So there were 3 Mathematicians and 3 Engineers...

... and they were all traveling to the same conference. At the train station, the mathematicians each bought a train ticket, and the engineers only bought one to share between the three of them.

"What a bunch of idiots," the mathematicians said. "When the ticket master comes through, they'll ...

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week".
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cr...

Engineer in Hell

An engineer dies and goes to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Sa...

What drugs are IT Engineers addicted to?

Codeine.

I have a Polish friend who is an audio engineer.

And a Czech one too. Czech one too.

In a hotel a engineer, a physicist and a mathematician...

... are sleeping when a fire breaks out.

The engineer wakes up, notices the fire, grabs the next fire extinguisher and starts spraying.... After what seems hours of heroic fighting the fire is gone and he goes to sleep again.

But the fire breaks out again. The physicist wakes up, notic...

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference.

At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountan...

Four engineers get into a car. The car won't start.

The mechanical engineer says: It is a broken starter.

The electrical engineer says: Dead battery.

The chemical engineer says: Impurities in the gasoline.

The IT engineer says: Hey guys, I have an idea how about we all get out of car and then back in.

A surgeon, an engineer, and a politician are debating over whose profession was the first established on the Earth.

A surgeon, an engineer, and a politician are debating over whose profession was the first established on the Earth.

"According to the Bible," says the surgeon, "God took a rib from Adam to make Eve. That's a surgeon's job, so we were first."

"But before that, the Bible says God create...

An electrical engineer is wrongly accused of a crime.

His name is Myto and he swears he did not kill anybody. However, all the evidence points to him. Of course, he gets 25 years in prison.

When he gets to prison, he meets his bunkmate, Big Joel. Now, contrary to what you may think, Big Joel was not a rapist. In fact, he was the nicest man Myto...

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with...

I asked a train engineer how many times he's derailed the train.

He looked at me and said "I honestly don't know... It's hard to keep track".

Why do java engineers wear glasses?

Because they can't C#

I met an Australian network engineer

I asked him "do you come from a LAN down under?"

Three engineers are trying to figure out what sort of engineer God is

The mechanical engineer says "God must be a mechanical engineer. Look at how perfectly our joints are assembled and how fluid our movements are!"

The electrical engineer says "Not at all, God must be an electrical engineer. The bio-electric processes in our brain exceed anything we can invent...

A Priest, a Politician, and an Engineer are set to be executed by guillotine during the French Revolution.

The Executioner brings the Priest up first. He ask him if he'd like to lie facing down or facing up for his death. He responds that he would like to be facing up, so he can see the heavens while he's going to God. So the Executioner lays the Priest down in the guillotine facing up. He then releases ...

Three Engineers are Discussing God

The structural engineer says "I think God must've been a structural engineer. The musculoskeletal system is perfectly designed to allow us to walk upright."

The electrical engineer says "Interesting, but you are obviously wrong. God is an electrical engineer. The nervous system is so compl...

An engineer dies and is sent to hell

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the...

Engineer and Anti-vaxxer come to the bridge

Anti-vaxxer says to the engineer: Is it safe to cross the bridge?

Engineer: It is 99,97% safe to cross that bridge.

Anti-vaxxer: I'd rather swim.

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical.

After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Many years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to ...

What's the difference between a mechanical engineer and a civil engineer?

A mechanical engineer designs weapons. A civil engineer designs targets.

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A team of engineers are unveiling their new invention to a navy admiral

“So from what I can see, it appears to just be a normal submarine” the Admiral says.

“Quite far from it...” the lead engineer responds, “... while it may appear to be your standard submarine. It has quite the trick up it’s selves”

“Well what is it”, the Admiral says excitedly.

...

An engineer was trying to design the world's fastest car.

An engineer was trying to design the world's fastest car. So he could keep track of the different models, he gave a different letter to each model.

The first time, he could only get the car to go 135 mph. Thinking he could do better, he redesigned the car, tried again, and made the car go 14...

How can you tell if an engineer is an extrovert?

He looks at your shoes when he talks to you.

An engineer, a mathematician, a cartographer and a philosopher have a contest...

An engineer, a mathematician, a cartographer and a philosopher have a contest. Whoever can fence off the largest area of land with only 100 meters of fence will win and prove their profession superior.

The engineer goes first, and using his expertise makes a square 25m by 25m for 625m^(2). Co...

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There were three engineers in a car.

One was ***an electrical engineer***, one was ***a chemical engineer*** and one was a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stopped by the side of the road, and the three engineers looked at each other wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggested ***stripping down*** the elec...

Who designed the female body - an engineer or a biologist?

An engineer, only an engineer would place a waste disposal site so close to a recreation area.

Three college graduates—one in Math, one in Engineering, and one in Economics—sit for a job interview.

The question they’re all asked is “What’s 2+2?”

The Math graduate goes to the whiteboard, fills it with a proof, and concludes that, “A solution exists.”

The Engineering graduate consults his addition tables, writes some calculations down, graphs his results, and says, “3. But we’ll ma...

A man is lost in a hot air balloon

He sees a field below and descends to shout:
"Hey can you tell me where I am? I'm trying to get to a friend whom I said I would meet in 30 minutes."


The man in the field says: "Yes, you are in a red hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above the ground, in the middle of this field"
...

Where do network engineers go to use the toilet?

At their IP address.

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a statistician all walk into different rooms, each containing a bucket of water and a garbage can that is on fire.

The engineer walks into his room. He sees the fire, then sees the bucket. He immediately grabs the bucket and dumps the whole thing on the fire to put it out.

The physicist walks into his room and sees the fire and bucket. He takes out a sheet of paper and calculates exactly how much water he...

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are staying in a hotel for a convention.

A fire breaks out in each of their trash cans at the same time during the night.

The engineer wakes up, dumps water onto the fire until its out, then a little more to make sure it stays out, and goes back to bed.

The physicist wakes up, grabs his notepad, calculates the amount of water...

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The Shredder

A young engineer was leaving the office at 5:45 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainl...

An engineer, a rabbi, a priest, a pilot and a politician walk into a bar.

The bartender says, “what is this, some kinda joke?”

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An engineer, physicist, and mathematician are friends

One day, the engineer's house catches fire. He uses the fire extinguisher and puts it out.

A few days later, the physicist's house also catches fire. He uses a fire extinguisher as well, but calculates the hottest point of the fire and puts it out effectively.

A month goes by, and the ...

How can you tell when you've met an extroverted engineer?

They look at YOUR shoes when speaking.

An engineer dies, and by some mistake he is sent to hell.

Satan was unsure of why the engineer was sent down there, but he might as well be of use. He commissioned the engineer to install AC, plumbing, various water features, and many other amenities that really started to turn hell into a pretty decent place.

God, on the other hand, took notice of ...

I caught my INFOSEC engineer doing cocaine today

On the upside, he's an excellent packet sniffer.

What does a prison for mathematicians, scientists, and engineers and an unborn fetus have in common?

They're both full of STEM cells

There once was a young engineer,

who having worked for several years, decided that he and his family should have a weekend getaway place.

He searched the surrounding country, and found a lovely spot with frontage on a small river. They built a cabin, and began spending time there every chance they got. The kids loved it, an...

A class of aerospace engineers and their professor were all given free tickets to Hawaii.

Once on the plane, the captain announced they were flying the aircraft the students had assembled. Everyone immediately rushed off, except for the teacher who relaxed in his seat. The flight asked "Wow, you have that much faith in your students?" The teacher replied, "I know exactly what my students...

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and an architect are sitting around, talking

They get onto the topic of how amazing the human body is. The mechanical engineer says “God must’ve been a mechanical engineer, I mean, look at the human skeletal system, so well put together, amazing how he did that” the electrical engineer says “no, God was an electrical engineer. Not even the bes...

What do you call the desire to over engineer buildings?

A complex complex complex.

An mechanical engineer, electrician and programmer are driving in a car.

After few hours their car suddenly stops and they start to wonder what went wrong.

Mechanical engineer says: "I bet there's something wrong with the engine."

Electrician says: "I think the battery might be dead."

Programmer thinks for a while and then says: "Guys, what if we get...

I've always wanted to be a train engineer. I spent 15 years in engineering school, 10 years learning about train history, and 5 years learning how to operate a train.

I really thought I would've been trained by now.

It annoys me when Engineering students call themselves Engineers...

You don't hear medical students calling themselves doctors, or art students calling themselves unemployed.

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a civil engineer were having a drink after work

As they drank, the conversation turned to God. Obviously, he was an engineer! But what sort of engineer?

The mechanical engineer brought up the perfection of the human joints and musculature. Surely that proved God was a mechanical engineer!

The electrical engineer responded that, wi...

An engineer goes to hell...

Upset with the conditions in hell, the engineer decides to do something about it. The engineer adds running water to help keep the fires at down, creates an escalator and elevator system to help deal with all the stairs, adds central cooling to reduce the heat, and always continued to improve on the...

Why was the proud civil engineer salty?

He received constructive criticism.

Two engineer students were biking across campus.

One said to the other, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The fi...

Some friends who are software engineers invited me to go see a movie with them, but when we met up I found them staring at a centipede.

I asked when we were going to see the movie.

They replied that the centipede was a feature, not a bug.

Quality assurance engineer walks into a bar...

He orders 1 beer.
Then he orders 2 beers.
Then he orders 9999999 beers.
Then he orders -1 beer.
Then he orders a dragon.
Then he asks to buy a jdhdjsbeh

Another customer walks in, asks where the bathroom is. The bar collapses and kills everyone inside

An engineer is walking across campus

And he is stopped by a classmate who says I have to tell you the craziest story.

I was walking through the park and this beautiful blonde was riding by on a bike, she saw me, stopped, got off the bike, took off all her clothes and stood there with her arms wide and said to me, take what you w...

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a computer engineer are riding in a car.

The car brakes down and coast to the side of the road.

"Hang on," says the mechanical engineer. "The problem is probably the engine, let me have a look at it and I'll have us on the road again in no time."

"Wait," says the electrical engineer. "The way it just stopped like that, I th...

An unemployed engineer opens a clinic

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."
A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.
Doctor: "I have l...

I told her I'm a mechanical engineer

I can't fix her car, but I can screw, nut, and bolt.

Engineer Expenses

A maintenance man was tasked to fix a complex machine that had gone down. He tries for days to fix the machine, but cannot find the root of the issue. After trying for so long, he goes back to his boss.



"Boss, I think we need to call an engineer."



"Fine. Just make ...

An electrical engineer is at his grandpa's funeral

His parents never told him how his grandpa had passed, so he walks around the funeral party asking for clues.
"He was at the gym" said one friend, but grandpa had a strong body and heart thought the grandson.
"It was in the bathroom," said a cousin quietly, but he would say no more.
"It was...

A mathematician , a physicist and an engineer talk about numbers

Mathematician: *π* is the most beautiful number

Physicist: I like *e* most

Engineer: What a coincidence! 3 is my favorite number, too!

A doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer are all sentenced to death via the guillotine...

The executioner tells the men, “if I pull the lever and the blade doesn’t drop, you’re free to go. And your sentence will count as paid in full.”

As the Doctor steps up to the guillotine, the executioner asks, “would you like to be face down or face up?” “I’ll go face up. It won’t matter,” re...

An engineer and a mathematician.

An engineer wakes up and realizes his bed is on fire. He spots a sink and a bucket, so he goes to the sink, fills the bucket, and douses the fire before going back to sleep.

A mathematician wakes up to find his bed is on fire. He spots the sink and the bucket and then goes to sleep satisfied ...

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An Airforce Pilot, an Army Engineer, and a Marine crash land in a rainforest...

They are surrounded by a tribe of cannibals and are approached by the Chief of the tribe. The Chief says that they are gonna eat them and use their skin for canoes, but they get to choose how they die. The Pilot chooses to kill himself with his sidearm, the Engineer asks for some fast acting poison....

A priest, a rabbi and an engineer are being lead to the guillotine to be executed.....

The priest tells the executioner, "I want to meet my maker face to face, can I lie on my back?"

The executioner says, "I see no problem with that."

As the blade comes down it stops halfway. The executioner sees this as a miracle and sets the priest free.

The rabbi makes the same...

A physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are all locked in separate burning buildings.

The physicist runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds that amount, puts out the fire, and survives. The engineer pulls out a calculator, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds 10 times that a...

A man is an aircraft engineer for the army.

However, he is having some trouble with planes. Whenever a plane flies too high or too fast in the sky, the wings will break of the plane. One day, the Engineer decides to go to the park. He sits down on a bench with a rabbi. He tells the rabbi about how his planes’ wings always fall off. The rabbi ...

what did the buddhist say to the electrical engineer?

‘ohmmmmmmmm’

4 engineers repairing a car

*there are 4 engineers in a car but it doesn't start*

Mechanical engineer: the spark plug must be broken

Chemical engineer: there must be impurities in the gas

Electrical engineer: the contact must be broken

Computer engineer: what if we exit and enter the car ano...

An engineer, physicist, and mathematician have been imprisoned.

At some point, the warden realizes that the three men haven't been fed in a while. He accompanies an officer to check up on them. The warden and officer arrive at the first cell that contained the engineer. To their astonishment, the cell was empty and the wall had a hole in it.

"How is that ...

I Hate Engineer Students

I hate engineer students, they always walk around saying "I'm an engineer" this, or "I'm an engineer" that.

You don't hear a math student say "i'm a mathematician" or an art student say "i'm a barista".

An engineer had a sign in front of his clinic that said, "Medical consultation for only $50. If I can't make you better, I will pay you $100."

A doctor, knowing he can stump the engineer and wanting to get some cash, goes straight to the engineer. "Hey," he says. "I lost my sense of taste. I can't taste any food anymore."

The engineer takes a small bottle from his drawer, told the doctor to take his tongue out, and put 15 drops of t...

Civil engineer goes to Hell

A civil engineer dies and goes to Hell by accident. According to policy, all civil engineers go to Heaven but a mistake was made this time. The engineer descends to Hell and he finds the situation miserable. Too much heat, fires, lava, vapor, and everyone is in panic mode. So he goes to have a littl...

What do electrical engineer's have for breakfast?

Serial.

Engineers!

Background information:

In India we have long distance trains which are pulled using engines and have toilet facilities, and seats which double as beds. It issues two types of tickets one is to ride the train (used by people to travel short distances, 8-10hrs) and another is to ride the train...

A statistician, a physicist, and an engineer go on a hunting trip (better ending)

They are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing

The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, but misses the deer 5 feet to the left.

The engineer rolls his eyes and says "you forgot to acc...

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It's the time of the French Revolution and they're doing their usual daily beheadings..

Today they're leading a priest, a prostitute and an engineer up to the guillotine.

They ask the priest if he wants to be face up or face down when he meets his fate. The priest says that he would like to be face up so he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the ...

I've got a Russian friend who's a sound engineer

And a Czech one too. A Czech one too.

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistre...

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a building engineer are having a night out...

After a couple of drinks, they are having a chat about god,



The mechanical engineer starts:

"Have you noticed how brilliantly humans mechanics are designed. The joints and the drivetrain are so perfectly executed, that I think God must be a mechanical engineer."


...

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What do you call your electrical engineer brother who got a sex change?

Transistor

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An engineer threw a party for all of his friends.

During the party, someone realized that the big lottery drawing was that night. Since they were low on beer, they decided to all come up with their lottery numbers and buy their tickets during the beer run.

The programmer created an interactive program, complete with simulated announcer readi...

What do you get when you cross a Software Engineer with an English teacher?

A programmar.

A doctor and an Engineer loved the same girl

The doctor gave her a rose everyday while the engineer gave her an apple. One day, the girl got confused and asked the engineer,

"The rose has a meaning but why do you give an apple everyday?"

The engineer replied,

"Why? An apple a day keeps the doctor away!"

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Why should you respect pornstars more than structural engineers?

Most pornstars I've seen are better at handling distributed loads.

Three engineers are discussing God...

They argue over what kind of engineer God would be. The first engineer says, "God must be a mechanical engineer. Look at how the body moves with all its muscles, bones, joints, ligaments and tendons. The amount of coordination it takes to stand upright, walk and run! He's a mechanical engineer."...

An engineer and art major were living together. One day, the house burned down, but only the engineer survived

The reason: The engineer was at work

In Heaven, the Germans are the engineers, the French are the cooks and the English are the policemen.

In Hell, the Germans are the policemen, the French are the engineers, and the English are the cooks.

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Three engineers are standing together as they discuss the possible developer of the human body.

First one says: "It surely was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all these complex joints."
The second one replies: "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system is made of thousands of electrical connections."
The last one: "No, must have been an archtitect. Who the fuck else would...

A mathematician and an engineer agreed to take part in an experiment.

They were both placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician said "this is pointless" and stormed off". The engineer agreed to go...

In heaven, the English are the Police, the Germans are the organizers, the French are the cooks, the Italians are the lovers and the Swiss are the engineers.

In hell, the English are the cooks, the Germans are the Police, the French are the engineers, the Italians are the organizers, and the Swiss are the lovers.

(I love you all, my european brethren! ;) )

A priest, a rabbi, and an engineer get caught by savages and are all set to be executed...

The priest lays down on the block, chanting his prayer profusely waiting for the guillotine to drop. The executioner pulls the lever, but the sharp blade stops inches before the preist's neck. The savages are scared of the preist's deity and lets him go. Next, the rabbi does the same and prays silen...

A Math Professor, an engineer and a butcher goes to their 10 year school reunion

A math professor, an engineer and a butcher goes to their 10 year school reunion. The prof arrives in a small yellow Volkswagen, the engineer arrives in a BMW and the butcher arrives in a Ferrari.

After a bit of small talk the prof and the engineer asks the butcher how he got to buy such a gr...

Even the best farmers or engineers failed to develop a brand of cannabis-fed beef meat

The steaks were too high

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An engineer dies and goes to hell...

He is welcomed by his orientation demon, who shows him around and explains how things work. The engineer notices that a lot of things aren't working and are in dire need of fixing. The air conditioning is busted, the network is overloaded, there's power shortages everywhere, everything is overheatin...

How do you tell the difference between an extroverted engineer and introverted engineer?

The extroverted engineer looks at YOUR feet when he's talking to you.

A priest, a drunk, and a engineer are about to be executed...

A priest, a drunk, and a engineer are about to be executed in France during the French Revolution. The priest is first in line and the executor asks him if he wants to be looking up or down as the guillotine blade falls on him. The priest replies "I want to look up at the heavens before I die." As a...

What is an electric engineers favourite band?

Ac-Dc

10 engineering professors board a plane

Once they are inside and the plane is a about to take off, the air hostess comes out and tells everyone that the plane has been made by the students of those teachers. Immediately 9 of the professors get up and run away from the plane while one of them stays sit, calmly reading a book.

One of...

Did you hear about the Mexican train engineer that killed a bunch of people?

They said he had a loco motive.

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Why are medical engineers that build organs assholes?

They give us truss tissues.

Three engineers are sitting at a bar and the bartender asks "If God were an engineer what type would he be."

The first engineer says "He'd be a mechanical engineer. Think about all the bones in the human body and well they work together."

The second engineer says "Well, God was most likely an electrical engineer. Consider the human brain and the complexity of the nervous system."

The third ...

What do you call someone who is bigoted against scientists and engineers?

Anti-STEMitic

There was this engineer who died and went to Hell.

He disliked Hell, so pretty soon he went to work improving it. He installed air conditioning, elevators, bathroom air fresheners, escalators, and all sorts of gadgetry. One day God calls Satan:

"So, how are things down there?" asks God.

"Great!" Satan replies, "we now have air conditio...

Bored with the carefree life, Timon and Pumbaa decide to become software engineers

Their first day in the office, Timon spends three hours straight working on a huge piece of code, but it keeps returning errors.

Finally, Pumbaa says: "Hey Timon, why don't you take a break? I'll fix you some bugs."

How many engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. There are no formula sheets for that.

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said one, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, and announced, "Twenty...

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I tried to submit a patent for a gold plated butt plug, but some engineers at BMW beat me to it.

I guess they are already making overpriced toys for assholes.

What do good weed dealers and bad engineers have in common?

Both know not to use what they sell

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