An old priest died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven

Next to him was a young Uber driver who died seconds ago from his reckless driving.

The priest was called first, and St Peter said, "For your life long career working for the church, we will give you a small studio where you can stay at for the rest of eternity."

Then St Peter turns to...

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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, ...

A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist, "I’d like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes."

The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I’m going to have to call the police and report you."

The woman removes something from her pocket and hands it to him. He looks at it and discovers that it’s a picture of her husband making love to the pharmacist's wife.
...

Two Trump supporters die and go to heaven

God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions. One of them says, “Yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?”

God says, "My son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232.”

After a fe...

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Did you guys know that squirrels die after sex?

It's kind of a pain, you have to find a new one every time.

A man dies and goes to hell.

Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.


At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil ...

An engineer dies and mistakenly gets sent to hell

At first he’s in shock, he wasn’t supposed to end up here! But then he starts to look around & notice things.
Everyone is always so grouchy because of the heat, so he fixes the AC. And they’re always bored because there’s nothing to do, so he fixes the cable box. Slowly but surely he starts ...

A man is dying. He lies in his bed with his wife next to him.

He says to her:

'you remember when i lost my job some years ago?'

'yes'

'you were by my side'

'yes'

'and when our son died in a car crash?'

'yes'

'you were by my side'

'yes'

'and now I'm dying of cancer you're still by my side'

'y...

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Did you know pigeons die after sex?

Yeah, apparently. Well, at least the one I f%$*ed did.

I heard male bees die after mating

I call that a honey nut cheerio

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

My friend just told me, "I hope you die in a deep hole filled with water".

I know he means well

A man dies and goes to Hell.

Satan greets him and says, "Welcome to hell, Dave. First, the Wi-fi password is..."

Dave says, "Wait, you guys have wi-fi?"

Satan replies, "Of course we do."

"That's certainly not bad at all" says Dave.

Satan continues, "So, as I was saying, the wi-fi password is the numb...

My neighbor is a 90 year old with Alzheimer's, I see him every morning and he asks me if I've seen his wife. Every day I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question.

But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”...

I was quite surprised that “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.

Did you hear about the anti masker who died?

They went scuba diving

When the Kardashians die, they won't be buried or cremated.

They'll be recycled.

They say Jesus died for our sins.

Did he die for our cos and tans as well?

My Korean friend died yesterday

So Yung...

Three women die and go to heaven

There are ducks everywhere on the ground and floors. St. Peter tells them: "This is Heaven, you can do anything you like, as long as you don't step on a duck. If you step on a duck, you will be punished."

The first woman tries very carefully to not step on a duck, but slips up and accidentall...

A lawyer dies and appears in front of the golden gates of heaven...

He finds himself at the back of a long queue of Popes.

Suddenly, St. Peter grabs him and takes him straight through the pearly gates.

“I don’t understand" the lawyer said puzzled. “There's hundreds of Popes waiting in line and you've let me in before them. Why?"

“Sir,” said St...

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It's surprisingly common for men to die during sex.

You never know if they're coming or going.

When I die

I want to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandpa. Not screaming in terror, like his passengers.

When Mozart died, you could hear his music playing backwards at his grave.

He was decomposing.

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Pe...

Two Canadians Die and End Up In Hell

Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hel...

A die-hard fan was very surprised to see an empty seat at the Superbowl...

He noticed a woman sitting next to the empty seat and made a remark about it to her.

"Well, it was my husband's", she said. "But he died."

"Oh my gosh!" He said. "I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm surprised that another friend or family member didn't jump at the chance to take the tic...

A programmer dies and meets St Peter outside the pearly gates.

[credit: my gf's shower thoughts]

A programmer dies and meets St Peter outside the pearly gates.

As St Peter goes through his list, he discovers the programmer's name on the list.

"ah, it seems you have too many sins to be permitted into heaven. I'm sorry, but I'm going to have ...

An engineer dies

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell.

It doesn’t take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build improvem...

Trump dies and goes to hell..

... where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go,...

What song should every person hear before they die?

Happy Birthday

Our town's oldest paperboy died today, at 84.

86 are wondering where their Daily Mirror's got to.

When I die

I’m going to get put in a rocket and be launched into the moon. That way my descendants can look at the crash site and see the impact I’ve made.

3 men died and meet up in front of God to be sent to heaven.

God asks the 1st person, ''How many times did you cheat on your wife"

The man replies with "Six, and I deeply regret it".

God gives him a clapped out 1.6 VW Golf MK4.

Upon asking the same question to the 2nd man to be presented with the answer of "I cheated on my wife 3 times", ...

I didn't say my ex-wife died,

I said I have a latex wife.

So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

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A Nashville man dies and goes to hell.

When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, “Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.”

The man says, “No problem. I’m from Nashville.”

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He the...

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A good man dies and goes to heaven where God, impressed by the man's life record, grants him one final wish.

"Well, God, I know this seems petty, but I've never won at blackjack."

That's okay, my friend, God says, and He snaps His fingers and He and the man are sitting at a blackjack table in Vegas. The man puts up a $1,000 bet. The dealer's showing a 6 and the man's showing a 17. The man signals th...

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A bus crashes, and everyone onboard dies, the only survivor is a monkey. A cop comes to interrogate the monkey...

Monkeys can't speak, just picture the gestures...

Cop: So what did you see?

Monkey: places fingers to lips and sucks in

Cop: So they were doing drugs?

Monkey: nods yes

Cop: So what else did you see?

Monkey: cups hand up to lips and tilts head back

Cop...

Three men one from Florida, one from Texas, and one from New York all die and go to hell

When they get there they see a big red phone and they asked Satan what it's for, he says it's for calling earth but it's super expensive. The man from Texas says "Great I would love to call my hometown in Dallas" he talks for 2 hours and Satan charges him 2 million dollars. The man from Florida says...

What’s the coolest way to die?

Hypothermia

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Jesus Christ is dying on the cross.....

His disciples are gathered around, crying. Peter looks up and notices that Jesus seems to be calling him, “Peter, come hither!”

Immediately Peter rushes over to the cross, only to be hit severely over the head by the roman guard. He gets on his feet again and wants to return to the other disc...

What’s it called when you die and come back as a hillbilly?

Reintarnation

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The dying man

I was working on a case. It had to be a case, because I couldn't afford a desk.

Then I saw her through the window. This tall blond lady. She must have been tall because I was on the third floor.

She rolled her deep blue eyes at me. I picked them up and rolled them back.

We ki...

I just saw that Chuck Yeager has died

...and then I heard it a few seconds later

My grief counsellor died the other day

He was so good at his job, I don't even care

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A school bus full of Catholic girls drives off a cliff and they all die.

A bus filled with 18 year old sheltered Catholic school girls drove off a cliff and they all died. So they all form a single file line in front of the gates of heaven and saint Peter says to the first girl "have you ever touched a man's penis?" And the girl says "yes but just with the tip of my fing...

My son, who's into astronomy, asked me how stars die.

"Usually an overdose, son." I told him.

Three nuns die and go to Heaven...

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells them that they must each answer a biblical question to get in, but he reassures them that they're quite easy.

"Who was the first woman?" He says to the first nun.

"Eve." The gates swing open and she walks in.

"Where did Eve live?" He says to ...

A man dies and goes to hell.

As he approaches the gates he is stopped by the gatekeeper who asks for his name. "Joe." he replies. "Well, joe, I've found your name on the list. There are seven levels in hell, but since your only sin was cheating on a science test in the third grade, you will only be in the first level." "Oh, it ...

My wife died.

After she died, I couldn't even look at another woman for almost 20 years.

But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it.

My great-grandpa died in Auschwitz

He was really drunk and fell off a watchtower

A lawyer died and was so big they almost had to bury him in a piano case.

Instead they gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.

The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died.

Restaurant In Peace.

My girlfriends dog died recently

So to cheer her up I bought her another one just like it. It didn't work.

She said "what am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

My Spanish teacher's husband died last week

I approached her in class and said "Mucho"

"Thanks," she said, "that means a lot."

"Tanto."

"Oh my," she replied. "Thank you, that means so much."

"El mundo."

"Thank you so much," she said, "what you've said means the world."

Two Canadians die and go to hell.

Satan puts them in their own cell and turns up the heat to 49C, figuring that’s a good temperature to start newcomers. He comes back a while later to find the Canadians shirtless but smiling.

“It never gets this warm in Canada we’re enjoying while it lasts.” One of them explains when a mystif...

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3 Souls We Walking Towards the gates of afterlife.. The soul in the middle asked to the soul on his left, "How Did You die?",

'I was painting the walls of the 14th floor of an apartment, i slipped and fell, but somehow while falling i got hold of the railings of the balcony 2 floors below. I was so relieved, as i was trying to pull myself up a mad guy from the floor above yelled at me and pushed down a wardrobe over me, so...

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Four nuns died and were at the gates of heaven. An angel greeted them.

"Welcome to heaven, dear sisters. God awaits you inside. But in order to be able to enter heaven, you have to be cleansed of your sins first."

Then the angel summoned a huge bowl with some kind of holy, luminous water in it and called the first nun.

"Have you got any sins to be cleanse...

A husband asks his wife, "Will you marry after I die?" The wife responds, "No, I will live with my sister." The wife asks him back, "Will you marry after I die?" The husband responds,

"No, I will also live with your sister."

Q: What's the last part of the body to die?

A: The pupils, they dilate.

A man died due to overdose of green peas

May his soul rest in peas

My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

My friend's dad just died and his last words were "Be positive"

We could have saved him if we knew his blood type

Where do suicide bomber go when they die?

Everywhere!

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A Florida man dies and goes to a waiting area for his final destination.

As he awaits, he spots his best friend within the crowd and cannot believe it. He approaches his buddy and starts a conversation

“Cooch, is that you buddy? Holy shit! It is you! What are you doing here?”

“Hey Willie” says the man with barely any expression on his face.

“What ar...

When I die, I want to be cremated in a restaurant.

That way, y'all can take eggs, cream, and a pie crust and quiche my ash.

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question: "When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said "I think it's your hands.” "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.” “What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and...

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According to ancient Japanese lore, the colour of a person’s aura changes when they die.

Cyan-aura.

What do they say when a chef dies?

Recipes

I had a vision of a disaster. I'm going to die in a car crash on the way home from holiday today, along with my friend and girlfriend. On the bright side, we all lived blessed lives and will be going to heaven. St. Peter, of course, still mans the gates, and gives us a warm welcome. There's ducks.

He explains that in heaven, we have limitless paradise and can do anything our hearts desire, but that there's only one rule we must obey. "You see, God made all creatures with love, but he kinda loves ducks the most. They're his absolute favorite creature."

We can tell. There's ducks *everyw...

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I had the opportunity to get 50 dollars per day or 50000 dollars when I want but a virgin will die. I chose the second option. Later on, my mother calls me and tells me that my father had died due to an unknown cause.

I had the opportunity to get 50 dollars per day or 50000 dollars when I want but a virgin will die. I chose the second option. Later on, my mother calls me and tells me that my father had died due to an unknown cause.

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A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.

However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can a...

My uncle's death was predicted, he was told the exact day, and the exact time he would die. It happened as predicted.

The judge told him.

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Have you heard of the guy that died while receiving a blowjob?

He came as he went

An engineer dies and is sent to hell

He’s hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from plce to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the ...

My grandfather lived and died for this joke.

My grandfather used say to the whole world celebrated 11/11, not because of armistice day, but because he was born.


When died I went to my mom and told her "I think I know what he would say if he was here today."
'The whole country is in mourning, not because it is 9/11, but beca...

A world renowned chemist dies.

A world renowned chemist dies. His will states that he wishes for all of his favorite elements from the periodic table be included with his body. They go to his wife and ask "Are we really going to put a bunch of elements in his casket?
To which she replies
"No, just Barium"

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You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. “Terry?!” you say laughing, “Terry’s a girls name!” Without any hesitation, Terry pulls out a gun and shoots you dead.

You have died of dissin’ Terry :(

A stoner died from a heroin overdose last night.

The paramedics did everything they could but it was all in vein.

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An old holocaust survivor dies and gets into heaven

He seeks out God and asks him: "Hey God, I've heard this really funny joke on earth. Do you want to hear it?"

God smiles serenly and answers: "Yes, my son, please tell it to me."

The jew grins and says: "How do you get the number of a girl in Auschwitz? You look on her arm!"

God...

A Priest dies & is waiting in line at Heaven's Gate.



Ahead of him is a guy, fashionably dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans.

God to the guy : '' Who Are You....???? ''



Guy : '' I am a Bus driver''



God : Take this Gold robe & enter kingdom of heaven.



God ...

An enormously popular and beloved Pope, after a long reign, dies and, naturally, goes to heaven.

He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour he is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad of recreations available.

The pope, having always loved the bible, decides that he wants to read all of the original records of God's communications with humanity before they were re...

A wealthy billionaire dies, and his final wish is to be buried with his money.

So, at the funeral reception, the widow is speaking with guests when the matter of the billionaire's last wish comes up. The widow confirms that she honored her late husband's request.

A friend says to the widow, "You really buried him with billions of dollars?!", and the widow replies, "O...

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Jesus didn't die a virgin

He was nailed three times before he died

Did you hear Ellen Degeneres died?

They found her face down in Ricki Lake

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I am sad to announce that the Duracell bunny has died...

...from sexual exhaustion. Someone put his batteries in backwards, and instead of going and going and going he kept on coming and coming and coming...

A medieval astrologer prophesied to a king that his favorite mistress would soon die.

Sure enough, the woman died a short time later. The king was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman's death. He summoned the astrologer and gave him this command: "Prophet, tell me when you will die!"The astrologer realized that the king was planning to kil...

A redditor and a regular guy was about to die of old age.

A regular guy was about to die of old age. The doctors ask him for a last wish.He wished to die in the embrace of my wife. So the doctors scheduled a time of privacy. When the time came, the doctor went to monitor his vitals in another room to make sure he was ok. Moans came out of the room and late...

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3 men die and go to Heaven

3 men die and go to Heaven. St Peter meets them and starts reviewing their files.

He starts talking to the first guy: “I see that you lived a good life, but you cheated on your wife 30 times. That’s not very good, but not bad enough to send you to hell. So you can stay in heaven, but you’ll h...

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Sex After Death

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact. “Judy, Judy.”<...

My uncle just died.

He fell into a vat of polish at the furniture factory.
It was a terrible end but a lovely finish.

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Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob....' Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.... The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled p...

How did the Flintstones died?

Pillow fight

Jesus, why did you let me die of coronavirus?

He ignored the lockdown order because “Jesus will protect me” he did not accept a mask because Jesus will protect him. He refused the vaccine, because Jesus will protect him. Then he died of Coronavirus and met Jesus. “Jesus, why didn’t you protect me!?”
Jesus responded, “First I put lockdowns in...

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A farmer wakes up to find that his favourite goat has died.

Since he loved that goat very deeply, he decided to jump into the river by his house and commit suicide. Soon after, his wife woke up, and after discovering what had happened, she too followed in his steps and jumped into the river.

Their younger son woke up to find both of his parents dead,...

Three old maids die and arrive in heaven...

Three old maids die and arrive in heaven at the same time. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they...

My friends and I were playing a game, where you have to think of famous Johns. The game ends if you pick a John that has died.

It's all fun and games until someone gets Hurt.

A blonde is tired of being teased, so she dies her hair brown and moves to the countryside...

A blonde is tired of being teased, so she dyes her hair brown and moves to the countryside. As she’s driving home one day she spots a farmer leaning on a fence chewing a piece of straw.

“Ha, I’m going to put one over on that dumb farmer!”, she says to herself, pulling over.

“Greetings,...

Forrest Gump died and went to Heaven...

As Forrest approaches the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter greeted him.
“Ah, welcome, Mr. Gump. We’ve been anxiously awaiting your arrival.”
Forrest looked intently, not quite sure what to make of the scene in front of him.
“Forrest, before I let you into Heaven, I need you to answer three quest...

The Hunchback of Notre Dame had died

The priests realized they would need a new person to ring the bells. They decided to hold auditions. After advertising the position in the town center there was a long line of peasants waiting to try out the next day.

One by one the priests called the peasants forward to pull the rope, ring t...

What do action heroes do when they die?

They drop kick the bucket.

My wife asked me, “If I die, will you re-marry?”

I replied, “I don’t know love, I don’t think about those sorts of things.”

“Well If you did, would she live in our house?” she asked

I said, “I don’t know, I haven’t thought about it!”

Then she asked “Would you let her wear my clothes?”

I replied “Nah she’s not your size”

When I die, I want the people I did group projects with me to lower me into my grave...

...so they can let me down one last time.

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A black man is lost in the desert and is about to die.

Suddenly, he sees a shiny object in the sand. He gets close, and realizes that it’s a magic lamp!

He rubs the lamp and a genie appears.

“I’m an almighty genie” he says.
“I shall grant you any three wishes”

The man thinks about it for a while, then he says:
“I want to be wh...

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My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him.

## The judge gave me 60 years!


&nbsp;

&nbsp;

&nbsp;


### My (other) favorite one liners:

1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.

1. French tanks have five rever...

During a discussion at Sunday school, a nun asks the children what they think God takes you by when you die. A kid responds, I think God takes you by your feet because....

"I once walked into my parents room and my mom's feet were in the air and she was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!!!"

When I die I want to come back as a spider,

That way I'll finally hear girls say "omg it's huge"

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?

Yeah, he pasta way

A US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies...

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. “What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend et...

An alien died at a beyblade turnament

Let ET rip

A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a movie.

During the funeral, his mother walks towards the director and says,

"Jesus died for your scenes."

Dave has died and is waiting in the queue to get into heaven.

As he draws ever closer to St Peter he can hear him asking people the same question.

"Denomination?" he asks a little old lady as she reaches the front of the queue.

"Methodist", she replies.

St Peter checks his notes and directs her to the eighth door on the left.

"Pleas...

Alex Trebek died shortly after Sean Connery.

He had to hurry and get to heaven before Connery found his Mother.

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Larry Flynt, creator of Hustler Magazine, has died aged 78. His family have asked fans do not send flowers...

...but to send nudes

Yo mama so fat, when she died, she broke the stairway to heaven.

And she cracked the highway to hell.

What did Kim Jong-Un say yesterday before he died?

My Korea is over

My first day as an OBGYN, I had a pregnant patient die during childbirth and I was going to make a joke about it but...

I don't think I'd have a good delivery

What does a liar do after he dies?

He lies still.

A Russian joke my grandmother once told me. I hope it works in English.

A man sits at the deathbed of his mother-in-law.
She suffers very much and cries in agony:
"Oh I'm dying!" "It hurts" "I'm gonna die soon"
She stops for a seconds and says:
"Well at least the weather is nice today"

The man says: "hey dear, don't get distracted!"

How do you die in an orgy?

You get run over by the train.

When Donald Trump dies...

He's gonna lie still...

An HR manager dies...

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seem...

What was the last thing that went through Joseph Stalin’s mind before he died?

A blood clot

A woman marries a man and has 10 children. The man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children. The next man dies, so the woman remarries again and has ten more children. That man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children...

The husband dies again and finally the woman dies as well.

At the funeral, the priest mutters, "Thank God! They’re finally together!"

A man at the funeral asks another man on his left, “Which husband do you think he means? The first, second, or third?”

The man on his left says, ...

Do you hear about the man who died playing an erotic video game?

He had his final fantasy.

Dying In Service

One Sunday morning, the pastor...
... noticed little Ronny standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque.
It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walk...

A dying wish

A man spoke to each of his three sons when he sent them to college. "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a gesture of appreciation, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I ...

A man dies, and wakes up on a beach...

There are girls playing beach volleyball, barbeques everywhere, laughter and joy. All of a sudden, Satan comes up to him.

"Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me." he says. The guy wa...

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Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident

When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they’re all priests and immediately says "If any of you are paedophile, there’s no point waiting here. Just fuck off straight to hell!"

Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away.

St. Peter call...

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A man suddenly dies and is cremated...

The mortician not knowing what to do with the ashes contacts the man's last 3 lovers. All 3 were also men.

Upon arrival, the mortician take the 3 men into his office and asked, "please tell me what you would do with this man's ashes if I hand them over to you?"

The first man's says, "...

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I said to my wife "When I die," I'd like to die having sex"

She replied: “At least it’ll be quick.”

A guy dies and is sent to hell.

Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in dirt up to their necks. The guy says, ‘No, let me see the next room.’ In the second room, people are standing in dirt up to their noses. Guy says no again. Fin...

Patrick died and went to the gates of heaven

There he saw a man with a halo sitting behind a table waiting. As he approached the Saint looked up and Patrick saw two keys hanging around his neck on a chain, the keys to the pearly gates themselves. This must be St. Peter, Patrick thought.

''Hello Patrick. I just have to check through you...

Donald Trump, Queen Elizabeth II and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

Satan decides to let each of them to call their own countries, but at a cost. Queen Elizabeth speaks to the U.K Government for 30 minutes and pays 1 million dollars. Vladimir Putin speaks with the Russian Government for an hour and pays 2 million dollars. Donald Trump speaks with the American Govern...

My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for the paramedics to give him a blood transfusion.

As he was dying he kept insisting, "Be positive!", but it's difficult to be positive without him.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the
time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like
that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not ...

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Two Covid deniers die of Covid and go to heaven. God tell them they can ask anything they want and get the truth....

Two Covid deniers die of Covid and go to heaven. God tell them they can ask anything they want and get the truth

Covid Denier 1: So there was no such thing as covid, right? I died of lung cancer or something!

God: No, Covid is real, you died of covid just like the Doctors said.
...

A dying man wants to prevent his family from inheriting his wealth. So he entrusts the money to his three closest friends: a doctor, a priest, and a lawyer.

He gives each friend an envelope with $1,000,000 in cash, and makes them all swear to bury the money with him when he dies. They all shake hands and solemnly agree.

A few months later the man dies, and the three friends place their envelopes in the casket.

Later, privately, the doctor...

here was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died.

The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.

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A man dies and goes to Hell.

When he gets there, a demon tells him that he has to choose a room that he's going to stay in for the rest of all time.

The first room is big, with a few hundred people standing in piles of shit up to their waists. Other than that, nothing else is happening. They all seem to be having small ...

Just heard Van Winkle died

RIP Van Winkle

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