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They say history is written by the victors....

But I've never seen an emu write before.

Did you guys know that the Soviet Union made the best bread in history?

People would wait days in line for a single piece!

A Lesson in History

The king wanted to go fishing and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.

So the king and the queen went fishing. On the way they met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and the...

Russian history in 5 words:

"And then things got worse."

I took a class recently on the history of food preservation.

In the early days, metal containers were the cheapest and easiest to make, so almost all food was stored in cans. Tin was a particularly soft and easy to mold/shape, and didn’t rust like other options, so most preserved food cans were made of tin.

Things went great for a while, with some food...

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I like my porn just how I like my search history

Disabled.

While admiring some dinosaur bones in the Museum of Natural History, a tourist asks the guard, "How old are they?"

The guard replies, "They are 73 million, four years, and six months old."

"That's a rather exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

"Well," answers the guard, "The dinosaur bones were seventy three million years old when I started working here, and tha...

Whoever wins the MegaMillions jackpot will make history

They'll be the first billionaire to pay taxes

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Who was the greatest prostitute in history?

Ms. Pacman. For 25 cents she swallowed balls until she died.

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The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the 5th grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Jose :"Abraham Lincoln, 1863....

My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.

Now we call him Dr. Awkward.

Alabama has reported more deaths than births for the first time in it's history

Makes sense considering family get togethers have been restricted

A couple is taking a tour through the Natural History Museum. They ask the tour guide: "How old is this dinosaur skeleton?"

He replies: "It is sixty five million and fourteen years and three months old."

"Wow! It's amazing that you can tell this precise. How do you do that? Is it with carbon dating?"

"I don't know" says the guide. "But when I first came here they told me it was sixty five million years old....

History Lesson

Teacher: 'When was Rome built?'
Sanjay: 'At night, sir.'
Teacher: 'Who told you that?’
Sanjay: 'You did, sir. You once said that Rome was not built in a day.'

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The Hindenburg is the greatest feat of aeronautical engineering in all of human history

Edit: Holy shit this blew up

Studying History makes you numb

but studying Mathematics makes you number.

Your browser history may be spotless,

But your predictive text will betray you.

Who is the worst spy in history?

James Bond. Because everyone knows him.

The invention of the spoon was an important point in human history.

It caused…quite a stir.

History. History. History.

There’s history repeating itself again.

In US Presidential History: Washington could not tell a lie, Nixon could not tell a truth...

and Trump can not tell the difference

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A young university student is failing her history class

So she decides to see if she can, shall we say, convince her professor to give her a passing grade. She does her hair and makeup, puts on a skimpy dress and heels, and goes to his office.

"Professor," she says, "I'm afraid that I might fail your class."

"That's true," he says, barely ...

The first joke in History

Adam and Eve are walking around the Garden of Eden.

Eve tells Adam what appears to be the world’s first ever joke. It’s a good joke, but Adam doesn’t laugh.

Eve asks “didn’t you like my joke?”

Adam says “nah, I’ve already seen it posted and reposted several times on r/joke...

A history degree is useless

Because there's no future in it.

President Trump said "No politician in history — and I say this with great surety — has been treated worse or more unfairly."

I guess the 6 Presidents who were shot no longer count





*edit had 4 in post originally

What do you think is history's SHORTEST joke? My submission is Miss Piggy's 2 worder :

"Pretentious? ...*MOI ?"*

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My history teacher told me a joke about WW2 today...

If you have unknown troops in front of you and you want to find out who they are, fire a few rounds in their direction.

If you are met with precision machine gun fire, they’re German.

If you are met by a volley of precision rifle fire, they are British.

If they surrender, they’r...

I'm writing a theatre script on the history of puns

It's going to be a play on words

I just finished reading a book about the history of WD-40.

It was non friction.

I was looking up the history of past US Presidents and I realized a startling fact.

Statistically, an American President has been indicted on an average of more than two felonies.

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I looked at my roommate's search history. Apparently he's into forbidden desserts?

He keeps searching for "barely legal cream pies."

History Professor

A History Professor is welcoming a fresh intake of undergraduates and decides it is worth having a little fun to settle down the nervous young adults.

He looks at the register to see which students are in his class this semester.

“Do we have a Miss Butcher here?” He asks and a hand i...

The first student walks into the room, where he will take an oral history test.

The teacher asked, "Who is the father of communism?"

The first student replied, "Karl Marx."

The teacher asked, "In what year?"

The first student replied, "1848."

The teacher asked, "Are ghosts real?"

The first student replied, "The Party says no, the people say ye...

For the first time in history, a US president haven't grown old, gray haired and tired by the stressful tasks of his presidency ...

... Instead everyone else did.

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[nsfw] some parents find their teenager’s browser history

It’s full of s&m porn.

Mom says: well what are we going to do?

Dad says: what do you mean?

Mom says: well.. we can’t *spank* him.

Reading a great book at the moment called 'The History of Glue'

I just cant put it down.

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A sixty year old man with a history of heart problems ends up on the transplant list.

After nine years, he finally gets to the top of the list. But it takes another three years to find a suitable donor. His wife goes with him to every appointment with his doctor and every meeting with members of the surgery team. She discusses every aspect of the operation, his medications, his recov...

Why is r/Jokes like history?

Despite knowledge of the past, it still repeats itself.

The history and reasons why France switched to the metric system is very interesting

But to make a long story short, it was Napoleon.

What do you call a ravenous breach of medical history?

A hungry, hungry HIPAA

A Jewish man and a Chinese man were talking.

The Chinese man is proudly telling the Jewish man about his heritage. “We can trace our history back for over 3,000 years,” he exclaims with pride!

“We’ll, that’s very impressive,” replies the Jewish man, “but our history goes back for almost 6,000 years!”

The Chinese man, after some c...

History is such a boring subject..

You never learn something new.

I went for a job as a History Teacher once.

I changed my mind though. I couldn't see any future in it.

What do the “bad parts” of American history and common sense have in common?

They are being wiped from existence.

Chuck Norris hit the longest home run in MLB history

He also caught that ball

A History of Mazda

(I hope this isn't technically a Rule 6 violation)

Mazda is suffering in car sales, and so begins some new lines of products and tag lines.

They get into gardening, bloom bloom,

The military, boom boom,

Condoms, coom coom,

Textiles, loom loom,

Psychedelics,...

A book on the history of clocks has finally been released

It's about time

Stop making history jokes!!

They're getting old.

What do Taylor Swift and Chinese history have in common?

They both have a Blank Space in 1989

Have you heard about the most famous cow in history?

It was Legen-Dairy

I saw my ex girlfriend at the other end of the museum hall, but I was too self conscious to say hello.

There was too much history between us.

When Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history...

Is it called genealogy or geology?

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Chris Pratt, Jesus, and Hitler are sitting in a bar...

Jesus, Chris Pratt, and Hitler are sitting at a bar drinkin' a few brews.

Jesus says, "Hey we should all try and get in the Guinness Book of World Records!"

To which Chris Pratt replies, "Yeah, I bet I could get in it for most loved person in history."

Jesus then says, "and I be...

Two history professors are visiting a nudist camp.

"Excuse me," says one to the other. "But have you read Marx?"
"Yes, the second replied. "I think it's these damned wicker chairs."

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For a brief moment in history, people would listen to Bryan Adams and mutually perform oral sex.

It was summer of 69s.

My Grandfather went down in history…

He also allegedly got a handjob in geography.

A man is laying in the hospital, waiting to be the first person in history to receive a brain transplant.

A doctor comes in and says "Congratulations! But unfortunately since this is a new procedure your insurance isn't going to cover it all. So we're going to give you 3 choices for brains and you can decide which you can afford."


The man says to the doctor "Okay, what are they?"

<...

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Gordon Ramsey is teaching his kids Egyptian history.

Gordon Ramsey : (Holding a picture) Who is this?

Kids : It's Anubis.

Gordon Ramsey : It's fucking Ra !!!!

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The history of the middle finger

I never knew this before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory ov...

The NFL should start showing Dallas Cowboys games on the history channel

Because their fans always love to talk about the past

Who was the funniest pope in history?

**Pope Hilarius** (or **Hilary**) was the bishop of Rome from 19 November 461 to his death on 29 February 468.

I want to name my kid History

Then I will teach them to say every sentence twice.
When other people get confused, they will come and ask me why my child is saying everything twice.
I'll answer, "You know, because History always repeats itself."

Who is the sweetest Saint in history?

St. Rawberry

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March is women’s history month.

It’s also bleeding disorder awareness month, and I think that’s kinda fucked up.

Communism sounds good on paper...

...unless you’re reading a history book.

Greta Thunberg has just been confirmed as a huge polluter.

Her Tweet to Tater-Tot was easily the biggest burn in history.

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Ms. Pac Man is the biggest hoe in history

For 25 cents she swallows until she fucking dies.

Today I learned that both my parents (and their families) have a long history of cardiac problems

I'm heartbroken to say the least.

Who were the greenest Presidents in US history?

The Bushes

What's the worst part about history class?

Teachers tend to Babylon

Little Johnny brought home his history test result, it was 90.

His father was so happy with it. However, his mother, Karen, just couldn't believe her son got 90 in history.

After taking a closer look at the marks, she found that the handwriting style of the 9 and the 0 are different.

"Johnny, you are so busted. Tell me, did you add the 0 to yo...

I just watched a documentary on the history of hospital gurneys

It was very moving.

this terrible day in American history

always reminds me of this dark humor line: "Other than *that* , Mrs Kennedy, how did you like Dallas?"

My ex used to hit me with musical instruments

I didn't know that she had a history of violins.

I have a degree in men's studies.

It's called "world history".

#TRUMP 2016! YOU CAN'T STUMP THE TRUMP!

A kid in my school did a project on the history of rocket science.

It was a blast to the past

History professor trying to make a point

Professor: Can you mention any kings that have brought happiness and laughter into people's lives?

Me: Smo-king, Drin-king and fu*-king

What is the difference between Americans and the British?

Americans think 200 years is a long history, while the British think 200 miles is a long trip.

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE:

"Doctor, I have an ear ache."


2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffec...

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The Logical Redneck

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.

"What's Logic?" the first redneck asks.

The professor answers by saying, "Let me giv...

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Principal walks into a history class

A principal walks in the school grounds to see how well the students do in their classes.

He walks into a history class and asks the teacher to stop the lesson, so he can ask a few questions.

"Tell me, kids... Do you know who killed Julius Caesar?". The classroom stays silent...
...

My worst subject is History.

That must mean I'm good at letting my past go.

What’s the most intense moment in history?

When the mission to take the first cow into space commenced.

The steaks had never been higher.

I made this joke up on the way home from work, sorry if it sucks: A history teacher tells a failing student that those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it.

Student: But history is so boring!

Teacher: Well, if you don't do better you'll be retaking it next year.

Student: What??

Teacher: I TOLD you, those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it!

Oldest jokes in human history - Another s*x joke, Ancient Egypt, 1600 BC.

One of the world's oldest joke was found in the Ancient Egyptian story book known as the Westcar Papyrus

It goes:

# "How do you entertain a bored pharaoh?

# "You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish."

My friend who studies history just reformatted his online notes in time for his finals

Too bad though, war crimes are now justified

A person with a four year degree majoring in history walks into a bar.

They then head behind the counter and start serving drinks.

Worst days in United States history..

.. 9/11 and 11/9

During a history-themed comedy roast night, we couldn't decide whether to roast each other as ancient Roman gods or ancient Egyptian gods.

In the end, we agreed to diss a Greek.

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Two men just got away with the largest Viagra heist in history.

Police say to be on the lookout for hardened criminals.

I have a fondness for "technically true" jokes, like these:

Did you know that the average person has an above-average number of legs? After all, most people have two legs, while a few have none.


Did you know that if you shuffle a deck of cards, the resulting order has likely never existed before in the history of the universe?



Eve...

If my calculator had a history,

it would be more embarrassing than my browser history :P

My high school history teacher was a friggin liar!!!

She would say on a regular basis "history has a tendency to repeat it's self"

To this day I've never seen reruns of the news

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Medusa has to be the sexiest woman in history

I mean one glance and you're hard

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It’s tough trying to explain Japanese history

But I can Samurais it.

I have just finished the entire history of lubricant

It’s the best non friction book I’ve ever read.

The world's oldest recorded joke in history.

I'm a long-time fan of this sub-reddit and frequent up-voter, but I seldomly have anything funny to post, so here is the oldest joke in recorded history, dating back to 1900 BC (almost 4 thousand years ago from ancient Sumeria):

Q: What is something that has never before occurred since time i...

Did you hear they’re selling the house where they filmed American History X?

The interior is okay but it has really bad curb appeal.

Where do people go to learn about what cats sounded like through history?

The mewseum.

I wanted to study History at university, but I was advised not to.

People told me there's no future in it.

There's a beautiful irony in the fact the history channel is showing less and less history...As if the history

Is in the past.

Why were the early days of history called the Dark Ages?

There were many knights.

History is a lot like Imagine Dragons...

It's repetitive, never really good, and somehow only getting worse.

Fun history fact...

In 1872 the Welsh invented the condom using the length of a sheep’s intestines.
However in 1873 the English somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the sheep first....

Modern China's history isn't about what has happened

It's about what hasn't happened

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Soviet Russia. Verbal history exam

The professor asks the first student

"Comrade, what ideology does your father follow?"


"He is a monarchist" replies the student


"And when was our great nation established" asks the professor.


"Tsardom of Russia was established 1547" replies the student ...

The longest circumcision in history

I had this mate and he used to go on about it his job all the time, you know the type? Work, work, work! Well this was particularly annoying in his case, as he was a professional circumciser.

I said to him one day do you enjoy your work? And off he went...

He said yes it’s a fantasti...

I’m pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers

They only care about the dead

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?

He pasta way.
We cannoli do so much.
His legacy will be a pizza history.

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The family history of Jack Schitt

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" So, I just researched about his family history for y'all.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Miss O. Needeep They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Sch...

History Fact!

In the 1700s men were attracted to woman's natural scent. To stop from being accosted by too many gentlemen callers, a product was developed. Perfumey soaps applied to the clothes would remove and mask any odors. A whole new industry sprung up!

That industry? Laundry DeterGents.

My grandpa destroyed 12 German planes during WW2.

He was, without a doubt, the worst mechanic in the history of Luftwaffe

Ladies and Gentlemen of Reddit. I have written history.

History

Found a Chinese history book in the library...

It reads "In 1989 ***Nothing Happened***".

A man walks up to the stage at a stand up night and tells the crowd about his long history of squatting.

After a few seconds of silence, he says “Thank you, I’ll be here all night! Don’t tell the owners though.”

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My wife said this sub is nothing but the same recycled crap over and over.

She is so wrong so I told her to check my history. My last post here says otherwise.

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Bank robber pulls out gun, points it at the teller...

Robber: "Give me all your money or you are GEOGRAPHY!'

Cashier (puzzled) "Did you mean to say "or you're history?"

Robber: "Don't change the subject."

Classic Winston Churchill wit....

These are old and possibly apocryphal, but just in case of the younger redditors haven't heard them:

Bessie Braddock: “Sir, you are drunk.”

Churchill: “And you, Bessie, are ugly. But I shall be sober in the morning."


Truman to Churchill on Churchill's replacement as PM, Clem...

My mate Dave's got a bad history with cobbler's and he refuses to replace his favourite shoes, despite having lots of holes in them.

He said he's got *trusty-shoes...*

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The Redneck Joke

Two Tennessee Rednecks, Bubba and Jim Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.
Bubba turns to Jim Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College, and sign up for some classes." Jim Bob thinks it's a go...

Who was the most open minded president in us history?

JFK

As much as I love Black History Month

Why can’t there a Black Future Month so I know who to bet on in NBA games?

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