They say history is written by the victors....

But I've never seen an emu write before.

Alabama has reported more deaths than births for the first time in it's history

Makes sense considering family get togethers have been restricted

A man is laying in the hospital, waiting to be the first person in history to receive a brain transplant.

A doctor comes in and says "Congratulations! But unfortunately since this is a new procedure your insurance isn't going to cover it all. So we're going to give you 3 choices for brains and you can decide which you can afford."


The man says to the doctor "Okay, what are they?"

<...

What was the most ground-breaking invention in human history?

The shovel

this terrible day in American history

always reminds me of this dark humor line: "Other than *that* , Mrs Kennedy, how did you like Dallas?"

Hundreds of thousands of people throughout history could have died from eating apples daily…

…due to not having access to a Dr when they needed one.

Lesson in History The king wanted to go fishing and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.

So the king and the queen went fishing. On the way they met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and the king asked the man if the fish were biting.

The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm."

The king r...

What's the worst part about history class?

Teachers tend to Babylon

Who were the greenest Presidents in US history?

The Bushes

My high school history teacher was a friggin liar!!!

She would say on a regular basis "history has a tendency to repeat it's self"

To this day I've never seen reruns of the news

Over the next day, Oregon is expected to break the hottest temperatures ever recorded in its entire history, some places as hot as 118°F (47.78°C)

NOT cool.

For the first time in history, a US president haven't grown old, gray haired and tired by the stressful tasks of his presidency ...

... Instead everyone else did.

Entire Russian history in five words

Russian history in five words: "And then things got worse."

History

If you are thinking about paying for the History channel just choose a one year plan as their shows are repetitious.

The History channel always repeats itself.

What would the greatest hockey player in history be called if he would have chosen not to play hockey?

Wayne Regretzky

John F Kennedy, Indira Gandhi, John Lennon...

History shows if you don't want your child assassinated, don't name them after an airport.

Paleontologists are celebrating the finding of the largest dinosaur tibia in recorded history

It's a real shin-dig!

Why were the early days of history called the Dark Ages?

Because there were so many knights.

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Isaac Newton died a virgin, which means I have a one-up on one of history’s greatest scientific genuises

Because I’m not dead.

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an american history professor decided that he wanted a large mural painted in his home.

he called in a famous artist and explained to him that he wanted him to paint what he thought general Custers last thoughts were during his last stand. he went on holiday and he returned see a mural of a large praying heifer with a halo above its head surrounded by many native americans in erotic se...

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Principal walks into a history class

A principal walks in the school grounds to see how well the students do in their classes.

He walks into a history class and asks the teacher to stop the lesson, so he can ask a few questions.

"Tell me, kids... Do you know who killed Julius Caesar?". The classroom stays silent...
...

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When the new school year started, the history teacher was very excited because there were three Native American boys in her class.

She was beside herself with excitement. She asked the first boy to stand up and tell the class what tribe he is from and how he knows this.

The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest. He takes his fist and hits his chest, and says in a booming voice "I am a Cherokee. My father ...

Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it.

It it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it.

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Sammy the sperm...the most fit sperm in history

Sammy the sperm worked out all the time. Cardio, weights, stretching...every time another sperm saw him he was just always working out. Other sperm thought Sammy was weird. One day some of them squiggled over to Sammy and asked him "why on earth was he always doing that?"

"You know...only one...

I looked at my friends browser history and saw that he searched 'How to kill myself'

I still don't know what drove him to the Edge

Scientists Play Hide-and-Seek

All the great scientists throughout history are brought together for a game of hide and seek. They draw straws and Einstein is "it" first. He starts counting back from 100 as all the other great minds run hither and thither looking to hide. Newton runs over to the bushes but Heisenberg is already ...

My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments.

**She had a history of violins.**

Why does the Philippines only have one Olympic gold medal in thier history so far?

Cause there is no Olympic competition for karaoke.

A virus walks into a bar, and sits down. The bartender tells him, "We don't serve your kind here."

The virus is momentarily taken aback by this unexpected and blatant display of bigotry, the likes of which he's only seen in history textbooks.

For a brief moment, he considers the bartender. What kind of life experiences would shape someone into such a pathetic piece of garbage? What happene...

I recently read an article about the history of spices used in curry...

It was a cumin interest story.

My History teacher got so angry that I couldn't translate the sequence 50,1,5,1,500 into Roman Numerals

You could almost say he was Livid.

My nerdy friend got a Ph.D on the History of Palindromes.

He’s now Dr.Awkward.

I used to wonder why my history teachers loved to teach about the Roman Empire so much. I think I get it now.

They both hated vandals and goths.

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A man's orgasm last's only 6-10 seconds, but a boar's orgasm last 40 minutes

Considering the fact that not a single boar in history has paid a mortgage and has been divorced, do you still think that evolution is good for us

What’s the most intense moment in history?

When the mission to take the first cow into space commenced.

The steaks had never been higher.

Technically, Moses was the first man in history to download data from the cloud to his tablet.

Technically, Moses was the first man in history to download data from the cloud to his tablet. And lucky the data is also in the cloud, cause he got angry and smashed his tablet, so he needed a new one to download everything again.

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The history of the middle finger

I never knew this before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory ov...

Santa's suppliers

Due to it being a month before Christmas Santa's main two suppliers are busy at work producing toys.

The two companies, one ran by Himish (Him for short) and one ran by Ep, constantly competed for who had the most efficient elves, and who had the strongest tein breeds (a species of very buff...

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A friend asked what’s the secret to eternal life?

Saying or doing something stupid on the internet. That shit will never be forgotten and you’ll go down in history forever.

Julius Caesar famously had a quick nap before crossing the Rubicon

the rest is history

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The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the 5th grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Jose :"Abraham Lincoln, 1863....

A school teacher invited a Native American to give a presentation to his students about their culture

After discussing history, traditions and lifestyle, the conversation turned to language.

"One of the interesting things about our language," he said, "is that there are no cuss words."

"But then what do you say if you are hammering a nail and accidentally hit your finger?" asked a s...

The year is 2024

The year is 2024 and it’s time to decide a new President of the United States. There are three candidates for the American people to choose from: Joe Biden, looking to hold onto the Presidency, Donald Trump, looking to regain it, and Obama in a sombrero and fake moustache calling himself “Juanbama”....

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I applied to the police academy

The academy head approached me "I am afraid I have to decline your application".

"What's the problem?"

"Your family history. Specifically your mother and father."

"My parents are happily married."

"That's the problem. All cops are bastards."

So there's this bar in New York called Walter's...

So there's this bar in New York called Walter's - it's named after the guy who runs the place, Walter Green. He's an older guy who doesn't understand a lot of technological stuff, and so the bar is plain and simple, just as it was when he first opened it back in the 1960s. One of Walter's regular cu...

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True facts....

\*\*\*\*True Facts\*\*\*\*

1. IN the 1400s, a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb, hence we have 'the rule of thumb'.

2. Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only, Ladies Fo...

A true story that my history teacher told me

President Calvin Coolidge was famous for barely talking at all and not speaking to anyone. While campaigning, a woman encountered him on the street and excitedly said “Mr. President! My friend bet me $20 that I could get you to say three words!” Coolidge simply responded “You lose”

My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”

I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”

I’ve heard it said men have been in charge and called the shots throughout history. So explain this to me:

Why do you need a new fishing license every year while your marriage license never expires?

Today in History class we learned that evil slave traders used to lure and capture Kalahari bushmen by speaking their language to draw them out in the open.

A terrible, early form of click bait.

I’m pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers

They only care about the dead

What do you call ducks that have been a part of U.S. History?

The Bill Of Rights!

I saw my girlfriend’s search history recently. She googled how to make her razor last longer.

I’m glad she considers me hers, but I don’t know how I feel about the nickname Razor.

At the doctor investigating my stomach issues, I was asked if I had a family history of stomach issues

I said “why yes, diarrhea runs in my genes.”

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Considering it's history, West Virginia is mis-named

they should've called it "Left Virginia".

The world's oldest recorded joke in history.

I'm a long-time fan of this sub-reddit and frequent up-voter, but I seldomly have anything funny to post, so here is the oldest joke in recorded history, dating back to 1900 BC (almost 4 thousand years ago from ancient Sumeria):

Q: What is something that has never before occurred since time i...

Help Wanted

There's a dog walking down the street and he sees a sign in a shop window that says:

"HELP WANTED"

"Must be able to type 60 words per minute."

"Must be computer literate."

"Must be bilingual."

"An equal opportunity employer."

So, the dog goes inside and asks...

An Emperor wanted to prove that he was greater than Alexander the Great

So he visited an elderly Council of Historians who had the power to write an Emperor's legacy after his time and spread his fame far and wide.

He asked them, "O Great Historians, what made Alexander a Great King? I wish to be greater than him and the greatest in human history"

And he ...

My worst subject is History.

That must mean I'm good at letting my past go.

A headline from the Dallas Morning News

Dallas Morning News - A 15 year old boy was at the center of a Dallas County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with chil...

Why is it a waste to study history?

Because there is no future in it.

During history class at a German school, Little Hans raises his hand.

"Teacher, is it true that Russia has the longest streets in the world?"

"No, why do you ask?" the teacher asks.

"Well," Little Hans says, "my grandpa told me how he and his buddies crawled one street in Stalingrad for days and never reached the end of it."

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Billy was the first person in his small town to go to college.

After he’d been there a few weeks, he lost all his money at a fraternity card game. He thought about his options and had an idea.

His father had just written him to ask how things were going. Billy wrote back and said, “Dad, you won’t BELIEVE what they can do at this school! They can teach...

What do the “bad parts” of American history and common sense have in common?

They are being wiped from existence.

I made this joke up on the way home from work, sorry if it sucks: A history teacher tells a failing student that those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it.

Student: But history is so boring!

Teacher: Well, if you don't do better you'll be retaking it next year.

Student: What??

Teacher: I TOLD you, those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it!

Guess history repeats itself!

We have Electro Swing, another Pandemic, and a Crashing Stock Market! Looks like the Twenties are back again!

I have just finished the entire history of lubricant

It’s the best non friction book I’ve ever read.

Why was the overweight kid proud of his family's criminal history?

He kept being told stories of how his grandfather and father were both big men and everyone knew they were well hung.

I have to give a talk in college next week, on the history and manufacture of petroleum-based lubricants, so I've spent all day in the local library.

They have an excellent non-friction section.

A Chinese man and a Jewish man were conversing . . .

The Chinese man was proudly explaining the antiquity of his heritage. “We trace our history continuously through many dynasties and cultural periods way back to over 3,500 years ago!”
The Jewish man respectfully replied , “That is very impressive, indeed, but our history began over 6,000 yea...

Steven Yeun makes Oscars history as first Asian American to be nominated for best actor.

Which is honestly disheartening because there are so many Asian American actors in the past who had performances that deserved best actor.

Like Mickey Rooney in "Breakfast at Tiffany's"

Trump is the first person in American history who is refusing to concede and leave the White House despite losing the election.

I think he really wants to be the precedent.

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A little boy in a quaint town was said to be the hairiest person in history.

Even in a small community, where everyone was aware of and understood his plight, living a normal life was difficult. Even though everyone was respectful, the sheer volume of hair and speed at which it grew was a constant hardship. It interfered with the boy's eating, he would overheat quickly durin...

History is a lot like Imagine Dragons...

It's repetitive, never really good, and somehow only getting worse.

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It’s tough trying to explain Japanese history

But I can Samurais it.

Did you hear that more bank robbers have been caught this year than any before in history...

It seems the criminals are refusing to wear masks.

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My history teacher told us that if a nuclear bomb was closely approaching, being flexible would be very helpful.

It's so that you can bend your body and kiss your ass goodbye.

I don't know why they bother with all that science history stuff in class like "Nature abhors a vacuum".

Anyone who's ever had pets knew that already.

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In Texas, close to the border with Mexico, there was a priest who hated Mexicans

That Sunday, after reading the Bible, the priest started his sermon:

"Today we'll reflect on Peter's lie about being a follower of Jesus. That night, Peter acted as a coward and a liar, just like these damn Mexicans we see every day in this town!"

The whole congregation started to shou...

Don’t know much about history. Don’t know much biology. Don’t know much about a science book.

Donald Trump’s resume when he applied to be a presidential candidate.

My grandad went down in history.

.....he also fingered someone in geography.

President Trump said "No politician in history — and I say this with great surety — has been treated worse or more unfairly."

I guess the 6 Presidents who were shot no longer count





*edit had 4 in post originally

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Medusa has to be the sexiest woman in history

I mean one glance and you're hard

Modern China's history isn't about what has happened

It's about what hasn't happened

History's biggest irony is that the Russian alphabet has no lowercase letters

It's all Capitalization.

Ladies and Gentlemen of Reddit. I have written history.

History

As much as I love Black History Month

Why can’t there a Black Future Month so I know who to bet on in NBA games?

Found a Chinese history book in the library...

It reads "In 1989 ***Nothing Happened***".

Smartest president

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said, 'I am LeBron James, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die.' So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2...

The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower and their descendants included senators and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren.
They hired a fine author.
Only one problem arose, how to handle great-uncle George, the criminal, who was executed in the electric chair.
The author said he could handle the story tactfully.
The book...

If my calculator had a history,

it would be more embarrassing than my browser history :P

I just got my test on Canadian history back

I got an Eh+

The new director of the Natural History museum wanted to attract more people, so they started giving dinosaur vertebrae away to newcomers.

Everyone was taken aback.

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A woman went to a synagogue in Poland after the Holocaust to record the history that was nearly lost forever, where she found an unusual tradition she had never seen before.

At the synagogue, when they carried the Torah\*, they would bring it around to everyone who wanted to touch the Torah, which was normal. But when they brought the Torah down the center aisle, the carrier would get down on their knees and knee-walk all the way!

The woman had never heard of thi...

random pandemic question

According to history class, they organized wild orgies in the Middle Ages after the victory over the Plague. Is there anything planned yet? I ask for a friend.

There was a multiple choice history quiz about the states of America.

I went through questions like “Which state is known for fudge?” The answer was A: Michigan. I went through those questions and I got to question 10.

Which state’s capital is Nashville?
A: New York
B: Alabama
C: Tennessee
D: California

I knew this answer. Ten is C.

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Adolf Hitler dies and arrives at the gates of heaven …

Jesus opens the gate and asks what he wants.

“ can I get into heaven ?”asks Hitler.

Jesus looks at him in disbelief “ your joking? You’re Adolf Hitler one of the most hated men in history, responsible for the death and suffering of millions.. I don’t think so!”

Hitler says “ I t...

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The Hindenburg is the greatest feat of aeronautical engineering in all of human history

Edit: Holy shit this blew up

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I like my porn just how I like my search history

Disabled.

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There once was a wasp that lived in a jungle.

This was not your ordinary wasp though; he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would go out into the world and make something of himself,...

An organic bakery advertises that they hire the best people for the job, regardless of criminal history...

I think they should have thought about their name alittle more at Dave's Killer Bread.

I just read a story about songs in history and the pitches in which they were sung.

For example, a march to battle was sung around middle D. Gregorian chants were sung from low D to middle G.

It seems that most, if not all, pirate shanties were sung on the high C’s.

Welcome to Australia!

A British national travelling to Australia on holiday is stopped at customs after getting off the plane. There, the customs agent asks him, "business or pleasure?"

"Pleasure," he replies.

"Anything to declare?"

"Does jet lag count?" the Brit asks with a cheesy smile. The Aussie ...

Did you guys know that the Soviet Union made the best bread in history?

People would wait days in line for a single piece!

Whoever wins the MegaMillions jackpot will make history

They'll be the first billionaire to pay taxes

Army USA - Chines - Russian Poland joke

The commander of the Chinese army troops calls the US and proposes war:

Hello Americans, we want to declare war on you, what do you say?

American: At the moment it is not possible, our troops are in Iraq and Afghanistan, so for economic reasons it is out of the question, call Russia I ...

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[nsfw] some parents find their teenager’s browser history

It’s full of s&m porn.

Mom says: well what are we going to do?

Dad says: what do you mean?

Mom says: well.. we can’t *spank* him.

A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren’t very supportive. They kept telling him to “Get with the times...

New Roman.”

My 10 year old Son just came up with this one and I couldn't be more proud: What's Batman's favourite fruit?

A Banananananananananananananananana

EDIT: Thank you everyone for the awards and kind words! Just to clarify:

* Yes, he does know the 60's batman theme. My partner loves campy batman so it was inevitable. [The Simpsons](https://youtu.be/TQepz5rsS6E?t=88) also made sure of that.
* Gi...

What did the teacher do with her students reports on the history of cheese?

She graded them

In my history class my professor was talking about the American dream.

He asked the German kid if they had a German dream. He responded "Well, we did but no one likes it."

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Gordon Ramsey is teaching his kids Egyptian history.

Gordon Ramsey : (Holding a picture) Who is this?

Kids : It's Anubis.

Gordon Ramsey : It's fucking Ra !!!!

Who was the most open minded president in us history?

JFK

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Soviet Russia. Verbal history exam

The professor asks the first student

"Comrade, what ideology does your father follow?"


"He is a monarchist" replies the student


"And when was our great nation established" asks the professor.


"Tsardom of Russia was established 1547" replies the student ...

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I've been reading a very brief book on the history of Japanese warrior traditions.

It been heavily Samuraised.

What is a woman's favourite subject at school?

History. They are great at bringing up stuff from the past.

The weakening and eventual shut down to the AMOC is expected to reduce total precipitation in North America and increase it in Africa.

Hundreds of millions of North Americans experiencing the worst droughts in history will be like "I guess the rain's down in Africa."

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Who was the greatest prostitute in history?

Ms. Pacman. For 25 cents she swallowed balls until she died.

Music history nerds- What do Wagner’s musical works and his debts have in common?

They both never resolve.




Yes I know this is bad but we’re studying Wagner and the class/professor appreciated it. Carry on with your day.

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If you're concerned about your new partner's sexual history, and you don't want to catch genital warts, imagine you're playing chess, not craps.

So don't roll the dice. Check first, and then mate.

When I was in college I studied History

But that's all in the past.

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Hey, this week is going to be Hitler week on the History Channel!

Just like every fucking week.

The cool thing about being alive at this point in earth's history is...

that you might get to see how it ends.

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The family history of Jack Schitt

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" So, I just researched about his family history for y'all.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Miss O. Needeep They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Sch...

So a kid is talking to his dad and he says “hey Dad why i s my sister named make up tutorials” and the dad says “oh that’s what was in your mom‘s search history “. And the kids respond “OK a little weird but thanks”

And the dad says “no problem “

There was a man who believed that he could cook the best meal ever existed in the history of kitchen culture, and he wanted to show his dish to the most talented an known chefs from all around the world

He invited all the top chefs of the world that he could reach to and organized a nice evening where he would cook and serve his special course. After the chefs came, he went to the kitchen and began cooking. Even though the chefs insisted, he didn't let anyone in and mysteriously prepared his dish.<...

First the first time in US history communication with the President has been completely lost.

>!The senate has been scrambling since the presidents ban from Twitter, as it’s unclear when the White House will resurface.!<



>!Edit: I don’t know how to prevent the post body from being visible from the subs main page. Also, thanks for sorting by new!<

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