UPJOKE
listeneardiscoverseecatchoverhearpick upfindeardrumlearnrehearsoundauditory systemtrypinna

Hearing Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom...

He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Johnny screams. Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. Johnny runs away, screaming. Once dad has finished mom off, he uncuffs her. She imme...

A man with hearing problems crashed his car into an expensive car,

The owner of the expensive car walks out of his house and says “give me 10.000 dollars or I’ll beat the hell out of you!!” The man replies “Woah woah buddy I don’t have that much, but let me call my son he trains dolphins”. The man calls his son and right as he was about to talk the owner of the exp...

I'm American, and I'm sick of hearing that America is the stupidest country in the world.

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world...

[At a parole hearing] Officer: Tell me, why should you be released early?

Inmate: It’s bec..

Officer: Yes?

Inmate: I think I have..

Officer: Go on.

Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?

Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

I went to the doctors with hearing problems...

He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"
So I replied "Homers fat, and Marge has blue hair"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice...

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.

“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again...

I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices

He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist

Hearing aid

Having lost most of his hearing a number of years ago, this elderly man goes to the doctor to be fitted with hearing aids which promise to allow him to hear 100%.

A month later, he returns to the doctor for a check up on his progress. The doctor tells him that his hearing is perfect and asks...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hard of Hearing Genie

(Sorry its a long joke, but worth it I promise)


So a man walks into a bar with a burlap sack. He pulls out a small piano, bench, and a tiny piano player, who begins to play songs on the miniature piano.


The Bartender, intrigued, asks the man where he got it. The man proceeds to...

Wife has hearing problems

A old man thinks his wife is losing her hearing. He calls the doctor about it and the doctor says he can do a little experiment to determine the severity, "Ask her a question from the next room in a normal tone of voice, and keep asking while coming closer until she can hear you. That way you know...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly man suspects that his wife may be losing her hearing

He knows his wife doesn't want to accept the fact that she is getting older and isn't as youthful as she used to be. So he goes to the doctor himself to ask if anything can be done about it.

Man: Doc, I think my wife may be losing her hearing. Is there anything I can do for her?

Docto...

How do hearing aid batteries compare to other batteries?

They produce a lower number of whats.

A court hearing about theft in a major company.

**Judge**: Witness Sawyer, are you aware what awaits you in case of false testimony?

**Secretary**: Yes, Your Honor, the boss was saying something about ten thousand dollars and a mink furcoat.

Hearing Loss Symptoms

Worried he was losing his hearing, a man makes a doctor visit.

The doctor asked, "please describe the symptoms".

"Well, he's bald and overweight and she's tall with blue hair."

I'm so tired of hearing Law and Order jokes.

They've all been done done.

After hearing me sing, my music teacher said that I should be tenor.

Ten or twelve feet away from all musical instruments at all times.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I found a hearing aid outside my garden gate.

When I saw my neighbour I asked, "Excuse me sir, is this yours?"

The ignorant bastard just ignored me.

Three old, hard-of-hearing men are out for a walk....

"Windy isn't it?" the first old man says.

"No, its Thurday." replies the second old man.

The third one says "Yeah, so am I. Let's go get a drink!"

Healing hearing

Leroy walks into a bar and finds the preacher there offering to pray for anyone. Leroy gets in line, and the preacher asks: "What can I do for you?" He replies, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear and prays with all his might. Finally,...

My doctor told me I am begining to lose my hearing.

It was very hard to hear that.

What did Oppenheimer say when he lost his hearing?

I am become deaf.

"Doctor, I think my wife has a hearing problem. "

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I think my wife has a hearing problem. She doesn't seem to hear what ever I tell her."

The doctor replies, "Oh, is that so? Well, let me try to help you. Just try this method when you get home today. Stand around 50 feet from her and ask her somethi...

A man goes to the doctor because he has a hearing problem...

The man says to the doctor that he has a hearing problem, because whenever he farts he can barely hear them.

The doctor promptly prescribes him some medicine, explaining to him to take it before each meal.

The man is elated and asks if he will get all his hearing back, to which the doc...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.