Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says ... "I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"

The friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees. After mass,

Bob starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks him what he's really up to.

Bob feeling guilty, finally confesses to th...

I sat next to baby on a ten hour flight. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to cry for ten hours straight.

Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.

I spent hours trying to find what the opposite of “night” was.

But, in the end, I just had to call it a day.

Spent an hour at the wife’s grave tonight.

Bless her, she still thinks I’m digging a pond.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A redneck and an annoying stranger are sitting next to each other on a 12 hour plane ride...

The stranger is pretty well dressed and, after a few drinks becomes very loud and disruptive. He starts boasting that hes the smartest man on the plane. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get people to engage with him, a stewardess tells the stranger he needs to be quiet and stop distur...

Scientists got bored of watching the earth spin for 24 hours.

So they called it a day.

Spent a few hours on the wife's grave today

1. It cheers me up and; 2. She still thinks I'm digging a pond.





\[Note: Not my joke, but made me chuckle\]

A couple of hours after Trump approved "offensive" cyber strikes against Iran's missile systems, he is heard shouting at his generals

Trump : WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE ARE NOT SENDING THE TROOPS????

General : But..But… sir, this is an attack via cyber space..

Trump : DO YOU THINK I AM THAT STUPID?? WHAT'S THE SPACE FORCE FOR THEN???

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man applies to a government job, and he gets told this:

The interviewer asked him if he was allergic to anything.

He replies " Yes caffeine, I can't drink coffee,"

"OK," the interviewer says " Have you been in the military?"

The man answers " Yes I was in Iraq for two years."

The interviewer says " OK that will give you 5 po...

My phones been on 1% for the last 2 hours

I dont know when its going t

How many hours did it take Pewdiepie to find his dog in the underwater cave?

Sven.

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she'd been stood up.

Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV. 

No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her doorbell rang. 

There stood her date. 

He took one look at her and said "I'm two ho...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy tells hours wife he's going out for cigarettes...

He gets his smokes and waiting to pay when the woman in front of him turns and says, "I just broke up with my boyfriend...I could use some company..."
The dude mulls it over and decides to go home with her. They have sex and he falls asleep... At 3AM, he wakes in a panic knowing his wife is going...

A mathematician came home and told his wife, “sorry honey, but I’m leaving you for my 18 year old assistant. I’ll be home in a few hours and I’d like for you to be gone.”

He got back home and found a note that read,” hi honey, I’ve left and decided to run off with the 18 year old pool boy. We are both 54 years old, and I think you’ll figure out as a mathematician that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.”

My colleague offered to help me filter adult contents from more than a thousand hours of video.

Nah, thanks. I'm gonna do it single handedly

Whats the best part of killing a hooker?

The second hour is free.

Ive had water stuck in my organ of hearing for the past hour...

It's very earitating.

I filed a police report about my missing bag yesterday and a few hours later, the cops called to say that they found it.

It was a brief case.

How do you keep an idiot intrigued for 24 hours?

I'll tell you tomorrow.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s as big as a house, burns 20 liters of fuel every hour, puts out a shit-load of smoke and noise, and cuts an apple into three pieces?

A Soviet machine made to cut apples into four pieces.



Joke you've probably already heard in the amazing TV Show Chernobyl

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My GF has been at the Baby Shower for like 3 hours now.

That baby's gotta so fucking clean by now. What are they even doing?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at the party....

Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.

Doctor tells me I've got bad news and I've got worse news. The bad news you have 24 hours to live.

The worse news is I forgot to tell you yesterday.

A heartless drill instructor screamed at his platoon for over an hour.

He got in the face of a private and yelled, “I bet when I die you’ll show up at my grave and spit on it!”

“Not me,” the private said. “After I get out of the army I’m never standing in a line again.”

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I haven't had sex since 1956

A woman asked an Army General when the last
time he had made love to a woman. The general
replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief
said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let
me make your night better." The woman and
general went back to her apartment and made
passionate lov...

- Boss, I need to leave 2 hours earlier, my wife wants me to go shopping with her.

- No way, go back to work.
- Thank you boss, I knew you wouldn’t let me down.

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force pl...

I've got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He's going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.

Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes.

Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes.

Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days

One spent hours in the parlor attempting to construct a humorous witticism to make light of one's impotence.

But sadly one never came.

Mr beast spent 24 hours in prison as a challenge

Not sure why he made a big deal out of this since my dad has been doing it for 17 years and hasn’t done anything about it.

I spent hours last night throwing out all my herbs.

It was such a waste of thyme.

Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?

Because it said 'concentrate'.

What did the monster say when he saw a full train during rush hour?

"Oh good! A chew, chew train!"

Credit to the attendant at Balaclava Train Station in Melbourne.

"Have a train-tastic Thursday night!"

Studies show the average worker is productive for 2 hours in an 8 hour work day...

...I totally disagree, because it’s hard work trying to not get caught doing nothing by your boss.

After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?"

God said,

"I think I'm going to call it a day."

A man was in the hospital carrying his one hour old child

A man was in the hospital carrying his one hour old baby boy, when he saw another dad carrying a baby as well. Curious, he walked up and asked about the baby, finding out that the baby girl had been born just 30 minutes ago. "Well imagine if they got married", the man said jokingly to the other.
...

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Sometimes I sit and laugh in the toilet for hours...

Just for the shits and giggles.

A cowboy strolls into town on his horse fireball and goes straight to the saloon. He drinks straight whiskey for a few hours, never moving except to take another drink. When he's done he gets up and walks out of the saloon.

He immediately runs back in and yells, "Alright! Who took fireball?" But nobody makes a noise.


He continues, "Okay, I'm gonna give y'all to the count of three then we're gonna have a repeat of what happened back in '71."


"ONE!" He pauses and nobody moves a muscle.

...

There’s a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour.

Soon, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand seeing a man crying.”

“N...

I finally found someone who really care about me and can spend some hours to listen me and try to make me feel better

It’s my doctor

In the darkest hours of World War II, a British Commando unit was waiting to go behind enemy lines into Norway

During the planning of the mission, it was decided that their rifles would need protective covers against the extreme cold of Norway. The contract to manufacture the covers was given to a pharmaceutical company that also manufactured condoms.

Before the Commandos deployed, Winston Churchill p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.

3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.
The strongest one started 1st, "watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "did you see tha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy gets off a long 12 hour shift at the mill

as he walks out to the parking lot to get in his beat up old pickup, he sees a high end sports car pull up with the exhaust crackling. It’s his boss inside. “nice car boss” he says. Boss says “ yeah it is and If you come to work every day, work hard and bust your ass I’ll be able to afford another o...

Today I had two 3 hour exams with a three hour break in between.

My teacher told me not to sleep during the break. However he didn't say what I could do during the exams.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man owned a small ranch in Montana,

One day the labor department got a tip he wasn’t paying proper wages to his employees so they sent an investigator to find out what’s going on.

“Please tell me how many employees you have and how much you pay them”, the investigator asked the rancher.

The rancher replied, “my ranch ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy and his friend are sitting on a sofa having a few beers. Guy #1 - “What would you do if we found out an asteroid was going to hit the earth in one hour?”

Guy #2 - “I would fuck the first thing that moved. What would you do?”

Guy #1 - “I’d sit very fucking still for the next hour!”

A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast

**A young man with a few hours** to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried this will slow him up, the youn...

The average man walks 5 miles a hour, the corner store is 1 mile away

Explain why it took my dad 15 years to come back

My brother told me a trick on how to get a six pack in an hour.

You have to go to the liquor store

A man was staggering home drunk in the early hours of the morning when he was stopped by a police officer.

“What are you doing out at this time of night?” asked the officer.


“I’m going to a lecture,” said the drunk.


“And who’s going to be giving a lecture at this hour?”


“My wife.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had sex for 3 hours last night...

We roleplayed as doctor and patient, and I was in the waiting room for 2 hours and 58 minutes.

I was chatting with a South African girl for over an hour.

We just clicked.

Wish me luck in the London Marathon today. I managed a respectable, 3 hours, 12 minutes, last year...

This year, I will try to beat that but, I usually get bored and end up turning over to watch something else...

If you lock up your girlfriend and dog in the trunk of a car for an hour...

which one is gonna be happy to see you when you open it up?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once upon a time there lived a ravishing Queen with huge tits..

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague,Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.Horatio thought about...

I spent half an hour trying to take off my girlfriends bra. I gave up in the end.

I wish I never tried it on in the first place.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got turned down from my job interview for coming half an hour early

The porn industry can go fuck themselves for all I care.

I thought someone stole my car keys, I looked for hours and was convince someone had grabbed them, later on I felt so stupid because I left them on top of my car

Turns out I lost them on my own accord

I've been reading this sub for a couple of hours, and I'm fed up.

With the amount of reposts on here, I feel like I've already Reddit all.

A fisherman took his boat far out to sea. He hooked a huge fish, and fought it for hours.

Unfortunately, as he wasn’t strapped into his seat, he was yanked overboard, and began to drown. Suddenly, he was rescued and brought back to his boat by a pair of dolphins. Without thinking, the fisherman thanked them.
They replied, “You’re welcome!” Aghast, the fisherman said, “You can talk! Th...

The boss to the employees: "You came two hours late to work, do you have an explanation for it?"

"Yes, I become a mother."

"Congratulations, when's the baby due?"

"In 9 months."

An officer pulls over a man and a woman for driving their late-model Mercedes coupe 20 miles per hour over the posted speed limit.

The officer approaches the car, seeing an affluent-looking late-50s gentleman behind the wheel and a striking woman at least 20 years younger—and bearing a diamond on her left ring finger worth at least a year of the officer's salary—in the passenger seat.

"I stopped you because you were goin...

Give a man a match and he'll be warm for a few hours.

Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

What did soviet Russians call an 8-hour bread line?

Fast food

The “Avengers: Endgame” trailer had 289 million views in 24 hours.

It would have been 578 million views, but...

I finally got 8 hours of sleep.

It only took me 4 days.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(At court) Me: Your honor, between the hours of 10 pm and 11 pm, I was having sex.

Judge: Who the hell are you? You are not even in this trial.

Me: I know. I just want it on the record.

You should try my new thing, it’s hard to start doing but once you do it its hard to stop. I sometimes do it for twelve hours straight.

I call it sleep

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend is addicted to visiting Vegas and watching craps in a casino for hours.

Then one day, security dragged him out of the bathroom

I met a North African girl the other night, we spoke for hours.

We just clicked.

I just spent a hours waxing my car

I’m still not quite sure how it gets so hairy.

I've just searched for half an hour to see if the joke I was going to post was a repost

It wasn't, so I'm going to have to think of another one.

There once was a farmer who loves tractors. He would go into this shop and stare at this beautiful bright red tractor for hours on end.

The manager would come up to him and say “sorry we’re closing” and the farmer would ask for just 10 more minutes to stare at the tractor. The manager would allow it and keep the shop open a little longer to accommodate his obsession.

The next day, the farmer walks in and stares in awe at the ...

A hunt for a missing 6-year old boy ended after 10 hours when the child was found sleeping in the trunk of his uncle's car.

It was a kidnapping.

I spent two hours looking for my axe.

And then it hit me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Viagra warns you too go see a doctor if you’ve had an erection for more than four hours.

After four hours, the last person I want to see is a doctor.

-my favorite joke my grandfather has ever told me.

6 hours after a major bank robbery took place this morning, the bank have finally released their statement.

Withdrawn: £7 000 000.00

Balance: £0.00

The only thing that brings joy to me anymore is when I need to get up early and if I wake up in the night and check my phone and it's still 6 hours left to sleep.

Or not needing to get up early at all, now that I think about it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know semen leaves the body at almost thirty miles per hour?

This means it's illegal to ejaculate in a school zone.

I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pilot says to the passengers, one engine has failed but don't worry this plane has four engines it will only add 20 minutes to the flight, then a second and third engine fail, Pilot says it's OK this plane can run on one engine and only adds 2 hours to the flight. Paddy says.

Fucking heck if the other engine fails, we could be up here forever.

My local Baker says he can bake 20 loaves of bread in one hour with one small oven...

I said prove it.

What does a vampire drink for happy hour?

B-Positive

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] How fast can a woman fuck?

Only 68 miles per hour. At 69, she flips over and blows a rod

A man answered an ad that read "Hiring welders $18-$24 per hour"

When he arrived he was told he'd have to take a welding test. He turned in 2 sets of welds. One was a great weld, the other was a mess. When the boss asked him why he did this he replied "One is $18/hr, the other is $24/hr".


[Source (Not OP, I don't think)](https://www.facebook.com/groups...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sam had been at the pub for hours

As it's now 4am he decided it was time to go home to his wife who he prayed was sleeping else he'd get in shit for being at the pub so late.
So Sam went to stand up but fell over! Thinking to himself "my lord I'm drunk" he tried to stand up again but once again his legs gave out, he thought "scre...

My girlfriend told me this joke ten years ago. We've been married nine years today.

A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to i...

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