A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous.

God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the gr...

My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

A man dies and is waiting to be transported to heaven

He asks Death about what happens next. Death replies "YOU WERE A GOOD MAN ON EARTH , YOU WILL GO TO HEAVEN , WHERE YOU WILL ENJOY ETERNAL YOUTH , YOU CAN DO BASICALLY ANYTHING YOU WANT , ANYTHING YOUR HEART DESIRES ". The man thinks to himself, "that's wonderful", and settles down for the journey....

The Wine Taster At An Old Vineyard Died. A Homeless Guy, Looking Ragged And Dirty, Came To Apply. He Persuaded The Manager To Give Him A Try.

The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped and spit. “It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels." He said. "Impressive," said the manager.

The man is given another. "Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the N...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dol...

Where do terrorists go when they die?

Everywhere

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 people die and end up in hell...

The first was an alcoholic, the second was a womanizer, the 3rd was a pothead.

Satan spoke: "Your punishment for squandering your lives on addiction is simple. What you valued the most in your life will be provided to you in infinite supply, however, you will remain with only your vice in a l...

A woman in my office died.

A woman in my office died.

It’s not like I didn’t notice but for months afterwards I kept on copying her into emails.

Some people got upset and I was like
‘Sorry - I CC dead people.’

In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick from a moose than a terrorist attack.

Those damn moose limbs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my genie I wish not to die a virgin

He granted me immortality.

An engineer dies and goes to hell

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to t...

When you die, what part of the body dies last?

The pupils…they dilate.

Two Trump supporters die and go to heaven

God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions. One of them says, “Yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?”

God says, "My son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232.”

After a fe...

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're assigned to hell."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of accommodations and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they’ve got air-conditioning and flush toilets, escalators, elevators and so on ... and the e...

Wife asks her husband will he remarry if she dies.

Husband: No how can I think of remarrying.

Wife: Why not? You would need a partner for your bad times. Please remarry if I die.

Husband: You are so sweet... Even after death, you are worried about me.

Wife: Will you let her use my car?

Husband: Of course not

Wife: ...

My obese parrot just died.

I am devastated, but at the same time it’s a huge weight off my shoulders.

My girlfriend's dog died so I got her an identical one

She got even more upset and shouted at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bus full of nuns crashes and they all die and go to the pearly gates.

There they are met by St Peter. St Peter asks the first nun:

"Sister, have you ever touched a penis?"
The Sister replies:
"Yes, with the tip of my finger"

"OK, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy water and in you go"

The next sister approached St Peter and He made the s...

A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist, "I’d like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes."

The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I’m going to have to call the police and report you."

The woman removes something from her pocket and hands it to him. He looks at it and discovers that it’s a picture of her husband making love to the pharmacist's wife.
...

A flat-earther dies and goes to heaven.

He arrives in heaven and is met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
“You’ve lived your life free from sin and because of this, we welcome you into heaven my child.” Says Saint Peter.

The flat-Earther breathes a sigh of relief and starts to make his way through the gates of heaven. Before h...

My wife asked me if she died would I re-marry?

I said no, I'd just go and live with my brother.

I asked her if she'd re-marry if I died.

She said no, she would just go and live with my brother too

A German Shepherd, a Doberman, and a cat died.

In Heaven, all three faced God, who wanted to know what they believed in.

The German Shepherd said, “I believe in discipline, training, and loyalty to my master.”

“Good!” said God. “Sit at my right side.” Then God asked, “Doberman, what do you believe in?”

The Doberman answere...

An old priest died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven

Next to him was a young Uber driver who died seconds ago from his reckless driving.

The priest was called first, and St Peter said, "For your life long career working for the church, we will give you a small studio where you can stay at for the rest of eternity."

Then St Peter turns to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know pigeons die after sex?

Well, at least all the ones I've fucked have.

my nagging wife died suddenly on a trip in Jeruselum

Funeral director: "Sir, it would cost about $45,000 if we send her home back to the states or $500 if we bury her here in Jerusalem"

Me: "ship her home"

Funeral director: "But sir, why don't you bury her here in the Holy Land and you can save money"

Me: "A long time ago a man wa...

After my wife died, I couldn’t even look at another woman for 10 years. But now that I’m

Out Of Jail, I Can Honestly Say It Was Worth It!

16 years ago the pope died.

And when he got to heaven he was greeted by angels.

"How are you mr.Pope?"

"Wonderful, I am so delighted to be in the gracious kingdom of heaven."

After checking the pope in the angels gave him a tour of heaven. Het got to see giant fountains, beautiful parks, and a huge mansio...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three nuns die and go to heaven.

St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and tells them that they’ll have to each answer a question about the Bible before being allowed into heaven.

“Sister, tell me, what is the holy trinity?” he asks the first nun.

The first nun answers “The father, the son and the Holy Ghost”. <...

When I die, I wish to be buried with my record collection...

It will be my Vinyl resting place

Two Canadians Die and End Up In Hell

Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hel...

What does a southern Buddhist say when they die?

“What in reintarnation!”

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

A man died after falling into a vat of coffee.

His wife told reporters, at least he didn't suffer - it was instant.

I just got back from the funeral of my 82 year old neighbour who died after falling off his roof when fixing his TV antenna.

The funeral was sad, but the reception was excellent.

Hindu dies and goes to heaven...

Hindu dies and goes to heaven. He's standing at the pearly gates, talking to St Peter. He says, "I wish to speak to Jesus Christ", and St Peter turns his head and yells, "Jesus, your cab is here!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

Steven Spielberg died and went to Heaven.

"Thank goodness you made it to Heaven!" said St. Peter. "God is producing a movie and He wants you to direct it."

"Directing movies was what I did in my mortal life," said Spielberg. "This is my eternal life. I want my eternal life to be relaxing."

"I haven't told you about the film cr...

A man goes on vacation to Israel with his wife and his stepmother. While in Israel, his stepmother died at the hotel. The people there told him:

"Sir, if you want to bury her back in the United States, it's going to cost you $5,000 to bring back her corpse. But since she died at the hotel, we can do the funeral here in Israel for free. r>

The man immediately refused and said he would pay the $5,000 fee to do the funeral back home.<...

Granddad died the other week, only he was wearing a blue suit when his wishes were to buried in a black suit

Only problem was we don't have enough money to afford a new suit after the funeral costs.


The undertaker tells us not to worry and to come back in a week to finalise the funeral details.


We come back the next week and there's granddad in a lovely new black suit, i ask "how ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy dies and suddenly finds himself in Hell...

He trepidatiously follows the crowd towards the Gates of Hell. He finds a demon holding a piece of cardboard with his name on it.

"Craig?," asks the demon as the man approaches.

"Y... yes," answers Craig, unsure of how to handle the situation.

"Hi. I'm Ed. I know what you're thi...

Have you heard about the man who recently died working at the glasses factory?

Apparently he fell right into the glass grinder, making a spectacle of himself.

A guy dies and is sent to hell.

Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in.
In the first room, people are standing in dirt up to their necks. The guy says, ‘No, let me see the next room.’
In the second room, people are standing in dirt up to their noses. Guy says no aga...

The guy who stole my diary just died

My thoughts are with his family.

Musicians never die

They just decompose.

I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”...

I was quite surprised that “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.

If you die eating spaghetti...

you pasta way

I feel bad for the man who died from drowning in oil.

Such a crude way to die.

An old ladies dies and goes to heaven...

When she gets there, she is confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter.

She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station.

Finally, she sees so...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Isaac Newton died a virgin, which means I have a one-up on one of history’s greatest scientific genuises

Because I’m not dead.

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

If Jesus died for our sins...

Who died for cos and tan?

I heard male bees die after mating

I call that a honey nut cheerio

A man dies and goes to hell.

Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.


At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil ...

An engineer dies and mistakenly gets sent to hell

At first he’s in shock, he wasn’t supposed to end up here! But then he starts to look around & notice things.
Everyone is always so grouchy because of the heat, so he fixes the AC. And they’re always bored because there’s nothing to do, so he fixes the cable box. Slowly but surely he starts ...

My son, who's into astronomy, asked me how stars die.

"Usually an overdose, son," I told him.

Math Teachers never die

They just reduce to lowest terms

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Jewish friend says this is a non-offensive Holocaust joke

A Holocaust survivor died recently. Goes to Heaven and upon meeting God, he decided to tell a Holocaust joke. Then God said "That's not funny", to which the Jew replied "Oh, I guess you had to be there".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did Jesus die as a virgin?

No, he was nailed on the cross.

A bus full of housewives went to a picnic but fell into a river and everyone on board dies.

All the husbands cried for almost a week but a guy cried over three weeks. One of them consoles him and asked," Do you miss your wife so much." He replies,"No, my wife missed the bus."

Two heroin addicts die and stand before Saint Peter at the pearly gates

They ask Saint Peter if they’re allowed in, and Peter reviews their records.

“Wow, I’m really not sure guys. It says here you’ve done a lot of bad things. Stealing, lying, generally bad addict behavior things. I can’t make this call, I have to go ask the big guy himself”, Peter says.

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you guys know that squirrels die after sex?

It's kind of a pain, you have to find a new one every time.

The inventor of the throat lozenge has died.

There will be no coffin at his funeral.

My Korean friend died yesterday

So Yung...

3 nuns died in a car accident.

They reached to the gates of heaven but St.Peter said "so I know you are people of the cloth but I decided that I am not going to just let people in, I'm going to give you a test".


So he goes to the youngest nun and says "who was the first man on earth". Nun 1: "Adam" a hand reaches ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just found out that Bilbo Baggins died from a Viagra overdose. And that just goes to show you...

... old hobbits die hard

A man is dying. He lies in his bed with his wife next to him.

He says to her:

'you remember when i lost my job some years ago?'

'yes'

'you were by my side'

'yes'

'and when our son died in a car crash?'

'yes'

'you were by my side'

'yes'

'and now I'm dying of cancer you're still by my side'

'y...

A Joke for a Sunday

Jesus was relaxing in Heaven when he noticed a familiar looking old man. Wondering if the old man was His father Joseph, Jesus asked him, "Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?"

"Yes," said the old man, "but he wasn't my biological son. He was born by a miracle, by the intervention of a m...

You hear about the chef who died

He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will become a pizza history. How sad that he ran out of thyme. His wife is really upset cheese still not over it.

Before he died,

my Father said he was going to set me up for life. I didn’t know what to say.

Until the cops blamed me for the murder he committed..

My friend just told me, "I hope you die in a deep hole filled with water".

I know he means well

Someone close to me died recently...

Shouldn't have snuck up on me like that.

Steve Irwin lived the way he died

With animals in his heart.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Bob."

Bob was stunned, "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"

St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.

The next thing...

I was thinking about how a persons conciousness forms and what happens to it when you die...

Where did you come from, where did you go, where did you come from consciousness Joe?

A man travelled to the future to see how he died.

Past man followed himself through the timeline (without being noticed) to find the day he died.

He then followed himself around town to see how he died.

First, future man went to the bank. He withdrew some money and got on his way.

Next, he got on a train to get somewhere else....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Winnipeg man dies and goes to hell.

When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says "sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here."

The man says, "No problem. I'm from Winnipeg."

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then ...

I wasn't close to my mother-in-law when she died.

It's been five years, and the police still can't prove otherwise.

I want to die like my pilot father, peacefully sleeping

Unlike the rest of the passengers on the plane, screaming.

The guy who invented Velcro died today.

RIP

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man asks his doctor: "Do you think I'll live to be a hundred?"

The doctor asks the man "Well, that depends. Do you drink?"

"Oh, no sir! I abstain from all alcohol. Soda, too. I just drink plenty of fresh water."

"Do you smoke?"

"No, sir! Never smoked in my life, and I stay away from any place with second hand smoke."

"Do you eat a lo...

My daughters pet lamb died today.

The grieving process was delicious.

If you die and get cremated, . . .

you can be put into an hourglass and still be included in family game night.

Why did the dinosaurus die out?

Erreptile Disfunction.

A man was riding on the bus and reading and article about life and death statistics. Fascinated he turns to the fellow sitting next to him and says "did you know that everytime I breathe somebody's dies?"

The fellow turns to him and says "have you tried mouthwash?"

When my dad died it was left to me to manage his affairs

How he kept all those women a secret from my mum I'll never know

One day in April, three blondes died at the same time and found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates.

"All three of you have sinned your whole lives," said St. Peter. "Normally, I would send you straight to hell. But since it's near Easter, if you can tell me what Easter is, I will let you into heaven."

"I know what Easter is!" said the first blonde. "Easter is when you dress up as something ...

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Pe...

"John, bad news. Your mother-in-law died."

John is told that his mother-in-law has died. He removes the cross with Jesus from the wall and begins to take Jesus off the cross with a screwdriver. Family asks him: "What the hell are you doing?" John say: "Jesus set me free, and I'll set him free!"

A man dies and goes to Hell.

Satan greets him and says, "Welcome to hell, Dave. First, the Wi-fi password is..."

Dave says, "Wait, you guys have wi-fi?"

Satan replies, "Of course we do."

"That's certainly not bad at all" says Dave.

Satan continues, "So, as I was saying, the wi-fi password is the numb...

When Mozart died, you could hear his music playing backwards at his grave.

He was decomposing.

Three women die and go to heaven

There are ducks everywhere on the ground and floors. St. Peter tells them: "This is Heaven, you can do anything you like, as long as you don't step on a duck. If you step on a duck, you will be punished."

The first woman tries very carefully to not step on a duck, but slips up and accidentall...

My neighbor is a 90 year old with Alzheimer's, I see him every morning and he asks me if I've seen his wife. Every day I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question.

But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex After Death

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact. “Judy, Judy.”<...

I dispute those studies that claim people often die from smoking.

My uncle smoked, and he only died once.

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation

Years ago, when one could actually enjoy travel, a man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem and while they were there, the wife unfortunately passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped bac...

Did you hear about the anti masker who died?

They went scuba diving

You know I actually haven’t died a single time in ANY of the dark souls games

Granted I’ve never played them

My remote control batteries died out today.

So I gave them away, free of charge.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Back when Pope John Paul II died, the Vatican College of Cardinals were faced with the responsibility of choosing a new pope for the Catholic Church...

... At first, they favored a British Cardinal by the name of Cardinal Nigel Mason.

Card. Mason had been a pilot in WWII, fighting Germany's Luftwaffe. He was decorated for his service, during which he shot down 12 Nazi fighter planes.

He himself was finally shot down and made a rough l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man dies and goes to Hell.

Satan is giving him the tour and explains he has a choice of 3 rooms in which to receive his eternal punishment.

He opens the door to the first room. It's vast and the man sees billions of people all standing on their heads, eating ice-cream. The man is surprised by the ice cream but shudders...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A school bus full of Catholic girls drives off a cliff and they all die.

A bus filled with 18 year old sheltered Catholic school girls drove off a cliff and they all died. So they all form a single file line in front of the gates of heaven and saint Peter says to the first girl "have you ever touched a man's penis?" And the girl says "yes but just with the tip of my fing...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My printer died last night under suspicious circumstances.

Epson didn't kill itself.

When the Kardashians die, they won't be buried or cremated.

They'll be recycled.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandpa told me, "All you kids do these days is play video games."

"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the M...

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces =, ''if i'm going to die, i want to die feeling like a woman.''

She removes all her clothing and asks, ''is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?''

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, ''Here, iron this!''

Three nuns die and go to Heaven...

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells them that they must each answer a biblical question to get in, but he reassures them that they're quite easy.

"Who was the first woman?" He says to the first nun.

"Eve." The gates swing open and she walks in.

"Where did Eve live?" He says to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to a hospital and sees a man masturbating.

He asks the nurse why is he doing so. The nurse explains to him that if he doesn't masturbate every 6 hours there would be a clot and he would die. Then in the next room, he sees a nurse giving a blowjob to a guy. He then says, "You will have to explain this." The nurse replies, "Same problem better...

My buddy has been really depressed since his pet dolphin died.

His life has no porpoise.

Sad News: The founder of /r/jokes has passed away

RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74

Why did the man with the peanut allergy die in prison?

He was sentenced to the nuthouse.

A man heard his friend had lost two wives in two years. He felt bad so he called to give his condolences. He asked "how'd your first wife die?" "She ate poison mushrooms." "What about you second wife?" "She died of blunt trauma to the head." "Why would that have happened?''

"She wouldn't eat her mushrooms."

My grandmother died on her 100th birthday

The worst bit is we were only half way through giving her the birthday bumps

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 nuns die and go to heaven!

4 nuns die in a car accident and arrive outside the gates of Heaven. St. Peter greets them and says "I know that all of you have regularly attended confession and confessed to many sins, but as the Lord is all knowing, he is aware that there are some sins that all of you haven't yet confessed to and...

Guys I found out why Simbas Dad died.

He didn't Mufasa nough

(my friend told me this joke lol)

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then ...

Not a joke but a real incident that happened to an indian acquaintance of mine when he moved to Australia for higher studies..

So he comes out of the airport and gets into the cab.

The Aussie cab driver asked where he is from ?

He replied 'India '.

The cab driver asked ' So did you come to die?'

He froze as it was the times when there were racial attacks by white Aussies on people of indian des...

Donal Trump dies and goes to hell. When he arrives at the door, the devil said “I don’t know what to tell you. You’re on the list, but there’s no room left. However, there’s three people in here who all were better than you, so, here’s what I’ll do:

I’ll show you the three people, and their punishment, and I’ll let you choose which punishment you get. So, the devil opens one door, and Donald looks in. The was Richard Nixon, who dove into a pool of water, then after a few seconds, surfaced with nothing. Donald Trump said “I definitely can’t do t...

The guy who invented autocorrect dies.

Is he going to heaven or hello?

I've heard of lot of anti-semetic jokes recently and I'm quite tired of them, especially as my Grandad died in Auschwitz...

If anyone wants to know how, he fell off the guard tower.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.


The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the mo...

A lawyer dies and appears in front of the golden gates of heaven...

He finds himself at the back of a long queue of Popes.

Suddenly, St. Peter grabs him and takes him straight through the pearly gates.

“I don’t understand" the lawyer said puzzled. “There's hundreds of Popes waiting in line and you've let me in before them. Why?"

“Sir,” said St...

Trump dies and goes to hell..

... where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go,...

A die-hard fan was very surprised to see an empty seat at the Superbowl...

He noticed a woman sitting next to the empty seat and made a remark about it to her.

"Well, it was my husband's", she said. "But he died."

"Oh my gosh!" He said. "I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm surprised that another friend or family member didn't jump at the chance to take the tic...

A husband died.

A few years later the wife died. As she got to heaven she saw her husband and ran up to him with tears in her eyes.

"Darling, oh how I missed you!"

The husband extends his arms stopping her from embracing him and says,

"Whoa there woman. The contract was until death."

"apparently your name spelt backwards is how you'll die"

**Lana:** oh no

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question: "When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said "I think it's your hands.” "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.” “What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and...

(A joke my physics teacher told) There was a Bulgarian man who drove trains for a living...

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incid...

The Monkees died in a plane crash

My wife told me this the other day. I mean, at first I didn’t believe her.

But then I saw her face.

Now I’m a bereaver.

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven

St Peter greets them and says, "Sisters, as you all led such wonderful lives, I'm allowing each of you to return to earth for six months in the body of anyone you choose."

The first nun says "I want-a to be Beyonce!" and with that she's gone.

The second nun says "I want-a to be Lady Ga...

A kid's dog is going to die in three weeks...

"Don't be sad, son," says the kid's dad. "Benjy wouldn't want you to be sad. He would want you to remember all the good times you had together." "Really?" asks the kid. "Tell you what son," says the dad, "on the last week, we can throw a party. For Benjy and you." "Can I invite all my friends?" asks...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man dies and goes to hell

The man is greeted by a demon when he arrives. He asks “where’s all the fire and brimstone and Torture devices?”

“Oh no no no, that’s all just mythology! We don’t do any of that down here in Hell! Let me walk you through the schedule. Do you like to eat?”

“Yeah! I love a good meal!” S...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pope and R. Kelly die on the same day

Due to a minor mix up, the Pope is sent to hell and R. Kelly is sent to heaven.

Unfortunately, St. Peter tells the men he won't be able to get the issue sorted out until the next day, meaning that both men have to spend the night in their respective places.

The next day after the issu...

I just saw that Chuck Yeager has died

...and then I heard it a few seconds later

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.

However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can a...

A programmer dies and meets St Peter outside the pearly gates.

[credit: my gf's shower thoughts]

A programmer dies and meets St Peter outside the pearly gates.

As St Peter goes through his list, he discovers the programmer's name on the list.

"ah, it seems you have too many sins to be permitted into heaven. I'm sorry, but I'm going to have ...

When I die

I’m going to get put in a rocket and be launched into the moon. That way my descendants can look at the crash site and see the impact I’ve made.

So this dude dies and goes to heaven.

As he's approaching the pearly gates, St Peter says to him. "Okay, it's like this. You don't get into heaven just for being good anymore. You have to have done something really great. Can you think of anything that might qualify you?" The man says. "Well, I once saw a group of really mean bikies har...

My wife and I had two miscarriages last year, and I believe there should be more jokes about miscarriages so we talk about it more...

The only problem is most of the jokes die before you finish delivering them.

—————————————————————

*The title of the post is true and humor is how I deal with my pain*

The creator of the PDF format died today

The good news is we can confirm the Save to Cloud feature has worked correctly.

What’s it called when you die and come back as a hillbilly?

Reintarnation

The co-founder of Adobe who developed the PDF file format has died.

The funeral viewing will be a closed casket since it's too much trouble trying to open it.

Three men one from Florida, one from Texas, and one from New York all die and go to hell

When they get there they see a big red phone and they asked Satan what it's for, he says it's for calling earth but it's super expensive. The man from Texas says "Great I would love to call my hometown in Dallas" he talks for 2 hours and Satan charges him 2 million dollars. The man from Florida says...

The person who discovered wheat intolerance has died.

The family has requested, NO FLOURS.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old holocaust survivor dies and gets into heaven

He seeks out God and asks him: "Hey God, I've heard this really funny joke on earth. Do you want to hear it?"

God smiles serenly and answers: "Yes, my son, please tell it to me."

The jew grins and says: "How do you get the number of a girl in Auschwitz? You look on her arm!"

God...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.