UPJOKE
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In an effort to provide a calmer and more peaceful experience, Mark Zuckerberg is renaming and reformatting Facebook...

He's going to call it: Metastasis.

In an effort to raise funds a children's amputee charity have joined together with the local vampire hunters and bakers to sell baked goods to raise much needed funds.

They'll be selling stake and kidknee pies.

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A friend once told me he enjoyed masturbating in front of other people. When I told him I couldn't relate, he made a real effort to help me understand...



...and now I can see where he's coming from.

Let's all take a moment to Thank Amber Heard's team of Lawyers for their efforts and hard work

to prove Johnny Depp's innocence.

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International womens day is not an excuse for low effort sexist jokes.

Period.

A man buys a paint factory in a small town.

He visits the local volunteer fire department to see for himself if they'd be able to handle a fire at his plant. What he finds convinces him they could not...the whole fire department consists of one old pumper truck and a bunch of volunteers he finds less than reliable. He tells them "Boys, I'm so...

You know who opposes Matthew Mcconaughey's gun control efforts?

The alt-right, alt-right, alt-right!

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Donald Trump was asked " what is 2+2"??

"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, 'Sir!, What's 2+2?' And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Ad...

Who has 2 thumbs and wants a lot of awards for no effort?

That would be me.

Love you all, have a terrific day!

A young baker buys a shop

He is very excited as this is his first venture since qualifying. He sells ok on everyday items like bread, but runs into trouble with his 'special items'. One day he makes beautiful cakes, however his customers only want pastries that day. So the next day he makes pastries, but now they want muffin...

I dreamed this joke

Seems quite strange, but in my dream I came up with this joke, and upon waking it actually makes sense as a joke to my great surprise. Usually when you have flashes of inspiration in a dream you wake up and realise it made absolutely zero sense.

Here's the joke.

Two horses were best ...

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, come i...

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An Octopus in the Highlands

One lovely evening in the Scottish Highlands, a lad walked into a local pub with his octopus in tow. There was a general start in the otherwise subdued and cozy establishment. The lad takes a seat at the bar, props his octopus in the seat next to him, and proclaims for all to hear:

“I hereby ...

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The old man and the blond

An 80 year old Oil billionaire and a 25-year-old blonde runway model are getting married today.

In an effort to prove that she wasn’t out for the old man’s money, she asked her husband to arrange for separate honeymoon suites.

This way after the marriage was consummated, he could go b...

In an effort to bridge the cultural gap with my Hispanic friends, I’ve been saying “muchos” a lot more recently

It means a lot to them

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each...

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of th...

A blonde and an alligator

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of real alligator shoes in the worst way, but she didn't want to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde ...

How can you tell a post on Reddit is high effort?

Simple, just look for the "0 Comments" under it

Gynecologist appointment

A woman has an appointment with her gynecologist, but oversleeps and wakes up 30 minutes before her morning appointment.

She has to drop her daughter at school first, so she runs to the bathroom and quickly wipes her neither regions with a flannel lying on the side of the bath and runs out th...

Knock knock. Who's there?

THE DOOR! (Low effort)

I heard the Toronto Maple Leafs now have the milk board as their sponsor.

Now they only have to put in 2% of the effort.

A British General and his Men

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.

Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General’s office.

“Since we weren’t actuall...

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Kids Banging on Bins

Everyday this old gentleman would be waken by some local kids banging on some trash bins in the alley outside his house and yelling.

One day the old gentleman went out and said "I really love your youthful energy and joy you bring here - I am so entertained by you all! here, let me pay you e...

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Once a Bright and Intelligent young man went for interview.There he was asked...

Q 1. When did your country got Independence?

He answered - The efforts started long back; but could succeed in 1928.

Q 2. Who were the persons, who played important role in this fight for Independence?

Answer - There are many people, who were involved and contributed in this. If...

A guy starts working at a bakery

He's handed his rota and his eyes lighten up: "Great, it's dinner-roll day!". The supervisor is puzzled to see such enthusiasm for so mundane a task as baking dinner rolls, but sure enough, the new guy goes to it with zest and panache and is soon turning out dinner rolls the like of which the superv...

I spent a lot of time, money, and effort! child proofing my house.

but the kids still get in!

In an effort to play every famous person in the world, Tom Hanks has taken a new role

In his ongoing effort to play every white man of any worthy note, Tom Hanks has be cast as Tom Hanks in his upcoming biopic

The faithfull Husband

The Husband comes home with new vacuum cleaner, the kind his wife really wanted. His wife gets suspicious and asks him where he got it from?

He answers:” Remember that shop we went last week, where we saw this vacuum and this sweet lady helped us out and showed us everything about it but we ...

Trump made an effort to list certain areas as "no-fly" zones.

Looks like he missed Pence's head.

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A dying man's last wish

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom...

An old woman and her birthday gifts

An old woman had three sons. Two were rich and the other was poor. This woman's 90th birthday was coming up and this depressed the poorer son as he knew he could never match his brothers gifts in terms of expense or splendour.

However, he didn't give up and thought of gift she would really l...

What do you call someone who livestreams their effort to overthrow a government?

An exseditionist

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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

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Two Jewish newlyweds have just finished having sex.

The wife sashays naked to the bathroom, but the husband soon hears a shout for help. When he comes in he finds his wife has sat in the toilet with the seat up and gotten stuck. Despite his best efforts the husband can't his wife out and goes to ring an emergency plumber.

His wife shouts, "...

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I used to bartend for this popular place off a rural highway in my state…

I used to bartend for this popular place off a rural highway in my state. It marketed itself as a tavern, to get tourists to come in and buy a bite to eat, but the locals knew it by the name of the former owner, Pete.

Pete had died a few years before I started working there. His younger broth...

So my PE teacher asked me what's a sign that your heart made intense effort?

"A sharp pain in your left arm"

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A Finnish and a Japanese company decided to organize an annual rowing competition with 8-man teams.

A Finnish and a Japanese company decided to organize an annual rowing competition with 8-man teams. Both teams trained long and hard. When race day came, both teams thought they were in top shape, but the Japanese won by far in the mile.

After the defeat, a defeatist mood prevailed among the ...

If I'm going to go to all the effort of remembering you have a baby you could at least have the common decency...

...to still have a baby when I see you several years later.

Flying

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a c...

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In an effort to determine the top crime fighting agency in the country, the President narrowed the field to three finalists, the CIA, the FBI, and the N.Y.P.D. The three remaining contenders were given the task of catching a rabbit which was released into the forest.

The CIA went into the forest. They placed animal informants throughout. They questioned all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation they concluded that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI went into the forest. After two weeks without a capture, they burned the for...

It takes more effort to order a pizza than have a child

Have you ever ordered a pizza by accident?

The take a penny, leave a penny trays in businesses are a great idea that obviously makes things easier for customers and merchants alike by saving time and effort for all.

It's common cents.

In my efforts to come up with a unique style of music, I tried to mesh together the elements of Jazz and Funk.

But it just sounded like junk.

A few minutes before the services started, the towns people were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

A few minutes before the services started, the towns people were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon ev...

The churches in town were all suffering from a squirrel problem.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they certainly should not interfere with God’s will.

 
At the Baptist church, the squirre...

I never click on these, because the punchline is rarely worth the effort.

Told you

I haven't cut my hair in a long time. Initially, when it started getting a bit long, it was irritating and I doubted whether it was worth the effort. But lately it's not been so much of a hassle anymore. Maybe long hair isn't so bad after all...

Seems like it's growing on me.

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NSFW Egyptian Joke about a rat, a lion, and a lioness

One day, a rat came across a lion and his lioness, then said "Fuck you, Lion!". The lion stayed calm and the lioness asked him "Won't you kick his ass up ?!".
"He's a just a stupid rat and doesn't worth the effort" The lion replied.

The very next day, the rat came across the lion and the ...

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An agent of the CIA named Charles Dick goes missing after investigating a cartel in Mexico...

After a few days, another agent is sent to find out what happened to him, and after much effort the agent makes contact with one of the cartel's leaders


"What can you tell us about Charles?" the agent asks.
The leader replies, "We have Señor Dick."

Startled, the agent fasten...

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

2 people came up to me and dislocated my finger,

It was a joint effort.

Oh Jesus!

Little Bobby was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything... tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Bobby down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
...

Found a sweet little thing walking the streets last night so I offered her a ride home, got her some dinner and got laid for my effort.

Still not sure whose dog this is though...

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The firefighter and the little girl

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her ca...

I did everything I could to get my wife to make love to me. At least I know I gave it my best effort. . .

Before hand.

In an effort to develop the World's first, true hover car...

.. scientists worked tirelessly.


(credit u/Merri)

A man finds a well in the desert...

As he can't see how deep it is or if there's any water in it, he decides to drop something down the hole and rely on the sounds it will make. But all he can find that isn't sand, is a large and quite heavy rectangular block of stone.
With great effort he pushes the big stone to the well and fin...

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The Nazis really wasted so much money and effort on a racist motive which made no sense

It truly was a hollow cost

Some person starts working at a bakery.

(not my joke)

His first day is Monday. Upon entering, he hears that today is doughnut day. He dances with joy, and starts baking doughnuts like a madman. The manager tastes the doughnuts, and they are the best of the best doughnuts you would have ever tasted. His enthusiasm lasts for the enti...

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A marine hero gets back home and the president grants him one wish for his effort

The president said that he would fulfill any wish the hero marine asked for.
"I want 50$ for every inch from the tip of my penis to my balls"- said the marine.
The president, a bit surprised, accepted.
They started measuring him and saw that he has no balls.
"Where are your balls?"- they...

A man sat in the pub.

He had been there all day from 3 onwards. As sunset was approaching he was still there. Midnight was closing time so the bartender asked him to leave.

The man, now very, very drunk from a day of non-stop drinking, stood up and fell over flat on his face. He tried standing up again, once agai...

Because the government can't seem to get out their own way and are actively hindering relief efforts, evangelicals have a point still going to church

Only God can help them now

Smart kid

A young, attractive first-year teacher was standing at the front of her class presenting a lesson to her fifth graders when she noticed Mikey wasn't paying attention. In an effort to engage him, she called on him and asked him a simple math question, "If there are three rabbits in the yard and you s...

China recently tried to gain favor with the rest of the world by releasing a video of all their native bears, standing in a big circle, to show their repopulation and conservation efforts. Some people thought it was great.

I think it was just panda ring.

I put as much effort into life...

As the guy who named the sleeping bag

Devastated. A very sad day today. After seven years of training in the medical fields and hard work, a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his clients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money...

A genuinely nice guy and an absolutely brilliant mortician.

Stuttering Bible Salesman

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who wo...

There was an elderly man whose efforts to get his young wife pregnant had failed.

So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done.

The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day.

The elderly man came back the next day with an empty specimen cup.

The doctor asked, "What was the problem?"

The elderly man ...

A short fortune teller committed a crime, and the police put almost no effort into catching her

Headlines the next day read: Small medium largely ignored.

I showed a high effort meme I made the other day to my father.

He responded with "High effort, I'm dad!"

"The 12 boys stranded in a flooded cave system in Thailand have started diving lessons in the latest step in efforts to bring them out alive."

I think they've hired Neymar.

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My Pope joke effort

Tried to buy some of the second hand stuff the Pope's selling on Vatican eBay but the payment service is down. Fucking Papal.

Did ABC purposefully mix up the Best Picture announcement in an effort to drive ratings?

After some careful research I've found nearly everybody on that stage to be a paid actor!

I’m tired of all these jokes about Russia

It’s time you all Putin a bit more effort

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Being sexist is easy. Learning to be respectful takes a long commitment and solid effort.

That's what she said.

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The accommodating wife

A woman complains to her friend that her husband is losing interest in sex, and he prefers nights out with the lads to the joys of copulation. Her friend tells her that to win his love she must make more effort. She advises her to cook a slap-up meal and then send him drinking with his pals down the...

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