a Jewish holiday"

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God: Gabriel, have you finished setting up future events for the 2020s?

Gabriel: Yes, God, I have - wait, did you say 2020s plural? As in the decade?

God: Of course, what else?

Gabriel: I thought you meant 2020 the year.

God: You put a decade worth of history in one year?

Gabriel: Yes

God: Well, shit.

A time traveller travelled 1 month into the future and opened r/Jokes

"Damn, I failed again"

In the future, Jurassic Park starts to become a reality

There is a young, inexperienced employee who stumbles on a piece of amber, and immediately brings it to the laboratory. The scientist is confused, as this piece doesn't look like the others, so he goes off to the lab to date it.

The employee, unknowing of what it is still, starts to put it in...

How does a man show he's planning for the future?

He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Florida governor Ron DeSantis is apparently reviewing the future of Formula One in Miami

The Drag Reduction System is not what he thought it was.

A man with 12 kids visits his Dr., asking for advice on how to prevent future pregnancies...

“Have you tried condoms?” Asks the Dr.

“I did, and it resulted in 3 kids!” said the man.

“Have you tried birth control?”

“I did! And it resulted in another 3 kids!”

“Have you tried IUD (intrauterine implants)?”

“I did! And it resulted in 3 kids!”

Confounde...

What do you call a hacker who can see the future?

A 4chan teller.

Putin goes to fortune teller to find out his future.

She says:

"I see you on the car, arriving to a parade, there's an enormous crowd, they're crying for happiness when they see you, everybody is happy".

"Great! I'll lead the parade, who I will handshake with?"

"Nobody, your coffin will be closed".

A woman walks into her psychiatrist's office and says, "I believe I can see into the future"

The shrink asks, "When did this start?"



"Next Tuesday"

The chinese believe that eating certain foods on lunar new year will shape your future.

Personally, I think it's just a supperstition.

Tomorrow is the future...

But also the Present Day.

Did you ever hear about the guy who could see the future when he picked his nose?

His name was Nostrildamus.

I’m not having much luck with jobs lately.

I wasn’t suited to be a tailor.

The muffler factory was just exhausting.

I couldn’t cut it as a barber.

I didn’t have the patience to be a doctor.

I wasn’t a good fit in the shoe factory even though I put my soul into it.

The paper shop folded. Pool maintenance...

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Past, Present and Future walk into a bar.

Past says: I’ve ordered a beer.

Present says: I’m ordering a beer.

Future says: I’ll order a beer.

As they sip their beers, a girl enters the bar.

Past says: I’ve fucked her.

Present says: I’m fucking her.

Future says: I’ll fuck her.

Past says: I had ...

future*

I recently discovered I have a mediocre superpower, and I didn't know where else to share it. I can see into the futuer, but only to correct my own typos.

200Years in the future.

A team of the smartest people on earth go to a distant planet, believed to have life. When they land they're greeted by 3aliens. They speak perfect english.

"Leave outsiders. This is our home planet, only trusted individuals are allowed here!"

The space group is quite surprised by t...

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We should have a TV show where illegal immigrants hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship

We can call it "Alien vs Predator"

\[EDIT\]: Wow I can't believe the amount of people who would want to make it a reality. *Netflix if your seeing this post you know what to do.*

**If you want, you may follow this post - I may update it in the future if something exciting happens.** <...

Twenty thousand years into the future...

The astrobiology intern suddenly perks up at his station.
Intern: "Professor, we're receiving a periodic transmission from the direction of the Fr36 planetoids. I've converted the transmission into base 10 numerals and it keeps saying 14-5-22-5-18 7-15-14-14-1 7-9-22-5 25-15-21 21-16"
Professo...

I went to see a psychic the other day. I asked her if I was going to jail some time in the future. She said no, so I robbed her.

Bet she didn't see that coming.

A woman goes to a fortune teller As they sat there in the candlelit tent, the mystic waved her hands around the crystal ball, divining the woman’s future. Suddenly, the sooth-sayer’s hands went to her face and a gasp of horror escaped her mouth.

“I don’t know how to tell you this, so I’ll be blunt.” the fortune teller says. “You need to prepare yourself to become a widow. Your husband will be murdered in a manner most gruesome before the year is done.”

The woman was petrified, unable to process the information that’s been given to he...

I am a little worried about the future of the sport of Olympic skiing.

It’s just going downhill.

Fast.

How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?

One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.

Future is shaped by your dreams.

So, stop wasting time and go to sleep.

No future laughs

I was gonna tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn’t like it.

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Me: I can see into the future

Therapist: When did this start?

Me: Next Monday.

How to use Astrology to know about your relationship future:

If she starts to speak about your sign: run!

If she starts to speak about your sign and ascendent: run like hell, and never come back!

Why wasn't Wanda making future plans?

She had no Vision.

In the future water will be like sarcasm

No one will get it.

It's you, from the future!

*Knock knock*

Who's there?

I'm from far in the future, the year 2104.

I came to ask you all a question; Why does my history textbook have a separate chapter for every month of 2020?

A man was driving on the highway in the US when suddenly he was hit by a drunk driver, breaking his right arm, puncturing his lung, and putting him into a short coma

Despite not having insurance, he left the hospital without any financially crippling debt that would haunt him for the rest of his life and compromise his future savings.

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To my future wife and widow :

when I die I want you to mix my ashes with a bowl of chili, then eat it. Just so that I can tear that ass up one more time.

Fun Fact: If you drink the inside of the magic 8 ball, you can see the future.

My friend did it one and he said "I think I'm gonna die."

10 minutes later he actually did!

What does a furry reads to know his future ?

An owoscope

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I dont own this joke. But i havent forgotten about it for five years.

Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?"

Father: "Sure son. What's the question?"

Son: "What is Politics?"

Father: "Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me "Capitalism". your mother is the administra...

The baby that could see the future

A baby is born and during its christening, mutters “God bless Mummy, god bless Daddy, god bless Grandma, goodbye Granddad” and the next day the Granddad suddenly dies.

A few weeks pass and the baby speaks up again, babbling “God bless Mummy, god bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma” and sure enough t...

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If a girl is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, do you think:

A. She is a prude and you have no future together.

B. You two should spend more time together so she can get used to that level of openness.

C. She should have sat somewhere else on the train?

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The past, present and future are talking in a bar

"We're fucked," said future. "I can see it."

"Live for today friend," present replied.

Past pounded the table. "Impossible! Historically, this is the worst it's ever been!"

The bartender looked up. "Relax! Is it always this tense when you guys argue?"

Will glass coffins be popular in future?

Remains to be seen.

Melinda is moving out, and her future is dark.

Her new home does not have Windows.

A man goes to a fortune teller to see his future.

The fortune teller says: "Oh, I see that on Friday, your wife will die."
"I already know that," replies the man, "what I need to know is whether I will be arrested..."

Man, people with glasses must be able to see into the future.

Why?

Because they have four-sight.

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I've just watched the Alabama version of 'Back to the Future,'

Unlike his counterpart, this version of Marty McFly can't resist the temptations of his mother and ends up fucking her,

Then he travels back in time.

Peeing is like your future

Except clearer, and there's no question it's going down the drain.

How does Super Mario see into the future?

He uses a Luigi board

I don't know how to tell my future child

That zoomers doesn't mean the generation that learned through zoom

Two pregnant women are talking about their future babies

"I feel like my girl will be an athlete, she kicks so much in there it's unbelieavable!"

"Oh, I'm sure mine will be a comedian."

"How can you be so sure?"

"You wouldn't get it. It's an inside joke."

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Oedipus travels to the future.

When he arrives, he is amazed by the wonders he sees around him. He finds the nearest person he can. "Where am I, and what age is this?"

"Athens, 2019" the man says sarcastically.

"Athens!? This looks nothing of the city I know, and you tell me I traveled 2500 years into the future!?"<...

What do you call an Indian robot killer from the future?

Turbanator.

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A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn’t know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself
a complete makeover, She told him,
"I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad and an 80-inch flatscreen television. She said,"I bought th...

What do you call a psychic who is bad at predicting the future?

Non-prophet.

Past, Present, and Future walked into a bar, and it was simply tense.

As they were drinking it was clear it was becoming progressively tenser.

By the time they'd walked out it had become perfectly tense.

The future

Someone asked me the other day if I could see where I would be in 5 years.

Come on man, I wear glasses.

I don't have 2020 vision.

Past, Future and Present

Forget about the past, you can't change it.

Forget about the future, you can't predict it.

Forget about the present, I didn't get you one.

You won’t believe how easy it is to predict the future!

All you need to do is to look into a crystal ball, purchasable from my website for only $999!

You don’t believe me?

See? Exactly what I predicted!

People these days recoil at the idea of brain transplants becoming possible in the near future.

Just wait until we develop the technology. They'll change their minds.

I asked a fortune teller the name of my future wife.

I have no idea what kind of name is "Yorhand". Sounds Swedish though.

A man travelled into the future.

He didn't know how far he travelled and wondered when he was. He asked a man what year it was but he replied "i'm busy, i'm late for work!"

The time traveller got curious about his occupation and asked him.

The man replied "I'm in the family trade, like my father and grandfather before...

A dystopian future

Mr. and Mrs. Thyme are two people living in a dystopian future where babies are assigned a random combination of letters and numbers for a name, such as DL-6 or UR-1. However, due to a large amount of protesters, the law has been changed so that parents can choose their own name if they run to the c...

Did I just wake up in the future or the past?

Because this feels like twenty twenty too.

Possibly, a joke for the future.

\- All aliens are notoriously bad drivers.

\- Hey, that's space-ist.

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Future historians will have difficulties studying about our pornstars

because we delete them from our history.

The future is a little bit frightening

Everybody is kung-flu fighting

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I can see the future....

A man walks into his local pub for a pint after work. After being served his drink, he turns to find a table to sit down and enjoy his pint.
There are two tables free, one near the entrance and another towards the back. He opts for the one near the entrance, sits down, and takes a nice refreshing...

Once there was a great battle between a wizard who could control the future and a wizard who could control the past

Once there was a great battle between a wizard who could control the future and a wizard who could control the past.


It was intense.

What kind of dinosaur is best at seeing the future?

A tarot-dactyl!

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Timmy meets his future self...

Little Timmy was awakened from a sound sleep to a bright flash and a strange capsule like object in his bedroom. As Timmy cowered with his sheet pulled up to his chin, a door opened and out stepped a man who was the adult version of Timmy. In a soothing voice he told Timmy that he was his future s...

how can the future not be postive?

It's always something to look forward too.

When you think about time on the cosmic scale, an infinitely expanding past and future...

60 seconds seems pretty minute.

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After discovering that Kevin Spacey is a sexual predator, I would be surprised to see him get any work in the future.

Unless he runs for President of the United States.

Future Employer: How good are your Microsoft Office Skills?

Me: Mark my word, I excel in it. Just give me access to it and I'll show you all the powerpoints.





(pls don't bully if it is a dumb joke, first post here)

I can travel into the future!

One second at a time.

Crowd: TO STOP PREDICTING THE FUTURE!

Chanter: WHAT DO WE WANT?

Crowd: LAST TUESDAY

Chanter: WHEN DO WE WANT IT?

"Sorry, we don't serve people from the future in here."

A time-traveler walks into a bar.

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