What’s a squirrels favorite way to watch TV?

Nut-flix!

A joke my 8 y/o daughter made up this morning. Thought it was pretty good!

Several churches started having problems with squirrels damaging their buildings.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church, the squirrels had ...

Squirrels have a habit of storing food in the winter

Isn't that nuts?

What do you call a female squirrel?

A girrel.

Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?

It's just nuts.

Why did the squirrel swim on it's back?

To keep his nuts dry

I saw a squirrel bury a nut in my backyard today.

I'm going to swap it for a grilled cheese sandwich and blow his mind.

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Jane had developed a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied. Jane then explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing, got completely naked and laid down on...

How long does it take for a crow to eat a dead squirrel on the road?

It depends on the traffic


(English is not my first language so sorry for any mistake)

A man, a squirrel, and 2 bees are going on a road trip.

On the road, they run out of gas so the man pulls over. One of the bees says, “Don’t worry, I’ll pee in the tank. It’ll get us a little further.” It works, until they run out of gas again.

The second bee steps up and says, “Don’t worry, I’ll pee in the tank. It’ll get us a little further.” I...

What is the difference between a rat and a squirrel?

Answer: The puffy tail.
Moral: never underestimate the power of marketing.

One day a truck driver had a truck full of squirrels. A police officer said," Sir, I’m going to need you to take these squirrels to the zoo."

The driver did so and left. The next day the driver was back but this time the squirrels were wearing sunglasses. The officer said," I thought I told you to take these squirrels to the zoo." The driver said," I did. Today I’m taking them to the beach."

What's a Squirrels favorite seasoning?

Nutmeg.

Who does a squirrel go to for confession?

>!A chip-monk!<

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The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really..?" the photographer asked. "Well, good....

What’s the best way to catch a squirrel?

Climb up a tree and act like a nut

I went to the park and began feeding the squirrels . I instinctively fed the smallest and skinniest before the others.

The rangers kicked me out!
Said I was Crittersizing

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Why're squirrels the horniest animals in the animal kingdom

Because they're always looking for their next nut.

I just got thrown out of my local park for arranging the squirrels by height…

Apparently, they didn’t like my critter sizing.

What does a hungry squirrel and my dog have in common?

They both have no nuts.

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Did you guys know that squirrels die after sex?

It's kind of a pain, you have to find a new one every time.

How do you get a squirrel down from a tree?

You pull down you pants and show him your nuts.

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Why do squirrels live in trees?

Because they’re fucking nuts!

What is squirrels's least favourite month?

November

How large is a squirrels home?

Approximately 4 squirrel feet

A cow was climbing up a tree

Squirrel: Why are you climbing the tree?

Cow: I want to eat a couple of apples

squirrel: But, this is an oak

Cow: Don't worry, I'm bringing a few along

A wise squirrel once said "you are what you eat".

Don't believe him, he was a nut.

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Jane is on her honeymoon with Tarzan.

He lays stiff in bed awkwardly staring at the roof of the treehouse. "Have you ever had sex?" She asks, he stands up and points out the window, "when Tarzan horny, Tarzan poke hole in tree."

She walks over to him and says "Just do the same, pretend i'm the tree." He nods, and swiftly kicks he...

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There’s a squirrel sitting in an acorn tree, doing squirrel stuff...

When he notices an elephant approach and begin to climb the tree. He’s baffled and yells down ‘WHAT are you doing?!’

The elephant nonchalantly replies ‘I’m just coming up to eat oranges’. The squirrel snorts and shouts back ‘you IDIOT; this is an acorn tree!’

The elephant, now nearin...

Why did the police arrest the squirrels in the park?

- For busting a nut in public view

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

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When the 16 years old daughter comes home high as fuck...

...and crushes in the couch next to her father, and smells like good weed, the father becomes suspicious and looks in her eyes, not knowing what to say, he asks her:

Ahmmm mm what did you do all day, the squirrels told me you smoked weed, is it true??

The daughter answers: aaa mmm yeah...

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The Nun's Story

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior, chatting.

"I used some horrible language this week, and I feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.

"Well I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go ov...

Some lady called the cops on me because I was giving a squirrel a nut in the park.

Good thing I got my pants back on before they arrived

Why unemployed squirrels go to mental hospital?

Because that's where all the nutjobs are.

Cigarettes are like squirrels.

Theyre perfectly harmless until you stick one in your mouth and light it on fire.

A squirrel in the refrigerator

A man comes home after a hard day’s work and opens the refrigerator

to get a soda. Inside, he sees a squirrel taking a nap.

“What are you doing in my fridge?” the man asks.

The squirrel opens one sleepy eye and says, “Isn’t this a Westinghouse?”

“Um, yes,” the man replies...

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A squirrel walks into a bar and asks for seeds.

The bartender hands him a plate of seeds and he tucks in. Once the squirrel is done eating he immediately begins masturbating vigorously.

"Hey!" the bartender shouts. "What do you think you're doing?!"

"I'm a squirrel," the squirrel says. "Look it up."

The bartender looks up 'sq...

Why did the blue squirrel fall out of it's tree?

It dyed.

What do you get when you cross a spider and a squirrel?

A bug that will climb your leg and eat your nuts

The best thing about knitting squirrels is that their nuts about cuneiform

You can even pay them in peanuts until they unionize and start demanding pistachios

A squirrel was sitting on the branch of a tree when suddenly it began shaking violently.

Looking down he saw an elephant climbing up the tree.

"What the hell are you doing," cried the squirrel.

"I want to eat some cherries."

"But this is an oak tree. There aren't any cherries here."

"It's okay," said the elephant. "I brought my own."

The forest animals were concerned that their habitat was being destroyed by logging, so they consulted the oldest wisest tree in the middle of the forest to ask what they could do to save it.

The wise old tree thought about it and said "Perhaps the bears can scare the loggers away.” The bears snarled and charged the loggers to scare them.

It worked initially, but then the loggers hired hunters and soon there were no bears left to scare anyone.

The logging resumed and the fo...

Food is getting so scarce, I just followed a squirrel so I could steal his nuts.

It was a lot of work for two small pieces of meat.

A man was arrested today for feeding the squirrels

A man was arrested today for feeding the squirrels in the park.


He was feeding them to his dog.

How do you fight a squirrel looking for a nut?

You beat him off.

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The Golfing Nun - and why life is never perfect.

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.


'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'


'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to...

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What do you call a squirrel with a food fetish?

Fucking nuts.

A man takes a trip to Europe

There's this guy, you see! He takes a trip to Europe.
It's his first vacation in a long time.
He sees the sights, you know?
He has a real good time.
Anyway, after a while he decides to call home.
He get his brother on the phone and the guy says to his brother:
"How's ev...

A joke my 9 yr old told at a BBQ we had over the weekend. He brought down the house.

Why do squirrels swim on their backs?

To keep their nuts dry!

The squirrels of Buckingham Palace. (The elusive thing known as a new joke)

A solider was standing guard at Buckingham Palace when his commanding officer came storming over.

‘JONES! Did I see you flinch?’

‘Yes Sir!’

‘Why did you flinch Jones?’

‘Well you see Sir, a squirrel come running out of tha’ tree over there, ran across the field, ran up m...

What's 40+40+SQUIRREL!

80HD

My daughter made up that joke when she was 8.

Ole and Sven go out squirrel hunting one afternoon.

Ole needs to toss a whizz so he steps behind a tree to take care of business. All the sudden Sven hears a bone chilling cry. He checks on his best friend Ole and there he is, lying on the ground.

"Sven, a rattlesnake just bit me in the pecker! Please go get the doctor; I don't want to di...

What did the squirrel say when he had to choose between staying still or jumping down?

I’m really on the fence about this one

If you listen closely you can hear the polite squirrel swear

"Aww nuts!"


(its name is probably Carl)

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Did you hear about the sexually active squirrel on cocaine?

He was fucking nuts

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Who would win at scrabble between a Squirrel and a Raccoon?

The Squirrel, it has a Q in it!

Noah! Noah! The Unicorns are playing with the dragon eggs and won’t get on the ark!

Noah, “come help me with these squirrels, we’ll get to them later.”

In light of the rising frequency of human - grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is...

advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field. They advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in ...

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A genie grants a Bear and a Squirrel each 3 wishes.

Wish 1: The Bear wishes that every bear in the world would become female.

Wish 1: The Squirrel wishes for a motorcycle he can ride.

Wish 2: The Bear wishes that every female bear in the world would fall in love with him.

Wish 2: The Squirrel wishes for a helmet.

Wish 3: T...

What’s a squirrel’s favorite channel?

Nutflix.

From my six year old who read it at the doctor office today.

A little old lady would feed two squirrels in her backyard everyday. One morning the old lady goes out to feed them and finds them dead. She decides she can't live without them and takes them to a taxidermist. She asks to have them stuffed. The taxidermist asked if she wanted them mounted...

"No!" She said. "Holding hands will be just fine."

my gf asked me why I call her squirrel

me: because you're short, cute, jumpy, have a bushy tail, and are always on my nuts.

What does a squirrel and a cigarette have in common?

They’re both safe until you light them on fire and put them in your mouth.

How come when a video of a squirrel putting a nut in a dog gets 18k upvotes and is called "Cute"

but when I do it it's a "heinous act" and my dog gets taken away?

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Two Squirrels GO Camping

They set up a tiny tent and make a tiny campfire. Then, one squirrel pulls out a frying pan and begins to pan fry some twigs. The other squirrel snatches it from his hand and says,

"Are you NUTS?!? This is a non-stick pan!"

Why does a squirrel's tail grow from it's back?

Because there's a squirrel in the front.

There was a man who owned two pet squirrels...

The two squirrels were the best of buds. One day, the man lets them outside to play and they both accidentally chase each other to the road where they get ran over.

He loved these guys so much, he decides to take them to a taxidermist so he can remember them forever.

The taxidermist ...

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The tale of the Frog and the Squirrel.

A guy walks into a bar, says to the bartender "if I show you something amazing will you buy me a drink?"

Bartender says "sure, but I've been bar tending a long time so it's gotta be good"

Guy reaches into his pocket pulls out a little piano and a frog, the frog starts playing the pia...

A squirrel is living in a pine tree, when one day it starts to shake and rock...

... so he looks outside and he sees a large elephant trying to climb up the tree.

"What the hell!" the squirrel exclaims. "What the hell do you think you're doing climbing up this tree?!"

The elephant responds. "I'm climbing up here to eat pears."

The squirrel is befuddled. "You...

If you were trying to seduce a squirrel

You'd have to be pretty nuts

If squirrels could tell jokes, they'd be quick and to the point

Because they'd be in a nut shell

Did you know?

Did you know: A squirrel's brain actually increases in size during winter to remember where they buried their nuts.

...

The technical term for it is post-nut clarity

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I just saw a squirrel pooping.

That shit was nuts.

Why did the squirrel bury the tuna?

Because if you spell it backwards, it’s a nut.

A man goes into confession on his way home from the gold course

Forgive me Father I have sinned.

*Tell me what happened son*

Well, I used the Lords name in vain. I was out golfing this morning and hit the most beautiful drive of my life, straight as an arrow, it must've carried 300 yards, right down the middle of the fairway.

*So you got a l...

What's the difference between a squirrel and a cannibal necrophiliac?

One eats nuts and berries, the other nuts, eats then buries.

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The confession

A man went to his church for confession and he entered the confessional.

“Forgive me Father for I have sinned.”

“What is it my son? Did you commit adultery?”

“No Father I swore.”

“Very well begin your story”

“Well I was out at the Emerald Golf course and I was on h...

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The Woman and the Gorilla

A woman once rescued a baby Gorilla from poachers. She was later surprised to find that it could talk. The woman fed it bathed it and raised it. Years passed and the Gorilla grew up to be big and strong. One day the woman saw the gorilla ramming its cock into a tree hollow. Seeing the size of its co...

I was chasing a squirrel in my back yard. The squirrel ran up a tree.

My car was totaled.

Med School

This happened while I was in my first year of medical school. I was taking an exam in anatomy. It was really tough. They asked questions like, "How many bones are there in the hand?" I was stymied. I kept saying to myself, "How many bones are there in the hand?" And then I heard this little voice th...

What does the squirrel do on his computer late at night?

He nuts.

What did the Brazilian goose on the balcony say to the squirrel passing by?

I don’t know, I don’t speak porch of geese

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