Up in the great white north, a man and his best friend, a moose, walk into a bar

As the night goes on, they get drunk, and eventually the moose passes out. The man pays his tab and decides that, since there is no way he can move the moose, he’ll just go home and meet up with his friend tomorrow.

As he's leaving, the barkeep yells out "Hey! You can’t leave that lyin' here....

I told my niece that I saw a moose on the way to work this morning

She said, “How do you know he was on his way to work?”

What do you call a moose wearing a mask?

Anonymoose

Some Mexicans were hunting moose in Canada for the first time and their first day out they shot a giant beautiful one with huge antlers.

They each grabbed a side of the antlers and started dragging it back to their truck snagging and catching small trees and bushes and making little progress. A Canadian saw them doing this and told them it would be easier if they dragged the moose by it's feet.

They took his advice and the an...

What do you call a cross between a hippopotamus and something that is not a moose?

A hipponotamoose.

A king goes moose hunting in the forest

He spends the entire day trudging through the snow, and as the afternoon begins to turn to evening, he hasn't seen a single animal. Then, just as the party is about to turn around, they see a peasant in the distance, gathering sticks for fuel. The king lifts his rifle and aims it at the peasant. The...

3 blondes were walking on a path

They came across a set of tracks and were debating about what animal they were from.

Blonde 1: These are definitely deer tracks.

Blonde 2: They are not. These are clearly elk tracks.

Blonde 3: Both of you are blind. These are obviously moose tracks.

That’s when the train ...

Scotsman on holiday: what's yon beast over there?

Canadian: That's a moose!

Scotsman: Och, If that's a moose, how big are your cats?

You guys, I just drew a really cool creature - it's half moose, half elf

Sorry to boast, I'm just feeling pretty proud of moose-elf.

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Moose hunting {possible repost}

A bush-pilot drops Bob and Ted, two moose hunters, at a remote lake in Northern Ontario. He tells them that he’ll be back in a week, and warns them that his plane won’t be able to take off with more than one moose.
The next week he returns, and sure enough the hunters have bagged two moose. The p...

In Canada, You're More Likely to Die from a Moose than a Terrorist Attack

Those damn moose limbs...

What do you call a fascist Canadian wildlife?

Moose-olini

I came up with this in like 15 seconds

Found track, followed track....

A blonde, red head, and brunette went hunting one day. They all got to the edge of the woods and the red head went in alone and came back with a deer. They were all shocked.

They asked, “How did you get it?!?!”

She said “Found tracks. Followed tracks. Shot deer. Deer died”

So t...

What is a hunter's favorite ice cream flavor?

Moose tracks

Moose hunters never learn . . .

Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.

They managed to bag 6.  As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last ...

A man feels burnt out by his busy city life, and decides to vacation as far away as possible from the hustle and bustle.

He finds himself in a cozy cabin just outside of a small, remote Alaskan town. For a few days he marvels at the serenity of the forest. He fishes, he hikes, he naps blissfully while listening to the trees sway. But by the middle of the week, he begins to get bored, and goes to town.

Checking...

True story from the in-laws.

Was at the in-laws' place (okay my girlfriend's parents') and was chatting with her father as grandpa was watching a James Bond film.

Father: Well, TheCapedMoose, who's the better bond, Shaun Connery or Roger Moore?

Me: I dunno, it's kind of a toss up...

Father: No it isn't, Sh...

What's a Canadians favourite alcoholic beverage?

A mi-moose-a!

My canadian friend has a three legged moose for a pet

He calls him Mussolini.

Why did the Chinese government confiscate all deer legs?

Mistook them for moose limbs.

3 blondes walking down a dirt road when they happen upon a set of tracks.

First blonde says, “I recognize these. They’re deer tracks.

Second says, “no you are wrong. They are moose tracks”

The third one then chimes in, “you both are wrong, they are clearly elk tracks!”

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are trapped in the woods.

Finally, the trio realize they are lost and decide to hunker down and make camp. They're hungry and decide to hunt.

The brunette goes first and comes back with a rabbit. The blonde and redhead are impressed.

"How'd you do that?" they ask.

"Simple," replies the brunette. "Found t...

A zookeeper wishes to buy some new animals from another wildlife park.

She writes:

Dear sir, We are a recently opened zoo and are looking to purchase 2 mooses. "No that doesn't sound right." She thinks.

We are looking to purchase 2 meese. "No that can't be right either."

Dear sir, I wish to inquire about purchasing a moose. Kind Regards.

P.S...

Have you heard about that cyber-hacking group out of Canada that is uncovering corruption around the world?

They call themselves "Anony-moose."

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This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall...

He asks the bartender, "What the fuck is that?"

The bartender replies, "It's a moose."

The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

I was hit by a moose driving my motorcycle yesterday.

How he managed to drive it is a mystery to me.

What did the chef say when he cooked up moose meat instead of beef?

"Oh no! I've made a huge MooseSteak!"

I hope I see some moose in Canada

My hair is a mess.

God creates Canada.

On the 6th day God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains,beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-l...

Why are giraffes real but unicorns aren't?

What's more believable a horse with a horn or a leopard moose camel with a 40 foot neck?

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A Scotsman went skiing in Canada for the first time.

At the end of a great day on the slopes, he retired to the local tavern. After getting six whiskeys in him he stood up and turned around to discover a large, stuffed animal head with giant antlers hanging from the wall.

"Barkeep," he said, "what the hell is that?"

The bartender said, "...

2 guys go moose hunting for the 1st time

They stop at a gun shop to get all the gear they will need. The clerk helping them out decided to have a little fun with the newbies.


CLERK: Best way to hunt a moose is in one of these female moose costumes. You both get in it, make a moose mating call, when the male moose shows up just...

So we are doing blonde jokes now?

Two blondes are hiking through the woods hunting when they come across some tracks. The first says they are the largest moose tracks they have ever seen, they should follow them and get a record kill. The second disagrees, saying they are the largest bear tracks they have ever seen and they need t...

What do you call an Italian moose on an incline

Moose-a-leani

A bear, a wolf, and a moose fall into a trapping pit

After a couple days with no food, the moose sees the wolf and bear whispering to each other.

The wolf turns to the moose and says "Look, the bear and I are both carnivores. It's been a couple days without food. You understand, right?"

The moose says "Yeah, I guess you're right. But...

Did you hear about the moose who wanted to lose weight?

He went on a diet and now he's a Muslim

Two Newfies are moose hunting...

When they stop for a bite to eat. One newfie opens up a thermos and begins to pour out some soup.

"Whaddya got there George by?"

"Oh dis is me Thermos Steve by, keeps me hot stuff hot and me cold stuff cold! You should get one fer yerself by."

So the next day they are in the woo...

What do you call a a moose who can't stop drinking?

An elkoholic

Swedish Moose Joke Translated by Google

PS: Read with strong Scandinavian accent for best effect.

 

There were two moose who were flying. Then it said one:

"You have a bun in your eye!"

"What?" Answered the other.

"You have a bun in the eye!"

"What?"

"You have a bun in your eye."...

How does a cow kill itself?

With a moose

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Two guys go on a Moose Hunt

They are out in the woods on the first day of the hunt and see a big mature bull moose, after attempting some moose calls for what seemed like forever they eventually went back to camp feeling a little down. So the next day they go back out and try to find this bull moose. After walking around the w...

Two hunters had just finished hunting moose in the middle of nowhere...

They make it back to the small airport nearby, and argue with the pilot about flying home.

"There's no way my plane is gonna make it anywhere with that huge moose in it!" says the pilot.

"We had this same argument last year with a pilot, and he flew us out of here." says one of the hun...

A Scottish man visits Canada for the first time

He goes for a hike and sees a moose. He asks the park ranger,
“Oi! What animal is that then?”
“That’s a moose,” the ranger replied.
“A moose!” exclaimed the Scotsman, “If that there’s a moose, dear laddie, ye must have rats the size of elephants then!”

What do you call a cow with antlers?

A Moose.

(Credit to my 5 year old son. He makes dad so proud!)

Two men want to go moose hunting in Northern Canada...

They find a guide who tells them he'll fly a plane for them, but they are only allowed to shoot one moose because the small plane cannot hold more than one. He explains that last year two hunters convinced the pilot to carry two moose and the plane went down, killing the pilot and seriously injurin...

I tried getting on a plane with a dead moose once.

The attendant said I had to check it as luggage. I said, no it’s carrion.

A husband calls the Sheriff's office to report his wife missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

Sheriff: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sheriff: Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sheriff: Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort ...

Got a list for y'all

1. (OC) Where do ghosts go to get their teeth worked on?

>!The Orthohauntist!!<



2. Two muffins are in the oven, one says to the other: Ya think it's getting hot in here?

the other one says: >!AHH!! A TALKING MUFFIN!!<



3. One guy says to his fri...

In the UK we call them lifts but in the US they call them elevators

Because we’re raised differently.

(Moose Allain)

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Two Canadians are at a bar

And they're quite bored, so they decide to play 20 questions.

The first guy thinks for a while and comes up with "moose cock".

"Alright I've got one. What's your first question?"

The second guy says,"Is it something good to eat?"

He thinks for a moment, chuckles, and sa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man is sitting with his grandson in his hunting cabin...

Among the walls are the mounted heads and pelts of animals he had taken down over the years.

The boy points to a sizable pair of antlers, and says "Wow Grandpa, those are *big* antlers!"

"They sure are. That deer was a majestic creature," the old man responds.

The boy then poin...

ENGLISH IS A FUNNY LANGUAGE

Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant not ham in hamburger; neither apple or pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English fo...

What did Canadians use to communicate during the various wars they fought?

Moose Code.

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Classic Rocky and Bullwinkle pun

On a December trip to Frostbite Falls, Minnesota, Ferdinand Feghoot was summoned to the local college, Wossamotta U. by Inspector Fenwick, the Chief of Police.

There he was confronted with an appalling scene. Bullwinkle, the town's leading citizen, had been smashed flatter than a kippered her...

Two blondes are walking through the woods....

They come across a set of tracks. The first blonde says “these are moose tracks!” The second blonde replies “those are definitely bear tracks. I’ve never even seen a moose around here.” The first blonde says “nope, those are certainly moose tracks. I just saw a moose yesterday.” So they continue to ...

In the year 1897 a young man named Jonathan Quimby set out for adventure from the frontier city of Seattle. He'd risked his entire life savings to make the trek to the Yukon to prospect.

He started his journey full of excitement and hope. he'd purchased his nearly 2,000lbs of gear and supplies and two fine stock horses to help him carry it.

The voyage to Skagway was difficult. The seas were rough and Jonathan spent many hours at the rail, emptying his stomach into the frigid,...

Three friends decide to go on a hiking trip...

But they get lost in the wilderness and wander around for hours.

They stumble upon some strange tracks in the forest. The first friend says,

"These are moose tracks!" The second friend says, "No, these are clearly bear tracks!"

The third friend however did not get a chance to...

A hunter and his guide were deep in the mountains when they stopped to rest.

The hunter gazed at his companion and mused, "You know, I'm a pretty big fellow. If I had a heart attack or broke a leg, how would you get me out?"


"Last year, I shot a sixteen hundred pound moose way back there and got it out all right," the guide replied.


"How'd you manage th...

Why do Canadians always have such good hair?

Because of all the moose.

Trump and Pence go hunting.

As they're walking through the woods, they see an elk foraging on leaves.

"Hey look, an elk" says Pence.

"Fake moose" says Trump.

A blonde a brunette and a redhead go on a hunting trip

They stay together in a cabin deep in the woods.

On the first day the brunette goes out hunting and returns back to the cabin with a buck.

The blonde and the brunette are shocked and ask, “How’d you kill a buck!??”

The brunette replied, “I saw the tracks. I followed the track...

A conversation with my 7 year old brother.

"Look at all of these beautiful horse"

"Horses"

"Horse is already plural, isn't it?"

"You're thinking of elk"

"Holy mooses, you're right"

Two hunters with a cunning plan

These two hunters went moose hunting every year without success.

Finally they came up with a cunning plan.

They got themselves a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose.

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure in the bull, then come out of t...

A Scotsman is visiting America

...and decides to go hunting. While in the woods a huge beast runs by and the Scotsman shoots, but misses. 'What was that!' yelled the Scot. 'It was a moose' replied his guide, to which the Scotsman replied: If that was a moose, I don't want to see what your rats look like!

[Credit](http://ww...

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After years of complaints, a mother finally gets sick of cooking dinner.

She makes a new family rule: whoever complains about dinner has to cook the next night. After a few rounds, dinner duty falls to the husband. But by now, everyone is sick of having to cook, so they all decide to stop complaining. Weeks go by. The dad is sick of cooking, but nobody complains about hi...

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The reel, the ink, and the booze

There was a company that sold a great variety of fishing equipment and supplies. One of their new products was a rod to be used out at sea, with a special reel mechanism to catch larger fish. Now, there was a new employee who was in charge of printing buyers' names onto the reel by hand and with a q...

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So, Mr Rabbit is going for a run through the woods. . .

. . . When he comes upon a clearing with a weasel about to light a joint in it. "Oh Mr. Weasel, that's not good. You should come running with me! It's MUCH more fun!" Said Mr. Rabbit. The weasel takes one last look at the joint, and says "Eh, screw it", throws it away, and goes running with Mr. Rabb...

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