An 8-year-old knocks on the door of a brothel...

The Madam opens it up, looks down and sees the kid. “What do you want?”

The kid says, “I wanna get laid!”

The Madam says, “Yeah, come back in ten years.”

“But I wanna get laid.”

The Madam bends down and says, “Kid, get out of here, come back in ten years. Tell you what, g...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Homosexuality is found in over 150 different species, homophobia is only found in two.

We aren't doing enough to exterminate the fag-hating squirrel.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a squirrel with a food fetish?

Fucking nuts.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. "Tarzan not know sex." he replied.

Jane explained to him what it was.

Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.

"Here." she said, pointi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bear is chasing a squirrel in the woods.

They cross a river when, all of a sudden, the river genie appears. Genie: "Well, shit. Two customers. I don't know who triggered this whole thing, so lemme give you 3 wishes. Bear, you start, since you're bigger." Bear thinks for a moment. He smiles: "Ok, I want all the other bears in this forest to...

If you were trying to seduce a squirrel

You'd have to be pretty nuts

I was chasing a squirrel in my back yard. The squirrel ran up a tree.

My car was totaled.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There’s a squirrel sitting in an acorn tree, doing squirrel stuff...

When he notices an elephant approach and begin to climb the tree. He’s baffled and yells down ‘WHAT are you doing?!’

The elephant nonchalantly replies ‘I’m just coming up to eat oranges’. The squirrel snorts and shouts back ‘you IDIOT; this is an acorn tree!’

The elephant, now nearin...

What does a squirrel and a cigarette have in common?

They’re both safe until you light them on fire and put them in your mouth.

Squirrels In Church

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer
& consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there, & they should not interfere with God's divine will.


At the Baptist church, the squir...

There’s a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him.

The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him.

So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him. By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in t...

Where do squirrels go in a hurricane?

All over the place!

If squirrels could tell jokes, they'd be quick and to the point

Because they'd be in a nut shell

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What did the hurricane say to the squirrel?

"Hold on to your nuts because this is no ordinary blow job"

What did the squirrel say to the police dog when it raided its tree house?

...You’re barking up the wrong tree.

Why does a squirrel's tail grow from it's back?

Because there's a squirrel in the front.

my gf asked me why I call her squirrel

me: because you're short, cute, jumpy, have a bushy tail, and are always on my nuts.

Why did the squirrel do a backstroke

To keep his nuts dry

What's 40+40+SQUIRREL!

80HD

My daughter made up that joke when she was 8.

Why did the squirrel judge the drag queen competition?

He is an expert at hiding nuts.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear about the squirrel who had sex with his acorns instead of eating them?

It was fucking nuts

How do you get a squirrel down from a tree?

Pull your pants down and show him your nuts.

Fixed to the spot, the squirrel realised ...

he'd buried the wrong nuts.

Why did the squirrel bury the tuna?

Because if you spell it backwards, it’s a nut.

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone get...

As you probably know, the guards at Buckingham Palace are not supposed to move a muscle.

As you probably know the guards at Buckingham Palace are not supposed to move a muscle. One day one of the guards moved just a bit. The sergeant rushed over and said "George, did I see you flinch?" George replied "Yes sir. You see there was a squirrel in the tree. He ran down the tree across the ...

You are to me what a tree is to a squirrel

A place to put my nut in and forget about.

Two Squirrels GO Camping

They set up a tiny tent and make a tiny campfire. Then, one squirrel pulls out a frying pan and begins to pan fry some twigs. The other squirrel snatches it from his hand and says,

"Are you NUTS?!? This is a non-stick pan!"

What does the squirrel do on his computer late at night?

He nuts.

Squirrels are like cigarettes

The perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and set in on fire

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One of the first "dirty" jokes I heard when I was 10

So Jane sees Tarzan sneaking off one night and goes investigating. She follows his trail and finds him furiously humping a tree-trunk that has a curiously well-used looking hole in it. Initially disgusted, she's mollified thinking, "At least he wasn't doing it with other animals like everybody else ...

What's the difference between a squirrel and a cannibal necrophiliac?

One eats nuts and berries, the other nuts, eats then buries.

Three squirrels were sitting on animal hides...

The first squirrel was sitting on a rabbit hide and weighed one pound. The second squirrel was sitting on a wolf hide and weighed two pounds. And the third squirrel was sitting on a hippopotamus hide and weighed three pounds. This proves that the squirrel on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My best Catholic joke (as told by my priest)

A town decided to form a clergy group to have Catholics, Jews, Protestants and Muslims gather to talk about various issues facing their places of worship. The Rabbi went first and said they were having a terrible issue with squirrels. He said they were hanging around outside of church and aggressive...

How come when a video of a squirrel putting a nut in a dog gets 18k upvotes and is called "Cute"

but when I do it it's a "heinous act" and my dog gets taken away?

What did the Brazilian goose on the balcony say to the squirrel passing by?

I don’t know, I don’t speak porch of geese

The squirrel and the elephant

A squirrel lives in his very own pine tree. One day he feels it shaking, looks down, and sees an elephant climbing the tree.

"What are you doing climbing my tree!?" screams the squirrel

"I'm coming up to have some pears," says the elephant.

"You idiot, this is a pine tree, there...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A genie grants a Bear and a Squirrel each 3 wishes.

Wish 1: The Bear wishes that every bear in the world would become female.

Wish 1: The Squirrel wishes for a motorcycle he can ride.

Wish 2: The Bear wishes that every female bear in the world would fall in love with him.

Wish 2: The Squirrel wishes for a helmet.

Wish 3: T...

Squirrels in the attic

As told to me by a patient today:

A small church out in the country developed a problem when squirrels moved into the attic. They were chewing holes in the insulation and building nests, rotting the soffits and making a lot of noise and generally being a nuisance. The people didn't quite kn...

What did the squirrel do to try and impress his date?

He went out on a limb.

Tried to get on the plane with 3 dead squirrels...

... Apparently I'm only allowed two pieces of carrion.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Saw this squirrel humping an acorn the other day

It was fuckin nuts

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies, "Yes, father. I used the "F-word" over the weekend."

The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."

The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-wo...

I met Jon Snow the squirrel the other day

He knows nutting.

How do you befriend a squirrel?

Just act like a nut.

The Jones didn't have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off, honey. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to....."

"Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.

"You have?" the photographer asked....

One day an old dog lost his way while chasing rabbits

One day an old dog lost his way while chasing rabbits. Soon he noticed a lion in the distance running towards him with a hungry look in his eye.

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, the dog immediately settled down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So Jane asks Tarzan if he knows what Sex is...

He asks, "what sex?". So she explains the mechanics and asks if he's ever done that. Tarzan says, "yes, with hole in tree".

Jane says, "no, no, no, this is where you're supposed to do it", and lays down on the ground with her legs spread open, gesturing Tarzan to mount her.

So Tarzan...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bear and a squirrel were walking through the forest....

When they stumbled on a magic frog who said he would grant them both three wishes.

The bear goes first. "I wish all the bears in the forest besides me were female" said the bear. "Then I'd get laid all the time." "It is so." Said the frog, and all the bears in the forest besides him were fema...

An owl and a squirrel are in a tree watching a farmer go by

The owl turns to the squirrel and says nothing because owls can't talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it's a bird of prey.

I just saw a fat squirrel with two nuts in it's mouth.

Damn I miss my ex.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call it when a male squirrel ejaculates onto a female squirrel's stomach?

Chestnut

How do you catch a unique squirrel?

Unique up on it...

How do you catch a tame squirrel?

Tame way.

What did Bruce Wayne say to the hungry squirrel?

YOU WANNA GET NUTS?

C'mon, let's get nuts.

A kid gets home very distressed...

And says to his mom: "mom someone is calling me crazy at school!!!:
And the mom asks him: "who honey? Who is calling you that?"

"The squirrels! Those goddamn squirrels!!!!"

What's the difference between squirrels and alcoholism?

Squirrels aren't tearing my family apart.

A squirrel is living in a pine tree, when one day it starts to shake and rock...

... so he looks outside and he sees a large elephant trying to climb up the tree.

"What the hell!" the squirrel exclaims. "What the hell do you think you're doing climbing up this tree?!"

The elephant responds. "I'm climbing up here to eat pears."

The squirrel is befuddled. "You...

I met an squirrel at the bus stop

He was standing there with 2 flashlights.
I asked him why he had them with him.
"To scare away the wolfs", he said.
"But, we are in the middle of the city, there are no wolfs here..."

"Told you it works!"

Why did the squirrel blush after he was hit by a car?

He was flattered.

Dang squirrels

There once was a town that was infested with squirrels. They were everywhere and got into everything. The people of the town hated it especially the miller, the blacksmith, and the priest.

One day the miller decides that enough is enough and lays out some poisoned four to kill the stupid thi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I had to file a sexual harassment claim against a squirrel in the park yesterday...

...he wouldn't stop trying to grab my nut sack.

Why don't squirrels mate in the summer?

Because they're storing their nuts for the winter.

Squirrels are like cigarettes.

I used to not be able to get near them. But putting them in my mouth and lighting them on fire is still where I draw the line.

Two cows are talking to each other while grazing....

The first cow says
"Hey I heard there's a case of mad cow disease going around, are you worried?"

The second cow looks at the first and says
"Why should I be worried? I'm a squirrel."

The other day I saw two squirrels making noises at each other as if they were arguing.

You could say they were squarreling.

Friend: man, you got to help me. I hit a squirrel driving my car. I feel awful, what should I do?

Me: Why'd you let it drive your car in the first place?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Squirrel sex

What did the squirrel say after fucking an acorn?

Best nut of my life

3 Churches and a Whole Lot of Squirrels

There once was a small town that was swarmed by wild squirrels. The Squirrels made their home in the town's three churches.

The church leaders all made efforts to remove the squirrels. At the end of the year, all three church leaders met up to compare their results.

The First church ...

A vulture carrying two dead squirrels lines up to board a plane

And the flight attendant says to him, "I'm terribly sorry, sir, but we only allow one carrion."