Cougar Jokes - 39 Hilarious Cougar Jokes

What's the difference between a cougar and a leopard?

A leopard can drag something twice its weight up a tree.

A cougar can drag someone half her age into bed.

I was hiking yesterday when suddenly I ran into a cougar

Almost made me puma pants

When a Cougar gets so old she needs a hearing aid, she becomes a

Def Leppard

What do you get when you cross the mailman with a Cougar?

According to the Paternity Test: Me

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3 men and their wives were walking through a Forrest late at night...

All of the sudden, a large cat crosses their path. Not knowing what to do, the 6 of them stop.

The first mans wife pipes up and says “don’t worry honey, I have to fight off cougars all the time when they try to hit on you at the bar, I got this”

The mans wife approaches the cougar and...

I tried dating a cougar once.

Turned out she was a cheetah.

What's the difference between a bobcat and a cougar?

You ride a Bobcat, a cougar rides you.

I am really scared of encountering cougars when I go on a run

If I ever saw one , I'd Puma Pants .

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I’ve always wanted to have sex with a cougar, haven’t been able to yet.

Damn zookeepers keep getting in the way

I spotted a cougar at the zoo today.

Now it looks like a leopard.

Mother and Daughter Action

A man in his 20's and a few of his friend were at a bar for drinks. A lady in her mid-late 40's sent him a drink, and introduced herself.

Never hit on by a cougar before, our guy in his 20s let her buy him a few more drinks throughout the night as he was enjoying her company. She made it cl...

I was doing some research yesterday about the Dunning-Cougar effect.

It seems the more someone knows about a topic, the less likely they are to claim they know that much. Conversely, the less someone knows, the more likely they'll try to use that information to pick up an older woman in a bar.

So my parents were "debating" at the dinner table the other night

Mom: Cougar is the term used to describe an older woman who desires young men. I'm seeing a double standard here. Why isn't there a term for an older man who desires young women? What is he called?

Dad: Smart.

If a cougar is a woman who likes younger boys... then a man who likes younger boys must be a

Nittany lion!

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A cougar....

A cougar is feeling a little frisky and decides that young Johnny at the store who bags her groceries will be her next conquest.

After she pays for her groceries, Johnny is wheeling the basket out to her car. She leans over to him and says in a low voice, "I have an itchy pussy!"

John...

NEVER fight a cougar

Just give her a fake name and sneak her out in the morning

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A horny old cougar is getting help with her groceries by a strapping young bagboy.

A horny old cougar is getting help with her groceries by a strapping young bagboy.
As he's pushing the cart through the parking lot, she rubs up against him and says
"I've got an itchy pussy..."
The guy doesn't say anything and just keeps pushing the cart.
She rubs up on him again and r...

My neighbor is a cougar into BDSM

You could say she is into strapping young lads.

I just found out my older wife was cheating on me

Turns out she's not a cougar, she's a cheetah

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Forget cougars, I'm a Puma hunter

On the hunt Looking for

Pussy Under My Age

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Itchipussy

A cougar had just finished purchasing groceries. The clerk asks if she would like any help out. The woman, seeing the bag boy was an attractive young man, she says she would. In the parking lot she sees her chance to make a move, and does:

Woman: (whispers) Hey cutie, I've got an itchipussy.<...

What do you call a one-eyed cougar?

A Mountain L on

I’ve never killed a mountain lion

but I choked a cougar once.

A rabbit goes for a run through the forest

As he’s running a cones across a possum about to light up a joint. The rabbit says, “Oh no! Mr. Possum! Don’t do that! It’s so bad for you. Come running with me and stay healthy!” The possum looks at his joint and decides they the rabbit is right and he needs to get healthy. So off they go for a run...

A Rabbi, a Priest, and a Pastor make a bet.

They say, "Whoever goes into the woods and converts the most dangerous animal, wins". So a week goes by and they all return. The Pastor comes back with a rattlesnake and says "He goes to church every week!". The priest comes back with cougar and says "His first he's getting confirmed next month!". T...

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First time cougar at grocery store

A newly divorced 40-ish woman is in the check-out line at the grocery store. The bag boy asks if she needs help out to her car, and he's cute, so she says yes.

When they are into the parking lot, she leans over and says to him, "I have an itchy pussy."

He responds, "I'm sorry ma'am, b...

My buddy has stopped trying to date cougars and is chasing something older!

Are those called sabre-toothed tigers?

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The King of the Jungle [long] [nsfw]

The lion, the king of the jungle, once summoned all the animals to celebrate his new born child. Sure enough all the animals showed up and gazed with awe upon the famous lion's rock.

The lion roared fiercly and all animals awaited silently the big announcement of their king. After a brief mom...

Where do cantaloupes go in summertime?

John Cougar Mellencamp

Some people die from animals, but I was apparently brought to life from one.

According to my Mom, my Dad slept with a cougar once which is how I was born.

It's weird how science works.

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A cougar is at the grocery store.

She fills her cart with all the items on her list and gets to the cashier. While her groceries were being rung up, she happened to glance over and notice the young strapping 17-year old high school boy carry out that was bagging her groceries. She was quite taken by his good looks and build so she t...

What kind of summer camp would a toilet, a mountain lion, and a cantaloupe all go to?

A John Cougar Melon Camp

There’s was a Mother’s Day retreat in the mountains

there were too many cougars

In the early 1970s, researchers discovered that a certain enzyme in a specific breed of seagull chicks granted dolphins that ate them a dramatically increased lifespan…

Hoping that this could be made viable for humans, they started extensive testing.

Unfortunately, the breed of gulls wasn't native to the area around their laboratory.

They sent a research assistant up the coast to gather additional specimens.

On his way back with a truckload o...

A Glasgow woman has reported terrifying multiple sightings of a puma in her local park

Similar events were reported in England, as when the nightclubs reopened, people saw a huge number of prowling cougars.

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So there's this duck...

...and one day he's walkin down the street when he gets a huge craving for some donuts. So he goes to the bakery and walks in and says to the baker "hey man can i get a dozen donuts, half glazed and half boston creme?" And the baker's like "No, you can't. We don't serve ducks here." And the duck's a...

What's the difference between "Daddy" and "Motherf*cker"?

Daddy's not into cougars.

Cougar hunting

Two good Montana buddies were out hunting for a cougar that was
killing their sheep. They staked out an area of the woods near their
fields, and waited. After a while, sure enough, there came the
cougar. They patiently waited until it was close, and then they both
jumped up and shot ...

my face popped a vessel during this

I was at work today, just pricing a huge shipment of tools. This random customer comes up to me, he says Hello. I reply with a kind gesture. He then proceeds with this:
Customer "Do you know what a cougar is?"
Me "yep"
Customer "So, you know that there are two kinds?"
I giggled a bit ...

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