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I suggested to my wife that maybe it’s time we asked our roommates to move out, seeing as they are obnoxiously loud and leave their shit everywhere.

After throwing her shoe at me, she told me that it’s apparently illegal to kick your kids out before they are 18.

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My wife suggested I get a penis enlarger

So I did, she's 21 and her name is Krystal

My wife suggested a new hobby for me

DIY Wednesday

My best mate’s dyslexic and one of our teachers suggested he try poetry

He’s made 3 vases so far

My partner suggested getting married to make our relationship more secure...

I suggested we called it our rElaT10nsh!p.

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A married man was visiting his “girlfriend” when she suggested that he shave his beard. “Oh Ken, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.” Ken replied, “My wife loves this beard, there is no way I could shave it, she would kill me!!”

“Oh please?” the girlfriend asked again in a sexy little voice. Ken sighed and finally gave in and shaved his face smooth.

That night Ken crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping. His wife woke up, reached over and felt his face and said, “Oh Tony, you shouldn't be here, my husba...

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This complete stranger PMed me out of nowhere and suggested we meet up in the forest and compare dick sizes!

The perverted fuck didn't even turn up.

NSFW: My wife suggested bringing toys into the bedroom to spice things up.

So I fisted her with hulk hands.

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I was having issues in my personal and professional life. I hated everyone. I was on the brink of a mental breakdown and depression. I decided to see a therapist about it. The therapist suggested that I should write letters to the people I hate and then burn them. I must admit I feel much better...

But now I don't know what to do with the letters.

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OnlyFans has just announced that it is removing all pornography on october 1st.

I suggested they change their name to LonelyFans, but i dunno

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The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head...

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I suggested to my girlfriend that we should try anal..

"Fuck that shit!" She said.

"That's The spirit!'. I replied.

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The legend of Attila the Hun.

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its appet...

A fitness freak friend of mine suggested juice cleanse ...

... but quickly backed away when I started quoting Mein Kampf

How did Ivanka handle her father’s reaction when she suggested they concede?

She shouted: “No Daddy! Stop! I said *concede* not *conceive*”

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor...

They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.

One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.

As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them up.

A few minutes later, a drunkard on his w...

I was having lower back pain from having to stand all day at work and my wife suggested I try orthopedic footwear.

I told her it wouldn't help but she insisted.

I stand corrected.

My wife suggested I should read Pride and Prejudice, but I said no.

I’m too good for it, and I have a feeling it’ll try to lecture me.

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A frustrated wife goes to the doctor (long)

"Doctor, you have to help me. I've been married 30 years to my husband and I feel he's lost all interest in me. You know, phisically speaking. He barely looks at me, let alone have sex with me. Oh, I really miss the good old times where we had wonderful sex multiple times a week, there must be somet...

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My therapist is a genius!

Last week, he suggested we try "exposure therapy" where you face your fears head-on and overcome them.
HIM: So tell me, what are you afraid of?
ME: Well I'm claustrophobic and I'm scared of intimacy.
So he took me into the coatroom and fucked me.

My Supervisor Suggested That I Need To Work On My People Skills

But he's dead now.

The real reason for the missing of many flat-earthers in recent weeks as suggested by their friends of similar thought

The Flat Earth Society has reported that the 6 foot social distancing measures have led to the pushing of some of their members over the edge.

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The Mint Contest

John runs a candy shop, selling mints of all kinds. Business was good, until Covid hit.

John realized he’ll have to shut down the store and risk losing his business, unless he could figure out a way to advertise and sell his confections on the Internet. His nephew suggested running a contest ...

A headline from the Dallas Morning News

Dallas Morning News - A 15 year old boy was at the center of a Dallas County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with chil...

A farmer went out to the field and found one his cows had gone cross-eyed

The cow could hardly walk and kept bumping into things. Fearing it might hurt itself, he called his vet to come have a look at the cow. The vet took one look at the cow and told the farmer "I've seen this before. You stand up there in front and watch her eyes." The vet took out a section of hose, pu...

Trump just suggested that injecting sanitizers like bleach might have a cleansing effect on the body

I think medical research would agree that injecting bleach definitely cures stupidity.

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I had a bad habit of stealing salt from my local deli...

For some reason, I loved putting the salt all over me, even sleeping in piles of it. I talked to a therapist about this problem, and he suggested the first step is confessing it to the store owners. I told them about what I've been doing every time I visit their shop and that seemed to do the trick....

I suggested a unique slogan to my favorite steak place...

We have a place for all God's creatures...right next to the mashed potatoes.

When my wife suggested getting a white noise machine for the bedroom, I was initially ok with it.

Then I realized I hate country music.

Mr. Johnson had been retired for a year when his wife suggested they take a cruise.

“We could go somewhere for a week, and make wild love like we did when we were young!"

He thought it over and agreed. So, he put on his hat and went down to the pharmacy, where he bought a bottle of seasick pills and a box of condoms.

Upon returning home, his wife said,"I've been thi...

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So I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back.

Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

My wife suggested I get an erection enhancer .

So I did.

Her name is Tamy, shes a 21 yr old dancer

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His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but...

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As I approach 50, my wife suggested I get myself one of those high performance penis enlargers...

So I have.

She's 25 and her name is Candy.

House Call

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace the aging doctor there. The older doctor suggested that the younger doctor accompany him as he made his house calls so that the people of the community could become accustomed to him. At the first house they visited, the younger doctor listene...

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My wife is an English teacher and said we couldn't have sex because of her period.

So I suggested we use her colon instead.

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I suggested to my wife that to spice up our sex life, we introduce fruit into the bedroom.

She went fucking bananas.

Three ladies were enjoying wine spritzers, when one suggested they play a game!

She proposed each wife describe which Soda Pop best described their husband in bed?

The First Lady said “my husband is Dr.Pepper, because every night he’s peppy”!

They all giggled!

The second lady said “my husband is 7UP, cause he can get it up 7 days a week”!

The ladie...

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I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon. "Well..." he said. "It could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn't decided who would be first out the door. Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we flip for it."

"And he won?" I asked.

"Well, no." he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped down the ladder. The bastard!"

Birds of no Feathers....

A man from Los Angeles took a job in San Francisco, leaving his 70 yr old, widowed mother of 6 mos to fend for herself. As her birthday was approaching, he went around asking his co-workers for ideas to get his mom a bday gift.

None of their ideas appealed to him, until someone suggested a p...

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At work we were all out of toilet paper. A co-worker suggested I use a dollar.I ended up with shit all over my hand and half way up my arm...

Well, you try wiping with three quarters two dimes and a nickel

I suggested to my wife that we practice social distancing

She agreed, but wanted to call it a trial separation.

A Wife's diary......

Wife's Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I sugges...

I was blind, so my friend suggested me to learn programming.

Now I csharp.

My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card

\-He's a man after my own heart

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If Alabama was a porn movie...

It would be rated PG - Parental Guidance suggested.

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My friend is visiting Germany this week. I suggested he might want to make it a permanent move.

There's fewer Nazis over there.

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Bill complained to his friend that his elbow hurt, so his friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything.

He said ''Just insert a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he inserted the sam...

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In 1946, Sean Connery joined the Royal Navy...

In 1946, Sean Connery joined the Royal Navy. During his time there, he was in charge of a covert operation to spy on a Russian military installation which was directly next to a small lake.

He was in charge of a small team of highly trained soldiers, a few locals recruited to help with the op...

After I ran out of toilet paper, a friend suggested using pages from an old book

That worked OK I guess, but now I'm looking for suggestions to clean a Kindle.

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My wife suggested for sex we do something from a song...

Her friend Eileen wasnt to happy about it.

My kids kept finding all the presents I hid around the house so someone suggested I keep them in the attic.

Now they are crying up there and saying it's too cold and dark.

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Met a lady at a bar one night and after flirting a bit I suggested she comes to my house to suck my dick.

Only after dodging my puke did she realise I was dyslexic

My doctor suggested yoga to reduce stress.

I told her that sounded like a stretch.

Someone suggested I grow out my hair, but only in the back.

Told him I'd mullet over.

Why has President Trump suggested people avoid gatherings of more that 10 people?

Any higher and his supporters would have to remove their shoes and socks to continue counting.

A girl suggested I set up a double date to make our first time out less awkward

I really hope my parents like her

As a new years resolution, my wife suggested I should remove excess fat...

So I filed for divorce!

My wife wanted to watch a movie, I suggested Die Hard, which I borrowed from our 70 y.o neighbor Mr. Murry Habitt back in xmas. I said :

Old Habitt's Die Hard

I went in for my physical, and my doctor suggested, "don't eat anything fatty"

I asked, "like bacon and burgers?"

He said, "no, fatty, don't eat anything!"

This chap lives alone and he was feeling a bit lonely, so he goes to the pet shop to get something to keep him company...

The pet shop owner suggested an unusual pet, a talking millipede.

"OK," thought the man, "I'll give it a go..."

So he bought a millipede, took it home, and for lack of advance preparations, made it a temporary home in a cardboard box.

That evening testing his new pet, he lea...

My wife suggested to spice things up with roleplaying.

I asked her what she had in mind.

“Doctor and patient roleplaying” she said. “I’ll be the doctor.”

“Sounds good to me!” I said.

So she went to the bedroom and I waited in the hall.
I knocked on the door and hear her say: “Do you have an appointment?”

“Well, no...” ...

I was nervous about getting my haircut, so my mum suggested that if I went in with a picture that it would help.

Now I'm sitting here even more nervous, with a photo of my old cat on my lap.

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A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot.

One day a construction crew tumed up
to start building a house on the empty lot. The
young family's 5.year.old daughter naturally took
an interest in all the activity going on next door and ll
spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, more or...

My wife suggested that I do a little light reading to help me relax

I feel worse than before. My eyes hurt, I have a headache and I only managed to make out the words 'Made in Taiwan 100W".

My friends suggested I use tinder to meet some cute firemen or policemen

Once it started to burn, I met so many! I even met a reporter and some lawyers!

In the middle of his administration, President Trump went to give a speech to a prison…

Trump’s speech writer had everything ready for him except for the opening line.

“How about ‘My fellow Americans..’” Trump suggested.
“I’m sorry Mr. President but many prisoners may be of foreign nationality.” His speech writer warned.

“Okay. Then ‘My fellow citizens…’”

“I’...

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A friend suggested that I should get a nose job

But I just can't see my cock fitting into anyone's nostril

My uncle Jim is getting older, and he’s having trouble with his memory

So he went to his doctor, and he started taking these pills to help his memory.

“Hey Uncle Jim,” I said, “what are those memory pills you’re taking called?”

“Ahhhh...um....hmmm” he took a second,

“Hmmmm...hold on let me think ermmmm.....it’s....daisy? No that’s not it....it’s ...

Beyonce was just telling me the best way to source product for my new pillow-making side-hustle. I was very surprised when she suggested punching a duck in the face.

I replied - I didn't know you could get down like that.

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I suggested to a friend that we take up bird watching

He remained unconvinced until I showed him a photo of a nice pair of tits.

A boy was riding his toy firetruck down the street

A passerby saw that the firetruck was being pulled by a dog. The rope used to pull it was tied around the dogs privates, and as a result the boy was being pulled along rather slowly.
The passerby suggested that perhaps the boy would be able to go faster if he tied the rope around the dogs neck....

The Doctor suggested my wife and I try different lubricants to improve our relationship

I think loctite is the superior lubricant, my wife doesn’t agree but I doubt we’ll ever be separated.

My dad suggested I travel the world discover more about myself.

So I went Seoul searching.

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Bill suffered an excruciating pain in his balls since childhood. No doctor could ever diagnose what was wrong with them. So finally, they suggested him to get them operated.

After the operation, now being a free man, with slightly lesser pain than earlier, he was happy and wanted to start his life afresh. So he went to the garments shop closest to the hospital.

'Excuse me, I'd like to buy a suit, could you please take my measures?' said Bill to the owner of the s...

My wife said she would leave me if i suggested getting her tubes tied again...

But i think she's just ovaryacting.

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My wife suggested I get one of those penis enlargers...

... So, I did. She's 21 and her name is Megan.

PS: Even though the joke is in first person, nobody told me to get a penis enlarger.

My kids just got a puppy that is scared of every appliance in the house, but one in particular. I suggested they name it “Nature.”

Because nature abhors a vacuum.

My friend suggested I grow my beard.

At first I wasn't sure if I liked it, but after a couple of weeks it started growing on me.

"Let's procrastinate together," suggested my friend.

I said, "Maybe some other time."

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Once there lived a horny man (NSFW)

There was once a horny man, who always wanted to suck the Queen's tits. He kept fantasizing, but he knew that he could never do it. He got a friend who was in the King's Palace, so he decided to ask him for help. The Friend agreed to help the horny man to fulfill his dream, but the horny man should ...

My friend dropped a penny down their garbage disposal, now it no longer works...

...I suggested she drop another one down there to see if it would dislodge the first. I was just giving her my two-cents.

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An elderly couple sought help from a Sex Therapist.

They both told the therapist how much they both missed "that spark" that they had early in their relationship. The therapist asked some more general questions and give them a "homework" assignment before their next session. The couple happily went on their way and returned next week. The therapist t...

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I don't understand my wife. She seemed enthusiastic when I suggested we make some homemade porn, then she throws a fuckin' fit…

…when I start auditioning women for her part.

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