Ing Jokes - 75 Hilarious Ing Jokes

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Well….that’s a fu**ing coincidence.

Karen: Doctor, I've not been feeling well lately

Doctor: Well, I've looked at your lab reports and I'm afraid I have some bad news...

Karen: Don't give me this lab nonsense, you bureaucratic paper pusher! I don't believe Western medicine anyways! I've been following homeopathic medicin...

My top 3 assumptions when doorbell ings:

1. Murderer

2. Police telling me everyone is dead

3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

BR EAK ING NE WS...Just been arguing with my wife and she just told me, "I was right."

Please HELP me....What do I do next?

I ****ing love asterisks!

Seriously. I swear by them.

The benefits of F***ing

1.F***ing once a week is good for your health, but it's harmful if done every day.

2. F***ing relaxes your mind and body.

3. F***ing refreshes you.

4. After F***ing, don't eat too much; go for more liquids.

5. Try F***ing in bed 'cause it can save you valuable energy....

Br eak ing Ne ws.

A 9 year old girl has disappeared after using moisturiser that makes you look 10 years younger.

What do you call a dj-ing kangaroo?

Disc joey

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An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo piss an shite!"

The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?"

And the shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"

Three nuns die and arrive in heaven

Three nuns arrive in heaven. Peter is standing at the gates, and he welcomes them into heaven, but tells them before they can enter they must answer a question.

Peter comes to the first nun and asks “what was the name of the first man on earth ?”

“Oh that’s an easy one!” the nun say...

What's the difference between a good joke and

A bad joke timing

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I’m not Rabbi-ing it

I was shocked to hear my Rabbi was going to start a martial arts studio...

He calls it Jew Jitsu

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Two friends, Sarah and Kate, who haven't met in a while, run into each other.

Sarah: You know, my boyfriend bought me a Mercedes two weeks ago.

Kate: Amazing!

Sarah: And yesterday, he gave me a pearl necklace.

Kate: Amazing!

Sarah: And in a month, we are going on a three-week-long vacation on Hawaii.

Kate: Amazing!

Sarah: Thanks. But,...

I’ve always wanted to create a new font.

The descenders would be little link sausages. They’d be the serifs of knotting ham.

What do you call two turtles f@#$ing?

A slow poke.

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Anyone know a cure for addiction?

I've tried f***ing everything

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So I was at the bar the other day...

...and suddenly, I feel a large slap on my .

Turning around, I spot the ugliest woman imaginable; she was large, heavily tattooed, and caked with metric tonnes of makeup.

She said to me, "Hey there, guy. I saw you over there and thought you should call me."

I looked her over ...

Who called it PMS-ing and not

Ovary-acting.

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In celebration of my cake day, here's the worst joke I've ever created.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him ...

My girlfriend started pms-ing today.

I thinks it's just a big ovary action.

i used to work in a fort cleaning the inside of cannons

then they fired me.

So apparently RSVP-ing to a wedding invite with...

"Maybe next time" wasn't the best response. Who knew?

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At a U2 concert in Belfast,Ireland

Bono asked the audience for total silence.

Then in the silence he started to clap his hands. Once every few seconds.

Keeping the audience in silence he said into the microphone, “every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.”

From the front of the crowd a broad Irish acc...

A girl visits her boyfriend on a Friday night

Girl: Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Boy: Actually, it's a banana. They were on sale.

Girl: OK... is that another banana in your pocket, or are you happy to see me?

Boy: It was a 2-for-1 sale.

Girl: Alright, fine... is that yet anothe...

I saw my dad chopping up onions today and I cried

Onions was a good dog

Thank you student loans for getting me through college.

I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you.

What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?

2 kilomockingbirds

So Danny Ings is about to play his first game for Liverpool...

...Brendan Rodgers says: "We'll give you 45 minutes, then pull you off at half time."
Danny exclaims: "That's brilliant, we only used to get an orange at Burnley"

I’m using Excel and told the boss that I’ve been Ctrl+F’ing all day.

She asked me if that was a polite way of swearing.

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A Joke for Indigenous Peoples' Day

Once there was a native american named Lakota. All his tribe had normal teepees shaped like cones. But Lakota, repeatedly trying as he might could not make a normal teepee. Instead his teepee was very strange and shaped like a cube.

One day he went to an elder and asked, "why no matter how ha...

A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!"

The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"

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Fishing Priest

A priest hooks a huge fish. Helping him reel it in, a sailor says, "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!"

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - it's a Fucker fish." Accep...

I find it odd that so many Americans are circumcised...

Especially considering how many rely on tips to get by.

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A sailor and a priest were playing golf.

The sailor took his first shot and it sliced wide right. The sailor said "Ah , I missed."

The priest replied, surprised, "My son, you shouldn't speak that way or God will punish you."

The sailor took aim for his next shot and hooked it badly to the left, "I missed again!"...

The chances of a bomb being on your plane is one in 300 million, but the chances of two bombs being on your plane is one in 60 billion...

which is why, when I fly, I always carry a bomb.

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A man is waiting for the bus.

A woman passes him in her car, splashing mud all over him before driving away, laughing.

The next day, the woman's car is broken down on the highway. The man passes her and rolls down his window.

"I'm definitely posting this on Reddit"

"What? Why would you do that?"
<...

I’m saving up some money to plant bushes for my backyard.

That’s…my hedge fund.

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Did you hear the joke about King Midas and King Oedipus?

It's pure, motherfucking gold.

I used to be a geologist

It was a boring job

What do you tell an annoying alcoholic?

Stop whining.

Chemistry jokes #3

H2O is water and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. What is H2O4?

Drinking

I’m trying to find the best chemistry jokes but all the good ones argon

Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"

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Good thing Stephen King does not make movies

We will never see IT coming

Why is Pho always served in a bowl?

Because anything less would be a Pho cup.

Why did the brake pedal get therapy?

It was tired of being depressed.

This morning, the doctor told me I was colorblind.

It came completely out of the orange.

What do you call a Asian chef, who got zombified?

Dead man wok-ing

I found stir fry all over my bed this morning

I must have been sleep **wok**ing again

What's the similarity of a failure and you spanking a hard ?

You're both hitting rock bottom.

An Uber driver

I called an Uber, a luxury minivan came.

The driver asked: are you ok with songs from the 60s?

Thought for 3 second, I said: Why not

Then he started to sing...

A police man spots a blond driving a car and knitting at the same time.

He gets her to roll down her window.
“Pull over” he yells. “No silly”she replies “it’s a scarf”!

stranger at the door: hi, can I come in?

me: I don't know, can you?

vampire: *\*\*\*\*ing English teachers...*

New Pet

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store and told the owner hat he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede,
which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the bo...

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I watched that documentary about the guy who fell in love with his car.

I was exhausting.

A man comes up to the drive thru window, and the attendant greets him:

Attendant: Welcome, how may I help you today?

Customer: I'd like a burger and a vanilla ice cream cone

Attendant: Sorry, the ice cream machine is broken again today, and we don't know how long it'll be down, so we don't have any ice cream today.

Customer: How about fries and ic...

I have an addiction to having lots of money in my bank account.

Unfortunately, I'm suffering from withdrawals.

What do you do for a living?

During a blind date, the beautiful blonde girl asked the guy:
- “So what do you do for a living?”
He answered:
- “I hunt and kill aliens”
- “Wow! I thought aliens don’t exist!” She surprisingly responded
- He grinned and said “You are f—-ing welcome”

I messed up during a guitar recital.

I didn't think it was a big deal, bit it turned out to a A Major mistake...

Why did the scarecrow get a raise?

He was outstanding in his field.

Friend of mine is doing really well running his crematorium

He urn’s a lot

I used to be really interested in drilling holes

Now I just find it boring.

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A guy is drinking in a bar...

After his last drink, he tries to stand up and falls. He starts crawling out of the bar.
He crawls out of the bar, he crawls in the street, trying to hold on to something, but each time he falls and he just keeps crawling home.
He crawls up his stairs, he crawls to his bedroom, and finally he...

I found a talking frog outside.

He speaks english, spanish, and french. I introduced my friends to the frog and they seem to really like him. Now, the whole neighborhood is knocking at my door wanting to talk to the frog.

I don’t get it, his conversations aren’t that ribbet-ing.

Charles III

Charles: *orders* GET ME A F’ing CUP OF TEA! Two Sugar. Asap.

Servant: *mumbles* who died and made you King..!?

An Italian guy, English guy and a Polish guy ...

.... are applying for the same job and they are all sitting in the waiting room together.

Interviewer is a middle aged man, opens the door and calls the English guy. They sit down and the interviewer asks
-The job you are applying for requires powers of observations. Make an observation a...

Did you know you can raise your energy levels by holding sodium in one hand and a AA in the other?

Worst thing that will happen is you'll be charged with, A salt and battery.

Two autocorrecting iPhones walk into a bear

Bard*

BRA*

BOAR*

JESUS %#$&ING CHRISTINA AGUILERA

Vacationing in Switzerland

"So did you enjoy the beautiful scenery?"

"I couldn't really see much because of the mountains."

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Why I don’t go to bars…

If I wanted to spend $200 in one night on a woman who has no intention of fu**ing me, I’d just take my wife out to dinner.

Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump walk into a bar...

Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump walk into a bar on Christmas Eve.

Bernie Sanders says "Hello, can I have a drink?" and gets a drink.

Donald Trump walks up to the bartender and says "Merry Christmas, can I have a drink? By the way, bartender, you are extremely ugly. I f***ing hate y...

There are two fish in a tank...

...and one says to the other, "how do we drive this thing?"

Why do some people think the Earth is flat?

...because they made a *round*ing error

Why did Walter White go to the auto repair shop?

Because he was Braking Bad.

I am going to work on being less condescending

Con-Dee-Send-Ing - That means I am not going to talk down to people.

You must be in management!

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am".
The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon h...

does anyone wanna hear my corny jokes?

i promise you- they’re a-maize-ing!

I think Model Trains cast an unrealistic beauty standard on actual trains...

But model trains never eat and real trains are always CHEW CHEW CHEW-ing

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