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Knew Jokes

My grandfather knew the exact time, date, and year that he was going to die.

He wasn’t psychic. The judge told him.

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My grandad told this one to his friend and I kinda overheard it and knew where it should belong

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into ...

A lone cowboy nobody knew walks into a mining town bar..

He orders two drinks which he downs slowly. When he was done with his drinks, he paid the bartender and walks out to see that his horse with all his stuff is missing.

He turns around, walks back in the bar, pulls his guns from his holster and shoots them in the air.

"Which ever one o...

TIFU when my wife asked when I knew I loved her.

I said "We were in Rome, the way you knew so much about the city like it was second nature to you. But I never felt you were condescending to me when I'd ask stupid questions. I saw how much you knew, how passionate you could be. I'd been bored by all the old buildings, but you brought it all to lif...

I knew a girl with a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh

She said if you put your ear up to it, you could smell the ocean.

This girl said she knew me from the vegetarian restaurant...

But I've never met herbivore!

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing...

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole...

This girl said she would go out with me if I knew a six letter word that's a synonym for "calm".

I said, "It's sedate."

I once knew a girl with a fetish for synnesthesia.

Eventually, she came to her senses.

My father once asked me if I knew the difference between heaven and hell…

“In heaven” he said, “the Italians make the food and the British run the government”

He then paused and said, “In hell, the British make the food and the Italians run the government”

I asked God for a bike, but I knew God doesn't work that way.

So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

I once fell in love with a girl that only knew 4 vowels

Unfortunately she didn't know I existed.

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My neighbor asked if I knew anything about the missing clothes from her clothes line

I almost shit her pants

My daughter was doing her homework and asked me what I knew about Galileo.

I, proudly and confidently, told her that he was just a poor boy from a poor family.

If my grandmother knew how much money i spent on her funeral

She'd be spinning in her ditch

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My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.

I can tell you I nearly shit her pants.

My trucker friend asked me if I knew the date.

I said 10-4 good buddy

A friend asked me if I knew anything about 1’s and 0’s

I told him I knew a bit

I knew a guy who survived mustard gas and pepper spray

He is now a seasoned veteran

I never knew how technologically advanced Moses was...

But today I learned he had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

I knew I was going to jail when the judge yelled, "Order in the court!"

And my lawyer said, "I'll take a footlong turkey."

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I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was broke and my body was ruined.

But fuck me, what a night.

My first time buying condoms, at age 16, I went to the pharmacy. The hot cashier at the counter could see that I was new at it and gave me the pack asking if I knew how to use one. I said, "No, it's my first time."

She took one out, put it on her thumb, and told me to make sure it was on tight.

I still looked confused.

She looked around the store to see if it was empty and it was.

"Just a minute." she said and locked the door.

She led me to the back room, took off her shirt and bra...

Someone asked me if I knew who Pavlov was…

I said, “No, but his name rings a bell.”

I knew my dad would start having a rant when I informed him I was going to a pride event.

"You're an impala, they'll eat you", he kept screaming.

No one else in the class knew what the people of Greenland are called.

But Inuit

I knew a man with a phaser

Boy, was he stunning

Who knew what blondes know?

It was a typical night of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire:

Regis: “Barbara, you’ve done very well so far – $500,000 and one lifeline left — phone a friend.”

“The next question will give you the top prize of $1 million dollars,
if you get it right. But if you get it wrong, you will dr...

All my life I had wanted a Geiger counter but never knew why until I could finally afford one.

Then it clicked

I knew a detective that was a cannibal

He loved grilling people.

The doctor just told me my left leg is double jointed at the hip, knee and ankle. I never knew!…

…I could have kicked myself!

I once knew a guy who cross bred insects for fun.

I liked the guy at first, but eventually I got tired of his crazy ant ticks.

I knew a nun who used to wipe off snot with her sleeves

She had a nasty habit

I once knew an arrogant sponge.

he was very self absorbed.

Jesus drove a Honda, but nobody knew about it.

For I did not speak of my own accord. - John 12:49

I had a joke about a time traveler I knew

But they stole it and now the joke is old already.

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From the first time I used it, I knew I'd bought the right toilet

It was love at first shite

Few people knew about Albert Einstein’s older brother Frank

He was a total monster.

I once asked an Irish builder if he knew the difference between a joist and a girder

“Of course I do”, he replied. “One wrote Ulysses, the other wrote Faust.”

I never knew XI was raised as an American experiment...

But I've seen Stranger Things.

I once knew a girl who only dated tall guys

I guess you could say she had a foot fetish

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath,

"Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

Knew somebody who used to live in a giant tire.

He got a puncture one day……..
#
#
#
Now he lives in a flat.

Who knew?

I never knew the guy who invented the machine that they use to clean shrimp was named Sheldon Devane...

I knew I was going to fail my maths test when I entered the classroom

So I did a 360 and left.

My Grandfather knew that the Titanic was going to sink.

He kept telling everyone but they just ignored him. In the end, they threw him out of the cinema.

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I knew a guy named Glasscock.

You could always see him coming.

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Did you knew that astronomy and proctology are similar?

\-Yeah? How?



\-Well, i used a telescope and saw Uranus

I never knew what happiness was until I got married.

And then it was too late.

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I knew someone who was so broke, he couldn’t even afford to drink water.

He was piss-poor

I knew my grandmother loved animals when she was younger.

She told me the story of how happy she was to have found a vet to date (Before she met my granddad of course. ) and even though he said he was from a foreign country, he looked like he was from here.

Anyway, after a few dates, she discovered, much to her disappointment, that he didn’t know an...

Not sure if you knew this, but if you rearrange the letters in LGBTQ...

Somebody will probably get offended...

I once knew a Muslim kid that was notoriously late for everything.

I called him 9/12

When the paramedics asked if I knew my injured ex-girlfriend’s blood type, I gave them the wrong one.

Now she’ll get to know what rejection feels like

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I wish I knew who was off

Because people keep suggesting that's who I should fuck

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I knew a transsexual guy…

…whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.

I knew she'd come crawling to me..

I mean, I DID steal her wheelchair

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I always knew my Dad was gay...

But when they said they wanted to transition, I was even less surprised. They were always..... Transparent.

I knew a guy that circumcised whales.

It didn’t pay much but the tips were huge.


credit u/mole4000

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Paddy was on his deathbed and knew the end was near...

...His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast .
He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.

When all is ready he begins to speak:
"My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra...

Nobody knew she had a dental implant

until it slipped out in conversation.

WIFE: - "If I knew you were so poor, I would never have married you."

HUSBAND: - "But I warned you! I said you are everything I have!"

I once knew one mushroom man

He was a fun guy

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I knew a man with five testicles...

...his underwear fit him like a glove.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pro...

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I told my friend that I knew a famous constipated English detective.

He said. “No shit Sherlock.”

I guess he knew him too.

She asked me if I knew who the Verve Pipe were.

But for the life of me, I could not remember.

I knew chemistry jokes

But all the good ones argon

I knew a girl who mixed up KY Jelly and superglue

I asked her how it happened but her lips were sealed

I forgot what number 7 ate so I asked my German friend if he knew

He didn’t seem to remember either

I really wish I knew who kicked the jack under the car which I was working on..

.. the suspension is killing me.

Knew a drug dealer who was a Satanist

He used to sell me penta grams.

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I asked my daughter if she knew what today was.

To my suprise she said presidents day.

I asked her if she knew why we celebrate presidents day.

She said that its the day the president walks out of the white house and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of bull shit.

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A teacher asked the class if anyone knew the meaning of the word contagious.

Little Billy puts his hand up and the teacher says “Billy, you know the meaning of the word contagious?” Billy says “yes Miss, I do!” The teacher replies, “well then Billy, I’d like to see you use it in a sentence” Billy says “ok then, the other day my dad and I were walking down the road and saw a ...

My daughter was doing her homework and asked me what I knew about Galileo.

He's the guy who took peaking into windows to a whole new level.

I knew I was going bald when...

I knew I was going bald when it started to take longer and longer to wash my face. - Harry Hill

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There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone...

because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to p...

I once knew a very humourless kleptomaniac.

He always took things literally.

A tough guy I knew said, "Don't start what you can't finish..."

So I threw away all my puzzles.

I never knew what an algorithm was.

I always thought it was Al Gore's band, Al Gore Rhythm.

I knew a man who didn’t trust his hands

He had to keep them at arms length

I had a speeding ticket dismissed by a judge who knew his physics

The cop wrote down my location, so I told the judge if he knew where I was, he couldn’t possibly measure my velocity.

My teacher asked me if I knew any anagrams of "denied".

I said, "Indeed".

A manufacturing plant was in trouble, and nobody knew why.

A manufacturing plant was in trouble, and nobody knew why. They finally brought in an expert to fix the problem.

The guy basically walks in, inspects the equipment, takes out a chalk piece, marks one unit with an X mark and leaves.

The plant’s owner replaces the unit and viola! everyth...

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I knew it! Masks don't do shit, and here's the proof:

Two weeks ago, my wife went on a business trip, and she had to wear a mask the whole time - and now she has chlamydia!

A joke my kid thought they knew the answer to...

Person: Hey kiddo, I got a joke for you... Why doesn't Santa pay for parking?

Kid: oh I know this one... because Santa slayed the man!

Why do scientists knew that the frozen prehistoric man they found in the Arctic was friendly ?

Because he’s a”n iceman”

I asked my chem teacher wether he knew the formula for nitrous oxide

Unfortunately he said no

EDIT:

for the people complaining about how i messed up the formula name, its a joke, it doesnt matter

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Who knew that learning Morse Code would change my life forever?

Last night for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

3 drunk guys entered a taxi

The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you".
The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he d...

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The robot that knew everything

Scientist were finally able to invent a robot which could answer any question.

His friends told him about this robot and so he decided to test it because he believed that such a robot could not possibly be created.

So he went to the the robot , press the button. The robot turned activ...

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I knew a guy named Peter Richard Johnson

Everyone called him triple dick

I knew I was fat

When I couldn't tell if I had sauce or blood on my hands.

I knew my fetishes were getting out of hand, when I spanked a statue…

I had hit rock bottom

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I always knew that things wouldn't work out between me and my ex girlfriend.

After all, I'm an Aquarius and she's a bitch.

I once knew a guy with teeth so bad

His calculus had advanced to trigonometry.

What was a girl who knew math called in the 1500s?

A bonfire

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What's the difference between Putin and Hitler?

Hitler knew when to kill himself

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I knew a cop that was fired for gross misconduct.

sorry, fucking autocorrect...

\*hired

The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper

She was wearing massive gloves

I knew my girlfriend was cheating on me when she texted me saying

I knew my girlfriend was cheating on me when she texted me saying "I'm out for dinner with my friend Emma" because Emma was lying beside me in bed

My mechanic tried to scam me because he didn’t think I knew about cars

I took my car to get an oil change and they were like “would you like us to rotate your tires?” I was like “Ummm. I rotated them a bunch on the way over jackass!”

The fencer thought he knew what was about to happen but...

...his opponent feinted.

Wanna know how we knew communism was doomed from the start?

Because of all the red flags.

I knew I shouldn't have taken my dog to the blacksmith

As soon as we got there, he made a bolt for the door

I knew it was too good to be true. I’ve just found out my wife’s been cheating for TWO YEARS!!

I just knew no one could be that good at Call of Duty without using an aimbot.

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers

“Yes,” he said. “My father taught me.”

“Good. What comes after three?”

“Four,” answered the boy.

“What comes after six?”

“Seven.”

“Very good,” said the teacher. “Your dad did a good job. And what comes after 10?”

“Jack.”

When I was young, there were only 25 letters in the alphabet.

Nobody knew why.

I once knew a vampire named Backspace.

I asked him why he was named Backspace and he said, "It's because I'm really good at removing type-O's."

I knew a Guy who had a Fetish for Studio Audiences

He Came with a Laugh Tack.

Son, you're adopted

"I Knew it! I want to meet my biological parents."

"We are your biological parents, your adoptive parents will come for you tomorrow."

I went to the library and asked the librarian if she knew where books on paranoia were.

She said "They're right behind you".

I thought I knew the origins of the word "moron"

But I couldn't be more wrong

There was a woman who had 100 kids..

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and neve...

Fact of the day: Stalin actually knew Communism won't work

There were red flags everywhere

I once knew a Hippie who had a dog named "Nama"

He trained the dog to sit. He would say: "Nama, sit."

He also trained the dog to Stay.



...



...



He would look at the dog and say:

"Nama..."

"Stay."

I went in my son's room today and told him he was adopted. He said "I knew it, who are my parents?"

...I told him he didn't understand... we were his parents, and he had ten minutes to pack.

My mom kicked me out the house for tickling my little brothers feet

I knew I should’ve waited until he was born

Who knew? Ireland was the world's wealthiest nation.

Well, their capital is always Dublin.

I knew a guy who hated floors

He just thought they were beneath him

My grandpa knew the Titanic was going to sink. He said it loudly countless times...

Then he got kicked out of the theater.

I knew Calabasas was a rich area of LA

But I had no idea it literally rains millionaires.

(Obvious disclaimer: the event is tragic, but this is a joke)

I wish I knew how to turn off my carbon monoxide alarm....

It's been going off for about fifteen minutes and the noise is making really dizzy and lightheaded.

I knew she was the one for me, and after 6 months of pursuing her, last night she said those three little words.

That's him, officer!

I was lost in the woods and I found a dead hooker..

At that moment I knew I'd been walking in circles.

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Tarzan knew nothing about sex when he met Jane

So Jane decide to teach him in a way that he would understand.
"listen Tarzan, what you've got between your legs is a dirty rag and what I have between my legs is a washing machine. So you just have to wash your rag in my washing machine."
Tarzan began to grow extremely fond of his newfound se...

Within minutes, the detective knew exactly what the murder weapon was.

It was a brief case.

My grandfather looked at the Titanic and knew that it would sink.

He kept on saying it but no one listened to him. He kept on repeating it till he got kicked out of the movie theater.

God took only one rib from men to create women

Because he knew, if he took a second rib, humanity would die out.

I knew a girl who's name was Diamondtina.

She changed it though. It's Justina now.

I once knew a lumberjack with a Ph.D

He was a smart feller.

I know a guy that knew his great-great-greatgrandfather

He stutters

I knew a guy who managed to unlocked 100% of his brain

He died of a seizure in the hospital, it was pretty tragic

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