I edited my pig's genes to make it taste better

you might even say the bacon is CRISPR

What part of the fridge do you keep the gene edited baby in?

The CRISPR

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A priest and a taxi driver arrive at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter welcomes them and shows them to their homes.

For the taxi driver, a beautiful villa looking over a gorgeous field of clouds. "Thank you," the ecstatic taxi driver said.

Anticipating an even bigger mansion, the priest was dismayed when they arrived at a small 1-bedroom apartme...

An edited version of a joke that’s been already posted.

A proton, a neutron, and an electron got into a bar fight.

The bartender called the police, but when the officers arrived, they only arrested the proton. Confused, the bartender asked, “why did you only arrest the proton?”

To which one of the officers replied, “well you see, the elect...

Donald Trump, Hilary Clinton, Obama, and a little girl are on a crashing plane wit only 3 parachutes...

Hilary Clinton says, ” I'm off to win the next election, ” takes a parachute, and jumps off. Donald Trump says, ”I’m better than you fools, you're fired, ” picks one up, and jumps off. Obama says to the girl, ” you are our future, you take the last parachute.” The girl responds with, ”no, we both ...

Knowledge is knowing that papers are best written with alcohol and edited with caffeine.

Wisdom is realizing that this does not make a Jagerbomb a study tool

Edited from my mistake earlier today: what do paedophiles and napalm have in common?

They can both strip a Vietnamese orphan in under 30 seconds.

What do you call an edited series of MILF videos?

A Momtage

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Life lesson

You can't spell advertisements without semen between the tits.(edited)

A man stumbles upon a lamp on the beach, rubs it, and a genie comes out.

"I shall grant you three wishes- but keep in mind that anything you wish for, your mother-in-law will get the same, two-fold."

The man thinks. "OK. For my first wish, I'd like to have a villa with an ocean view."

The genie says "OK, but your mother-in-law will have two."

"That's...

Two Americans are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon.

Two American men are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon. However, they arrived several hours early, and had little to do on Sunday morning while everything was closed.

"Well," one says to the other, pointing to a nearby Cathedral, "why don't we attend Mass?...

14. Having your title be an extension of the post as well

Things I hate

1 Lists

2 Irony

4 Numbers being out of order

5 Skipping numbers

F Inconsistency

7 Repetition

7 Repetition

8 Speling wurdz rong

9 DLC

10 Replying to your own comment

Edit: 11 Edited posts

Buy the Reddit ...

Donald Trump is standing in the gallows...

The executioner is fitting the rope around his neck.

Below the platform are all the news networks. They are all clamoring for a final statement before the man is hanged for his crimes.

Trump simply smiles and shakes his head.

Finally, one question is heard above the roar of the...

Son: Dad, my wife is pregnant.

Dad: That’s great! I’m so proud of you!

Son: Thanks So-proud-of-you, I’m your son.

Dad: I have trained you well.



Edited to appease and give credit to /u/Alexxion

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Trump, Saudi King & Putin find a Lamp on a golf course.

During a world leaders meeting President Trump, The Saudi King and Vladimir Putin take time out to go for a stroll to examine the resorts golf course and settle their differences.

Whilst over the green on the 1st hole President Trump and Putin get into a heated argument. The Saudi King takes ...

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A Jewish guy sat down opposite a Christian man in front of the church,

As services began, people walked in and stared down the Jew. They then put *obviously* large bills into the Christian man’s plate. This went on for a few days until the priest decided to help the Jew out. “Son. I don’t really think this is a great place for you to try and collect money. Maybe go in ...

An Asian woman has twins, a boy and a girl.

They came out within two seconds of each other, and the doctors forgot to record which one actually came out first. This was problematic for her as it had been a tradition in her family going back almost a thousand years to name the first born of each generation "Lin". After some discussion from her...

*Creating password*

"MTWTFSS_MTWTFSS"

ERROR: [Password two week]


^Edited ^for ^better ^understanding

Did you hear about the hipster youth pastor creating a new Christian sect combining elements of Protestant and Baptist beliefs?

He's a Pabst-ist.

Edited to help /u/visualshocker get the joke

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Is she a virgin?

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin. The doctor said, “Well, you need three things from a Do-It-Yourself Shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint… and a shovel. Paddy asked, “And what do I do with these, Doc?" The doctor replied, “Be...

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A guy gets a worm parasite...

A guy goes on a mission trip and contracts a gnarly parasite worm. Every doctor tells him he's done for and the worm will starve him to death, but a friend of his who used to go on mission trips tells him about this doctor that has a technique to get rid of the worm, but warns him that the doctor is...

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u/Jayhawk_Dunk reminded me a joke my dad told me

John Shit told his dad he wasn't happy about his name and he wanted to change it. His dad didn't accept it right away but well, he was 22 after all, he was an adult. If he wanted, he could not not disagree.

That day he went to the place to change his name.

*Good afternoon sir, what di...

Rene De Carte Walks into A Bar

Rene Descarte walks into a bar.

The bartender asked if he wanted a drink.

Descarte responded with “I think not”

Descarte disappears

Edited: fixed name

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A bad smell follows the bastard

A woman came home from work one day, and her husband of fifteen years had a rather dramatic message for her: he wanted a divorce.

Understandably, she was quite devastated by the news, and to make matters worse he demanded she move out of their home before the end of the month. He offered her ...

Where do dogs do their banking?

Barklays


Edited because of autocorrect.

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A German, Italian, And Irishman are sitting at a bar...

when 3 flies fly into the room and into the 3 drinks.

The German puts down the drink, and says "i cant drink this!'

the Italian takes out the fly, and says "that's good enough for me" and continues drinking.

The Irishman starts vigorously shaking the fly, and yells "SPIT IT OUT...

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead rob a bank..

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead decide to rob a bank. Everything goes well-they have their masks on, the bank hands over the money-awesome.

Exiting the bank, they hear sirens and see several cop cars round the corner, so they dash into a small alleyway.

The cops are quick though, a...

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A man and a woman...

...meet at a bar, really dig each other, and decide to go back to his place for a bit of fun.

One thing leads to another, and soon the woman is on her back, enthusiastically receiving oral sex. As she's moaning and writhing, she hears the man's muffled voice say what sounds like "urinate"....

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Did you double check the fuel?

A villager from rural part of India is really excited about taking his first flight to start his new job in America. After saying the traditional goodbyes to the entire village, he gets onto the bus that will take him to the city.

Along the way, the bus runs out of fuel and he has to get out...

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The Irish Millionaire

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything i...

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A new STD I had never heard about

Bobby and Ginger were making passionate love in Bobby’s mini van when suddenly Ginger, not at all shy, yelled out ''Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!''

Bobby, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opened the win...

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The Marine Corp and the radio

One month into Marine Corps training in San Diego, we were preparing for a ten-mile march in 100-degree weather when a jeep drove up with a big - sophisticated looking radio in the back.

"Who knows anything about radios?" our drill instructor asked.

Several hands went up, and anticipat...

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A woman is in the hospital in a coma...

and the husband is in the waiting room. The doctor comes out and tells the husband every time he gets near her crotch, her heart rate increases, and tells the husband he believes oral sex will bring her out of the coma.

The husband enters the room. Shortly after, the doctor hears a flatline a...

I hope I pass away like my grandpa. Peacefully in his sleep.

Not wide awake like his passengers.

Edited because I suck.

It's 4:04, you know what that means!

Nevermind, 404 not found.

I had a joke about time travel but you guys didn’t like it.

So I choose not to post it this time around

Edit: Thanks for the 1000 upvotes this time guys!
( Edited when I only had 27)

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What's the difference between jokes and dicks?

My girlfriend doesn't laugh at my jokes.

*edited for spelling: "Mr" instead of "my"*

Doctor: "I have some bad news, and some very bad news"

Patient:"Well, might as well give me the bad news first."

Doctor:"The lab called and told me you only have 24 hours to live."

Patient:"24 hours!? That's terrible! What could be worse than that?"

Doctor:"Your phone has been off, and I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.....

A priest is pulled over for speeding...

Smelling alcohol on the priest breath and noticing a wine bottle in the passenger seat of the car, the highway patrolman asks, "father, have you been drinking?"

"just water," the priest replies.

"Then why do I smell wine on your breath?" quipped​ the patrolman.

The priest lo...

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A doctor at work

A doctor's at work and has to sign some papers. He reaches into his breast pocket to get a pen and, to his surprise, pulls out a rectal thermometer instead. "Some asshole's got my pen!", he exclaims.

*Edited on the suggestion of /u/cunt-hooks*

The Devil burst through the floor of a church in Brooklyn

He starts roaring and shouting in everyone's face saying, "DOOMS DAY HAS COME AND ALL YOUR SOULS ARE NOW MINE!" And he begins to laugh maniacally.
Everybody runs out screaming in terror except for one old dude who is giving him the evil eye. So The Devils gets right in face and roars his loudest ...

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Four virgin girls die and go to heaven...

They are greeted by an angel. The four of them are in line waiting to be called by the angel.
The first girl was called.
The angel asked her "have you ever touched a penis before?"
She replied blushing, " to be honest I've seen one"
The angel says "go to the bucket of holy water over the...

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The mermaid joke

The guy that has only one testicle was swimming in the pond and all of a sudden someone grabs him from his testicle. He looks down and sees a mermaid is holding his ball.
Then mermaid asks:
plus 1 or minus 1?
The shocked and scared guy says:
plus 1.
Tge mermaid lets him go and swim...

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Bigfoot's country

3 scientists, one from Greenland, one from Canada and one from America, are discussing where Bigfoot lives.
Greenland: He obviously lives in my land of Greenland, as we have enough space and the right climate for him.
Canada: No, he must live in Canada. We have the perfect amount of forest, an...

A woman walks into a pet store...

And eyes a beautiful parrot with a muzzle on its beak. She's curious about the muzzle and asks a clerk why the parrot was muzzled. The clerk tells her that the parrot once belonged to a very salty pirate and that it has the filthiest mouth he's ever heard.
She sees the possibility of a discount ...

Three friends die and go to heaven

*Edited for spelling*

[The names of the friends are interchangeable, try using your own friends' names for added humor]

Three friends die and go to heaven. When they reach the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets them, giving them the usual speel that everyone gets when they're about to ente...

Math class

Teacher asks Johnny:

"Imagine you have $200. And you give $50 to Jane, $50 to Suzi, $50 to Melissa. What would you have?"

"An orgy?"

Edited: names spelling, grammar.

In North Korea...

[edited] everything is grand and prosperous and USA is smelly

I have good false memory

I can misspell every single word on the dictionary.

Edited: grammar

Dave knows everyone there is to know....

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I'll know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff,
"OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No drama's boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
...

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A Chinaman and a Jew are in a racist argument...

A Chinaman and a Jew are in a racist argument when the Jew rears back and punches the Chinaman in the nose. The Chinaman says, "What was that for?"

The Jew responds, "That was for Pearl Harbor you son of a bitch."

The Chinaman looks confused and says, "Pearl Harbor was bombed by th...

Tiger Woods was pulled over and given a sobriety test.

He would have passed but withdrew 1/2 way through.

*edited for word superfluous word removal.

What's the difference is between a lobster with breast implants and a filthy bus depot?

One is a busty crustacean and the other is a crusty bus-station!
*edited because I screwed up my original punchline...

Accident at the golf course

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a group of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the guys. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed do...

So I'm in Ikea....

...and I ask the salesperson, "Is this a finished desk?"
and she says, "No, it's Swedish."

(edited to make more better)

Joke on the stackexchange website (You'll only understand it if you have asked queries on the stackexchange sites)

I was trying to boil an egg and noticed some eggs cracking. So I posted the following question in the stackexchange (cooking) website

"how do you boil eggs without cracking them?"

I got the following response comment with 0 answers:

> Mod here. This is a cooking website and ...

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Southern ball in need of two male guests.

A lady of the plantation in a southern state was holding a ball in her wonderful country house. With most of the local well-to-do's attending and a great portion of her extended family (those who she did invite, of course) coming as well, she found herself with a problem.


Her two nieces w...

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A sex-reassignment specialist is trying to simplify the names of surgical procedures...

He takes his nurse aside and explains "Lots of people come in here and get confused and intimidated by the medical jargon we use to explain the operations. From now on I want you to call male-to-female procedures "misterectomies".

The nurse is somewhat perturbed, but the specialist reassures...

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A joke from my grandpa.

It's the second grade and class has just begun. Mrs. Wood is doing a spelling pre-test.

Mrs. Wood: Mike, what does your dad do for work?

Mike: My dad is a plumber.

Mrs. Wood: Can you spell pipe?

Mike: P-I-P-E.

Mrs. Wood: Very good!

Mrs. Wood: Wong, what does...

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A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. (Sorry if repost)

After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flash light!". The woman says,
"Me too, you've been eating grass for the past 15 minutes!"


Edit; Edited something.

The Sheer Nightgown

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the sheerer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and a...

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So a cop pulls over a guy for wearing his seatbelt..

tells the citizen that his captain gave him a 100 dollar bill to give to the 100th person he sees wearing their seat belt. The citizen looks a little confused, but of course, accepts the note, and proceeds to leave. The officer asks, " So, if you don't mind my asking, what are you going to spend t...

So a man walks into a psychiatrists office...

wearing nothing by saran wrap. The psychiatrist takes one look at him and says, "well, I can clearly see you're nuts!"
edited for spelling, thanks for edfitz83 keen eye ;)

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One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner...

...As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.

Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?"

Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?"

Tom: "The smaller piece, of course....

The lawyer called his client overseas...

..."Your mother-in-law passed away in her sleep and I can't reach any other relatives. Shall we order burial or cremation?"

Back came the reply, "Take no chances - order both."

EDITED to improve flow as suggested by /u/emilskoda

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford

"The materials we put into our stomach should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the...

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What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?

Christopher Walken.

Edited for spelling, even though the guy was a stuffy old turd about it.

:D HEYOOO

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Gimme a push

It's the middle of the night out in the country an old man and his wife are fast asleep when they hear a pounding on the door. The old man tries to ignore it, but whoever is downstairs is being very insistent.

He puts on his robe and slippers and treks down the stairs and to the front door. ...

Foot, Foot-Foot, and Foot-Foot-Foot

So Foot, Foot-Foot, and Foot-Foot-Foot grew up together and were the best of friends.
They did everything together until one day Foot took ill.
So Foot-Foot and Foot-Foot-Foot took Foot to the doctor.
The doctor examined Foot and then tells Foot-Foot and Foot-Foot-Foot the bad news that ...

So, I saw Simba walking today..

and he was walking too slow. So I told him "C'mon! Mufasa"!

Edited for a bit more for clarity..

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It’s Friday the 13th, and St. Peter is having a busy day at the pearly gates...

…and needs to get creative to make sure he can make it through the backlog. So he decides that only people with really shocking deaths can get into Heaven today.

So the first guy in line comes to St. Peter’s desk, and when asked to describe his death, he says “Well I was a successful busines...

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It was just a bug..

A father is driving with his young daughter and unbeknownst to him, Lorena Bobbitt is driving in front of them after she had just cut off her husband's penis and is about to throw it into a field. It smacks and sticks against the father's windshield. After he realizes what it is, he quickly flips ...

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