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Why do dick jokes work on every occasion?

Because they can fit anywhere

Some say cake is for special occasions

I say it is for exploiting the reddit community for upvotes!

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A rural farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing do...

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To commemorate the occasion with a Japanese wine I decided to go down to the cellar

for old time's sake

Judge: “It is stated here that on six occasions, you broke into the boutique.”

Man: “Yes my Lord.”

Judge: “How many clothes did you steal?”

Man: “One dress.”

Judge: “You broke into the boutique six times but stole only one dress?”

Man: “My wife didn't like the first five.”

We did it Reddit! For ONE GLORIOUS DAY, people of the world will put aside their differences! There'll be no hunger, no pain, no suffering! No war, no fighting! Peace will embrace us like a warm blanket! Sickness and disease will cease! So please welcome this momentous occasion....

February 30, 2021

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I just got an e-mail saying "On the occasion of Prophet Muhammad's (PBUH) birthday, please be advised that xxx office will be closed on Thursday,29th October 2020.."

So tempted to reply "Pics or it didn't happen".

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The brunette thinks "I bet that di...

Kobe Bryant's death was an important and historic occasion.

It marked the first time he's passed in years.

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A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"


To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his<...

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A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots of whisky

He gulps them down quickly.

Bartender asks "What's the occasion?"

Guy replies "First blowjob"

Bartender "Wow, can I buy you another?"

Guy retorts "No, if 3 don't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will"

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A man goes to confession (NSFW)

The man sits down and hears a voice:

Priest: "Tell me my child why are you here?"

Man: "I've done some terrible things and I'd like to ask for forgiveness."

Priest: "Go on my child."

Man: "I have taken the Lord's name in vain on multiple occasions, I stole money from my s...

On the occasion of Teachers Day, I called all my teachers and told them, "Everything I am today, it is because of you all."

They said, "don't blame us, we tried our best!"

It is said when someone has an exceptional singing voice on rare occasions animals can actually be seen jumping for joy. I was skeptical but after today I believe it to be true.

As soon as I started singing my cat woke up and jumped for joy clean off my second story windowsill.

A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.

They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, “Rest in Peace.”

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather...

What phrase is 5 words long, makes you a part of a secretly hated society, is as infective as a virus and stays in your memory forever, but is only mentioned on occasion?

“I just lost the game”

Batman has designed a tuxedo version of his crime fighting costume so he can attend formal occasions.

It's a class action suit.

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A man went to the doctor to inquire about options for penis enlargement...

"Doc," he said, "you've got to help me. My penis is miniscule. It always has been. The other boys used to make fun of me in the locker room, girls I dated would laugh at me as soon as we got to the bedroom... I experienced nothing but humiliation my whole life, until I met my wife, god bless her. Sh...

I have only one rule when it comes to attire

I dress to meet the bare minimum standards that any given occasion dictates.

I call it...

Occam's Blazer.

Bob and a few of his co-workers go out to lunch to celebrate Bob's birthday.

Bob, Tim, and Susan are sitting together in the booth when the waitress approaches. She hands them their menus and says "Good afternoon fellas! Welcome to Ruby Taste Kitchen! Before we get started, might I ask if you're here to celebrate a special occasion?" Susan pipes up "It's Bob's birthday!" "Oh...

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An Irish man loved his golf, but he was a terrible golfer, it would seem, as he often found himself hunting for his balls in the woods

on one such occasion, he happened upon a leprechaun. whom it would appear he had accidently hit with his errant shot.

Gently shaking him awake, he asks "Are you ok?"

"Aye, you show such kindness to me. I will grant ye three wishes."


"T'is OK, I am already blessed enough...

[META] r/Jokes keeps me going

I'm sorry if this is not allowed here but I had to share. I have a bunch of health issues, severe anxiety, and depression. I've on multiple occasions felt like giving up. Sometimes, no matter how much support you have it is difficult to keep going. That's where you guys come in. I read your jokes al...

It's January 2nd and the First Officer on a cruiser is looking at the Captain's Log from the previous day.

He sees "January 1st: First Officer Simpkins arrived on the bridge drunk today" and he says to the captain, "Sir, I feel this log entry is a little unfair. True, I did see the New Year in with an extra tot, but nothing out of the ordinary for the occasion, and I was well capable of carrying out my d...

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There lived a King who had a beautiful wife.. (NSFW)

On an important occasion, he had to leave his kingdom to meet another king! Since his wife was young and beautiful, he was worried that he may cheat on him with someone in his palace. So before leaving the kingdom, he slathered poison on his wife's tits.


The King returned after a couple o...

When is the best occasion to wear a gravestone marker hat?

When your hair is dyed

I only ever drink on 2 occasions. Christmas

and not Christmas

Why do pirates only eat corn on special occasions?

Arrrrr, cause' they cost a buccaneer

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A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison." And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey t...

What is a drill's favorite dance?

The Twist, but they also like de walts on occasion

Poor Dave ...

Poor Dave had spent his life making wrong decisions. If he bet on a horse, it would lose. If he chose one elevator rather than another, it was the one he chose that stalled between floors. The line he picked before the bank teller's cage never moved. And so it went, day after day, year after year. T...

The first mate on a ship decided to celebrate an occasion with a "little" stowed away rum.

Unfortunately he got drunk and was still drunk the next morning. The captain saw him drunk and when the first mate was sober, showed him the following entry in the ship's log: "The first mate was drunk today."

"Captain please don't let that stay in the log," the mate said. "This could add mo...

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My classic blasphemy joke in honor of the occasion...

A priest, a pedophile and a rapist walk into a bar.

He sits down and orders a drink.

I was chatting to a graphic designer about invitations for the baby’s christening.

“How about comic sans?” I said “Oh no” she scoffed, “for this occasion we’re gonna need a baptismal font”.

A Group of Guys Were All Turning 30...

A group of guys were all turning 30, so they decided to go somewhere and celebrate. After some discussion, they finally settled on TJ's Tavern over in Summersville, because the prices were good and it stayed open late.

Ten years later, they were all turning 40, and they thought it might be fu...

A group is getting ready for their annual costume contest

It’s the biggest group costume contest in their small city and they’ve rented out the high school’s stage for the occasion. A team dressing as a sandwich is preparing to go on when the lettuce gets very nervous.

The lettuce turns to the tomato and says “I don’t think I can do this.” The toma...

I only drink on special occasions...

Luckily for me, I just broke my record for consecutive days alive today

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A man walks into a bar..

A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots of whiskey.

The bartender obliges, and the man takes 1 shot, 2 shots and 3 shots, no problem.

Impressed, the bartender inquires "What's the occasion for the 3 shots?"

The man replies, "I'm celebrating my first blowjob."

Being the ...

Mario was sick of jumping around all day

He felt like he should be more politically involved. A few weeks ago, his friend Toad helped him set up a TV (mostly for watching trashy reality shows), but Mario became obsessed with US news networks. CNN, Fox News, MSNBC, you name it. He had heard before of American democracy, and found it prefera...

Just a regular day in the Pope's life

This beautiful morning, the Pope woke early, excited for today's ceremony. It was a special day, and the Vatican will probably be even more crowded than usual. Standing there on the balcony and speaking to such a great audience is the purest joy of the Pope, second only to his closeness to God.
<...

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Jimmy Carter, a president, invited Leonid Brezhnev to the White House for an evening of the usual state activities.

As part of the entertainment, Carter invited Brezhnev to sit down at the official White House piano and play a dirge of the Volga or the Fall of Leningrad. As Brezhnev sat down to play, he could not help but notice a red button at the end of the keyboard.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, he...

Steve likes Flowers

Every week, he goes to a different florist in his city, and buys a different kind of flower, trying to find what looks and smells best. On this occasion, however, he struggles to find one that fits his vibe for the week. Seeing his struggle, the young florist walks up.

"Hi!" She says with a ...

Old married couple

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said,

"Betty,soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know.

In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"


Bet...

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A bloke walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of tequila.

He downs them one after the other, slamming the glasses on the bar.

"Never seen anyone do that before, is it a special occasion?" asked the barman.

"Yeah" answered the bloke. "First blowjob today."

"Congrats" said the barman. "Have another one on the house."

"No thanks" r...

I saw my old friend enter the bar

I saw my old friend enter the bar after 2 long years. Ever since he got married he hasnt shown his face around here so i was quite surprised to see him again. I asked him whats the occasion and he responded:

“So my wife actually banned me from going here, she says that she doesnt like my frie...

I had my stag do in Amsterdam. To remember the occasion my mates got me a sweater.

I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, however.

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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar, sits down and asks the bartender for a drink.

“What’s the occasion?” Asked the bartender

The man replies “I just found out my oldest son is gay.”

Bartender apologizes, the man downs his drink and leaves.

Same man comes in the next day.

...

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Did you know Donald Trump has a different hairpiece for each occasion?

He even has toupé for sex.

A kid goes off to the army and comes back home after basic training.

He's having a chat with his dad about his experience, telling him how it went.

"So the first thing they do was have me run 15 miles. It was brutal. I had to have my fatigues on and carry my provisions. The drill sergeant said if we didn't do that we had to run 30 Miles the next day."

"...

I strongly believe women are like fine wine.

They should be kept in a dark cellar and only brought out for special occasions.

My wife just put lipstick on. She only does this on special occasions...you know what's next fellas.....

We're going to church.

After my grandfather died, I inherited some of his clothes.

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.

For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on...

My career’s in ruins!

A man walks into a bar and finds its patrons raucously celebrating with a young man standing on the bar shouting for more drinks, on him.

He walks up to the bar and shouts to the young man, “What’s the occasion?”

“My career’s in ruins!” the lad cackles.

The man, shocked, replies...

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An old man dies and gets to heaven....

At the gates, St. Peter tells him "you did well, but you were unfaithful to your wife on many different occasions."

The man new this was true and said "I'm sorry and I'll accept any consequences given to me."

St. Peter said "for this, you'll be given a smokey old Ford to ride, in heave...

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Little Bobby woke up early on Thanksgiving Morning

As he was putting on his clothes for the day, he heard a loud, "FUCK!" coming from the Kitchen.



Little Bobby rushed downstairs, to see his mother nursing a cut on her finger.



"Mom, what does 'Fuck' mean?" asked little Bobby.



"It's a way of preparing the t...

A rookie comedian asks an experienced comedian how he manages to cater his jokes toward his audience.

The comedian gives the newcomer a slip of paper with a website url. “This is a forum for comedians where they trade jokes. It’s perfect to find the right joke for the right occasion.”

So just before his first gig at a tailors convention, he looks up “jokes for tailors” on the forum. He manage...

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Man goes to a doctor...

A husband is convinced by his wife to go to the doctor after he starts having performance issues in the bedroom. The wife drops the husband off at the doctor's office since they were informed that the tests would take awhile to receive back the results. After the battery of questions and tests, th...

Why do men wear black to weddings as well as to funerals?

Because they loose a friend on both occasions.

2 men walk into a bar

One of them shouts out "Everyone, drinks on me tonight." People are happy and they ask him what's the special occasion. He replies, me and my friend solved an extremely difficult puzzle in just 3 months. The people are like, "Damn that sure must have been an extremely hard puzzle." "You bet" says th...

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A man called James Woodling dies

His family and friends send out letters to dress for the occasion.
The next week the funeral starts everyone is sad and distraught but one person isn’t there his best friend Dave, suddenly there’s a shout from over the hill.
It’s Dave but he’s wearing an inflatable penis costume.
James’s mo...

Elephants never forget...

There was a boy who grew up in India with his father, a diplomat. When he was almost nine, he used to run away from his tutor and go to walk through the forests. On one such occasion, he heard a strange noise and veered off the path to investigate. He saw a young elephant, lying on the ground, appar...

Once upon a time there was a great wizard.

His name was Theaddus.

He had helped solve many people's problems.
People rewarded him for his help.
With all this money he had bought many talking items to spend his time with.

On one of his trips he had found the perfect item for a loner like him. A staff made of fir.

It...

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a young man walks into a bar

A young man walks into a bar and asks for 10 shots of his cheapest whiskey.

As the bar tender is lining up the shot glasses and is pouring "what's the occasion"?

The young man replied "I just experienced my first blow job".

"So you celebrating"? asked the bar tender.

No.....

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A doctor and a patient at a plastic surgery clinic.

Patient: "I heard doctors put up random stuff to make their work seem more complicated."

Doctor: "That's true to a degree. Some of the stuff in this room are just for show."

Patient looks around the room pointing at a thermometer: "Do you use that?"

Doctor: "Not really."

...

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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender to line him up 10 shots of his strongest liquor on the counter.

The man proceeds to down all 10 shots in a matter of minutes. The bartender asks him “what’s the special occasion” and the guy responds “I just got my first blowjob”. The bartender responds “congrats, here have a shot on the house”. The guy says “no thanks, if 10 shots won’t get the taste out of my ...

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Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife

Very Long Read:

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversa...

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"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

Nine married Ten and Ten got pregnant...

Six and Eight congratuled the couple for the great news and they all celebrated the happy occasion.



Seven however was not happy about this, it wanted Nine for itself and decided to kill Ten.




Weeks later, as Ten and Nine were discussing a name for the baby, Seven see...

Two years ago I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date... Today I asked her to marry me...

She said no on both occasions.

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Three kingdoms border a lake in the shape of an obtuse triangle

One kingdom lies on each side of the lake. For decades, the king's had argued over it's true owner, each claiming to be the first kingdom to settle there, and many tales of magical swords and godly favours to claim divine right. Eventually, this storytelling and legal battling came to no conclusion,...

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A man walks into a bar and orders nine shots

The bartender apprehensive asks, "whats the occasion?"

The man mumbles, "first blowjob."

The bartender brightens up and pours nine shots and lays them out.

The man downs all nine in a row.

The bartender still smiling says, "hey, make it an even ten. On the house."

...

Comdoms should be used

on ever conceivable occasion.

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Pope taking a shower!

The Pope was having a shower and although he's very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed to exercise the papal wrist, and this happened to be one of those occasions. Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy semen flying through the air...

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A priest is being honored at his retirement dinner...

A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the
dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words w...

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[NSFW] [Long] His first blowjob

A guy walks into a bar and orders a bottle of "the strong stuff". Bartender grabs a bottle of rum off the top shelf and says, "This is some rather expensive stuff. What's the occasion?" Man replies with three words, "My first blowjob."

The bartender exclaims with excitement, "Oh, congratulati...

Juan, a prison warden, decided a group of sikhs (4 or 5 of them) should be released for good behaviour.

The occasion was mentioned in the newspaper: “Juan to free four, five sikhs”
I’ll be here all week.

"Have you ever cheated on me?"

An old married couple was sitting on a bench in a park. They have seen plenty of struggles and success in their long life together, and now were enjoying retirement.

"I have been faithful to you all these years, darling", the man continued, "I have sometimes wondered about your loyalty, but I...

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What’s a prostitute?

A family of a mother, father and an 8 year old daughter were planning on going on a camping trip so for the occasion the father orders a story book to tell stories around the camp fire.
When they get to the camp he opens up the book by the fire and begins to read:
“Stacy was a prostitute looki...

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3 Stages Of Sex in Marriage

Stage 1 - Honeymoon Sex - you have just gotten married and you two have sex constantly.

Stage 2 - Birthday Sex - you have been married a while and now only have sex on Holidays and Special Occasions.

Stage 3 - Hallway Sex - after a long time being married when you two pass each other...

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A husband hires a private detective to find out if his wife is cheating on him.

The detective reports back and says he discovered, unfortunately, that she is.

"What happened?" asks the husband

"She went to a hotel and waited in the bar area. On three different occasions men came up to her, handed her $50 and she would give them a key. 5 minutes later she would dis...

A man wakes up after a long night of drinking.

He goes down to his kitchen and sees his wife with a big grin and humming cheerfully to herself. She prepares a massive breakfast full of the man's favorite foods. She gives him a kiss and heads upstairs to change for work. The man is extremely confused as he had no idea what the occasion was. He lo...

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RIP

One night, Joe brought home a dozen red roses to his wife. “How lovely, dear,” she said, “what’s the occasion?”
“I want to make love to you,” he said simply.
“Not tonight, dear. I have a headache.”

The next night Joe came home with a big box of chocolates and explained that he wa...

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The Terrible Legend of Bahuda

Three explorers are making their way through a one of those generic jungles that always shows up in these sorts of jokes, when they are suddenly ambushed by a tribe of massive cannibals. (That's "massive" in the sense that they are very large, although they are also particularly passionate about eat...

My girlfriend got so kinky it caught me completely off guard

On several separate occasions she dressed as a teacher, a doctor, a police officer, and as a prison guard. But it didn't prepare me for what came yesterday.

Because nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.

Back when I was in high school, I worked at a grocery store as a stockboy.

One of the "long time fixtures" there was a homeless guy who would sit outside and ask for change. He was there every day, from opening of the store until closing, without fail.

Several months after I started, the owner decided to go in a new direction with the store and wanted to increase wo...

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lucky mailman

after 20 years on the job the local postman is about to retire and on this last scheduled delivery run he finds himself beset with thankful friends and neighbours, all of whom show their appreciation of his years of service. loaded down with gift baskets, wine, flowers and thank you cards he reaches...

Hairstyle Competition

Hello, my name is John and I would like to tell you about the time I entered a hairstyle competition. You see, I have always loved trying out different hairstyles and colors. It is something I have put great effort into!

It was about February of last year that the idea of entering a hairstyle...

Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?

A curious child asked his mother: “Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?”

The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: “It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!”

The child replied innocently: “Now I know why grandmothe...

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In honor of Talk Like a Pirate Day

Here's my favorite pirate joke:

When I was 17, I went on a class trip to a beach but I snuck away to explore on my own. I went into this bar. It had nautical stuff on the wall, a bunch of shark jaws, but also streamers and balloons about the place. It looked like there was a party going on. ...

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This message is for those who appreciate the finer points of the English language

His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"

"Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and found a word the exact meaning of which I am not too certain."


...

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary, when...

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town, and on this special occasion, a local newspaper reporter paid them a visit. He inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well," explained the husband, "it all ...

My grandfather told me that he saw the Titanic

And that from the beginning he warned all the people that the ship would sink, but nobody listened to him.

He was a brave man. He did not give up. He warned them again and again on several occasions.... until they kicked him out of the cinema.

A widow at a funeral

The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he's in his brown suit. She'd specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the mortic...

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A Man Walks into a Bar

He walks up to the bar and stands there. "One shot of whiskey, my good man!"

"You're in a jolly mood today. What's the occasion?" Asks the bartender.

"Well, I just tried anal for the first time with my wife!" The patron exclaims.

"Hell, the first one is on me then, have a seat!"...

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A Co-Pilot's purpose...

Many years ago on a long Trans-Continental flight, an elderly lady asked if she could visit the cockpit. When she got up there, she found four crew.

She asked the first what he did, and he explained that he was the Navigator and his responsibilities were to keep the aircraft on its track acr...

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A man is in bed with his Thai girlfriend.

A man is in bed with his Thai girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his penis, something she had lovingly done on many occasions.
Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her, 'Why do you love doing that?'
She replies: 'Because I really miss mine'

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A man walks into a bar and takes a seat on one of the stools. The bartender looks at him and asks him what he'd like to drink. The man orders four shots of whiskey for himself.

The bartender looks at the man and says, "Four shots for yourself? What's the special occasion?", to which the man replies, "First blowjob." The bartender puts on a congratulatory smile and pats the man on the shoulder and says he'll give him a fifth shot on the house. To which the man says, "No tha...

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A guy walks into a bar and orders six Jägermeister shots

The bartender asks him if it's a special occasion?
The guy answers "Yes, my very first blowjob".
The bartender gets excited and says "Congratulations, I'll give you the seventh shot on the house".
The guy answers "Nah, if six Jäger shots isn't enough to get rid of the taste, the seventh won...

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Nude beach

A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.

After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be rea...

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching.

Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same...

A new emerging rock band is having its first concert

To be sure that everything goes perfectly the group's manager decides to invite a well known concert critic: If he decided to come and the concert went well, that would've been their occasion to take off in the world of music

Incredibly the critic accepts their offering and is present in his ...

Old farmer Joe is checking on his chickens

He notices that one of his chickens, Betty, is producing more eggs than any other chicken on the farm. What’s even more interesting is that they all look identical: same little freckle on the top, same patterns, even exactly the same colour! “This really is unusual,” he exclaims, and decides to inve...

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3 female friends sit down for coffee...

One of them starts talking about her recent sex-scapades with her husband:

"Well girls, last night when Andy came back from work he looked really tired, so I told him to go have a cold shower and I'd take care of him. When he goes to the bathroom, I wore my sexiest lingerie and laid down on t...

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I got this one from the 2012 film 'Lincoln'

Ethan Allen was a Revolutionary War hero who had occasion to visit England shortly after peace was declared. During this trip, Allen’s British hosts pelted him with jokes about Americans and General Washington in particular and one day they got a picture of General Washington which was conspicuously...

The Test

After about 1.8 trillion times a planet circled their star, the life-forms that evolved there launched a small craft with an artificial likeness of themselves into orbit. It was done to show that they could and because it amused them. Years later, after they made their planet uninhabitable, they lef...

A professor travels to Africa to live with a primitive tribe...

...and spends years with them, teaching them all about the wonders of science, mathematics, and formatting Reddit comments so they get the most upvotes. One day, the Chief's wife gives birth to... a white child!

The word spreads, and the entire tribe is in shock. The chief pulls the professo...

[NSFW] A teenager walks to a pharmacy one evening...

...and picks out a box of condoms to buy. Taking it to the register, the man behind the counter asked the teenager, "For what occasion?"

"I'm finally gonna bang my girlfriend tonight." The teenager said.

The man behind the register asked no more questions then bagged up the box of cond...

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