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[nsfw] some parents find their teenager’s browser history

It’s full of s&m porn.

Mom says: well what are we going to do?

Dad says: what do you mean?

Mom says: well.. we can’t *spank* him.

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Isaac Newton died a virgin, which means I have a one up on one of history's greatest scientists

Because I'm not dead.

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A teacher said to her class, "Let's review some American history..."

"...Who said: 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up:

"Patrick Henry, 1775," he answered.

"Very good! Who said: 'Government of the People, by the People, for t...

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A Kid Comes Home From School

He tells his father his mathematics teacher wants to see him. His father asks why and kid says "well he asked me what is 6x7 and i said 42 then he asked me what is 7x6 and i said what the fuck is the difference?" his father says "ok i will visit your teacher when i have time.".



Next ...

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I recently fell in love with Naval History

World War II submarines in particular fascinates me. Japan's I-400-class and the US's Gato class submarines are my absolute favorites. These are the subsifellfor.

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A brief history of WWII, told as a bar joke:

An Italian, a German, and an Austrian walk into a bar.

In the bar there’s an American, an Englishman, and a Frenchman, and a Japanese man.

The Frenchman starts talking smack, but when the German throws a punch he immediately surrenders and runs out of the bar.

Meanwhile the Engl...

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WIFE: I found porn in the browser history

ME: \*feigning surprise\* I see. Guess it’s time I had a talk with our son

WIFE: \*rolls eyes\* He’s 3, Patches

ME: \*nodding\* I’ll go easy on him

According to history, Julius Caesar was so religious...

...that he died a holy man.

My grandad went down in history...

...and he once fingered a girl in geography.

Who is the most famous donkey in history?

Donkey-ottie

President Trump said "No politician in history — and I say this with great surety — has been treated worse or more unfairly."

I guess the 6 Presidents who were shot no longer count





*edit had 4 in post originally

We all know that Hitler is one of the worst people in history, but he may also be one of the best.

He killed Hitler after all.

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Our local hospital made medical history.

A boy was born with no eyelids.When they circumsised him they were able to take the foreskin and graft it above his eyes for,wholla,eye lids.The operation was successfull, although ,he might come out a little cockeyed.

The year is 2540, a student notices something odd about his history book

“How come these textbooks skip the years 1990 through 1999?” He asks

The teacher puts down his marker, lowers his head and sighs.

“Because...” he lifts his head, a single tear rolls down his cheek, “...only 90’s kids remember the 90’s”

Several epidemics throughout history have many similarities in characteristics.

For example, many diseases evolved from poor hygiene between animals and humans and a rise in urban population and interregional communication. Many had very similar effects and modes of transmission.

Because of the similarities, many historians are looking into allegations of these diseases ...

I used to be a history teacher but I quit...

I just couldn't see a future in it.

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The Hindenburg is the greatest feat of aeronautical engineering in all of human history

Edit: Holy shit this blew up

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Three school teachers go to the nude beach: the math teacher, the history teacher, and the logics teacher. Suddenly, the female principal goes by them. So the math and history teacher put their newspapers on their private parts, while the logics teacher puts it on his face.

After the principal leaves, the first two ask the logics teacher: Why did you put your newspaper on your face? She clearly saw your junk!

That's the thing! I'm mostly recognised by my face!

Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history

Is that genealogy or geology?

If you go to this website while using someone's phone you can see their entire search history even from private browsing

Would be a terrifying thing to read if it was true

I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.

How did she find out the password to my computer?

If you could kill one person in history who would you kill?

Myself, I’d target the person who killed Hitler.

My nerdy friend just got a Ph.D. on the history of palindromes.

We now call him Dr.Awkward.

A bit of history

In the Victorian era the rich people drank tea from bone china cups while the poorer classes had to use earthen-ware mugs. Bone china can stand the shock of having boiling water poured directly into it but earthen-ware can't. So the upper classes would pour their teas and then add the milk but the l...

I've always wanted to be a train engineer. I spent 15 years in engineering school, 10 years learning about train history, and 5 years learning how to operate a train.

I really thought I would've been trained by now.

Hey, I'm not saying Hitler was a great guy.

But he really saved the History channel.

My mom: son, why did I find "how to delete your history" in your history?

Me: because it was useless.

In an American history discussion group, a professor is trying to explain how society’s idea of beauty changes with time.

“For example,” he says, “the winner of the Miss America pageant in 1921 stood five foot one, weighed only 108 pounds, and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she’d do in today’s version of the contest?”



The class was silent until one woman comments, “She’d lose for sure.”...

My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”

I answered, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”

When it comes to Hitler, history hasn't been very kind to him. But people seem to forget that he.....

.....did kill Hitler

My nephew was doing his history homework and asked me what I knew about Galileo?

I said, "He was a poor boy, from a poor family."

Whoever wins the MegaMillions jackpot will make history

They'll be the first billionaire to pay taxes

This is now the longest government shut down in US History. In lighter news, if seeing who will crack first on the border wall is prolonging it, then this shut down truly is...

a Mexican stand off.

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A mom and dad read their son’s browsing history

On it, they find that the son had been watching porn featuring mentally handicapped people.

The mom says “This is disgusting, I don’t even know what you would call this.”

The dad says “Yeah, it’s just fucking stupid.”

What is the warmest period in the history of the world's climate called?

Climax.

History tends to judge Hitler rather harshly. He really wasn't that bad.

After all, he killed Hitler.

What do you say when you finally get the book about the history of herbs you've been waiting for?

It's about thyme.

I’m making a documentary on the history of female menstruation...

It’s a period piece.

What does someone with a history or violence who digs up coal, and an 11 year old who swears at you during online hames have in common?

They're both offensive minors.

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A lawyer in Los Angeles helped make history last month

His client was a UPS driver accused of sexually harassing a woman while dropping off a package. He figured his best chance to win was to fill the jury with people who saw this behaviour as normal. So, he manipulated the process to fill the jury exclusively with male porn stars. It was the first time...

A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”

The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"

The history of human evolution is confusing...

There’s so many *Homos*, it’s hard to keep them all straight.

The history of MANKIND is just as mysterious as the word itself.

MANKIND is made up of two words, MANK and IND. What do these two words mean? We will never know.

I spotted my ex girlfriend on the other side of the museum hall, but I was too self-conscious to go say hello.

There was just too much history between us.

A western guy gets a job polishing statues in a natural history museum in India

Before he starts working, some locals warn him of the last man who did this job. "Ve should inform you that the insect exhibit is cursed and the poor man's kid vound up dead after he vas seen cleaning here."

The guy says to them, "sounds like a bunch of superstitious nonsense!" and proceeds t...

I don't have to worry about my browser history anymore

Whatever I search comes back as Facebook Ads

To his great surprise, Bob won the largest lottery in history.

Unsure what to do with his newfound fortune, he decided to build the world's biggest ship. It was 10 miles long and 3 miles wide; a floating city. Once the ship was complete, Bob had to hire thousands of people to work on it and make it run properly. He held mass interviews and hired sailors, police...

My history teacher always makes this joke so I just wanted to share it. Government conferences shouldn't be called conferences.

They should be called government man dates.

What would the greatest hockey player in history be called if he would have chosen not to play hockey?

Wayne Regretzky

Recently I visited Germany. I hated everything in there. The people, the history, the language. But, oh god, the smell...

...it was the wurst.

R2D2 is the most obscene character in film history

They had to beep out every word he said

Interesting piece of history

Somewhere in the dawn of time, the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.


In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

We had a history exam on medieval defense methods

I got an A for a fort

History lesson for blondes

A history teacher has a class of 20 blondes. He asks to the class:

Can any one of you show me where America is on the map?

Nancy gets up, walks to the map and puts her finger exactly where America is.

Excellent, says the teacher. Now can anyone tell me who discovered...

Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?

Joseph Smith

During a history lesson at a German school, Little Hans asks his teacher a question.

"Teacher, is it true that Russia has the longest street in the world?"

"I'm not sure" he replies, "why do you ask?"

"Well," Little Hans replies, "my grandpa told me he crawled one street in Stalingrad for four months, and he never reached the end of it."

Did you guys know that the Soviet Union made the best bread in history?

People would wait days in line for a single piece!

What do geology and history have in common?

It's always Europe's fault

A professor teaches his students about Chinese history

Professor: Allright class, let me start off today with a fun fact. During early industrial times, a lot of British engineers went to China to start up new businesses there, because of their low taxation rates. Because of this huge increase in migration, the Chinese government invested in the proper ...

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Moments in history - generic name for Viagra.

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a gener...

Today I learned the history of the word noodles

Back in ancient Asian territory, they created a food product. They chose to trade it with the Western world. When asked what they called this food, they realised they didn't have a name for it yet. It was a great food that always ended with empty bowls, so they decided to take the English words 'nau...

Who do you think was one of the most open minded president(s) in history?

I would have to say John F Kennedy and Abraham Lincoln.

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Who was the greatest prostitute in history?

Ms. Pacman. For 25 cents, she swallowed balls until she died.

Those who fail to learn history are doomed to repeat it

But those who fail to delete their history are doomed to explain it.

Everyone thinks Muhammad Ali was the best boxer in history, but Jim Jones had a way higher number of KO's...

900 with just one punch.

YouTube Rewind 2018 now has the most dislikes through YouTube history.

Just like they said,

We control rewind

A wife tells her husband that she's discovered his secret fetish via his search history...

"It was a weird one for sure," she says, "but I think I can make it work without being too embarrassed, as long as you don't film it." He accepts.

Later that night, he asks her if she wants to try it. She smiles, begins to undress, and goes "SKIPPITY BEE BOP BEE BOP DUP-A DUAAA"

My history teacher told me to research about German mining

So I gave her mein shaft

Russian history in 5 words:

"And then things got worse."

I have a degree in men's studies.

It's called "world history".

#TRUMP 2016! YOU CAN'T STUMP THE TRUMP!

A British tourist visits Australia. The customs officer asks him “do you have any criminal history?”

The tourist replies, “I didn’t know that was still required!”

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My history teacher told me a joke about WW2 today...

If you have unknown troops in front of you and you want to find out who they are, fire a few rounds in their direction.

If you are met with precision machine gun fire, they’re German.

If you are met by a volley of precision rifle fire, they are British.

If they surrender, they’r...

I did an ancestry.com family history today and found out that my great grandfather helped Rosa Parks initiate the civil rights movement

He was the guy who said, "Get up, that's my seat."

Why was Sir Edmund Halley the funniest astronomer in history?

Because the joke is always in the comets

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Landing on the Moon

In 1969, in the months leading up to the Moon landing, the Apollo 11 astronauts trained in a remote moon-like desert in the western United States. One day as they were training, the astronauts came across an old Native American.


‘What are you doing here?’ the old man asked.


‘We...

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