Noth Jokes - 109 Hilarious Noth Jokes

The word 'nothing' is a palindrome. 'Nothing' reversed is 'Gnihton'

which also means nothing

An unpaid internship is nothing like actual slavery

Slaves are given food and housing.

It's a shame nothing is built in the USA anymore....

Just bought a T.V. and it said, "Built in Antenna".

I don't even know where that is!!

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Everyone debates butts vs. boobs, but nothing beats a pretty face.

Except for Chris Brown

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To all the teachers who said I would be nothing but a construction worker and an alcoholic

Fuck you that just was a lucky guess.

In the beginning there was nothing. God said "Let there be light!"

There was still nothing, but now you could see it.

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When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend was cooking breakfast in nothing than a T-shirt...

...when I came downstairs, she told me she needed me to have sex with her right away...

Needless to say I was thrilled, so we did it right there in the kitchen...

...she immediately went back to cooking... we didn't usually do stuff like that, so I hesitantly asked, "so...what was that...

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks,
"What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fir...

My wife accused me of achieving nothing...

So I told her "well I won the Leslie Neilsen award at school."

"What's that?" she said

"It's a big building with kids in it"

If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.

Noble gases should have no reaction.

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[NSFW] A guy is sunbathing on the beach wearing nothing but a hat over his dick.

A guy is sunbathing on the beach wearing nothing but a hat over his dick. A woman walks by and says: "If you were a gentleman you would lift your hat", to which the guy replies: "If you were pretty it would lift itself".

^(Note: I know it's not original but thought someone might enjoy it.)

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A man goes to a costume party with nothing but a naked woman on his back.

"What the hell are you supposed to be, then?" the host asks.

"I'm a turtle," the man replies.

"What a pile of shite!" the host replies. "How can you be a turtle when all you've got is that naked woman on your back?"

"Oh her?" the man smiles. "That's just Michelle!"

4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!

Man, I hate babies.

[Dad Jokes] 3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with.

So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

*Wow this blew up!! I didn't expect it to get so many upvotes! THANK YOU! I heard this joke from my friend today and I decided to share it with Reddit.*

*Thank you for the silver! First time receivi...

I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.

Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me!

I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, ...

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My wife said this sub is nothing but the same recycled crap over and over.

She is so wrong so I told her to check my history. My last post here says otherwise.

A wise man once said “it’s better to say nothing at all”

An even wiser man didn’t say that

As an American, it makes me so sad to see that nothing is made in the USA anymore.

I just bought this new TV and it says “Built-in Antenna.” I don’t even know where that is.

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Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball when suddenly a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either."

He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.

"Wait a minute," she says....

I was once taught that nothing rhymes with silver...

But to this day, I still don’t think they sound the same.

My girlfriend said to me the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?"

I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."

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Trump is nothing like Hitler

There’s no way he could write a book.

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There is nothing worse than a doctors receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of patients

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dic...

I was stranded on an island with nothing but dark red grass, dark red sand, dark red trees everything was darkred.

"AHHH!" i yelled "I've been marooned!"

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Yesterday I was nothing more than a sad, teenage virgin

But today I turned 20

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Three men were talking about their teenage daughters: The first says "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and found a packet of cigarettes. I didn't even know she smoked". The second says "That's nothing.

I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a full bottle of Vodka.
I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank".
Then the third speaks up.
"Both of you have got nothing to worry about.
I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a packet o...

Man, nothing beats a beautiful woman with a great singing voice.

… Except Chris Brown.

I'm a masochist. There's nothing I love more than getting up at 3 in the morning for a cold shower.

So I don't.

People say nothing is impossible

But I do nothing every day

What do kids play when they got nothing to do?

Bored-games

It's now 7 months since I joined the gym and nothing has changed.

Maybe it's time I go there personally and find out what's wrong.

My boss calls me, “The Computer” but it has nothing to do with my intelligence.

I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

Nothing can stop me now!

Ahhhh! Nothing! My only weakness!

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There's nothing like waking up to sex in the morning...

Unless you're in prison!

I just got a new cat. I named him Nothing.

Because he's orange and Nothing rhymes with orange.

Did you hear about the fella who walked into the psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap underwear?

The doctor took one look at him and said “well I can clearly see your nuts”

I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?” I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled...

“It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

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My Asian girlfriend told me there's nothing wrong with having a little penis.

I still wish she didn't have one, though...

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A man is lying on the beach, sun bathing, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch.

A woman passes by and remarks "If you were a gentleman, you would lift your hat for a lady ..." He replies "If you were any sort of sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself!"

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My darling asked me what I wanted for Xmas, and I said, "Nothing would make me happier than oral Sex."

So that's what she gave me.

Nothing.

What do you call a smoking piece with nothing in it?

DMT Pipe

Why does nothing much change in the Shire?

Force of hobbit.

A bloke went to his mate's fancy dress party with nothing but a girl on his back.

"So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the host asked.
"I'm a snail." The bloke replied.
"What a load of rubbish!" the host spat. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that girl on your back?"
"That's not a any girl, mate," the bloke replied, "that's Michelle".

- Doctor, I'm having constant depression. Nothing works.

\- The best cure you can try is to fully submerge yourself in your work.

\- Doctor, but I'm working as a plumber.

Our country needs a border wall. South of the border is nothing but criminals, disgusting people, and entitled people and their government does nothing about it.

Just to be clear, I live in Canada.

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A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little...

“I felt nothing”

Man comes home at six and his wife gives him a peck on the cheek. Noticing his detached expression, she asks him what’s wrong. He says, “I felt nothing.” She takes a deep breath, then gives him the kiss of her life. He stares at her and repeats, “I felt nothing.” Hurt, her tears flowing freely, she ...

There is nothing wrong with drinking while pregnant...

...my wife drank through all five months of her pregnancy.

Nothing is better than studying

That's why i do nothing.

You have 3 months to spend 500 million dollars and get nothing in return, how do you do it?

Run for president.

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Nothing says “I guess I’ll just watch some porn,”

like accidentally opening your spam folder.

Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him

So he tracked down nothing and killed it

I asked my horse who sang her favorite version of Nothing Compares 2 U.

She neighed.

(RIP)

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A man goes to a costume party wearing nothing but pants...

The host asks: "What are you supposed to be?"

The man replies: "I am a premature ejaculation!"

To which the host replies: "Interesting... But why are you not wearing a shirt or shoes or a hat or anything else?"

The man says: "Well I just came in my pants!"

Kid: Waahhh! Dad, my toy is broken! Dad: Nothing that a duct tape can’t fix.

Kid: mmmph.. mmrr...

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Split up with my lying, cheating, thieving girlfriend last month and it's been nothing but Happy Days since.

The bitch took all my other box-sets.

Nothing ever happens in New Zealand…

It hippens.

Nothing makes you more tolerant of a neighbor's noisy party

than being there.

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I ate nothing but beans for 48 hours

I now think I have Ass Purgers syndrome.

There’s nothing sweeter than a baby’s laughter…

Unless it’s 3am.

And you’re home alone.

And you don’t have a baby.

I dont enjoy Andor, but it has nothing to do with Star Wars...

...I'm just not a fan of conjunctions

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Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee. The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it.

Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.
The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!"
"That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks...

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Even this is nothing

A kid roaming in the market with his mom saw a horny donkey with erected d\*ck. Pointing at that he asked "Mom, what is that ? "

Hesitatingly, she replied "Nothing" and took him away to home.

Somedays later, when moving around with his dad, he again saw that donkey with...

You can call a dog a “fur baby” and nothing happens,

but I call OND CHILD a “skin dog” and suddenly I’m the WORST taxidermist in the state.

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I’m constipated and got nothing to do.

I’m bored shitless.

Nothing is free

There Is Nothing Free On Earth, Even To Listen Attentively, You Must Pay Attention

What requires no experience, gives no training, pays nothing, you can’t quit and people’s lives are on the line?

_*Motherhood.*_

My mother always told me that there’s nothing worse than running with scissors

Now that I’m older, I realize there’s one worse thing: scissoring with the runs

"If I ever need to buy a cucumber and nothing else,

**I'll also buy lube so the cashier doesn't think I'm vegan."**

Nothing is certain in life

except death, taxes and vegans telling you they're vegan.

And after talking to a few priests and rich guys, I'm no longer sure about the first two.

There’s nothing I love more than eggs with extra-durable yolks.

They just can’t be beaten.

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of

resting before you get tired.

Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing was happening, so I said to her,

“What’s the matter, you can’t think of anybody either?”

I'll stop at nothing

to avoid using negative numbers.

Xhyr'noth the defiler, an ancient cosmic horror, decides to visit earth to go pub crawling through the US.

In the first state everyone at the pub runs off in terror. As the humanoid looking abomination filled with eyes and tentacles warps in and orders a beer. The police and military is informed but doesn't know what to do yet. The bartender doesn't care because he has suicidal depression and rather stri...

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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobweb...

Periods are 100% normal and nothing to worry about.

But a semi colon is not; you should see a proctologist about that.

Husband: "I'm getting you diamonds for our anniversary" - Wife: "Nothing would please me more"

Husband: *Gets her nothing instead*

Schizophrenia is nothing to joke about

That's what my pet rock told me

A lawyer walked into the courtroom wearing nothing but his underwear and asked, "Can we please postpone the trial?"

The judge replied, "Of course! How can we start when you've forgotten your lawsuit?"

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After years of getting nothing from my garden, I finally got my dildo patch to produce!

But now I have a problem with squatters.

Nothing ruins your Friday

Like finding out it’s only Thursday.

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne, Australia. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.
You wanna try it?'
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO ha...

I once killed 2 bears with nothing but my hands

The tardigrades didn’t stand a chance

Roofs cost nothing

Because they are on the house

Time to open a pub that serves nothing but expensive beers and baked beans

I'll call it Farts & Crafts.

I keep reading nothing but black hole articles...

They just keep pulling me in!

When my grandfather first came to this country, he had nothing but a shirt on his back.

When the immigration people finally caught up to him, they made him put on pants too.

I asked my wife if she would like a necklace for Christmas, she said nothing will please her more

So I got her nothing instead

Just A Funny Nothing else

What’s a video game title you can also call an anti-vax
Kid?

Half-Life

Nothing says I have total faith in God

than the bullet proof glass on the Pope's car.

I went to the restroom to relieve myself but nothing came out...

It was a shampoo...

(I know where the door is)

Some days it just feels like I might have nothing better to do than talk to a hole in the ground.

Oh well.

I want to open a shop that sells nothing but footstools.

I’ll call it… The Ottoman Empire

…

…I’ll see myself out.

So a guy gets shipwrecked on an island with nothing but a dog and a goat.

As time passes, he decides he needs some action, and, well, the goats not lookin half bad.

However, anytime the man tries to make a move on the goat, the dog gets jealous, snaps at him and won’t let him by.

Eventually, another ship wrecks, this time carrying a blonde babe. Just absolu...

“Nothing looks good on me anymore,” complained a customer modeling an outfit in front of the department store’s mirror…

“Nonsense, ma’am,” said the salesclerk trying to reassure her.

“That dress says it all.”

“That’s the problem,” the woman replied.

“I need a dress that keeps its mouth shut.”

Obesity is nothing

... but surplus gone to waist.

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I told my son that masturbation is perfectly normal and heathy and nothing to be embarrassed about.

"OK, Dad," he said, "but could you do it somewhere else please?"

I read about a guy that blocked an entire river with nothing but legumes

Dam thats nuts

As a Pink Floyd fan, nothing makes me angrier than seeing a vegan eating pudding.

Because how can you have any pudding if you don't eat yer meat?

I started out with nothing,

and I still have most of it.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with asbestos

My grandfather worked around asbestos for 60 years and never developed any health issues. It did take 3 straight days to cremate him, but that's besides the point.

Nothing says, "I don't take you seriously"...

...like your dog wagging it's tail while you scold it.

First golf joke I’ve heard less than 1,000,000 times.

A Catholic, a Baptist and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.

"I have four boys, and my wife is expecting another," says the Catholic. "One more son, and I'll have a basketball team."

"That's nothing," says the Baptist. "I have 10 boys now, and my wife is pregnant w...

Flat earthers have nothing to fear...

...but sphear itself

What do you get it you ask a politician to tell 'the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth'?

3 different answers

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Nothing worse than, after sex, looking down and seeing that limp used Condom hanging off your dick...

Particularly when you weren't wearing one when you started.

Nothing Original

There’s a girl on my art course who never does any original work, she copies everything.

We call her Tracey.

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