What did the fake psychic say when she got the ability to see the future?

I could prophet off of this.

The past, the future, and the present all walked into a bar at the same time.

It was tense.

birthday card I received from my brother...Forget about the past you can't change it, forget about the future, you can't predict it, forget about the present...

I didn't get you one.

my mom was comforting my younger sister after she lost her phone, saying sometimes mistakes happen but they make our futures better...

and i, very loudly, stated "she's talking about me"

When future autonomous cars are connected on a network and speak to eachother, they won't need turn signals anymore.

... So BMW owners will have to figure out some other safety system to just not use.

A man travelled to the future to see how he died.

Past man followed himself through the timeline (without being noticed) to find the day he died.

He then followed himself around town to see how he died.

First, future man went to the bank. He withdrew some money and got on his way.

Next, he got on a train to get somewhere else....

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I've just watched the Alabama version of 'Back to the Future,'

Unlike his counterpart, this version of Marty McFly can't resist the temptations of his mother and ends up fucking her,

Then he travels back in time.

People these days recoil at the idea of brain transplants becoming possible in the near future.

Just wait until we develop the technology. They'll change their minds.

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I saw my therapist today, and said "You are going to bring up my obsession with predicting the future, aren't you?" She said Yes.

I said "I knew it!!"

Past, Present, and Future walked into a bar, and it was simply tense.

As they were drinking it was clear it was becoming progressively tenser.

By the time they'd walked out it had become perfectly tense.

I wrote relationship advice for my future self couple years ago, since single people give the best advice.

I still give great advice.

This was an actual conversation that took place between my wife and my 7 yr old son just now.

My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."

My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my futu...

Melinda is moving out, and her future is dark.

Her new home does not have Windows.

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Did you know if you drink the liquid in magic 8 balls you can tell the future?

My friend said he was going to die then he died (:

I met my future wife today!

My present wife isn't happy

A woman wants to know if her 3 future sons-in-law will be thrustworthy... ... So she decides to take them one by one on a walk and pretend to slip and fall into the water to see what they will do. And so it goes.

On the first walk, she pretends to slip and falls into the water. The first son-in-law takes of his shoes & coat and jumps in the water. The next day there is new family sedan parked in front of the house. There is a letter for the son-in-law which says:

_Thank you for saving me, here is ...

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Me: I can see into the future

Therapist: When did this start?

Me: Next Monday.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To my future wife and widow :

when I die I want you to mix my ashes with a bowl of chili, then eat it. Just so that I can tear that ass up one more time.

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God: Gabriel, have you finished setting up future events for the 2020s?

Gabriel: Yes, God, I have - wait, did you say 2020s plural? As in the decade?

God: Of course, what else?

Gabriel: I thought you meant 2020 the year.

God: You put a decade worth of history in one year?

Gabriel: Yes

God: Well, shit.

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Past, Present and Future walk into a bar.

Past says: I’ve ordered a beer.

Present says: I’m ordering a beer.

Future says: I’ll order a beer.

As they sip their beers, a girl enters the bar.

Past says: I’ve fucked her.

Present says: I’m fucking her.

Future says: I’ll fuck her.

Past says: I had ...

I can predict the future!

You’re about to be disappointed.

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In the future Mexico became the wealthies, most transparent, most peaceful, most progressive, most developed and most prosperous nation in the Americas while the US became a 3th world shithole.

As such many Mexicans decided to move back to Mexico but among them there were also Americans trying to emmigrate. As such the border checks were supposed to make sure that those going in Mexico were Mexicans and not American immigrants.


A man aproaches the border and is asked: "What's yo...

I've once fooled an entire class filled with future Doctors, Lawyers, and scientists...

Of course they were all in Kindergarten so it wasn't hard

Why wasn't Wanda making future plans?

She had no Vision.

You won’t believe how easy it is to predict the future!

All you need to do is to look into a crystal ball, purchasable from my website for only $999!

You don’t believe me?

See? Exactly what I predicted!

This joke has a bright future...

How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb?



Juan

What do you call an Indian robot killer from the future?

Turbanator.

If you drink that fluorescent liquid there's inside those party bracelets you can predict the future

My friend just drank 5 of them and said he was going to die, 2 hours later he was dead.

Man, people with glasses must be able to see into the future.

Why?

Because they have four-sight.

Future is shaped by your dreams.

So, stop wasting time and go to sleep.

Did I just wake up in the future or the past?

Because this feels like twenty twenty too.

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There was a man who had 3 girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it.

The first 1 went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The 2nd one went out and bought new golf clubs, a Dvd player, a televis...

Tomorrow is the future...

But also the Present Day.

[Long] A Russian Jew...

...is migrating to Israel after much paperwork and waiting.

At Moscow airport, customs found a statue of Lenin in his baggage and asked him, "What is this?"

The man replied, "What is this? Wrong question comrade. You should have asked: who is he? This is the most respected Comrade Leni...

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Cain, son of Adam, had a shit load of responsibilities.

Aside from being a farmer Cain was supposed to murder his brother and do a whole slew of other shit so that future generations could learn from his mistakes. The lord felt pity for Cain’s workload and assigned another human to shoulder some of the load. He called him co-cain. Co-cain helped him get ...

A Sensitive Guy

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bed...

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What is politics?

oldie but goldie...



A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Governmen...

future*

I recently discovered I have a mediocre superpower, and I didn't know where else to share it. I can see into the futuer, but only to correct my own typos.

Sometime in the future, Canada will rule the earth.

And then you’ll all be sorry.

I'm from far in the future, the year 2104.

I came to ask you all a question; Why does my history textbook have a separate chapter for every month of 2020?

What do you call a crossover between Star Wars and Back to the Future.

The Man Delorean

What do you call a psychic who is bad at predicting the future?

Non-prophet.

Step 1: Travel back in time

Step 2: Impress people with your ability to predict the future

Step 3: ???

Step 4: Prophet

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One day, a father and his daughter are together.

The father is putting the daughter to sleep. After the father leaves, he hears her saying her prayers. He hears her say, '' God bless mommy, daddy, and grandma, rest in peace grandpa. The father hears all of this and barges back into the room. He asks her, '' Why did you say the last part? '' The da...

Man comes up to Putin

...says, “Sir, we have a man outside who can tell the future.” Putin says, “Have him shot. If he could tell the future, he wouldn’t have come.”

I met a fish from the future and asked him what his favourite genre of music was. He answered,

"Future Bass"

I don't know how to tell my future child

That zoomers doesn't mean the generation that learned through zoom

How does Super Mario see into the future?

He uses a Luigi board

How will the youth of the future mock the COVID-19 generation?

OK Zoomer!

One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil.

“You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll ...

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I went to see a gypsy women to have my future told

As we were looking in the crystal ball she said solemnly, "it seems you won't be able to have children" at this I got up to leave and the crystal ball rolled of the table and crushed my testicles.

What kind of dinosaur is best at seeing the future?

A tarot-dactyl!

How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?

One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.

I stole this from one of [elee0228](/u/elee0228) comments.

Did you hear that Disney+ is making a crossover between Star Wars and Back to the Future where the time machine is half car and half person?

It’s called the Man-DeLorean.

The baby that could see the future

A baby is born and during its christening, mutters “God bless Mummy, god bless Daddy, god bless Grandma, goodbye Granddad” and the next day the Granddad suddenly dies.

A few weeks pass and the baby speaks up again, babbling “God bless Mummy, god bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma” and sure enough t...

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

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Billy asked his grandpa "is there a word for not knowing if what you're thinking of is a distant, vague memory or a blurry premonition about the future?"

"Yes, Billy, it's called being high."

Why is reading the onion more useful than reading the Wall Street Journal?

Because the Wall Street Journal is about the past, while the Onion is about the future

Time, of course, doesn't exist. There's no past, no present, no future. Just one constant pulsating moment.

And that point, the guy said to me, "Just give me a rough idea of the time, mate."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey! Fuck you future me!

Edit: Fuck you too bro

It's you, from the future!

*Knock knock*

Who's there?

I was feeling bad about the future today, but then I installed the new version of office.

It improved my outlook.

What's the secret to your happy marriage?

The future son in law asks his future father in law.

He replies:

Well son, I took my new wife to the Grand canyon for our honeymoon. We rented mules to go down into the canyon. About a ¼ mile in the mule my betrothed was on steped into a hole on the trail and almost threw her. She whis...

The lion was a an avid golf player

One day, he was randomly paired up with another cat. This cat was something else. Every time he'd tee off, zoom! He'd go running down the fairway, often beating the ball down the hole.

Not only was he fast as but he was good, really good. Every shot landed in the fairway, or even on the gr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I first saw "Back to the Future" I thought: "shit, this dude is going to bang his mom."

But luckily, they got caught fingering and were thrown out of the cinema.

A boy gets a parrot for his birthday

A boy gets a pet parrot for his birthday.

The parrot is constantly swearing, and saying rude things. The boy tries to teach his parrot to stop saying bad words and things like that. He plays calm music to the parrot, he reads stories to the parrot, he tries everything he can to get the parrot...

Strange medical issue

Guy, suddenly feeling quite 'off ' makes an appointment to see his doctor. When he finally sees his doctor, the doc asks "so what's going on?". The guy replies "well doc, it's weird but I can suddenly tell future". Perplexed, the doctor asks "well when did this start?" The man replies "next Tuesday"...

Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self.

Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

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Astrology

A man goes to the doctor After a few tests he says  “Doc, I’m not feeling too good about my future health.”

The doctor says “Neither do I. Mercury is in Uranus after all.”

The man replies  “What? I'm shocked that a doctor believes in that astrology stuff.”

“Oh, not that” answer...

My watch can predict the future! — That's impossible! Can you prove it? — Sure! — glances at the watch — Right now it's saying you have no panties. — You see? That is wrong, I have panties on right now.

— Oh, I'm sorry, its 10 minutes fast...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Before you know your future partner and after you marry them is like the same thing

There’s no sex

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Adolf Hitler goes to a fortune teller to have his future read to him...

He walks up to the gypsy and she looks deep into he crystal ball. She tells him that he would die on a jewish holiday. Hitler, stunned by her prediction, seems worried and asks her what makes her so sure of her prediction. She replies “Because any day that you die on will be considered a jewish h...

An Indian is meeting his future wife via an arranged marriage and he father for the first time...

An Indian is meeting his future wife via an arranged marriage and he father for the first time. Her father is a heart surgeon. At one point in the evening, the father pulls the man aside and says, "There is something you should know about Saanvi before you wed. I am her doctor as well as her fa...

"I want my future kids to think 'wow mommy and daddy are really in love' "

So you want them to be delusional?

Whenever I get a sock from the laundry without the other sock, I keep this sock in the hopes of finding the partner in the future.

I call these socks lost soles.

I could be a great fortune teller.

But something tells me I have no future in it.

A made up a joke about covid-19 that will work only in the future...

... It'll be fun when nobody gets it.

(Stay safe y'all)

Some actors are famous for playing the same role in multiple movies, but none so much as Lee Navarre.

Lee Navarre had starred in a couple of low budget films like Greta's Gallery and Fisherman Flanagan, but no one really took note of him till he was seen in the first movie of the mystery series "When Midnight Chimes". As we all know, it was an instant hit and Navarre gained a lot of critical acclaim...

I really wish people would stop talking about my problematic past.

It’s time to talk about my problematic future.

I always thought Doc in Back To The Future should have driven the Delorean a lot more

Instead of just from time to time

I've always worried about what my future might hold, but when I got my girlfriend pregnant

my fate became a parent

"What do you wish to do in the future?" asks the teacher.

Pete: "I want to be a pilot"

Tommy: "I want to be a doctor"

Margaret: "I want to be a good mother"

Frank: "I want to help Margaret"

I’m a time traveler, and I came here to tell you a joke from the future.

But it’s just too far ahead of its time.

I just heard Back to the Future was getting a re-release at the cinema.

It’s about time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Future historians will have difficulties studying about our pornstars

because we delete them from our history.

What do you call a duck that can see the future?

Clairbuoyant.

A man finds a mysterious looking gem buried deep in the desert.

He proceeds to clean the gem when suddenly a genie pops out.

Genie: My name is Hughe mhist ake and I will answer any ONE question no matter what it is. Ask me about the past, present or future and I shall answer.

Man: Amazing! If I ask you how I will die, will I be able to change the f...

Why haven't we come across any time traveller from the future?

The world ends in 2020. So does humanity.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's a little known legend about the Brothers Grimm: they wanted to write a story to rival The Ugly Duckling. For 'research' purposes, they bought a hundred ducks and released them into a cave..

..planning to return years later to document their behavior. Unfortunately both passed away before that, and the project was forgotten.


This information came to light hundreds of years later in 2>!XXX!<, during an investigation into strange quacking noises and numerous missing p...

When the Chinese spoke about the future colonisation of the world

they probably meant coronisation.

When my future children ask me about my highschool graduation...

And how I answer:

“The graduation was great! But the reception was terrible.”

No future laughs

I was gonna tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn’t like it.

Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device, otherwise known as the BOOK.

It's a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet...

In the distant future scientists invent a special time machine

It can send messages back to the past, as a dream to a single person.

Because of all the problems Covid-19 caused, they decided to try and warn the world before hand. So a dream message was sent back to the year 2017: "Covid is fatal will arrive in fall 2019. Covid is fatal will arrive in fal...

In the future water will be like sarcasm

No one will get it.

Future Employer: How good are your Microsoft Office Skills?

Me: Mark my word, I excel in it. Just give me access to it and I'll show you all the powerpoints.





(pls don't bully if it is a dumb joke, first post here)

Future generations increasingly find it harder to receive sympathy as they get sick

My grandchild was sick the other day and I asked him if it was the flu.

“No, it’s the new COVID-69.”

All I could say was, “nice.”

Your past self is an a-hole for leaving all these chores for you to do

...luckily your future self surely has more time than you now have, so you can rely on him doing them

Oedipus wants to learn of his fate.

He travels to Thebes to consult the blind prophet Tiresias and asks him, "What does my future hold?"

Tiresias thinks quietly for a time and answers, "First you'll murder your father."

Oedipus is shocked to hear that he'll become a killer, but there must be more to his fate.

He ...

What will people say when they are able to handle pandemics properly in the future?

Hindsight is 2020.

In the future, TVs will be 15 feet wide, only 2 inches tall,

and movies will still have those damn black bars on the top and bottom.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Life Without E-Mail

An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).

After the test, the manager says, "You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Death or Ruru?

Three men were flying over a deserted island. They experienced plane troubles and are forced to land. They soon were greeted by a group of Pigmies who kidnap them and take them back to their camp.

The three are given a choice as to their future. The Chief asks the first guy: "Death or Ruru?...

Me : No matter how bad my past is, my future is bright.

Parents : Nah son, it's burning.

There's a new Back to the Future sequel coming out

It's about time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do Boomers make the best sugar daddies?

They're the best at fucking future generations.


Edit: u/squee45 for the superior punchline.


Edit 2 electric bugaloo: You all wanted to know what the original punchline was, so it was "they're the best at fucking the next generation"

"Sorry, we don't serve people from the future in here."

A time-traveler walks into a bar.

The personal assistant enters Stalin's office to announce to him: "Comrade Stalin, a clairvoyant is waiting outside demanding an audience with you. He says that he is able to foresee the future."

Stalin, still bent over the table, calmly replies: "He shall be executed. If he really foresaw the future, he would never want to meet me."

In the future, whenever they try to give examples of what can go wrong due to bad decisions, they will point to this year...

Coz hindsight is 2020.

As much as I love Black History Month

Why can’t there a Black Future Month so I know who to bet on in NBA games?

When my friend told me he's finally going to watch Back to the Future

, I said it's about time.

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