UPJOKE

Nothing But Jokes

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To all the teachers who said I would be nothing but a construction worker and an alcoholic

Fuck you that just was a lucky guess.

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[NSFW] A guy is sunbathing on the beach wearing nothing but a hat over his dick.

A guy is sunbathing on the beach wearing nothing but a hat over his dick. A woman walks by and says: "If you were a gentleman you would lift your hat", to which the guy replies: "If you were pretty it would lift itself".

^(Note: I know it's not original but thought someone might enjoy it.)

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A man goes to a costume party with nothing but a naked woman on his back.

"What the hell are you supposed to be, then?" the host asks.

"I'm a turtle," the man replies.

"What a pile of shite!" the host replies. "How can you be a turtle when all you've got is that naked woman on your back?"

"Oh her?" the man smiles. "That's just Michelle!"

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My wife said this sub is nothing but the same recycled crap over and over.

She is so wrong so I told her to check my history. My last post here says otherwise.

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Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball when suddenly a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either."

He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.

"Wait a minute," she says....

I was stranded on an island with nothing but dark red grass, dark red sand, dark red trees everything was darkred.

"AHHH!" i yelled "I've been marooned!"

Did you hear about the fella who walked into the psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap underwear?

The doctor took one look at him and said “well I can clearly see your nuts”

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A man is lying on the beach, sun bathing, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch.

A woman passes by and remarks "If you were a gentleman, you would lift your hat for a lady ..." He replies "If you were any sort of sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself!"

A bloke went to his mate's fancy dress party with nothing but a girl on his back.

"So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the host asked.
"I'm a snail." The bloke replied.
"What a load of rubbish!" the host spat. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that girl on your back?"
"That's not a any girl, mate," the bloke replied, "that's Michelle".

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Split up with my lying, cheating, thieving girlfriend last month and it's been nothing but Happy Days since.

The bitch took all my other box-sets.

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A man goes to a costume party wearing nothing but pants...

The host asks: "What are you supposed to be?"

The man replies: "I am a premature ejaculation!"

To which the host replies: "Interesting... But why are you not wearing a shirt or shoes or a hat or anything else?"

The man says: "Well I just came in my pants!"

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I ate nothing but beans for 48 hours

I now think I have Ass Purgers syndrome.

Our country needs a border wall. South of the border is nothing but criminals, disgusting people, and entitled people and their government does nothing about it.

Just to be clear, I live in Canada.

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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobweb...

A lawyer walked into the courtroom wearing nothing but his underwear and asked, "Can we please postpone the trial?"

The judge replied, "Of course! How can we start when you've forgotten your lawsuit?"

I was really mad when they locked me in a room with nothing but the remnants of a dead chicken, but I got out.

Good thing I had a bone to pick.

Time to open a pub that serves nothing but expensive beers and baked beans

I'll call it Farts & Crafts.

When my grandfather first came to this country, he had nothing but a shirt on his back.

When the immigration people finally caught up to him, they made him put on pants too.

I keep reading nothing but black hole articles...

They just keep pulling me in!

I want to open a shop that sells nothing but footstools.

I’ll call it… The Ottoman Empire

…

…I’ll see myself out.

So a guy gets shipwrecked on an island with nothing but a dog and a goat.

As time passes, he decides he needs some action, and, well, the goats not lookin half bad.

However, anytime the man tries to make a move on the goat, the dog gets jealous, snaps at him and won’t let him by.

Eventually, another ship wrecks, this time carrying a blonde babe. Just absolu...

I read about a guy that blocked an entire river with nothing but legumes

Dam thats nuts

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A guy walks into his therapist’s office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap.

Therapist says, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”

Sorry if repost or seen before this one just made me giggle, saw it in a thread and wanted to share the laugh I take no credit for this.

What do you get it you ask a politician to tell 'the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth'?

3 different answers

Alcohol is nothing but poison

But I drink because there are just things inside of me that need to die.

Nowadays kids have it so easy. When I was their age, I had nothing but $3 in my pocket. So, what did I do?

I bought a house, started a family, and put the remaining 75 cents into a savings account for emergencies.

I once went for a walk wearing nothing but a beanie.

I was arrested at the drop of a hat.

My cupboards are bare! Nothing but a jar of Marlee Matlin's preserves.

That's a def jam.

Technically it's marmalade.

So I have this chicken that listens to nothing but classical music...

All she wants is “Bach Bach Bach”.


That is all.

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When creatures were nothing but a clump of cells...

When creatures were nothing but a clump of cells a hole begins to firm that exists throughout their entire lives as their gastrointestinal tract.

Some creatures form from the mouth down.

Others the other way around.

Humans fall into the second category.

So everyone readin...

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My wife thinks its sexy to answer the door for me wearing nothing but my shirt..

But when I did the same wearing her dress, I now have to have a 'talk' with a psychologist..

The only CD shop near my house sells nothing but old albums.

Guess there’s no hot singles in my area.

A man is stranded in the desert with nothing but a camel.

As the days drag on, all alone with no sign of civilization in sight, the man becomes increasingly lonely. One day, the feeling is so strong that he loses his better judgement and decides to make love to his camel.

So the man pulls down his pants and positions himself behind the camel. Then, ...

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Are you kidding me?? I'm never donating blood again. Nothing but questions as soon as you go in.

Shit like, "Where did you get it?" Or, "Why is it in a bucket?"

How do you fight off four burglars with nothing but a TV remote?

Please respond quickly!

I just can't stop ogling at hot 18 year olds dressed in nothing but panties.

I could say I've a knicker teen addiction.

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Wearing nothing but a cape I jumped into the bedroom startling my wife.

I shouted SUPER SEX!!!!

She replied, “ I don’t know, what kind of soup is it?

To all the teachers who said I would be nothing but a computer programmer and an alcoholic

SyntaxError: unexpected EOF while parsing

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What do you call a woman wearing nothing but whipped cream covering her private parts?

Chantilly clad.

I was once in a group project with a girl who did nothing but send feet pics

That was her sole contribution

[NSFW] A cowboy is walking down main street in nothing but his boots and hat...

Shortly after he got into town, a sheriff stops him.

"Sir, why in the hell are you walkin down the street naked as a jaybird?"

"I can explain! See I met this girl named Sally. Well, I took her back to my place and she took her shirt off... So I took off mine. Then she took her pants of...

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I've driven a few cars using nothing but my butthole, but they all ended up the same way.

Rectum.

God? What's a billion years like to you? Nothing but a mere sec. Really!? Well then what's a billion dollars to you? Nothing but a penny. Well... Can I have a billion dollars then?

Sure... Hang on a sec.

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[Nsfw] Wife jumps out of the bathroom wearing nothing but a cape and screams..

SUPER PUSSY

Husband: I'll have the soup

A young vulture is tired of eating nothing but scavenged meat...

So he says to his father, "Dad, can't we eat something else for a change? I'd like to try some vegetables."

The father is outraged, claiming that vultures do not eat vegetables, that is not their way. But the young vulture doesn't give up. He asks again the next day, and the next, and the nex...

My girlfriend said I'm nothing but a bare-faced liar

So I've grown a beard.

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Earlier today I saw a highways worker doing nothing but gossiping whilst drinking cordial and listening to Glen Campbell.

Just seen him again, and that bitchy tarred roadman is still on the lime!

Just arrived home and found a beautiful woman grouting the bathroom wall and singing "It's a heartache, nothing but a heartache..."

I thought to myself....She's a Bonnie Tyler.

Told my doctor I ate nothing but candy edibles for a month

Turns out I have highiabetes

If McDonald's starts using nothing but robots

who's going to spit in burger?

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Me and my girlfriend were going to a Halloween party last year and my girlfriend came down the stairs wearing nothing but boots.

I asked her “What are you suppose to be?” She said, “Puss in boots.” So I went into the kitchen and put a potato on my penis. When I came back out, she asked me, “What are you suppose to be?” I said, “If you can be puss in boots, then I can be a dictator…”

I was arrested the other day for wearing nothing but saran wrap underwear in public.

The officer said he was going to put me on a 72-hour psychiatric hold.

When I asked him why, he said, "I can clearly see you're nuts."

My part-time waitress girlfriend wants to buy nothing but designer outfits...

.. I told her to "act her wage".

I went to a car show but there were nothing but Fords

I guess you could say it was a real Ford Fiesta

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Life is getting pretty dull, so I've decided to eat nothing but Swiss cheese

I just need more 'holy shit' in my life

A man was locked in a room with nothing but a calendar and a bed. How does he survive?

He eats dates from the calendar and drinks water from the springs of the bed.

My Life has been nothing but a disappointment. The Last 5 Years looked promising, but no such luck. After trying My Best, I've decided if One More Thing upsets me again, I'm calling it Quits.

Hmm, maybe I should start giving my race horses normal names.

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Due to an extremely rare condition, little Johnny is born with nothing but a head...

No arms, legs or body, just a head. His parents love him anyway and do everything they can to make sure he has the most "normal" childhood possible. They shower him with affection and gifts, and try to make him feel like a normal boy.

The years pass by, and one day the family doctor calls. Th...

What do you call the White House with nothing but windows?

A green house

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There's nothing but shit on the TV every night! -moaned my Grandad.

The sanitation in his Nursing Home is dreadful...

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Three sisters were all getting married within a short time period...

...Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sex.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.

The card said nothing but: ...

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So there's this guy that does nothing but masturbate and watch Netflix all day...

Oh wait... That's me.

My parents have been yelling at me that I'm wasting my life doing nothing but playing video games.

Luckily I have three lives left.

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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces hersel...

A naked man is walking through the streets in the middle of the night with nothing but cowboy boots on...

The local sheriff pulls up in his cop car.

‘’Sir, what are you doing?!’’ The cop says

‘’Well officer’’ replies the man ‘I met this sweet old lady at the bar earlier and she bought be a drink, we talked for a little bit, she told me to order another drink on her tab, so I did, she star...

What do you call a boat that gives you nothing but trouble?

A woe boat.

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