UPJOKE
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I found a bundle of dollar bills in the street. As a devout Christian, I asked myself, “What would Jesus do?”

So I turned it into wine.

Husband: I heard a rumor that the postman's slept with all the women on our street, except for one.

Wife: I bet it's that's snooty Priscilla Quinn in Number 12.

I met a homeless guy on the streets today who was asking for money.

I had 20 dollars with me but I didn't want it to be spent on drugs and alcohol so i gave him all of it.

Why did Captain Hook cross the street?

To get to the second hand store.

A homeless man is on the street corner begging for money

A wealthy lawyer walks past him. "Pardon me, sir, but do you have any spare change?"

The lawyer looks annoyed, and turns to him. "No, no I don't. I don't believe in giving handouts to bums. But I tell you what," he said, handing him a business card, "if you come to my house tomorrow morni...

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An old man is walking down the street with a bag slung over his shoulder...

A young man is walking down the street in the opposite direction. As they are about to pass, the curious youngster asks, “Hey old man, what’s in the bag?”. The old man replies, “In this bag young sir are magic apples!”. The young fella replies, “Bullshit!”. The old man takes the bag off of his shoul...

A priest is walking down the street when he sees a little girl trying to reach a door knocker that is high-up on a front door.

"Let me help," he says, knocking on the door. "Now is there anything else I can do?"

"Yes," says the girl, "Now we run like crazy."

A man is on a street corner in Moscow yelling “The president is an idiot “

Police surround him and handcuff him. They say “it is illegal to insult President Putin”

He says “You don’t understand I mean the Ukrainian president, Zelensky, he is the one I was insulting “

The police captain says “you can’t fool us, everyone knows who the idiot is”

They were going to name a street after Chuck Norris…

Then they realized nobody can cross Chuck Norris and live.

Two guys are walking down the street...

Two guys are walking down the street and they see a dog licking himself. The one guy says "I sure wish I could do that." The other responds "I'd try petting him first."

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German stop to watch a street performer.

The performer sees them arrive and since they’re at the back of the crowd asks them if they can see properly.

“Yes.”

“Oui.”

“Si.”

“Ja.”

Two nuns are riding their bikes through a scenic cobbled street…

One turns to the other smiling and asks “Have you ever come this way before? The other nodded and said “It’s the cobblestones!”

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A man is driving down the street one night and sees a nun hitchhiking on the side of the road.

Wanting to do a good deed, he pulls over and offers to pick her up.

Thankful, the nun gladly accepts his ride and tells him where she is heading. This happens to be on the way for him anyway, so even better!

The conversation on the way is a bit stiff at first — you know, not really kno...

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Prince Charles decided to take up walking and everyday, at the same street corner, he would pass a hooker .

**He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.**
**“One hundred and fifty pounds!” she’d shout. “No! Five pounds!” he said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.**
**This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. She’d...

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Two potatoes are standing on a street corner. How do you know which one is the prostitute?

It's the one with the sticker that says I-da-ho.

Drunk guy is walking down the street…

…one foot on the road, one on the sidewalk. One foot on the road, one on the sidewalk…

Cop comes up and asks “You drunk?”

Drunk guy says “Whew…thank God I thought I was cripple!”

(I believe this was a Hicks joke…enjoy!)

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3 Tampons,are walking down the street side by side. Which one says hi first?

None, they’re all stuck up cunts.

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I got into a street fight with the dairy cartel...

...Being lactose intolerant, I immediately knew shit was about to go down.

It's my cake day, so one of my favorite jokes ... A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.

His parents look at the truck and ask, "Where did you get that truck?!"

"I bought it today," he says. "With what money?" says his mother. They knew what a new F150 cost.

"Well," he says, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."

The father looks at him like he's crazy. "Who wo...

A disheveled man is busking on the side of the street in London with a sign that says “Falklands War Veteran”

A well-dressed man notices this and feels bad, having himself been a veteran of the British Army. He pities the busker and tells him, “It must be a pity to serve your country and then come home to this. I served in the army, in fact, so I know what it’s like. Maybe this will help you out.” He then g...

My neighbour across the street said he was born in Micronesia. My next door neighbour said he was born in Indonesia. I told them I was born in Amnesia.

My father forgot to wear a condom.

A piece of string was walking down the street…

It was hot and he saw a bar. He walked into the bar and asked the bartender for a drink. The bartender looked at him and said, I do not serve string in here. The piece of string left dejected.

The next day the same piece of string on the same street with the same sort of hot sunny day was st...

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So there was an assassin who charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?" "Yep." "What if you miss?" He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss." "Okay! Well, I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel tog...

Dear redditors, I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."r&...

A naked man was walking down the street with a woman on his back

A bloke on the other side of the road asked, "Where are you going?"

The naked man replied, "To a fancy dress party."

"What as?" asked the bemused gentleman.

"A tortoise", said the naked man.

"Well, who is the woman on your back?" said the intrigued gentleman.

"Oh, ...

A blonde calls out to a man on the street: “Excuse me, what time is it now?”

“It is 4:35.”
“That is strange.”
“What is?”
“Every time I ask this question, different people give me different answers.”

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A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, “Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?”

“Are you nuts?!” – she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

“Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?” – he asks again.

“Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?” So the guy runs around the ...

Word on the Street is, Cookie Monster has COVID…

It's the Om nom nom nomicron variant.

Garbage can

An old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school.

He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.

Then a new school year began.

The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came dow...

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The street magician

A street magician pulls out a deck of cards and asks a bystander to pick a card and memorize it. The magician then draws a card facing away so he can't see it and has his participant memorize that too. He shuffles the deck, cuts it, and pulls the card on top and asks "Is this your card?" The amazed ...

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What do you call a street bum with no friends?

homie-less

My girlfriend asked me who my favorite vampire is.

I replied, "The one from Sesame Street."

She said, "He doesn't count."

"Oh I assure you, he does."

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night when behind him he hears: Bump! BUMP! BUMP! Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him!!

BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER! FASTER! BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket...

A man was idling in the street, bored, when he saw a man selling apples close by

He approached the man, and asked, "How much do these apples cost?". The vendor replied, "An apple costs $1 and an apple seed costs $2.". Confused, the man asked, "Why are you selling the seeds? and why are they so expensive?". The vendor said, "Apple seeds are actually known to make you so much time...

a hole in the street

There's a big hole in a street that caused so many accidents and a lot of deaths; the mayor held a meeting with the most intelligent people of the neighborhood to discuss solutions for this problem

the first suggests putting an ambulance next to the hole, so whenever an accident hap...

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted twenty dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.


"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.


"...

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A toothbrush salesman had a booth on a street corner.

One day he was approached by a man looking for a job. The salesman, skeptical of this random person’s sales ability, agreed that if the man could sell 100 toothbrushes in a day, that he could have the job.

At the end of the day the man approached him saying “I’ve sold all 100 toothbrush, can ...

Just met my friend on the street crying his eyes out so I asked him what was wrong

He said "Today is the 2nd of the 2nd 2022 and I just turned 22 so I went to the bookies and put €222 on the second horse in the second race of the day.. It was at 2.22!"

"That all sounds great" I said, "What went wrong"?

"He came second".

A vulture is picking at some roadkill on the street

A cop comes up to the vulture and shouts, "Hey! What are you doing?"

Startled, the vulture responds, "I'm just eating here."

"Oh," the cop says, "carrion"

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A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown.

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

...

A guy interviews a man on the street

“Low Gas Prices or Protect Trans-Rights?”

“Low Gas Prices”

“Why?”

“Because It’s better for the Trans-mission”

A San Francisco cop sees a well dressed man lying in the street by the curb...

... He asked the man "What happened to you?"

The man replied "My wife and I were walking down the street and found a parking space. She went to buy a car while I hold the space."

Another homeless man is on the street corner begging for money.

"Please Sir!" he addresses a well dressed man. "Do you have a buck for a pice of bread?"

"Well" answers the man, "it depends. I need to see the piece of bread first!"

Two kids on my street got arrested today.

One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.

Only one of them was charged; the other was let off.

A man we’ll call “Egon Tusk” had just become the CEO of a large tech company.

The departing CEO left him with three envelopes numbered 1, 2 and 3.

"Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," the departing CEO said.

Egon made a lot of changes, but six months later revenues had still not picked up and was in fact lower than when he...

The Best Son.

Three brothers are waiting for their mother at the airport. One says I'm the best son because I got her a new car! The second one says I'm the best son because I got her a new TV!. The third one says I'm the best son because she's lonely so I got her a parrot to talk to.

The mother gets off...

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A man says to his wife 'apparently the milkman has had sex with every woman but one on our street'

'I bet it's that stuck up cow at No.36' replies the wife

My neighbor. She’s single. She’s shapely & beautiful and she lives right across the street...

I watched her as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on my door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, ”I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have fun tonight...

The world leading expert on wasps is walking down the street when he passes a record store.

In the window he sees a record called "wasps of the world, and the sounds they make". Intrigued, he walks into the store.
He says to the shopkeeper "I'll have that wasp record in the window please. You know I'm the world leading expert in wasps, there are thousands of different species of wasp, ...

I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so…

I quickly followed her. As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus. So I ran after her shouting, "You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!"
She didn't hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too. As I walked to the back of the bus...

This guy is walking down the street with his best friend and sees a Golden Retriever licking its balls…

He says… “What I wouldn’t do to be able to do that!”

He friend said if I was you, I’d pet him first!

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A rich man and a poor man were waiting to cross the street.

It was Christmas time and the poor man asked the rich man what he got his wife for Christmas.

The rich man told him he got her a new car, a diamond necklace and trip to Fiji.

He then asks the poor man what he got his wife.

He said “I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo.”...

A little boy is born, and has only his head

He lives like this for years, until one Christmas, he finds a torso under the tree.

He says “Mom! Do you think next year Santa will bring me some arms?”

“He just might.” She replies.

The next year, sure enough, there’s a pair of arms under the tree.

Again the boy asks his...

A American, a French man, a Spaniard and a German are watching a street performance

They were in the back peeking through the crowd of people, The performer noticed them struggling to see and notices a wooden box nearby. Without stopping his performance he stands on the box and says, "Can u see me"
They reply
"Yes"
"Oui
"Sí"
"Ja".

My wife and I were walking in Rome. The was a lone old guy at the other side of the street. My wife said, “He looks like the Pope in civilian clothes. Go and ask!”

So I crossed the road and asked the old man if he was indeed the Pope.

He said, “F**k off.”

I went back to my wife who eagerly asked, “Well? Tell me, is he the Pope?”

I said, “He told me to f**k off.”

“Oh no,” said my wife, “Now we’ll never know.”

2 peanuts were walking down the street..

One was assaulted, the other got aroasted.

yesterday on the street I saw 2 guys vaccinating themselves

It must have been their second shot because they looked woozy pretty soon afterwards

A guy walks into a bar on Halloween

A guy dressed in regular street clothes walks into a bar on Halloween and orders a beer. "I'm here for the costume party," he tells the bartender. The bartender looks him up and down, taking in his ordinary clothing and no makeup or wig. "What are you supposed to be?" the bartender asks. "I'm a were...

I've just had a water fight with the kids in my street

I won! No one is a match for me and my kettle

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A mailman walking down the street saw Little Johnny playing in a pile of shit.

He had it between his fingers and smeared over his body.

The mailman asked him what he was doing and Johnny looked up and said "Making a mailman.”

This pissed the mailman off. He went up the street, saw a fireman, and told him what the boy was doing and what a smartass the kid was. T...

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A Gentleman Is Walking Down The Street With A Duck

On the way he runs into a friend of his. The friend inquires about why he's holding the duck. To which the man replies:

"I know I have to get rid of it, but I love this duck. I'd have to trade it to someone who wants it and I just can't see myself letting it go for nothing. This is absolutely...

A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her.

After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,
"Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"
"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks,
"Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."
"NO!...

What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street?

A large fortune

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John O’Reilly

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said,

'Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!'

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary,

'I won the prize for the Best toast of the nig...

A good lawyer, the Tooth-fairy, Santa Claus, and a homeless man are walking down the street,

They see a 100$ bill, who gets it?

The homeless man obviously, the rest are mythical creatures

A man and a dog walk into a bar

Both get up on stools and the bartender says "sorry no dogs"

"But my dog can talk"

Bartender: "Prove it"

"Fido, what is the top part of a house called"

Dog: "Roof, roof"

Bartender (annoyed): "You're going to have to do better than that"

"Fido, what is the hi...

A drunk German was arrested in the middle of the street in Las Vegas

He complained to the judge that the police officer arrested him because he was "European".

The judge replied, "Sir, he said 'You were peeing!'"

Why is the count from Sesame Street still single?

Because he doesn't ever wanna Miss Count.

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A nun is walking down the street at night ...

And sees a drunk man staggering her way. She silently asks "please God, protect this poor soul". The drunk staggers closer, then out of nowhere punches the nun square in the nose! She drops, then slowly gets up and says "please God, forgive this man, it's the alcohol demon over him". She gets to he...

A kid sees a homeless guy begging on the street,

And gets to chatting with him. The guy is nice enough but obtains from the conversation that the lad is off to put some money in the bank, and asks as the kids gets up to go.

"So, can you spare a few of those dollars, kid?"

"Are you going to use it on drugs?"

"No sir, food a...

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Joe suffers from chronic headaches for a long time.

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove t...

Supermarket franchise moves into small town

A big, nationwide operating grocery franchise opened a store in a small, rural town in the midwest. Since there was only a local farmers store across the street, the manager decided to bankrupt the local store and monopolize on the town. So he approached potential customers at the door of the local...

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Four prisoners are killed in a prison bus accident

A drug dealer, a car thief, a bank robber and a rapist all die and are sent immediately to hell. Once there Satan begins checking his documents and says he isn’t ready for them. He says “you died a little too soon. So we don’t have anywhere to put you. I will be clearing out a few places for you but...

A man is walking by a brothel..

One day a man is walking by a brothel, never having been inside, and decides to hey, why the hell not

as he enters he is met with two doors, one has a plaque that says "first time" and the other "regular"

being honest he walks through the "first time" door

there he is presented ...

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Two sex workers were on a street corner.

They started discussing business and one of the sex workers said, “Yep, it’s gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air.” The other sex worker looked at her and said, “No, no. I just burped.”

While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.


"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let ...

There is a street corner where hookers wait around to be picked up

On a light post nearby a parrot is hanging around. As he watches he says, “Same old hookers, same old clients”

This is bad for business so one of the hookers get mad at the parrot and throws a rock at him. He falls down onto the ground. The next morning a nun is walking and sees the parrot. ...

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A man on the street said I look like I have a penis in my mouth when I vape

So I took my Personal Electronic Nicotine Inhalation System and left.

Pearly Gates Pontiff

The Pope died and went to heaven, where he was greeted by St. Peter. “Welcome,” St. Peter said, “let me show you around.”

St. Peter showed the Pope the streets of gold, choirs of angels, and so many wonderful things. At last, they came to a verdant meadow with a quaint cottage overlooking a l...

Some Russian anti-war jokes

1. "Partial mobilization" is when you are drafted in whole, and returned back in parts.

2. "Dad, why are we hauled off to the trenches?" "I don't know, son, I'm not into politics."

3. For a long time, the government told us, "if you don't like Russia, go to another country." Now they t...

A Joke from the Late Great Townes Van Zandt

A drunk is walking down the street and bumps into a cop.

The drunk says, “Man, they stole my car.”

The cop says, “Well where was it?”

The drunk says, “Right on the end of this key.”

The cop says, “You better to go down to the precinct and they’ll fill out all the proper ...

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I tried to share a bag of chips with a homeless person on the street.

He told me to fuck off and buy my own.

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This guy goes to Vegas

The first night he meets this gorgeous hooker
And asks “how much for a handjob?”

$250 - wow that’s too much … The hooker says see that small shopping mall across the street ? I own it…
The guy was impressed and agreed and she gives him the best handjob he’s ever had…

The next nig...

A blonde and a brunette were walking down the street

The brunette looked in the window of a flower shop and said
"Oh no, it's my boyfriend and he's buying me flowers again for no reason."

The blonde said "Don't you like to get flowers?"

The brunette said "It's not that. It's just that every time he gives them to me he expects somethi...

A young baker buys a shop

He is very excited as this is his first venture since qualifying. He sells ok on everyday items like bread, but runs into trouble with his 'special items'. One day he makes beautiful cakes, however his customers only want pastries that day. So the next day he makes pastries, but now they want muffin...

Finally a smart blonde joke

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and Needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz...

What streets are most Jenny Craig's on?

Broad Weigh

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My son went over to check out a construction project at our neighbor's and it reminded me of this classic...

Little Johnny is bored and asks his dad for something to do.

"Go across the street to that construction site and talk to the workers. Maybe you'll learn something," his dad said.

Johnny was gone all day and finally comes home for dinner. During the meal, Johnny's dad asked, "you were a...

I exercise running up the street knocking on all the doors.

Jehovah's Fitness.

A old man passes away peacefully in his sleep after a long illness

His wife calls the county to come pick up his body.

The county operator answers "Yes, ma'am, I'm very sorry for your loss. Can you tell me your address?"

"Yes, we live at 148 Eucalyptus Street."

"Can you spell that for me?"

"Y-U...no, wait, that's not right...E-Y-C...no,...

Why was Freddy Krueger late for work?

Cause traffic is a nightmare on Elm Street.

Two nuns are walking down the street when they notice that a man is following them.

Sister Michael, the older and wiser nun, says to the young and naïve Sister Patrick, "See that crossroad ahead? You go left and I'll go right: he can't follow us both. We'll meet back at the Abbey."

So the sisters part and the man follows Sister Michael.

Some time later, Sister Patrick...

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Two young Mormon missionaries are spreading the good word around South-East Asia when they accidentally walk in to a brothel

This becomes increasingly clearer to the two young men as the attractive, scantily clad women begin to make poorly veiled sexual entreaties in broken English. The two have practically no knowledge of, or experience with, women, and begin sweating profusely when the truth dawns. The first missionary ...

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Clones are people too...

A research scientist at a large corporate laboratory developed a method to clones humans. Unfortunately, the ethics review board would not allow him to experiment on humans. So he decided to clone himself in secret. He was also able to accelerate the aging process so within a short time, the clone w...

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George raises his beer mug in the air and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life having sex with my wife!" The bar is filled with whistles and claps, and the bartender even gives him a ribbon that says, "Best Toast of the Month".

When George gets home, he shows his wife, Linda, the ribbon. "And what exactly was your award-winning toast?" she asks.

George thinks for a while and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life going to church with my wife."

The next day when George is at work, Linda is walking down ...

A man walks into the dentists office and tells the receptionist, "I feel like a moth"

She tells him "You probably want the psychologist down the street"
The man says "I know"
The receptionist asks "What did you come in for then?"
The man says "Well the light was on, why wouldn't I?"

A rookie cop is at an intersection.

While he’s at the red light, he sees a street sign that reads: “WATCH FOR PEDESTRIANS”

A few seconds later he notices a lady walking across the street along the zebra crossing. He honks his horn to stop her, rolls down his window and asks: “Ma’am, are you a pedestrian?”

The woman, conf...

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At 581 words this long one has the advantage of making you laugh many times even before the punchline.

An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of London. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window: 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'. "Fucking get in there you cunt!" he says to himself and goes to the bar.

<...

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An old man sees little Johnny walking down the street

And old man sees little Johnny walking down the street. Under his arm he's got a bundle of chicken wire

Old man "hey Johnny, where you going with that chicken wire?"

Johnny "to catch some chickens o' course!"

Old man "not really how that works, but okay! Good luck young whippe...

A man witnesses an accident and calls 911.

Operator: 911, what's your
emergency?

Man: A guy just got hit by a car, I
need an ambulance.

Operator: What's your location?
Man: I'm on Eucalyptus street.

Operator: Can you spell that for
me?

Man: (long awkward pause)
Operator: Sir? Are you there?

M...

Happy Halloween

Bob thought his new neighbor across the street was strange from the moment he first moved in.  The new neighbor, Jack, was a dorky middle-aged white man, who laughed at his own jokes, which he told repeatedly, and only talked about the stupidest stuff, which he always claimed was super popular on Re...

A Submarine Captain is walking down the street...

... when he sees a Buddhist monk fixing a fence.


"Hey mister, I'm having some trouble running my submarine. None of my crew like me. You're a wise man, what would you suggest?" asked the Captain.


"Make sure to switch everybody's positions very often" said the monk.
...

Two men are walking down the street.

They come across a dog licking its nuts.

One man turns to the other and says, “I wish I could do that.”

The other man replies, “I wouldn’t try it. He’d probably bite you.”

so today i changed a lightbulb, crossed the street and walked into a bar.

thats when i relized my lifes a joke.

Two blondes walk beside each other down the street.

One of them sees a broken piece of mirror on the ground, grabs it, looks at it and says, "This girl looks so familiar, but I can't remember where I know her from." The other girl grabs it from her hand, takes a look at it, and says, "It's me you idiot!"

Wall Street execs to redditors:

"This isn't a game. Stop!"

A Kirby guy on a hot day…

A door to door salesman was walking down a street in a very hot day, when he came across a pair of little girls selling lemonade.

Taking a break, he buys a big glass and goes to sit under a large elm tree.

Suddenly, he hears a guy yell “Nice suit buddy, did you buy it at the goodwill s...

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A man goes into the streets of Moscow and yells: “I am tired of this guy with a silly mustache and stupid rules being a leader!”

A soldier heard him, so he goes and catches him, later he brings the man to Stalin. Soldier says to Stalin what happened and Stalin asks the man:

“Who were you thinking about when you yelled in the streets?”

The man responds:

“Of course i was thinking about Hitler!”;

S...

A fool is walking down the street, dragging a brick on a leash behind him.

A cop sees him and says to himself: "I'll make fun of him."

He walks up to him and says: "Gee, you've got a nice dog!"

The fool replies, "Are you crazy? That's a brick!"

The angry cop walks away.

The fool turns to the brick and says, "We got him, didn't we, Rex?"

Questionable Morals

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic
garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every once in
awhile, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a Policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20
bills falling Out of ...

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An old lady was walking down the street

She was carrying two large bin bags. A police officer stopped her and told her she had money falling out of one of the bags. He asks if she robbed a bank and she replied "no, You see I live next to the football stadium, and every Saturday in the half time, the men come outside my house and piss in t...

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Two nuns are driving down the street

When they get cut off by someone in traffic. The first none says "maybe he doesn't know we're nuns...sister show him your cross"

So the second nun opens the window and shouts "Oi you fucking dickhead!"

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An old man named Steve is walking down the street and sees a clown walking towards him.

"Hey look, a clown!" Steve says. "Do you think you could make me laugh?"

The clown says, "Not now, I'm tired. I want to go home."

"Oh come on!" says Steve. "Show me a magic trick you sissy! Make me feel young again!"

Steve won't quit harassing him, so the clown reluctantly agre...

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There is a road nearby called Berlin Street.

True story, and not quite a joke, but this just happened. All I can say is our daughter pays a lot of attention to things. Anyway, I needed to drop off a letter, and asked my wife, "Isn't the post office on Berlin Street?"

"Yes, but I think I heard it's actually pronounced BERL-in, not ber-LI...

Survey

(Advance warning - Lame joke ahead)

A woman approaches a man on the street and says, "Excuse me Sir, I’m doing a little survey, can I ask you some questions?"

The man says. "Yes of course."

Woman: "Assume that you’re traveling in a bus and a lady gets on the bus and she’s got ...

Sherlock Holmes enters Baker Street...

...with a basket of lemons.

Watson asks, "where did you get so many lemons from, Holmes "?

To which Holmes replies, "A lemon tree, Watson."

A boy selling newspapers on the street

Keeps walking around the streets with newspapers while waving one around and shouting: Mass fraud! Mass fraud! One hundred people have been fooled! Mass fraud! One hundred people have been fooled!

One guy quickly runs to the boy and buys a newspaper. as soon as he has it in his hand he starts...

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A very ugly, too ugly actually, ass-faced man, was walking down the street one evening.

Suddenly he hears "Help! Help!!!".



He searches around and realizes that the noise was coming from an uncovered manhole where an unfortunate citizen had fallen.

Our guy sticks his head into the manhole to see who fell in, and he hears from below:

\- Yo, what are you doing...

Did you hear about the coniferous Ent who carried the entire E Street Band to a 13 year old Make A Wish kid?

It's all over the newspapers – "SPRUCE BRINGS TEEN CONCERT"

A doctor approaches a woman on the street.

He says "I do plastic surgery, would you like a coupon for a nose job?"
She slaps him in the face and says "No, you pervert! And what the hell is plastic surgery??"

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the
time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like
that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not ...

Vladimir Putin suffers a heart attack amidst the Ukraine crisis, and falls into a coma...

... A few years later, he wakes up, gets back on his feet and walks out of his room, right past the sleeping guard.

He walks out of the hospital onto the streets of Moscow, and finds that most people don't recognize him. Several years of vegetative coma seem to have taken its toll on his appe...

Smokey the Bear was relaxing in his new house.

He'd just moved to the neighborhood, and was enjoying retirement after years of working for the U.S. Forest Service. He was sitting in his favorite easy chair, reading a particularly engaging book, when the doorbell rang.

Smokey sighed, set the book face down (his sister was always so mad at ...

I’m a real dog person

I like to wear a collar and sh** on the street.

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A man came up to a beautiful woman walking on the street and offered her a proposition.

"I would pay $100 to bite your beautiful breasts"

"Ew, what kind of a woman do you think I am?! I won't let you see them, let alone bit them!"

"Ok, make it $500"

"No! Get away from me!"

"How about $1000?"

"I said, no!"

"$10,000, cash."

"Okay, fine!"...

Three tomatoes are walking down the street

a poppa tomato, a momma tomato, and a little baby tomato. Baby tomato starts lagging behind. Poppa tomato gets angry, goes over to the baby tomato, and squishes him... and says, "catch up".

Guinness

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back. The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer...

Big Bird walks into a bar

Big Bird walks into a gritty bar off Sesame Street and sits all alone and orders a beer. "Sometimes I just feel left out by all my peers. You know, all alone," he complains to the bartender. "I guess I just feel ostrich sized."

number 5

I was walking down the street a few days ago I happened upon my good friend Tim. I waved him over and told him I had the craziest dream the other night.



Tim listened as I told him that the dream consisted of just one thing. A huge, bright, number -5-. It was made of gold and shined li...

In the early 1400's, a little town in France was down on its luck...

Unemployment was high, and everyone who needed money pretty much lived their lives in front of the job board in the middle of the town.

Well, one fine morning, the city priest walked to the center of town and posted a page that read, 'Help Wanted: Bell Ringer.' The groans that pervaded the cr...

The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower and their descendants included senators and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren.
They hired a fine author.
Only one problem arose, how to handle great-uncle George, the criminal, who was executed in the electric chair.
The author said he could handle the story tactfully.
The book...

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I saw a man urinating in the street from my bedroom window.

"Impressive," I told him. "Now get the fuck out my house."

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A man is walking in the street and sees a women with the most beautiful breasts he’s ever seen.

He walks up to her and asks: “If I give you 10’000$, will you let me bite your boob?”
The woman, quite shocked, obviously says no.
The man then asks if he can bite her breast for 100’000$. The woman still says no. The man asks for 1’000’000$, 10’000’000$ and 100’000’000$ but the woman still re...

A man was walking on the street with a lion.

A cop saw him and said - Hey! You can't walk that lion here. Take him to the zoo. The man complies and goes away.
The next day, the cop sees the same man walking the lion again on the street.
Hey! I thought I told you to take that lion to the zoo.
The man replied - I did, and today I am ...

Dracula was casually walking down the street for a late night stroll. All of a sudden, a mozzarella stick flies through the air and hits him on the side of the head. He looks around slightly perplexed, but doesn't think too much of it.

A few meters further on and a chicken wing smacks him in the nuts. As he doubles over in pain, out of nowhere, he is drenched in hot nacho cheese.

He looks to the sky with a raised fist and shouts, "Curse you Buffet the Vampire Slayer!".

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Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.” Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, “Aye...

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Scottish blood

An Arab Sheik was admitted to the hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need arose. As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be found locally, the call went out around the world.

...

Finding 5 dollars on the street makes your whole week.

But earning 5 dollars on the street makes your hole weak.

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