I was feeling bad about the future today, but then I installed the new version of office.

It improved my outlook.

The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar.

It was tense

My friend said he wanted to be a sugar daddy in the future.

I told him, "Boy, with how broke you are, you'd be a splenda stepfather."

A man is visited by the three ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future.

Man: Whaaaaaaat are you three doing here?!?! I've enjoyed Christmas all my life, I've donated to Orphanages and Children's Hospitals every year, I open my mansion every Christmas to my friends, family, and their kids of course, to come together for one jolly ole' party, and hell I just took in this ...

I had a terrible dream of a dystopian future where robots controlled every aspect of our lives.

Luckily, I was awakened by my Tesla.

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Oedipus travels to the future.

When he arrives, he is amazed by the wonders he sees around him. He finds the nearest person he can. "Where am I, and what age is this?"

"Athens, 2019" the man says sarcastically.

"Athens!? This looks nothing of the city I know, and you tell me I traveled 2500 years into the future!?"<...

I can see a whole year into the future.

I have 2020 vision.

Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self.

Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

Donny is getting worried about his future as President.

He decides to call the world leaders he most admires. He makes a conference call to Putin, Kim Jong-un,and Rodrigo Duterte.

"Guys, next to me, you are the greatest leaders in the world. What can I do to stop from getting impeached?"

There is a lot of talking between them and then Vlad ...

I’m not having much luck with jobs lately.

I couldn’t concentrate in the orange juice factory; wasn’t suited to be a tailor; the muffler factory was just exhausting; couldn’t cut it as barber; didn’t have the patience to be a doctor; didn’t fit in the shoe factory; pool maintenance was too draining and I just couldn’t see any future as a his...

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Past me always screws over future me.

But honestly, future me is probably a dick. So fuck that guy.

"What do you wish to do in the future?" asks the teacher.

Pete: "I want to be a pilot"

Tommy: "I want to be a doctor"

Margaret: "I want to be a good mother"

Frank: "I want to help Margaret"

In the future water will be like sarcasm

No one will get it.

One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil.

“You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll ...

Peeing is like your future

Except clearer, and there's no question it's going down the drain.

How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only two: One to promise a bright future and another one to screw it up.

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How do you give a dollar to a stripper from the future....?

You pay her in ButtCoin.

What do you call an italian fortune teller with a negative outlook on the future?

A pesto-mystic.

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

I once met my future self and he told me:

If you can only once travel back in time to give yourself advice, go further back than four sec....

Bored at work so I wrote my first joke. It’s extremely dumb but maybe it’ll make someone laugh.

An extremely wealthy family owned countless successful companies, bought out competitors and even purchased new ventures if they looked promising enough. Nothing was too big or small, and nothing was off limits.

The family consisted of a mother (Linda), father (Robert) and 3 sons (Robert Jr.,...

Two guys are talking when one says, “Hey I finally finished that book I was writing about the indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole.”

And the other guy says to him, “It’s about time.”

I dont see why we need to leave our planet in a better state for future generations

The current generation cant get out of middle school before dying off.

If you drink the blue liquid inside a magic 8 ball you can see the future

I knew someone who did

said he was gonna die

he did

Possibly, a joke for the future.

\- All aliens are notoriously bad drivers.

\- Hey, that's space-ist.

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I dont own this joke. But i havent forgotten about it for five years.

Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?"

Father: "Sure son. What's the question?"

Son: "What is Politics?"

Father: "Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me "Capitalism". your mother is the administra...

In the future, dating robots will be casual

Relationships will all be on again, off again

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she ...

Twenty thousand years into the future...

The astrobiology intern suddenly perks up at his station.
Intern: "Professor, we're receiving a periodic transmission from the direction of the Fr36 planetoids. I've converted the transmission into base 10 numerals and it keeps saying 14-5-22-5-18 7-15-14-14-1 7-9-22-5 25-15-21 21-16"
Professo...

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[On the way to the therapist] Me: You’re going to bring up the fact that I always try to predict the future, aren’t you?

Her: Yes.

Me: I knew it!

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Geography of a woman

Between the ages of 15-18, a woman is like China. Developing at a sizzling rate with a lot of potential but as yet still not free or open.Between the ages of 18-21, a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful. Between the ages of 21-30, a woman is l...

As it was past Thanos fighting very hard with present Avengers, he was literally fighting for his future.

The battle was actually pretty..... In tense.







A polo G if repost.

A Scotsman, an Englishman and a Frenchman are walking through the jungle...

They’re very tired, and they decide to take a shortcut across a nearby river to quickly reach their camp.

As they cross the river, a tribe of savages charge out of the trees and surround them. The tribe Chief steps forward and says

“This river sacred ground... you trespass on sacred ...

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In 1935, a Nazi Landesinspekteur (State Inspector) needs to privately converse with Hitler.

When he finds Hitler's office, he knocks loudly. There's no response.

After waiting 20 seconds, he gets very impatient, opens the door, and just walks right in. To his surprise, he sees Hitler on the floor, apparently meditating deeply with his eyes shut, legs crossed, and arms hanging loosel...

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Arranged marriage

An Indian guy wants to get married. His parents select three girls for him, and he goes on a couple of dates with each of them.

His friend asks him afterwards, “How did it go?”

He says, “Well, they were all really nice. But I did something different. I gave each of them Rs. 50,000 to s...

What do you call the feverish spread of strongly worded arguments against very lame and badly functioning replacement arms that tell the future while composing strictly written limericks while moving from place to place?

A parapatetic pathetic prophetic pedantic poetic paretic prosthetic polemic pandemic.

Crowd: TO STOP PREDICTING THE FUTURE!

Chanter: WHAT DO WE WANT?

Crowd: LAST TUESDAY

Chanter: WHEN DO WE WANT IT?

A man goes to a fortune teller to see his future.

The fortune teller says: "Oh, I see that on Friday, your wife will die."
"I already know that," replies the man, "what I need to know is whether I will be arrested..."

One day co-workers Alice and Bob were talking over the water cooler. Soon the conversation turned to Alice's husband Walter and his plans for the future.

"He's up for a promotion, but he's kinda screwed. He'd be moving up from the mail room to a position with some management responsibilities, but he never actually graduated college and that's usually a requirement. They like him though, so there's just one course he has to take and get a good grade i...

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To future women I may potentially date...

Am I going to be your sugar daddy and buy you a bunch of fancy shit? No. But I will be your Sweet & Low daddy and direct your attention towards the clearance section.

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If a girl is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, do you think:

A. She is a prude and you have no future together.

B. You two should spend more time together so she can get used to that level of openness.

C. She should have sat somewhere else on the train?

My uncle Larry got bit by a snake.

My uncle Larry got bit by a snake. Not knowing if it was poisonous, he quickly grabbed the creature by the head, bit it in half and drove me, himself and the snake's body to the hospital.

As soon as we got there, the doctor informed us that for future reference proper term was *venomous* and ...

A man walks into his doctor's office and says "Doctor! Doctor! I think I can see into the future"

"When did this start?" The doctor asks
"Next Tuesday" the man replies

In the year 2020, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in America and said:

“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."

"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:

"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start...

What do you call a Fat person marrying your daughter?

Your future ton in law

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A man who had three beautiful girlfriends

A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn't know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself a complete makeover. She told him, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you cause I...

I’ve been dating this blind girl and things have been going pretty good. Recently though I sent her a message in Braille...

It’s been like a week and she’s left me on Felt.

I worry she doesn’t see a future for this relationship

— My watch can predict the future!

— That's impossible! Can you prove it?

— Sure! — glances at the watch — Right now it's saying you have no panties.

— You see? That is wrong, I have panties on right now.

— Oh, I'm sorry, its 10 minutes fast...

Think of a dark future where humanity has to take to the stars because earth is no longer inhabitable.

That's unsettling

In 1964, a couple of former St. Louis Cardinals baseball stars were on vacation in Wales....

Red Schoendienst and Stan Musial decided to head to the UK on vacation with their wives after the 1964 Major League Baseball season. The two had retired as players the year before and had just finished their first full season as members of the staff - Musial as vice president, Schoendienst as a coa...

A man with 12 kids visits his Dr., asking for advice on how to prevent future pregnancies...

“Have you tried condoms?” Asks the Dr.

“I did, and it resulted in 3 kids!” said the man.

“Have you tried birth control?”

“I did! And it resulted in another 3 kids!”

“Have you tried IUD (intrauterine implants)?”

“I did! And it resulted in 3 kids!”

Confounde...

What is America’s future largest export?

Unwanted babies

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A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.
...

After a grueling process, a tree walks into a bank and says with loud excitement "Excuse me...

I've been to a lot of branches, and this one sticks out the best to meet my needs!!!"

The branch manager looks stumped, and replies "I'll leaf you to deal with my trusted staff, but you'll have to watch how you bark around here."

The tree looked embarrassed...

"But, I'm sure we'...

My poor reading skills ruined my future as a pimp

But now I own a warehouse

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A man gets a new job.

On his first day, the boss gives him the basic description of his duties, and he says, "No problem, boss. I know just what to do."

And sure enough, he does. The boss is amazed to see that he intuitively knows every process, where everything goes, how everything works, what everyone does.
<...

After a long discussion about our future, my partner and I decided to name our first born ‘No Pun’.

That way they’ll certainly be aware that they weren’t intended.

Honourable Minister

A man was taken to court for calling an Honourable Minister a pig.

It was his first offence and the Judge was in a good mood and decided to show mercy.

So he discharged him after warning him to desist from unguarded utterances in future.

The man removed his cap and thanked the ...

I can travel into the future!

One second at a time.

My uncle once got his DeLorean up to 88 mph, and ended up 30 years in the future.

That's how long he got for hitting all those people at the bus stop.

Janet Jackson wanted to sample a Future song so she asked his production company if she could use Beast Mode. The production company sent a representative to her door with a CD. She asked if it was Beast Mode

The representative said “Sorry Ms. Jackson, this is Fo Real”

When in future, technology figures out how to brighten our homes without light bulbs,

I will be delighted

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Time is a circle

H: You don't understand. These guys keep popping out of nowhere, in futuristic garb, yelling in some foreign languages i don't understand except for "Berg this and Stein that", trying to kill me. I have no idea whats going on and I'm constantly afraid. It just doesn't stop. They tried to kill me as ...

Bill is putting his young daughter to bed one night and as he walks out the bedroom door he hears her saying her prayers.

She says, "God bless mommy, daddy, and grandma, rest in peace grandpa."

Bill rushes back into her bedroom and asks her, "Why did you say the last part?" His daughter replies, "Because I needed to." The next day, grandpa dies of a heart attack. Bill is worried about his daughter but thinks, "I...

What’s the future tense of England?

Brexit.

Next year I will have a clearer vision for my future

It's gonna be 20/20.

Teachers say that our dreams are the future

But they dont let us sleep in class

My dogs can see one year into the future...

Because houndsight is 20/20

History....

I was thinking of doing Hisory in uni

But I couldn't see any future in it.

What does Ron Weasley become when he uses Hermione's time turner to travel into the past and then the future?

Earlier Ron and then later Ron.

What rodent helps reduce your risk when trading livestock futures?

A hedgehog

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A self-made millionaire decided that he was lonely and needed to find a mate. So, he organized a bit of a competition for it.

As his search neared the end he narrowed the choices down to four.

One was a doctor. She was a surgeon, made incredible money. She was focused and driven. Because she was so wealthy on her own, he knew she wasn't in it only for the money.

One was a lawyer. Again, a successful professio...

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A man really wanted to learn the art of future-telling...

He is told to visit Old Man Baboo on top of the hill to learn this skill.

He proceeds to climb the hill and gets to Old Man Baboo's house.

"So you want to learn how to tell the future, huh?"

"Yes, teach me please"

"Ok, first come in and follow me"

"Ok, Old Man Babb...

A joke I will always love

In the distant future when interstellar space travel is common place, scientists are traveling through galaxies to find life on other planets. On one planter many light years away, they find a giant granite statue statue of a man in a squatting position. Upon close inspection they find this statue i...

Three babies were in the womb talking amongst themselves about their future

They get on the topic of what they want to be when they are born and grow up.

The first baby says: "when I get older, I want to be a molder of young minds! A teacher is what I'm aiming for."

The second baby says: "when I'm a adult, I want to heal and save people! I'll be a doctor." ...

200Years in the future.

A team of the smartest people on earth go to a distant planet, believed to have life. When they land they're greeted by 3aliens. They speak perfect english.

"Leave outsiders. This is our home planet, only trusted individuals are allowed here!"

The space group is quite surprised by t...

Megan and Harry's future child

If Harry and Megan had a boy and named him "Artist" then changed his name he would be
The prince formerly known as Artist

I’m from a future where Trump won re-election and solved Global Warming

Just a heads up though, nuclear winter is a bit chilly.

Disney has announced that all future Marvel movies will have an all male cast.

They are doing their part to combat the heroine epidemic.

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How the Germans bailed out Greece

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.



Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.



On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel...

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The Saved Man and the Clairvoyant

DISCLAIMER: I'm pretty sure I had read this joke here before, but I was reminded of it today so I'm going to "pay homage" to it by doing my best recital of it. It's long.

A man walks into a pub, orders himself a pint, and sits at a small table in the corner by himself. He enjoys his beer for...

When separating, what did present tense say to future tense?

See you later.

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The past, present and future are talking in a bar

"We're fucked," said future. "I can see it."

"Live for today friend," present replied.

Past pounded the table. "Impossible! Historically, this is the worst it's ever been!"

The bartender looked up. "Relax! Is it always this tense when you guys argue?"

The 80s called...

and they sounded excited about the fact that they made an inventiron to ring people from the future.

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A border custom officer saw a suspicious truck at the check post.

The officer immediately asked the Truck driver to bring the truck aside for a complete check up.

"Are you smuggling something?" asked the officer to the truck driver. "It would be wise if you told me before we found something."

"Nope," said the truck driver casually. And he was right. ...

My law firm specializes in grain futures contracts.

Barley Legal

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So I recently got engaged, and used to visit my future in-laws' house quite frequently...

My fiance had a step sister, who used to tease me a lot. She used to stared at me across the dining table, used to bend down while wearing a skirt, etc.

A couple of days before the wedding, she called me at the house to help her make the invitation cards. When I arrived, there was no one at t...

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So in 2018: my love left me, my dream is likely unreachable now, my future plan is shit and I have $15 in my bank account...

My life fits this sub so well.

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A man finds an odd looking lamp on the ground one day...

The man picks the lamp up and rubs it, and to his surprise, a genie flies out.

"I will grant you one wish, and one wish only"

The man thinks, " What could I ever wish for, I have a great life."

The genie says to the man, " Life might be great now, but the odds may be against you...

Zen joke

Student: Master, I've forgotten all of my zen training, lost inner peace, and now feel disconnected from the present, haunted by the past, afraid of the future, and dissimilar from the universe and all its life forms.

Master: What? Were you thinking?!

Donald Trump, Hilary Clinton, Obama, and a little girl are on a crashing plane wit only 3 parachutes...

Hilary Clinton says, ” I'm off to win the next election, ” takes a parachute, and jumps off. Donald Trump says, ”I’m better than you fools, you're fired, ” picks one up, and jumps off. Obama says to the girl, ” you are our future, you take the last parachute.” The girl responds with, ”no, we both ...

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A man is diagnosed with testicular cancer

After a routine check-up, Mike was discovered to have a massive tumour in his ballsack and his life was turned upside down. His girlfriend broke up with him when she heard and he lost his job as a pornstar, when his empolyer heard about his cancer. After a few months of chemo, and no improvements to...

In the future there will be kids shouting jokes like...

Yo mama’s so old that when the Dentist told her to floss she started to dance.

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