UPJOKE
northerndirectionnortheastnorthwestnorthwesternnorthwardnortheasternamericaunited statessoutheastwestusausthe states

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by their government and the media.

But I know that can't possibly be true. Because every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

Kim Jong-un walks into a school in North Korea.

He asks a student "Who is your father?

The student replies "The Supreme Leader, infinite in wisdom and kindness, provider and protector of the Koreans, he is our only father."

Kim Jong beams. "Excellent. Now tell me who is your mother?"

The student doesn't hesitate. "The Land of...

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm...

...and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

...

I asked my North Korean friend how it was over there...

He said "I can't complain"

Santa walks into the North Pole bar, takes a seat, and asks the bartender for his most popular shot

Bartender pours out something that looks like candy cane. “It’s called ‘Elf Cum’”.

Santa cringes, but downs it and remarks, “Gee, that’s really good, but why do you call it ‘Elf Cum’?”

Bartender replies, “When I tested it out with Mrs. Claus, she said, ‘That tastes just like ...

North Korea announced to have successfully landed a man on the Sun

During a live interview with Kim Jong-un, a reporter asked, "the Sun is very hot! How did you land a man?" Kim proudly replied, "we launch at night!"

Meanwhile, Trump tweeted while watching the live, "Haha what an idiot! There is no Sun at night!"

Almost everyone at the North Pole becomes extremely anxious whenever Santa feels depressed

That’s when he’s most likely to elf harm.

Why did Kim Jong Un kill all the owls in North Korea?

Because they all kept repeating "Coup, Coup."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The billionaire and the mermaid whisperer

A billionaire is sailing his yacht past a lighthouse, and he sees the elderly lighthouse keeper out on the rocks at the base of the lighthouse, getting a blowjob from a mermaid - the top half was a stunning, curvy redhead, and the bottom half was a tiger shark. As he watches, the pair finish the act...

A man in the Canadian North tried to pitch me a pyramid scheme…

I said I don’t believe nunavut yukon!

What do you call a polar bear on the South pole and another Polar Bear On The North pole?

Polar Opposites.

You know what religion they practice in the North Pole?

Santaria.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed
from the current position as a result of failure to perform previou...

What's the difference between North Korea and EA?

North Korea hasn't screwed up as many launches as EA

A city was stolen today in the North of England

Police are desperately looking for Leeds

Sandy’s mum has four kids; North, West, East. What is the name of the fourth child?

Sandy, obviously!

Warning: Lawyer joke ahead

A big-city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator ...

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diverse joke

>An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutane...

What do you call three rappers on the border of North and South Korea?

RUN-DMZ

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New hire at the winery

At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.

The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and sa...

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My girlfriend just dumped me.

She said in a teary tirade:

“I can’t take your shit any more. You’re such a pedant. Everything I do is wrong. I loved you so much, but it’ll never be enough for you. I’m leaving now. Me and Gary are driving up north through the night and then you’ll never hear from me again”

She was a...

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Best submarine

Last Saturday, a British, a Russian and an American admiral met in Pearl Harbour, and standing on the water front, they were bragging about their ships.

British admiral: "I say chaps, we have a jolly good new submarine, which can go around Ireland under water without surfacing once. It's bloo...

A north Keoran soldier defected to the south….

When he was being debriefed he was asked why he decided to defect.

The soldier simply said that he fancied a change of Korea

Did you see that gymnast from North Korea in the Olympics?

She didn't win gold but her execution was flawless.

Did you hear about the pole vault champion of North Korea?

He’s now the pole vault champion of South Korea.

What do a divorce at the north pole and a semicolon have in common?

They both separate two clauses

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uni...

How does Ye explain his current problems to his kid?

“North West, I am sorry to say that my career is going south.”

In Siberia, at the edge of the sea, a fisherman is going about his business. Suddenly, an American submarine emerges from the water.

The lid on top opens and a sailor comes out. For a while he observes the surroundings with binoculars, then he shouts: "Set course to north-north-east!" He crawls back in, slams the lid closed and the boat disappears underwater.

The man stares in awe at the now still water and when he comes b...

What’s the difference between North Korea and the US?

North Koreans can’t tell if their leader is seriously dead. Americans can’t tell if their leader is dead serious.

The geography of a woman as she ages: (from a friend)

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa .
Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe.
Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain.
Very hot, re...

Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?

Because they have a supreme ruler

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A Polar bear cub who lives at the north pole...

He asks his dad, "Am I a polar bear?" His dad says


"I'm a polar bear, and your mother's a polar bear. That means you're a polar bear."


The cub asks "are you sure?"


Dad says" Of course I'm sure, go ask your mother.


Cub asks his mother "Am I a polar...

A North Korean go to Poland...

Kim Jong Un goes to Poland for a diplomatic visit but his car break in the Polish countryside.

He meet a farmer that ask him :

"Kim jesteś?" (Who are you?)

And Kim reply :

"No, Kim Jong Un."

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North Korea reported a 50% success on turning shit into butter

Spread is on par. Taste still slightly off.

A collection of humorous anecdotes from the world of education

>TEACHER: Maria, please can you find North America on the map.
>
>MARIA: Here it is.
>
>TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
>
>CLASS: Maria.



>TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? ...

Two men have been selected for an expedition to the North Pole

Their names are George Bernard and William Briggs. On this journey they’ve been given a state of the art ship to cross through iceberg laden waters unscathed and plenty of supplies for the trip. On the 20th of December George and William set off on their expedition. Unfortunately, unbeknownst to the...

ACTUAL transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95.

Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."

Canadians: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."

Americans: "This...

TEACHER: George go to the map and find North America.

George: Here is it!
TEACHER: Correct! now, class, who discovered North America?
Class: George!

Dad, name 5 animals living in the North Pole

Three seals and two penguins.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there are reports of UFO sightings and alien abductions in North America right now

They're only abducting people with large penises. YOU guys don't have anything to worry about but I just wanted to say the spaceship is super cool on the inside.

A North American Elk walks into a pizzeria...

A North American Elk walks into a pizzeria and sits at an empty table while he waits for the waiter. The waiter hands him a menu and the Elk ponders for a bit. He's not really in the mood for pizza, so he narrows it down to pasta. The Elk is finally ready to order, so he calls for the waiter. The wa...

The US ambassador was meeting the North Korea ambassador.

During the meeting, wanting to impress the Korean, the American ambassador started boasting.

"Last week, I was in London. I met the Olympic 1000 metres gold medallist.

The previous week, I was in Brussels. I met the world's leading mathematician.

The week before, I was in Paris....

A North Korean Soldier Walks Into A Bar

The bartender asks, "How's it going?" The North Korean soldier replies, "Can't complain!"

What’s the difference between North Korea and the North Pole?

One of them is forever ruled by a jolly fat man who directs an entire race of short people to produce packages he can drop from the sky all over the world, and the other is the North Pole.

I met a North African girl the other night, we spoke for hours.

We just clicked.

I asked my North Korean friend, “what’s it like to live in North Korea?”

He responded, “can’t complain.”

There was this musician in North Korea

One day, he was called upon by Kim Jong-Un himself, to compose a piece of music and have the great North Korean Orchestra play it live to him in the humble auditorium. The man, not wanting to displease the great leader, did as asked.

The big night arrived, with the musicians stood at the fro...

I'm from Dakota"

"North, South or Fanning?"

People in North Korea are so brainwashed by the government and controlled news thinking their country is great. Outsiders know better.

That is why I am glad to live in the greatest country in the world, America.

New York, New York!

I'm kind of worried about the news these days. They say North Korea has a missile that can hit New York. I mean, if it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go camping

In the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up and asks “tell me, Watson, what do you observe?”

Watson replies “it is a clear, cloudless sky. To the east I see the constellation of Orion whereby I can trail the handle of the plough pointing to Polaris, the North Star. As my eyes adjust to ...

What's the only drink size they allow in North Korea?

A supreme liter

BREAKING: North Korean leader in a vegetative state following surgery.

They've begun calling him Kim Jong Un-Responsive

Why couldn’t the North Pole make enough toys this year?

Because they are short-staffed!

Early last February this year, I learned that National Grammar Day is celebrated on March 4th; I was looking forward to celebrating with some friends of mine in Toledo, Ohio...

...I made the trip from Nevada by car; it was a wonderful celebration. My friends Jerry, Susan, and Cynthia organized a wonderful event consisting of a host of grammar related activities: proof-reading, sentence structuring, and more.

Susan also turned out to be a wonderful cook; she prepared...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old Sven collapsed one chill November Saturday after chopping maple wood near his house in the birch forest, five miles outside of Eagle River, Wisconsin.

He arose, sauntered home and changed into his flannel, tractor-print pajamas. It grew quiet and his breathing became labored. So, Sven lay down on the plaid-quilted single bed in the green guest room. His wife, Lena, tended to his care. He said nothing and sipped only a cup of water or two. On the e...

If Donald Trump wants to destroy North Korea...

Perhaps he should move there and become their leader.

Who does the work?

The population of this country is 327 million.


76 million are retired.
That leaves 251 million to do the work.


There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.
Which leaves 203 million to do the work


There are 74 million children yo...

Kim and Kanye’s kid launched a new perfume in her own name.

North—by North West.

What’s the one problem that everyone from Asia, Africa, North America, South America, Antarctica, Europe, and Australia have in common?

Living within continents.

A South Korean asks a North Korean “How’s life?”

The North Korean responds “Well, I can’t complain.”

Why is the North Korean dictator so evil?

Because he has no Seoul.

I recently visited a US state north of Texas and south of Kansas.

It wasn’t great, but it was OK.

I asked my North Korean friend how he liked living there.

He said he can't complain.



edit: my first award! thank you to jackdaman!

2nd edit: thanks to **TheGeorgiaGazette** for the 2nd award!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wealthy village man, Narendra Singh, is elected the leader of a group of villages in North India

He decides to give a victory speech to each of these villages. To do this, however, he realized he would need a secretary to introduce him and brag about how great he is, because it would look stupid if he did it himself. So he hires Mohan Nath, a highly respected member of his own village.

M...

North Korea has a new war game

The North Korean state media just announced today that in the event of possible war all citizens are ordered to follow Donald Trump on Twitter, as there’s no way in hell he would risk losing 42 million followers

The weakening and eventual shut down to the AMOC is expected to reduce total precipitation in North America and increase it in Africa.

Hundreds of millions of North Americans experiencing the worst droughts in history will be like "I guess the rain's down in Africa."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida

He goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota ."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a ...

When I was young, I brought a pie to the USA, a pie to Russia, and a pie to North Korea.

All because my maths teacher told me to carry pie to 3 dismal places.

Why is the North Korean National library so big?

Because Kim Jong-Un is a supreme reader!

I heard they are changing the name of Rymans in the North East of England.

Its now going to be referred to as Ry-aye mans.

A German, an Italian and a Chinese man arrive at a logging camp up north looking for work.

The boss sees the strapping young German and says, "you look strong and fit, here's a chainsaw, go join the fellers and help cut down some trees."
Next he looks at the Italian, a bit of a belly on him and looking well fed, and says, "You look like you know your way around the kitchen, go help in ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 college students accidentally miss the math final exam

The next day they both went to plead with their professor. He was feeling pretty good that day so he allowed them to retake it. He told them to both come back tomorrow for an oral exam. When they both showed up he told one of them to wait outside while he tests the other. So one enters and the other...

North Korean international press conference

The North Korean representative starts:

\- I will have you know that in North Korea no one has died of hunger

\- No one has died of thirst, of cold or homelessness

The Russian representative:

\- have you tried polonium ?

Ole buys a new cow

Sven asks Ole "how's dat new cow?" Great he replies except when I pull her teat she farts. Did you get her from North Dakota? I did, how did you know? "My wife's from there!"

What's the difference between North Korea and the USA?

In North Korea, power passes from grandfather to grandson.

In the USA, power passes from grandfather to grandfather.

North Korea has declared a 'cultural war' on K-pop coming in from the South. They decided the best way to counter this would be to creat their own genre of music.

They have named it K-Boom.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The dark presence of the knight in black armor terrified the patrons of the inn. And he was sulking at the bar, clearly worried as he down the pint of ale.

He towered over the others who were also in the inn's bar, his armor covered in jagged spikes that were as lethal as the man-sized swords that hung from his back. His eyes glowed blood-red and a sickening black miasma poured through the small cracks in the plate armor. He even had a large pair of ho...

Why is North Korea so heartless?

because they have no seoul

ahahahah.. please laugh

What do you call a chicken in the North Pole?

>!Lost!<

Centuries ago, on a remote island in the North Atlantic...

Vikings arrived and began a settlement with help from their Irish thralls. But they weren't alone. All manner of otherworldly beings lurked in the island's hidden corners. The Vikings called these beings *vættir*; the Gaels called them *Aes Sídhe*.

Among these beings were the selkies who frol...

North Korea is handling Covid surprisingly well

Last week 9/10 doctors said Covid-19 was under control,



This week the stat went up to 9/9!

A North Korean man was arrested and given 15 years for calling Kim Jong Un a fathead

1 year for insulting the Supreme Leader and 14 for revealing a state secret

North Korea will send man to Sun in 10 years

Kim Jong-un announced in a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!

A reporter said - "But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on the sun?"

There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react.

Then Kim Jong-un quietly answer...

How did Kim Kardashian tell her kid about her upcoming divorce with Kanye?

North, things between West and I have gone South.

My uncle bought a piano from Nigeria.

So he brings it home and hires a guy to come tune it. The piano tuner struggles with it and after five minutes says, “Lemme guess... West African piano?”

“Yeah, how did you know?” my uncle responds.

“Well, West African pianos are notoriously hard to tune,” he says, “not like North Afri...

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