A young boy comes running down the street looking for a cop. He finds one and then begs "Please, officer, come back to the bar with me, my father's in a fight." Well, they get back to the bar and there's three guys fighting like you wouldn't believe.

After a while the cop turns to the kid and says "Okay, which one's your father."

The kid looks up at the cop and says, "I don't know, officer, that's what they're fighting about."

My neighbor. She’s single. She’s shapely & beautiful and she lives right across the street.

I watched her as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on my door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, ”I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have fun tonight. Are...

Was walking down the street yesterday, seen an ad in the shop window. "T.V FOR SALE, €1, VOLUME STUCK ON FULL"

I said, can't turn that down.

The ice cream truck is going down the street

And a lady runs after it but it doesn't see her and keeps going. She keeps following until the driver sees her in his mirror. He stops and shes out of breath

Truck driver: “hey, sorry about that, I didn't see you, what can I get you? “

Out of breath she says “I just wanted to tell you...

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One day a police man was walking down a street when he saw an old woman with two big bags. One bag was broken and $20 bills were falling out of it.

So, the police man stops the old lady and asked her “ hey, How did you get so much money, you didn’t rob a bank did you?” The old lady stopped replied “ No dear, I live next to a Golf course and I was sick of golfers peeing through my fence, so whenever I see a golfer stick his dirty bits through m...

A man was walking home down a dark street at night. As he was walking, he heard this thumping....

He stopped and looked, and there was nothing there. It seemed to have stopped. He continued on. Then he heard more thumping, and he knew he wasn't crazy. He turned, and what he saw horrified him. A coffin was thumping after him! He ran. The coffin on his tail. He ran to his house. He closed and lock...

What do you call a person who has outstanding street smarts?

A roads scholar

Two priests are walking down the street when a man approaches them, "I'm Jesus Christ," says the man

Priest one: "I don't believe you're our Lord and Savior"

The man turns to the second priest and tells him, "I'm Jesus Christ."

Priest two: "I agree with him, you're not Jesus."

Man: "Well if you walk a couple blocks with me, I can prove that I am Jesus Christ."

The agree ...

One night I was walking home through a dark street

I saw a girl in front of me. She looked around and moved faster. I also moved faster. She ran and I ran. She screamed and I yelled. I din't even understand why we fled, but it was really scary.

Two guys walking down the street see a dog licking his balls.

Guy 1 says, "Boy I wish I could do that."
Guy 2 says, "Don't you think you should pet him first?"

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This guy walking on the street ran into this pretty woman and said. "I bet I can drop $500 on the ground and have sex with you before you can pick it up".

The woman calls her friend to tell her about it. The friend says "set him up when he drops the money just pick it up and run". So the woman tells the guy, "The bet is on". A few minutes go by and the girls friend calls her back to find out how did it go. The woman says, "The asshole didn't tell me h...

My neighbor was walking across the street while carrying the game Scrabble then suddenly dropped it, leaving the game board and pieces on the ground.

I said: “Hey Jeff! What’s the word on the street?”

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Me: I’m scared of the Backstreet Boys

Therapist: tell me why


Me: *screams*

Today I crossed a street, changed a light bulb, and walked into a bar.

My life is a joke.

A Soviet couple were walking down the street when they saw a dark cloud

The husband said “I think it’s going to rain”

The wife said “I think it’s going snow”

The husband asked a communist officer on the street “Officer Rudolf, will it rain or snow?”

The officer said “it will definitely rain”

When the husband told the wife, she asked “but how ...

Quasimodo was running down the street chased by a group of kids.

He said, "For the last time, I haven't got your football."

Yeterday I found 20$ on the street on my way home. As a good cristian I thought “What would Jesus do”…

… so I turned it into wine.

Two nuns are bicycling down a street and one nun says, "I've never come this way before."

Other nun says, "Meh, me neither. Must be the cobblestones."

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White people don't shoot each other in the streets like black people do.

We do it in schools because we have class.

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I just found a dead body in the street

So I took it home and put it on the cat's pillow


See how she fucking likes it !

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Our street is full of cat shit.

Litter alley.

Why do grizzlies make the best street fighters?

Because they fight with their bear hands.

One time some guy on the street tried to sell me a magical pillow case.

Turns out it was just a sham.

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Three nuns are walking down the street

The first nun says, " I found a stack of porn in Father McClellan's room yesterday."
The second nun asked, "what did you do with it?"
The first nun replied, " I threw it away."
The second nun says, "that's nothing, I found a box of condoms in his room."
The first nun asked, "what did you...

One way streets are really poorly designed.

I mean yes they have clearly marked "one way" signs but every sign I've ever seen has been backwards and no one seems to read it anyway I always have oncoming traffic.

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Old man is sitting on his porch when he sees little johnny walking down the street with a wagon full of tape...

Old man is sitting on his porch when he sees little johnny walking down the street with a wagon full of tape. He thinks and then screams out, "HEY KID!!! WHERE ARE YOU GOING WITH THAT DUCT TAPE?!!!".

Johnny responds back, "I'm going to go catch some ducks"

The man, puzzled says, "You c...

A man is walking down the street when he hears a commotion behind a tall fence.

As he gets closer he hears that it’s a large group of people all shouting in unison, “12! 12! 12! 12!”
The man, getting very curious, spots a small hole in the fence and decides to take a peek to see what’s going on.
Right as he puts his face up to the fence someone jabs their finger out the ...

A blonde is walking down the street...

As she passes a field, she notices another blonde in a kayak furiously beating the grass. She stops and watches, realizing whats happening and becomes irritated. Across the distance, she shouts, "Hey! What are you doing dummy! Youre giving us a bad name! If I could swim, I'd come over there and kick...

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A lawyer was walking down the street...

When he spotted a woman with spectacular breasts. He immediately offered her $100 if she would let him bite them.
“No way!” She exclaimed
“What about for $1000?” He persisted
“No certainly not what kind of woman do you think I am?”
“You wouldn’t even do it for $10,000,” he asked.
The...

I saw a guy walking down the street carrying a long stick.....

I said "are you a pole vaulter?" He said "no, I'm German... but how did you know my name?"

A girl named Sophie was walking down the street when she noticed a snail.

She stopped to look at the snail, but the snail started to speak. She was frightened at first but after a little conversation she calmed down. She started to like the snail and asked if he wanted to go back to her house. There they really started to connect. After a few hours, the snail asked her to...

A blonde stood on the streets of new york city with a surf board...

She just wanted to catch the highest of the heat waves!

Two guys are walking down a street and see an old man in front of them.

He walks in such a weird manner that is almost similar to a duck. Somehow this walk bothers the two guys. "I wonder why he's walking that way. What could be the reason for that?" one guy asks the other. The Other guy replies "Maybe he got into an accident recently and might have broken his hip or so...

Me and my gf walking down the street

Gf: My lips are dry.

Me: Does it hurt to walk?

Gf: what?

Me:what?

Two pretzels were walking down the street

And one was a salted.

A Wall Street accountant asked me if she is too fat for her suit.

I told her she’s too big to fail.

I start my new job as a street cleaner today.

There's no training, you just pick it up as you go along.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer.

He is doing some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "**Can you all see me now?**"

"Yes."

"Oui."

"Si."

"Ja."

I saw a man pulling a chain down the street the other day

I asked him : "Why are you pullin' that chain down the street?"

He looked at me with a confused look and said: "You ever tried pushin' one?"

3 tomatoes are walking down the street

Papa tomato, Mama tomato and Baby tomato. As the three of them walk, Papa tomato notices that Baby tomato can't keep up with the pace of his parents. So he turns around, walks over to him and says, "Ketchup."


From pulp fiction. Literally just saw the part in which this joke being told and...

A magician stops a woman on a street....

“Pick a card, any card” he says. She grabs one at random.
“Now, look away and memorize that card. Don’t show me.”
She turns away, memorizes it, and turns back to see that the man was gone.
She lived her life as any other. She got a job, fell in love, got married, and got pregnant with her f...

Two atoms are walking down the street

One says “Hey, I’ve just lost an electron!” “Are you sure?” “Yeah, I’m positive!”

Van Gogh is walking down the street.

A homeless man walks up to him and says,” Do you have a euro to spare ? Please I could really use it.”Van Gogh looks through his pocket and says,” I got one right ‘ere.”

A guy sees a lonely penguin wandering in the streets downtown

He takes him immediately to the nearest police station to ask for advice.

"Officer, I found this penguin, what should I do?"

Officer is concerned and says:

"What is he doing there?? Take him to the Zoo immediately!"

Man says ok and leaves the police station.

A coup...

There was this drunk walking down the street, and he walks up to this cop and says “Man, somebody stole my car”....

....and the cop looks at him and says “Well, where was it?” and the drunk holds up his car keys says “It was right at the end of this key”.

The cop says “I don’t know man, but why don’t you go down to the precinct and report it down there, they’ll fill out all the proper forms and help you ou...

Today a large truck full of hair restoring tonic, overturned and flooded the street.

Police are combing the area.

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A scientist with a cage is running down a street when he bumped into someone. The cage fell and several Labrador puppies fell out.

He yells at the guy, "Watch out, those are my fucking Lab results!"

Two drill bits meet on the street

- how is going? you look a little dull
- yeah I'm going trough a lot of stuff

Two elderly women are walking down the street smoking cigarettes and it begins to rain

One of the elderly ladies puts her cigarette out and the other woman goes into her purse and pulls out a condom and a pair of scissors. She unwraps the condom and cuts it in half with the scissors. She takes the closed end of it, places it over her cigarette to stay dry and continues smoking.
...

I bumped into my school crush in the middle of the street.

She said, "Wow. I haven't seen you for like fourteen years!"


Probably wasn't the right time to say: "Well, I've seen you."

A man was walking down the street

When he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted

ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had t...

A woman was sobbing on the side of the street because she had accidentally locked her keys in her car,

a passing soldier saw this and assured her that he can help.

She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens....... "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," replies the s...

I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'

I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming...

A woman with a clipboard stopped me in the street today and asked if I could spare 2 minutes to help build a school in Africa.

I said sure, but I don’t think we’ll get much done

A guy on the street asked me how I keep my hair looking so slick..

I guess he was gel-less.

A man is walking down the street and realizes that a penguin is following him.

A man is walking down the street and realizes that a penguin is following him. He turns right, turns left, crosses a street but the penguin is still following him. Annoyed, he returns home thinking about a way to get rid of the penguin, who probably escaped from the zoo. As he is walking, he sees hi...

So I was walking on the streets the other day...

So I was walking on the streets the other day, and I saw this poor guy getting beaten up by 3 other guys. I decided to jump in and help.

He didn't stand a chance against the 4 of us.

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A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street...

...and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks, 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?’

The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff..."

...

I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so I quickly followed her.

As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus.


So I ran after her shouting, "You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!"


She didn't hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too.


As I walked to the back o...

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A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked if I fancied taking part in a marathon.

I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties.


I thought, fuck me, I might win this

I saw a lady on the street the other day wearing nothing but whipped cream.

She was Chantilly Clad.

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You see three tampons walking down the street, which one says hi first?

None, they’re all stuck up cunts.

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Two potatoes are standing on the street. How do you know which one is a prostitute?

one of them has a sticker that says idaho

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A little boy is crying on the streets.

A cop comes up to him asks him what's happened.



Cop: Why are you crying, kiddo?

Boy: I can't find my mother.

Cop: Don't worry; we'll find her. What's she like?

Boy: Mostly cocks & bingo.

I got arrested for playing chess in the street

I said: “it’s because I’m black isn’t it?”

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Gordon Ramsay was waking down the street...

When he saw the cutest dog in his life. He bent down and yelled, it’s fucking r/Aww

A couple was walking down their street in Christmas Eve, enjoying the lights, when suddenly...

...they feel a little precipitation. The man says, "I think it's raining, we should go back home."

The woman says, "No, I think it's snowing."

The couple argues about this for a few minutes. The woman looks around and sees a communist officer wandering around that street. "Let's ask th...

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Taking a neighborhood walk one day, a man comes across another man in the middle of the street jumping up and down on a manhole cover

...and with each jump he calls out "21! 21! 21!" Repeatedly. Finally, after growing annoyed watching, the man on the sidewalk offers, "It's 22, you know. The next number...?" Manhole guy "21! 21! Yeah, I know. 21! 21!"

Sidewalk guy watches a little longer. "Why are you even doing that...?" Ma...

A priest is walking down the street one day

when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, w...

Why did the Alabama native NOT cross the street?

Why cross the street when you can cross the hall?

Two old couples are walking down the street. Two women are walking in front of the two men

One of the men says to the other, "What did you do last night?"

The second man says, "Oh, I went to this restaurant. It was amazing. The food was fantastic, and the prices were great.
Absolutely super."

The first one says, "Wow, sounds great. What was the name of the restaurant?...

A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street.

First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate.".
The Biologist: "They have reproduced".
The Mathematician: "If now exactly one person enters the house then it will...

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Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street.

Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the b...

Guy in street handing out fake moustaches

Me:How many am i allowed?

Guy:Just one.

Me:We'll see

Today i saw a strip club across the road from a minigolf place.

I'm liberal but that's too much for me. What if your trying to have a nice afternoon with your family and kids and you look across the street and have to see a bunch of losers playing minigolf.

A professor was one day walking along a very narrow street when he came face to face with a rival.

The street was too narrow for two to pass. The rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said haughtily, "I never make way for fools!"

Smiling, the professor stepped aside and said,

"I always do."

I was walking down the street when I passed a Comcast technician near his van and he asked me what time it was

I said “it’s between 8am and 1pm”

A man walks down the streets of New York dragging a dead horse.

A passer by sees the scene and intrigued goes and asks "What are you doing dragging a dead horse in the middle of the city streets?"

Man says "Help me cross it the street and I'll tell you."

Passer by helps him out "Now will you tell me?"

Man says "Help me get it up to the 5th f...

Thought I saw the first ever super hero today, he was running down our street wearing a cape.

Turns out he hadn't paid for his haircut.

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear.

I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

A long time ago a man was walking around the streets of Vienna...

...when he spied an old friend of his. "Boris!" he yells. "I haven't seen you in ages! How have you been?"

"Well," Boris replied, "I am the piccolo player for an International Orchestra."

"Spectacular!" the man replied.

"It is not what you might think, my friend. We play for ...

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A guy is walking down the street...(long)

So a guy is walking down the street and he sees a fricking pirate. This guys the real deal. He has a hook for a hand, a wooden leg, and even has a patch over his eye.

So the guy asks him “hey pirate, what happened to your leg?”

The pirate replies: Yar, a shark bit off me leg in the o...

A guy is standing on the corner of the street smoking one cigarette after another.

A lady walking by notices him and says, "Hey, don't you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn't you see the giant warning on the box?!"


"That's OK," says the guy, puffing casually, "I'm a computer programmer."


"So? What's that got to do with anything?"

...

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A young hooker is working her first night on the streets...

She gets in her first car and drives off. An hour later, the car pulls up again and drops her off. The other girls on the corner ask her how her first trick went.

"Wow! He was a super hot marine, in town on leave for a couple weeks. Such an amazing body. He asked what my prices were. I told h...

A man is walking down the street

A man is walking down the street clapping. A little girl stops him and asks: ,

,,Excuse me mister, why are you clapping?"

,,To scare the crocodiles away." says the man.

,,But there are no crocodiles here."

,,Well duh, because I'm clapping."

While walking down the street a politician was tragically hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven", says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem. Just let me in," says ...

A bass player is playing Jazz in the street for fun when suddenly one of his strings breaks.

The Bassist is a little saddened by this, since he can't really play Jazz with only 3 strings. He contemplates whether he should go buy a replacement string, but after some time he decides it could wait and starts playing Rock instead.

He plays Rock for another hour when suddenly another stri...

I saw a magic dog out in the streets...

When I asked him his breed he told me that he was a labracadabrador.

This morning a man in the street offered me a sofa and two armchairs.

I said, “My mother told me I’m not allowed to take suites from strangers”.

A man is walking down the street with his friend

A man is walking down the street with his friend when he hears a noise from behind him. He turns around to see a crazed man quickly approaching him. At first they thought he was going to mug them but they soon saw he was holding a giant silver key in his hand. When the man catches up he looks at the...

A drunk was walking down the street one night, when he goes up to a cop and says, “Officer, my car was stolen!”

The Cop asks “Ok, where did you last see you car?”

So the drunk says, “Right here at the end of this key”

The cop doesn’t want to deal with it so he says, “Ok sir, go down to the station and fill out the paperwork. But before you go, you should probably zip up your fly”

The drun...

A policeman sees a beat-up man lying on the street

He asks: ,,Were you assaulted?"

,,Yeah, I was."

,,Can you tell me what the assailant looked like?"

,,Yes, I told him that right before he punched me."

I was riding my red car down the street when I heard a loud bang...

When I got out my rim was cracked and my car was painted yellow. Damn city is riddled with plotholes

A man was walking down the street

when he passed by a tall wooden fence and heard a strange chanting on the other side.

"Ten! Ten! Ten! Ten!" was the chant from what sounded like a group of people.

Curious, he searched for a peep hole. When he found one, he peered through to see what was on the other side.

Sudd...

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A guy was walking down the street when he sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey, miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?"

"Are you nuts?" she replies and walks away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again. "Listen, sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?"

So the guy runs around the next block and faces ...

Two cannibals were walling down the street.

They were going to meet with all the other cannibals in their village, but as they're walking together, one turns to the other and says: "I don't feel so good."

The other one goes: "What's wrong?"

The first one whimpers: "My tummy, it hurts."

The second one says: "It must have ...

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A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds.

As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder.

He reached a cloud, upon which was sitting a rather plump and very ugly woman.

"Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.

No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly...

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I was walking down main street and there was a homeless man with a signt hat said “1 dollar for dirty joke.”

Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.

Homeless man: “Alright sir whats your name?

Me: “Username-valid ”

Homeless man: “So username-valid, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have”

Me: “two?”

Homeless man: ...

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[NSFW] [Long] A man is sitting on his front porch when he notices two guys walking down the street holding duct tape.

He calls out to the men, "Hey what are you doing with that duct tape?" They respond, "Catching ducks." The old man rolls his eyes thinking there is no way they will catch anything. Later that afternoon the two men come by again with a couple of ducks.

The next day the old man sees the two guy...

A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street together...

...when they spot a 10-year old boy. The priest says to the rabbi, "Hey, let's screw him!" The rabbi replies, "Outta what?"

Some street joke from IRAN

Somewhere in Iran a Mullah is walking the street and suddenly falls into a hole.

Some people walking around rush to the top of the hole to help him :

\- Give us your hand !

The Mullah stand still in the bottom of the hole while the people keep shouting to him.

After a fe...

I saw the most disgusting thing today: a strip club across the street from a playground.

Just trying to enjoy the day with my family while losers are swinging on monkey bars 50 feet away.

An old lady sells cabbages on the streets for 2 dollars each.

Every day a man comes to her, gives her 2 dollars, but doesn't take a cabbage. This continues for months. One day that man handed 2 dollars to the woman, but she refused. A man asked:

- So, you must be wondering why am I giving you 2 dollars each day, but don't take any of the cabbages?
...

A guy on the street stopped me to give me a flier on anger management.

I lost it.

It was night in a solemn street and a drunk was looking inside an open manhole yelling 25, 25, 25, 25.

A man hears the commotion and goes toward the drunk. He also looks inside the manhole to see what's going on. The drunk kicks him inside...

26, 26, 26, 26

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Told my wife that there's a rumour going around that the mailman has slept with all the women in our street except one....

She replied, " Oh I bet it's that stuck up bitch from number 22 ".

A Man Driving Down The Street Sees a Penguin

Apologies in advanced for spelling and grammar as I’m on my phone.

A man is driving down the street and sees a penguin on the side of the road. Curious he decides to pull over and pick it up. About that time a local police officer sees the two of them and decides to pull behind him as he’s l...

Me and a couple of friends once played 'Message in a bottle' on the street on self made instruments and old metal bins for drums.

But then The Police came.

I was in Australia last month and saw a guy on the street playing Dancing Queen on a Didgeridoo...

It was very ABBA-riginal!

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I wrote a book, and the first sentence reads, “There I sat in Central Park, staring at the base of the Empire State Building across the street.”

The title of the book is “I’ve Never Been to New York But I Love Hearing New Yorkers Get Mad At This Shit”

I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus. I thought to myself, “Wow! That could have been me!”

Then I remembered I can’t drive a bus.

Our teacher asked us what we did on our good deeds day. I said I took an old lady across the street.

"That was not very hard," he said.

"Yes it was," I replied, "she wanted to stay on her side."

A joke was crossing the street crying...

When asked why crying it said everyone keeps laughing at me..

A russian man is walking down the street

A russian man is walking down the street. He sees his friend Vladislav walking on the other side of the street. Waving his hand he shouts:
What is love!

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Two old jewish men are walking down the street

When one turns to the other and says:
"Moishe, what would you do if you had two houses?" Moishe replies "Izic, you are my best friend, I would give you one of my houses". Several yards later, Izic once again turns to Moishe and asks "Moishe, what would you do if you had two cars?" Moishe once aga...

A woman was walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.

A cop was approaching from about a block away, thinking to himself, "Boy, my eyes must be going. It looks like that woman is hanging out of her blouse."

But, as he got closer, it became apparent that she really was hanging out her blouse.

When the officer got face to face with the woma...

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