The benefits of F***ing

1.F***ing once a week is good for your health, but it's harmful if done every day.

2. F***ing relaxes your mind and body.

3. F***ing refreshes you.

4. After F***ing, don't eat too much; go for more liquids.

5. Try F***ing in bed 'cause it can save you valuable energy....

I ****ing love asterisks!

Seriously. I swear by them.

Fish-flavored ice cream

Once upon a time, there was an ice cream shop. One day, a little girl walks in...
"How can I help you, little girl?" - said the ice cream maker.
"Do you have fish-flavored ice cream?" - she asked.
"No, we don't" - he replied.
"Bummer" - said the little girl while leaving.
The next day...

What do you call a dj-ing kangaroo?

Disc joey

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A man wanted to try 69 with his girlfriend

Right in the middle the man realizes he has a dentist appointment. So he pops up and heads to the bathroom. He brushes his teeth 3 times. He uses mouth wash twice and flosses once for good measure.

He gets to the dentist office just in time and his dentist calls him in. Dentist says open wid...

‌‌The b‌‌eautiful s‌‌ecretary o‌‌f a‌‌ b‌‌ank p‌‌resident w‌‌as a‌‌sked t‌‌o s‌‌quire a‌‌round t‌‌he k‌‌ing o‌‌f a‌‌ w‌‌ealthy A‌‌frican k‌‌ingdom, o‌‌ne o‌‌f t‌‌he b‌‌ank's m‌‌ost i‌‌mportant c‌‌lients.

After a‌‌ d‌‌ay s‌‌hopping and‌‌ s‌‌ightseeing, t‌‌he k‌‌ing w‌‌as u‌‌tterly b‌‌esotted w‌‌ith t‌‌he l‌‌ady, a‌‌nd a‌‌sked f‌‌or h‌‌er h‌‌and i‌‌n m‌‌arriage. T‌‌he p‌‌roposal t‌‌ook t‌‌he s‌‌ecretary b‌‌y s‌‌urprise a‌‌nd s‌‌he w‌‌as t‌‌hinking o‌‌f h‌‌ow t‌‌o t‌‌urn h‌‌im d‌‌own p‌‌olitely w‌‌itho...

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Anyone know a cure for sex addiction?

I've tried f***ing everything

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Here It Is! The Poopie list!

Ghost Poopie--The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie--The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie--The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unw...

does anyone wanna hear my corny jokes?

i promise you- they’re a-maize-ing!

According to the Chinese Zodiac, 2020 was the Year of the Rat

So we've been spending the entire year holed up, only briefly leaving to get food, running at the sight of other humans, and transmitting infection.

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A group of kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

“You need to use ‘big people’ words,” she’d always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

“I went to visit my Nana.”

“No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use big people word...

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[NSFW] Gordon Ramsey: "F***ing hell, this tastes like someone shat on a piece of meat and then served it raw. What the f*** are you thinking asking me to eat this?"

"Gordon, if you don't want to give me oral sex, just say so. Don't make a production out of it." - His wife.

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I hate it when people say "Jesus F***ing Christ"...

..."Jesus Masturbating" is shorter

What do you call two turtles [email protected]#$ing?

A slow poke.

You should send a resume to your local dojo

I heard they were HiYaa-ing

There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle....

Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper, and not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a "For sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquiries about it with the owner "Th...

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I’m not Rabbi-ing it

I was shocked to hear my Rabbi was going to start a martial arts studio...

He calls it Jew Jitsu

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A sailor and a priest were playing golf.

The sailor took his first shot and it sliced wide right. The sailor said "Ah fuck, I missed."

The priest replied, surprised, "My son, you shouldn't speak that way or God will punish you."

The sailor took aim for his next shot and hooked it badly to the left, "I fucking missed again!"...

The chances of a bomb being on your plane is one in 300 million, but the chances of two bombs being on your plane is one in 60 billion...

which is why, when I fly, I always carry a bomb.

He-ing and She-ing

He-ing and she-ing

A preacher was addressing his congregation.

“It has come to my attention that some of you have been he-ing and she-ing! We don’t need that kind of sinning in this church. Any guilty of this sin just get out!”

Half of the congregation gets up and leaves.
<...

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real 'miser' when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into th...

I got thrashed for RSVP'ing a wedding invite,

Apparently "maybe next time" wasn't a good reply.

I’m using Excel and told the boss that I’ve been Ctrl+F’ing all day.

She asked me if that was a polite way of swearing.

TIL the excuse the US Marine used in May 1943 after accidentally friendly fire'ing a British U-boat.

Woops, wrong sub.

[nsfw] i was driving along a country road in new Zealand and saw a farmer f***ing a sheep

I called out to him "mate, shouldn't you be shearing it?"

He said "shearing it? I ain't shearing it with nobody"

Who called it PMS-ing and not

Ovary-acting.

What do you call 69-ing in China?

Tu Can Chu

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Had a fight with my girlfriend last night in which she called me a "F***ING PEDOPHILE!"

I mean, who the hell teaches 3rd graders words like that?!?

What do you tell an annoying alcoholic?

Stop whining.

‌‌I w‌‌a‌‌s i‌‌‌‌n V‌‌enic‌‌e B‌‌eac‌‌h i‌‌‌‌n J‌‌anuar‌‌y a‌‌n‌‌d t‌‌her‌‌e w‌‌a‌‌s a‌‌‌‌ h‌‌omeles‌‌s m‌‌a‌‌n w‌‌it‌‌h a‌‌‌‌ s‌‌ig‌‌n t‌‌ha‌‌t s‌‌ai‌‌d "‌‌‌‌1 d‌‌olla‌‌r f‌‌o‌‌r d‌‌irt‌‌y j‌‌oke."

Seeme‌‌d l‌‌ik‌‌e a‌‌‌‌ g‌‌oo‌‌d i‌‌nvestmen‌‌t t‌‌‌‌o m‌‌‌‌e s‌‌‌‌o I‌‌‌‌ g‌‌ladl‌‌y h‌‌ande‌‌d o‌‌ve‌‌r a‌‌‌‌ d‌‌ollar.

Homeles‌‌s m‌‌an‌‌: "‌‌Alrigh‌‌t s‌‌i‌‌r w‌‌hat‌‌s y‌‌ou‌‌r n‌‌ame?"

Me‌‌: "‌‌Bobby"

Homeles‌‌s m‌‌an‌‌: "‌‌S‌‌o Bobby, t‌‌her‌‌e i‌‌‌‌s b‌‌lac‌‌k r‌‌ooste‌‌...

What's worse than seeing your grandfather f**ing? [NSFW]

Feeling it.

Psychiatry class

Professor: "Today we'll learn about the stages of calm, irritability and fury." Then the Professor grabs the phone and dials a number:

- Hello, may I speak with William, please?

- There is no William here, you got the wrong number.

"This was the stage of calm", explains the prof...

A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!"

The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"

So Danny Ings is about to play his first game for Liverpool...

...Brendan Rodgers says: "We'll give you 45 minutes, then pull you off at half time."
Danny exclaims: "That's brilliant, we only used to get an orange at Burnley"

Thank you student loans for getting me through college.

I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you.

My girlfriend started pms-ing today.

I thinks it's just a big ovary action.

What's the similarity of a failure and you spanking a hard ass?

You're both hitting rock bottom.

What does Bud light have in common with making love in a canoe?

Fu**ing close to water! :-)

I'm DJ'ing my daughter's 11th bday. As DJ D. A. D. , I need to collect your best dad jokes suitable for the mic!

I'm sure she'll forgive me... eventually.... Hit me!

10 little monkeys

10 little monkeys were jumping on the bed.



One fell off and bumped his head.



Mama called the doctor and the doctor said:



Take your schizophrenia pill f***ing idiot.

So I was at the laundromat the other day

I went to the change machine to get some quarters. It took my bill but nothing came back out.

And I thought, "that doesn't make cents."

A boy decides to learn a language of all animals

- Dad, there is a school where you can learn the language of animals. Please, give me money to go there and study.

*Fathers agrees and gives him money*

*After a year, son returns home and father decides to test his skills*

-Son, did you learn the language?
-Yes father. Do you...

A son was walking along side his father

While walking, the kid was looking at his phone and didn’t notice a pole in front of him, which resulted with him colliding with the pole.

The father said, “That was some a”pole”ing behavior” and began to laugh at his own joke

The son, being slightly irritated, snapped back at the fath...

I saw my dad chopping up onions today and I cried

Onions was a good dog

Can you name the 3 NFL team's mascots that start with the letter "F"?

The Falcons, the Fourty-Niners and the F***ing Dolphins!

I work as a comedian in China, and the authorities are always vetting my material.

>!everythIng is Always Moderated wIthiN a Justified mAnner, precIse and Legitimate. !<

They say money doesn't buy happiness

but money could buy me some yachts and that would at least give me some *fleet*ing joy

Why aren't MS Word files allowed here?

Rule 4: No docx-ing

I messed up during a guitar recital.

I didn't think it was a big deal, bit it turned out to a A Major mistake...

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A man is waiting for the bus.

A woman passes him in her car, splashing mud all over him before driving away, laughing.



The next day, the woman's car is broken down on the highway. The man passes her and rolls down his window.

"I'm definitely posting this on Reddit"

"What? Why would you do that?"
<...

Why did the brake pedal get therapy?

It was tired of being depressed.

Materialistic

A Banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.
As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the curb and takes off the door before zooming off.

More than a little distraught, the Banker grabs his mobile and calls ...

Every lunch hour Barry picked up a can of dog food at the deli,

went across the street to a park bench, and ate the whole can with evident gusto. A doctor who happened to pass through the park regularly couldn't help noticing Barry's behavior and finally couldn't resist offer. ing some advice. "I'm an internist," he explained, "and I think you should know tha...

Corn makes everything better.

It's a-maize-ing like that.

1. What do you call a fight between celebrity actors? ( more)

1. **What do you call a fight between celebrity actors?**

**Star Wars!**



**2. What do you call a man with two pieces of wood on his head?**

**Edward Woodwood!**



3. **What do you call a pig that knows karate?**
**Pork chop!**


4....

the big universe

two friends Jake & bill laying in the tent camping

bill: Jake what are you looking at

Jake: the stars

bill: and what you get from that

Jake: how big the universe is and how small we are

bill: no the fu\*\*ing tent is gone you moron

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I love pressing the F5 button

It's so refreshing

What do you call the best maze ever?

A-maze-ing!

My wife just told me she was pregnant...

True story. I used this as an opportunity to tell my first Dad joke:

"Hello, Pregnant. My name is Dad."



Dumb, but I don't care. I'm on top of the f'ing world right now and nothing can take me down.

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Did you hear the joke about King Midas and King Oedipus?

It's pure, motherfucking gold.

After screaming and crying at 3 AM due to a terrible nightmare, the boy went to his dad's bedroom.

"F***ing hell dad!", he said, "are you okay?"

I was Washingtons of clothes when...

Adams-el in distress ran up to me and said her boyfriend Jefferson was being not nice and even though I was a bit Madison at the guy I couldn’t help but give her retreat, and boy, she was such a Monroe!

My friend Jack’s son decided to do a van burying on me I was having a leisurely drive. He ...

Why did the scarecrow get a raise?

He was outstanding in his field.

Let's Pretend

At one night, a priest and a nun decided to get out of the convent together. They were looking for somewhere to pass the night, until they found a little hut, which only had a double bed and a wardrobe with some blankets. The priest asked the nun:

\- Should we sleep here?

\- Yes - the ...

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A circus is looking for new acts so they place an advert in the local paper

A few days later the circus' agent gets a phone call. "Hi I'm Jeff!" says the caller "I saw your advert and it sounds like my dream! I think I'm definitely talented enough to be in the circus!"

"Well ok Jeff, tell me about yourself, what's your skill?" says the agent

"I can skateboard!...

I have an addiction to having lots of money in my bank account.

Unfortunately, I'm suffering from withdrawals.

A pastors wife goes to the fish market

She’s looking to make fillets for dinner and asks the guy behind the counter for a suggestion.

“I’d recommend this right here, ma’am. It’s new to the market.”

“What kind of fish is it?” She asks.

“It’s dam fish, ma’am.”

The pastors wife abruptly says. “How dare you use th...

An Italian guy, English guy and a Polish guy ...

.... are applying for the same job and they are all sitting in the waiting room together.

Interviewer is a middle aged man, opens the door and calls the English guy. They sit down and the interviewer asks
-The job you are applying for requires powers of observations. Make an observation a...

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A guy has three sons

A guy has three sons and a herd of cows. One day a cow dies. He asks the oldest son to go to the city and buy a new cow. He warns him to be careful when going through the dark forest and avoid the witch.

The son bumps into the witch in the forest and she is a beautiful young lady who tells...

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A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be the Man of Your House."

He went storming to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on,
you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You
will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating my
meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert. After dinner, you are
g...

Welcome to the Reddit stand-up comedy show

\*I enter the stage, applause erupts\*

Alright alright reddit! How you feelin' today?

\*applause\*

Alright! So, show of hands, how many of you are redditors?

\*everyone raises their hands\*

Haha, maybe not too surprising. Because you all look depressed and out of s...

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A Strange Date

A young man, out on the tiles with his mates, spies the girl of his Dreams across a dance floor.

Having admired her from afar, he finally gets up the courage to talk to her.

Everything goes better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on a date the following Saturday evening. ...

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A guy is drinking in a bar...

After his last drink, he tries to stand up and falls. He starts crawling out of the bar.
He crawls out of the bar, he crawls in the street, trying to hold on to something, but each time he falls and he just keeps crawling home.
He crawls up his stairs, he crawls to his bedroom, and finally he...

A man walks in a bar and asks the bartender

Man : Do you have bananas?

Bartender : Humm, no, we don't

Man : Do you have bananas?

Bartender : No, we don't have bananas

Man : Do you have bananas?

Bartender : No, we don't have bananas here

Man : Do you have bananas?

Bartender : NO, we don't
...

You don't know Jack...

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of
Knee-deep Schitt, Inc.
Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and they had 6 children: Holie Schitt, The twins; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt....

I told my friend I was an origami black belt? He laughed..

He wasn't laughing any more when I folded him into a &@#%ing yacht...

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My Wife Says I Look Like A Young Adolf Hitler...

Guess Im Just NotSee-ing it.

A foursome is waiting on the men's tee while another foursome of ladies is hitting from the ladies' tee.

The ladies are taking their time. Finally the last one is ready to hit the ball. She hacks it about 10 feet, walks up and whiffs one swing at it and then hacks it maybe another 10 feet. She walks back to her bag, selects a different club, walks back to the ball and hacks it another 5 feet. She looks...

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"I could get some Cheez-Its..."

"Or I could get Starbursts...or beef jerky...

"Or I could get Cheez-Its *and* beef jerky...*or* beef jerky and Starbursts...OR, I could even get Cheez-Its, Starbursts, AND beef jerky..."

-"Dude! What the hell is taking so long?!"

"Just trying to decide what I want from this Venn...

Scientists have developed a vaccine against stupidity.

But anti-vaxxers won't get it.

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A guy says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for some 69."

She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care."

They go into the bedroom, and are 69'ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.

She says, "Answer the door."

He says, "But my face is a mess."

She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the doo...

What did the Muslim say when we got scared?

I’m sheikh-ing

^(I’m sorry)

Anyone heard what Beethoven is up to these days?

Decomposing!

In need of an eye-related joke.

I'm about to be doing a presentation for a bunch of 5th graders. The subject is eyes, and I'm wanting to end it with some kind of eye-related joke as they're walking away. It needs to make sense in context and be appropriate. Anyone have any ideas?

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A family are sitting at the dinner table when their meal is interrupted when the family dog walks into the room with a dead rabbit in its mouth...

The family all panic as they identify the rabbit belongs as their next door neighbours'. In a desperate attempt to avoid being blamed for the rabbits death, they try to cover it up. Shampoo'ing the rabbits fur to make it look less obvious it has been mauled etc. Once the rabbit looks slightly more p...

It can never remember the capital of Vietnam

It's really Hanoi-ing

Why don't people ever see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they're really f***ing good at it.

An even cornier joke

One stalk of corn said to the other stalk of corn, "Hey, can I tell you something?"

The other stalk of corn said, "I'm all ears."

Why did no one like to hang with the male pig?

He was too Boar-ing.

If your visit of Vietnam's capital was unpleasant...

Then it was definitely an Hanoi-ing experience.

I once got arrested for greeting my friend

Apparently the police doesn’t like hi-jack-ing

Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump walk into a bar...

Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump walk into a bar on Christmas Eve.

Bernie Sanders says "Hello, can I have a drink?" and gets a drink.

Donald Trump walks up to the bartender and says "Merry Christmas, can I have a drink? By the way, bartender, you are extremely ugly. I f***ing hate y...

I’ve seen so many jokes about wheels

At this point it’s just tire-ing

Two silkworms are are racing each other...

And they ended up in a tie.

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Seagull poop (longish)

{From my childhood - no idea who to credit}



A man is sitting at the bar alone when suddenly, in walks a pirate.

The whole place goes quiet as the pirate walks to the counter.

He orders a drink and noticed the man is staring at him, eyes wide.

The pirate says, "Wha...

Why are Chinese colors so bland?

Because they’re always beige-ing.

You must be in management!

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am".
The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon h...

Little Johnny has an assignment from school to describe society and how it works. (Long)

Now, being a little kid he had no idea what to do, so he asked his dad for help. His dad said “ OK, so first think of me as the President, your mum as the Congress, the maid as the workforce and your baby brother as the future. Now see what happens and write that up.”

So Johnny did this and f...

A woman wants to buy a dog.

She looks up the newspaper and sees an ad for a dog for sale. She visits the house of the seller, who's very friendly, greets her and asks her inside.

"Well, I suppose you want to get to know the dog. He's upstairs."

So the lady goes up, walks into the room and sees the dog, who greets...

Why did Mickey break up with Minnie?

Because she was f***ing goofy.

On a long haul flight.....

.... with a couple of hours of the flight left the cabin lights were turned on.
The guy next to me woke up startled and annoyed.
“Who turned the f#*@*ing lights on” he shouted at a member of the cabin crew.
“Sir, these are the breakfast lights. I’m afraid you slept through the f#*@*ing...

I used to be really interested in drilling holes

Now I just find it boring.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was the clock sent to detention?

It ticked-off the teacher by tock-ing in class.

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