Shot Jokes - 110 Hilarious Shot Jokes

You miss a hundred percent of the shots you don’t take.

-Alec Baldwin.

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A man walks into a bar and downs three shots of whiskey.

The man loudly proclaims, "All lawyers are assholes!"

A big, burly man next to him at the bar turns around and says, "Take that back."

"Why? Are you a lawyer?"

"No, I'm an ."

The doctor gave me six months to live, so I shot him.

The judge gave me 50 years. Problem solved.

Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump are shot during a conference and die...

Up in the sky, they are greeted by Saint Peter who says: ‚You have died. As you are politicians, surely you have sinned. Therefore you must wade through the Swamp of Lies before you can go to Heaven and join Him in eternal happiness.‘

As in her former life, Merkel wants to tackle every challe...

Did you hear about the guy who was shot with a starter pistol?

Police think it is race-related

A man in my town was shot yesterday with a starter’s pistol.

Police suspect that the crime is race related.

Why was Star Wars shot Episodes 4, 5, 6, then 1, 2, 3?

Because in charge of directing, Yoda was

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Man is sitting in a bar staring at a shot glass, while a bartender cleans the table.

Suddenly a biker sits next to the man, grabs the shot and drinks it in one gulp before slamming the glass back in front of the man.

The man stares the glass for a second before bursting in hysterical sobs. Both the bartender and the biker stare at the man in suprise.

The bartender quic...

Why does Batman only wear dark colors? Easy. Batman doesn't want to get shot. Why does Robin only wear bright colors?

Easy.

Batman doesn't want to get shot.

A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of the finest whiskey...

...the bartender looks at him a bit weird since he's alone, but pours the man a shot. The guy says, no, I'd like them all lined up, ready to go. The bartender this this is a bit odd, but the bar is empty, and figures, why not, this guy probably had a rough day or something. The man starts with the f...

Apparently someone has been shot with a starter pistol at the athletics track

Police think it may be race related

My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila

"You're coming home now!" she screamed.

"No, I'm not," I laughed.

She said, "I'm talking to the kids."

WW1: Because someone shot an Austrian

WW2: Because someone didn’t shoot an Austrian

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.....

...in a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

* The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
* The bouncer is a blonde girl.
* I'm a 6...

She has been shot (up).

Guy: Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant, but we always use protection, and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story: “There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion s...

Chuck Norris was shot today

The bullet is in critical condition

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did...

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A homophobic guy walks into a bar and immediately orders 3 double shots of whiskey.

Bartender: "Wow, that's a hefty order."
Guy: "Yeah, I just got terrible news that my brother has turned gay..."
Bartender gives the guy his 3 shots and leaves him alone.

-Next day-
The same guy enters the bar and again, orders the same drinks.
Bartender: "Still not over ...

Guy races into a bar looking very flustered and says to the bartender "Quick, give me a shot of your finest Scotch before the trouble starts"

The guy downs the scotch in a single gulp and glancing nervously towards the doors says **"Quick, give me another shot of you finest Scotch before the trouble starts"**

The guy downs that Scotch too and says, ***"Quick, another shot before the trouble starts".*** The barman pauses and says **...

How many shots can an Irish man handle?

about 10 rounds.

A man is playing golf, but keeps missing all his shots, and swearing, until a priest comes up to him and tells him not to use the lords name in vain.

"Jesus's christ! Missed again!" The golfer shouts in anger. "You mustn't swear like that, or God will enact his wrath on you." The priest explains. But the man doesn't listen.

His next shot is even further off. "Jesus christ! Missed again." The man yells in anger. The priest explains again, h...

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I shot a deer last week

My wife fixed some in a kind of stroganov. We get to the table and my kids don't know what they're eating.
"What's is this stuff?"my daughter asks.
I catch my wife's eye and give her a look.
"Isn't it delicious?"she says.
"It's something I call your father."
My son goes stares at her...

I shot a weight earlier

I was charged with Mass Murder.

Came up with this one earlier, was kinda proud of it, despite it being awful

At a bar, my friend made a remarkable shot in pool, and I asked how he did it.

He said, "When I am about to take a shot, it's like magic, I can just see the line where I need to shoot."

Then he threw a dart and got a bullseye on the first throw and I asked how he could aim the dart so well.

He said, "When I am about to throw a dart, it's like magic, I can just se...

What does the Secret Service say when Donald Trump gets shot at?

"Donald! Duck!"

A man goes to the track and bets $2 on a long shot and wins $18.

So he puts that $18 in the 2nd race and wins again $128. Again he puts it all on a long shot in the 3rd

race and again wins $770!

He keep doing this for each race, and finally on the last race he puts his entire winnings so far - $1,941,550!

The crowds are all around him watch...

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"Long Shots" (long)

A bartender was tending his bar, as one does, when a drunk patron approaches him and orders a pint of beer, plus a couple shots for himself and the bartender... The bar was relatively unpopulated, save for a few sitting along the bar and a booth of 5 gentlemen in the far corner, loudly joking and la...

Hot Shot CEO

A new company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid he company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business! Th...

My wife shot me with the nail gun today...

She must think I’m a stud!

"Dad, were you shot in the army?"

"No, I was shot in the leggy."

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Given that the US has now shot down three balloons (or suspected balloons) this week....

Whoever is flying the Goodyear blimp at the Super Bowl tonight had better have balls of steel.

10 shots of whiskey please!

A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender pours them and the guy starts downing them. By the 5th one the bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You'd drink this fast if you had what I have."

The bartender says, "What do you have?"
<...

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What do you call a cow after a couple shots of espresso?

Beef jerky.

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A perfectly normal couple has a baby, but, very unexpectedly, the baby is born without arms. Or legs. Or even a body. It's just a head...

Nevertheless, the couple embrace their roles as parents and, as unusual as it is, they raise their baby, trying to make his life as normal as possible. Obviously, it's a struggle, but they manage... and they love and treat their son like any other normal kid. Well, as much as possible.

On the...

Golfer slices a shot into traffic,

The ball goes through the drivers window of a school bus, into the drivers ear.. he crashes the bus into a crowded store...
Later, the cops interview him:
"You just killed 7 and injured 18. What do you intend to do about it?"
He replies: "I'm gonna choke up on my club and shorten my swing.....

My wife is fed up with me constantly posting jokes here, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?!" She shot back, "Whatever means necessary!!" I chuckled...

"No it doesn't!"

For Halloween, a classmate dressed up as a stormtrooper and shot up the school.

Don’t worry, no one got hurt.

Robert Kennedy Junior is running to become US President, and I think Americans should give him a shot.

And a couple of boosters, just to be sure.

I shot my first Thanksgiving turkey this year.

Scared the hell out of everyone else in the grocery store.

Eminem walks into a bar and tells the bartender, “Give me two shots of…”

The bartender cuts him off saying,”You only get one shot.”

Did you hear that the next season of Stranger Things will be shot in Australia?

The kids have to defeat a monster from the Right Way Up.

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It's a good thing Harambe got shot....

Dicks out for dead kids just doesn't sound good

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Names for different types of Golf shots.

There have been a number of humorous names for different types of golf shots, and I was wondering if anyone had heard of any more. Some examples:

Rock Hudson - A putt that looked straight, but wasn't.

Princess Grace - Should have used a driver, but didn't.

Princess Diana - Use...

A guy walks into the bar and looks the bartender in the eye and says "I need 10 shots"

The bartender lays them out and the man takes all 10 shots back to back.

In shock the bartender says, "I've never seen anyone drink like that before."

The man replies, "You'd drink like that too if you had what I had."

Sounding concerned, the bartender asks "Oh I'm sorry to hea...

Golf Trick Shot

This American golf fanatic always dreamed of playing at st. Andrews, and finally got the chance.

Going with his wife, they teed off and he proceeded to play the best game of his life.

After 9 holes, he was 5 strokes under par, and was on cloud nine.

On the back nine, he start...

A man walks into a bar and orders 12 of the most expensive whiskey shots

The bartender lines 12 up shot glasses and fills them up.

The man quickly downs all 12 of them back to back and taps the bar, “again.”

The bartender looks a little confused, but lines of 12 more shots.

The man quickly downs all 12 shots and hits the bar, “again.”

The bart...

There was a German, an Italian and an Irishman on death row.

The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:

1. To be shot
2. To be hung
3. To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head.". Boom, he was dead instantly.

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead...

An 88-year old man came to the hospital and said to the doctor, “Doctor, my 18 year old wife is pregnant with my child.”

The doctor paused and said, “There was a master bear shooter in a village. He never missed a shot.

But one day he was in a hurry, and took his umbrella instead of his rifle by mistake.

When he encountered a bear, he still didn’t realize his mistake and pointed the umbrella and shot the...

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A guy goes to the bar and orders 5 shots of Whiskey....

....the bartender asks, “Is the rest of the party parking, or...?”

Guy replies, “No, actually, they’re all for me. Had my first today.”

Bartender says, “No ! Lemme line up a sixth, on the house!”

Guy says, “Don’t bother, if five don’t kill the taste, nothing will.”

Two blondes are sitting at a bar...

Two blondes are sitting at a bar, obviously celebrating something. They wave over the bartender, and tell him to pour two more shots. Once poured, the two blondes clink their glasses together and say "42! YEAH!! 42!".

"Bartender, another round!"

Same thing happens on this shot. They c...

I shot someone with a starting gun.

I've been charged with race crimes

A depressed Storm Trooper goes to the bar for some jager shots.

He goes home sober.

A guy walks into a bar and says “Give me a shot of your finest Whiskey, and pour one for yourself on me!”

The bartender is surprised but pleased, so he pours two shots of the most expensive Scotch in the house.

They toast and drink up. After a few moments the man gets up and walks towards the door without paying. The bartender chases after him and says “hey what’s the big idea?! You haven’t paid...

A German P.O.W. gets shot in the leg...

...and gets an infection requiring the leg to be amputated. The prisoner asks "could have my leg sent to my friends and family back home as a souvenir to remember me by". The captors didn't see anything wrong with that and agreed to send the leg over.

Later the prisoner gets shot in the other...

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6 shots of whiskey

A man walks into a bar and orders 6 shots of whiskey
Bartender say " whoa 6 shots? What's the problem" man says " I just found out my older brother is gay"

Next night the Same man walks into the bar again , and orders six shots of whiskey. Bartnender say " what's the matter now". Man says...

When I was in high school I wrote a love letter to my teacher, and she shot me down.

But she also corrected the spelling and wrote “See me” in red marker at the bottom. Very mixed signals.

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take"

is terrible advice for a recovering alcoholic.

An old farmer got up in the middle of the night to use the toilet.

As he was heading back to bed, he looked out the window and saw the lights on in his shed. A closer inspection revealed men loading his tools and farm machinery into their truck.

He rushes to the phone and calls 000 (911)

"I need the police! There are some guys clearing out my shed!"...

My uncle got shot by a stray bullet. By some miracle, he had a bible in his jacket pocket.

So he had something to read as he bled to death.

A soldier in WWII was shot but coins in his pocket stopped the bullet.

It was his life savings.

One time I shot a bar of soap.

The bullet went clean through.

My grandpa went to Vietnam and he shot and killed dozens of North Vietnamese singlehandedly.

We are going on vacation somewhere else next year.

I am shooting a scene about a Korean martial art. The second shot wasn’t perfect by any means.

Take one though…

Man walks into a bar and orders three shots of whiskey.

Man walks into a bar and orders three separate shots of whiskey. He solemnly drinks each one. The bartender asks why he needs the three separate shots, and why all at once.

"Well, this one's for me brother in Dublin. This one's for me brother in New York. And this one's for me. Seein' as how...

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.

She came home from school...

A cat walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "what'll you have?"
The cat says, "A shot of rum."
The bartender pours the cat his drink.
The cat slowly pushes the shot off the table.
"Another."

Did you hear Novac Djokovik whiffed on two shots?

Three if you count the booster!!

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Covid shot

My girlfriend just got her first covid shot. I asked her how it went.

"It's just like having with you, i didn't feel it going in and was over in 5 seconds"

What do you call a very angry shot of vodka?

Mean spirited

I see that in the US they're complaining about halal meat. They want their meat to be killed the American way...

....but, honestly, what are the chances of a cow enrolling in high school and being shot by a classmate?

Shot a bear while thrifting

Goodwill Hunting

"I'm not throwing away my shot"

Alexander Hamilton, leader of the pro-vaccine movement 1780.

24 Shots

A bar holds a drinking contest to see who can drink 24 shots of Scotch in an hour? A man walks in, is invited to join in, and promptly leaves. He comes back an hour later, joins the contest and wins.

When asked where he went, he replies, "I had to go across the street to another bar to see i...

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Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says:
"When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot.
When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times."
The secon...

What happened when Pope John Paul II got shot?

He became ‘His Holeyness’
(No offence to Catholics/Pope/God)

what's it called when a Archer can never hit his shots

Projectile dysfunction

I was in a bar the other day, when a girl asked me, “What do you do?” I responded, “I race cars.” Screeching with excitement, she shot back, “Do you win many races!?” I sighed...

“No, the cars are much faster.”

An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three shots...

Seamus walks into a bar and asks the bartender for three shots of Bushmills and three pints of Guinness.

"Rough day, friend?" the bartender asks as he pours the drinks.

"Nah - it's for me brothers. The three of us used to drink together back home in Dublin when we were younger. Now Mi...

Why did Johnny Depp skip getting a booster shot?

Because he now has “Heard immunity”.

Got my second shot now.....

Waiting for the bartender to come back so that I can have a third shot.

Why was an insomniac shot by police?

He was resisting a rest.

I once put a scrabble tile into a Nerf gun and shot it at my friend, killing him instantly.

It was an accident though, I thought it was a blank.

I just shot a Frenchman who trespassed my house

No more Mr Nice Guy

A Man Asks for Three Shots At Once

One day a man walks into a bar and tells the bartender, “I’m gonna be having three shots, please. But, rather than one shot at a time, I’d like all three at once”

The bartender is confused by this request and asks, “why?”

The man replies, “Well, you see, I’m very close to my two brothe...

Did you hear about the guy on the Oregon Trail who was shot for insulting the leader of his wagon train?

He died from dissin’ Terry.

What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?

being shot

My grandfather was shot with a Canon

The picture came out really well.

When a basketball player never misses a shot, he's a god...

When I never miss a shot, I'm an 'alcoholic'.

A Priest working in a remote parish in Greenland gets his yearly visit from his Bishop.

The Bishop asks him, "How are you managing with the loneliness?"

The Priest responds, " If it wasn't for my Rosary and my whiskey, I couldn't make it. Would you like a shot of whiskey?"

The Bishop nods his head yes.

The Priest yells out, "Hey Rosary, bring us two shots ...

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A cat walks into a bar.

He’s having a bad day. He asks the bartender for a shot of whiskey. The bartender puts it on the counter and the cat slowly nudges the shot glass onto the floor breaking the shot glass. The cat looks up at the bartender and says leave the bottle. I’m not done yet.

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Four older gentlemen are out golfing, sharing about their lives and eventually the topic of their children's professional success is brought up. The first guy steps up, hurriedly takes his shot, wiffs the ball off into the woods, and starts walking to find his ball without saying a word...

The second man steps up to take his shot and confidently reports, "My son is doing pretty well. He's just been promoted to manager of the car dealership he works at. In fact, he's doing so well gave the last lady he was seeing a brand new sports car." Then he takes takes a swing and drives the ball ...

Netflix is soon releasing an extremely realistic documentary series about the life of Abraham Lincoln.

The finale is shot before a live audience.

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A guy in a bar bets the bartender $50 that he can lick his eyeball

The bartender agrees

The man takes his glass eye out, and bites it

The bartender angrily gives the man his money

The man bets the bartender $500 dollars that he can bite his other eyeball too

The bartender agrees to the bet, because the man was not blind

The man pu...

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My therapist asked me what I'd feel if I shot someone.

"Recoil", I calmly answered.

What happens when you cross Santa Claus with five shots of tequila?

Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer.

A Man Bursts into a Bar....

A man bursts into a bar and says "Bartender, quick! I need 12 shots of your finest single malt scotch whiskey!!". The bartender immediately springs into action, pouring out shots. The man takes them each as quickly as the bartender can pour, one after the other. The bartender exclaims "I've never se...

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What did the county Sheriff say about the black man who was shot 15 times?

"Worst case of suicide I've ever seen"

My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house...

I told her, "Fear of the CIA".

She laughed, I laughed, the Amazon Echo laughed. I shot the Amazon Echo

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A guy walks into a bar and asks for three shots

He does this every time he goes to the bar which was often. The bartender then asks him:

“I’m sorry sir, if you don’t mind me asking why do you always ask for three shots at the same time?”

The customer goes on to say: “well here is the thing, I’m one of three brothers, one lives in At...

My grandfather gave me the Luger pistol he took from a German soldier he shot

I had no idea that at his advanced age, he was shooting people in foreign countries and smuggling weapons.

If you men want a shot at something in life,

Paint a target on the back of a urinal.

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The local hot shot had never lost a drag race.

He had a souped up little dragster he pieced together himself. It was an old Honda, sure, but this guy had tuned it to perfection. Not only that, he'd squeezed every ounce of horsepower out of it possible: straight pipes, turbo, the works.

There's a straightaway on a back road where all the l...

There was a blackout in my neighborhood last night

The police told us to stay inside until they shot him

A guy is playing golf with his wife...

They're on the 12th hole and the guy slices his tee shot right into the woods. He trudges into the woods, and locates his ball. it's in a little clearing, but there is a big barn between him and the green.

He takes a good look, and says, "Listen, honey, I think if you hold the barn door ope...

Great grandma calling her shot

My great grandmother was notorious for kind of edgy but hilarious jokes.. she also lived to 103 and 50 weeks.

At her funeral her daughter told my brother and I about the last time she saw her. She said she was getting everything together to leave and had told her mother goodbye and that she’...

Javelin and Shot Put

Discus.

I got my first shot.

I’ll get my second one as soon as I get the bartender’s attention

A hunter shoots a deer and is pulling it back to his truck

A hunter shoots a deer and is pulling it back to his truck

A farmer passes by and says, "Hey you shot that deer on my property. That makes that deer mine."
The hunter says, "No way, I tracked it, I shot it, it's mine."
The farmer says, "Ok Ok...we'll settle this the old way."
"The ol...

What did the Dalek say when it shot the Linux user?

xterm-inate!

I just got my first shot!

I’m going to get another as soon as the waitress gets back.

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