Thomas finally gave up on his dream of being a champion after always vomiting at the National Spelling Bee

He’d always be known as an expeller now.

Thomas Edison stole the design for a film-playing box from Tesla. Tesla confronted Edison about it, but instead of apologizing he accused Tesla of trying to steal his idea.

Classic case of projection

When Thomas Edison invented the light bulb he threw a huge party, everyone was invited

it was well lit

Who is Thomas the Tank Engine's favorite rapper?

Choo Trains

German joke translated, hope you get it: "Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend..."

"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend..."

"With who?"

"Thomas."

"But since when is Thomas your best friend?"

"Since yesterday."

How did Thomas Edison invent the lightbulb?

He got a bright idea.

Jake decided to send his good friend, Thomas, a bouquet of flowers to celebrate Thomas's business expansion.

He called a florist in Thomas' local area and made arrangements- flowers, personalized note, vase, and so forth.

A week later, Thomas called Jake, confused. "Jake- what the hell? The florist dropped off a bouquet of lilies with a message that says 'Rest in peace.'"

Jake realizes the fl...

I'm not a fan of Thomas Cook.

They're just not Going Places.

In school the teacher asks Joshua what he did during the break.

Joshua answers "I was playing with Thomas in the sand box". The teacher replies "Then come to the front, write sand on the blackboard and if you write it correctly you can go home."
After that the teacher asks Thomas what he did during the break and Thomas replies "I was in the sand box playing ...

Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench....

When a lecherous flasher walked up to them and opened his trench coat exposing his John Thomas.

The first old lady had a stroke...

The second old lady had a stroke...

The third old lady couldn't reach.

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So a nun walks into a liquor store and asks for a bottle...

...finest Irish Whiskey. The clerk says I thought nuns weren't allowed to drink. The nun replies its for father Thomas's constipation. Clerk sells her the whiskey. Couple hours later the clerk sees the nun staggering up the road three sheets to the wind. He accosts her and asks I thought you said it...

What do Gerry McCann and Thomas Cook have in common?

Both will take you on holiday, but they won't bring you home

Two childhood friends, Thomas and Jeremy, won the first division lottery.

A week after having won millions of dollars, Thomas asked "Hey Jeremy, what do we do about the begging letters now we're millionaires?"

"Ah, we keep sending them out and seeing who responds."

One day the famous inventor Thomas Newcomen sits in a pub, crying.

Someone comes up to him and asks him what's wrong. Thomas stifles a sob and says, "Someone made a steam engine that's better than mine."

The guy asked him, "What are you talking about?"

Thomas replies, "Precisely."

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A slice of coconut cream pie is $2.50 in Barbados. It is $2.75 in Trinidad & Tobago. $3.25 on St. Thomas

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

Three days ago, in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic, Donald Trump was visited by the ghost of George Washington.

"George," Trump asked, "how can I fix this? How do I make America great again?"

"Never tell a lie."

"I don't lie. Go away."

Two days ago, he was visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson.

"Hey, Tom, how do I fix this? How can I make America great again?"

"Listen to ...

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[NSFW] Thomas Edison is busy inventing in his basement, when his wife, Mary, goes to a friend's house to ask for her advice.

"Thomas just won't go down on me", Mary tells her friend.

"I'll let you in on a little secret", the friend replies, "If you want oral sex with Thomas, try coating your privates with something sweet tasting, it works for me!"

When Mary arrives home she checks in the cupboards and finds...

3 kids in a forest

One day 3 kids went to the forest

There names are Billy, bob and Thomas

Billy was the oldest and Thomas was the youngest

As they were walking they found a park

The park looked old and rusted except from one new shiny slide in the middle

They walked up to the park...

Famous Quotes from US Presidents

“The harder the conflict, the greater the triumph.” ― George Washington

“Honesty is the first chapter of the book wisdom.” ― Thomas Jefferson

“If tyranny and oppression come to this land it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.” ― James Madison

“Try and fail, but don...

What happens when Thomas gets all the infinity stones

He train-scends

After his rich uncle's death, he was very anxious about his uncle fortune.

"Am I mentioned in the will?" he asked repeatedly.

"Of course you are," replied the solicitor.

Right here in the second page your uncle says:

"To my niece Sally, I bequeath $123,000; to my cousin Thomas, $55,000; and to my nephew Ricky, who was always asking too know if he's me...

I told my girlfriend I was named after Thomas Jefferson.

She said, "Your name is Brian."

I said, "Right. But I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson."

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The Gates of Heaven

Three friends Thomas, Arthur, and Frank die and go to heaven. When they reach the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets them and tells them that due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, God asked him to limit the number of people entering Heaven.

The three friends were sad realizing that all ...

When Thomas The Tank Engine was younger he was very rebellious.

A real steam punk!

Did you know that all the employees of Thomas’ English Muffins are former embezzlers and child care workers?

They’re nothing but crooks and nannies

Famous people and their mothers

*Issac Newton's mother--* "But did you wash the apple before eating it?"

*Archimedes's mother--* "Didn't you have any shame running naked in the street from? And, WHO is this girl Eureka???”

*Thomas Edison's mother--* Of course I am proud that you invented the electric bulb. Now tu...

What do you call a grateful train?

Thomas the Thanks Engine

What do you call it when Thomas the Tank Engine beats his wife?

Domestic Caboose.

George W. Bush, Clarence Thomas, Bill Clinton, Donald Trump, and Brett Kavanaugh all competed in a spelling bee...

Surprisingly, George W. Bush won.



He was the only contestant to spell "harass" as one word.

How many quantitative psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

1, p <= .05.

How many qualitative psychologists does it take?

_disguy. (2020). *Construction and Deconstruction Methods for Lightbulb Assembly* (Doctoral Dissertation). Reddit University,
San Francisco.

Thomas Alva Edison (February 11, 1847 – October 18, 1931) was an A...

Father Thomas, having just graduated from seminary school in Kansas, was assigned to St. Patrick’s Cathedral in NYC.

When he arrived, he was greeted by the Mother Superior, who told him that Reverend O'Donnell was out, and suggested that Thomas take a walk around NYC to see the sights.

As he’s walking down the street, a scantily-clad young woman walks up to him and says, “$25 for a quickie, Father”. Being ...

Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single.

One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"

Thomas replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."

His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I...

Son: Dad, does every father know more than his son?

Dad: Of course.

Son: “So, who invented the electric bulb?”

Dad: “Thomas Edison.”

Son: “But why didn't Edison's father invent the electric bulb?”

Dad: “It was dark everywhere, he was busy inventing Edison.”

Thomas always wanted to change the World...

it wasn't until he fell out the 40th story window, however, that he made a real impact.

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Thomas Young had a threesome...

he called it the Double Clit Experiment.

I said to myself, "Thomas, today is the day you start eating healthy and exercising".

Thank God my name isn't Thomas!

It took years for Thomas Edison to perfect the light bulb...

But that's because he was working in the dark.

What do you call a steam engine that transports low purity meth?

Thomas the Crank Engine

In the early 20th Century, Thomas Edison was spreading the word about electricity.

Once, while vacationing out West, he stopped at the Sioux reservation. Edison was shocked to learn that there was no indoor plumbing, and that he would have to use an outhouse. In fact, he was told, the Sioux had to use the outhouse regardless of the weather.

To help the Sioux, Edison insta...

Jesus likes to drink wine.

As we all know, Jesus liked to drink wine. One day, however, he got tired of wine. He said unto John and Thomas, "Go, and fetch me some ingredients so that I may create another kind of drink." And so they went to the market, and John asked Thomas "So, what should we get Him?" Thomas responds, "The r...

I believe the theological philosopher Thomas Aquinas was rather overweight......

I guess this makes him an early deep fat friar

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The latest your momma joke to hit the internet...

Your momma has fucked more people than Thomas Cook

Two Irishmen sat at a bar...

To pass the time, they began to get to know each other.

“Where you from, laddie?” said the first

“Oh, I’m from Dublin, ya see” said the second.

“Oh ya don’t say! I’m from Dublin, too! What parish were ye in?”

“Oh I was in the St. Thomas parish, ya see”

“Ya dont say...

Kerala was the first indian state where Hindus got converted to Christianity

Saint Thomas, who was one of the disciples of Jesus Christ visited Kerala in 52 AD.

How did St Thomas convert Keralites to Christianity ?

St Thomas said, "Jesus healed the sick ".
People didn't believe .

He said, "Jesus died for you".
People said "Oh pl...

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WHY PEOPLE HATE SCHOOL RE-UNIONS

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school.

They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, in grey...

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Thomas is an alcoholic...

... every night after work he swings by the bar to sneak in a round or two on his way home. One night in particular he goes a bit too heavy. He realizes this when he closes his tab and gets up to leave and immediately falls on his face. After a couple failed attempts to get up, knowing that he must ...

Things mothers said

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER:
"Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now, turn it off and get to bed!"


ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER:
"Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"


ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTH...

I like my coffee like Thomas Jefferson likes his women

Hand picked from a field.

I was in my hotel lobby, and I heard two chess Masters bragging about past wins.

They were chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

( Credit to Thomas Sanders, this made me laugh, I thought other people should see it. )

No place like home...

Tom had lived in New York City for 30 years now. As he looked out the window of his office suite, he realized it was Christmas Eve.

He had been so absorbed with the company business and without a family of his own, had really not been paying attention to the holidays. As he stared at t...

Why does Thomas Edison hate Ubisoft Montreal

Cause he didn't like AC

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Genie: Tell Me, Whats Your First Wish?

Thomas: I Wish I Was Rich.



Genie: Granted, What's Your Second Wish?



Rich: Where The Fuck Is My Money Asshole?

Batman in school

When Bruce was still a kid and was in school, one day a teacher announced  “Listen, children. We’re going to play a game called ‘Three Questions’. When I come to you, I want you to answer these three questions. What’s your name? What’s your dad’s name? What does Dad do for a living?”

When she...

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Freddie died in a fire

Freddie was a well respected member of his community, however his two best friends James and Thomas were a lot more boisterous and seen as a bit dim witted amongst the neighbourhood. One night Freddie's house catches on fire and Freddie is engulfed in the flames.

The next day a police office...

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Osama goes to heaven.

Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.

"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr.
Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the
Americans' liberty, so they gave you...

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If Bruce Wayne was a millennial...

*after the well incident*

Thomas : Why do we fall, Bruce?

Bruce (mumbles): Running a billion dollar empire focused on science, don't know what fucking gravity is. Great!!

Hillary Clinton is elected President.

On her first night in the White House (not counting when she was first lady), she is visited by the ghost of George Washington.

She asks, "What can I do to help America?"

Washington replies "Serve your country selflessly and always be honest"

*Hillary laughs in his face*

...

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.

Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

St. Peter addresses the man wearing somewhat sloppy clothes, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Jack Thomas Jr., taxi-d...

A boy is visiting his girlfriend's parents for the first time.

He's looking for a drinking glass when he notices a row of cups in the cabinet, each of them inscribed with what seems like half words. He picks one of them down just as girlfriend's mom walks in, and he asks her what the cups are for.

"Oh those. They're family cups, one for each member, but ...

I thought you said...

Thomas an 82 yo guy , is at Doctors getting a medical.
Few Days later , the Doc sees him walking down street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
At the following check up the Doctor says "you're really doing great " to which Thomas replies "Just following your advice Doc, get a hot momma ...

The LAST Last Supper

On the eve of his crucifixion, Christ gathered his disciples for a final meal.

As he broke bread, Christ turned to the table and said, "On this night, one of you shall betray me."

There is a panicked murmur among the disciples.

Finally Peter steps forward. "Is it I, Lord? Am I ...

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"Doctor," the embarrassed man said,

"I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.

"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie...

Happy Easter Weekend ...

It is the day of Christ's crucifixion, and Jesus is being nailed in as his followers gather at the base of Golgotha to weep and mourn.

As they pray, they hear Jesus call out in a soft voice: "Peter ... Peter ..."

"Our Lord calls to you, Peter!" Thomas says.

Emboldened, Peter t...

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Sorry if I scared you...

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its
cruising altitude, the Captain announced:
'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain.
Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Oslo.
The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth,
uneventful fli...

It was Donald Trump's first day in office, and he had no clue what to do...

He decided to call upon the ghosts of previous great presidents to ask for their advice.

"What do I have to do to become a great president?" Trump asked the ghost of George Washington.

"You must never tell a lie," Washington responded.

Trump scoffed. "No way! do you really expec...

Just seen a sign "Turkey £29" in the butcher's window...

...That's £300 cheaper than Thomas Cook.

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What was hitler’s favorite TV show as a kid?

Thomas the tank engine

What does the "M." in M. Night Shyamalan stand for?

Thomas.

My wife always tells me that I treat my kid unfair. I don't even know which one she means.

Thomas, Carl or the fat and ugly one?

2 men were lost in the desert

Their car broke down and they were wandering for hours. It's midday and the sun was scorching hot. They're lost, hungry and their throat were parched. In the distance they saw a huge mosque.

Man 1: Let's pretend to be Muslims and they'll give us food and water.

Man 2: You go ahead and...

George Washington : We should put "We trust in God" on our money.

Thomas Jefferson : Great idea. Did you get that?

Yoda *taking notes* : Yep!

An aristocrat Bostonian lady hired a new chauffeur. As they started out on their first drive, she inquired:

"What is your name?"

"Thomas, ma'am," he answered.

"What is your last name," she said. "I never call chauffeurs by their first names."

"Darling, ma'am," he replied.

"Drive on - Thomas," she said.

(Rapp, Albert 1951. On the Origins of Wit and Humor. New York: Dutton...

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Good ol’ Edward

A young man called Edward wanted to buy a Birthday present for his new girlfriend. They had only just started going out with each other and she lived a considerable distance away.

Edward consulted his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would st...

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Have what it takes to become a Monk?

Thomas decieded to live his life in service to the Lord. So he went to the nearby monastery to join the Benedictine order of monks there. Thomas was welcomed by Brother John, who gave him a tour of the monastic life. Thomas was excited and eager to join.

Brother John laid out the conditions o...

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A beautiful woman on the top floor of a 4 storey apartment building trips and falls over her balcony.

The neighbour living in the floor below happened to be outside when he heard her scream. He looked up and saw her coming down and as any good man would do, he caught her in his arms as she dangled over the edge.

"Save me, please!!" She cried.

The man began to pull her up but stopped w...

I said this when I was 6, and everyone laughed

Two twins came to our house one day, and I kept calling them the wrong names (they were their names, but I said Harry to Thomas and vice-versa)

My dad came to me and said 'can't tell them apart, can ya?'

'No dad, I can't tell 'em together!'

(Waits for downvotes)

Edit: fir...

“Mommy, can you make me a sandwich?”

“First, you can make you your own freaking sandwich. And second, you don’t have to call me 'Mommy' just because I’m sleeping with your father.”

“But, but ... what should I call you?”

“Thomas is fine.”

A man introduces his two kids.

He says, “These are my children, Frankincense and Bob.”

The other man responds, “Oh, I thought the other child would have been named Myrrh.”

The father responds, “Oh no, we get that all the time. You see my wife and I are HUGE fans of particular books and movies so we named them after ...

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In an 3rd grade American class room...

The teacher is discussing U.S. presidents.

"Who gave the Gettysburg Address?" she asked the class.

Immediately a hand shot up belonging to a female Japanese foreign exchange student.

"Yes?" the teacher asked.

"Abraham Lincoln! 1863!" replied the girl proudly.

"That...

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Two U.S Army Band members decide to go A.W.O.L for the weekend... [Long]

AWOL means "Absent with out leave" the military takes no call no shows pretty seriously

Two members of the US Army, Jack and Thomas, (both flutists) band decide to have a little fun, and go AWOL. They go out on the the bars, and get rightfully drunk. They're having the time of their life, do...

The story of Quasimodo

This was my grandfather's favorite joke. Its a long one but clean and funny.



Quasimodo was looking through the classified one day when he spotted a job opening for bell ringer at St Thomas Cathedral.
He immediately ran to see the bishop and said, "bishop, bishop, I want to be th...

Two guys got lost in the Egyptian desert

Both christians, one named John and the other named Thomas. They were starving and about to collapse when they spotted a Mosque, They rushed there for help. The Imam came out and asked for their names, John came up with 'Abdullah' in a panic and Thomas just said his name. The Imam hastily told the p...

Tesla, Oscar Wilde, and Sherlock Holmes walk into a bar.

The punchline of this joke was patented and then hidden by Thomas Edison.

So there's this barber in a small town...

So there's this barber in a small town. One day he's sitting in his barbershop and a man walks in wearing a pair of sandals, and a long brown robe with a hood. The man sits down in the barber's chair. "Excuse me," says the barber. "I was wondering: why are you dressed like that?"
"Well," says th...

Bottle Number 43

A new miracle doctor comes to town, who people say could cure anything. John, the local doubting Thomas, decides to prove the doctor a fraud.
He goes to the doctor and says: "Hey, doc. I've lost my sense of taste." The doctor thinks a while, scratches his head and tells John: "What you need is ...

Shipwrecked Mime

A traveling theater company boards a ship to the Pacific. The ship sinks and three men find themselves in a lifeboat: Francois the mime, Leo the juggler, and Thomas the producer.

Leo and Francois have always been best friends, but Francois has lost a lot of blood in the wreck and doesn't have...

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Penis Size

A bunch of guys are sitting around and talking. One of them says, “So I heard the other day that you can tell a man's penis size by how long his name is”. He looks at another man and says, "Like, for instance, your name is Thomas. You could go by Tom or Tommy, but you go by Thomas, which is six lett...

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Confessional

When nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.

Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever...

Little Johnny is in Sunday School,

and little Mary Margaret in the front row pipes up, "Sister Jean, what part of our body gets to heaven first?"

And the sister Jean smiles and asks, "Well what do you think, class? What part of your body gets to heaven first?"

Tommy raises his hand, "I think it's your hands, 'cuz that'...

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