UPJOKE
isaacsarahishmaeljudaismchristianityislamhebronibrahimbeershebamosesterahcanaansamuelketurahkarl

Abraham Jokes

Why was Abraham Lincoln never put in jail?

Because he was in a cent.

I know it’s stupid but c’mon

Netflix is soon releasing an extremely realistic documentary series about the life of Abraham Lincoln.

The finale is shot before a live audience.

Abraham Lincolns wife once said.

"Would it kill you to take me to a show every once in a while!?"

What is Abraham Lincolns least favorite phone box?

John Wilkes Booth

A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.

“What are you reading, old man?” he asks.

“I’m learning Hebrew, comrade,” replies the old Jew.

The KGB agent asks, “What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.”

“I’m learning Hebrew for when ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke that Abraham Lincoln told

I’ve never seen this joke here before, I read it in some biography long ago in my school days. This is a joke that actual President Lincoln told:

There was an American ambassador to England after the revolutionary war, and his bitter hosts wanted to antagonize him.

So they got a port...

Hillary Clinton is elected president, . . .

and on the first night she spends in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of George Washington. She asks him, "George, what can I do to best serve the United States?"

The ghost of George Washington responds, "Never tell a lie."

She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."
...

I have issues with the central dogmas of the major abrahamic religions.

But I have no beef with hindus.

In what state was Abraham Lincoln born?

Naked & screaming, just like the rest of us.

Why are there not many films about Abraham Lincoln?

He doesn't do well in theaters.

My dad CLAIMS to have invented this joke. I think it's too good and don't want to give him credit, but I can't find it online.

This story takes place in 1860. Back 150+ years ago, presidental candidates didn't have nearly the luxuries current candidates do. The didn't stay in five star hotels or travel by private jet - they stayed with normal families on their campaigns and in exchange for a place to stay, would do chores a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What would a Dalek reincarnated as Abraham Lincoln during the Civil War say?

Emancipate! Emancipate!

President Trump is sleeping one night

President Trump is sleeping one night when the ghost of George Washington appears at the foot of his bed. Trump asks him, 'Georgie, my boy, how can I be a better president?' George says, 'First, never tell a lie.' Trump doesn't like this answer and yells for security. George disappears and Trump goe...

Abraham asked Issac to upgrade his home computer

Issac reviewed the system and stated "Forgive me, Father but the system just doesn't seem to have enough memory."

and Abraham said "My son, God will provide the RAM."

Ishmael is lying on his death bed...

...at the ripe old age of 97. He weakly raises his head and, through whispered, labored breaths, asks, "Where is my wife, Elena?"

"Oi vey, I am here, my love," whimpers the elderly woman as she clutches her husband's hand.

"This is good," says Ishmael. "And what of my son, Abraham? Is ...

The new job

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job.

The officer wants to ask her a few questions...

Officer:
\- "What's 2+2"?

Blonde:
\- "Ummmmm... 4!"

Officer:
\- "What's the square root of 100?"

Blonde:...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ol Henry Graber's son, Abraham, became the first Amish software engineer.

He was one of the pioneers of AI voices. But he was let go because they were too hoarse and buggy.

If Abraham Lincoln were alive today, what would he be famous for?

Old age.

What’s the difference between Abraham Lincoln’s killer and where Keanu Reeves sits at a restaurant?

One is John Wilkes Booth, and the other is John Wick’s booth.

Abraham Lincoln went to see a play without bringing the Secret Service

He never heard the end of it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher decides to let students out early if they can name the origin of a famous quote.

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"





Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."





Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."





Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"





Aga...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lincoln, a biopic on Abraham Lincoln was a commercial success.

Ironic considering the circumstances of his death. Although it made a lot of money, a movie on John Wilkes Booth would be a box office killer.

A man dies and goes to heaven....

When he gets to heaven, he runs into Saint Peter. He also sees a bunch of clocks on the wall. “What are all those clocks for?” the man asked. “Well,” said Saint Peter, “Those clocks move every time someone lies, see that clock over there, that one belongs to Mother Teresa. It has never moved. “ “Wel...

So Abraham Lincoln and James Booth walk into a bar.

Booth (a mathematician) tells Lincoln, we’ve been coming here to speed date for 5 years now and only picked up an average of 2.857 lady friends. Lincoln thinks for a moment and replies, well, at that pace, we will have four scores in seven years....

A man died and went to heaven...

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, “what are those clocks?”

St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks, everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock wi...

I had an axe that once belonged to Abraham Lincoln...

The head was replaced once and the handle twice but I got documented proof it belong to Abraham Lincoln.

Why was Abraham Lincoln assassinated?

Because he was sitting in John Wilke's Booth!



I thought of this like 10 years ago, and I believe it is a quality joke of which nobody I have told has heard, and a handful of social studies teachers through school were impressed with. One of my prouder moments. lol

Abraham Lincoln's favorite fart joke.

Well, there was a party once, not far from here, which was composed of ladies and gentlemen. A fine table was set and the people were greatly enjoying themselves. Among the crowd was one of those men who had audacity — was quick-witted, cheeky, and self-possessed — never off his guard on any occasio...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the 5th grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Jose :"Abraham Lincoln, 1863....

Abraham went out to get the mail, to his dismay, there wasn’t any mail, this confused Abraham as

There usually Ishmael this time of day

I thought I would make a joke about Abraham Lincoln

#It's worth a shot.

A man goes to Heaven and meets Jesus.

While Jesus is showing him round, he spots a broken clock. 
“What’s that there for?” he asks. 
Jesus says “that’s Mother Teresa’s clock it has never moved because she has never lied.”  
“Just over here is Abraham Lincoln’s clock. He lied twice, so it has moved twice.”  

“Where is Don...

Always remember what Abraham Lincoln said

Don’t trust everything you read on the internet

On the night of his inauguration, Donald Trump is visited by 3 ghosts

Early in the night, FDR appears. Trump asks him "how can I make America great again?"
FDR replies "think only of the people; do not make laws based on hatred, bigotry, or with the thought of lining your own pockets"
Trump's face sours "FAKE NEWS!" he screams and FDR disappears. Trump falls bac...

There’s no way Abraham Lincoln will be found guilty of any crime....

Because he’ll always be in a cent.

Why doth Abraham not bringeth his grain to the spelling bee?

For it was already spelt.

Abraham Lincoln could never call himself a republican today.

Because he was murdered while watching a play in 1865.

The knife that Abraham used to kill Isaac has been found in Britain.

Apparently, it was a Dyson.

Abraham's Four-Step Plan

Step 1: become religious

Step 2: receive the literal word of God

Step 3: ???

Step 4: prophet

Did you hear about the narcotics raid where police found 44 pounds of cocaine in a sculpture of Abraham Lincolns head?

It was a giant drug bust.

I keep a spreadsheet of every time Abraham Lincoln is mentioned on Reddit.

I call it my Lincoln Logs

What octane gas would Abraham Lincoln put in a car?

Four Score and Seven

Why did God ask Abraham to sacrifice his son at age 12?

If he waited a few more years it wouldn't be a sacrifice.

A Chinese pan, an establishment for accommodation and drinks, a number, and Abraham Rockefeller...

Wok inn two Abe R.

What would Abraham Lincoln do if he were alive today?

He'd probably scream and scratch at the top of his coffin.

If it weren’t for Abraham Lincoln,...

America would have really gone South.

Donald Trump on Twitter: "The Theater has always been a safe place"

Abraham Lincoln: "Dude"

The lord said to Abraham, "Come forth and I'll give you eternal life."

Abraham came fifth.

He won a toaster.

What time of day did Abraham Lincoln smoke Marijuana?

A score past four

What did Abraham Lincoln say when he was accused of stealing a penny?

"Hey! I'm in-a-cent!"

Father to his young son: You should be ashamed. When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he used to walk ten miles every day to get to school.

Son responds: Really? Well, when he was your age, he was president.

The police break into Abraham Lincolns house...

When they find him, he says "Don't arrest me, I'm in a cent!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Who has freed more black people than Abraham Lincoln?

Maury

Hillary Clinton is elected President.

On her first night in the White House (not counting when she was first lady), she is visited by the ghost of George Washington.

She asks, "What can I do to help America?"

Washington replies "Serve your country selflessly and always be honest"

*Hillary laughs in his face*

...

After 62 years of being devoted to Judaism, Abraham converts to Christianity

Distraught over this unexpected development, his life-long friend Moshe sends him a message.

Moshe: "Abraham, you schmuck! How could you abandon your faith?"

Abraham: "New Testament, who dis?"

What would Abraham Lincoln say if he found out there was a movie about him slaying vampires?

What's a movie?

What speech did Abraham Lincoln give when he went to Italy?

The Spaghetties-burg Address.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jokes to offend Abrahamic religions

* JESUS SAVES! HE PASSES TO GRETZKY, GRETZKY SHOOTS, GRETZKY SCORES!

* How was copper wire invented?

Two jews found the same penny


* What did the jew do when he heard clouds had silver linings?

Got his pilot's license


* Why doesn't Jesus eat skittles?
...

My sister is a theater teacher and asked her class, "What would the world be like without theater?"

One of her students replied, "Well, Abraham Lincoln would've lived a bit longer."

Abraham wandered into Sam’s pawnshop and placed a leather coat on the counter.

“How much will you give me for this jacket?”

Sam checked it over. “$20, and that’s the best” he replied.

“But that jacket is worth $100" argued Abraham.

Sam was adamant. “$20 or nothing.”

“Are you sure that’s all it’s worth?” pressed Abe.

“Positive”

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On Friday, an elementary school teacher poses her students a challenge...

"If you can tell me who said the following quote, they don't have to come to school on Monday: 'We have nothing to fear, but fear itself'"
A hand shoots up and little Billy Tran says "Franklin Delano Roosevelt".
"Correct, Billy. You can have next Monday off" the teacher replies.
"I'm ...

The blonde detective

A blonde woman wants to prove she is smart, so she goes down to the local police station and says that she wants to become a detective. The police chief decides to humor her, and asks her "Okay, can you tell what is 1 and 1?" "Eleven", she replies. The chief thinks a moment and says, "That's not wh...

TIL Abraham Lincoln is the only president that cannot be convicted of a crime

Because he's innocent.

A guys dies and goes to heaven...

St. Peter is giving the guy a tour. They walk down a huge hallway filled with clocks.
"What are all these clocks for" the guy asked.
"Every person who has ever lived has a clock and every time they lie it ticks 1 second" St peter says
"So where is george washingtons clocks at the guy asked...

What do Abraham Lincoln and Peyton Manning have in common?

Neither can finish a play.

Who are the most open-minded presidents?

Abraham Lincoln, James A. Garfield, William McKinley, and John F. Kennedy

“The main problem with the internet is that there is no way to validate most facts “

Abraham Lincoln. 1865

Isaac and the Catholic School

Abraham, an Orthodox Jew, has a 13 year old son named Isaac.

Isaac keeps getting sent home from school again for bad behavior. Abraham is at his wits end and doesn’t know what to do. He talks it over with his Catholic neighbor, Frank.

“I don’t know what to do with him,” sighs Abraham...

Abraham Lincoln walks out in his garden in heaven and sees his neighbor in his own garden

Abraham: "Your grass is getting long, shouldn't you cut it?"
Neighbor: "Yeah... You know, I used to have people for that..."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It has been said that Abraham Lincoln wrote a journal on how to construct a sturdy house that would last 100 years...

...for many years engineers have been trying to replicate it, but sadly they haven't found any of Lincoln's Logs.

A young Jewish boy goes to a new school in a small American mid-west town

The teacher asks the class, “Who was the greatest man that ever lived?”
A girl raises her hand and says, “I think George Washington was the greatest man that ever lived because he is the father of our country.”
The teacher replies, “Well, that’s a very good answer, but that’s not quite the ans...

The genie told me I could have dinner with any five people from history, living or dead, so I chose Abraham Lincoln, John Dillinger, the Zodiac Killer, Marilyn Monroe, and my dear departed grandfather.

The genie said," You could choose five".

If Historical figures only had a Jewish Mother...

MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER: "After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?"


CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you didn't call, you didn't write."


MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER: "A ceiling you paint? No...

The teacher pulls Johnny aside after a test...

“Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests,” she says. “You know I can’t condone cheating.”

Johnny was astounded and asked the teacher to prove it.

"Well,” said the teacher. “I was looking over your test and the question was, 'Who was our first president?', an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is literally what my non-religious brother said to my Astronaut colleague.

Colleague :Hey Abraham, you are a Jew right?

Abraham : Well, not exactly. I'm Jew-ish.

Bubba applied to work for the FBI

Bubba was not a smart man by any stretch of the imagination, but he very much wanted to work for the FBI. He took a trip up to Washington to take the admissions test, and after the test was scored, the agent in charge pulled Bubba aside.

He said, "Son, this may well be the worst I've ever se...

Three days ago, in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic, Donald Trump was visited by the ghost of George Washington.

"George," Trump asked, "how can I fix this? How do I make America great again?"

"Never tell a lie."

"I don't lie. Go away."

Two days ago, he was visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson.

"Hey, Tom, how do I fix this? How can I make America great again?"

"Listen to ...

ACTUAL transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95.

Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."

Canadians: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."

Americans: "This...

A Blonde decides she want to join the police...

She goes down to her local station & starts applies to join.


The Sergeant calls her over & says, 'before you join, I need to ask you a few questions'


1st Question: 'What's 2+2?'


Blonde says: 'that's easy 4'


2nd qstn: 'What the square root o...

Why did Lot start crying at dinner?

Abraham asked him to pass the salt

There were only two people ever shot in a theatre:

Abraham Lincoln and the guy in front of Paul Reubens.

You know...

KFC'S business has been booming ever since Abraham Lincoln became president

In a certain politician's dreams, Franklin Delano Roosevelt appears. The politician asks him "What can I do to make America great again?". FDR responds "Do everything for the people". The politician wakes up startled, and mutters "Lies!" under his breath. The next night,

George Washingon appears in the dreams of the politician.

He asks "What can I do to make America great again?", to which GW responds "Never tell a lie".

The politician wakes up startled, and curses under his breath.

The next night, Abraham Lincoln appears in the politician's...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.