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Somewhere in Siberia

Note: translated from another language(dirty)

Long

Siberia, it's super cold,freezing, a man is crawling, struggling hard, he's on a verge of death. Suddenly he sees a light not far out. Using his last bit of strength he reaches a small house. Knocks on a door. No answer. He opens the d...

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A Siberian joke about a bear

A tourist comes to Siberia for a hike, but wishes to be safe from bears. A local man proposes him to buy a whistle

Tourist: But how do I use it?

Local man: Whistle, the bear will flee, and keep away from bear trails.

Tourist: How do I know where are the trails?

Local ...

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Vladimir Putin is hosting a summit with Donald Trump, Kim Jong-Un, and Justin Trudeau.

As a part of the summit, Putin takes the three leaders to a wilderness area outside of Moscow and dismisses the press corps, and a large wolf in a cage is brought out.


"Friends, this savage wolf was trapped and brought from the wilds of Siberia just yesterday. I want to show you what ki...

An old joke from the Warsaw-pact about a parachuted CIA agent.

The CIA agent is parachuted down to somewhere in Siberia and goes to the nearest village and knocks on the first door, saying he's a lumberjack from the neighbouring village asking for shelter, to which the Russian replies

"No, you're an American spy!"

and then closes the door.
...

Russian man is watching weather forecast on TV and they say that it's -50°C in Siberia today...

In disbelief he calls his Siberian friend:

\- Hey, I've heard is super cold in Siberia these days?

\- Nah, it's nothing special, about -25°.

\- Yeah? On TV they've said it's -50° C!

\- Ah, this must be outside.

Two Russians with two Americans on a sleigh in Siberia

Two Russians and two Americans travel on a sleigh in Siberia.

Suddenly, a pack of wolves appear, getting closer to the sleigh.

First Russian stands up:

- For the sake of the good relationship of our countries, I'll sacrifice myself! - and he jumps off to be torn apart by the wol...

Ever since my girlfriend moved to Siberia things haven't been the same.

She's so cold and distant.

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A reporter visits a small town in Siberia

He interviews the mayor and says: “So tell me a happy story about your people that I can report back to my editors. You know, something you guys are famous for.”

“Oh oh, I know one. So there is this mountain nearby, and anytime something gets lost on the mountain like my neighbor’s goat did o...

Why do you have to nuke siberia twice?

The first one is just to break the ice.

A hunter tribe in Siberia catches a Camel.

They kill it, and wonder what it is. To find out, they ask the best hunter.

He answers "It is not a fox, it is not a rabbit. Ask the chief of the tribe, he might know".

They ask the chief.

He says, "Not a reindeer, and not a seal. I don't know what it is".

As a last re...

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Two Russians saw an advertisement for a job in Siberia.

Vladimir read it from beginning to end, a glowing account of a new town and industrial complex where there was sure to be full employment, high wages, luxurious Government-sponsored accommodation, and shops full of all the necessities and luxuries that roubles could buy. But just as he was reaching ...

The Russian brothers hear the propaganda about Siberia...

how beautiful the weather is, how the shops are stocked with all necessities and luxuries, and prices are low.
Boris worries "Maybe they're just saying that to get people to move out there and work in the salt mines. How can we tell?"
Vladimir thinks a while, and comes up with an idea....

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A reporter goes to make a documentary in a small village in siberia

So a reporter goes to a small village in siberia to make a documentary about it. So he interviews the oldest man in town and asks him to tell him a story that happened in the village. So the old man goes : "Well, there was this one time Vladimir's goat got lost in the woods. So all the villagers gat...

Donald Trump had a secret phone meeting with Vladimir Putin.

At the end of the call, Trump said to Putin, “Vlad, tell me something. How do you know if the people you work with are smart and trustworthy?”

Putin said, “It’s easy Don. I bring them into my office in the Kremlin, I sit them down, and I ask them one question. If they get it right, they stay....

A guy was watching TV in Moscow, and the weather forecaster says that it's -35C (-31F) in Irkutsk, Siberia.

The guy is impressed, and he remembers that he had a classmate who moved to Irkutsk. So he finds his number and calls him. "Hey, how are you doing? I heard you have really terrible temperature in Irkutsk, right?" "No, why, we have, like, -5C (23F) here", replies his friend. "Oh, and the weather ...

A man from Moscow decides to move to a new collective farm in Siberia.

His family is excited at the possibility of leaving their cramped flat in the city for a nice country house, but they have heard mixed things about the new Siberian farms so the man agrees to go on his own first, and write back to let them know if they should follow him or not.

They know the ...

Deep in Siberia, three prisoners huddle around a small fire and discuss their sentences.

"Every day, I arrived five minutes late to work," says the first. "Because I was careless, I was arrested for sabotage."

"Do not fool yourself," says the second. "Every day, I arrived five minutes early to work. I was arrested for spying."

The third stares quietly at the fire, rocking ...

Workinhg in Soviet Siberia

a German worker gets a job in Siberia; aware of how all mail will be read by censors, he tells his friends: 'Let's establish a code: if a letter you will get from me is written in ordinary blue ink, it is true; if it is written in red ink, it is false.' After a month his friends get the first letter...

Cold War Era Joke: The chairman of the Communist party decides to go check how his fellow comrades are doing. He walks into a dreadful cinema and sits down. Before the movie starts, there is 15 minutes of communist propaganda, with him giving a boring speech at the end. Everyone stands up and

Starts clapping and cheering enthusiastically.

The chairman is so humbled and stays seated, soaking in the love.

A few minutes into the cheering the guy on his left bends over and whispers directly in his ear.

"Comrade, I know how you feel, but if don't want to be sent to Siberi...

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A tired man decides he needs to get away from it all

He quits his job, packs up his belongings, and flees to a remote region of Siberia.

After days of hiking through the cold, he stumbles upon a small tribe entirely comprised of men.

“A visitor has found our humble community!” the tribe’s leader announces. “Come, join us brother!” The wh...

Cold War Era Joke: This Russian dude had a talking parrot. A very special parrot who loved cursing the regime, and the Communist party leaders. One day, hard knocks on the door, "KGB, open up!". The guy hides the parrot in the freezer. The KGB searches the apartment and cannot find the parrot.

The KGB agents give the guy a warning. Once they leave, he runs to the freezer takes out the shivering bird and hugs it and tells the parrot to curse the revolution. The parrot is mum. "Com'on curse Brezhniev , curse the KGB. The parrot looks at the guy and says "I've just been to Siberia! I'm not t...

Putin and Obama meet in Moscow

They're debating the merits of their respective societies. They argue about moral values and which country is doing better.

Obama: I've heard that all Russian are alcoholics.

Putin: That's a Russophobic myth. I bet there's not a single drunk out in Moscow tonight.

Obama: I don'...

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So this guy applied to leave the USSR. Part of the process was random police searches for anti soviet material. Unfortunately for him, he had a parrot that would curse Stalin in language that would make a sailor’s ears bleed.

One day he hears a knock on the door. The loud rapping of the KGB. Thinking quickly, he grabs the parrot and stuffs him in the freezer where he was hoarding a frozen chicken. The KGB do their inspection and leave with a grunt of approval. Once they leave he gets the half frozen parrot out and thaws ...

French, Italian and Russian are talking about what are the best things in the world

French: Walking in Paris with my Jacqueline, dinner at the restaurant, candles, cheese, white wine, after which we go to my place and gently make love until morning.

Italian: Strolling through Venice with my Francesca, dinner at the restaurat, candles, pasta, red wine, after which we go to my...

An alien was sent to earth to make contact with the human race...

He crash lands in the woods of Siberia. Wandering around, he spots two men sitting by a tree, drinking.He thinks what's the best way to make contact. After a while, he approaches them:

"I am Salurn".

"Pour him some vodka, Ivan. It's quite cold. Let him warm up"

He accepts the dr...

Different ethnic groups in the USSR have a meeting.

Each group has a representative, who must talk about what it is like living in the soviet union (and praise lenin and communism along the way if they don't want to get killed).

The Chukchi people live in Siberia, and haven't had it so great under soviet rule. Their representative begins to sp...

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What was the tallest building in the Soviet Union?

KGB Headquarters. You could see Siberia from the basement.

Soviet joke

Three men have to share a hotel room in Chelyabinsk during a congress. Naturally, in the evening, they start drinking. One thing leads to another, and they find themselves telling political jokes. Concerns that any of the others may be KGB informants or that the room may be bugged are readily dissol...

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Richard Gere starts searching for meaning of life.

I translated this joke from my native Serbian language, spelling might not be perfect. Ok.

Richard Gere starts searching for meaning of life. He learn that there is in Texas one very smart guy, and that he can help him, he goes there and ask him "Can you tell me what is meaning of life?".
...

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USSR jokes about America

My dad told me this one was a classic when he lived in the former Soviet Union:

So as you know, Russia and America would send spies against each other frequently. All American spies were mandated to learn Russian and all Russians English.

Well so, the American spy gets dropped off in ...

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Is funny because joke does not work in Russian.

Guy is loading missile onto truck at silo in Siberia sometime in middle of night. He stops to take shit in freezing cold.

Next day, investigator leans over shit and says "It would appear thief took *two* ICBM"

While we're on the subject of Russian jokes...

Here's one I have heard about the gulag. A little background: many jokesters ended up doing time in Siberia, and obviously couldn't be heard telling jokes while they were there. So, they invented a system where each joke was identified by a designated number.
Let's call [this joke](http://www.red...

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