UPJOKE
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What did the chef say when he cooked up moose meat instead of beef?

"Oh no! I've made a huge MooseSteak!"

You guys, I just drew a really cool creature - it's half moose, half elf

Sorry to boast, I'm just feeling pretty proud of moose-elf.

Three blondes are walking through the forest when they come across a set of tracks.

The first blonde says, "Hey, look at that, deer tracks!"

The second blonde chimes in and responds, "No, Becky, those are moose tracks!"

The third blonde steps in and says, "You two are both wrong, those are obviously elk tracks!"

The three blondes kept arguing about what animal ...

The bear the moose and the wolf.

A bear, a wolf, and a moose fall into a trapping pit
After a couple days with no food, the moose sees the wolf and bear whispering to each other.

The wolf turns to the moose and says "Look, the bear and I are both carnivores. It's been a couple days without food. You understand, right?"...

What's the difference between a cow and a moose?

One moos, the other moose.

Two Irish hunters from Belfast hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only three moose.

The two Irishmen objected strongly, stating; "Last year we shot six moose and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours."
<...

I told my niece that I saw a moose on the way to work this morning

She said, “How do you know he was on his way to work?”

A zookeeper wishes to buy some new animals from another wildlife park.

She writes:

Dear sir, We are a recently opened zoo and are looking to purchase 2 mooses. "No that doesn't sound right." She thinks.

We are looking to purchase 2 meese. "No that can't be right either."

Dear sir, I wish to inquire about purchasing a moose. Kind Regards.

P.S...

In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than a terrorist attack.

Those damn moose limbs.

What do you get when you try to crossbreed a human and a moose?

Arrested apparently

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Two guys go moose hunting.....

A bush-pilot drops Bob and Ted, two moose hunters, at a remote lake in Northern Ontario. He tells them that he’ll be back in a week, and warns them that his plane won’t be able to take off with more than one moose.

The next week he returns, and sure enough the hunters have bagged two moose. ...

A pair of hunters went moose hunting and chartered a small plane to carry them.

At the end of the day, they had bagged six moose and were abou to load them in the plane.

The pilot disagreed with them, saying the plane could only take four safely.

The hunters argued, saying that last year, the pilot had allowed them to carry all six onboard on the same plane.
...

What do you call a moose with no name?

Anonymoose

Roy and Ernest went moose hunting every winter without success.

Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.



They set themselves up on the edge of a clear...

a Scottish man walks into a bar in canada

He noticed there is an animal's head hanging on the wall and asked the bartender what is it

"A moose" replied the bartender

"Jesus christ! How big are the cats here?" Said the scot

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This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall...

He asks the bartender, "What the fuck is that?"

The bartender replies, "It's a moose."

The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

A husband calls the Sheriff's office to report his wife missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

Sheriff: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sheriff: Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sheriff: Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort ...

What do you call a cross between a hippopotamus and something that is not a moose?

A hipponotamoose.

I hope I see some moose in Canada

My hair is a mess.

Some Mexicans were hunting moose in Canada for the first time and their first day out they shot a giant beautiful one with huge antlers.

They each grabbed a side of the antlers and started dragging it back to their truck snagging and catching small trees and bushes and making little progress. A Canadian saw them doing this and told them it would be easier if they dragged the moose by it's feet.

They took his advice and the an...

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Woody Allen's Moose hunting joke

I shot a moose once. I was hunting upstate New York, and I shot a moose. And I strapped him onto the fender of my car. And I'm driving home along the West Side Highway, but what I didn't realize was that the bullet did not penetrate the moose. It just creased the scalp knocking him unconscious. And ...

What do you call a moose with two legs shorter than the others?

Mussolini

I Once Shot a Moose in My Pajamas

How it got into them, I'll never know.

God created Canada.

On the 6th day God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains,beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-l...

There were 3 blondes walking on a trail...

The first blonde said "Those look like deer tracks!"

The second blonde said "No those are totally moose tracks... "

The third blonde said "Nope, they are goat tracks!"

Then a train hit them

Up in the great white north, a man and his best friend, a moose, walk into a bar

As the night goes on, they get drunk, and eventually the moose passes out. The man pays his tab and decides that, since there is no way he can move the moose, he’ll just go home and meet up with his friend tomorrow.

As he's leaving, the barkeep yells out "Hey! You can’t leave that lyin' here....

I was hit by a moose driving my motorcycle yesterday.

How he managed to drive it is a mystery to me.

What do you call a play about a moose on a bicycle?

A Moosical

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A Scotsman went skiing in Canada for the first time.

At the end of a great day on the slopes, he retired to the local tavern. After getting six whiskeys in him he stood up and turned around to discover a large, stuffed animal head with giant antlers hanging from the wall.

"Barkeep," he said, "what the hell is that?"

The bartender said, "...

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Did you hear about the moose who escaped a Mexican zoo and ran all the way to Virginia?

He's now a VA-moose.

3 blondes were walking on a path

They came across a set of tracks and were debating about what animal they were from.

Blonde 1: These are definitely deer tracks.

Blonde 2: They are not. These are clearly elk tracks.

Blonde 3: Both of you are blind. These are obviously moose tracks.

That’s when the train ...

In the UK we call them lifts but in the US they call them elevators

Because we’re raised differently.

(Moose Allain)

ENGLISH IS A FUNNY LANGUAGE

Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant not ham in hamburger; neither apple or pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English fo...

Scotsman on holiday: what's yon beast over there?

Canadian: That's a moose!

Scotsman: Och, If that's a moose, how big are your cats?

I tried getting on a plane with a dead moose once.

The attendant said I had to check it as luggage. I said, no it’s carrion.

Swedish Moose Joke Translated by Google

PS: Read with strong Scandinavian accent for best effect.

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There were two moose who were flying. Then it said one:

"You have a bun in your eye!"

"What?" Answered the other.

"You have a bun in the eye!"

"What?"

"You have a bun in your eye."...

Two Newfies are moose hunting...

When they stop for a bite to eat. One newfie opens up a thermos and begins to pour out some soup.

"Whaddya got there George by?"

"Oh dis is me Thermos Steve by, keeps me hot stuff hot and me cold stuff cold! You should get one fer yerself by."

So the next day they are in the woo...

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Two guys go on a Moose Hunt

They are out in the woods on the first day of the hunt and see a big mature bull moose, after attempting some moose calls for what seemed like forever they eventually went back to camp feeling a little down. So the next day they go back out and try to find this bull moose. After walking around the w...

A Scottish man visits Canada for the first time

He goes for a hike and sees a moose. He asks the park ranger,
“Oi! What animal is that then?”
“That’s a moose,” the ranger replied.
“A moose!” exclaimed the Scotsman, “If that there’s a moose, dear laddie, ye must have rats the size of elephants then!”

A few years ago my wife asked me if I'd seen the news story about a Moose walking into a lobby in Alaska. It sounded so much the first line of a joke that I figured I had to come up with something...

A moose walks into a hotel lobby in Alaska and starts eating the plants.

The hotel manager comes over and says, "Juneau, it's illegal to eat the foliage, don't you?"

The Moose looks at him calmly, still chewing, and says, "Nome, Nome, Nome."

What's the difference between a northern Maine woman and a moose?

'bout 50 pounds and a flannel shirt

Two men want to go moose hunting in Northern Canada...

They find a guide who tells them he'll fly a plane for them, but they are only allowed to shoot one moose because the small plane cannot hold more than one. He explains that last year two hunters convinced the pilot to carry two moose and the plane went down, killing the pilot and seriously injurin...

What do you call a a moose who can't stop drinking?

An elkoholic

A Scotsman goes to visit his Canadian cousin

They're out walking in the wilderness, when suddenly this huge moose walks past them. The Scotsman, having never seen one before, is astounded.

"What the bloody hell was that?" he asks.

"Oh, that?" the Canadian replies. "That's just one of our Canadian moose."

"Good God," the Sc...

Did you hear about the moose who wanted to lose weight?

He went on a diet and now he's a Muslim

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Dapple's Car Accident

Once upon a frosty Canadian winter, there lived a man named Dapple. Dapple was a proud Canuck, born and raised in the heart of the Great White North. He loved the snow, the maple syrup, and of course, ice hockey. But one fateful day, his life took an unexpected turn.


Dapple was driving ...

A Scottish guy goes on holiday in Canada

He befriends a local at the bar. As they are stumbling home he sees a gigantic animal across the road. "Whats that?" he slurs.

"Oh that's just a moose."

"Och! If that's a moose, how big are your rats?!"

What do you call a group of Canadian cows?

Moose.

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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are trapped in the woods. Finally, the trio realize they are lost and decide to hunker down and make camp. They're hungry and decide to hunt.

The brunette goes first and comes back with a rabbit. The blonde and redhead are impressed.

"How'd you do that?" they ask.

"Simple," replies the brunette. "Found tracks, followed tracks, got a rabbit."

It's the redhead's turn next, and she ventures out and comes back with a moos...

2 guys go moose hunting for the 1st time

They stop at a gun shop to get all the gear they will need. The clerk helping them out decided to have a little fun with the newbies.


CLERK: Best way to hunt a moose is in one of these female moose costumes. You both get in it, make a moose mating call, when the male moose shows up just...

A blonde, a brunette and a red head go hunting....

A blonde, a brunette and a red head go hunting....

The first day, they set up camp and the brunette goes out on her own. Later that afternoon, she returns with a deer in tow! "Wow," said the blonde, "How did you find that?!"

"It's easy," said the brunette, "I just followed the tracks!"...

A cattle buyer goes on his annual hunting trip

A cattle buyer and his buddy decide to go on their annual hunting trip in the wilds of Canada. They always went pretty far out from civilization to hunt moose and had to hire a small Cessna and pilot to take them out so far. Contracting a guy, they fly out and booth shoot and kill the limit, a moose...

Hiking

Two women are hiking in the wilds, and they arrive at a chasm over a river with an old bridge. One of the women announces she needs to pee and proceeds to drop her drawers, but before she begins, she looks down and exclaims in a startled voice, "There is a canoe below me full of moose meat!"

...

You Americans may have the right to bare arms,

but here in Canada, we can own moose legs.

What's a Canadians favourite alcoholic beverage?

A mi-moose-a!

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"Involuntary Muscular Contractions"





A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions"to his first year medical students.Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.



He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, ...

A man feels burnt out by his busy city life, and decides to vacation as far away as possible from the hustle and bustle.

He finds himself in a cozy cabin just outside of a small, remote Alaskan town. For a few days he marvels at the serenity of the forest. He fishes, he hikes, he naps blissfully while listening to the trees sway. But by the middle of the week, he begins to get bored, and goes to town.

Checking...

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Two Canadians are at a bar

And they're quite bored, so they decide to play 20 questions.

The first guy thinks for a while and comes up with "moose cock".

"Alright I've got one. What's your first question?"

The second guy says,"Is it something good to eat?"

He thinks for a moment, chuckles, and sa...

Putin has admitted why he has attacked Ukraine...

He heard Moose and Squirrel are hiding there.

Only Canadians

two Newfies are discussing a stranger. "Ya think e comes from away then?" "Course! no one from the island rides a moose like that side saddle!"

Why did the Chinese government confiscate all deer legs?

Mistook them for moose limbs.

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You know that thing in middle school we all used to do, where you got a mechanical pencil and pressed into your arm to pretend it’s a needle...

Well I fucked a dead moose

What do you call a cow with antlers?

A Moose.

(Credit to my 5 year old son. He makes dad so proud!)

Queen Victoria died and went to heaven.

When she got there, she was informed that she would be reincarnated. However, she could choose which animal.

"One has always thought reindeers are majestic." She said.
So sure enough, a moment later she found herself in the form of a reindeer.

Grazing happily in the England's green ...

A Scotsman is visiting America

...and decides to go hunting. While in the woods a huge beast runs by and the Scotsman shoots, but misses. 'What was that!' yelled the Scot. 'It was a moose' replied his guide, to which the Scotsman replied: If that was a moose, I don't want to see what your rats look like!

[Credit](http://ww...

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Classic Rocky and Bullwinkle pun

On a December trip to Frostbite Falls, Minnesota, Ferdinand Feghoot was summoned to the local college, Wossamotta U. by Inspector Fenwick, the Chief of Police.

There he was confronted with an appalling scene. Bullwinkle, the town's leading citizen, had been smashed flatter than a kippered her...

Why do Canadians always have such good hair?

Because of all the moose.

What did Canadians use to communicate during the various wars they fought?

Moose Code.

Two blondes are walking through the woods....

They come across a set of tracks. The first blonde says “these are moose tracks!” The second blonde replies “those are definitely bear tracks. I’ve never even seen a moose around here.” The first blonde says “nope, those are certainly moose tracks. I just saw a moose yesterday.” So they continue to ...

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A snail saves the day

A bear, a moose, a fox, a wolf and a snail were playing cards around a table. Suddenly, the bear let out a faint roar and said:

“Guys, I’m hungry. Could someone go buy some chocolate, or whatever?”

The moose shook his head and nodded towards the fox, who irritatingly slammed his little...

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So, Mr Rabbit is going for a run through the woods. . .

. . . When he comes upon a clearing with a weasel about to light a joint in it. "Oh Mr. Weasel, that's not good. You should come running with me! It's MUCH more fun!" Said Mr. Rabbit. The weasel takes one last look at the joint, and says "Eh, screw it", throws it away, and goes running with Mr. Rabb...

A blonde a brunette and a redhead go on a hunting trip

They stay together in a cabin deep in the woods.

On the first day the brunette goes out hunting and returns back to the cabin with a buck.

The blonde and the brunette are shocked and ask, “How’d you kill a buck!??”

The brunette replied, “I saw the tracks. I followed the track...

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Two Canadians are in a boat fishing when one asks the other...Do you want to play 20 Questions?

- "Sure, I'll go first. Let me think of sometime. Ok...go".

- "Question 1, is it something delicious?"

- The other Canadian thought long and hard, "If I'm being totally honest...Yes, yes it is.

- "Is it moose cock?" asked his friend.

- "Yup"

I Saw a Hockey Game in Canada...

It was a-moose-ing.

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The reel, the ink, and the booze

There was a company that sold a great variety of fishing equipment and supplies. One of their new products was a rod to be used out at sea, with a special reel mechanism to catch larger fish. Now, there was a new employee who was in charge of printing buyers' names onto the reel by hand and with a q...

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After years of complaints, a mother finally gets sick of cooking dinner.

She makes a new family rule: whoever complains about dinner has to cook the next night. After a few rounds, dinner duty falls to the husband. But by now, everyone is sick of having to cook, so they all decide to stop complaining. Weeks go by. The dad is sick of cooking, but nobody complains about hi...

‪A restaurant accidentally served me the weirdest talking steak. ‬"I'm not beef," it confessed.

It was an honest moose steak. ‬

True story from the in-laws.

Was at the in-laws' place (okay my girlfriend's parents') and was chatting with her father as grandpa was watching a James Bond film.

Father: Well, TheCapedMoose, who's the better bond, Shaun Connery or Roger Moore?

Me: I dunno, it's kind of a toss up...

Father: No it isn't, Sh...

So we are doing blonde jokes now?

Two blondes are hiking through the woods hunting when they come across some tracks. The first says they are the largest moose tracks they have ever seen, they should follow them and get a record kill. The second disagrees, saying they are the largest bear tracks they have ever seen and they need t...

Three friends decide to go on a hiking trip...

But they get lost in the wilderness and wander around for hours.

They stumble upon some strange tracks in the forest. The first friend says,

"These are moose tracks!" The second friend says, "No, these are clearly bear tracks!"

The third friend however did not get a chance to...

A hunter and his guide were deep in the mountains when they stopped to rest.

The hunter gazed at his companion and mused, "You know, I'm a pretty big fellow. If I had a heart attack or broke a leg, how would you get me out?"


"Last year, I shot a sixteen hundred pound moose way back there and got it out all right," the guide replied.


"How'd you manage th...

Scottish man in canada

So a Scottish man with a stereotypical accent goes to canada and is riding on a train through the country. He then sees a moose out the window and starts FREAKING out. As the train crew notice his clamor, they quickly go to ask him what is wrong. He then asks, "What is that giant monster out there??...

In the year 1897 a young man named Jonathan Quimby set out for adventure from the frontier city of Seattle. He'd risked his entire life savings to make the trek to the Yukon to prospect.

He started his journey full of excitement and hope. he'd purchased his nearly 2,000lbs of gear and supplies and two fine stock horses to help him carry it.

The voyage to Skagway was difficult. The seas were rough and Jonathan spent many hours at the rail, emptying his stomach into the frigid,...

Trump and Pence go hunting.

As they're walking through the woods, they see an elk foraging on leaves.

"Hey look, an elk" says Pence.

"Fake moose" says Trump.

Two blondes

Two blondes are going on a nature walk, but only a few wrong turns and they completely lose their way. They try to find their way again, but they become even more lost. After a few hours, they begin to panic, but before long, they come across some tracks. They figure they can follow them to safety. ...

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