Hearing Jokes

At the parole hearing, the officer asked, "Tell me, why should you be released early?" The inmate responded, "It’s bec..."

Officer: Yes?

Inmate: I think I have..

Officer: Go on.

Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?

Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

A man with hearing problems crashed his car into an expensive car,

The owner of the expensive car walks out of his house and says “give me 10.000 dollars or I’ll beat the hell out of you!!” The man replies “Woah woah buddy I don’t have that much, but let me call my son he trains dolphins”. The man calls his son and right as he was about to talk the owner of the exp...

An elderly man thinks his wife is losing her hearing so he calls their doctor.

The doctor tells him "We need to figure out how bad her hearing is. Using a normal tone, talk to her at various distances until she can hear you."

That night the man decides to try this. He estimates he is sitting about 30 feet from his wife and asks her, "What's for dinner?"

He hears ...

I love hearing jokes about anti-vax kids

They never get old.

I said to my teenage son "There are two words I'm hearing a lot, and they're starting to grate"

"I'd like you to stop using them so much, please. One of them is 'cringe' and the other is 'epic'. Do you think you could manage that?"

He said "Sure, Dad -- what are the two words?"

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"

The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "It would to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, whom is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little piano. The piano man starts pla...

Hearing that Jesus loves you is a very comforting thing

Unless you’re in a Mexican prison

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For years I’ve been hearing about how Cosmo’s Sex Tips changed peoples love lives for the better

Wanda must be one lucky lady!

A group of hard of hearing people are protesting

"What do we want?"

"Hearing aids!"

"When do we want it?"

"Hearing aids!"

Two identical twin brothers, George and Ted, turned 100. George's hearing was just as good as ever, but Ted was slightly deaf.

An attractive female photographer came to the retirement home to take the brothers' picture. "I'm going to take your picture," she said.

"What did she say?" asked Ted. "She says she's going to take our picture," replied George. So George and Ted followed the photographer to a room.

Ins...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I can't sleep at night because I keep hearing my therapist telling me I have attachment issues

I really need to soundproof my basement

Paul: I got these really nice hearing aids. It was an amazing deal!

Bill: Oh yeah? What kind is it?

Paul: It is half past 9.

I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices.

He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.

“Doctor, I keep hearing voices coming from my underpants”...

“Oh, that’s nothing to worry about, they’re just talking bollocks”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young priest is hearing confession one Saturday

And in walks a man who sits down across the screen, saying “father forgive me for i have sinned. I’ve been making illegal whiskey.” The priest, being new to the profession and the parish, thinks for a minute before saying “I’ll have to speak to the Monsignor for your penance.” The priest goes to his...

I went to a doctor complaining of hearing problems

The doctor said “okay describe the symptoms” so I replied “no problem mate Homer’s ͏͏͏fat and Marge has blue hair”

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

“Doctor, my hearing is getting worse...”

- Can you explain the symtoms?
- Well, Homer is fat, bald and ugly; Bart is...

I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.

Apparently they are called children.

Partners of women with a hearing problem are in the happiest relationship.

They always say, "Come again?"

I called the cops after hearing my neighbor yelling and screaming at his cup of tea for hours on end

It was herbal abuse

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.