[At parole hearing] Officer: Why should you be released early?

Man: I’m ..

Officer: Go on.

Man: I think...

Officer: Yes?

Man: Can I please finish my sentence?

Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom

He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Johnny screams. Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. Johnny runs away, screaming. Once dad has finished mom off, he uncuffs her. She imme...

A judge is hearing a child abuse case...

The mother was found guilty and the judge had decided that the boy would go to live with his estranged father.



But the boy quietly quivered 'Please don't'



'Why not?' The judge asked.



'Because he beats me too.'



'Oh my dear boy. Do you want t...

What do we want? FREE HEARING AIDS!!

When do we want them?? FREE HEARING AIDS!!

I keep hearing music coming from the printer.

I think the paper is jamming.

I keep hearing people say these SoCal earthquakes are being caused by the heat or as punishment for how we have been acting. I think they are wrong.

It is actually the San Andreas's fault.

What do you call an old man with his hearing aids turned off?

Anything you want, he can't hear you.

Doctor, doctor, I think my hearing's going!

What are the symptoms?

Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie

DOCTOR: So you’re here for a hearing test?

ME: Yeah.

DOCTOR:

ME:

DOCTOR: I mean, you passed.

REPORTER: "Mr. Trump, how are you feeling today after hearing the charges have been made official?"

DONALD: "I'm peachy"

I told my psychiatrist that I'm hearing voices

He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist

A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but didn't want to spend a lot of money.

“How much do they cost?" he asked the salesman.

"They range from $2 to $2,000."

"Can I see the $2 model?" said the customer.

The salesman put a large device around the
man's neck, and said: "You just stick this red tube in your ear and run this cable down into your pocket." ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.

“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again...

I went to the doctor with hearing problems

He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"

I said "Homer is fat, Lisa is smart and Marge has blue hair"

What are bombing instructors in Jihad camps getting tired of hearing?

"Ok Boomer"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mickey Mouse is standing in front of a judge at his divorce hearing.

The judge says "OK Mr. Mouse, let me get this straight. You want a divorce from Mrs. Mouse because she's *silly*?"

Mickey replied "No! I said shes fucking Goofy!"

I asked my wife to rate my hearing skills

She said " i think you are an 8 on a scale of 10".

I still don't know why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton?

I'm a Sikh and really tired of hearing "sikh" puns on any post related to Sikhs

I'm sikh of this joke.

i'm tired of hearing how Swedish cars are made...

it's such a Saab story.

Hearing aids can change your life...

...especially when your immunologist is completely sure about your std tests.

I told my doctor, “I have a problem with the hearing in one of my ears.”

He said, “Are you sure?”

I said, “Yes, I’m definite.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If there is one thing that democrats and republicans can agree on during this impeachment hearing...

...it's that "quid pro quo" is really fucking fun to say!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband goes to an ENT doctor, fed up with his wife's hearing problem.

Husband: Doctor, I am frustrated with my wife's hearing or lack there of. It feels like I am talking to myself all the time. Please help.

Doctor: Where is your wife?

Husband: I called her many times, she didn't respond. I angrily left my home to meet you.

Doctor: Since she is no...

A little girl stands before a judge at her custody hearing

The judge asks "would you like to live with your mom?"

The little girl, horrified, shakes her head and says, "No! My mom beats me. I never want to live with her!"

The judge, taken aback a bit, says, "We can give custody to your father, and you can live with him."

"No!" The littl...

Sound hearing,

It's like sight seeing, in a different sense.

I shouted into the canyon in hopes of hearing my echo.

It was a resounding success.

An old priest climbs a mountain and asks god:

"dear lord, I've given you my life and my love. I've dedicated my entire life to spreading your name. In my old day, please grand me a wish"

So God told him "fine, you are granted one wish. But don't make it to difficult on me."

The priest thinks for a while and then says "dear god, I...

A politician visits a village on the campaign trail and asks the villagers what their needs are

“We have two basic needs, Sir” replies the village leader. “Firstly, we have a hospital but no doctor”

On hearing this the politician brings out his phone, and after speaking for a while he tells them not to worry, a doctor will be present tomorrow and asks what the second problem is.
...

I didn't volunteer in the Army - I was forced to join by parents

I wasn't going to make life easy for anyone. During my medical tests, the doctor asked softly,

Can you read the letters on the wall?

What letters? I answered shrewdly.

"Good", said the doctor.

"You passed the hearing test."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny asked his teacher if he could talk to her after class

Johnny:" Miss I believe im too smart for my age I want to move on directly to high-school, I'm bored in here."
Hearing that, teacher can't believe his audacity, but nevertheless aranges with the principal an exam in his office for the boy.
The principal is astounded to find that Johnny had an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sailor and a priest are playing golf...

The sailor takes a shot. He places the ball down, smacks it with the club, and watches as it goes flying straight into a sand trap. The sailor mumbles to himself

“Fuck, I missed...”

The priest, hearing him, immediately snaps round and says

“Young man! Please do not use such awf...

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