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A man came up to a beautiful woman walking on the street and offered her a proposition.

"I would pay $100 to bite your beautiful breasts"

"Ew, what kind of a woman do you think I am?! I won't let you see them, let alone bit them!"

"Ok, make it $500"

"No! Get away from me!"

"How about $1000?"

"I said, no!"

"$10,000, cash."

"Okay, fine!"...

Two nuns are walking down the street when they notice that a man is following them.

Sister Michael, the older and wiser nun, says to the young and naïve Sister Patrick, "See that crossroad ahead? You go left and I'll go right: he can't follow us both. We'll meet back at the Abbey."

So the sisters part and the man follows Sister Michael.

Some time later, Sister Patrick...

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A woman who is pregnant with triplets (boys) is walking on the street when all of a sudden she gets shot 3 times in the stomach.

Upon arrival at the hospital the doctor tells her she will live and so will the 3 boys. He also tells her surgery isnt necessary to remove the bullets and the bullets will find its way out the natural way.

10 years have passed since the accident .when 1 of the boys runs up to his mom screamin...

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back garden is ...

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A woman was walking down the street with her left tit out...

A policeman stops her and says

_"Miss, do you know your left tit is hanging out?"_

She looks down says

_"Shit! I left the baby on the bus again!"_

Two nuns are riding bicycles through the streets of Rome.

"I've never come this way before" says the first nun.

The second nun replies: "It's the cobblestones."

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A zoophile, a sadist, a pyromaniac, a necrophile, and a masochist find a cat on the street.

The zoophile says, "We should fuck the cat."

The sadist says, "We should fuck the cat, torture it, and then fuck it again."

The pyromaniac says, "We should fuck the cat, torture it with fire, and then fuck it again."

The necrophile says, "We should fuck the cat, torture it to de...

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank...

[Long] A man is walking down the street

A man is walking down the street, at the first house he passes by, there's a painter painting the entire house pink, so the man asks "why are you painting the entire house pink?" The painter answers that there are new residents, namely two girls from r/Women and they like pink. They wish each other ...

The world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make is walking down the street.

He passes a record store that's advertising a sale. The sign says "45 RPM Vinyl First Editions, European Wasps and The Sounds They Make." Naturally, he's intrigued. So he stops on in and says to the record man, "excuse me, but I am the worlds leading expert on European Wasps and the sounds they make...

Found a bunch of kittens in a suitcase on the street and immediately rang the RSPCA...

They asked, “are they moving?”.

I said, “I’m not sure, but it would explain the suitcase”.

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(OC) A devout christian Canadian man is walking down the street when a group of Latino male prostitutes walk up to him and ask if he wants to have a good time...

The Canadian man quickly shooed them away yelling as they went "No way hoes eh"

While filling my car up, I noticed a woman smoking while filling her car up, silly thing to do, but I know better than to confront strangers about their stupidity. I see two cops on the other side of the street, they can see her but they aren't doing anything about it...

Tax dollars in action I guess.

As I am going to pay I hear this screaming behind me, like "I am dying!" type screaming.

I look around and see that this woman's arm is on fire!

She is literally running around the station waving her arm in the air!

The cops jump into action...

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An elephant is standing on a street corner with an erection.

His thing is HUGE, hangs all the way to the ground.

At that moment a mother is taking her son to school and the son looks at the elephant and says "Mommy what is that?"

Mom: "Oh that's the trunk honey"
Kid: "No mom, further back between the legs"
Mom: "Oh that? That's n...

Why did the console peasant cross the street?

To render the other side.

A boy sees a beautiful girl across the street.

After they hit it off, he goes home and excitedly tells his dad the news.

“Dad, I just got to know this amazing girl across the street! She lives really close by and her name is Jenna. I really like her!”

The father winces and looks at him. “Son, I’m sorry to tell you this, but Jenna i...

Saw a hooker on the street who said she'd do anything for $50

Guess who got the front porch repainted, bathroom retiled and a new deck.

A woman accidentally locked her keys in her car and was pacing frantically on the side of the street, when a soldier from Boston passing by saw this and assured her that he could help. She looked on in amazement as he removed his trousers, rolled them into a tight ball...

...and rubbed them against the car door.

Magically, it opened!!

"That's incredible!!" the woman gasped. "How did you do it?"

"Easy..." replied the soldier. "These are my khakis."

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Prince Charles decided to take up walking and everyday, at the same street corner, he would pass a hooker. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

“One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout. "No! Five pounds!" he said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. She'd yell "One hundred and fifty pounds!" He'd yell back "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided t...

Two r/Jokes redditors see each other on the street.

The first redditor says, "Hey! Hi! How are you doing? Haven't seen you in years!"

The second redditor says, "Hey! Hi! How are you doing? Haven't seen you in years!"

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A man was walking down the street when his son asks him a question.

"Dad, why is that guy wearing a robot leg?"

"It's a prosthetic leg," the father explains. "They go where real limbs used to be."

Confused, the son asks, "Did mum used to have a penis?"

"No son," the dad replies. "Why'd you ask?"

"She has one in her drawer."

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Two tampons are walking down the street, which one says hi first

Neither, they’re both stuck up cunts

An englishman, a frenchman, a spaniard, and a german were all standing watching a street performer do some exciting juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a wooden box and asks them, 'Can you all see me now?'

'Yes'

'Oui'

'Sí'

'Ja'

Three nuns are riding bicycles down a old street...

One says 'I've never come this way before.' To which the youngest nun says, 'I know, I think it's the cobblestones.'

Not Mine But i had to share

A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch in the rocking chair with nothing on from the waist down.

A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch in the rocking chair with nothing on from the waist down.

“Grandpa, what are you doing?” he asked.

The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.

“Grandpa, what are you doing sit...

The Wolf of Wall Street

Martin Scorsese's film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the word "F**k" or "F**king" 506 times. That actually beats a record set by me in 2010, trying to put an Ikea chair together.

Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.

My life is a joke.

Moses was walking down the street when he bumped into George W. Bush.

Moses was walking down the street when he bumped into George W. Bush. “Hello,” Bush said. “Nice weather we’re having, huh?” Moses took one look at the President, turned, and ran in the other direction.

The next day Moses was walking down the same street and there was Bush. Again he tried to i...

There’s a guy selling prosthetic limbs on my street.

He’s an arms dealer.

Two police officers saw an old woman staggering down the street. Stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home.

They loaded her into the police car one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman.

As they drove through the streets, they kept asking the woman where she lived. All she would say as she stroked the officers arm is "You're Passionate."

They drove a while longer and aske...

A woman's closet door what making a terrible sounds whenever a bus was crossing the street outside

So she called a carpenter to check it out.

The carpenter comes to see what's the problem but sees nothing. Right then a bus was crossing the street and a loud creaking sound was heard. He couldn't believe it.

So he told her that he'll be waiting inside the closet to see what is making ...

Dracula was casually walking down the street for a late night stroll.

All of a sudden, a mozzarella stick flies through the air and hits him on the side of the head. He looks around slightly perplexed, but doesn't think too much of it.

A few meters further on and a chicken wing smacks him in the nuts. As he doubles over in pain, out of nowhere, he is drenched i...

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn’t need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied. The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He reappear...

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't ...

Some guy stopped me in the street and asked, why I was carrying a 9ft book.....

I said, its a long story.

A young man, walking down the street, passes a woman sitting next to a TV with a For Sale sign on it.

Him: Hi, how much for the TV?

Her: One dollar

Him: Only one? Wow that’s a bargain!

Her: Yeah, it’s cheap because the volume is stuck on maximum

Him: Ah, Ok. So the TV is one dollar because the volume is always right up?

Her: Yep. Do you want it?

Him: Well I ...

A woman was walking along the street when she got plowed into by a vehicle and killed...

The police had a tough time identifying her, but they were able to get a picture from the DMV.

They walked up to her house and rang the doorbell.

"Sir, do you know this woman?"

"Yes it's my wife"

(Deep sigh) "Sir, I'm not really sure how to break this to you... but it loo...

An English man, French ,Italian and German are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer.

The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded: "Yes" "Oui" "Sì" "Ja"

A man is walking down the street with a length of string trailing behind him ...

Why are you pulling that string along ? asked a nosey cop. The mans answer? “You try pushing it”!

My dad has taken to walking the streets of our neighborhood dressed as a nun.

We're trying hard to get him out of the habit.

The duck was singing on the street for money

He got fined for selling quack.

He got an extra fine for using fowl language.

He said put the charges on my bill.

An Irishman was in New York patiently waiting to cross a busy street.

There was a traffic cop manning the crossing.

The cop stopped after a few minutes and told those waiting to cross the road, ‘Okay pedestrians’, he said, ‘Let’s go’.

The Irishman stood waiting, growing more and more frustrated. After five minutes he shouted to the cop, ‘Here! The pedest...

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With a pair of bowling balls in each hand, I walked down the street.

A man that I passed stopped me and asked, "Where are you carrying those bowling balls? The bowling alley is in the other direction."

"Oh, I'm not going bowling. I'm going to the club to pick up girls." I replied.

"The club?! Won't it be hard to pick up girls without a free hand?" th...

A Boy Stands in the middle of the street and screams: "ICE CREAM! ICE CREAM!"

A man walks Up to the Boy and asks what he is doing.
The Boy replies: I Scream ice cream.

Saw my cousin walking down the street

Her dog got its foot stuck in a drain. I asked her if she needed help dealing with it. She told me to flip off. What a ungrateful brat, I muttered while putting my gun in its holder.

A redditor was walking down the street.

When suddenly, the nearby bank was robbed. He stood there in shock. "This blew up" he said, not noticing the bandits running towards him with gold bars.

The fleeing gang hadnt had where to go, so they dumped a bit of gold to our redditor, "Thanks for the gold, kind stranger" was all he said...

A Jewish man is walking down the sidewalk. As he goes to cross the street he is hit by a car and hurled through the air causing him to hit his head. A beautiful woman sees this and takes off her coat as she runs over to the man. She lifts his head and places the jacket under his head.

She tells the man not to move and that she is going to call for an ambulance.

But before she gets up to get her phone out and call she asks the man, “Are you comfortable?”

To which the man replies, “Eh, I make a living.”

What did the goat say when it walked across the street?

Baaah

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Little Johhny was playing with a bottle in the street

when a priest happend to be walking by and said "what are you doing there sonny"
he said, "im playing with this bottle of sulphuric acid"
The priest, shocked said "don't you realise thats very dangerous!? Here, look. I'll trade you this bottle of Holy water.
Little Johnny said "oh, no way"...

A vendor selling ice from a street cart has a sign that says “Ise Stand.” “Mr. vendor, you seem to have accidentally confused the ‘c’ in ‘ice’ for an ‘s.’” The vendor replies, “I’m certain you are mistaken!” The next day, the vendor’s freshly repainted sign reads:

“Ice Stand, Corrected”

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A professor of economics and his grad student are walking down the street together...

Suddenly, the professor sees a turd by the sidewalk. He says to the student: "I'll give you $1000 to eat that turd". The student obliges, eats the turd and pockets the cash. A mile down the road, the student sees another turd, and offers the $1000 back so that the professor will eat it. The professo...

A HTML developer was walking down the street when he was greeted by a donkey.

"Hello Mr Programmer", the donkey said, "how are you?".

"mighty fine, thank you donkey", the HTML dev replied.

Immediately the donkey started crying.

"What's the matter little friend?" the HTML dev asked.

"I called you a programmer, at least you could call me horse" t...

A guy is crossing the street when he comes across a garage sale

A guy is crossing the street when he comes across a garage sale.

He gets closer and starts taking a look at the items on display when he sees this huge TV.

He walks up to the seller and asks him.

- "Hey how much does that TV cost?"

- "It's only 1 dollar."

- "Only ...

Trump is walking down the street with his buddy, Mike Pence...

They're enjoying a little stroll about Parliment when they see a kid smoking a cigarette.

Trump, apalled, asks the boy what grade he's in.

"Two," replied the boy.

Trump starts berating the boy about how he shouldn't be smoking at such a young age, when Pence grabs him by the sho...

Adulthood is like looking both ways before crossing the street

Then getting hit by an airplane.

The gynecologist down the street is selling the upper floors of his practice...

...He only works in the downstairs area anyway...

There was this drunk walking down the street

He walks up to this cop and he says, “man, somebody stole my car”.

And the cops says, “well where was it”... and he says “it was right on the end of this key”.

The cop says, “I don’t know man, why don’t you go down to the precinct house and report it down there. They’ll fill out all t...

Street photography is fun and all

Until the only thing left to shoot is yourself

A man was waiting for a bus one day, when he noticed a young blonde woman digging a hole...

...and another blonde immediately filling the hole back in with dirt. He watches as they move up the street doing this over and over again. The first blonde digs a hole, and the second one fills the dirt right back in. After a few minutes, he decides to ask them "excuse me, what are you ladies doing...

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2 guys were walking down the street.

Guy 1: Guess what?

Guy 2: What?

Guy 1: Chicken butt.

Guy 2: John, you’re 22. You need to be more mature.

Guy 1: Ok. Guess what?

Guy 2: What did I just say?

Guy 1: To be more mature. Now guess what.

Guy 2: What.

Guy 1: Chicken ass.

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, 'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?'

The doctor replies, “1500+hp Porsche 917/30. It cost half a million dollars!”

'That's a lot of money,' says the old man.
'Why does it cost so much?'

'Because this car can do up to ...

Two Boys Sitting Across the Street from a Brothel

The boys, who are 18 and 19 but have never been with a woman, see men go in and come out with big smiles on their faces, so they decide to go see what it's about.

They knock and this big madam opens the door, saying "what can I do for you young men?"

"We want to know why all the men in...

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Two potatoes are standing on the street corner. How can you tell which one is the prostitute?

It’s the one with the sticker that says IDAHO

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Two men bumped into each other on the street

The first man says "Hey man, its 2020, you gotta keep your fucking distance"

The second man replies "What are you gonna do about it, huh?

The two men get ready to fight. The first man takes out his hand sanitizer and sanitizes his hands. The second man does the same.

The first m...

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An old cheapskate sees a beautiful woman walking down the street

He calls out to her “miss! How much to bite your breasts?”

The woman, offended and a bit shocked, says “what??? you’re disgusting!” And continues walking down the street.

The cheapskate huffs and puffs to catch up with her and tries again, “miss! I’ll make it worth your while, how abou...

Which state has the most streets?

Rhode Island.

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Why did the semen cross the street?

Because you wore the wrong socks today

A man was walking down the streets when another man approached him.

"WOW IS THAT YOU JOE YOU CHANGED A LOT, YOUR HAIR CHANGED A LOT JOE YOUR EYES CHANGED A LOT JOE EVEN YOUR FACE CHANGED A LOT JOE ISN'T IT AMAZING HOW MUCH PEOPLE CAN CHANGE IN THE COURSE OF A YEAR JOE?" The approaching man shouted. The other man replied with "My name isn't Joe..." So the other guy ...

A guy walks down the street and carries an urn in his arms.

A cannibal goes around him and says, "Daamn, where'd you get instant?



(Translated from Czech)

Yesterday I met the cable TV guy on the street and he asked me what time it was.

I gladly told him it's between 9 and 5.

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Me: I’m terrified of the Back Street Boys

Therapist: Tell me why.

Me: (*Screams*)

Which font do the protesters use to paint BLACK LIVES MATTER onto the streets of New York City?

Times Square New Roman.

An old couple used to live across the street from the cemetery...

Now they live across the street from their house.

To peanuts are walking down the street.

And one was as-salt-ted

A 15-year old boy came home with a Porsche.

His parents began to yell and scream. “Where did you get that car?”

He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

“With what money?” Demanded his parents. “We know how much a Porsche costs!”

“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

The parents began to yell e...

A kid is walking down the street looking slightly guilty, but mostly sick...

His mouth looks full of something. A guy sees him and walks up to him.
The guy says, “Hey kid, you don’t look too good. Did you get your hands on some chewing tobacco?”
The kid says, “No. I stole one of my mom’s sugar-free chocolate bars.”

Two homeless are on the street in front of the Vatican...

One has a big cross and the other a star of David. The pope sees them and stops his whole entourage to go speak to them. He says to the beggar under the star of David, "my son this is a Catholic country. You're never going to get any charity with this Jewish emblem above you, especially as the fell...

I was walking down the street the other day minding my own business.

When out of nowhere a man ran up to me and attacked me with some milk and cheese.

How dairy!

Two guys are walking down the street and come across this dog licking his balls.

One guy says "Man, I wish *I* could do that". The other guy responds "Maybe you should pet him first!"

There's a graveyard at the end of my street.

I guess it really is a dead end.

A man meets a stalker in the streets.

Man - What are you into?

Stalker - I stalk people.

Man - Really? Well, I like-





Stalker - Nature and running, I know.

Three women walking down the street are stopped by a man doing a survey.

He asks "Ladies, would you mind telling me how you know if you've had a good night out?"

The first replies "I come home, get into bed and if I lay there and tingle all over, I know that I had a good night.”

The second one replies "I come home, have a shower and a glass of wine, get in...

An English tourist in a Cairo marketplace was offered a large skull by a street trader

"This is the skull of Great Queen Cleopatra for only One hundred English pound." said the trader.

The tourist says, "No thank you, it's far too expensive."

Then the trader produces a small skull and says, "How about this one?"

The tourist asks, "Whose skull is that?"

The ...

What does a Red Hot Chilli Pepper do while gazing out on the street?

Road Trippin'

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(Warning: No Punchline) A drunk is hauled in off the street and taken before the magistrate, who asks him to explain his drunken behavior.

”Well,” says the drunk, ”I had ten bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or I’d be in trouble."

”So I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass...

A man is walking down Main Street in a small town, browsing the shops.

He goes into a curio shop, and peruses through all the knickknacks. In front of the register, there is a glass case with several expensive items. One item catches his eye; a little gold rat, slightly smaller than the real thing. He asks the shopkeeper what's the deal with the gold rat.

"Ahhh,...

"I think your car just got keyed by some guy..." I told a man in the street.

"Can't you give me a better description?" he said.

"OK," I replied, "some gentleman swiped his tender hand across the metallic section of your motor vehicle, sir."

A guy was screaming "The President is Stupid" on the middle of a street in Washington DC

A policeman came up to him and slapped him once.
Man : "I was talking about the President of Ireland."
*The policeman slapped the man again.*
Man: Why did you slap me?
Policeman : "As if we don't know which President is stupid"

Who else thinks it's time we called Sesame Street out for what it really is?

Show of hands

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Three men are standing outside a jewellery shop looking at an expensive ring in the display window

The first man says, "That ring is perfect for Karen. I just wish I could afford it."

The second man says, "I was planning on proposing to Julie soon. She'd love that ring."

The third man says, "Okay, I'll make you both a deal. Whichever one of you gets to the bottom of the street first...

Two math books were walking down the street

One math book looked at the other and said, "Bro, we got problems"

So, full disclosure: There's this lady across the street whom I've been into for a while now.

I just started talking to her and I gotta say...

Lawn distance relationships aren't that bad.

A magician was driving down a street

He accidentally turned into a driveway.

"Excuse me," asked a homeless fella, as I walked through the street with my son. "Have you got a cigarette I can smoke?"



"Afraid not," I replied.



"What about your kid?" he insisted.



"No, you can't smoke him either."

On my street everything seems to be going right

It's a one way street

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A young boy was walking to school when he saw a dead dog in the street. When he got to school he told his teacher what he saw. “How do you know if the dog was really dead?” She asked the boy. “Because I pissed in his ear.” The teacher looked horrified. “What do you mean you pissed in his ear??”

“I went up to him and said ‘Pssstt!’ in his ear but he didn’t move.”

Why did the Chicken cross the street?

Beak-cause, she didn't want to chicken out.

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A very hot blonde and a very hot brunette are loose on the streets.

A very hot blonde and a very hot brunette are loose on the streets. They are working together looting people. One gives you a blowjob while the other cleans out your wallet.
Trust me, I've been robbed 7 times by them.

Why did the pig cross the street?

To clock in at the precinct

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Two guys are walking down the street.

They see a dog sitting on the sidewalk. Its leg is in the air and it is licking its balls

"Shit, I wish I could do that," one of them says.

"Toss him a couple of milk bones and I'm sure he'll let you," the other one says.

What kind of cake do you get on Sesame Street?

A Bert-day cake!

Which sesame Street character is the best at writing plays?

Big Bard

I'm surprised Metallica hasn't been on Sesame Street,

After all they are the Master of Puppets.

Two guys are walking down the street one evening , being very loud...

A police officer comes up to them and says, “Sirs, don’t you know it is against the law to be making such a racket on your way home in the evening?”

The men look at him and just say, “Yes, we know”

The officer, puzzled, says, “So why don’t you follow the law?”

The men simply sta...

A tomato and a cucumber bounce into a bar.

"Larry and I have been wanting to become human for a while now," the tomato says to the bartender. "But none of the other bars in town have drinks that will turn us into humans. Do you have such a drink?"

"I think I do," says the bartender. "Let me see if I have it."

"This is gonna be ...

James is walking on a downtown street one day, and he happens to see his old high school friend, Harry, a little ways up ahead.

"Harry, Harry, how are you?" he greets his old buddy after getting his attention.

"Not so good," says Harry.

"Why, what happened?" James queries.

"Well," Harry says, "I just went bankrupt and I've still got to feed my family. I don't know what I'm going to do."

"Could hav...

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A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis are walking down the street talking amongst themselves about who has the hardest life...

The cucumber says, “I have the hardest life. Whenever I get big, thick, and juicy, they chop me up and put me into salads. It’s horrible!”

The pickle and the penis start giggling. The pickle replies, “Oh you haven’t seen anything yet. When I get big, thick, and juicy, I get stuffed into this ...

Man walked down the street...

Man walked down the street when he saw his friends wife leaving bar in tears. He entered the bar, and there was his friend drinking beer. He asked him: "Why did your wife left the bar in tears?" His friend replied: "When we go shopping, she enters every single store, then we return to the first one,...

I recently walked down a street where the homes were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1024K

It was a trip down memory lane

A dude on the street yelled that it's allowed to be LGBTQ nowadays and said it was 100% true

A man walked by and said:

"You're not spitting straight facts, that's for sure"

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A man is walking down the street an sees that his favorite brothel is on fire

He selflessly runs into the flames and comes back out with a dwarf sex worker. When asked why he rescued her, he says "I always save a little fellator"

An American man, a French man, a Spanish man and a German man are standing on the sidewalk, trying to watch a street performer juggle bowling pins.

The juggler notices they're having a bit of trouble, so he stands on a large wooden box and says to them, "Can you see me now?"

They answer one at a time:

"Yes."

"Oui."

"Sí."

"Ja."

A cow crossing a street sees a glove in ground. All ashamed and blushing goes:

Oh my god. Who's bra is this

NOTE: It's a dad joke but I didn't know how to make a #DadJoke label. So consider yourself warned.

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A guy changing at the gym...

A guy changing at the gym answers the phone, as he’s getting dressed, naturally he just puts it on speaker, the female voice is heard
“Hey Honey, I’ve just found this beautiful designer coat and it’s on sale for £2,000 do you mind if I get it”
The guy says “well if you love it so much then yea...

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A woman was having an affair.

One rainy day she was in bed with her BF when she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

Woman: 'OMG - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window'.

BF: It's raining out there!'

Woman: 'If my husband catches us, he'll kill us!.

BF jumps out of the window!...

I saw a poor old lady fall in the street today.

Well I'm assuming she's poor, she only had $1 in her purse.

Two nuns were walking home one night down a very dark street.

One nun was called Sister Mathematical because of her gift for numbers and the other nun was called Sister Logical because of her gift for reasoning. They soon noticed that a man was following them. They would speed up, and he would speed up. They would stop, and he would stop. Sister Mathematical s...

Colin meets a girl on the street. He says, "Come on, babe, let's go in the alleyway and get it on. I've got fifteen bucks." She says, "FIFTEEN bucks? You're crazy. For fifteen bucks, I'll let you LOOK at it."

They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees. It’s so dark he can't see anything so he gets out his lighter. He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic hair... it's so curly and thick... it's BEAUTIFUL."

She says, "Thank you." He says, "You m...

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

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A masochist walks out onto the street, screaming "Please, hurt me, please!"

As he tears his shirt and wails out, a crowd gathers around him, until finally, a sadist steps forward.

Once more, the man screams to him, pleading "Please, hurt me, I need it!"

To which, the sadist walks around him in a circle, smirks at him, and says "No".

All credit to my o...

I walked down the street and saw a man with a mattress strapped to his back

I stopped him and asked what it was for,

He said “you know my father always said I should have something to fall back on”

A young married couple are walking down the street...

...suddenly the girl trips and stumbles against something and gets mud on her shoes. Her partner helps her clean up, hails a nearby taxi and they drive off.

An eyewitness retells the scene to another:
"I saw this couple walk down the street, the woman tripped and fell in the mud, the guy h...

Albert Einstein challenged Mr. Bean

Einstein said to Mr. Bean: "I'll ask you a question.​If you can't answer correctly, you'll give me one dollar. Then you ask me a question. If I can't answer correctly, I'll give you 1000 dollars.

Einstein: asks a question.

Mr. Bean after a little while: gives Einstein one dollar.
...

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Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, and enticing Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.


The males are speechless before the hottie, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.


Aware of her c...

A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street.

Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Mexican is stunned and
the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish; anything
you want."

The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila."
Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want,<...

A lady is walking to the store when the sees the most beautiful garden shes ever seen....

She askes the man wattering his garden

"Excuse me sir, how do you get such red tomatoes?"

"Well" he said, "it's a bit embarrassing, but every morning I get up and come outside in just my robe and flash my tomatoes. Then the tomatoes blush and turn redder! You should try it sometime!"...

A blonde was walking down the street with headphones in

A friend of hers stops her, and tries to talk to her

The blonde just stares at them, keeping the headphones in her ears, so the friend removes them for her and the blonde stops breathing

The friend quickly puts the earbuds back in and she starts breathing again

The friend tries ...

I saw a man in the street with a dog and a white stick. I said ‘You must be blind.’ He said ‘Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.’

So I said ‘There’s a tree over there.’

A Dutch joke about the Brits and their love for queues, don’t know if it translates well

A Brit walks down the street and sees two queues. He gets behind one of them, and asks the woman in front of him:

“What is this queue for?”

“Just for fun” says the women.

“But what if I don’t want to stand in the queue?” The Brit asks.

To which the woman replies “that’s w...

When you smell pee in the street you can tell

Urine the wrong neighborhood

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The most offensive thing as a black man is when you walking down the street and an old white woman clutches her purse.

Bitch really thinks she stronger than me.

A nun is walking down the sidewalk when she sees a drunk exit the bar across the street.

He stares at her for a long while before making a beeline across the street and stopping right in front of her.

She is about to say "how are you today, brother?" When he punches her hard in the stomach.

Bent over, trying to catch her breath, she's about to say "what was that for?" Whe...

The CEO of a hardware company calls in his top ad man and tells him, "We need a new TV spot for our B&Q Nails line."

A week later, the ad man comes back with a videotape and pops it into the VCR in the CEO's office. The commercial starts and the CEO sees Jesus being nailed to the cross while a voice over says, "B&Q nails: they get the job done." The CEO is irritated and says, "That is completely unacceptable! ...

An old man was walking down the street one day when he observed a small boy struggling to reach the doorbell at one of the houses.

The kindly old man said to the boy, “Can I help you with that sonny?”

At which point he smiled, placed a comforting hand on the boy’s shoulder whilst pressing the doorbell firmly with his other hand.

“There”, said the old man, as he stepped back from the door. “Now what do we do young ...

My neighbor. She’s single. She’s shapely & beautiful and she lives right across the street.

I watched her as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on my door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, ”I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have fun tonight. Are...

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A young woman visits a florist to buy some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterday...

An officer observes a woman standing in the middle of the street.

He approaches her and asks, "Are you okay?"

The woman replies, "Yes, but how do I get to the hospital?"

The officer replies, "Just keep standing there."

Four men are standing on a street corner...

...one is from Russia, one from North Korea, one from Dubai, and one from New York.

A reporter comes upon them standing there and says, "Excuse me, what do you think about the meat shortage?"

The man from Russia says, "What's meat?"
The man from North Korea says, "What's think?"...

A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk.

A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk. When the chicken sees that it has the librarian's attention, it squawks, "Book, book, book, BOOK!"

The librarian complies, putting a couple of books...

(long) A man was standing before the judge, being questioned over how did he managed

to run over 10 people while driving his truck, so the man answered:

I was driving my truck, hauling a heavy load of rocks, going down this steep street, on one level i came to realize that my brakes have overheated, and unresponsive, down in my way there was 2 groups of pedestrian, on the rig...

I saw a guy on the street selling clones of himself, he was having a sale where you could buy 6 for the price of one

I turned to my friend and said "get a load of this guy"

Due to COVID-19, truck dealerships have moved sales of their vehicles out of their buildings and onto the streets.

They’re calling the new service:

Curbside pickup.

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A man is walking down the street when he notices what looks like shit on the ground

He bends over and inspects the pile.

”It sure looks like shit” he thinks to himself.

He moves a bit closer to it a takes quick breath through his nose.

”It sure smells like shit”

He picks up a piece and squeezes it in his hand.

”It sure feels like shit”

He t...

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A drunk American was pissing on a street in Germany

When a German girl walks by and screams “Ah Nein! “ The American guy says, “I’m flattered but I think it’s closer to 8.”

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A man walking down the street saw an old woman carrying two bags in her hands, one of which was filled with money.

He asked her, "Where did an old woman like yourself get a bag of money?"

She said, "Well, there's a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to take a piss they stick their dicks in a hole in my fence and piss all over my flowerbed. It became a problem, so I sat next to the hole with...

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A german, a french and an italian are walking down the street...

Suddenly a genie appears in front of them and says: “You lucky men, come with me!” and teleports them in front of 3 empty pools. He then says: “You have to jump from the diving board and say what you want your pool to be full of.”
The german jumps and says: “Beer!” and he falls into the pool with...

Two officers are walking the streets reminding people that curfew starts in 15 minutes

Suddenly one of the officers shoots a guy running home.

The second officer asks "Why did you shoot him, the curfew hasn't started yet?"

The first officer replies: "I know where he lives, he wouldn't have made home in 10 minutes".

The inventor of the crossword puzzle lives near me.

Street's three across and two down.

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A hearse is driving up the street...

A hearse is driving up a very steep street and once it gets near the top, the back door opens up and the coffin comes shooting out of the hearse and rolls down the street.

People are diving out of the way, cars are swerving, it’s chaos! By the time it reaches the bottom of the hill it has pic...

I was walking down the street with a friend and we saw two blind guys fighting

We got closer and I said "My bet is on the one with the knife."
They both ran

I don’t trust streets with lots of trees on them.

They seem shady.

A german was peeing in a street in New York...

... and a lady looks at him and says:

'Gross.'

To which the German replies:

'Danke!'

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