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To all the teachers who said I would be nothing but a construction worker and an alcoholic

Fuck you that just was a lucky guess.

I read about a guy that blocked an entire river with nothing but legumes

Dam thats nuts

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A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch.

A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself."

What do you say to a man who is wearing nothing but Saran Wrap?

Clearly, I can see you’re nuts.

Did you hear about the man who went to the psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but plastic wrap?

The psychiatrist said "this won't take long, I can clearly see your nuts"

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Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball when suddenly a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either."

He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.

"Wait a minute," she says....

I once went for a walk wearing nothing but a beanie.

I was arrested at the drop of a hat.

So I have this chicken that listens to nothing but classical music...

All she wants is “Bach Bach Bach”.


That is all.

A man walks into his psychiatrist appointment wearing nothing but cellophane

The shrink takes one look at him and says “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”

Adult life is nothing but waiting for your IT ticket to be resolved...

...I tried rebooting now all I see is this blue screen with text telling me about my car’s extended warranty

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Earlier today I saw a highways worker doing nothing but gossiping whilst drinking cordial and listening to Glen Campbell.

Just seen him again, and that bitchy tarred roadman is still on the lime!

An explorer spent weeks scouring the jungles of Skull Island, hoping to see the legendary King Kong. One day, when he was all but certain that it was nothing but a myth, he came to a clearing - and right there before him, sitting pensively, was the imposing figure of King Kong...

The explorer glared at King Kong in awe, and approached him slowly. King Kong seemed to be quite passive, so the explorer slowly reached out and shyly touched him. But as soon as he made contact with the gorilla’s fur, King Kong went berserk. He immediately rose to his feet, began beating his chest ...

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[NSFW] A guy is sunbathing on the beach wearing nothing but a hat over his dick.

A guy is sunbathing on the beach wearing nothing but a hat over his dick. A woman walks by and says: "If you were a gentleman you would lift your hat", to which the guy replies: "If you were pretty it would lift itself".

^(Note: I know it's not original but thought someone might enjoy it.)

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My wife said this sub is nothing but the same recycled crap over and over.

She is so wrong so I told her to check my history. My last post here says otherwise.

The only CD shop near my house sells nothing but old albums.

Guess there’s no hot singles in my area.

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Me and my girlfriend were going to a Halloween party last year and my girlfriend came down the stairs wearing nothing but boots.

I asked her “What are you suppose to be?” She said, “Puss in boots.” So I went into the kitchen and put a potato on my penis. When I came back out, she asked me, “What are you suppose to be?” I said, “If you can be puss in boots, then I can be a dictator…”

I just can't stop ogling at hot 18 year olds dressed in nothing but panties.

I could say I've a knicker teen addiction.

A man is stranded in the desert with nothing but a camel.

As the days drag on, all alone with no sign of civilization in sight, the man becomes increasingly lonely. One day, the feeling is so strong that he loses his better judgement and decides to make love to his camel.

So the man pulls down his pants and positions himself behind the camel. Then, ...

What do you get it you ask a politician to tell 'the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth'?

3 different answers

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The man anticipated a night of ravenous lovemaking when the Russian woman entered wearing nothing but a bra and panties. However, as she was walking, he heard a faint “Hello! Hello!” coming from her nether regions with each step she took...

“Where’s that sound coming from?” the man asked with a confused look on his face.

She smiled and said, “Don’t worry, that's just my Privyet parts.”

How do you fight off four burglars with nothing but a TV remote?

Please respond quickly!

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A man goes to a party dressed in nothing but his pants.

A man goes to a costume party dressed in nothing but his pants.

Another guy walks up and asks, "What are you supposed to be?"

The man responds with, "Well, I'm Premature Ejaculation"

The guy then asks, "And... how is that?"

The man replies, "Well, I just came in my pants....

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What do you call a woman wearing nothing but whipped cream covering her private parts?

Chantilly clad.

A man goes to a costume party wearing nothing but his underwear and a woman on his back.

His friends see him and say, “Hey man, what are you supposed to be?”
He replies, “Oh, I’m dressed as a turtle.”
His friends respond, “A turtle? How are you a turtle? Who’s that woman on your back?”
The man replies, “Oh that’s just Michelle.”

There's a special feeling when you open the door and your wife is standing there in nothing but her see through negligee.

It's a better feeling, tho, when you are coming home than when you are opening the door cuz she's home but forgot her keys.

Our country needs a border wall. South of the border is nothing but criminals, disgusting people, and entitled people and their government does nothing about it.

Just to be clear, I live in Canada.

An engineer, an architect and a mathematician are trapped in a cave with nothing but a can of food each and they want to get the cans open so that they can eat.

The engineer finds a rock and taps it against the weak spot of the can. The architect throws the can against the wall in a way that doesn’t collapse the cave. The mathematician then announces loudly to the other two, “Let my can be open, how do we close it?”

A man was locked in a room with nothing but a calendar and a bed. How does he survive?

He eats dates from the calendar and drinks water from the springs of the bed.

I keep reading nothing but black hole articles...

They just keep pulling me in!

A bloke went to his mate's fancy dress party with nothing but a girl on his back.

"So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the host asked.
"I'm a snail." The bloke replied.
"What a load of rubbish!" the host spat. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that girl on your back?"
"That's not a any girl, mate," the bloke replied, "that's Michelle".

So a guy gets shipwrecked on an island with nothing but a dog and a goat.

As time passes, he decides he needs some action, and, well, the goats not lookin half bad.

However, anytime the man tries to make a move on the goat, the dog gets jealous, snaps at him and won’t let him by.

Eventually, another ship wrecks, this time carrying a blonde babe. Just absolu...

I was once in a group project with a girl who did nothing but send feet pics

That was her sole contribution

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[Nsfw] Wife jumps out of the bathroom wearing nothing but a cape and screams..

SUPER PUSSY

Husband: I'll have the soup

My Life has been nothing but a disappointment. The Last 5 Years looked promising, but no such luck. After trying My Best, I've decided if One More Thing upsets me again, I'm calling it Quits.

Hmm, maybe I should start giving my race horses normal names.

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Wearing nothing but a cape I jumped into the bedroom startling my wife.

I shouted SUPER SEX!!!!

She replied, “ I don’t know, what kind of soup is it?

[NSFW] A cowboy is walking down main street in nothing but his boots and hat...

Shortly after he got into town, a sheriff stops him.

"Sir, why in the hell are you walkin down the street naked as a jaybird?"

"I can explain! See I met this girl named Sally. Well, I took her back to my place and she took her shirt off... So I took off mine. Then she took her pants of...

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I've driven a few cars using nothing but my butthole, but they all ended up the same way.

Rectum.

I was arrested the other day for wearing nothing but saran wrap underwear in public.

The officer said he was going to put me on a 72-hour psychiatric hold.

When I asked him why, he said, "I can clearly see you're nuts."

Reddit is nothing but a damn joke...and here’s why..

Why.

In early The Who gigs their drummer would sometimes go on stage dressed in nothing but a layer of blue paint. However, he didn't do it too often.

In fact, it would only happen once in a blue Moon.

God? What's a billion years like to you? Nothing but a mere sec. Really!? Well then what's a billion dollars to you? Nothing but a penny. Well... Can I have a billion dollars then?

Sure... Hang on a sec.

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Life is getting pretty dull, so I've decided to eat nothing but Swiss cheese

I just need more 'holy shit' in my life

Told my doctor I ate nothing but candy edibles for a month

Turns out I have highiabetes

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You go to a Halloween party wearing nothing but blue jeans. When someone asks you who you are, you reply, "I'm a premature ejaculator."

You see, I just came in my pants.

"Credit goes to some dudes post on something earlier, couldn't find it to give him credit. Thought it was too funny not to share."

Alcohol is nothing but poison

But I drink because there are just things inside of me that need to die.

My grandpa said he was going to take the dog out for a walk. He returned an hour later with nothing but the dog lead.

As tears streamed down his face, he said, "I just... don't know where the little guy went."

"I see your dementia hasn't improved," I sighed. "You left him here on the sofa."

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One thing I really enjoy doing is wearing nothing but a colorful tight bikini bottom that shows off my cock, and then going and strutting around in front of other men and letting them ogle me.

Or as it's also known, "Bodybuilding"

My part-time waitress girlfriend wants to buy nothing but designer outfits...

.. I told her to "act her wage".

One day, a new redditor is browsing /r/jokes and finds that it is nothing but upvoted posts with numbers in the titles.

Confused, he PMs an OP with a lot of upvotes and inquires, "What's up with all the number posts? What's so funny about numbers?"

"Well, you see, we got so many reposts on /r/jokes that we decided to just number all of the old OC and now we just post the numbers for the original jokes; it's mu...

A naked man is walking through the streets in the middle of the night with nothing but cowboy boots on...

The local sheriff pulls up in his cop car.

‘’Sir, what are you doing?!’’ The cop says

‘’Well officer’’ replies the man ‘I met this sweet old lady at the bar earlier and she bought be a drink, we talked for a little bit, she told me to order another drink on her tab, so I did, she star...

An overweight man calls a fitness company and orders their three stage weight loss course. The next day, there's a knock on the door and standing before him, an athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck...

The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her.

A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs him...

My girlfriend said I'm nothing but a bare-faced liar

So I've grown a beard.

My parents have been yelling at me that I'm wasting my life doing nothing but playing video games.

Luckily I have three lives left.

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Due to an extremely rare condition, little Johnny is born with nothing but a head...

No arms, legs or body, just a head. His parents love him anyway and do everything they can to make sure he has the most "normal" childhood possible. They shower him with affection and gifts, and try to make him feel like a normal boy.

The years pass by, and one day the family doctor calls. Th...

A young vulture is tired of eating nothing but scavenged meat...

So he says to his father, "Dad, can't we eat something else for a change? I'd like to try some vegetables."

The father is outraged, claiming that vultures do not eat vegetables, that is not their way. But the young vulture doesn't give up. He asks again the next day, and the next, and the nex...

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There’s a store near my house that sells nothing but basketballs and alcohol.

They call it Rubber Balls and Liquor.

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So there's this guy that does nothing but masturbate and watch Netflix all day...

Oh wait... That's me.

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There's nothing but shit on the TV every night! -moaned my Grandad.

The sanitation in his Nursing Home is dreadful...

If McDonald's starts using nothing but robots

who's going to spit in burger?

A priest entered the bedroom of a possessed boy with nothing but a treadmill and weights

Surprised, the boy's family gave the priest a strange look. He turned to the family, a bit confused himself, and said "I'm here to exercise the demons, right?"

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A woman decided she needed to spice up her sex life. When her husband came home from work she was waiting for him wearing nothing but saran wrap.

When he walked through the door he looked at her and said, “Oh no! Not leftovers again.”

A sailor is stranded on a desert island with nothing but palm fronds and sea anemones to live off. Finally when he was recused the rescuers asked why was he covered in anemones with a ring of palm fronds in arms reach. He replies, 'I keep my fronds close but my anemones closer'.

'With fronds like that, who needs anemones?'

I went to a car show but there were nothing but Fords

I guess you could say it was a real Ford Fiesta

A man goes to a costume party with nothing but a naked lady strapped to his back

"What the hell are you supposed to be" Asked the Host.

The man starts to open his mouth but the woman covered it with one of her hands. "I'm a NASCAR racer" The woman respondedz

"How the hell can you be a NASCAR driver when all you're doing is riding a man? The host asks.

"Oh, t...

I had a dream I was in a part of the US that was filled with nothing but museums.

It was State of the Art.

You are in a room with nothing but a table and a mirror. How do you get out?

You look in the mirror and see what you saw. Take the saw and saw the table in half. Two half's make a whole, go through the hole.

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A guy goes to a Halloween party with nothing but a condom on his nose...

Someone asks him "what have you come as."
The guy shrugs his shoulders and says "fuck knows"

I want to open a bar that serves nothing but expensive beer and baked beans.

I'll call it Farts & Crafts.

What do you call a Scottish lady that wears nothing but a tie?

Hentai.

It's getting colder and colder outside, and my wife does nothing but looks through the window.

If it goes on like this any longer, I think I will have to let her in.

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Did you hear about the man who ate nothing but prune juice and viagra?

He couldn't tell if he was coming or going.

What do you call a boat that gives you nothing but trouble?

A woe boat.

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the li...

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of the mountains.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon, the insects, and a pile of straw on the floor as a bed.

The ne...

Am I adopted?

Fred came home from University in tears.

"Mum, am I adopted?"

"No of course not", replied his mother. Why would you think such a thing?

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of ...

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