I filed a police report about my missing bag yesterday and a few hours later, the cops called to say that they found it.

It was a brief case.

A mathematician came home and told his wife, “sorry honey, but I’m leaving you for my 18 year old assistant. I’ll be home in a few hours and I’d like for you to be gone.”

He got back home and found a note that read,” hi honey, I’ve left and decided to run off with the 18 year old pool boy. We are both 54 years old, and I think you’ll figure out as a mathematician that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I haven't had sex since 1956

A woman asked an Army General when the last
time he had made love to a woman. The general
replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief
said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let
me make your night better." The woman and
general went back to her apartment and made
passionate lov...

What did the monster say when he saw a full train during rush hour?

"Oh good! A chew, chew train!"

Credit to the attendant at Balaclava Train Station in Melbourne.

"Have a train-tastic Thursday night!"

A heartless drill instructor screamed at his platoon for over an hour.

He got in the face of a private and yelled, “I bet when I die you’ll show up at my grave and spit on it!”

“Not me,” the private said. “After I get out of the army I’m never standing in a line again.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A redneck and an annoying stranger are sitting next to each other on a 12 hour plane ride...

The stranger is pretty well dressed and, after a few drinks becomes very loud and disruptive. He starts boasting that hes the smartest man on the plane. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get people to engage with him, a stewardess tells the stranger he needs to be quiet and stop distur...

A cowboy strolls into town on his horse fireball and goes straight to the saloon. He drinks straight whiskey for a few hours, never moving except to take another drink. When he's done he gets up and walks out of the saloon.

He immediately runs back in and yells, "Alright! Who took fireball?" But nobody makes a noise.


He continues, "Okay, I'm gonna give y'all to the count of three then we're gonna have a repeat of what happened back in '71."


"ONE!" He pauses and nobody moves a muscle.

...

There’s a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour.

Soon, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand seeing a man crying.”

“N...

I've got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He's going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.

Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes.

Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes.

Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I lost my watch at a party once.

An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.

My brother told me a trick on how to get a six pack in an hour.

You have to go to the liquor store

Ancient Egyptians invented the 24 hour clock.

They didn't know what to call it, so they just called it a day.

In the darkest hours of World War II, a British Commando unit was waiting to go behind enemy lines into Norway

During the planning of the mission, it was decided that their rifles would need protective covers against the extreme cold of Norway. The contract to manufacture the covers was given to a pharmaceutical company that also manufactured condoms.

Before the Commandos deployed, Winston Churchill p...

After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?"

God said,

"I think I'm going to call it a day."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man owned a small ranch in Montana,

One day the labor department got a tip he wasn’t paying proper wages to his employees so they sent an investigator to find out what’s going on.

“Please tell me how many employees you have and how much you pay them”, the investigator asked the rancher.

The rancher replied, “my ranch ...

Wish me luck in the London Marathon today. I managed a respectable, 3 hours, 12 minutes, last year...

This year, I will try to beat that but, I usually get bored and end up turning over to watch something else...

The average man walks 5 miles a hour, the corner store is 1 mile away

Explain why it took my dad 15 years to come back

A man was staggering home drunk in the early hours of the morning when he was stopped by a police officer.

“What are you doing out at this time of night?” asked the officer.


“I’m going to a lecture,” said the drunk.


“And who’s going to be giving a lecture at this hour?”


“My wife.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.

3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.
The strongest one started 1st, "watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "did you see tha...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy and his friend are sitting on a sofa having a few beers. Guy #1 - “What would you do if we found out an asteroid was going to hit the earth in one hour?”

Guy #2 - “I would fuck the first thing that moved. What would you do?”

Guy #1 - “I’d sit very fucking still for the next hour!”

A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast

**A young man with a few hours** to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried this will slow him up, the youn...

An officer pulls over a man and a woman for driving their late-model Mercedes coupe 20 miles per hour over the posted speed limit.

The officer approaches the car, seeing an affluent-looking late-50s gentleman behind the wheel and a striking woman at least 20 years younger—and bearing a diamond on her left ring finger worth at least a year of the officer's salary—in the passenger seat.

"I stopped you because you were goin...

I was chatting with a South African girl for over an hour.

We just clicked.

I spent half an hour trying to take off my girlfriends bra. I gave up in the end.

I wish I never tried it on in the first place.

I've been reading this sub for a couple of hours, and I'm fed up.

With the amount of reposts on here, I feel like I've already Reddit all.

I thought someone stole my car keys, I looked for hours and was convince someone had grabbed them, later on I felt so stupid because I left them on top of my car

Turns out I lost them on my own accord

I just spent a hours waxing my car

I’m still not quite sure how it gets so hairy.

Scientists got bored of watching the earth spin so after 24 hours

They called it a day

Give a man a match and he'll be warm for a few hours.

Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

You should try my new thing, it’s hard to start doing but once you do it its hard to stop. I sometimes do it for twelve hours straight.

I call it sleep

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend is addicted to visiting Vegas and watching craps in a casino for hours.

Then one day, security dragged him out of the bathroom

The boss to the employees: "You came two hours late to work, do you have an explanation for it?"

"Yes, I become a mother."

"Congratulations, when's the baby due?"

"In 9 months."

The only thing that brings joy to me anymore is when I need to get up early and if I wake up in the night and check my phone and it's still 6 hours left to sleep.

Or not needing to get up early at all, now that I think about it.

A hunt for a missing 6-year old boy ended after 10 hours when the child was found sleeping in the trunk of his uncle's car.

It was a kidnapping.

What did soviet Russians call an 8-hour bread line?

Fast food

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Job Interview

A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

Th...

A fisherman took his boat far out to sea. He hooked a huge fish, and fought it for hours.

Unfortunately, as he wasn’t strapped into his seat, he was yanked overboard, and began to drown. Suddenly, he was rescued and brought back to his boat by a pair of dolphins. Without thinking, the fisherman thanked them.
They replied, “You’re welcome!” Aghast, the fisherman said, “You can talk! Th...

My local Baker says he can bake 20 loaves of bread in one hour with one small oven...

I said prove it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I had sex for 3 hours last night...

We roleplayed as doctor and patient, and I was in the waiting room for 2 hours and 58 minutes.

If you lock up your girlfriend and dog in the trunk of a car for an hour...

which one is gonna be happy to see you when you open it up?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Viagra warns you too go see a doctor if you’ve had an erection for more than four hours.

After four hours, the last person I want to see is a doctor.

-my favorite joke my grandfather has ever told me.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Once upon a time there lived a ravishing Queen with huge tits..

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague,Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.Horatio thought about...

I finally got 8 hours of sleep.

It only took me 4 days.

The “Avengers: Endgame” trailer had 289 million views in 24 hours.

It would have been 578 million views, but...

There once was a farmer who loves tractors. He would go into this shop and stare at this beautiful bright red tractor for hours on end.

The manager would come up to him and say “sorry we’re closing” and the farmer would ask for just 10 more minutes to stare at the tractor. The manager would allow it and keep the shop open a little longer to accommodate his obsession.

The next day, the farmer walks in and stares in awe at the ...

I've just searched for half an hour to see if the joke I was going to post was a repost

It wasn't, so I'm going to have to think of another one.

6 hours after a major bank robbery took place this morning, the bank have finally released their statement.

Withdrawn: £7 000 000.00

Balance: £0.00

What does a vampire drink for happy hour?

B-Positive

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Pilot says to the passengers, one engine has failed but don't worry this plane has four engines it will only add 20 minutes to the flight, then a second and third engine fail, Pilot says it's OK this plane can run on one engine and only adds 2 hours to the flight. Paddy says.

Fucking heck if the other engine fails, we could be up here forever.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

(At court) Me: Your honor, between the hours of 10 pm and 11 pm, I was having sex.

Judge: Who the hell are you? You are not even in this trial.

Me: I know. I just want it on the record.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I got turned down from my job interview for coming half an hour early

The porn industry can go fuck themselves for all I care.

I spent two hours looking for my axe.

And then it hit me.

I spent 2 hours gathering herbs but ended up throwing them out.

It was a waste of thyme.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you know semen leaves the body at almost thirty miles per hour?

This means it's illegal to ejaculate in a school zone.

I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.

Did you hear about the stoner who had a stash that never went stale or moldy? He used to spend hours stoned just staring at it...

I guess it's true what they say, a watched pot never spoils.

A yoga instructor ends every class with a mediation, allowing people lay down and relax before slowly filing out for the night. A half hour passes and the instructor is surprised to see one man remain in her studio.

Annoyed, she walks over to him and asks if he plans on leaving anytime soon .
The man takes a deep, meditative breath and calmly replies, “Nah, Imma stay”.

Have you heard about the hooker who charges only $1 an hour?

Her clients all say it is a great bang for your buck!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sam had been at the pub for hours

As it's now 4am he decided it was time to go home to his wife who he prayed was sleeping else he'd get in shit for being at the pub so late.
So Sam went to stand up but fell over! Thinking to himself "my lord I'm drunk" he tried to stand up again but once again his legs gave out, he thought "scre...

What did the man who won a contest where he sat still for 72 hours get?

Atrophy

I want to start running twenty four-hour gyms

And they’ll all be open 11-3 daily

I met a North African girl the other night, we spoke for hours.

We just clicked.

Today I ran out of battery on my phone and I had to spend a few hours with my family.

They seem like nice people.

Everyone talks about how good James Franco was in 127 hours..

But no one ever gives any credit to The Rock.

Doctor: I've got bad news and worse news. The bad news is that you got 24 hours to live.

The worse news is that I forgot tell you yesterday.

Paddy goes for a job, boss man says it is £10.00 per hour rising to £15.00 per hour after 6 months, when can you start? Paddy says.

In 6 months.

A guy wins the lottery. So he decides to live his life like rich people. What does rich people do ? They play golf, so he goes to a country club to play golf.

He didn’t know anything about golf. Didn’t bring a caddie . After an hour of struggling/playing, he gets lost. Didn’t see anyone until finally he sees a girl and asks her..
“ Sorry, to bother you, but I dont know where I am, could you tell me ?”.... “Sure, you are in the 5th hole, Im in the 6t...

My mother always complains about hitting traffic during rush hour.

I just think she needs to be a better driver.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

William Shakespeare once said "Better Three Hours Too Soon Than a Minute Too Late"

My wife disagrees.

It's really put a strain on our sex life.

I spent a few hours by my wife's grave today

She thinks I'm digging a pond

I phoned my daughter, "Where are you? You should have been here an hour ago for our family dinner."

She said, "I'm with my boyfriend getting ready. We're almost finished."

"Thank goodness, I never liked him anyway."

I made a custom mold by pouring silicone over a crucifix. 24 hours and one epoxy pour later...

and Christ is resin.

A student comes to a young professor's office hours...

She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "I would do... anything."

He returns her gaze. "Anything?"

"Anything."...

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.

"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"

"Wrong number," replied the girl.

A man answered an ad that read "Hiring welders $18-$24 per hour"

When he arrived he was told he'd have to take a welding test. He turned in 2 sets of welds. One was a great weld, the other was a mess. When the boss asked him why he did this he replied "One is $18/hr, the other is $24/hr".


[Source (Not OP, I don't think)](https://www.facebook.com/groups...

I decided to leave work an hour early today.

The flight attendants started freaking out when I grabbed my parachute though.

My grandpa said he was going to take the dog out for a walk. He returned an hour later with nothing but the dog lead.

As tears streamed down his face, he said, "I just... don't know where the little guy went."

"I see your dementia hasn't improved," I sighed. "You left him here on the sofa."

What's green and red and goes a hundred miles an hour?

A frog in a blender.

What happens when you add milk?

Frog nog.

Two cowboys ride up on an Indian that's lying on his belly with his ear to the ground.

The older cowboy turns to the younger ine and says, "You see that? Just by putting his ear to the ground he can hear what's coming from miles off."

The Indian lifts his head and says, "A full wagon, drawn by a single horse, two passengers and a dog."

The Indian puts his head back down ...

I went on a job interview for a security guard. After spending 12 hours in the waiting room...

...they hired me.

Theresa May or Theresa May not be a Prime Minister in a couple of hours

I'll leave now

I am meeting with a private detective in one hour.

Can someone please tell me where Cognito is?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex, so naturally, she agrees and they make love...

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has o...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Viagra says to seek help for an erection lasting more than 4 hours

Well what do I do if my erection lasts from 2018 to 2019?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was having an argument with a big fat ugly twat the other day and everything I said he repeated, this went on for over an hour, then I realised I was looking at a mirror.

On reflection, I suppose he was right.

A friend of mine was looking for a job for months. He got hired by a clock making factory for 2$ an hour.

I asked him why he accepted the offer for so little pay.

He replied "It's not about the money."

"It's about damn time."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My Premature Ejaculators Anonymous meeting is scheduled to last a hour, but

We tend to finish early.

They say it takes 10,000 hours to truly master anything*

*Getting 8 hours of sleep not included

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I decided to name my dick "The sixtieth of an hour"

for obvious reasons.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A blonde lady motorist was two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken
to the San Diego Zoo...