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Believes Jokes

No one believes seniors...

No one believes seniors… Everyone thinks they are senile

An elderly couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It w...

What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?

An eighteist.

The government denied tax exemption for my church that believes Jesus spoke with a lisp

It was a real slap in the faith

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nobody believes me, but I only have sex standing up.

I’m not fucking lying.

Nobody believes that I can name the Canadian Prime Minister.

It's Trudeau.

America believes in education: the average professor earns more money in a year

than a professional athlete earns in a whole day.

Nobody ever believes me when I say I can make over six figs in a just single summer

Until I show them the small fruit tree in my front yard.

My daughter told me that she now believes in the power of rocks

I thought that she became spiritual,
Turns out she just started smoking Crack

An optimist believes this is the best of all possible worlds.

A pessimist is afraid he's right.

A girl walks up to her mother and asks, "Mommy, why am I named Clover?"

"Your grandma believes that it brings luck to our family."

Then, her other daughter walks up. "Mommy, why am I named Nirvana?"

"Because, your aunt believes that is the place you go when you are enlightened."

Finally, her son walks up to her. "Those names make sense, but why am I...

Four cannibals apply for a job in a big corporation…

„Well“, says the boss, „if I hire you guys, you have to promise to not eat any of our staff.“

The cannibals promise that they will not eat anyone and get hired.

Everything is going well for a while, and one day the boss calls them into his office.

“You’re working well and all, ...

Nobody believes that I was born half Zentaur half human.

The top half of my body is Zentaur (Centaur) but the bottom half is human.

I find this funny but so far nobody else does. Can I improve the joke somehow?

Why doesn’t Santa get something for the child who believes in nothing?

Because they’re on the nihilist.

My friend believes The Office is the best television show, and belittles anyone that thinks otherwise

I'm so tired of these Dwight Supremacists

To everyone who believes in telekinesis...

Raise my hand.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Girlfriend believes in Zodiac signs

So I am fucking stupid

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

No one believes when I tell them I can suck my own dick

I will admit, it is a stretch...

Anyone who believes in climate change just believes whatever someone tells them to. They don't think for themselves.

I know that because Alex Jones told me so

No believes me but I saw Genghis Kahn holding a spear running around town last night.

They say is just another one of my Kahn spear I see theories.

My wife believes in compromise

If we agree on something we do it my way, and if we disagree we do it her way.

What do you call an Egyptian that believes life is meaningless?

A nileist

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mental patient who believes that he is dead in the mental hospital where he is admitted

Therefore does not eat and does not participate in any vital activities, could not be convinced that he is not dead despite all the efforts made by all expert psychiatrists.

One of the psychiatrists, who understands that the patient will not give up on this decision and undertakes his treatme...

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