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Absolutely Jokes

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A man absolutely hated his wife's cat

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and hea...

I absolutely refuse to vaccinate my kids.

I'll have the doctor do it instead; he's trained for it.

I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying it's their cake day, just so people can wish them.

You won't catch me doing that today.

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A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky
enough to be seated next to an absolutely
gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos
and he notices she is reading a manual about
sexual statistics.

He asks her about it and she
replies, "This is a very interesting book about
sexua...

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I absolutely HATE online porn!

Every night I lay down in bed SHAKING MY FIST AT IT!!

The wife has just phoned me to tell me that 3 women in her office have received flowers today and they are absolutely gorgeous.

I said, "That's probably why !!"

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I am absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class.

I've never run so far in my life.

What do you call a fish that absolutely loves washing itself?

Cod in a bath romance

Fasting isn't expected of Muslims until they reach puberty. This means that absolutely all Muslim children...

...grow up to fast

Q anon conspiracy types must be absolutely fuming

they were promised a storm...

...and in the end all they got was a 'lil wayne.

I'm here all week.

My veterinarian says my dog has an absolutely adorable disease.

She has a cute pancreatitis.

*Update:* This is somewhat real. My dog went into the dog hospital last night. She's doing a little better today and she will probably make it. I had to joke because this is a tough ride to take without it.

*Update* My dog is home now. She's we...

I absolutely love that one song by Faith No More

It's Epic

3. People who have absolutely no idea.

There are two kinds of people in the world;

1. People who know how to make a list properly.

I absolutely adore alliteration.

Amateurs aren't aware of it's awesomeness.

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.....

...in a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

* The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
* The bouncer is a blonde girl.
* I'm a 6...

Sometimes I just absolutely need a drink before dinner.

It's an imperitif.

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Absolutely NO FUCKING WAY Trump's really COVID positive.

You can't get sick from a hoax.

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So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.

One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is."

She replies, "okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But beforeclass ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties.

After class is over and the st...

When Robert's wife got a job as a seamstress he was absolutely thrilled.



Because he knew she'd need her bobbin every day!

I absolutely hate my job at the can crushing facility.

It's soda pressing.

What do you call an absolutely bizarre match on a dating site?

A tinder surprise egg

I absolutely hate and detest Cocaine...

But for some reason I love the smell of it.

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A man who was absolutely obsessed with trains one day finally stole one and immediately crashed it, killing several people on board.

At the trial, he is found guilty of multiple murders and is sentenced to death.

Before facing his death sentence, he's offered one last meal, and requests a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he's led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch... but nothing ha...

A joke so absolutely filthy I can't put it in the title

Rio Olympics

I hear that Chad Kroeger from Nickelback, absolutely loves to take part in Nativity plays. He's played a shepherd, the inn keeper and one year, he even played the rear end of the donkey...

But he never made it as a wise man

Some of my friends loved the game Battleship while the others absolutely hated it.

It was…hit or miss.

Absolutely loved Malcolm in the Middle. Such a great show.

Not like it’s super sad sequel, Malcom’s Now The Oldest

What's an absolutely fail-proof way to make a Redditor curious?

[removed]

(My 4 year old finds this absolutely hilarious) Why was the cow wearing headphones?

So he can listen to mooosic!

I was absolutely furious with my son when he came home with a sofa and two chairs…

I’ve told him never to accept suites from strangers

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A golfer is absolutely killing it out on the course. (Long)

He’s playing at one of those residential courses surrounded by beautiful homes.

He nails the drive on the 6th hole. He’s so excited and proud of himself that he guns his golf cart full speed ahead to get to the putting green.

He’s going so fast that he misreads a curve and ends up topp...

I just found my wife has a Tinder profile and I’m furious.

She is absolutely not “adventurous”, and “fun to be around”!

There is absolutely nothing wrong with asbestos

My grandfather worked around asbestos for 60 years and never developed any health issues. It did take 3 straight days to cremate him, but that's besides the point.

Tom absolutely loves tractors

A little boy named Tom was approaching his 3rd birthday, and absolutely adored the show "Tractor Tom", partially because of his name being spoken, and partially because he loved tractors.

As the day drew nearer, his parents decided to buy him a toy tractor as a gift. The rest of his toys wer...

I'm absolutely heartbroken. My Girlfriend has broken up with me over my chronic gambling addiction..

.. Desperate to win Her back.

Today I saw this absolutely stunning color that I've never seen before! It was indescribable, but when I blinked, it disappeared.

I guess it was just a pigment of my imagination.

Even if you are absolutely freezing...

You are 0K.

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I'm absolutely fuming..

My son got sent home from school yesterday. He has been suspended for running around the girls toilets waving his willy around. Idiotic yes but it seems he had done it for a bet.

Suspension seemed to be a bit harsh, so I rang the headmaster to explain that it was just a bit of tomfoolery gone...

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I absolutely hate penises.

That's why I beat mine everyday.

I absolutely hate donating blood. As soon as you walk through the door you get bombarded with questions.

I absolutely hate when they ask
“Where did you get it?”
“Why is it in a bucket?”

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There were once three friends who were absolutely inseparable in high school.

They did everything together. You could not find one without the other two nearby. But, as so often happens, after graduation, they all went their separate ways. One of the friends went on to become a very successful defense attorney. Top of his class at Harvard Law, opened his own firm, made everyo...

Absolutely cannot wait for Brexit.

We make nothing in Britain these days;just noticed on the back of my TV it says ‘Built in Antenna’- this is a country I’ve never even heard of.

I find whiteboards to be absolutely fascinating.

They're remarkable.

The new book about Helen Keller is absolutely incredible!

The audio book is absolutely unintelligible though.

Not sure about you, but I absolutely hate cliffhangers! Why?

I’ll tell you in a bit…

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The Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild:

The Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild:
Since he was a chief in modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Never...

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Little Johny's is neighbour lady storms into his house, looking absolutely furious.

'you need to keep an eye on your son', she yells angrily at Little Johny's mom.

'What happened?', asks Johny's mom.

'I walked in on him playing doctor with my little girl.' says the neighbour.

'Oh', says mom, 'Well it is perfectly natural for kids to be curious about each other...

Is he sleazy? Yes. Is he disgusting? Absolutely. Did he act in a vulgar manner towards women? Certainly.

But he's not running for President, his wife is.

My date accused me of lying on my Tinder profile, but what I wrote was absolutely true.

I DO have the body of an Olympic athlete. It's buried in the backyard.

I went to a BTS concert a while back. It was absolutely horrible.

Now every time I hear their songs I get BTSD.

My friend who absolutely loves U2 just passed the BAR exam

He says everything he does now will be Pro Bono

So this guy absolutely hated pirates...

He wouldn't have anything to do with them. Eventually, we realized it wasn't all pirates. Just peg-leg pirates. Actually, it was anybody who had lost a lower limb. We later discovered he was lack-toes intolerant.

I know absolutely LOADS about the Dunning-Krueger effect

I probably know even more than Mr Dunning-Krueger himself

A husband and wife are having dinner at a fancy restaurant when a couple looking absolutely gorgeous walk in

"What a pair!" says the wife

"Yeah, the man doesn't look too bad either" replied the husband

I was absolutely devastated when my horse died.

I had a lot of money riding on that race.

I’m absolutely disgusted with the state my life is in right now

Florida. I live in Florida.

Two synonymous sentences could have absolutely different meanings.

1. Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
2.Sorry daddy, I've been naughty.

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My sex life is like god, absolutely devine

And not real....

A lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said

"I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady : "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed : "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!...

Planes have an absolutely perfect record.

We've never left one up there.

Absolutely devastated.

A very sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients (they were good friends) and can now no longer work in the profession he loves. What a waste of time, effort, training...

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My sex drive is absolutely huge....

Currently it's at 10 terabytes!

For 2021, I'm absolutely done with being a chronic people pleaser..!!

......as long as everyone is ok with that ?

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What do Tetris and sex have in common?

There’s no winning, it’s just about how long you last


Edit: stop saying I obviously don’t have sex. We’re on reddit. Isn’t that obvious by now?
Also ty to all the absolutely hilarious comment, y’all have made my day

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I clean my dick for the same reason I polish my trophies:

I want them to look good even though they serve absolutely no purpose.

These new diets are getting absolutely ridiculous

Today, some guy was telling me about the joys and benefits of self-cannibalizing. I've never heard anyone that was so full of themself.

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A man badly damaged his dick in an accident

The surgeon says “we’ve developed a new technique that can rebuild your penis, using a section of an elephant’s trunk”; so the guy decides to go ahead.

The operation is a great success. A couple of weeks later, he’s having dinner at a restaurant with his wife. Suddenly his dick bursts out of ...

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

Humans: There is absolutely nothing that can be done to combat climate change.

Mother Earth: Hold My Beer.

What feels really nice at home and is absolutely awful in public?

Sitting on a warm toilet seat...

“Absolutely nothing” spelled backwards is “gnihton yletulosba”

Which means absolutely nothing.

It’s absolutely disgusting the way people cheat on their taxes...

This is not the world I want to raise my 23 dependents in.

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4 tips for guys for successful relationships

It’s really important to find a woman that you love and who loves you the same.

It’s really important to find a woman that sexually excites you and that she feels the same about you.

It’s really important to find a woman who will care for you and that you will care for her, in sickne...

There were two Qanon believers who were absolutely convinced that Trump won the 2020 election

They were traveling together and were killed in a traffic accident. When they got to heaven, God met them and told them that he’d reveal anything about Earthly life they’d always wanted to know. They asked him how Biden stole the 2020 election. God looked kindly upon them and said, “Biden didn’t ste...

(NSFW)So I'm tickling my little sisters foot, and my mom goes absolutely nuts and starts beating me up...

Nobody told me not to touch her until she's born...

I absolutely can not stand Brown people.

It's just that I had an ex graduate from there and she was super pretentious.

What flavor does anime absolutely hate?

Anything vanilla, apparently

I absolutely hate it when my tripod loses a leg.

I can't stand it.

There are many invention in this world, but the shovel is absolutely...

Groundbreaking

It absolutely bothers me when some attention seeking people make posts and comments indicating that it's it their cake day just so that people wish them.

I'm just glad I'm not one of those people

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So there's this guy drinking at a bar, getting absolutely shit faced

Near the end of the night, after he had a few too many, he pukes all over his shirt. He's yells out "oh fuck, not again, my wife is going to kill me."

Hearing this, the bartender tells him to take a $20 bill out of his wallet, and put it in his shirt pocket, and when he gets home to tell his...

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My girlfriend and I purchased a Great Dane, and now the smell around our house is absolutely revolting.

Every time he barks I shit myself.

I absolutely hated my haircut at first

but it’s growing on me

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My hallway is absolutely full of Valentine cards today...

I really am a lazy bastard of a postman.

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I am absolutely certain that I only want vaginal sex...

No butts

Please rate my absolutely horrendous joke

So, two detectives of the NYPD are investigating a murder, and have three suspects:
Bob,
Archibald,
Mark.

Bob being the prime suspect, and Mark being the least suspected of the three.

They take Bob into the interrogation room hoping for a quick and easy confession. However, ...

There was a child who was absolutely obsessed with tractors

He had tractor wallpaper, model tractors, pictures of tractors.. everything was about tractors for him.

However, as he grew older his love for tractors faded.

He went to university, married a girl and they had kids.

One day he came home and his house was on fire and his family w...

I absolutely MUST get a month dedicated to my favorite fruit...

Kumquat May.

There's a new machine at the gym, it does absolutely everything

Soft drinks, potato chips, chocolate cookies and candy

My friend asked me if you absolutely had to get stabbed somewhere to save someone's life, where would it be?

I answered, "in the hospital probably"

If there’s one thing I absolutely can’t stand

it’s a unicycle

A politician who did absolutely nothing good or bad in his life died...

God and Satan are discussing what to do with him.
God says "He's done nothing great in his life, so he cant possibly go to heaven."
Satan responds "Well, he did nothing to deserve eternal damnnation either."
So they let the man spend one day in each heaven and hell to decide where he wanted...

I absolutely hate screening films for the Grasshopper Film Festival

Everybody's a cricket.

In Avengers: Infinity War, Thanos absolutely went crazy.

He snapped.

My career is absolutely on fire at the moment.

Only problem is that my career is accident and disaster prevention.

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[NSFW] While sexting as a straight dude, what should you be absolutely cautious about?

Typos in "send nudes"

Did you know that the Soviet Union had absolutely zero coal mines?

Crazy fact! I heard however that there were plenty of coal ours though.

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A fancy restaurant is hiring a new pianist

A guy called John comes in and says "Hi there, I'm here about the pianist position."

The manager replies "That's fantastic, do you mind sitting at the piano and showing me what you can do?"

So John sits at the piano and starts to play one of the most beautiful songs the manager has ev...

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Athiests: There is absolutely no chance god exists, No way.

Jews: Yahweh

I saw this fisherman lose an absolutely epic fish and he started crying inconsolably.

I told him "Never mind, mate. Plenty more women on the land".

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My grief counsellor died the other day..

But he was so good I didn’t give a shit.

This banker I know has absolutely no friends...

I think he's loanly

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