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On The Way Jokes

A pastor was on his way home from an oil change. On the way, he decided to stop at a church member's house.

After ringing the doorbell the pastor was sure that he saw movement inside the house. He rung the doorbell again, and the pastor noticed someone moving quickly from one room to another. The pastor whipped out a "Several Steps to Becoming a Christian" pamphlet, and quickly scrawled on it 'Revelation ...

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Three inmates on the way to prison…

Three inmates were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended t...

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A woman was on the way to winning $100,000 on a game show, but her final question was suspended for the next night.

Her husband sneaked into the studio and found the question and answer. He raced home and told his wife "Your question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy', and the answer is 'The head, heart and penis.'

The woman thinks about this throughout the night, but keeps forgettin...

I told my wife I saw an alien on the way to work this morning

She said “how do you know it’s on its way to work?”

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A dyslexic boy is on his way home from training with his mam...."Can we stop at McDonald's mam? I'm starving" the boy asks. "If you can spell McDonald's we will stop on the way home ofcourse son" The boy pauses, composes himself and begins "M" "C" He begins to struggle....

"Ah fuck it mam let's have a KCF"

I phoned the wife earlier and asked if she wanted me to pick up Fish and Chips on the way home, but she just grunted at me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"

He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathb...

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"


The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."


"That's a great idea!" sa...

On the way to his office..

a man walks past a mental asylum surrounded by wooden walls. As he walks past, he can hear the patients chant: "16! 16! 16! 16!"

He was so curious about the chant that he tried to look for a hole on the wall to peer into. He finally found one and he peered his eye into it only to be poked by ...

A young couple dies in a car wreck on the way to their wedding.

They arrive in heaven where they are welcomed by Saint Peter. Before they are admitted to heaven they ask if they can get married in heaven.

Peter scratches his chin. “Hmm, I’m not sure. Let me find out.” He goes into heaven to find someone who might know.

Well he’s gone for a very lon...

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I got hit by a rental car on the way to work yesterday

Fucking Hertz.

I rang the wife last night after work to say I'd pick up fish and chips on the way home.

I was met with a stoney silence. Something tells me that she's beginning to regret letting me name the twins.

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Guy walks into a bar with a box under his arm, sets it on the bartop and orders a beer. Curious, the bartender asks about the box and the man replies 'it's my pet octopus. He just got done teaching music lessons so I stopped in for a drink on the way home.'

Bartender doesn't believe it and asks for proof.
"Sure," the man says. "bring me any instrument, and this octopus will play it beautifully."

Bartender produces several instruments from behind the bar, and the man opens up the box, sets the octopus on the bar and it immediately begins playi...

A blonde was driving on the way to disneyland.

She came to an intersection and stopped, she saw a sign that read, 'Disneyland Left'. So she pulled a U-turn, cried and drove home.

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A couples dies in a car crash on the way to their wedding...

...they both end up in front of God, who welcomes them in Paradise.
- "Hello my children, it's a terrible thing that such a tragedy happened to you, but now you will be in a blissful happiness here, and forever !"
- "Well, the man responds, we would really like to get married anyway...is i...

I was rear-ended on the way to work today...

I couldn't sit down for hours

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A shipment of Viagra was hijacked on the way to the depot.

The police have warned the public to be on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.

I called my wife and told her that I'll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.

She still regrets letting me name the kids.

Guess who I bumped into on the way to the eye doctor

Everyone

A tourist returning from an extended trip was about to cross the last river on the way to the railroad station for home

"Say, cap'n," he said, as he stepped timidly into the rickety old craft, "this boat seems very shaky; was anybody ever lost in her?"

"Not to my knowledge," replied the boatman. "There was three men drowned from her last Thursday, but we found them all the next day."

A man got a call from his partner on the way to work, “be careful honey, there’s some lunatic driving the wrong way on the highway!”

“It’s not just one,” the husband replied, “everyone’s doing it!”

*Joke courtesy of my sibling.*

Okay, I thought this up on the way to work this morning and I'm like 40% sure it's original.

What did one patch of moss say to the other when asked what he thought of the summer weather?

He said: "I'm lichen it so far!"

Now you're allowed to laugh, if you'd like.

On the way to work

One accountant is talking to another and says "You'll never guess what happened to me on the way into work today! This beautiful women rode up to me on a bike, took all of her clothes off, and said 'I'll give you whatever you want.'".

"That's amazing! What did you do?" asks the other accounta...

So Siri tells me there’s a blizzard on the way, to which I say

“Surely you can’t be serious” and she replies “I am serious and don’t call me Shirley”

I must have left my phone in airplane mode

Work got cancelled for two weeks, so I go to the grocery store on the way home.

I’ve seen all the news, lots of Facebook pictures of empty shelves, but I was not prepared for this madness. There’s a line of like five people by the frozen goods aisle, trying to get pizza.

So I decide to go get some ramen. I know it’s not the best, but it keeps forever and I’ve been perfec...

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One day a man was stuck in bumper to bumper traffic, and he really had to take a shit. So he got out of his car and went over to a bush and took a shit in his hat. He couldn't leave his hat there because he had his name on it. He took his hat and on the way to his car he saw a police man.

He covered the hat with his hand. The police officer came over and asked him what was in the hat.
The guy said, "It's a hurt bird."
The police officer said, "Let me see the bird."
The man said, "I can't if I take my hand away it will fly away."
The police officer said, "Let me see the bi...

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I took a Viagra on the way to the office this morning...

I've never worked so hard in my life.

Three car salesmen have a wreck on the way to work

They all arrive at the Pearly Gates and Saint Peter says "Let me ask you a question before admitting you to heaven."

To the first he says "My son, while on Earth did you lead a good life?"
"Oh yes, " says the first man," I had thirty years of marriage to a wonderful woman and I was hones...

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I was on the way to a meeting when a cart full of horse manure tipped all over me. I didn’t let it stop me though,

I was under turd!

I picked up a hitchhiker the other night on the way home from work.

He said "aren't you worried I'm might have been a murderer or something?"

I said, "what's the chances of there being two murderers in the same car at the same time??.

What did the baker sing on the way to bakery?

Pie ho! Pie ho! It’s off to work I go!

Two wives go on a girl’s night out and they have to stop to take a dump on the way home.

All the shops and restaurants are closed and there’s nowhere they can go in their busy city. The only bit of grassland they can find nearby is the local church cemetery.


After they’ve both gone in the corner of the cemetery, they realise they have nothing to wipe with. One uses her pantie...

I hit a deer on the way home

It was really hard to hit. It kept on running away from me but after a few tries I managed to hit it.

On the way to heaven...

One day a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde were on their way to heaven.
God told them the stairs to heaven were 1,000 steps and on every step he was going to tell them a joke. If they laughed they would not be able to get to heaven.
So the redhead made it to the 45th step and laughed.
The ...

What type of EMTs will touch up your makeup on the way to the hospital?

Cos-medics

A Sunday school teacher asked her children on the way to service

A Sunday school teacher asked her children on the way to service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

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Three prisoners are being transported to the prison where they will spend the rest of their lives. On the way there they have a chat about the things they're taking with them.

The first prisoner says:

- I've got a drawing kit. When I'm behind bars, I want to spend the rest of my life making art.

The second says:

- I've got cards. Now I can play stuff like poker, blackjack or bridge.

The third one says:

- And I've got a box of tampons....

I hit a deer with my truck on the way home

And I really don't like it when meat goes to waste, so I guess it's a good thing I got it on the grille right away.

My dad and I disagree on the way fish move.

But I don’t see the point in arguing over salmon ticks.

A man went to a conference in a rural town. On the way back, his car broke down.

Looking around, he saw a monastery sitting on a hill. He decided to ask to stay the night. The monks were welcoming and gave him a room to stay in. In the middle of the night, the man woke to hear strange, beautiful, haunting music. It captivated him. He lay still, crying for the whole hour in which...

Drove past the Chevron station on the way home tonight, without stopping.

You might say we passed gas.

Why was Vladimir involved in a traffic accident on the way to the airport in Moscow?

He was Russian, and ran a red light.

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Two deaf guys stop off in a pub one night on the way home from their lip reading class.

Communicating by using their new lip reading skills one offers to buy the drinks and gives the money to the other who goes to the bar to get them.

At the bar he asks for two pints of lager which the barman puts on the bar and then says “that’ll be £15 please.”

The deaf guy looks shocke...

I bought a lottery ticket on the way home on Valentine's Day...

...at least now I have a chance of getting lucky.

Horrible thing happened on the way home

Last night I was driving home and remembered that my remote for the TV had an issue. The batteries were bad and leaked acid on the springs so I always use salt water to clean the connectors and I needed new batteries - so I make a pit stop at 7-11 get the container of salt and a few double A batteri...

So on the way home my coffee mug was stolen

I guess you could say I was mugged

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A woman walked by a pet shop on the way to work

A parrot in the window looks at her and says "you're ugly". The woman immediately complains to the shop owner and he promises he will talk to the parrot about his rude behavior.

The next day as she's walking past the pet shop it happens again - the parrot looks at her and says "you're ugly!"...

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I went to the bathroom on the way to catch a flight

All I could think was, I ain't got time for this shit

A priest was knocked out on the way to church

He was quickly rushed to the hospital straight after. Whilst he was being wheeled through the hospital he thankfully woke up and asked one of the nurses “Am I in heaven?”
The nurse replied “No, father, you’re in the children’s ward”

This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.

The driver got out and he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy."

I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

I tried to grab some fog on the way to work

But I mist.

As I have gotten older and started thinking about all the people I have lost on the way I'm starting to think.....

Maybe becoming a tour guide wasn't the best career

I tripped on the way to the sandwich shop near my house.

r/SubsYouFellFor

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A nurse stopped at the grocery store on the way home...

She went to pay for her groceries with a cheque, but found that in place of the pen that she always kept in her breast pocket was a rectal thermometer.

"Damn," she said, "some asshole has got my pen!"

My wife stopped me on the way out the door with my viola case in hand.

Wife: Where do you think you're going?

Me: I got a gig.

Wife: A gig? I thought all your gigs got cancelled?

Me: I got a new one.

Wife: Who hires a violist when we're all quarantined?

Me: The health department. They want me to walk down the street playing my viola ...

What does an egg drive on the way to work?

A Yolkswagen!

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On the way home from dinner, three friends died in a car crash.

When the arrived at the gates of Heaven, St. Peter said he would let them in if they had something related to Christmas on them.

The first one pulled out a cigarette lighter. “It looks like a little Christmas candle,” he said. St. Peter reluctantly let him pass.
The second friend pulled...

A general is being driven in a jeep through the desert on the way to a training exercise.

Out in the middle of nowhere, the jeep breaks down. The female jeep driver jumps out, opens the hood and starts working on the engine. The general, wanting to be helpful, finds a toolbox in the back and opens it. "Do you want a screwdriver?" he asks.

"Might as well, it's going to be a while b...

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[On the way to the therapist] Me: You are going to bring up my obsession with predicting the future, won’t you?

Her: Yes.

Me: I knew it!!

I saw the rarest beast on the way home from work yesterday.

An Audi driver actually used his signal while changing lanes.

Who did The Fonz call when his motorcycle broke down on the way to Arnold's Drive-In?

Triple Aaaaayyyyy!

Donald Trump is with his driver and he is on the way to an important meeting. He's running a bit late.

Trump: can you please speed up a little, the meeting will start shortly and we're quite far away
The driver : I can't really Mr President, I am sticking to the limit. Also, we're in the middle of the city and the roads look quite busy. I don't want to put people's safety at risk.
Trump : I kn...

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On the way out of mass...

On the way out of mass, Steve asks Jason: "I've wanted to fuck the pastor's stunning wife for the longest time, can you do me a favor and keep the pastor at confession for like half an hour so I can go nail her?

Jason, ever the wingman, agrees, and proceeds to the confession booth. After a fe...

Did you know that on the way to the Moon the Apollo 11 crew heard rock music coming from outside?

Mission Control confirmed they were passing through the Van Halen belts.

My dad forgot his dentures on the way to dinner

I said "well dadgum it!"

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A group of nuns are on the way to the beach when the bus they're in veers off the road and burns to smithereens.

They all wake up to see they are at the pearly gates of heaven with Saint Paul standing in front of them.

St. Paul goes the first nun and says, "sister have you ever had any contact with a penis? "

"Yes father, I once touched a penis with my finger. "

St. Paul says, "Please di...

I took a detour on the way home yesterday. Took me through 8 traffic circles,

but it got me where I was going, in a roundabout way.

I met a homeless duck on the way to work yesterday. We got talking and I asked him how he ended up on the streets...

He said it was because of his nasty quack habit.

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Legendary Chicago Cubs broadcaster Harry Caray gets pulled over for going about 90 on the way to the ballpark ... (long)

He thinks his reputation will spare him from a ticket, but it's clear the cop is serious when he asks for Caray's license and registration. Harry, probably already three sheets to the wind, replies, "You know officer, I would give you that, but this is a stolen car." The cop is a bit taken aback and...

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An Irish man is on the way to the hospital for the birth of his first child

Callahan, an Irish man, is racing through the city to get to the hospital where his wife has just been taken to give birth to their first child.


There's nowhere to park, and he's going mad trying to find a spot.


Finally in a panic, he gives up and says "Lord, please.. I'm not a...

Why did the family get lost on the way to the hotdog stand?

They took a turn for the wurst.

Two blondes are on the way to Disneyland

and sees a sign with a photo of Disneyland.

It reads: Disneyland left

Suddenly they stop and start crying.

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Me and my wife passed a dead body on the way home

Saying, "You call it a dead body, I call it an easy fuck" wasn't the best idea.

One of my best friends gave birth in a car, on the way to the hospital

His dad named him Carson.

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So the Pope is on the way to his coronation...

...and the cardinals are preparing for his arrival.

One of the cardinals visits a local fisherman and says "I need to catch a fish to serve the new pope tonight".

The fisherman takes him out on his boat and they catch a massive fish.

The fisherman yells "that is a huge son of ...

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