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A teacher said to her class, "Let's review some American history..."

"...Who said: 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up:

"Patrick Henry, 1775," he answered.

"Very good! Who said: 'Government of the People, by the People, for t...

Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history

Is that genealogy or geology?

The year is 2540, a student notices something odd about his history book

“How come these textbooks skip the years 1990 through 1999?” He asks

The teacher puts down his marker, lowers his head and sighs.

“Because...” he lifts his head, a single tear rolls down his cheek, “...only 90’s kids remember the 90’s”

I used to be a history teacher but I quit...

I just couldn't see a future in it.

President Trump said "No politician in history — and I say this with great surety — has been treated worse or more unfairly."

I guess the 6 Presidents who were shot no longer count





*edit had 4 in post originally

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The Hindenburg is the greatest feat of aeronautical engineering in all of human history

Edit: Holy shit this blew up

I've always wanted to be a train engineer. I spent 15 years in engineering school, 10 years learning about train history, and 5 years learning how to operate a train.

I really thought I would've been trained by now.

In an American history discussion group, a professor is trying to explain how society’s idea of beauty changes with time.

“For example,” he says, “the winner of the Miss America pageant in 1921 stood five foot one, weighed only 108 pounds, and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she’d do in today’s version of the contest?”

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The class was silent until one woman comments, “She’d lose ...

My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”

I answered, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”

Culinary History

A young man had just returned home from culinary school and was telling his family about everything he had learned.


"The most interesting thing I learned was about the French Fry", he told them.

"Combing through historical records, we found that it was not first fried in France!"...

If you could kill one person in history who would you kill?

Myself, I’d target the person who killed Hitler.

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A mom and dad read their son’s browsing history

On it, they find that the son had been watching porn featuring mentally handicapped people.

The mom says “This is disgusting, I don’t even know what you would call this.”

The dad says “Yeah, it’s just fucking stupid.”

My nerdy friend just got a Ph.D. on the history of palindromes.

We now call him Dr.Awkward.

The largest law in Australian history was recently proposed. It only impacts women.

Huge she-law, that one is.

My nephew was doing his history homework and asked me what I knew about Galileo?

I said, "He was a poor boy, from a poor family."

Hey, I'm not saying Hitler was a great guy.

But he really saved the History channel.

What is the warmest period in the history of the world's climate called?

Climax.

This is now the longest government shut down in US History. In lighter news, if seeing who will crack first on the border wall is prolonging it, then this shut down truly is...

a Mexican stand off.

When it comes to Hitler, history hasn't been very kind to him. But people seem to forget that he.....

.....did kill Hitler

My Grandad was a great man and went down in history

And on one occasion he fingered a girl in geography.

What do you say when you finally get the book about the history of herbs you've been waiting for?

It's about thyme.

History tends to judge Hitler rather harshly. He really wasn't that bad.

After all, he killed Hitler.

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[OC] Two police officers are talking about what they think was the most expensive crime/robbery in history.

The first officer talks for a few minutes about a bank robber who stole millions of dollars, and had over 50 heists, which he did single handedly, and has still never been caught to this day.

The second officer however, has a much more interesting tale.

“His name was Jack “Richy” Brigg...

Whoever wins the MegaMillions jackpot will make history

They'll be the first billionaire to pay taxes

What does someone with a history or violence who digs up coal, and an 11 year old who swears at you during online hames have in common?

They're both offensive minors.

I’m making a documentary on the history of female menstruation...

It’s a period piece.

I don't have to worry about my browser history anymore

Whatever I search comes back as Facebook Ads

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A lawyer in Los Angeles helped make history last month

His client was a UPS driver accused of sexually harassing a woman while dropping off a package. He figured his best chance to win was to fill the jury with people who saw this behaviour as normal. So, he manipulated the process to fill the jury exclusively with male porn stars. It was the first time...

The history of MANKIND is just as mysterious as the word itself.

MANKIND is made up of two words, MANK and IND. What do these two words mean? We will never know.

A western guy gets a job polishing statues in a natural history museum in India

Before he starts working, some locals warn him of the last man who did this job. "Ve should inform you that the insect exhibit is cursed and the poor man's kid vound up dead after he vas seen cleaning here."

The guy says to them, "sounds like a bunch of superstitious nonsense!" and proceeds t...

What would the greatest hockey player in history be called if he would have chosen not to play hockey?

Wayne Regretzky

A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”

The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"

Recently I visited Germany. I hated everything in there. The people, the history, the language. But, oh god, the smell...

...it was the wurst.

The history of human evolution is confusing...

There’s so many *Homos*, it’s hard to keep them all straight.

My history teacher always makes this joke so I just wanted to share it. Government conferences shouldn't be called conferences.

They should be called government man dates.

I spotted my ex girlfriend on the other side of the museum hall, but I was too self-conscious to go say hello.

There was just too much history between us.

To his great surprise, Bob won the largest lottery in history.

Unsure what to do with his newfound fortune, he decided to build the world's biggest ship. It was 10 miles long and 3 miles wide; a floating city. Once the ship was complete, Bob had to hire thousands of people to work on it and make it run properly. He held mass interviews and hired sailors, police...

We had a history exam on medieval defense methods

I got an A for a fort

History lesson for blondes

A history teacher has a class of 20 blondes. He asks to the class:

Can any one of you show me where America is on the map?

Nancy gets up, walks to the map and puts her finger exactly where America is.

Excellent, says the teacher. Now can anyone tell me who discovered...

Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?

Joseph Smith

What do geology and history have in common?

It's always Europe's fault

Interesting piece of history

Somewhere in the dawn of time, the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.


In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

During a history lesson at a German school, Little Hans asks his teacher a question.

"Teacher, is it true that Russia has the longest street in the world?"

"I'm not sure" he replies, "why do you ask?"

"Well," Little Hans replies, "my grandpa told me he crawled one street in Stalingrad for four months, and he never reached the end of it."

R2D2 is the most obscene character in film history

They had to beep out every word he said

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Moments in history - generic name for Viagra.

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a gener...

Today I learned the history of the word noodles

Back in ancient Asian territory, they created a food product. They chose to trade it with the Western world. When asked what they called this food, they realised they didn't have a name for it yet. It was a great food that always ended with empty bowls, so they decided to take the English words 'nau...

Did you guys know that the Soviet Union made the best bread in history?

People would wait days in line for a single piece!

Those who fail to learn history are doomed to repeat it

But those who fail to delete their history are doomed to explain it.

A professor teaches his students about Chinese history

Professor: Allright class, let me start off today with a fun fact. During early industrial times, a lot of British engineers went to China to start up new businesses there, because of their low taxation rates. Because of this huge increase in migration, the Chinese government invested in the proper ...

YouTube Rewind 2018 now has the most dislikes through YouTube history.

Just like they said,

We control rewind

My history teacher told me to research about German mining

So I gave her mein shaft

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Who was the greatest prostitute in history?

Ms. Pacman. For 25 cents, she swallowed balls until she died.

A British tourist visits Australia. The customs officer asks him “do you have any criminal history?”

The tourist replies, “I didn’t know that was still required!”

Everyone thinks Muhammad Ali was the best boxer in history, but Jim Jones had a way higher number of KO's...

900 with just one punch.

A wife tells her husband that she's discovered his secret fetish via his search history...

"It was a weird one for sure," she says, "but I think I can make it work without being too embarrassed, as long as you don't film it." He accepts.

Later that night, he asks her if she wants to try it. She smiles, begins to undress, and goes "SKIPPITY BEE BOP BEE BOP DUP-A DUAAA"

Who do you think was one of the most open minded president(s) in history?

I would have to say John F Kennedy and Abraham Lincoln.

As an entomologist, people are always asking me about the history of words...

It really bugs me.

Why was Sir Edmund Halley the funniest astronomer in history?

Because the joke is always in the comets

History class in Russia

During a history lesson, the teacher asks her students, “OK class, who knows what event, consequential for the history and culture of the Russian people, took place in 1799?”

From the back of the class, a student raises his hand and answers, “Our greatest poet Alexander Sergeevich Pushkin was...

Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"

​

The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were sixty five million years old when I started working here, and that was...

Confederate supporters say that we need to leave their statues up to teach history, and that is absolutely true

After all, it's not like they can read.

A documentary about the history of the computer desktop was recently given an R rating...

Turns out every icon was a little graphic.

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Who’s the biggest hoe in history?

Ms. Pac-man, because for 25 cents she swallows balls until she dies.

Russian history in 5 words:

"And then things got worse."

I have a degree in men's studies.

It's called "world history".

#TRUMP 2016! YOU CAN'T STUMP THE TRUMP!

What does a Instagram teenager do for his history report?

Lincoln bio

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My history teacher told me a joke about WW2 today...

If you have unknown troops in front of you and you want to find out who they are, fire a few rounds in their direction.

If you are met with precision machine gun fire, they’re German.

If you are met by a volley of precision rifle fire, they are British.

If they surrender, they’r...

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Black people have black history day so what do white people have?

Father’s Day

I did an ancestry.com family history today and found out that my great grandfather helped Rosa Parks initiate the civil rights movement

He was the guy who said, "Get up, that's my seat."

There's a beautiful irony in the fact the history channel is showing less and less history...As if the history

Is in the past.

What is the best cheese in the history of the world?

GOAT cheese

Everybody is saying Harvey Weinstein is the worst person in history, but I think they're forgetting that Hitler is the worst person in history

I mean if he finished what he started, we wouldn't have to deal with Weinstein

I did really well on my Roman history test.

I got a C.

Winners write history

And losers like to point this out