Hearing Jokes

Two identical twin brothers, George and Ted, turned 100. George's hearing was just as good as ever, but Ted was slightly deaf.

An attractive female photographer came to the retirement home to take the brothers' picture. "I'm going to take your picture," she said.

"What did she say?" asked Ted. "She says she's going to take our picture," replied George. So George and Ted followed the photographer to a room.

Ins...

I went to a doctor complaining of hearing problems

The doctor said “okay describe the symptoms” so I replied “no problem mate Homer’s ͏͏͏fat and Marge has blue hair”

A man was concerned that his wife was losing her hearing.

So, he went to see a doctor but without his wife because he was afraid that his wife might get angry.

When he explained this to the doctor, the doctor understandably said, "I can't treat someone without seeing them! Bring her with you tomorrow"

But the man pleaded, "Please doctor, just...

"Have I ever told you my sudden hearing loss story?"

"Well you see there was a man who-" *cut of suddenly and keep moving your mouth like you're still talking*

What do you call crazy judge who sentences seconds after the hearing begins?

Judgemental

I told my psychiatrist that I’ve been hearing voices.

He told me that I don’t have a psychiatrist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

my boyfriend has hearing aids.

i asked him, “how did you get hearing aids?” he replied, “phone sex, darling.”

[At parole hearing] Officer: Why should you be released early?

Man: I’m ..

Officer: Go on.

Man: I think...

Officer: Yes?

Man: Can I please finish my sentence?

Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

Did you hear the one about the guy with the broken hearing aid?

Neither did he.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I finally experienced the runner's high I kept hearing about.

For those wondering, it's just like Ayahuasca. First, you start seeing shit that isn't real and then you throw up a lot.

I keep hearing strange music coming from my attic...

I went up there to check, but all I found was a Deadmau5....

- My new hearing aids are so good, they've restored my hearing to its full potential

- That's awesome, how long have you had them?
- About 200$

(Apparently, I said this joke in my sleep, and don't recall ever hearing it before, so I may have come up with it in my sleep as well.) Did you hear the one about the professional hockey player who quit his job to become an accountant?

He wanted an off-ice job.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mickey Mouse finds himself in front of a divorce hearing..

Judge " Mr. Mouse I can't see on these grounds to grant the divorce on the fact Miney Mouse is fucking silly"

Mickey Mouse " Your honor I never said she was fucking silly I said she was fucking Goofy"

One my dad loves to tell from time to time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom

He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Johnny screams. Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. Johnny runs away, screaming. Once dad has finished mom off, he uncuffs her. She imme...

A judge was hearing a case between two parties.

During recess, one party approached the judge and offered a sum of money for a favorable decision. His honorable happily accepted the bribe.

When the other party knew the judge was bribed, they approached him and offered twice the amount of the opposing party. Like the first party, his honor...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my therapist that I was scared of loosing my hearing....

...but it fell on deaf fears.

What did Quentin Terrantino do after hearing that Tom Hanks got COVID-19?

He promptly placed himself in a Quarantino to limit contact with the outsiders.

I keep hearing people say these SoCal earthquakes are being caused by the heat or as punishment for how we have been acting. I think they are wrong.

It is actually the San Andreas's fault.

After hearing me sing for the first time, my music teacher told me I should be tenor.

Ten or twelve feet away from all musical instruments at all times.

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