This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I first saw "Back to the Future" I thought: "shit, this dude is going to bang his mom."

But luckily, they got caught fingering and were thrown out of the cinema.

The past, the present and the future walk into a bar.

It was tense.

I was feeling anxious about the future today, but then I updated Microsoft Office

It improved my outlook.

What will people say when they are able to handle pandemics properly in the future?

Hindsight is 2020.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Future historians will have difficulties studying about our pornstars

because we delete them from our history.

I’m a time traveler, and I came here to tell you a joke from the future.

But it’s just too far ahead of its time.

Future generations increasingly find it harder to receive sympathy as they get sick

My grandchild was sick the other day and I asked him if it was the flu.

“No, it’s the new COVID-69.”

All I could say was, “nice.”

Did you hear that Disney+ is making a crossover between Star Wars and Back to the Future where the time machine is half car and half person?

It’s called the Man-DeLorean.

In the distant future scientists invent a special time machine

It can send messages back to the past, as a dream to a single person.

Because of all the problems Covid-19 caused, they decided to try and warn the world before hand. So a dream message was sent back to the year 2017: "Covid is fatal will arrive in fall 2019. Covid is fatal will arrive in fal...

No future laughs

I was gonna tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn’t like it.

When my friend told me he's finally going to watch Back to the Future

, I said it's about time.

The personal assistant enters Stalin's office to announce to him: "Comrade Stalin, a clairvoyant is waiting outside demanding an audience with you. He says that he is able to foresee the future."

Stalin, still bent over the table, calmly replies: "He shall be executed. If he really foresaw the future, he would never want to meet me."

There's a new Back to the Future sequel coming out

It's about time.

When my future children ask me about my highschool graduation...

And how I answer:

“The graduation was great! But the reception was terrible.”

If you drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball you can see the future.

Just trust me on this. My friend Dave did once & said he was gonna die & then he did.

I got my future told to me by a fat banker...

Turns out he was a four-chin teller.

When the Chinese spoke about the future colonisation of the world

they probably meant coronisation.

What do you call a duck that can see the future?

Clairbuoyant.

Everyone knows of Cassandra, the Greek woman cursed to see the future but to never be believed. I would like to propose a new figure as her opposite: a man who pretends to know to future and have everyone believe him.

Or as I call him, Trump.

Your drawings are like your future.

They don't have any Perspective.

The future is a little bit frightening

Everybody is kung-flu fighting

One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil.

“You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll ...

you hear about the guy who could smell the future?

they called him nosetradamus.

In the future, whenever they try to give examples of what can go wrong due to bad decisions, they will point to this year...

Coz hindsight is 2020.

Future Employer: How good are your Microsoft Office Skills?

Me: Mark my word, I excel in it. Just give me access to it and I'll show you all the powerpoints.





(pls don't bully if it is a dumb joke, first post here)

"Sorry, we don't serve people from the future in here."

A time-traveler walks into a bar.

Doc from back to the future didn’t use his delorean all that much

He only used it from time to time

A fortune teller sat in his tower, practicing seeing into the future.

Instead of using tarot cards or a crystal ball to read the future, he used fine cloth he imported from the East. One day, as he was peering into the future, a strong guest of wind blew through his open window, carrying the cloth straight out the other one. With it being his sole future-seeing cloth,...

how can the future not be postive?

It's always something to look forward too.

They say classical music was written to speak through the ages

Bach to the future.

Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self.

Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

Mary Poppins has moved to L.A. where she has opened a fortune-telling shop specializing in predicting future bad breath.

The sign outside reads: Super California Mystic Expert: Halitosis

I had a terrible dream of a dystopian future where robots controlled every aspect of our lives.

Luckily, I was awakened by my Tesla.

In the future water will be like sarcasm

No one will get it.

In the future, TVs will be 15 feet wide, only 2 inches tall,

and movies will still have those damn black bars on the top and bottom.

Today I got a job in the lightbulb installation field.

The future is bright.

birthday card I received from my brother...Forget about the past you can't change it,forget about the future,you can't predict it forget about the present...

I didn't get you one.

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

Why is the oil price falling to below zero?

Imagine the following...you pay $500 today and commit to receiving an escort at your house in 15 days.
Cos your wife is traveling.
This is called a futures contract.

Unfortunately, lockdown came and your wife will be home for the next 60 days.

You do not want this woman to show...

Did you hear about the guy who could see a week into the future?

He's got 2020 vision!

A man travelled into the future.

He didn't know how far he travelled and wondered when he was. He asked a man what year it was but he replied "i'm busy, i'm late for work!"

The time traveller got curious about his occupation and asked him.

The man replied "I'm in the family trade, like my father and grandfather before...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day, a teacher assigns the class to find out the definition of “politics.”

One day, a teacher assigns the class to find out the definition of “politics.”

One little boy in the class goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she...

"What do you wish to do in the future?" asks the teacher.

Pete: "I want to be a pilot"

Tommy: "I want to be a doctor"

Margaret: "I want to be a good mother"

Frank: "I want to help Margaret"

A man visits a wise man and meets his three daughters...

He's staying for the night and each of the girls come to him in turn to offer their hospitality.

The first one tells him her name is June because she was born in June. She is well practiced in fortune telling and gives him advice on the future.

The second one tells him her name is Augu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mr. and Mrs. Potato had three daughters who were as upstanding as they were lovely. One day the first daughter came home and exclaimed, “I have an announcement to make!” “And what might that be?” said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter’s eyes.

“Well...” replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin. “I’m getting married!”

The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, “Married! That’s wonderful! And who are you marrying, eldest daughter?”

“I’m marrying a Russet!”

“A Russet!” replied Moth...

My take on a classic.

Donald Trump visited a fortune teller one day. He walked in past all the mystic objects and sat down. The Teller read his palm, flipped her tarot cards, and stared into her crystal ball with a pensive look on her face. "What, what are you staring at?" The Donald asked with sweat on his brow.
<...

A wonderful birthday poem

**MARCUS:** Happy birthday, Bob. I have a poem for you.
**BOB:** Cool! Let me hear it!
**MARCUS:** Don’t worry about the past — you can’t change it.
Don’t worry about the future — you can’t predict it.
And don’t worry about the present — I didn’t get you one.

Headline: Herb-Powered Vehicle Sends User to Past or Future of Choice

Byline: Thyme Travel

I was in bed at 10 PM asking my roommate to please be quiet with the stroking and to be a little slower.

He said, “okay, I’ll be more gentle with the cat in the future.”

A father has a meeting with his future son-in-law

The father asks "I see you are in between jobs, how are you going to provide for yourself and my daugher?"

The young man replies "Well, God will provide"

The father continues by asking, "I assume you will be having children, how will you support them?".

The young man paused, and...

What did the fortune-teller say to the lightbulb?

"I see al bright future."

My friend said he wanted to be a sugar daddy in the future.

I told him, "Boy, with how broke you are, you'd be a splenda stepfather."

Gamer Funeral

"Here, we press F and pay our respects. As for the future, we must press W, and move forward."


*unequips headgear*

A man is visited by the three ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future.

Man: Whaaaaaaat are you three doing here?!?! I've enjoyed Christmas all my life, I've donated to Orphanages and Children's Hospitals every year, I open my mansion every Christmas to my friends, family, and their kids of course, to come together for one jolly ole' party, and hell I just took in this ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.

A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.

As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The bu...

I’m not having much luck with jobs lately.

I couldn’t concentrate in the orange juice factory; wasn’t suited to be a tailor; the muffler factory was just exhausting; couldn’t cut it as barber; didn’t have the patience to be a doctor; didn’t fit in the shoe factory; pool maintenance was too draining and I just couldn’t see any future as a his...

The beverage company Nage decided to do something new.

In the tiny village of Mars, Kansas, a new themepark opened on the outskirts of town. Touted as the future of entertainment, the beverage company "Nage" decided to take all their leftover & recycled parts of their product, and turn them into hardened plastic materials to construct their attracti...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Oedipus travels to the future.

When he arrives, he is amazed by the wonders he sees around him. He finds the nearest person he can. "Where am I, and what age is this?"

"Athens, 2019" the man says sarcastically.

"Athens!? This looks nothing of the city I know, and you tell me I traveled 2500 years into the future!?"<...

So there I was -

- out of work, day drinking in my underwear and moaning about the future.

Then the coronavirus hit.

What do you call it when British export and importers fight over future contract prices?

Pound for pound.

Donny is getting worried about his future as President.

He decides to call the world leaders he most admires. He makes a conference call to Putin, Kim Jong-un,and Rodrigo Duterte.

"Guys, next to me, you are the greatest leaders in the world. What can I do to stop from getting impeached?"

There is a lot of talking between them and then Vlad ...

A hen lays a shockingly huge egg.

News reporters visit the hen for an interview. “This is amazing,” they tell the hen, “a two pound egg, that’s unheard of!

Do you have any goals for the future?”

“Yes, I’m really aiming for a four pounder!” says the hen proudly.

“And you, sir, congratulations,” the reporters app...

A 30 year old jobless, homeless, broke guy went to a palm reading fortune teller to know when will his life be better.

Guy: How will my future be?

FT: Till you're 42, you'll suffer thinking about your life getting ruined, cleaned out, agonized, strapped, tortured, penniless, distressed, dirt poor, tormented, wasted, unproductive, exhausted, dried up and living a lifeless life.

Guy: So what happens aft...

In response to the invitation for a rather unusual reunion of all time greats.......

\* Newton said he'd drop in.
\* Socrates said he'd think about it.
\* Ohm resisted the idea.
\* Boyle said he was under too much pressure.
\* Darwin said he'd wait to see what evolved.
\* Pierre and Marie Curie radiated enthusiasm.
\* Volta was electrified at the prospe...

Lord came unto Noah

In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United
States , and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated,
and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good
humans."...

Peeing is like your future

Except clearer, and there's no question it's going down the drain.

Seeing as how Mount St Helen's been all over social media...

I vote we change her name to Mount St Karen..as a warning for future generations

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Past me always screws over future me.

But honestly, future me is probably a dick. So fuck that guy.

A time traveler comes back from the year 2045

I encountered a time traveler today. During my self isolation he came to the door dressed in a hazmat suit. I was of course alarmed when I opened the door to such a site. He quickly explained who he was and asked if he could have just a few minutes of my time. I didn't believe anything he was sa...

In a interview, my boss asked me, "Why do you think you should work here?"

I said, "My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

I then tried crushing cans for recycling, but I quit because it was soda-pressing....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you give a dollar to a stripper from the future....?

You pay her in ButtCoin.

Baby Yoda's first word

Probably came after his second word.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a man who had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it.

The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man. "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a...

Twenty thousand years into the future...

The astrobiology intern suddenly perks up at his station.
Intern: "Professor, we're receiving a periodic transmission from the direction of the Fr36 planetoids. I've converted the transmission into base 10 numerals and it keeps saying 14-5-22-5-18 7-15-14-14-1 7-9-22-5 25-15-21 21-16"
Professo...

Despite Brexit, English is set to become the EU official language...

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union, given its majority status in the EU, despite the UK leaving.

As part of the final Brexit negotiations, Germany proposed a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known ...

Somewhere, buried down deep in the ground

Is the bar future presidents have to get over in order to seem credible, effective, or hell even just aware of their surroundings.

I once met my future self and he told me:

If you can only once travel back in time to give yourself advice, go further back than four sec....

Two guys are talking when one says, “Hey I finally finished that book I was writing about the indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole.”

And the other guy says to him, “It’s about time.”

I dont see why we need to leave our planet in a better state for future generations

The current generation cant get out of middle school before dying off.

Possibly, a joke for the future.

\- All aliens are notoriously bad drivers.

\- Hey, that's space-ist.

What do you call an italian fortune teller with a negative outlook on the future?

A pesto-mystic.

A man goes to a fortune teller to see his future.

The fortune teller says: "Oh, I see that on Friday, your wife will die."
"I already know that," replies the man, "what I need to know is whether I will be arrested..."

A man wins the lottery...

[*I heard this joke for the first time as a 13 year old at a family party. So imagine my mild mannered German 70 year old great uncle calmly telling this joke to the whole table. I had never heard him tell a joke before. It's still one of my favourite jokes*]

A man wins the lottery after year...

Think of a dark future where humanity has to take to the stars because earth is no longer inhabitable.

That's unsettling

Wow, I'm getting a $1200 check from the President

I feel kind-of like Stormy Daniels.

...well actually this check is for a future stimulus, Stormy's was a check for a past stimulus.

I was a peripheral visionary...

I could see the future, but only way off to the side. - Stephen Wright

A man with 12 kids visits his Dr., asking for advice on how to prevent future pregnancies...

“Have you tried condoms?” Asks the Dr.

“I did, and it resulted in 3 kids!” said the man.

“Have you tried birth control?”

“I did! And it resulted in another 3 kids!”

“Have you tried IUD (intrauterine implants)?”

“I did! And it resulted in 3 kids!”

Confounde...

How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only two: One to promise a bright future and another one to screw it up.

Italian Wedding Test!

I was a very happy man.

My wonderful Italian girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me....It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight m...

In the future, dating robots will be casual

Relationships will all be on again, off again

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A catholic, jew and a muslim are talking.

The catholic says: "Hmmm, I wonder what'll happen in 2030..."

The muslim follows with: "Dude, why are you going so far into the future? It's still like 700 years till 2030..."

The jew finishes with: "...Guys? What are you talking about? 2030 was like, I dunno, 3000 years ago?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[On the way to the therapist] Me: You’re going to bring up the fact that I always try to predict the future, aren’t you?

Her: Yes.

Me: I knew it!

As it was past Thanos fighting very hard with present Avengers, he was literally fighting for his future.

The battle was actually pretty..... In tense.







A polo G if repost.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I found a couple of disturbing pornographic drawings that my children did, so I threw them in the fire.

But I kept the drawings for future reference.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.