The 75+ Best Squirrel Jokes

What’s a squirrels favorite way to watch TV?

Nut-flix!

A joke my 8 y/o daughter made up this morning. Thought it was pretty good!

Squirrels ww

Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels—the town hall, the hardware store, and the church.

The town hall brought in some cats. But after they tore up all the files, the mayor got rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back.

The hardware store humanely trapped the ...

A man, a squirrel, and 2 bees are going on a road trip.

On the road, they run out of gas so the man pulls over. One of the bees says, “Don’t worry, I’ll pee in the tank. It’ll get us a little further.” It works, until they run out of gas again.

The second bee steps up and says, “Don’t worry, I’ll pee in the tank. It’ll get us a little further.” I...

Squirrels and Religion

Squirrels and Religion

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.

At...

My furry friend told me his strange fetish of being vored by a squirrel.

Told him he's gotta be nuts

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There’s a squirrel sitting in an acorn tree, doing squirrel stuff...

When he notices an elephant approach and begin to climb the tree. He’s baffled and yells down ‘WHAT are you doing?!’

The elephant nonchalantly replies ‘I’m just coming up to eat oranges’. The squirrel snorts and shouts back ‘you IDIOT; this is an acorn tree!’

The elephant, now nearin...

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A nun walks into the Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.

She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You k...

Squirrels have a habit of storing food in the winter

Isn't that nuts?

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

Why did the hedgehog and the squirrel stop being friends?

The hedgehog was too prickly and the squirrel was too nutty

What's the best way to catch a squirrel?

Climb a tree and act like a nut.

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Jane had developed a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied. Jane then explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing, got completely naked and laid down on...

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The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really..?" the photographer asked. "Well, good....

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A young man traveled the world in search of buried treasure. After five years with no luck, he received a prophecy from an enchantress which told of a vast hoard of golden loot squirreled away in Bermuda by a famous privateer crew.

Sure enough, after sailing for another year, he came to the place the enchantress had spoken of and found a trove of coins and medallions, enough to make him wealthy beyond his wildest dreams.

He brought all of it on board his ship and through storms and turmoil returned home with his prize....

What’s the difference between a dead squirrel and a dead trombone player on the side of the road?

The squirrel was on his way to a gig.

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A man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies, "Yes, father. I used the "F-word" over the weekend."

The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."

The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-wo...

What's 40+40+SQUIRREL!

80HD

My daughter made up that joke when she was 8.

What time of the year do most squirrels die?

No nut November

Why do squirrels swim on their backs?

To keep their nuts dry!

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Did you guys know that squirrels die after sex?

It's kind of a pain, you have to find a new one every time.

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A nun was chatting with Mother Superior.

"I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder nun.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line t...

Did you hear about the new squirrel diet?

It's just nuts.

this joke is brought to you by amazon for rating 6 of my recent purchases, have a nice day.

The owl and the squirrel

An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree watching a farmer go by.

The owl turns to the squirrel and says nothing because owls can't talk.

The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.

why did the squirrel swim on its back

so it wont get its nuts wet

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Squirrel runs into a bar...

Says, " Hey bartender, you got any nuts?"

Bartender says, "Get out of here you squirrel "

Next day squirrel runs into the same bar, says " Hey bartender you got any nuts?"

Bartender says, " Get out of here squirrel, we don't serve your kind here. If I see you in here again, I'll...

How do you get a squirrel down from a tree?

Pull down your pants and show it your nuts.

Why can’t a squirrel ever forget his ex?

He always remembers where he put his nut

Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?

It's just nuts.

How long does it take for a crow to eat a dead squirrel on the road?

It depends on the traffic

(English is not my first language so sorry for any mistake)

One day a truck driver had a truck full of squirrels. A police officer said," Sir, I’m going to need you to take these squirrels to the zoo."

The driver did so and left. The next day the driver was back but this time the squirrels were wearing sunglasses. The officer said," I thought I told you to take these squirrels to the zoo." The driver said," I did. Today I’m taking them to the beach."

I went to the park and began feeding the squirrels . I instinctively fed the smallest and skinniest before the others.

The rangers kicked me out!
Said I was Crittersizing

Who does a squirrel go to for confession?

>!A chip-monk!<

I saw a squirrel bury a nut in my backyard today.

I'm going to swap it for a grilled cheese sandwich and blow his mind.

What’s a squirrels favorite tool

A nutcracker

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I just saw a squirrel pooping.

That shit was nuts.

A wise squirrel once said "you are what you eat".

Don't believe him, he was a nut.

What do you call a female squirrel?

A girrel.

A squirrel is living in a pine tree, when one day it starts to shake and rock...

... so he looks outside and he sees a large elephant trying to climb up the tree.

"What the hell!" the squirrel exclaims. "What the hell do you think you're doing climbing up this tree?!"

The elephant responds. "I'm climbing up here to eat pears."

The squirrel is befuddled. "You...

The squirrels of Buckingham Palace. (The elusive thing known as a new joke)

A solider was standing guard at Buckingham Palace when his commanding officer came storming over.

‘JONES! Did I see you flinch?’

‘Yes Sir!’

‘Why did you flinch Jones?’

‘Well you see Sir, a squirrel come running out of tha’ tree over there, ran across the field, ran up m...

What is the difference between a rat and a squirrel?

Answer: The puffy tail.
Moral: never underestimate the power of marketing.

What's a Squirrels favorite seasoning?

Nutmeg.

Cigarettes are like Squirrels...

They're completely harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire

A squirrel was sitting on the branch of a tree when suddenly it began shaking violently.

Looking down he saw an elephant climbing up the tree.

"What the hell are you doing," cried the squirrel.

"I want to eat some cherries."

"But this is an oak tree. There aren't any cherries here."

"It's okay," said the elephant. "I brought my own."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jane wanted to move things along with Tarzan

Jane wanted to move things along with Tarzan, so she went directly to him and asked him if he had ever had sex.

“Tarzan not know sex”, he replied.

Jane thought for a moment and then explained in detail what sex was to him.

“Tarzan use hole in tree”

Jane was shocked:”No, n...

If I'm on a plane that's going to crash, I'm going to grab some blankets and make a crude flying squirrel suit and jump out, even though I know it won't work.

At least the news will say, "His body was found over a mile from the crash site."

I just got thrown out of my local park for arranging the squirrels by height…

Apparently, they didn’t like my critter sizing.

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Why do squirrels live in trees?

Because they’re fucking nuts!

How large is a squirrels home?

Approximately 4 squirrel feet

How to let a squirrel go down from a tree?

Show him your nuts!

(Idk if this is known, my brother told me about this)

So Jesus, Moses and an old man go golfing

The first to play is Jesus. After his swing, the ball land in the lake. He runs towards it, walks on the water and grabs the ball. Then it's Moses' turn. Bad luck, the same thing happens to him. He walks to the lake, spreads the water into two parts and grabs the ball on the dry ground. Finally, it'...

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Who would win at scrabble between a Squirrel and a Raccoon?

The Squirrel, it has a Q in it!

Some lady called the cops on me because I was giving a squirrel a nut in the park.

Good thing I got my pants back on before they arrived

Food is getting so scarce, I just followed a squirrel so I could steal his nuts.

It was a lot of work for two small pieces of meat.

What did the squirrel say when he had to choose between staying still or jumping down?

I’m really on the fence about this one

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the sexually active squirrel on cocaine?

He was fucking nuts

Three squirrels were sitting on animal hides...

The first squirrel was sitting on a rabbit hide and weighed one pound. The second squirrel was sitting on a wolf hide and weighed two pounds. And the third squirrel was sitting on a hippopotamus hide and weighed three pounds. This proves that the squirrel on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of t...

Why did the police arrest the squirrels in the park?

- For busting a nut in public view

A man was arrested today for feeding the squirrels

A man was arrested today for feeding the squirrels in the park.

He was feeding them to his dog.

Ole and Sven go out squirrel hunting one afternoon.

Ole needs to toss a whizz so he steps behind a tree to take care of business. All the sudden Sven hears a bone chilling cry. He checks on his best friend Ole and there he is, lying on the ground.

"Sven, a rattlesnake just bit me in the pecker! Please go get the doctor; I don't want to di...

What’s a squirrel’s favorite channel?

Nutflix.

From my six year old who read it at the doctor office today.

The best thing about knitting squirrels is that their nuts about cuneiform

You can even pay them in peanuts until they unionize and start demanding pistachios

my gf asked me why I call her squirrel

me: because you're short, cute, jumpy, have a bushy tail, and are always on my nuts.

How come when a video of a squirrel putting a nut in a dog gets 18k upvotes and is called "Cute"

but when I do it it's a "heinous act" and my dog gets taken away?

3 Churches and a Whole Lot of Squirrels

There once was a small town that was swarmed by wild squirrels. The Squirrels made their home in the town's three churches.

The church leaders all made efforts to remove the squirrels. At the end of the year, all three church leaders met up to compare their results.

The First church ...

Why was the squirrel genocidal?

It was a Nutzi

Squirrels don’t have children....

They ALWAYS swallow the nut.

What does a squirrel and a cigarette have in common?

They’re both safe until you light them on fire and put them in your mouth.

There was a man who owned two pet squirrels...

The two squirrels were the best of buds. One day, the man lets them outside to play and they both accidentally chase each other to the road where they get ran over.

He loved these guys so much, he decides to take them to a taxidermist so he can remember them forever.

The taxidermist ...

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The tale of the Frog and the Squirrel.

A guy walks into a bar, says to the bartender "if I show you something amazing will you buy me a drink?"

Bartender says "sure, but I've been bar tending a long time so it's gotta be good"

Guy reaches into his pocket pulls out a little piano and a frog, the frog starts playing the pia...

What's the difference between a squirrel and a cannibal necrophiliac?

One eats nuts and berries, the other nuts, eats then buries.

A little old lady would feed two squirrels in her backyard everyday. One morning the old lady goes out to feed them and finds them dead. She decides she can't live without them and takes them to a taxidermist. She asks to have them stuffed. The taxidermist asked if she wanted them mounted...

"No!" She said. "Holding hands will be just fine."

If you were trying to seduce a squirrel

You'd have to be pretty nuts

Why did the squirrel bury the tuna?

Because if you spell it backwards, it’s a nut.

I was chasing a squirrel in my back yard. The squirrel ran up a tree.

My car was totaled.

What does the squirrel do on his computer late at night?

He nuts.

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