Occasion Jokes - 71 Hilarious Occasion Jokes

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A rural farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing do...

I only drink in two occasions: When it's my birthday...

and when it's not.

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A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his<...

What's an occasion they you only celebrate for half a minute?

Your thirty-second birthday.

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Why do jokes work on every occasion?

Because they can fit anywhere

A new business is opening and one of the owner’s friends wants to send him flowers for the occasion.

They arrive at the new business site and the owner reads the card: “Rest in Peace.” Understandably the owner is angry and calls the florist to complain.

After he tells the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he is, the florist replies, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rath...

Kobe Bryant's death was an important and historic occasion.

It marked the first time he's passed in years.

A king used to be drunk throughout the day, no matter what the time, day, occasion was

Frustrated by his behaviour, the queen left the palace and vowed to never go back.

The king, drunk as usual and absolutely shocked by this news, asked his minister, what caused such extreme move of queen

Minister said, "Your highness"

On three occasions now this week a colleague has approached me and said “I’m worried about what’s going on with you”.

What’s weirder is they think my name is “Crane”.

Some say cake is for special occasions

I say it is for exploiting the reddit community for upvotes!

The first mate on a ship decided to celebrate an occasion with a "little" stowed away rum.

Unfortunately he got drunk and was still drunk the next morning. The captain saw him drunk and when the first mate was sober, showed him the following entry in the ship's log: "The first mate was drunk today."

"Captain please don't let that stay in the log," the mate said. "This could add mo...

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The brunette thinks "I bet that di...

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My classic blasphemy joke in honor of the occasion...

A priest, a and a walk into a bar.

He sits down and orders a drink.

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To commemorate the occasion with a Japanese wine I decided to go down to the cellar

for old time's sake

Judge: “It is stated here that on six occasions, you broke into the boutique.”

Man: “Yes my Lord.”

Judge: “How many clothes did you steal?”

Man: “One dress.”

Judge: “You broke into the boutique six times but stole only one dress?”

Man: “My wife didn't like the first five.”

I only ever drink on 2 occasions. Christmas

and not Christmas

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Billy's diagnosis

Billy was just diagnosed with a terminal cancer. The doctor gave him 3 weeks to live.

Billy came home and called his son upstairs. With a heavy voice, Billy said “I have cancer and I only have 3 weeks left to live. It is in our family’s tradition to drink ourselves out in such events.” The s...

Spiderman designed a new outfit that he can wear to formal occasions.

It's a class action suit.

When is the best occasion to wear a gravestone marker hat?

When your hair is dyed

On the occasion of Teachers Day, I called all my teachers and told them, "Everything I am today, it is because of you all."

They said, "don't blame us, we tried our best!"

My grandfather died and I inherited some of his clothes.

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.

For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens o...

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I just got an e-mail saying "On the occasion of Prophet Muhammad's (PBUH) birthday, please be advised that office will be closed on Thursday,29th October 2020.."

So tempted to reply "Pics or it didn't happen".

I had my stag do in Amsterdam. To remember the occasion my mates got me a sweater.

I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, however.

Bread is a heroic food

It rises to the occasion when it's kneaded the most.

It is said when someone has an exceptional singing voice on rare occasions animals can actually be seen jumping for joy. I was skeptical but after today I believe it to be true.

As soon as I started singing my cat woke up and jumped for joy clean off my second story windowsill.

Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?

A curious child asked his mother: “Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?”

The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: “It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!”

The child replied innocently: “Now I know why grandmothe...

Why do pirates only eat corn on special occasions?

Arrrrr, cause' they cost a buccaneer

Batman has designed a tuxedo version of his crime fighting costume so he can attend formal occasions.

It's a class action suit.

What phrase is 5 words long, makes you a part of a secretly hated society, is as infective as a virus and stays in your memory forever, but is only mentioned on occasion?

“I just lost the game”

How many weight lifters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

8-12 of them on 3 separate occasions.

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This message is for those who appreciate the finer points of the English language

His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"

"Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and found a word the exact meaning of which I am not too certain."

...

We did it Reddit! For ONE GLORIOUS DAY, people of the world will put aside their differences! There'll be no hunger, no pain, no suffering! No war, no fighting! Peace will embrace us like a warm blanket! Sickness and disease will cease! So please welcome this momentous occasion....

February 30, 2021

A professor travels to Africa to live with a primitive tribe...

...and spends years with them, teaching them all about the wonders of science, mathematics, and formatting Reddit comments so they get the most upvotes. One day, the Chief's wife gives birth to... a white child!

The word spreads, and the entire tribe is in shock. The chief pulls the professo...

Do you know what my grandpa told me?

That he saw the Titanic and from the beginning,he warned all the people that the ship would sink but nobody listened to him.

He was a brave man. He did not give up. He warned them again and again on several occasions…>!until they kicked him out of the cinema.!<

My wife just put lipstick on. She only does this on special occasions...you know what's next fellas.....

We're going to church.

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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar, sits down and asks the bartender for a drink.

“What’s the occasion?” Asked the bartender

The man replies “I just found out my oldest son is gay.”

Bartender apologizes, the man downs his drink and leaves.

Same man comes in the next day.

“...

[META] r/Jokes keeps me going

I'm sorry if this is not allowed here but I had to share. I have a bunch of health issues, severe anxiety, and depression. I've on multiple occasions felt like giving up. Sometimes, no matter how much support you have it is difficult to keep going. That's where you guys come in. I read your jokes al...

"Have you ever cheated on me?"

An old married couple was sitting on a bench in a park. They have seen plenty of struggles and success in their long life together, and now were enjoying retirement.

"I have been faithful to you all these years, darling", the man continued, "I have sometimes wondered about your loyalty, but I...

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary, when...

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town, and on this special occasion, a local newspaper reporter paid them a visit. He inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well," explained the husband, "it all ...

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[NSF] even after 25 years of faithful marriage, i still have a very active life

and on rare occasions, my wife decide to join in

Bob and a few of his coworkers go out to lunch to celebrate Bob's birthday.

Bob, Tim, and Susan are sitting together in the booth when the waitress approaches. She hands them their menus and says, "Good afternoon fellas! Welcome to Ruby Taste Kitchen! Before we get started, might I ask if you're here to celebrate a special occasion?"

Susan pipes up, "It's Bob's birth...

Faithful Wife

On the occasion of their 50th Anniversary, a man asked his wife, "Honey, you have been with me through thick and thin, and gave me constant love and support, however I just have to know whether you have actually been faithful to me all this time."

To which the wife replies, "To be honest, I h...

No way Jose! Another? I can Harvey believe it. Irma find somewhere safer to live.

The local chicken shack changed its name in honor of the occasion. They're now Raisin HurriCanes.

A dude shops for a parrot

He’s stepping into a bird store and goes straight to a manager. Listen, he says, it’s a really special occasion and I’m looking for something extraordinary, money is not an issue. Oh, I have just a thing for you, says manager and leads him to a back room. There he shows three parrots and goes, the f...

What is a drill's favorite dance?

The Twist, but they also like de walts on occasion

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A man goes to confession ()

The man sits down and hears a voice:

Priest: "Tell me my child why are you here?"

Man: "I've done some terrible things and I'd like to ask for forgiveness."

Priest: "Go on my child."

Man: "I have taken the Lord's name in vain on multiple occasions, I stole money from my s...

The Irish Smuggler

There was a man who would cycle across the border between Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland every single day without fail carrying nothing but the clothes on his back.
The border guards stopped him every day, patted him down, searched his bike, deep thorough searches and never found ...

Feeling a bit depressed lately, a friend came over to cheer me up.

We sit and talk about things for awhile, but he's normally pretty awkward when conversation gets personal. Eventually, he gets up and walks to the other side of the room.

He grabs a bottle of scotch that I've been saving for a special occasion, so I ask him, "what are you doing? I don't thin...

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A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about . Can you explain it to me first?"

"Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison." And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey t...

My girlfriend got so it caught me completely off guard

On several separate occasions she dressed as a teacher, a doctor, a police officer, and as a prison guard. But it didn't prepare me for what came yesterday.

Because nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.

Juan, a prison warden, decided a group of sikhs (4 or 5 of them) should be released for good behaviour.

The occasion was mentioned in the newspaper: “Juan to free four, five sikhs”
I’ll be here all week.

Two Snowmen are in a field...

...and one turns to the other and says "Yeah, you're right, it DOES smell like carrots."

My favorite joke - short, hysterical, and perfect for any occasion.

I was chatting to a graphic designer about invitations for the baby’s christening.

“How about comic sans?” I said “Oh no” she scoffed, “for this occasion we’re gonna need a baptismal font”.

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A Co-Pilot's purpose...

Many years ago on a long Trans-Continental flight, an elderly lady asked if she could visit the cockpit. When she got up there, she found four crew.

She asked the first what he did, and he explained that he was the Navigator and his responsibilities were to keep the aircraft on its track acr...

Comdoms should be used

on ever conceivable occasion.

2 men walk into a bar

One of them shouts out "Everyone, drinks on me tonight." People are happy and they ask him what's the special occasion. He replies, me and my friend solved an extremely difficult puzzle in just 3 months. The people are like, "Damn that sure must have been an extremely hard puzzle." "You bet" says th...

Two years ago I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date... Today I asked her to marry me...

She said no on both occasions.

It's January 2nd and the First Officer on a cruiser is looking at the Captain's Log from the previous day.

He sees "January 1st: First Officer Simpkins arrived on the bridge drunk today" and he says to the captain, "Sir, I feel this log entry is a little unfair. True, I did see the New Year in with an extra tot, but nothing out of the ordinary for the occasion, and I was well capable of carrying out my d...

Why is Santa Claus always a man?

Because no woman will wear same dress year after year for same occasion.

There was a jungle tribe of people who lived entirely off the land...

They hunted and foraged, and built structures with wildgrasses and leaves. Most of the tribe was kind and giving, except for the one greedy old coot. He did not live modestly: full feasts when others were hungry, 2-story hut when the rest were 1, and the rarest dyes on all of his clothes. This old c...

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Glory!

In an old part of town there's an establishment often visited by a certain kind of people.

In addition to numerous items on display, the purpose of which is unusual but well known to those who frequent the place, there are a number of small booths arranged in pairs, each pair sharing a commo...

Why do men wear black to weddings as well as to funerals?

Because they loose a friend on both occasions.

Two blondes are at a bar celebrating

as soon as the drinks arrive, they give a quick toast, exclaiming **21** then turn up their glasses. The bartender thought this was odd, considering they both looked to be close to 30. Time passes, another round ordered, and other celebratory cheers stating **21**. The bartender again ignored them ...

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Little Bobby woke up early on Thanksgiving Morning

As he was putting on his clothes for the day, he heard a loud, "!" coming from the Kitchen.

Little Bobby rushed downstairs, to see his mother nursing a cut on her finger.

"Mom, what does '' mean?" asked little Bobby.

"It's a way of preparing the turkey for Thanksgiving."...

() Blind guy Jeffery

A woman was having a bath. Soon enough there was a knock on the door. She was still naked. She then shouts out, "Who is it?". "It's just me, Jeffery". Jeffery was the blind guy who lived next door. "No harm if I actually go up naked he can't see anything anyways" she thought to herself. She open...

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One day a teacher was in a coma.

One day a teacher was in a coma. He had to have a substitute take over his position for a while. The substitute was so annoying. He would always wear clothes with jokes on them. They were almost always the same jokes, occasionally with a minor difference. On very rare occasions, there would be new a...

The Pillsbury Doughboy didn’t make it very far in the baking competition.

He just couldn’t rise to the occasion

Just a regular day in the Pope's life

This beautiful morning, the Pope woke early, excited for today's ceremony. It was a special day, and the Vatican will probably be even more crowded than usual. Standing there on the balcony and speaking to such a great audience is the purest joy of the Pope, second only to his closeness to God.
<...

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A priest, his best friend, and a nun go fishing.

They're out in the friend's boat and the priest gets a big fish on the line but it gets away. "Sunofabitch got away!" says the priest. The nun was shocked and said, "Oh Father!" The friend, thinking quickly, says, "Oh, no Sister, he wasn't swearing. That's what kind of fish these are, sunofabitchin'...

Nine married Ten and Ten got pregnant...

Six and Eight congratuled the couple for the great news and they all celebrated the happy occasion.

Seven however was not happy about this, it wanted Nine for itself and decided to kill Ten.

Weeks later, as Ten and Nine were discussing a name for the baby, Seven see...

A man wakes up after a long night of drinking.

He goes down to his kitchen and sees his wife with a big grin and humming cheerfully to herself. She prepares a massive breakfast full of the man's favorite foods. She gives him a kiss and heads upstairs to change for work. The man is extremely confused as he had no idea what the occasion was. He lo...

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