The 108+ Best Rat Jokes

A church has a rat problem

The church doesn't want to kill the rats so they trap them and release them far away, but the next day they are back.
Next they try ask them politely to leave, still they won't budge.
Finally the priest has one last idea, he baptized all the rats.

Now they only come at Christmas and Eas...

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An old Soviet communist lies on his death bed, on the verge of death. His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says, "Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh comrade, it is In the past and all is forgiven" says Dimitri.

The Communist then turns to another friend.

"Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag? Well, it was me who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me."

"No more hard feelings, my friend. You are f...

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3 rats are having a drink at the bar, bragging about how hardcore they are.

first rat says, "Guys, last night I ate a whole block of rat poison. woke up this morning, didn't even have a hangover."

"That's nothing," says the second rat. "I ate the cheese out of a rat trap today; the bar came down over my back and I just hoisted it hoisted it off and came here to meet ...

Why do rats suck at taking pictures?

Because whenever they say "Cheese!" they all scatter to find it.

According to the Chinese Zodiac, 2020 was the Year of the Rat

So we've been spending the entire year holed up, only briefly leaving to get food, running at the sight of other humans, and transmitting infection.

Two professors of Entire Economics were walking down a road when they saw a dead rat

The older one said - “If you eat this, I’ll pay you $10,000”. The younger one makes a quick cost-benefit analysis and eats the rat.

The younger professor experiences a bad after-taste and wants the older professor to experience the same. Suddenly he sees another dead rat on the road and dare...

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Three rats are at a bar telling stories on how tough they are....

The first rat takes a shot and says, "Whenever I find rat poison, I like to crush it up and do lines just to get a good buzz for the day."
The second rat takes a shot and says, "That's nothing! Whenever I find cheese on a mousetrap, I purposely trip the spring & right before I get crushed I ...

What do rats like on their birthday?

Mice cream and cake!

C'mon, you know the rules!!

I thought it would be a real ethical conundrum when the PETA Headquarters got a rat problem

But they just did what they do to all the dogs they rescue.

What do you call a tattoo’d rat? [OC]

Tattatouille

(My first post here, hope I did okay)

An Irish priest has a rat problem...

He tries everything to get rid of them. Traps, poison, setting cats loose in his church. Nothing works, and they are starting to deter some of his regular attendees because they see the rats during communion.

One day a Bishop is visiting and the priest tells him his woes.

"Hav...

The one rat asked the other rat if he’s had the vaccine?

Nope, they’re still testing it on humans

Let’s see how that goes

What did one lab rat say to the other?

*"I've got my scientist so well trained that every time I push the buzzer, he brings me a snack."*

What will a rat never tell you?

A squeakret.

What do you call a rat with a machinegun ?

Ratatatatataouille

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes...

I have two pet rats in love with each other

They just got encaged.

A pidgeon and a rat walks into a bar

So now im looking for a cleaner place to grab a drink

Lion and Rat

A Mouse and Giraffe’s affair

A mouse and a lion walk into a bar, and they're sitting there chugging away at a few ales when a giraffe walks in.

"Get a load of her," says the mouse, "I fancy that!"

"Well, why not try your luck?" says the lion.

So the mouse goes over to the...

Two rats sit in a dustbin and eat a DVD.

Two rats sit in a dustbin and eat a DVD.
Suddenly, one says:
- You know Stefan, the book was better. (͡ ° ͜ʖ ͡ °)

A man sees a life-sized rat statue in an old junk store.

And he isn't sure why, but he finds the rat statue very interesting and decides to buy it. Afterwards he's walking down the street holding the statue under his arm when he looks behind and sees two rats following him. A few minutes later there are more. Soon there are dozens or even hundreds of rats...

How do you get rid of a New York rat?

Why a New York D.A. of course.

A man goes into a shop in Chinatown and sees a gold sculpture of a rat.

He can't stop staring at it. It's like something is calling out to him. He asks the old man behind the counter "How much for the statue?"

The old man strokes his beard and replies "$10 for the statue, $100 for the story."

"Story? Forget that I'll just take the statue," the man says. He...

I'm gonna quit the rat race and become a sculptor.

One of my mates did it, and he's already made six figures!

The Brass Rat

One day a guy was browsing in an antique shop. He didn't find anything he liked and was about to leave, when suddenly at the back of a shelf he spied a brass rat. It was fascinating, the detail was incredible, he couldn't take his eyes off it. He brought it up to the counter to ask how much it wa...

Rat vs lawyer

What's the difference between when a lawyer gets killed by a car and a rat that gets killed by a car?

There were no skid marks for the lawyer.

My friend's a scientist and accidentally chilled his lab rat to absolute zero...

At first the rat was just frozen, but he's 0K now.

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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

The bartender considers it, then agrees.

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.

He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
...

What did Pablo Escobar say when he was ratted out by members of his own cartel?

"I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you Medellín kids"

What is the difference between a rat and a squirrel?

Answer: The puffy tail.
Moral: never underestimate the power of marketing.

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Arnold Schwarzeneggar never has mice, rats or cockroaches in his house

He is an ex Terminator

What do rich folks and rats have in common?

They’re leaving New York City

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An elderly woman with a shaky voice walks into a sex shop and asks, "Do y-y-ooou-u s-s-sell vib-b-rat-ors?", the store worker told her "Yes we do, ma'am."

She replied, "H-h-how d-do I t-turn-n it off-ff?"

What do you get when you mix a rat and an elephant?

Who cares? It's a relephant.

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Adam Sandler told the funniest joke I've ever heard. It's about Shaq.

So Sandler relays the story below:

I was playing basketball and got the opportunity to play with Shaq. It was great. Afterward it just so happens that I'm in the showers and it's just him and me in adjoining showers. So I think to myself, I've got to see his penis. This is my one chance. I've...

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I'm the toughest.

Three mice are drinking at a bar talking about which one is the toughest. The first mouse takes a shot and says "I'm so tough the people living in my house put rat poison out, and I simply grab it, break it up, and put it in my morning coffee!"

The second mouse takes a shot and says "That's n...

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Remy the Chef Rat sits down on his therapist's couch.

His therapist says, "Remy, I haven't seen you in a while. How is everything going?"

Remy says "It's terrible. You know how I left my restaurant chef job to start my own brewpub? Well the health department just shut it down."

She says, "Oh no, Remy, that's horrible."

"And on top ...

15 dollars for a rat trap, 3 dollars for cheese

Coming home to find a house not full of droppings?. Miceless.

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A rat an an elephant are walking around when the rat falls into a hole.

The rat panics as the hole was deep and he couldnt get out. The elephant looks at the situation and offers help.

“I know this isnt’t ideal but youre gonna have to trust me”

The rat desperate and exhausting all other options he asks for the elephants idea

“Im gonna stick my pen...

When I opened my oven door a big rat ran out.

I tried to shoot him but he was out of my range.

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NSFW Egyptian Joke about a rat, a lion, and a lioness

One day, a rat came across a lion and his lioness, then said "Fuck you, Lion!". The lion stayed calm and the lioness asked him "Won't you kick his ass up ?!".
"He's a just a stupid rat and doesn't worth the effort" The lion replied.

The very next day, the rat came across the lion and the ...

A joke from my 10-year-old - what kind of car would a mouse or rat drive?

A Mouse-or-ratty

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There were two rats living in a sewer.

There were two rats living in a sewer. One rat turns to the other and says, "I'm sick of this!"

"Sick of what?" replies the other rat.

"Sick of shit for breakfast, shit for lunch, shit for dinner, shit for tea - shit all day long. I'm just sick of it," says the first rat.

"Don't...

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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.

"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's com...

My mate quit the rat race to become an apple farmer, and now he's whining about how much work it is.

So I told him to just grow a pear.

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So my Chinese Zodiac is a rat, and I was conceived and born out of wedlock

I'm very much a Rat Bastard.

My best friend is a Hare for her Chinese Zodiac, and she was planned. — She's clearly a hare-brained scheme.

A man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I took the Lord's name in vain while golfing."

"I understand, my son," the priest says. "I play the game as well, and it can be frustrating. What happened?"

"Well," the man says, "I hit my drive on the fifteenth green and it sliced to the right, into the trees."

"Was that when you did it?" The priest asked.

"No, the ball b...

Rat Dreams

David goes to a doctor.
David : Doctor, I see weird dreams.... Rats play soccer in my dreams.
Doctor : I see... I'll write you some tablets. Start taking them from tonight.
David : Can I please start taking them from tomorrow?
Doctor : Why from tomorrow? Why not before going to bed toni...

Two lab rats are talking…

One says “Are you going to get that vaccine?” The other says “Are you crazy? They haven’t even finished the human trials yet!”

What do you call a rat crossing the road?

Please answer soon I need to know

Here it is, the Chinese year of the rat has begun...

And here I am still writing year of the boar on my checks.

Why did the rat say "woof"?

Because it wasn't a rat, it was a chihuahua

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An 80 year old blind man walks into a pub and sits at the bar.

He orders a pint and tells the landlord, "I've been blind for 50 years lad. My hearing's perfectly attuned. I bet can tell you what's happening in any room in this pub."

"Oh really", says the landlord, "go ahead then".

The old man cups a hand round his ear, tilts his head to the ceil...

Researchers have recently started using lawyers instead of rats in their lab experiments.

You don’t get so attached to them, and there are some things a rat just won’t do.

WANTED: Large amount of rats, mice and bed bugs

… as my current rental agreement requires me to leave the apartment in the condition it was when I moved in.

It was supposed to be year of rat.

But it became the year of bat instead.

Where do mice and rats go to get drinks?

At a Squeakeasy!

I work at a pharmaceutical research lab, and we managed to kill a rat with marijuana today.

To be fair, it took around 20 lbs of it and we had to drop it on him a few times.

What do you call it when you throw rat poison at a bird of prey?

ill eagle

Why did the rat go to the eye doctor?

He was having problems with his ratinas.

Why does Ron love his pet rat so much?

Because it's the Pet-he-grew up with

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What do you call when you mix brandy, shitake mushrooms, rat poison and a dash of vanilla essence?

The ambulance

Rat: Hey, where are you going?

Snail: To a new year's party.

Rat: But 2020 is a month away.

Snail: I know, I better start sprinting.

What do a gym rat and a heart have in common?

They both be pumpin iron 24/7

Cigarettes are like rats

They are both harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire

Excuse me, there's a large rat in your restroom.

Me: Excuse me, there's a large rat in your restroom.

Starbucks Employee: I'm sorry, what was that?

Me, leaning in: I said there's a large rat in your restroom.

Starbucks Employee: I'm sorry dear, I didn't quite get that.

People In the Store: *Look at me like I'm an idiot*...

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beat...

How many lab rats does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

More than 500, but we've exhausted our funding.

Don't bother joining the rat race.

Even if you win, you're just a rat...

A Brass Rat

A collector of brass objects was strolling around an old antique market when he spotted a long forgotten brass rat pushed into a far corner of one of the shops.

The purchase was soon made and the man departed. However, he hadn't gone too far when he noticed a rat running up behind him and wit...

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An elephant is walking through the jungle

She steps over a fallen tree and gets a splinter in between her toes. She tries and tries to get it out but just ends up wedging it in deeper, driving her to tears.

She can't move much and is in a miserable state. Along comes a mouse.

"Please, Mr. Mouse, take this splinter out of my fo...

Why do rats run into a trap for a little bit of cheese? They are so stupid.

Oh, honey, I'm home!

Baby rat and mommy rat were walking down a dirt road when a bat flies by

Baby rat turns to his mom and says:

-Look ma, an angel.

In India rats are celebrated...

but in Hungary they Budapest.

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A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown.

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

...

A friend got me a rat wearing a tank top for Christmas.

He said, “It’s a gymrat. I hope he works out for you.”

What do you call a rat that lost its leg?

A pi-rat

A rat along with two of his best buddies walk into a bar

the bar had to be shut down due to health violations.

Finally revealed: the leading cause of death for rats and mice

Research scientists

What do you call Rats that live on a star?

Palindrome.

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A burnt out advertising executive decides he has had enough of the rat race & buys a property way out west

No electricity, no phones - no company. He has read everything he can &, after a few weeks is getting a bit bored. One afternoon he seens the dust coming up way in the distance coming towards him, a while later a crusty old bushie gets out of a battered holden ute and puts out his hand. "Hello m...

Jesus and Moses

One beautiful day in Heaven, Jesus and Moses were fishing in a lake. After a while of silence, Jesus asked Moses, "Hey Moses, can you still do it? You know... 'Your thing'?" Moses then answered, "I don't know, let me see if I still got it!"

He then stood up and drew his arms forwards, and the...

I'm in a band called Arrogant Rat

We're like Modest Mouse but way better

What Do you Call a Marriage Between a Rat and a Fox

The Biggest Merger in Film Industry

What do you call a rat that has reached enlightenment?

A Buddha-Pest

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Today, i will be calling all the cockroaches and rats

Today, i will be calling all the cockroaches
and rats in my house for a meeting so we can discuss how we will be sharing the rent because i don't know who owns the house anymore.

What does a hiccup and a rat have in common?

They both tell your wife you've been drinking.

taken from r/FollowThePunchline

What do you call a Rat living in subway?

Underrated.

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When I was in law school, I was rejected by all fraternities because I was circumcised.

Apparently you need to be a complete dick.

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Guy gets sick of the rat race and...

....moves to the country. After about six months, he gets a little lonely for company so he's happy when a nearby farmer comes over.
They're sitting on the porch having a couple beers when the farmer asks,

*"Would you like to come to a party at my house next friday?"*

Guy say...

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Where does a prostitute go to rat out her pimp?

To a hoe-tell.

Crow joins two other feasting on a dead rat...

says - a murder, eh?!

I'm thinking of leaving the rat race and becoming a cannabis farmer.

It's a kushy job.

A man gets tired of the rat race and decides to join a monastery...

...

On his first day the Monsignor tells him, "Brother, to be a monk here you must take a vow of silence that will only allow you to speak two words every 10 years. Do you consent?"

The man agrees and is assigned various duties to perform along with his meditations and such.

Af...

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I realize i have an irrational fear of rats.

I didn't realize there would be so much wildlife in this city.One late night I was walking past this huge pile of garbage.Inside one of the trash bags there was a lot of movement.Really aggressive.It was starting to scare the shit out of me.My only thought was,"Oh God,I hope it's a baby.Please,plea...

A Man Has Been Drinking All Day At A Bar...

A man has been drinking all day at a local bar and checks his watch.

"1:30am, rats. I need to go home now or my wife's going to kill me", he thinks to himself. But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly on the floor.

"I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up."

...

Who is a deep fried rodent’s favourite actor?

Chris Pratt

What do you get when you cross a Rat and a Mountain Climber?

Nothing, you can't cross a vector by a scalar.

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This is the worst joke I know. "A mad scientist is developing an immortality serum..."

"...and so far it works perfectly in cell culture, in worms, in mice and rats, and in racoons. Next step is testing it in dolphins. As she's reaching for the syringes for her test subjects, she notices that she's run out of serum and has to prepare a new batch. The primary ingredient is a chemi...

What is the difference between rat poison and diet coke?

Diet coke has better advertising.

French scientists announced that they can finally successfully clone a rat!

Thank goodness! This will solve the huge rat shortage.

I hear scientists have recently started using lawyers as opposed to rats for scientific experiments...

They do this for two reasons;

One, The scientists become less attached to the lawyers.

And two, there are certain things that even *rats* won't do.

(This is a joke from the film, **Hook**. I never realized how funny it was)

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A synagogue is having a major rat problem

Every time the rabbi holds a sermon, people can't help but notice that there are rats running every which way. The rabbi tries setting out rat traps, hiring exterminators, doing everything he can, but each and every week, the rats are back.

Finally after one sermon, as the room is clearing ...

A man walks into a diner one day and orders a bowl of chili but the waitress says she gave the last of it to a guy sitting nearby who is just staring at it.

After watching him not eating for a while, the first man asks him, "Are you going to eat that?"

The second man replies, "No, you can have it if you want."

So the first man takes the bowl and starts eating.

About halfway through the bowl, he's chewing when he feels a crunch. He l...

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The Brass Rat

A man, visiting San Francisco, noticed a musty curio shop, which seemed to be forgotten by time. It seemed very out of place in the busy city. The man's curiosity was piqued, and he entered the shop. The store didn't seem to have much traffic, and the shelves were full of dusty, but interesting item...

Pick up line for a one-armed gym rat.

I go two tickets to the gun show, you want the extra?

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Guy goes into an old Chinese Curiosity Shop in New York. Looking at all the strange, and unique items, he spots a large stuffed rat...

... It being very large and strange, the gentleman decides that it would be a great conversation starter for his office.

He approaches the old Chinese man behind the counter and pays for the large stuffed rat, but as he is leaving he swears he can hear the old Chinese man cackling behind...

What do you call ratting out the President's daughter for smoking weed?

High treason.

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