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Squirrel Jokes

The churches in town were all suffering from a squirrel problem.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they certainly should not interfere with God’s will.

 
At the Baptist church, the squirre...

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A nun walks into the Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.

She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.


"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."


"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You k...

A man, a squirrel, and 2 bees are going on a road trip.

On the road, they run out of gas so the man pulls over. One of the bees says, “Don’t worry, I’ll pee in the tank. It’ll get us a little further.” It works, until they run out of gas again.

The second bee steps up and says, “Don’t worry, I’ll pee in the tank. It’ll get us a little further.” I...

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There’s a squirrel sitting in an acorn tree, doing squirrel stuff...

When he notices an elephant approach and begin to climb the tree. He’s baffled and yells down ‘WHAT are you doing?!’

The elephant nonchalantly replies ‘I’m just coming up to eat oranges’. The squirrel snorts and shouts back ‘you IDIOT; this is an acorn tree!’

The elephant, now nearin...

My furry friend told me his strange fetish of being vored by a squirrel.

Told him he's gotta be nuts

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Jane had developed a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied. Jane then explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing, got completely naked and laid down on...

What's the best way to catch a squirrel?

Climb a tree and act like a nut.

Why did the hedgehog and the squirrel stop being friends?

The hedgehog was too prickly and the squirrel was too nutty

What’s the difference between a dead squirrel and a dead trombone player on the side of the road?

The squirrel was on his way to a gig.

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A man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies, "Yes, father. I used the "F-word" over the weekend."

The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."

The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-wo...

How long does it take for a crow to eat a dead squirrel on the road?

It depends on the traffic


(English is not my first language so sorry for any mistake)

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A nun was chatting with Mother Superior.

"I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."



"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder nun.



"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line t...

Did you hear about the new squirrel diet?

It's just nuts.


this joke is brought to you by amazon for rating 6 of my recent purchases, have a nice day.

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Squirrel runs into a bar...

Says, " Hey bartender, you got any nuts?"

Bartender says, "Get out of here you squirrel "

Next day squirrel runs into the same bar, says " Hey bartender you got any nuts?"

Bartender says, " Get out of here squirrel, we don't serve your kind here. If I see you in here again, I'll...

why did the squirrel swim on its back

so it wont get its nuts wet

A wise squirrel once said "you are what you eat".

Don't believe him, he was a nut.

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One time this squirrel

got his dick stuck in a bowl of cashews.

It was fucking nuts.

Squirrels ww

Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels—the town hall, the hardware store, and the church.

The town hall brought in some cats. But after they tore up all the files, the mayor got rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back.

The hardware store humanely trapped the ...

How do you get a squirrel down from a tree?

Pull down your pants and show it your nuts.

Why can’t a squirrel ever forget his ex?

He always remembers where he put his nut

Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?

It's just nuts.

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I just saw a squirrel pooping.

That shit was nuts.

What's 40+40+SQUIRREL!

80HD

My daughter made up that joke when she was 8.

A squirrel is living in a pine tree, when one day it starts to shake and rock...

... so he looks outside and he sees a large elephant trying to climb up the tree.

"What the hell!" the squirrel exclaims. "What the hell do you think you're doing climbing up this tree?!"

The elephant responds. "I'm climbing up here to eat pears."

The squirrel is befuddled. "You...

Who does a squirrel go to for confession?

>!A chip-monk!<

I saw a squirrel bury a nut in my backyard today.

I'm going to swap it for a grilled cheese sandwich and blow his mind.

What is the difference between a rat and a squirrel?

Answer: The puffy tail.
Moral: never underestimate the power of marketing.

A squirrel was sitting on the branch of a tree when suddenly it began shaking violently.

Looking down he saw an elephant climbing up the tree.

"What the hell are you doing," cried the squirrel.

"I want to eat some cherries."

"But this is an oak tree. There aren't any cherries here."

"It's okay," said the elephant. "I brought my own."

So Jesus, Moses and an old man go golfing

The first to play is Jesus. After his swing, the ball land in the lake. He runs towards it, walks on the water and grabs the ball. Then it's Moses' turn. Bad luck, the same thing happens to him. He walks to the lake, spreads the water into two parts and grabs the ball on the dry ground. Finally, it'...

How to let a squirrel go down from a tree?

Show him your nuts!

(Idk if this is known, my brother told me about this)

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Jane wanted to move things along with Tarzan

Jane wanted to move things along with Tarzan, so she went directly to him and asked him if he had ever had sex.

“Tarzan not know sex”, he replied.

Jane thought for a moment and then explained in detail what sex was to him.

“Tarzan use hole in tree”

Jane was shocked:”No, n...

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Who would win at scrabble between a Squirrel and a Raccoon?

The Squirrel, it has a Q in it!

What do you call a female squirrel?

A girrel.

Some lady called the cops on me because I was giving a squirrel a nut in the park.

Good thing I got my pants back on before they arrived

Food is getting so scarce, I just followed a squirrel so I could steal his nuts.

It was a lot of work for two small pieces of meat.

Ole and Sven go out squirrel hunting one afternoon.

Ole needs to toss a whizz so he steps behind a tree to take care of business. All the sudden Sven hears a bone chilling cry. He checks on his best friend Ole and there he is, lying on the ground.

"Sven, a rattlesnake just bit me in the pecker! Please go get the doctor; I don't want to di...

What did the squirrel say when he had to choose between staying still or jumping down?

I’m really on the fence about this one

How come when a video of a squirrel putting a nut in a dog gets 18k upvotes and is called "Cute"

but when I do it it's a "heinous act" and my dog gets taken away?

my gf asked me why I call her squirrel

me: because you're short, cute, jumpy, have a bushy tail, and are always on my nuts.

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Did you hear about the sexually active squirrel on cocaine?

He was fucking nuts

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A squirrel walks into a bar and asks for seeds.

The bartender hands him a plate of seeds and he tucks in. Once the squirrel is done eating he immediately begins masturbating vigorously.

"Hey!" the bartender shouts. "What do you think you're doing?!"

"I'm a squirrel," the squirrel says. "Look it up."

The bartender looks up 'sq...

Why was the squirrel genocidal?

It was a Nutzi

What’s a squirrel’s favorite channel?

Nutflix.

From my six year old who read it at the doctor office today.

What does a squirrel and a cigarette have in common?

They’re both safe until you light them on fire and put them in your mouth.

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Two squirrels were hanging, one of them was humping a walnut like there was no tomorrow. "Are you fucking crazy?" asked the first squirrel

"No... I'm fucking nuts!"

I’m not fat

I’m doing this on purpose, I plan to lose all this weight and then with the saggy skin I’ll be able to have my own wing suit, just like a flying squirrel.

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A deer had a bar. One day, he found the toilet window broken, so he asked the patrons "Who broke the window!?"

A hare responded "I kinda did..."

The deer asked "What do you mean by "kinda"?"

The hare says: "Well, I was taking a dump and after the bear finished his, he took me and tried to wipe his butt, but then he saw I wasn't toilet paper and threw me right out of the window".

The deer...

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Saw this squirrel humping an acorn the other day

It was fuckin nuts

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A bear and a squirrel were walking through the forest....

When they stumbled on a magic frog who said he would grant them both three wishes.

The bear goes first. "I wish all the bears in the forest besides me were female" said the bear. "Then I'd get laid all the time." "It is so." Said the frog, and all the bears in the forest besides him were fema...

If you listen closely you can hear the polite squirrel swear

"Aww nuts!"


(its name is probably Carl)

What's the difference between a squirrel and a cannibal necrophiliac?

One eats nuts and berries, the other nuts, eats then buries.

If you were trying to seduce a squirrel

You'd have to be pretty nuts

Why did the squirrel bury the tuna?

Because if you spell it backwards, it’s a nut.

What did the owl say to the squirrel?

Nothing. Because owls don't talk. Then it ate the squirrel, because owls are birds of prey.

What did the squirrel do to try and impress his date?

He went out on a limb.

I met Jon Snow the squirrel the other day

He knows nutting.

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What do you call it when a male squirrel ejaculates onto a female squirrel's stomach?

Chestnut

What did Bruce Wayne say to the hungry squirrel?

YOU WANNA GET NUTS?

C'mon, let's get nuts.

Why did the squirrel blush after he was hit by a car?

He was flattered.

I just saw a fat squirrel with two nuts in it's mouth.

Damn I miss my ex.

I was babysitting my brother's cat and he called to check on her

Me: She's dead

Brother: OMG, that's not how you break news to someone about a beloved pet!

Me: Then how?

Brother: You say: I am afraid I have some bad news. Your cat escaped, went outside, and started chasing a squirrel. The squirrel ran up onto the roof and the cat gave chase....

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The tale of the Frog and the Squirrel.

A guy walks into a bar, says to the bartender "if I show you something amazing will you buy me a drink?"

Bartender says "sure, but I've been bar tending a long time so it's gotta be good"

Guy reaches into his pocket pulls out a little piano and a frog, the frog starts playing the pia...

I was chasing a squirrel in my back yard. The squirrel ran up a tree.

My car was totaled.

What does the squirrel do on his computer late at night?

He nuts.

What did the Brazilian goose on the balcony say to the squirrel passing by?

I don’t know, I don’t speak porch of geese

I met an squirrel at the bus stop

He was standing there with 2 flashlights.
I asked him why he had them with him.
"To scare away the wolfs", he said.
"But, we are in the middle of the city, there are no wolfs here..."

"Told you it works!"

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I had to file a sexual harassment claim against a squirrel in the park yesterday...

...he wouldn't stop trying to grab my nut sack.

Friend: man, you got to help me. I hit a squirrel driving my car. I feel awful, what should I do?

Me: Why'd you let it drive your car in the first place?

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Various law enforcement agencies have a fugitive tracking competition. A forest is divided by high fences into 100-acre sections, a squirrel is released into each one, and the game begins.

The CIA fill their section with animal agents all wearing wires. After three months with no leads, they announce that the squirrel never really existed.

The FBI works for a month and gets no leads. They burn down the forest, positively ID the squirrel remains, and announce at a press conferen...

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A man walks into confessional and says, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned..."

The priest replies, "What is it that brings you here?"

"Well father, I used the F-word over the weekend."

"Oh is that all? Say five Hail Mary’s and may the Lord be with you."

The man replies, "but I really need to talk about it."

"Let’s have it then," the priest says as h...

Fixed to the spot, the squirrel realised ...

he'd buried the wrong nuts.

What time of the year do most squirrels die?

No nut November

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Did you guys know that squirrels die after sex?

It's kind of a pain, you have to find a new one every time.

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Squirrel sex

What did the squirrel say after fucking an acorn?

Best nut of my life

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What did the squirrel say to his wife after she served him blueberries for dinner?

"Dammit Chelsea, I'm sick of these nasty blue balls you keep giving me... What do I have to do to get a nut around here?"

A man goes into confession on his way home from the gold course

Forgive me Father I have sinned.

*Tell me what happened son*

Well, I used the Lords name in vain. I was out golfing this morning and hit the most beautiful drive of my life, straight as an arrow, it must've carried 300 yards, right down the middle of the fairway.

*So you got a l...

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