A church has a rat problem

The church doesn't want to kill the rats so they trap them and release them far away, but the next day they are back.
Next they try ask them politely to leave, still they won't budge.
Finally the priest has one last idea, he baptized all the rats.

Now they only come at Christmas and Eas...

What do you call a rat with allergies?

Rat a-choo ouille.

(I'm sorry for ruining your day)

A man walked into a bar. He sat down and asked the bar tender "If I impress you, can I have a free drink?". The bar tender said sure, so the man reached in his pocket and pulled out a tiny piano. He then pulled out a small rat and set it by the piano. It crawled on to the bench and began playing

music. The bar tender was amazed, so he gave the man a beer. Next, the man said "If I impress you even more, can I have free drinks for life?". The bar tender didn't think it was possible, so he agreed. The man pulled a frog out of his pocket, and it began to sing by the piano. The bar tender smiled...

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes...

Excuse me, there’s a large rat in the bathroom!

Barista: You mean a Venti rat.

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What do you call when you mix brandy, shitake mushrooms, rat poison and a dash of vanilla essence?

The ambulance

Finally revealed: the leading cause of death for rats and mice

Research scientists

Why do rats suck at taking pictures?

Because whenever they say "Cheese!" they all scatter to find it.

What will a rat never tell you?

A squeakret.

In India rats are celebrated...

but in Hungary they Budapest.

Two professors of economics were walking down a road when they saw a dead rat.

The older one said - “If you eat this, I’ll pay you ₹10,000”. The younger one makes a quick cost-benefit analysis and finally eats the rat.

The younger professor experiences a bad after-taste and wants the older professor to experience the same. When he sees another dead rat on the road, he ...

Where do mice and rats go to get drinks?

At a Squeakeasy!

Rat: Hey, where are you going?

Snail: To a new year's party.

Rat: But 2020 is a month away.

Snail: I know, I better start sprinting.

What do a gym rat and a heart have in common?

They both be pumpin iron 24/7

It was supposed to be year of rat.

But it became the year of bat instead.

Lion and Rat

A Mouse and Giraffe’s affair

A mouse and a lion walk into a bar, and they're sitting there chugging away at a few ales when a giraffe walks in.

"Get a load of her," says the mouse, "I fancy that!"

"Well, why not try your luck?" says the lion.

So the mouse goes over to the...

What do you call Rats that live on a star?

Palindrome.

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We all know "little Johnny" is a troublemaker. This is his story. NSFW for language-is that a thing?

One day little Johnny comes to school and the teacher says "today we're going practice using the alphabet. I'll start at the beginning and I want all of you to tell me a word that begins with that letter and then use that word in a sentence." She says "alright, who can do A?" Several students raise...

Researchers have recently started using lawyers instead of rats in their lab experiments.

You don’t get so attached to them, and there are some things a rat just won’t do.

A man asks for his wife on his deathbed

Man: Dear I have to tell you a secret.

Wife: You don’t have to.

Man: I must. I cannot leave this world with this secret. Please forgive me.

Wife: Ok, tell me.

Man: I have a mistress.

Wife: I know. I found out earlier today. Now stop resisting and let the rat poiso...

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I realize i have an irrational fear of rats.

I didn't realize there would be so much wildlife in this city.One late night I was walking past this huge pile of garbage.Inside one of the trash bags there was a lot of movement.Really aggressive.It was starting to scare the shit out of me.My only thought was,"Oh God,I hope it's a baby.Please,plea...

At the laboratory, what did they name their first experimental subject?

Lab rat Tory

For as long as I can remember, I've had a thing about pigeons.

I think they're fascinating creatures, robust, hardy birds that thrive the world over yet can live on just breadcrumbs and worms.

It was 'pigeon this' and 'pigeon that' as a child, my mom used to joke that I'd BE a pigeon if I could.

It was a bit of a struggle maintaining relationsh...

Two rats sit in a dustbin and eat a DVD.

Two rats sit in a dustbin and eat a DVD.
Suddenly, one says:
- You know Stefan, the book was better. (͡ ° ͜ʖ ͡ °)

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I tell my dates I have a PhD in sex talk.

They are not as impressed when learning my dissertation was on the "effects of female ultrasonic vocalization on male impotence in rats"

So our boss just banned overly specific nicknames.

Now our whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner

Baby rat and mommy rat were walking down a dirt road when a bat flies by

Baby rat turns to his mom and says:

-Look ma, an angel.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we will begin our descent soon," the Scottish pilot announced, as he took a hit and passed the joint to his copilot.

The copilot shakes his head. "Look, I'm not gonna rat you out to air traffic control," he says. "But please, *please* stop asking me to call you 'The Highlander.'"

What do you call a rat that lost its leg?

A pi-rat

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Surprising horse

A couple from London, John, Sarah and their 6 year old son Jimmy, win £8 million on the lottery and they decide to fulfill their lifelong dream - to quit the rat race and buy a farm with animals in the countryside.

They eventually find the property of their dreams and make arrangements to bu...

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Little Johnny Walked into his dad's bedroom [NSFW]

one day only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding on a condom. Johnny’s father, in an attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed.

Little Johnny asked curiously “What ya doin dad?”

His father quickly replied, “I thought I ...

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An old Russian Communist is on his deathbed.

His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,

"Vasya, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh, no worries buddy." says Vasya.

The Communist then ...

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A burnt out advertising executive decides he has had enough of the rat race & buys a property way out west

No electricity, no phones - no company. He has read everything he can &, after a few weeks is getting a bit bored. One afternoon he seens the dust coming up way in the distance coming towards him, a while later a crusty old bushie gets out of a battered holden ute and puts out his hand. "Hello m...

Rat Dreams

David goes to a doctor.
David : Doctor, I see weird dreams.... Rats play soccer in my dreams.
Doctor : I see... I'll write you some tablets. Start taking them from tonight.
David : Can I please start taking them from tomorrow?
Doctor : Why from tomorrow? Why not before going to bed toni...

a Chinese farmer...

a Chinese farmer spent all his money on seeds, but they didn't germinate--the seeds were fake.

Facing financial ruin, he decided to kill himself and his whole family, so he put rat poison into the family dinner, but they all survived--the rat poison was fake.

To celebrate the family's...

Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How's about a second go but this time lose the hat

Ratatouille's Remy hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender,

"If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. ...

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An elderly woman with a shaky voice walks into a sex shop and asks, "Do y-y-ooou-u s-s-sell vib-b-rat-ors?", the store worker told her "Yes we do, ma'am."

She replied, "H-h-how d-do I t-turn-n it off-ff?"

A botched surgery

Recently I had an old childhood friend over for some drinks. Catching up with him over the course of the evening I learned that he had gone on to become a surgeon. So, I asked him if he could check out a lump that had grown on my wrist. He set down his beer and and looked it over and declared, "W...

Cigarettes are like rats

They are both harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire

A friend got me a rat wearing a tank top for Christmas.

He said, “It’s a gymrat. I hope he works out for you.”

What if we strap tiny C4 to rats and send them over to Europe...

it would start an all new Boombonic plague.

What do you call a Rat living in subway?

Underrated.

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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.

"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's com...

It’s my cake day so here’s a little cake joke for you all...

What do rat’s like to eat on their birthday?
Mice cream and cake

I’ll see myself out.

A rat along with two of his best buddies walk into a bar

the bar had to be shut down due to health violations.

Mice and cream

Once there was a country mouse, and a city mouse.
The city mouse got eaten by a cat.
Maybe he shouldn’t have lived in the city.

Something something, rat race.

What did Pablo Escobar say when he was ratted out by members of his own cartel?

"I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you Medellín kids"

Tears stream down Brutus’ face as he realizes what he’s done. He feels the rodent tug his hair purposefully, and like a marionette he plunges the knife deeper into his old friend’s back. Their eyes meet and Julius Caesar whispers his last words:

“Rat tu, touille?”

Is your refrigerator running?

Because I might vote for it

15 dollars for a rat trap, 3 dollars for cheese

Coming home to find a house not full of droppings?. Miceless.

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A Wall Street stockbroker decides to go off the grid completely

He’s had enough of that dog eat dog lifestyle and the stress and rat race of NYC.

So he buys a cabin in a remote part of the Adirondacks. Closest neighbor is miles away on a neighboring mountain. Pure solitude, nature, zero cell phone service, no electricity.

Months go by and he has ze...

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by bea...

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A heavy set guy was showering at the gym when a gym rat hollered 'Hey man, how long since you seen your dick'? hahaha. 'Why dont you diet'?

Replying...'why, what color is it now'?

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Three mice are arguing over who is the hardest mouse.

The first mouse says, "I'm so hard I eat cheese with rat poison".

The second mouse says, " That's not as hard as me, I snort rat poison for breakfast".

The third mouse walks away and the others ask why it is leaving. The third mouse states, "I don't have time for this, I'm off to fuc...

This is finally going to be my year.

My friends in jail have been telling me for years that I'm a rat.

Happy Chinese new year

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My girlfriend always takes long showers after watching movies starring Chris Pratt

I don't know what she's doing in there, but it gives me lots of time to jerk off to Chris Pratt.

I'm thinking of leaving the rat race and becoming a cannabis farmer.

It's a kushy job.

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A tenant goes to the landlord and tells him there are mice in his apartment

-I know these kinds of hoaxes, it wont work on me, but let me see those "mice" you're talking about - says the landlord.

So they go to the apartment that is right on the top of the building, they open the door and ... no mice whatsoever.

The landlord angrily asks the tenant why he so b...

I work at a pharmaceutical research lab, and we managed to kill a rat with marijuana today.

To be fair, it took around 20 lbs of it and we had to drop it on him a few times.

“Well, why are you crying?” - Fairy asked.

"Because everything is oooov... is oooov.... is over!"

Cinderella wept so violently that she could barely speak. And, even more so, to listen. Fairy decided to wait. Let the goddaughter calm down a bit.

A few minutes later, Cinderella blew her nose in the apron and said almost calmly...

What do you call a firm, brittle, dry rodent that also happens to be an actor.

crisp rat

What Do you Call a Marriage Between a Rat and a Fox

The Biggest Merger in Film Industry

What do you get when you mix a rat and an elephant?

Who cares? It's a relephant.

A man gets tired of the rat race and decides to join a monastery...

...

On his first day the Monsignor tells him, "Brother, to be a monk here you must take a vow of silence that will only allow you to speak two words every 10 years. Do you consent?"

The man agrees and is assigned various duties to perform along with his meditations and such.

Af...

What do you call a rat that has reached enlightenment?

A Buddha-Pest

Crow joins two other feasting on a dead rat...

says - a murder, eh?!

Excuse me, there's a large rat in your restroom.

Me: Excuse me, there's a large rat in your restroom.

Starbucks Employee: I'm sorry, what was that?

Me, leaning in: I said there's a large rat in your restroom.

Starbucks Employee: I'm sorry dear, I didn't quite get that.

People In the Store: *Look at me like I'm an idiot*...

Pick up line for a one-armed gym rat.

I go two tickets to the gun show, you want the extra?

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Little Johnny is learning the alphabet...

And you guys all know little Johnny, right? The kid is *no good.* He uses any excuse to disrupt class and say something rude. And his teacher is going through the alphabet and asking for examples of the letters.


"Who can tell me a word that starts with 'a'?"

Johnny's hand shoots up...

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A teacher is running through the ABC’s with her Kindergarten class...

For each letter, she calls on one of her students to give her a word that starts with that letter.

But one of her students likes to swear a lot, and she doesn’t want to call on him and have him say bad words in front of the whole class.

So she goes through the entire alphabet until s...

One day, a guy went into a store,

One day, a guy went into a store, just browsing. He suddenly saw a statue of a rat made of bronze, and thought that it was interesting. He decided to buy it, and so he did.


The guy walked out of the store, carrying the statue in his arms. Suddenly some rats started following him. ...

My friend's a scientist and accidentally chilled his lab rat to absolute zero...

At first the rat was just frozen, but he's 0K now.

I'm in a band called Arrogant Rat

We're like Modest Mouse but way better

I just ordered a Chinese takeaway

I just ordered a Chinese takeaway from a local place just been to pick it up and as i was driving home, I heard the bags rustling and moving!!!
I thought what the hell is that? Has something got in the bag? I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out
I was driving so I leaned forwa...

Hospitality

The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "Yo...

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Today, i will be calling all the cockroaches and rats

Today, i will be calling all the cockroaches
and rats in my house for a meeting so we can discuss how we will be sharing the rent because i don't know who owns the house anymore.

The old man was sitting on the examining table in the doctor’s office having his hearing checked.

The doctor poked his light scope in the old man’s ear and said, “Hey, you have a suppository in your ear!”

“Rats,” said the old man. “Now I know where my hearing aid went.”

Why do the Ninja Turtles attack Shredder 4 on 1?

Because their master is a rat.

What do you get when you cross a Rat and a Mountain Climber?

Nothing, you can't cross a vector by a scalar.

I bought a Chinese takeaway last night

On the drive home I saw the bag was rustling. I looked inside and saw two eyes staring back at me. Panicked, I thought it was a rat or a mouse.

I pulled it out the bag as quick as possible.

Turns out it was just a Peking Duck!

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A fly is hovering six inches above a lake.

What it doesn’t notice is that nearby a fish is watching thinking “If that fly drops six inches in going to have myself a nice meal”.
What the fish doesn’t notice is that behind him there’s a bear watching, he’s thinking “If that fly drops six inches that fish is going to attack the fly, I’m goin...

Mating Bull

A man takes his wife to the stock show. As they start heading down the alley that had all the bulls, they come up to the first bull's stall and the sign in the stall read: "This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year. You could lea...

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An 80 year old blind man walks into a pub and sits at the bar.

He orders a pint and tells the landlord, "I've been blind for 50 years lad. My hearing's perfectly attuned. I bet can tell you what's happening in any room in this pub."

"Oh really", says the landlord, "go ahead then".

The old man cups a hand round his ear, tilts his head to the ceil...

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Little Johnny

A teacher drew a deer on the board and asked the children to name it.

One child raised his hand and said it's a horse. Another one said its a rat.

So the teacher decided to give them a clue: "It's what your mom sometimes calls your dad."

"I've got it." said little Johnny, "It...

What is the difference between rat poison and diet coke?

Diet coke has better advertising.

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Three mice are bragging to each other in a bar.

The first one brags, "I am one bad ass mouse! In my hood, we have huge mousetraps. I take the damn cheese out of all of them."


The second one brags, "Well, I'm a bad ass mouse too. In my hood, I mix rat poison with my milk and chug it down every night before I go to bed."


T...

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Where does a prostitute go to rat out her pimp?

To a hoe-tell.

I hear scientists have recently started using lawyers as opposed to rats for scientific experiments...

They do this for two reasons;

One, The scientists become less attached to the lawyers.

And two, there are certain things that even *rats* won't do.


(This is a joke from the film, **Hook**. I never realized how funny it was)

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Three Hard Mice

Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says: "When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie o...

What to you call a obese mouse?

A PIE-RAT

What do you call ratting out the President's daughter for smoking weed?

High treason.

A Scottish man visits Canada for the first time

He goes for a hike and sees a moose. He asks the park ranger,
“Oi! What animal is that then?”
“That’s a moose,” the ranger replied.
“A moose!” exclaimed the Scotsman, “If that there’s a moose, dear laddie, ye must have rats the size of elephants then!”

French scientists announced that they can finally successfully clone a rat!

Thank goodness! This will solve the huge rat shortage.

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A synagogue is having a major rat problem

Every time the rabbi holds a sermon, people can't help but notice that there are rats running every which way. The rabbi tries setting out rat traps, hiring exterminators, doing everything he can, but each and every week, the rats are back.

Finally after one sermon, as the room is clearing ...

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I saw nothing.

The first speaker, a lady from England stood up and said, "During last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself! After t...

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Me: Hello, Arnold? T-800, I need your help

Arnold: I’m not a terminator anymore, I’m retired

Me: But my house is filled with cockroaches & rats, please help!!!

Arnold: How‘s that my concern?

Me: If you’re retired doesn’t that make you an exterminator?

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In the year XXXX, two scientists discover how to time travel. One of them tries to test it.

After a few minutes, he returns and tells the other: ''Our ancestors had to deal with a lot of shit: they forced women to give birth to the seed of their own family members, they were treating rats as unnatural spawns of the devil sent for harming the children...''



The other one repl...

Ant suicide

So i saw two ants crawling into a box full of rat poison...

I guess they were committing PESTICIDE

ok i'll leave

A cop is sitting by the highway in his patrol car.

Suddenly, a Mercedes goes screaming past at twenty over the speed limit. The officer turns on the sirens and races after the speeder.

When its driver sees the police cruiser, the Mercedes pulls over without incident. The officer goes up to its window, expecting to find a rich kid out for a j...

How many rats does it take to screw in a light bulb...

Two, but you have to wonder how they got in the light bulb.

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Guy gets sick of the rat race and...

....moves to the country. After about six months, he gets a little lonely for company so he's happy when a nearby farmer comes over.
They're sitting on the porch having a couple beers when the farmer asks,

*"Would you like to come to a party at my house next friday?"*


Guy say...

A man walks into a diner one day and orders a bowl of chili but the waitress says she gave the last of it to a guy sitting nearby who is just staring at it.

After watching him not eating for a while, the first man asks him, "Are you going to eat that?"

The second man replies, "No, you can have it if you want."

So the first man takes the bowl and starts eating.

About halfway through the bowl, he's chewing when he feels a crunch. He l...

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