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Bright Jokes

Why does Batman only wear dark colors? Easy. Batman doesn't want to get shot. Why does Robin only wear bright colors?

Easy.


Batman doesn't want to get shot.

Two Irishmen have a bright idea

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy, “I’m gonna get the day off. I’m gonna pretend I’ve gone mad!” He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts “I’m a lightbulb, I’m a lightbulb!”

Murphy watches in amazement.

The foreman shouts: “Paddy...

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bright orange penis

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he has a bright orange penis. The doctor takes a look and sure enough, the man's penis is bright orange.

The doctor asks the man about his daily habits to see if he could get a clue about the cause of the malady.

The man says "My day is pret...

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A bright, young graduate joined the Internal Revenue Service.

A bright, young graduate joined the Internal Revenue Service. Anxious for his first investigation he was a bit perturbed when he was assigned to audit a Rabbi.

Looking over the books and taxes was pretty straightforward and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he’d make his day in...

What big, brightly-lit sign made everyone cry?

The Marquee de Sad

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Once a Bright and Intelligent young man went for interview.There he was asked...

Q 1. When did your country got Independence?

He answered - The efforts started long back; but could succeed in 1928.

Q 2. Who were the persons, who played important role in this fight for Independence?

Answer - There are many people, who were involved and contributed in this. If...

Sushi too bright

My friend bought a sushi lamp for his room, it's too bright, how does he make it dim some?

A couple not-so-bright carpenters are framing a house.

Worker A notices worker B is wasting a lot of nails. He’ll pull one out, hammer it in, pull another and toss it, toss another, then hammer one in. And this goes on for a bit.

Worker A says to worker B, “hey, how come you keep tossing dem nails?”

Worker B responds, “they’re defective;...

On the bright side...

We can look forward to four more years of Michelle Obama speeches from our First Lady.

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Little Timothy was a bright young boy,

And he was even fairly handsome. The only problem was that he was lost his eye in a fishing accident when he was younger. His family was too poor to afford a glass eye, so his grandfather whittled him a wooden one.

He was made fun of all through school for his eye and it completely destroyed ...

Little Timmy got lost in a mine field. Where is Little Timmy?

Everywhere.



I know that joke was a bit dark, but at least it got real bright for half a second!

My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.

I replied, "Yes just once."

The doctor asked, "What was it like?"

I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."

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I went to the doctor's today, with a bright red scab on the head of my dick..

I dropped my trousers for him and straight away he told me it was caused by not eating properly.

"Oh come off it, doc!" I scolded. "You've not examined me or even asked about my lifestyle. How the fuck can you just assume I'm not eating properly?"

"It's a bit of tomato skin."

Not too bright

Two Irish hunters hire a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bag six. As they start loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot says they can only take four moose. The two lads object strongly. "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same pla...

If you have Alzheimer's, look on the bright side…

…at least you can hide your own Easter Eggs.

My friend told me to look on the bright side.

He said I could be chest deep in water in a hole in the ground.

I know he means well.

This joke has a bright future...

How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb?



Juan

Why was Rudolph's nose so bright?

Because it was very well-red!

Why does Jack Skellington's pet dog have a bright, shiny nose?

Because he's a boo's hound.

An Incan's daughter had a bright smile

I guess you can say her smile was Incandescent

A Russian enters a bar full of Turkish people.

He's wearing a t-shirt with bright lettering "Turkish got 3 problems."

Just a few seconds later the Turkishs oppose him and say "Hey, yopu know what you're wearing is insulting?"
The russian responds: "This is your first problem: You're so easily offended."

The Turkish respond: "Oka...

A bright young executive had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech firm. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and handed him three numbered envelopes.

“Open these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can handle,” he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a nosedive and he was really catching a lot of heat from the board. At wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer ...

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Look on the bright side anti-vaxxers

You'll never have to have "the talk" about puberty, sex, drugs, or driving.

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When a girl asks you "Does my butt looks big in this?" That is her way of asking you to set the difficulty for the evening...

Easy mode: Of course not honey, you look wonderful.

Medium mode: Hmm, maybe try a different pair of pants.

Hard mode: Yes, but it looks big in anything.

Impossible mode: Yes, but on the bright side, it draws attention away from your face.

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Putin and Biden are wrapping up their discussion...

Putin says: "You know, Joe. I had this dream few days ago"

Biden: "Oh, what kind of dream?"

Putin: "I saw America, in flames. Nuclear warhead crater where Capitol used to be. New York leveled. Los Angeles covered in human ash. It was Glorious, Joe. I nearly teared up..."

Biden: ...

Growing up, I was so bright

my mom called me Sun.

What do Chinese restaurants do when their lights are too bright?

Dim sum

Knock knock...

Who’s there?

Hike.

Hike who?


Warm midnight falling.
Stars shining, dancing brightly.
Peaceful all at once

I'm so bright....

....my mom calls me son.

One bright day in the middle of the night

Two dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot one another.
A deaf policeman heard the noise.
He came and killed the two dead boys.
If you don’t believe my story is true,
Ask the blind man, he saw it too

Not OC, but it was a fav...

One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church.

Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from ev...

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While in China, an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

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A man was eating a bright, red apple.

It was on a warm, sunny day that the most peculiar of things occurred. A man, was happily snacking on a bright, red apple when, too lazy to walk to a trash can, he threw it out the window. A seemingly non-problematic apple would have been ignored under any other circumstances, but the man lived on t...

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Frank always looked on the bright side.

He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, "It could have been worse."

To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could f...

My father always said I was a bright kid...

So bright in fact, he always called me son

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A bright and brash Australian,

the hunter was his name.

All those slimy reptiles

brought him wealth and fame.

Some say he was a looker,

to girls he was a dish.

He knew everything about crocodiles

But fuck all about fish.

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A Bright Future In Sales

A country boy moves to the city and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I worked at the general store back in Possum Holler."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he lik...

An extremely bright star walks into a bar.

He shines so bright he nearly blinds everyone inside.

"Are you kidding?" The bartender asks in annoyance.

"No," The star replies. "I'm Sirius."

An Armenian takes his son hunting with him for the first time.

\- I don't understand, Daddy, - the son says. - How are you going to hunt? You have no gun with you, no traps, no net even...

\- Ah, son, you don't know what our Armenian jinx is like. There, look, a rabbit is sitting under that bush. Such a strong, healthy little rabbit, such shiny fur it ha...

Watson found Holmes busily painting the front door bright yellow.

"What on earth is that, Holmes?"

"It's a lemon entry, my dear Watson."

She's a bright lady

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a ligh...

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The year is 1939, and the USSR is invading Finland.

The Soviet army is marching through the Finnish swamps when they hear shouting from the other side of a nearby hill:

"I bet one Finn can beat ten Soviets!"

The Soviet officer laughs at this and sends ten of his best soldiers to deal with this guy. After a couple of minutes of shooting ...

On the bright side of the election

There hasn't been a presidential assassination in a while.

What is bright orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

An intelligent young lady, Miss Bright

She travelled far faster than light,

Leaving one day in a relative way,

Arriving home the previous night.

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If you go to a nude beach on a bright day...

You get a sunny d

Guy 1: "There were these three bright women I liked that I tried asking out..."

..."the first was a mother with a high earning job, but had no luck with her as she seemed too engaged in her work life and ignored me. The next was a university student who nearly had a degree in medicine, but she just frowned angrily at me and later said she didn't want to see me ever again. Then ...

I've bought an underwater craft in a bright green colour.

It's sublime!

My blond girlfriend ain't too bright. I told her I played Russian roulette once.

She asked me if I lost.

I wished my friend a bright future...

...so that he has the best of lux.

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There was a young country boy who was very bright

In fact he was bright enough to be accepted to Harvard. One of his first assignments at Harvard was to write a paper on a famous person. He didn't know who he would write about so he decided to go to the library and do some research. But he didn't know where the library was. He saw a professor walki...

I'm putting together a juggling act where I juggle a bunch of bright blue balls....

The act ends right before the climax.

A man was walking down a bright road when he came across an elderly women

He noticed she was searching for something, and that she appeared very distressed. He asked her, "Excuse me 'mam, do you need some help?" She replied " Oh yes please! I lost my necklace! It's a family heirloom and it's priceless!" He asked, "Okay well let's think back, where do you think you lost it...

What's another name for bright hair?

Flash bangs

My wife said she’d buy her next phone based on how bright the display is...

... but I think that’s just nit-picking

A man walks into a bar and notices a jar filled with $10 bills. He asks the bartender what it's for, and the bartender explains,

"We have a challenge here. If you can complete three tasks, you get all the money in the jar."
Intrigued, the man asks what the tasks are.
The bartender says, "First, you have to drink an entire gallon of hot sauce without crying. Second, there's a pit bull out back with a bad tooth, and you h...

11 Minutes

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known lover’s spot, famous for all obscene activities. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.

The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer ...

Why are the Eiffel Tower lights so bright ?

French resistance is low.

At a meeting in a factory, a lecturer from the district Party committee tells the workers about their bright future in the USSR.

At a meeting in a factory, a lecturer from the district Party committee tells the workers about their bright future in the USSR.

"See, comrades, after this five-year plan is completed, every family will have a separate apartment. After the next five-year plan is completed, every worker will h...

A woman walks into a pet store and sees a handsome bright red parrot.

She asks the cashier how much the parrot is. The cashier says, “I’ll sell it, but I should warn you, it was donated by a brothel, so it might have picked up some colorful language.”



The woman says, “Oh, that’s okay.” She buys the parrot and takes it home.



When she takes...

A cop just stopped me for jaywalking and then tasered me after exchanging a few words...

Police: Turn around.

Me: Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round...

Police: TURN AROUND!!

Me: BRIGHT EYES, Every now and then I fall apart. And you I need you now tonight, and I need you more than ev--AHHHHHH!

Look on the bright side

would be horrible advice to someone trapped in a tanning bed

Did you hear, Little Timmy wandered straight into the mine field?

The whole town heard.

Some say he was distracted, that his mind was all over the place.
It certainly is now.

Timmy wasn’t too smart.
The warning sign next to the minefield *literally* has more brain than him.

The mine field always filled Timmy with awe and wonder.
It ...

My homeboy got rear-ended on a motorcycle wearing a bright green shirt, with shiny red hair: It kind of makes sense....

It was hard to miss him

Insomnia sufferers, look on the bright side.

only three more sleeps until christmas.

On the bright side, I got to scratch something off my bucket list today ...

N̶o̶t̶r̶e̶ ̶D̶a̶m̶e̶

Nico is extremely optimistic and always sees the bright side of everything.

It drives his friends Connor and Tyler crazy, so one day they decide to tell him a story that he cannot find the positive in.

Nico meets Tyler at his house and Nico asks where Connor is. Tyler tells him "You didn't hear? He found his girlfriend with another guy last night and killed them both...

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What did your husband get YOU?

Three southern belles stood together gossiping. The topic of discussion were gifts from their husbands. Here's how it went.

Pointing at a house on top of a hill, the first southern belle boasts, "Y'all ain't never seen a house like that. My husband built me that there house!" The second south...

Light travels faster than sound....

That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak!

A very bright scientist was conducting experiments on frogs

He spent a lot of time teaching them to jump as they heard the word *jump*.

And so, after he had 10 frogs that could jump when they heard the word *jump*, he took one to the experimentation room, put the frog on the table.

"*Jump*"

Sure enough, the frog jumped. The scientist wro...

My wife's inappropriate Christmas dinner joke

Last night My wife and I were having Christmas dinner with her parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles, and a German neighbor who is a widow. We were talking about messing up while cooking meals and I mentioned the first time I cooked a turkey I cooked it upside down. The neighbor was incredulous that...

An O-5, a Foundation Agent, and Doctor Bright walk into a bar.

[DATA EXPUNGED]

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An atheist dies, goes to hell, and finds himself in a lush park with butterflies.

His physical body has transformed back into its prime and he's then greeted by Satan who says "Why hello there! Welcome to hell. Let me show you around, you're gonna love it here."

Satan points to a nice house and says "what do you think of this house?" The atheist replies "It's beautiful, I ...

The flash from the Hiroshima bomb was so bright...

...that even today, people there walk around with their eyes in a squint

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A guy with bright blue, green and orange color hair was standing at a bus stop.

Few moments later along came Old Seymour, stood near him and kept staring at him hard.
Annoyed by the stares the guy asked him, "What's up old man! Never done something wild?"
To this Seymour replied, "Yeah,I fucked a chicken once and I'm wondering if you are my son."

An old man said “I’ve got Alzheimer’s but look in the bright side...”

“At least I don’t have Alzheimer’s”

With so many Americans upset with the candidates in the upcoming Presidential election, we should look on the bright side ...

... and please let me know what it is when you've found it.

It's St Peter's day off and Jesus is manning the Pearly Gates...

When an old man arrives seeking admission. Jesus starts running through the application form.

"Name?" says Jesus in bored tone of voice.

"Joseph." The old man replies.

"Occupation?" Jesus drone on.

"Carpenter." Jesus looks up a little surprised but he continues.

"C...

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I looked out the window earlier and the sky was bright green.

I thought, 'I've got the fucking plane upside down."

A policeman is doing his rounds at night when he sees a drunk man searching intensely for something under a brightly lit street lamp.

"Hello, what are you doing here?" he asks.

"I've lost my keys and can't find them," the drunk slurps.

So they both look for the key, but after 10 minutes it is clear: there is no key here.

"Are you sure you lost your key here?" the cop asks.

"Nah, I lost the key i...

Im starting to see the bright side of being single..

..If I tip the bottle towards the ceiling, light shines right through the Vodka. Facinating

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The guys were on a bike tour. ...

No one wanted to room with Mick, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.


The first guy slept with Mick and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. ...

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $...

A young baker buys a shop

He is very excited as this is his first venture since qualifying. He sells ok on everyday items like bread, but runs into trouble with his 'special items'. One day he makes beautiful cakes, however his customers only want pastries that day. So the next day he makes pastries, but now they want muffin...

I forgot to bring the drinks to my senior prom. But hey, look at the bright side.

No punch line.

My girlfriend is really supportive but she's not very bright. One time, during a fight, I asked her "What's your IQ, anyway?!"

She shouted back defiantly "20/20!"

I saw some tiny yet super-bright lights -- so pretty I wanted to eat them!

But I didn't. I was afraid I would get LED poisoning.

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