What’s a squirrels favorite way to watch TV?

Nut-flix!

A joke my 8 y/o daughter made up this morning. Thought it was pretty good!

How do you catch squirrels?

Climb up a tree and pretend you're nuts.

I got kicked out of the park today for arranging the squirrels by height

They didn’t like my critter sizing

In a small American town, a band of squirrels had become quite a problem.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had tak...

Squirrels have a habit of storing food in the winter

Isn't that nuts?

What do you call a squirrel in a church?

A chipmunk!

What do you get when you cross a spider and a squirrel?

A bug that will climb your leg and eat your nuts

What does a hungry squirrel and my dog have in common?

They both have no nuts.

Why unemployed squirrels go to mental hospital?

Because that's where all the nutjobs are.

Why did a squirrel get in my pants?

There were nuts in it.
(Sorry)

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Gay squirrels

They love nuts

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, Ma'am", he ...

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

Why do squirrels swim on their backs?

To keep their nuts dry.

Cigarettes are like squirrels.

Theyre perfectly harmless until you stick one in your mouth and light it on fire.

A wise squirrel once said "you are what you eat".

Don't believe him, he was a nut.

A man goes into confession on his way home from the gold course

Forgive me Father I have sinned.

*Tell me what happened son*

Well, I used the Lords name in vain. I was out golfing this morning and hit the most beautiful drive of my life, straight as an arrow, it must've carried 300 yards, right down the middle of the fairway.

*So you got a l...

Food is getting so scarce, I just followed a squirrel so I could steal his nuts.

It was a lot of work for two small pieces of meat.

The best thing about knitting squirrels is that their nuts about cuneiform

You can even pay them in peanuts until they unionize and start demanding pistachios

Some lady called the cops on me because I was giving a squirrel a nut in the park.

Good thing I got my pants back on before they arrived

Ole and Sven go out squirrel hunting one afternoon.

Ole needs to toss a whizz so he steps behind a tree to take care of business. All the sudden Sven hears a bone chilling cry. He checks on his best friend Ole and there he is, lying on the ground.

"Sven, a rattlesnake just bit me in the pecker! Please go get the doctor; I don't want to di...

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A nun plays golf and takes the Lord's name in vain

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. "What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the Day you spent with your family?"


"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with ...

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Jane always had a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied.

Jane then explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show yo...

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Michael and The Parrot

I'm gonna try to translate an Albanian Joke
It's hard to translate but I'll try:

Michael and the parrot

Michael had an talking parrot and wants to sell him and make some money. But the parrot had a problem that he offended anyone that he didn't like.
First comes a man with weird...

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I want to see if this old Finnish joke is still funny when translated.

A press reporter, a young and beautiful woman was making an article about living alone in the middle of nowhere for the majority for one's life.


The reporter stayed at the old man's house for a long time, just discussing about everyday stuff.

Well, how do you get food then?

...

How do you fight a squirrel looking for a nut?

You beat him off.

A man was arrested today for feeding the squirrels

A man was arrested today for feeding the squirrels in the park.


He was feeding them to his dog.

A squirrel was sitting on the branch of a tree when suddenly it began shaking violently.

Looking down he saw an elephant climbing up the tree.

"What the hell are you doing," cried the squirrel.

"I want to eat some cherries."

"But this is an oak tree. There aren't any cherries here."

"It's okay," said the elephant. "I brought my own."

What's 40+40+SQUIRREL!

80HD

My daughter made up that joke when she was 8.

What time of the year do most squirrels die?

No nut November

What did the squirrel say when he had to choose between staying still or jumping down?

I’m really on the fence about this one

A guy is golfing by himself and shanks a ball hard.

He yells, "Goddamn it all to hell!"

St. Peter hears him and asks God, "Aren't you going to do anything about that?"

God says, "Yep."

Next hole is a long par five over water ending in a dog leg. The guy tees up and crushes the ball. It hits the water but just as it does, a turtle...

A joke my dad told me awhile ago

How do you get a squirrel out of a tree?

Pull down you pants and show him your nuts.

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There’s a squirrel sitting in an acorn tree, doing squirrel stuff...

When he notices an elephant approach and begin to climb the tree. He’s baffled and yells down ‘WHAT are you doing?!’

The elephant nonchalantly replies ‘I’m just coming up to eat oranges’. The squirrel snorts and shouts back ‘you IDIOT; this is an acorn tree!’

The elephant, now nearin...

My friends always call me "that crazy guy."

Just kidding... squirrels can't talk.

Squirrels don’t have children....

They ALWAYS swallow the nut.

A CIA agent, an MI6 agent, and a KGB agent are out hunting in the woods. [Long]

After they set up camp, they then decide to each go out hunting for a bear. The three agents agree to return within an hour, and go their separate ways.

After an hour, the CIA agent and the MI6 agent return empty-handed.

"Upon close inspection," says the MI6 agent, "I have determined ...

There was a man who owned two pet squirrels...

The two squirrels were the best of buds. One day, the man lets them outside to play and they both accidentally chase each other to the road where they get ran over.

He loved these guys so much, he decides to take them to a taxidermist so he can remember them forever.

The taxidermist ...

Two cows are talking in the barn

Cow A: Yo, what do you think about the "mad cow" disease?"

Cow B: The f*ck do I care, I'm a squirrel.

Why did the squirrel fall dead from the tree?

Because it's No Nut November.

How do you catch a squirrel?

Climb up a tree and act like a nut.

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God and Jesus go golfing

God and Jesus go out to play a round of golf. Their first hole is a par 3 and Jesus tees off first. He hits a great shot and the ball lands just a few feet shy of the hole. God goes next and hits a shot that goes 15 feet. All of a sudden a squirrel runs out and grabs the ball and starts running away...

A little old lady would feed two squirrels in her backyard everyday. One morning the old lady goes out to feed them and finds them dead. She decides she can't live without them and takes them to a taxidermist. She asks to have them stuffed. The taxidermist asked if she wanted them mounted...

"No!" She said. "Holding hands will be just fine."

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Did you hear about the sexually active squirrel on cocaine?

He was fucking nuts

Two friends are walking in a natural park

At some point, they see a very rare and beautiful squirrel.
“Should we take it with us?” Says one of the two.
“Yes, but hide it in your underpants in case we meet a ranger.”
So the guy puts the squirrel in his underpants and they keep walking.

Right outside the park, they meet an act...

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Tarzan meets Jane [NSFW]

Tarzan and Jane were in the jungle and Jane said she was feeling horny. Tarzan wasn't sure what she meant so she proceeded to explain.

Tarzan told her that when he felt like that he just used a hole in a tree trunk. Jane said that was so sad, and she wanted to help him out.

She got n...

If you listen closely you can hear the polite squirrel swear

"Aww nuts!"


(its name is probably Carl)

Why did the blind man cross the road?

His dog saw a squirrel.

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Who would win at scrabble between a Squirrel and a Raccoon?

The Squirrel, it has a Q in it!

Why do squirrels always act like they are insane?

They want to be sent to the nuthouse.

A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."

"What is your sin, my child?" The priest asks back. "Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible."
"When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest.
"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over ...

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The Rangers, the Marines and the Police were doing training...

They all were out in the forest and the secretary of defense said "Listen up, your objective today is go out into the woods and bring me back a rabbit".

The Rangers went first, moving quickly and quietly through the trees. Within 5 minutes they brought back a little white rabbit unharmed....

What’s a squirrel’s favorite channel?

Nutflix.

From my six year old who read it at the doctor office today.

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The tale of the Frog and the Squirrel.

A guy walks into a bar, says to the bartender "if I show you something amazing will you buy me a drink?"

Bartender says "sure, but I've been bar tending a long time so it's gotta be good"

Guy reaches into his pocket pulls out a little piano and a frog, the frog starts playing the pia...

If you were trying to seduce a squirrel

You'd have to be pretty nuts

What does a squirrel and a cigarette have in common?

They’re both safe until you light them on fire and put them in your mouth.

my gf asked me why I call her squirrel

me: because you're short, cute, jumpy, have a bushy tail, and are always on my nuts.

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Two squirrels were hanging, one of them was humping a walnut like there was no tomorrow. "Are you fucking crazy?" asked the first squirrel

"No... I'm fucking nuts!"

trees rock

A squirrel had carved a shelter into a tree. The tree was arrested and faced charges in court of arboring a fugitive.

If squirrels could tell jokes, they'd be quick and to the point

Because they'd be in a nut shell

Why did the squirrel judge the drag queen competition?

He is an expert at hiding nuts.

Why does a squirrel's tail grow from it's back?

Because there's a squirrel in the front.

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What did the hurricane say to the squirrel?

"Hold on to your nuts because this is no ordinary blow job"

Three squirrels were sitting on animal hides...

The first squirrel was sitting on a rabbit hide and weighed one pound. The second squirrel was sitting on a wolf hide and weighed two pounds. And the third squirrel was sitting on a hippopotamus hide and weighed three pounds. This proves that the squirrel on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of t...

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A genie grants a Bear and a Squirrel each 3 wishes.

Wish 1: The Bear wishes that every bear in the world would become female.

Wish 1: The Squirrel wishes for a motorcycle he can ride.

Wish 2: The Bear wishes that every female bear in the world would fall in love with him.

Wish 2: The Squirrel wishes for a helmet.

Wish 3: T...

How come when a video of a squirrel putting a nut in a dog gets 18k upvotes and is called "Cute"

but when I do it it's a "heinous act" and my dog gets taken away?

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Two Squirrels GO Camping

They set up a tiny tent and make a tiny campfire. Then, one squirrel pulls out a frying pan and begins to pan fry some twigs. The other squirrel snatches it from his hand and says,

"Are you NUTS?!? This is a non-stick pan!"

What did the squirrel say to the police dog when it raided its tree house?

...You’re barking up the wrong tree.

Why did the squirrel bury the tuna?

Because if you spell it backwards, it’s a nut.

What are the best animals to explain something

Squirrels. They always give it in a nutshell

I just hope this makes someone's day

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A man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies, "Yes, father. I used the "F-word" over the weekend."

The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."

The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-wo...

I was chasing a squirrel in my back yard. The squirrel ran up a tree.

My car was totaled.

What's the difference between a squirrel and a cannibal necrophiliac?

One eats nuts and berries, the other nuts, eats then buries.

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Gary meets a girl at the bar

She agrees to take Gary home for the night. When they arrive Gary admits his secret, he’s a virgin.

Not to embarrass him, she comforts Gary and says she is going to freshen up in the bathroom. While doing that, she suggests Gary go to backyard where there is a tree with a hole in it. She tel...

What does the squirrel do on his computer late at night?

He nuts.

A squirrel is living in a pine tree, when one day it starts to shake and rock...

... so he looks outside and he sees a large elephant trying to climb up the tree.

"What the hell!" the squirrel exclaims. "What the hell do you think you're doing climbing up this tree?!"

The elephant responds. "I'm climbing up here to eat pears."

The squirrel is befuddled. "You...

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There was a vulture who had a rebellious son.

He would preen his feathers so they stood up, hang out with raccoons, and generally be a nuisance to the rest of the flock. Thinking that it was just a phase, his father didn't worry too much about it and hoped that one day his son would grow up.

However, one day his son came home with terrib...

There’s a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him.

The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him.


So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him. By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops...

There was once an old trapper drinking in a tavern.

He didn't have much money, so he loudly made a bet to every one in the room,"Blind fold me and bring me any pelt! I'll tell you what animal it was and how you killed it! If I'm right, you buy me a drink. If I'm wrong, drinks on me!"

The first taker stepped up to the bar. "Alright, old man. ...

What did the squirrel do to try and impress his date?

He went out on a limb.

Fixed to the spot, the squirrel realised ...

he'd buried the wrong nuts.

What did the Brazilian goose on the balcony say to the squirrel passing by?

I don’t know, I don’t speak porch of geese

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