The 97+ Best Future Jokes

One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies.

He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil." You're on my list, but I have no room for you.

You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as yo...

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

I am from the future I can predict the score of the super bowl LVII before it starts...

0-0

Someday in the near future, Canada will become the most powerful nation in the world.

And then … you all will be sorry.

Did you hear that Disney+ is making a crossover between Star Wars and Back to the Future where the time machine is half car and half person?

It’s called the Man-DeLorean.

The past, present, and future walk into a bar.

It was tense.

Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self.

Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

Did you know if you drink the fluid from a magic 8 ball you can see the future.

Trust me. My friend Keith did it once and he said he was going to die and then he did.

I can see six years into the future.

I must have 2020 vision.

Florida governor Ron DeSantis is apparently reviewing the future of Formula One in Miami

The Drag Reduction System is not what he thought it was.

I went to see a psychic the other day. I asked her if I was going to jail some time in the future. She said no, so I robbed her.

Bet she didn't see that coming.

I was feeling bad about the future today, but then I installed the new version of office

It improved my outlook.

"What do you wish to do in the future?" asks the teacher.

Pete: "I want to be a pilot"

Tommy: "I want to be a doctor"

Margaret: "I want to be a good mother"

Frank: "I want to help Margaret"

How does a man show he's planning for the future?

He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

So i asked a ouija board for the name of my future wife

Wtf kinda name is hahaha

A woman goes to a fortune teller As they sat there in the candlelit tent, the mystic waved her hands around the crystal ball, divining the woman’s future. Suddenly, the sooth-sayer’s hands went to her face and a gasp of horror escaped her mouth.

“I don’t know how to tell you this, so I’ll be blunt.” the fortune teller says. “You need to prepare yourself to become a widow. Your husband will be murdered in a manner most gruesome before the year is done.”

The woman was petrified, unable to process the information that’s been given to he...

Kim Jong-Un has promised a new clear future for North Korea.

Oops! Spelt ***nuclear*** wrong.

How will people in the future congratulate eachother?

With Sci-Fives

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God: Gabriel, have you finished setting up future events for the 2020s?

Gabriel: Yes, God, I have - wait, did you say 2020s plural? As in the decade?

God: Of course, what else?

Gabriel: I thought you meant 2020 the year.

God: You put a decade worth of history in one year?

Gabriel: Yes

God: Well, shit.

A man with 12 kids visits his Dr., asking for advice on how to prevent future pregnancies...

“Have you tried condoms?” Asks the Dr.

“I did, and it resulted in 3 kids!” said the man.

“Have you tried birth control?”

“I did! And it resulted in another 3 kids!”

“Have you tried IUD (intrauterine implants)?”

“I did! And it resulted in 3 kids!”

Confounde...

Sometime in the future, Canada will rule the earth.

And then you’ll all be sorry.

What do you call a suicide bomber that can tell the future?

A tarot-ist

Kanye went to a fortune teller to see what was in his future

The fortune teller told him that he will die on a Jewish holiday. Kanye asked how she could be so sure. "Any day" she replied "you die will be a Jewish holiday"

I tried asking a Ouija Board for the name of my future wife.

The planchette kept moving from H to A and back. What kind of name is Hahaha?

A woman walks into her psychiatrist's office and says, "I believe I can see into the future"

The shrink asks, "When did this start?"

"Next Tuesday"

Hard work has a future payoff.

Laziness pays off NOW.

Did you ever hear about the guy who could see the future when he picked his nose?

His name was Nostrildamus.

A time traveller travelled 1 month into the future and opened r/Jokes

"Damn, I failed again"

I’m really worried about the future of the calendar.

It’s days are absolutely numbered

I travelled to the future to tell you a joke...

...But none of you got it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Past, Present and Future walk into a bar.

Past says: I’ve ordered a beer.

Present says: I’m ordering a beer.

Future says: I’ll order a beer.

As they sip their beers, a girl enters the bar.

Past says: I’ve fucked her.

Present says: I’m fucking her.

Future says: I’ll fuck her.

Past says: I had ...

The chinese believe that eating certain foods on lunar new year will shape your future.

Personally, I think it's just a supperstition.

What do you call a hacker who can see the future?

A 4chan teller.

Putin goes to fortune teller to find out his future.

She says:

"I see you on the car, arriving to a parade, there's an enormous crowd, they're crying for happiness when they see you, everybody is happy".

"Great! I'll lead the parade, who I will handshake with?"

"Nobody, your coffin will be closed".

birthday card I received from my brother...Forget about the past you can't change it, forget about the future, you can't predict it, forget about the present...

I didn't get you one.

I am a little worried about the future of the sport of Olympic skiing.

It’s just going downhill.

Fast.

I was going to get a bust of my likeness just in case I become famous in the future and it's worth something.

But I decided I shouldn't get ahead of myself.

In the future, Jurassic Park starts to become a reality

There is a young, inexperienced employee who stumbles on a piece of amber, and immediately brings it to the laboratory. The scientist is confused, as this piece doesn't look like the others, so he goes off to the lab to date it.

The employee, unknowing of what it is still, starts to put it in...

People these days recoil at the idea of brain transplants becoming possible in the near future.

Just wait until we develop the technology. They'll change their minds.

What did the fake psychic say when she got the ability to see the future?

I could prophet off of this.

Fun Fact: If you drink the inside of the magic 8 ball, you can see the future.

My friend did it one and he said "I think I'm gonna die."

10 minutes later he actually did!

Once there was a great battle between a wizard who could control the future and a wizard who could control the past

Once there was a great battle between a wizard who could control the future and a wizard who could control the past.

It was intense.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After discovering that Kevin Spacey is a sexual predator, I would be surprised to see him get any work in the future.

Unless he runs for President of the United States.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Insects are apparently the superfood of the future. I tried eating caterpillars but it made me too nervous.

Gave me butterflies in my stomach.

How to use Astrology to know about your relationship future:

If she starts to speak about your sign: run!

If she starts to speak about your sign and ascendent: run like hell, and never come back!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've just watched the Alabama version of 'Back to the Future,'

Unlike his counterpart, this version of Marty McFly can't resist the temptations of his mother and ends up fucking her,

Then he travels back in time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to a psychic so he can find out what future has in store for him.

After a few minutes the psychic tells him he will be responsible of milions of deaths.

The guy then leaves, very worried about what he just heard. While walking down the street, he sees a car going very fast towards a little boy and it was looking like the boy will get hit.

He runs to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw my therapist today, and said "You are going to bring up my obsession with predicting the future, aren't you?" She said Yes.

I said "I knew it!!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the future Mexico became the wealthies, most transparent, most peaceful, most progressive, most developed and most prosperous nation in the Americas while the US became a 3th world shithole.

As such many Mexicans decided to move back to Mexico but among them there were also Americans trying to emmigrate. As such the border checks were supposed to make sure that those going in Mexico were Mexicans and not American immigrants.

A man aproaches the border and is asked: "What's yo...

A woman wants to know if her 3 future sons-in-law will be thrustworthy... ... So she decides to take them one by one on a walk and pretend to slip and fall into the water to see what they will do. And so it goes.

On the first walk, she pretends to slip and falls into the water. The first son-in-law takes of his shoes & coat and jumps in the water. The next day there is new family sedan parked in front of the house. There is a letter for the son-in-law which says:

_Thank you for saving me, here is ...

What does a furry reads to know his future ?

An owoscope

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I first saw "Back to the Future" I thought: "shit, this dude is going to bang his mom."

But luckily, they got caught fingering and were thrown out of the cinema.

Man, people with glasses must be able to see into the future.

Why?

Because they have four-sight.

This is a message for His Holiness the Dalai Lama: "Please decide my fate in future existences based on my past life behavior."

It's a ***karma***\-seeking post.

When you think about time on the cosmic scale, an infinitely expanding past and future...

60 seconds seems pretty minute.

Past, Present, and Future walked into a bar, and it was simply tense.

As they were drinking it was clear it was becoming progressively tenser.

By the time they'd walked out it had become perfectly tense.

What do you call a psychic who is bad at predicting the future?

Non-prophet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: I can see into the future

Therapist: When did this start?

Me: Next Monday.

I wrote relationship advice for my future self couple years ago, since single people give the best advice.

I still give great advice.

Twenty thousand years into the future...

The astrobiology intern suddenly perks up at his station.
Intern: "Professor, we're receiving a periodic transmission from the direction of the Fr36 planetoids. I've converted the transmission into base 10 numerals and it keeps saying 14-5-22-5-18 7-15-14-14-1 7-9-22-5 25-15-21 21-16"
Professo...

A man goes to a fortune teller to see his future.

The fortune teller says: "Oh, I see that on Friday, your wife will die."
"I already know that," replies the man, "what I need to know is whether I will be arrested..."

In the future water will be like sarcasm

No one will get it.

You won’t believe how easy it is to predict the future!

All you need to do is to look into a crystal ball, purchasable from my website for only $999!

You don’t believe me?

See? Exactly what I predicted!

I'm from far in the future, the year 2104.

I came to ask you all a question; Why does my history textbook have a separate chapter for every month of 2020?

If you drink that fluorescent liquid there's inside those party bracelets you can predict the future

My friend just drank 5 of them and said he was going to die, 2 hours later he was dead.

At a meeting in a factory, a lecturer from the district Party committee tells the workers about their bright future in the USSR.

At a meeting in a factory, a lecturer from the district Party committee tells the workers about their bright future in the USSR.

"See, comrades, after this five-year plan is completed, every family will have a separate apartment. After the next five-year plan is completed, every worker will h...

What do you call a Tylenol with great dreams for the future?

Aspirin'

What do you call a bleak future society in which people are forced by the state to trim hedges into decorative shapes?

A dystopiary!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The past, present and future are talking in a bar

"We're fucked," said future. "I can see it."

"Live for today friend," present replied.

Past pounded the table. "Impossible! Historically, this is the worst it's ever been!"

The bartender looked up. "Relax! Is it always this tense when you guys argue?"

What do you call an Indian robot killer from the future?

Turbanator.

Tomorrow is the future...

But also the Present Day.

I’m not having much luck with jobs lately.

I wasn’t suited to be a tailor.

The muffler factory was just exhausting.

I couldn’t cut it as a barber.

I didn’t have the patience to be a doctor.

I wasn’t a good fit in the shoe factory even though I put my soul into it.

The paper shop folded. Pool maintenance...

I've once fooled an entire class filled with future Doctors, Lawyers, and scientists...

Of course they were all in Kindergarten so it wasn't hard

I asked a fortune teller the name of my future wife.

I have no idea what kind of name is "Yorhand". Sounds Swedish though.

When future autonomous cars are connected on a network and speak to eachother, they won't need turn signals anymore.

... So BMW owners will have to figure out some other safety system to just not use.

My wife said we need to sit down and talk about our future, and I was like 'Yeah gonna be awesome! Flying Cars, Colonies on Mars!, Self fixing robots it's gonna be amazing!!'

Not what she meant, am now single.

Future is shaped by your dreams.

So, stop wasting time and go to sleep.

Melinda is moving out, and her future is dark.

Her new home does not have Windows.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To my future wife and widow :

when I die I want you to mix my ashes with a bowl of chili, then eat it. Just so that I can tear that ass up one more time.

200Years in the future.

A team of the smartest people on earth go to a distant planet, believed to have life. When they land they're greeted by 3aliens. They speak perfect english.

"Leave outsiders. This is our home planet, only trusted individuals are allowed here!"

The space group is quite surprised by t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We should have a TV show where illegal immigrants hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship

We can call it "Alien vs Predator"

\[EDIT\]: Wow I can't believe the amount of people who would want to make it a reality. *Netflix if your seeing this post you know what to do.*

**If you want, you may follow this post - I may update it in the future if something exciting happens.** <...

I don't know how to tell my future child

That zoomers doesn't mean the generation that learned through zoom

How will the youth of the future mock the COVID-19 generation?

OK Zoomer!

Did I just wake up in the future or the past?

Because this feels like twenty twenty too.

Why wasn't Wanda making future plans?

She had no Vision.

This joke has a bright future...

How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Juan

The baby that could see the future

A baby is born and during its christening, mutters “God bless Mummy, god bless Daddy, god bless Grandma, goodbye Granddad” and the next day the Granddad suddenly dies.

A few weeks pass and the baby speaks up again, babbling “God bless Mummy, god bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma” and sure enough t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn’t know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself
a complete makeover, She told him,
"I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad and an 80-inch flatscreen television. She said,"I bought th...

How does Super Mario see into the future?

He uses a Luigi board

In the future, TVs will be 15 feet wide, only 2 inches tall,

and movies will still have those damn black bars on the top and bottom.

Article on the future of L.A. rapper "Post Malone" was withdrawn from print by local mail service.

Or

Post on post-Post Malone's career and goals was postponed from posting by postal service.

future*

I recently discovered I have a mediocre superpower, and I didn't know where else to share it. I can see into the futuer, but only to correct my own typos.

My watch can predict the future! — That's impossible! Can you prove it? — Sure! — glances at the watch — Right now it's saying you have no panties. — You see? That is wrong, I have panties on right now.

— Oh, I'm sorry, its 10 minutes fast...

Two pregnant women are talking about their future babies

"I feel like my girl will be an athlete, she kicks so much in there it's unbelieavable!"

"Oh, I'm sure mine will be a comedian."

"How can you be so sure?"

"You wouldn't get it. It's an inside joke."

What kind of dinosaur is best at seeing the future?

A tarot-dactyl!

Time, of course, doesn't exist. There's no past, no present, no future. Just one constant pulsating moment.

And that point, the guy said to me, "Just give me a rough idea of the time, mate."

When the Chinese spoke about the future colonisation of the world

they probably meant coronisation.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.