UPJOKE
huntsmanhuntwolfextinctionpredationbowgamepredatorhunter-gathererantelopetrapperfisherchaserecreationpoaching

Two Irish hunters from Belfast hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They bagged six.

As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only three moose.

The two Irishmen objected strongly, stating, "Last year we shot six moose and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as you...

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses

He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The three hunters story

This is a joke my grandfather used to tell. He just passed away so I thought I'd share it here.

Three friends decided to take a hunting trip. The first friend was a genius and succeeded at everything he tried. The second friend was an average Joe and got through life just fine. The third fri...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The drunk Norwegian hunters

Three Norwegian hunters had been out on their yearly hunting trip. The hunt had been a great success as they all bagged a deer.

So now they were drinking around the campfire like the tradition was after a successful hunt. The three celebrated hard and long since it was the first time they al...

A pair of hunters went moose hunting and chartered a small plane to carry them.

At the end of the day, they had bagged six moose and were abou to load them in the plane.

The pilot disagreed with them, saying the plane could only take four safely.

The hunters argued, saying that last year, the pilot had allowed them to carry all six onboard on the same plane.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three hunters meet

Three hunters meet and praise how good their dogs are.
First:
- I went hunting once - I took the rifle and forgot the ammunition. I gave the dog to sniff a rifle, then he brought a box of ammunition.
Second:
- I went hunting once - I took the ammunition and forgot the rifle. I gave the d...

Three hunters found a set of tracks in the forest.

The first hunter says, "These are deer tracks".

"No", the second hunter says. "These are wolf tracks".

The third hunter is about to say something, when they are all hit by the train.

Why do Scotsmen make good ghost hunters?

Because after they enter a house there’s nae spirits left

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One night at a local bar frequented by a bunch of deer hunters who were waiting for the opening day of deer season…..

the local sheriff scoped out the joint for possible drunk drivers.
As he waited, eventually a patron stumbled out of the bar, fumbled for his keys, tried them in three different cars until he finally found his, got inside and rested his head on the steering wheel. The deputy knew he had his drunk...

Hunters

A carload of hunters, looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmers yard. The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt.

The old farmer said, "Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor? That old mule standing over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I do...

An Austrian archaeological team has recovered the bodies of several perfectly preserved neolithic hunters from within a mountain glacier. When asked for comment, American actor, Haley Joel Osment said:

Icy dead people.

Two hunters are walking through the woods when they come across a large hole.

It's so deep that they can’t see the bottom. One hunter goes looking for something to throw down the hole hoping to see how deep it is.

He finds a rusty old anvil near by and throws it down the hole. The hole is so deep they never hear it hit the bottom.

Suddenly, they hear speeding h...

Bear hunters

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.
He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.
He ran pretty fast but ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The rabbit was running away from two hunters

He stoped for a second to tell the old shepherd something, and continued running.
Soon the hunters caught up and asked the old shepherd: "Have you seen the rabbit passing through here?"

Shepherd without hesitation answerd : "Yes he passed through here."

Hunters wanting to make fun...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys, Billy and Bob, head out in the woods, hunting for bear...

They hike to where their tree stand is, in the thickest part of the forest, set their bait, climb into the stand, hunker down and wait. Before too long, a small black bear comes by to check out the bait, and the hunters shoot it dead. They climb down and begin the work of butchering the carcass, whe...

Did you see the episode of House Hunters with King Henry VII?

He was looking for a Lancaster House with a Tudor garage.

Two Minnesota hunters travelled south to Iowa, one winter, to hunt deer.

After tracking a big stag for miles they finally get it in their sites and take it down.

As they struggled dragging the dead animal across the snowy, open fields, back to their pickup, they were stopped by a DNR officer and he asked to see their hunting licenses and stamps.

Assured...

Women love hunters

Top 10 most important men for women:-

1. The doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes"
2. The dentist because he says, "Open Wide"
3. The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown"
4. The milkman because he says, "Do you want it in the front or in back?"
5...

Bigfoot

Why do bigfoot hunters try to lure him out with mating calls? Do they have a game plan for if a sasquatch comes barreling towards them out of the woods, with a raging hard on?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 hunters chat about their hunting stories

2 hunters talk about what has happened to them and the first one says... "Once, when I was in Africa and I was hunting I feel something is behind me... so I turn around and see a huge lion right behind me ...so I start running in order to escape but it was getting closer and closer but when it just ...

Three hunters go into the forest

One is really good, one is ok, and the third one is bad.

the first day, the good hunter goes out and comes back after a few hours with two deer. Astounded, the other two ask how he did it. he says "simple. I see deer tracks, I follow deer tracks, I see deer, I shoot deer, and bring it home fo...

Two hunters were walking in the woods...

One of them stops and says, "Whoa, whoa! Watch out for that hole!".

They both stop and look down what appears to be the deepest hole they'd ever seen, right in the ground in front of them.

"How deep is that?", one of them asks the other.

"I dunno, let's throw something down an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Its 1848 and two hunters from Boston are on a buffalo hunting expedition. They've hired the famous Blackfoot tracker, Grey Owl to track and locate buffalo for them.

As they follow Grey Owl's trail, they catch sight of him just ahead.

Grey Owl has his ear to the ground, and as the two hunters get close he says, "Three wagons, each pulled by four oxen pass this spot 20 minutes ago!"

The hunters are blown away! This is amazing! One of them asks, "Can...

A hunter on vacation

He had travelled far from the city and into the country side, and payed a man to hunt deer on his grounds. After many hours he saw the biggest deer he had ever seen, just on the boundary to the neighbouring farm.

He decided to shoot and he hit the deer. However it staggered onto the neighbour...

What do car hunters do with a dead limousine?

Taxi-dermy

Two hunters were walking around in the woods around twilight

One of them grabs the other and pulls him back from a 6-foot diameter, perfectly smooth hole.

"You saved my life" says the hunter. "I wonder how far down that hole goes..."

So they find an old anvil and throw it in the hole. As they're listening for the anvil to hit, a goat comes runni...

Two hunters lost in the woods

They had been lost for a long time and were both starving. While walking, one of the hunters notices a tree that has thin slices of meat hanging from it. He yells to the other and points towards the tree: "Look, we're saved!!! There's a BACON TREE!!!". He starts running for the tree when all of a su...

A couple of hunters go out into an unfamiliar woods.

They're stopped by the Game Warden who asks them, "I don't recognize you fellers from around here. Do you boys know your way around these here woods?"

"Well no, but we can find our way out after we get our deer."

"Okay, but if you do happen to get lost, just fire 3 shots in the air. Th...

Although its great for getting out of trouble with bounty hunters

Han's tendency to shoot first did not make Leia very happy.

Two hunters are tracking a deer when they stumble upon a deep hole...

They can’t see the bottom of this hole and were wanting to see how deep it went. One of the hunters found an anvil next to the hole and threw it down. They were waiting to hear the thud of the anvil hitting the ground but they didn’t hear anything. Suddenly, the hunters heard a charging sound. The h...

What's the difference between a black bear and a grizzly bear?

In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear confrontations, the Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and be alert for bears while in the field. …We advise that outdoorsmen wear small bells on their clothing so as not to startle b...

One morning, three hunters, a Frenchman, an Irishman, and a Czechoslovakian, entered the forest to hunt bears...

One morning, three hunters, a Frenchman, an Irishman, and a Czechoslovakian, entered the forest to hunt bears. Being somewhat exhausted, the Czech said, "*I'm tired. Why don't you two go hunting? I'll stay here and make up camp for the night.*"

The Frenchman and the Irishman continue hunting ...

Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. Suddenly, one of them is knocked out.

The other hunter panics and calls 911. The emergency responder says “911, whats your emergency?” The hunter replies “My friend just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he could be dead!” The emergency responder replies “OK, first, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent and the resp...

3 hunters were walking in a forest when they came across some tracks.

One hunter claims they were bear tracks.

The second frowns, and says "No, those are certainly badger tracks."

The third just laughs and says, "Honestly! You two crack me up! Those are *obviously* baby elephant tracks!"



And then the train hit them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys lost in the woods

Two hunters are lost in the woods and looking for a way back to town. As they wander through the forest they come upon train tracks. It's decided that one would follow it south, the other would follow north. If neither found civilization after five miles, they would turn around and meet back up.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Hunter's Resilience

Two deer hunters had decided to go hunting on opening day of the season. They had left in the afternoon because both had day jobs and could not get time off.

About halfway to their turn-off they see a sign that reads, "Aunt Gracy's Diner, Next Exit". They were ahead of schedule, so both agree...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two hunters are out in the woods. One of them gets his penis bitten by a poisonus snake.

Two hunters are out in the woods. One of them gets his penis bitten by a poisonus snake.

The first hunter tries to call for help, but he has no service so he climbs up a high tree while his friend waits for him in agony at the bottom. Almost at the top, he finally gets a signal on his phone ...

Why do penny-pinchers make great hunters?

Because they’re good at picking up cents

Two hunters were having a chat in a bar

One of them says, "You know, I was hunting at the South Pole once and I see a big seal right within range. So I aim carefully and I take the shot and kill it. After about half an hour of walking through the nastiest blizzard, I see the biggest walrus I had ever seen in my life. I don't even aim, I j...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two hunters are walking through the woods...

Hunter 1- “I need to take a shit, but I don’t have anything to wipe with.”

Hunter 2- “do you have a dollar?”

Hunter 1- “yeah....”

Hunter 2- “just go behind that tree and use the dollar to wipe, I’ll wait.”

Hunter 1 disappears behind a tree for about 15 minutes, and when h...

My sister-in-law accidentally won a beauty pageant for vampire hunters

She's the new Miss Stake.

Two hunters are lost in woods.

After spending several hours wandering through the woods, Bob and Jim are thoroughly lost. Disorientated, they sit down to discuss what to do next. "Hey, I have an idea," says Bob. "If we each fire three shots into the air, someone will hear them and come to help us."

Jim agrees, so each of ...

Three dudes go hunting.

The first morning, hunter #1 heads out into the woods. He’s gone for like an hour, and comes back dragging a handsome 10-point buck.

“How’d you find it?” ask the other two.

“Well, I followed the tracks and I followed the tracks and soon enough, BLAM, out of nowhere there’s this deer!...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of four lifelong hunters decided to end their careers in the best way possible.

They'd taken down the most dangerous game to be found, all over the world. From saltwater gators, to bull elephants. They were renowned worldwide for having bagged a giant squid some few years back, but they were getting on in age and knew that they'd be unable to keep up with the youngsters before ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two hunters are stalking through the forest...

...when one says to the other that he has to take a dump.
''Well, go in the bushes.''
''What should I use to wipe my ass?''
''Use a dollar bill.''
A few minutes later the hunter steps out of the bushes with shit all over his hands.
“What happened?” asks his friend.
''I didn't have...

Two hunters are on a trip...

...when suddenly, one of them clutches his chest. He coughs, he wheezes, then he falls over. Panicked, the other hunter takes out his cellphone and calls 911. He explains the situation:
"I'm hunting with a friend of mine and I'm afraid he's just had a heart attack. I think he's dead. What can ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two hunters are out in the middle of deer season.

One hunter suddenly feels an intense urge to answer natures call and excuses himself to the bushes.

The second hunter, remaining in the deer blind, finds his prey, kills, and cleans the kill without his friend ever showing up. He goes off to find his buddy, soon discovers him asleep, sitting...

Hunters Birthday Present

What do you give a hunter for his Birthday.

A Birthday pheasant

Hunter...

Two hunters fly to Kenya, where they bag six gazelles. As the crew is loading the small plane to return, the pilot says the aircraft can take only four gazelles back.

“Last time, the pilot let us take all six, and he had the same plane as yours,” argues the first hunter.

Reluctantly, t...

Two hunters are walking through the woods when they stumble upon a large hole in the ground.

The first hunter says to the other, "That looks really deep. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how far it goes."

To find out how deep it really is, the hunters toss some nearby pebbles into the hole and try to listen for when the pebbles hit the bottom. None of the pebbles make a sou...

Two hunters found a deep hole in the woods...

One hunter looked down in the hole and said to the other, "how deep you think that hole is?" The other hunter said "I don't know, lets throw somethin' down in there and see how long it takes to hit the bottom."
There was an old transmission laying next to the hole so the hunter picks it up and th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the mushroom hunter who was terrible at finding edible mushrooms, so would resort to stealing them from the baskets of other hunters?

He had no morel compass.

Why do bear hunters always save the arms?

They have the right to bear arms.

Two hunters were hunting in the woods

When one of them spots a hole in the ground that looks unusually deep. He picks up a rock and throws it in the hole, and never hears it hit the bottom.

"Try something heavier", the other man suggests. They find an old railroad tie nearby, pick it up and throw it down the hole. Two seconds lat...

The deer hunters

Two guys are going deer hunting the next morning. They're over at one guy's house cleaning their rifles and sighting the rifles in, when the first guy says to the second "Hey, there's a naked guy in your bedroom with your wife!" The second guy hands him two shells and says,"Here, shoot her in the he...

A bunch of vampire hunters needed to talk

So they scheduled a stakeholders meeting

Why did the two ghost hunters fail at their job?

They were a pair o' normal investigators.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.