My nerdy friend got a Ph.D on the History of Palindromes.

He’s now Dr.Awkward.

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Issac Newton died a virgin so I already one up a genius from history

Because I'm not dead.

So a kid is talking to his dad and he says “hey Dad why i s my sister named make up tutorials” and the dad says “oh that’s what was in your mom‘s search history “. And the kids respond “OK a little weird but thanks”

And the dad says “no problem “

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Medusa has to be the sexiest woman in history

I mean one glance and you're hard

First the first time in US history communication with the President has been completely lost.

>!The senate has been scrambling since the presidents ban from Twitter, as it’s unclear when the White House will resurface.!<



>!Edit: I don’t know how to prevent the post body from being visible from the subs main page. Also, thanks for sorting by new!<

1915-17 may have been the worst years in human history for food poisoning.

1.5 million Armenians died from bad turkey.

What is the worst part of ancient history class?

The teachers tend to Babylon.

I'm reading a book on the history of glue.

I just can't seem to put it down.

A Samoan man gave me a detailed history and explanation of his heritage, culture, and the country in which he was raised

Those specific islanders!

A Canadian research team has made history by freezing mice to temperatures of absolute zero.

Animal rights groups are outraged by the cruel tests performed on the animals.

But they’ll be 0K.

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The family history of Jack Schitt

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" So, I just researched about his family history for y'all.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Miss O. Needeep They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Sch...

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Ancient History

Their usual English teacher was sick, and a substitute wanted to engage the class personally. "Tell me
what you last name is and tell you the story behind it".

Jack Faulkner was first. "Your great-great grand father must have trained falcons for a nobleman, to use in hunting
wild animal...

A dog walks into a natural history museum

Asking for a piece of the new dinosaur exhibit to prove an important theory

In return the dog offered what looked like a tiny black speck encased in amber

The research assistant was visiting from Ireland and was very much out of his intellectual depth. Not wanting to seem ignorant, the...

Yesterday, I watched a documentary on the history of the WD-40.

It was non friction.

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The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the 5th grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Jose :"Abraham Lincoln, 1863....

History's biggest irony is that the Russian alphabet has no lowercase letters

It's all Capitalization.

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Today in history class, I learned that Hitler was gay,

he was Europe's most feared dick taker.

What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?

She grated it.

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The Logical Redneck

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.

"What's Logic?" the first redneck asks.

The professor answers by saying, "Let me giv...

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A Native American chief was teaching his son the history of their tribe.

“Father, how do we get our names?” asked the boy.

“Well son, you see, in our culture we are named in honor of the first ‘spirited ones’ our mothers see when the child is delivered.” explained the Chief.

“My father, Soaring Eagle was named for the great bald eagle that circled outside ...

Russian history in 5 words:

"And then things got worse."

A Canadian visits a small church while on holiday in Scotland.

The Canadian is intrigued by the intricately carved pulpit and, being something of a history buff, would like to know more about it so approaches the little old vicar.

"Excuse me sir, would you be so kind as to tell me what the pulpit is made of?"

"Aye. Wood."

"You would?"
...

For the first time in human history, when a parent tells their child "stop touching yourself"...

...the parent is referring to the child's FACE.

I just started a short book on the history of luminance.

It's a little light reading.

My Grandad went down in history

He also fingered a girl in geography

The longest circumcision in history

I had this mate and he used to go on about it his job all the time, you know the type? Work, work, work! Well this was particularly annoying in his case, as he was a professional circumciser.

I said to him one day do you enjoy your work? And off he went...

He said yes it’s a fantasti...

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Who’s the biggest prostitute in history?

For 25 cents Ms Pac-Man would eat balls until she DIED

Donald John Trump is the 3rd President in American history to be impeached

Well at least he finally won the popular vote

A guy is golfing by himself and shanks a ball hard.

He yells, "Goddamn it all to hell!"

St. Peter hears him and asks God, "Aren't you going to do anything about that?"

God says, "Yep."

Next hole is a long par five over water ending in a dog leg. The guy tees up and crushes the ball. It hits the water but just as it does, a turtle...

What do you call a written copy of Chinese history from Tiananmen Square?

[REDACTED]

As a lover of history, I always wondered how Genghis Khan would seek shelter whilst traversing various regions of the vast Mongol empire

Then it struck me. Finally! A regional Khan tent.

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Hitler dies and is sent to hell.

He spends 30 earthly years there being tourtured and abused, going through worse than he even could imagine.

After this time, god calls him up for a talk, considering a pardon. He asks Hitler: "If I sent you back to earth today, what would you do?"

Hitler answers "I would load all the ...

The college basketball team at Indiana University had just finished their worst season in school history.

The head coach, Bob, knew the team needed a different approach next year.

In the off season, Bob was driving around town when he saw a panhandler at a stoplight, and realized that this panhandler was around college age, and looked close to 7 feet tall. Bob stopped his car to talk to him and ...

Interviewer: How do you explain this four year gap in your employment history?

Me: That was when I went to Yale

Interviewer: Wow! That's great. You're hired!

Me: Thanks, I really need this yob.

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Future historians will have difficulties studying about our pornstars

because we delete them from our history.

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Hitler is judged harshly by history, but let's not ignore the heroic acts he performed, like....

He killed Hitler

The Nurse Asked My Family's Medical History Today at the Doc's Office

Nurse: "Do you have siblings?"

Me: "Yes, a younger brother.

Nurse: "Does he have any medical issues?"

Me: "He broke his finger on his right hand hitting someone in a bar fight."

Nurse: "Oh, okay. Anything else?"

Me: "He's battl...

I recently subscribed to Asian Maritime History Monthly...

but haven't received a single issue. Then I remembered I had "No junk mail" on my door.


This is the worst, super specific pun I've come up with so far.

An airplane was about to crash..

There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.
The 1st passenger said “I am Stephen Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can’t afford to die.” So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said...

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Gordon Ramsey is teaching his kids Egyptian history.

Gordon Ramsey : (Holding a picture) Who is this?

Kids : It's Anubis.

Gordon Ramsey : It's fucking Ra !!!!

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A man is about to go to a stag party with his friends.

Before he heads off, his girlfriend of 3 years tells him "You've had a history of getting stupidly drunk and leaving me to babysit you every time you come back on nights out like these. If you come back to our house drunk like that tonight, we're through."

The man agrees with her, and heads o...

There was a short period of time in ancient history when offenders were not only nailed to a cross, but also burned alive

Fortunately, the practice ended and very few people were crucifried

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[nsfw] some parents find their teenager’s browser history

It’s full of s&m porn.

Mom says: well what are we going to do?

Dad says: what do you mean?

Mom says: well.. we can’t *spank* him.

Hundreds of years after their deaths, Galileo, Leonardo Da Vinci, and Marco Polo are walking in heaven and decide to have a conversation with Jesus...

Galileo says, “Jesus, I’ve been thinking about my past life on Earth, and I wanted to know what I am remembered for all these years later.”

Jesus pauses and replies, “Galileo, you are remembered as the Father of Modern Physics. By being one of the first to apply mathematics to motion, you le...

History will judge us not by the world we leave behind for our children...

but by the world we leave behind for Betty White.

Knock knock...

Who’s there?

History

History who?

History

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two old men are arguing about history and the spendors of athens and rome.

the Greek man says "Look, all I'm saying is that the Greeks invented everything the Romans get credit for!"

The Italian says "Yes, may be, but the Romans improved it and made it useful!"

The Greek man says "We invented the Democracy!"

The Italian says "We realized the challenge ...

Greatest weight loss program in history

EU will lose billions and billions of pounds when Britain leaves

Arnold Schwarzenegger and his classmates were sitting in music class when their teacher announced they would be putting on a play about the history of classical music.

She explained “Each one of you will select a different classical composer to play on stage. Arnold, you get to pick first.”

Everyone turned to look at Arnold and the room got quiet. Arnold stared intently at the teacher and made his decision known.

“I’ll be Bach.”

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My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"

I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is fucking annoying sometimes.

The Old Golfer"

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a
good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a
gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my l...

My sister always said she’d go down in history. But I didn't believe her.

Looking back, that’s probably why she got such good marks.

Someone asked me during lunch, "what subjects do we have later?"

I replied, "literature, and the rest... is history!"

A native american man lived in the big city all his life.

Then one day his father dies. When he goes home to the reserve for the funeral, the people all nominate him to be the new chief, since he was a successful businessman and his father was a good chief. He accepts.

But then that autumn, they people come to him and ask him if it will be a cold w...

Dad, why is my sister called Makeup Tutorial?

Because it was in your mom's browser history.

Ok, thank you dad.

No problem,

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A group of four lifelong hunters decided to end their careers in the best way possible.

They'd taken down the most dangerous game to be found, all over the world. From saltwater gators, to bull elephants. They were renowned worldwide for having bagged a giant squid some few years back, but they were getting on in age and knew that they'd be unable to keep up with the youngsters before ...

My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.

He's really good, knows his stuff forwards and backwards.

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The Hindenburg is the greatest feat of aeronautical engineering in all of human history

Edit: Holy shit this blew up

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Have you heard that the local bakery family has a history of having sex with each other?

They were in bread.

President Trump said "No politician in history — and I say this with great surety — has been treated worse or more unfairly."

I guess the 6 Presidents who were shot no longer count





*edit had 4 in post originally

Autocorrect might have been invented by history's greatest scientist.

Albeit Einstein would disagree.

Robert Mugabe, an unpopular dictator from an African nation, visited Israel with his top government officials.

Unfortunately, he died during the visit. The Israelis offered to bury him in Israel for free, explaining that it will save money that can be used to help the poor people of his country. His entourage discussed the proposition and declined the offer saying that they'd rather bring back the remains of...

There was a pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers

He was a man who led with gentleness, faith, and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world.

As the pope approached the Gates of heaven, St Peter greeted him in a firm embrace. "Welcome, Your Holiness. Your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life has...

My dad threw every social studies book away except one

It was history...

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Patient walks into the doctors office

Patient walks into a doctor’s private office and sees that the doctor has a worried look on his face. The patient asks with a nervous smile “what’s wrong doc, what’s wrong with me?”
The doctor looks at him and asks “can you tell me if your family has any history of Alzheimer’s or dementia”
...

For the first time in their franchise history the Washington National’s are World Series champions

Scherzer threw his glove out of the way and everybody started crowding the mound, jumping up and down with pure joy. Man the expressions on their faces were completely Bryceless!

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Hitler was one of the greatest men in history.

While many despise Hitler, it must be remembered that even with everything he did, he still killed one of the worst monsters ever to walk the Earth.

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A man who is terrible at remembering people's names starts talking to a beautiful woman at a party

They enjoy talking to each other, some sparks happen, and they agree to meet again the next day.

He asks her for her name, and she replies 'Franny'.

He says 'It's been lovely to meet you Franny, my name is John. I'm really looking forward to see you again tomorrow' and they part ways...

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What was the worst miscommunication in history?

Hitler: “No! You idiots! I said I hated juice! JUICE!!!”

The year is 2540, a student notices something odd about his history book

“How come these textbooks skip the years 1990 through 1999?” He asks

The teacher puts down his marker, lowers his head and sighs.

“Because...” he lifts his head, a single tear rolls down his cheek, “...only 90’s kids remember the 90’s”

Whoever wins the MegaMillions jackpot will make history

They'll be the first billionaire to pay taxes

Fun history fact...

In 1872 the Welsh invented the condom using the length of a sheep’s intestines.
However in 1873 the English somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the sheep first....

Did you guys know that the Soviet Union made the best bread in history?

People would wait days in line for a single piece!

History....

I was thinking of doing Hisory in uni

But I couldn't see any future in it.

A time traveler comes back from the year 2045

I encountered a time traveler today. During my self isolation he came to the door dressed in a hazmat suit. I was of course alarmed when I opened the door to such a site. He quickly explained who he was and asked if he could have just a few minutes of my time. I didn't believe anything he was sa...

During a history lesson at a German school, Little Hans raises his hand.

"Teacher," he says, "is it true that Russia has the longest streets in the world?"

"I don't know. Why do you ask?" inquires the teacher.

Little Hans replies, "Well, teacher. My grandpa told me how he crawled one street in Stalingrad for two months and never reached the end of it."

A scientist has made the greatest breakthrough in human history by discovering how to time travel...

..and after global fame and months of planning how to communicate, how to introduce his people and what to bring he and his assistant time travel back to Ancient Egypt as an ambassador to a famous queen. His visit is able to be broadcasted live to the present in front of billions and Egyptians from ...

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I'm writing a book on the history of tampons,

My publisher wants technical writing but I'm thinking of doing a period piece.

Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones.

Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old these bones are?"

The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age ...

In my history class my professor was talking about the American dream.

He asked the German kid if they had a German dream. He responded "Well, we did but no one likes it."

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My wife said this sub is nothing but the same recycled crap over and over.

She is so wrong so I told her to check my history. My last post here says otherwise.

Who are all these guys named Victor?

And why are we trusting them to write history?

I told my girlfriend she should take the time in getting to know me

She then decided to go through my browsing history

I saw my ex girlfriend standing across the museum hall, but I was too self conscious to say hello.

There was just too much history between us.

Do you know which questions is the most asked by someone with a college degree in art or history?

Do you want fries with that?

The UK tested switching to the dollar...

Many years ago, England was considering switching the Pound over to the dollar. As a test run to see how it would fare, they made a run of dollar coins that they distributed to the public.

Not wanting to get them confused with the one pound coins, they decided they would change the Queen's fa...

Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history

Is that genealogy or geology?

History Fact!

In the 1700s men were attracted to woman's natural scent. To stop from being accosted by too many gentlemen callers, a product was developed. Perfumey soaps applied to the clothes would remove and mask any odors. A whole new industry sprung up!

That industry? Laundry DeterGents.

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I like my porn just how I like my search history

Disabled.

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Our local hospital made medical history.

A boy was born with no eyelids.When they circumsised him they were able to take the foreskin and graft it above his eyes for,wholla,eye lids.The operation was successfull, although ,he might come out a little cockeyed.

What do you call an illustrator with a criminal history.....?

Sketchy

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Three school teachers go to the nude beach: the math teacher, the history teacher, and the logics teacher. Suddenly, the female principal goes by them. So the math and history teacher put their newspapers on their private parts, while the logics teacher puts it on his face.

After the principal leaves, the first two ask the logics teacher: Why did you put your newspaper on your face? She clearly saw your junk!

That's the thing! I'm mostly recognised by my face!

I'm still upset they marked me wrong on my 7th grade history test on the question "what did they set up during the French Revolution?"

I maintain that "lots and lots of guillotines" is technically correct...

When I can’t think of a joke I ask my mom

She has a history of making jokes

My wife found “golden showers” in my search history and threatened to leave.

I let her go.

Gotta look out for number one.

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I recently fell in love with Naval History

World War II submarines in particular fascinates me. Japan's I-400-class and the US's Gato class submarines are my absolute favorites. These are the subsifellfor.

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If you could kill one person in history who would you kill?

Myself, I’d target the person who killed Hitler.

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A woman goes to the doctor. “Doc! I have two green spots on my inner thighs. And they’re growing”

The doctor examines her but can’t figure out why the two green spots inside her thighs exist or why they’re slowly getting larger.

The doctor is dumbfounded and finally takes her sexual history.

“Are you in a sexual relationship?”

“Yes doc. With my boyfriend.”

“Tell m...

Scientists found the most short-living things...

...when they checked my reddit post history

The true reason behind why Germany 's government aid artist in time of crisis

Because they have seen what an artist from Austria was capable of during the great recession.


P.s go read some ww2 history if u dont get it

History of Abuse

In Dallas Tx- A fifteen-year old boy was at the center of Dallas Tx courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child cus...

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Wrestling

The World Wrestling Championship was being held in the UP of Michigan, at the "Paper Clip Center' just outside UMPsville, between the 2 finalists, a American and a Russian. The Russian was known for his "Pretzel Hold". No man in history had got out of the Pretzel Hold. The Russian had won 1 bout and...

Several epidemics throughout history have many similarities in characteristics.

For example, many diseases evolved from poor hygiene between animals and humans and a rise in urban population and interregional communication. Many had very similar effects and modes of transmission.

Because of the similarities, many historians are looking into allegations of these diseases ...

According to history, Julius Caesar was so religious...

...that he died a holy man.

I've always wanted to be a train engineer. I spent 15 years in engineering school, 10 years learning about train history, and 5 years learning how to operate a train.

I really thought I would've been trained by now.

If you think the history channel is bad at midnight.

You should see the staff room.

A robber enters a bank and points a gun at the teller

Robber: Put all the money in the bag or you’re Geography!

Teller: Don’t you mean History?

Robber: Don’t change the subject!

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A brief history of WWII, told as a bar joke:

An Italian, a German, and an Austrian walk into a bar.

In the bar there’s an American, an Englishman, and a Frenchman, and a Japanese man.

The Frenchman starts talking smack, but when the German throws a punch he immediately surrenders and runs out of the bar.

Meanwhile the Engl...

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You know why black people love watching sports?

Easy, cause they dominate that shit.


It's the same reason white people watch the History Channel.

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