Even if you are absolutely freezing...

You are 0K.

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This joke was posted by the user u/propane13 a year ago and it’s brilliant and I thought more people need to see it so here it is (I take absolutely no credit for this)

A fisherman walks into /r/jokes where he meets a bartender. The bartender offers him a drink. The fisherman says he does not have money to pay, so instead he offers a trade-- if he can get the bartender to laugh at his joke, then the bartender should provide a drink for free. The bartender, a smug, ...

My career is absolutely on fire at the moment.

Only problem is that my career is accident and disaster prevention.

My wife just called me and said, "Three of the girls in my office just got some flowers for the holidays. They're absolutely gorgeous!"

I replied, "That's probably why they got flowers then..."

Did you know that the Soviet Union had absolutely zero coal mines?

Crazy fact! I heard however that there were plenty of coal ours though.

Absolutely true story that is not fake

In school, I had a friend named Michael Locke. Every day, me and Michael would meet up at the bus stop and ride the school bus together.

Now, one day in sixth grade I slept over at Michael's house, and I had packed a small alarm clock to wake me up in the morning, because I was a *very* heav...

I absolutely hate the flavor of that pink antacid medicine.

It's pept-abysmal.

No one, absolutely no one at all..

A tree in the woods...

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Athiests: There is absolutely no chance god exists, No way.

Jews: Yahweh

What group of people do airport security absolutely forbid from coming on planes?

Gender fluid.

I absolutely hated my haircut at first

but it’s growing on me

My six year old son told me a joke at dinner tonight and I absolutely loved it.

Son: "Knock, knock"

Me: "Who's there?"

Son: "A chicken"

Me: " "A chicken who?"

Son *interrupting*: "Pew pew pew pew pew!"

Me: .................?

Him: "Get it?! Like it's shooting eggs at you!"

These new diets are getting absolutely ridiculous

Today, some guy was telling me about the joys and benefits of self-cannibalizing. I've never heard anyone that was so full of themself.

I absolutely despise loud music





It's going to be the deaf of me

Absolutely livid. I bought a Hawaiian pizza for lunch and I've just burned it.

Should've cooked it on aloha temperature.

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A man absolutely hated his wife's cat

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed...

I am absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class.

I've never run so far in my life.

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I'm absolutely fuming..

My son got sent home from school yesterday. He has been suspended for running around the girls toilets waving his willy around. Idiotic yes but it seems he had done it for a bet.

Suspension seemed to be a bit harsh, so I rang the headmaster to explain that it was just a bit of tomfoolery gone...

What's an absolutely fail-proof way to make a Redditor curious?

[removed]

Whattaya call someone who seems to have an almost fetishistic obsession with stomping into a comments section, saying something absolutely horrible, and spending the rest of the day slapfighting with whole threads of people calling them an idiot?

A compulsive mass debater.

I remember one time when by dad came home from work, absolutely beaming with happiness

I asked "Why are you do happy, Daddy?"

"Well kiddo, today at work Daddy's boss called him into his office, and invited him to go golfing with some of the other big boss men at the company. I shot the best game of my life, and after I got a hole in one on the last hole, my boss told me I was ...

I was absolutely livid with my doctor. He told me I had a brain tumour.

Naturally, I panicked at first. But I lost it when he said,

“It’s all in your head.”

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Fred loves camping, but his wife absolutely hates it (NSFW)

Every week Fred bugs his wife about it but its the same thing every time, she refuses to go camping. Finally having heard enough his wife says "fine, how about this? I have a list of things that need to be done around the house. If you finish everything on the list by Friday, I'll go camping with y...

My goal is to become an optimist. I have done absolutely nothing for the goal so far ...

... but that’s already a very good start!!!

Absolutely cannot wait for Brexit.

We make nothing in Britain these days;just noticed on the back of my TV it says ‘Built in Antenna’- this is a country I’ve never even heard of.

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My sex drive is absolutely huge....

Currently it's at 10 terabytes!

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So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.

One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is." She replies, "okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But beforeclass ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties. After class is over and the studentsclear out,...

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You might think I'm strange, but my favourite porn is where a kitten is saying "yes" or where a kitten is saying "absolutely"...

Those are my favourite catagrees.

Went out drinking with some friends last night and saw a woman in full church garb getting absolutely plastered.

Weirdest thing I’ve ever seen, bar nun.

I absolutely hate to admit this, but I actually agree with Kavanaugh on this.

“I drank beer with my friends. Almost everyone did. Sometimes I had too many beers. Sometimes others did. I liked beer. I still like beer.”

My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. Body like a Greek statue...

Completely pale, no arms.

Please rate my absolutely horrendous joke

So, two detectives of the NYPD are investigating a murder, and have three suspects:
Bob,
Archibald,
Mark.

Bob being the prime suspect, and Mark being the least suspected of the three.

They take Bob into the interrogation room hoping for a quick and easy confession. However, ...

Two synonymous sentences could have absolutely different meanings.

1. Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
2.Sorry daddy, I've been naughty.

There was a child who was absolutely obsessed with tractors

He had tractor wallpaper, model tractors, pictures of tractors.. everything was about tractors for him.

However, as he grew older his love for tractors faded.

He went to university, married a girl and they had kids.

One day he came home and his house was on fire and his family w...

Confederate supporters say that we need to leave their statues up to teach history, and that is absolutely true

After all, it's not like they can read.

I have absolutely no idea how I got lice.

It’s a real head scratcher.

A woman and her baby get on a bus to head out for some errands. The bus driver mumbles: 'Wow, that's one *ugly* baby!' The woman was absolutely livid and storms to the rear of the bus to sit. The man next to her asked if she was OK. She replied: 'No, the driver just insulted us!'

The man replied: 'You should go back and tell him off! Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'

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The Catholic Church absolutely agrees on homosexuals getting married...

... As long as a gay marries a lesbian.

I’m absolutely done with friends who can’t handle their alcohol.

The other day not even 3 of them could get me out of the club without dropping me.

I absolutely hate the noises that tennis players make at Wimbledon...

What a racquet!

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A Scotsman and his wife were walking past a swanky new restaurant. "Did you smell that food?" she asked. "It's absolutely incredible!" Being a kind hearted Scot he thought, "what the hell, I'll treat her!"

So they walked past it again.

A marsupial fixed me an aromatic beverage, by pouring hot water over cured leaves and it was absolutely delightful! I asked how it was possible to make something so awesome at this level and he responded...

"It’s koala tea."

A man is jogging along the road when he find an absolutely pristine tennis ball on the ground.

It doesn't seem to belong to anyone. So he picks it up and puts it in his pocket.
While waiting at a cross walk another man notices the bulge and asks "What is that?"
"A tennis ball" he replies.
"Oh, that must hurt a lot! I once had a Tennis Elbow"

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Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters.

In a bid to break the ice with his new audience, He asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord!Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz infl...

In Avengers: Infinity War, Thanos absolutely went crazy.

He snapped.

Today I saw this absolutely stunning color that I've never seen before! It was indescribable, but when I blinked, it disappeared.

I guess it was just a pigment of my imagination.

The man entered his home and was absolutely delighted

Someone had stolen every lamp in his home

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There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today, than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections, and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today, than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections, and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

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This absolutely stunning girl catches me looking at her so she walks up to me and says "I'll fuck you for $100".

This girl was way out of my league so I went into my wallet and practically threw the $100 at her. The girl folds it up and places it in her pocket, and before walking away she simply says "You just got fucked".

Is he sleazy? Yes. Is he disgusting? Absolutely. Did he act in a vulgar manner towards women? Certainly.

But he's not running for President, his wife is.

I absolutely hate it when my tripod loses a leg.

I can't stand it.

A joke so absolutely filthy I can't put it in the title

Rio Olympics

BDSM is disgusting and I absolutely hate it. I'd speak up but no one would listen,

My hands are tied.

I absolutely can not stand Brown people.

It's just that I had an ex graduate from there and she was super pretentious.

I just found out I'm colorblind. I'm absolutely shocked!

It came right out of the purple.

My doctor told me that I absolutely can't drink any more.

So I promised to drink exactly the same amount.

I find whiteboards to be absolutely fascinating.

They're remarkable.

I started this absolutely amazing 30 day diet!

I already lost 15 days!

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There are three things that I absolutely hated when I was 5 that I love now that I'm an adult.

Green vegetables, reading and rough sex.

Planes have an absolutely perfect record.

We've never left one up there.

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A LONG ONE( but worth it): One wet, cold morning...

A bus driver was just starting along his route. It was still dark and raining and the temperature hovered just above freezing.

As he approached the first stop on his route he could see some poor soul laying on the bench. He stopped the bus, opened the doors and called out to the soaking wet p...

A husband and wife were having dinner...

...at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and asks, "Who the hell was that?"

The husband answers "Oh, she's my mistress."

The wife an...

I'm absolutely sick and tired of my wife not cleaning out the coffee machine after she's finished with it.

Grounds for divorce.

A man walks into a bar and sits down He asks the barkeep "If I can show you something you have never seen before, can I drink here for free tonight?"

The barkeep thinks about it and says "well I have seen a lot of stuff, if you can genuinely show me something I have not seen before, I will pick up your tab tonight".

So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a minature piano and sets it on the bar, then he reaches into his other pock...

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My wife and I recently bought a Great Dane, the smell around our house is absolutely disgusting.

Every time he barks I shit myself.

I was absolutely distraught when my girlfriend told me she'd had a miscarriage.

I had to leave the pub and go to the hospital.

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It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided for one day to only accept people who could make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said

“Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife wa...

A woman goes to see her therapist...

The therapist kindly greets the woman. "What brings you here today?"

"I am absolutely terrified of random letters." says the woman.

The therapist had never heard of such a phobia before. "You are?"

The woman begins to scream.

"Oh, I see..."

The woman screams even l...

Absolutely devastated.

A very sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients (they were good friends) and can now no longer work in the profession he loves. What a waste of time, effort, training...

I was absolutely shocked when my wife fell down a wishing well...

I never believed that those things worked.

I absolutely love the lyrics to the song "What is Love?"

The artist really haddaway with words...

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I'm absolutely not going to stand for this shit.

...I'm going to sit.

There was a boy who grew up in San Francisco and he absolutely loved watching the street cars going up and down the streets.

His goal, when he grew up was to eventually drive those things. Before he even graduated high school, he applied to the street car driving school. He got accepted and once he graduated high school he headed off to training. After months of classes and tests, he was off to his first day of work as an...

I realized I absolutely can't pick up girls at the bar...

They're either too heavy or I'm too drunk...

Why is all of the music made in North Korea just absolutely terrible?

They've got no Seoul.

This banker I know has absolutely no friends...

I think he's loanly

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The Queen of England is taking a tour of an American hospital when she spots a patient furiously masturbating through an open door.

Her Majesty: "What's going on here? This is absolutely appalling."

Nurse: "Actually, Your Highness, it's for medicinal purposes. This patient has a very serious condition, and if he doesn't orgasm at least once every eight hours, his testicles will swell and cause fatal clotting."

Her ...

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I had 12 bottles of whisky in my basement.

However, my wife did not approve of this ownership of liquor, so she asked me to dispose of it in the sink. And since I didn't dare oppose her, I commenced my precarious mission thus:

I pulled the cork out of the first bottle, and poured the contents down the drain, except for one glass which...

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I was absolutely fuming when I walked out of the art store earlier

Bitch didn't have my Monet

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I'm torn: on the one hand, I absolutely hate xenophobia, sexism, and racism

on the other hand, orange is my favorite color.

My girlfriend said to me "as a young boy, was your mother very strict with you" and I said "let's make one thing absolutely clear..."

"My mother was never a young boy."

Tim Vine

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I drunk wakes up after a very long night of drinking.

He smells coffee and bacon/eggs cooking.He staggers down stairs to find his wife making breakfast, the papers on the counter and a tall cool glass of water is in her hand for him.
He stumbles over and takes the glass from her expecting the worst but she smiles and gives him a kiss on the cheek an...

Reddit, what's a joke you ABSOLUTELY HATE but everyone else seems to love?

Mine is that old binary one -

"There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who don't."

Well DUR HUR HUR, congratulations on counting to two. Being a timid person, I just chuckle and seethe on the inside.

What drink did Hitler absolutely hate the taste of?

Juice.

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Scientist have discovered a way to make food that, after eaten, produces absolutely no solid waste.

They expect that within a few million years, humanity will physically evolve to accommodate our new digestive requirements. They also predict the world will become a utopia, because there will be no assholes.

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An Aussie starts a conversation with a Kiwi at his farm.

Aussie: "G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?"

Kiwi: "The dog doesn't talk."

Aussie: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Yeah, doin' all right."

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Aussie: "Is this guy your owner?" (pointing at the Kiwi)

Dog: "Yep"

Aussie...

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A man walks up to an attractive woman in a bar and asks her if she'd have sex with him for 2 dollars...

"Absolutely not!" She replies.

He pauses for a second and asks her if she'd have sex with him for a thousand dollars.

She looks at him and a little smile cracks on her face.

"Why yes, yes I would"

"Great, what about 5 bucks?"

All of a sudden she loses her smile a...

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A man sees a sign outside a house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'

'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the sh...

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A Canadian stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Co...

A student visits her teacher’s office before finals

An attractive university student visits her young professor's office after hours. Seeing he is still working, she walks in, closes the door, and kneels down in front of him. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She pushes his chair back and moves in closer. "I mean..." she says as she puts h...

A nice, calm and respectable looking lady...

...went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said "I would like to buy some Cyanide."

The pharmacist asked "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big an...

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