A church has a rat problem

The church doesn't want to kill the rats so they trap them and release them far away, but the next day they are back.
Next they try ask them politely to leave, still they won't budge.
Finally the priest has one last idea, he baptized all the rats.

Now they only come at Christmas and Eas...

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An elderly woman with a shaky voice walks into a sex shop and asks, "Do y-y-ooou-u s-s-sell vib-b-rat-ors?", the store worker told her "Yes we do, ma'am."

She replied, "H-h-how d-do I t-turn-n it off-ff?"

It’s my cake day so here’s a little cake joke for you all...

What do rat’s like to eat on their birthday?
Mice cream and cake

I’ll see myself out.

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender,

"If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. ...

What do you call a rat that lost its leg?

A pi-rat

Baby rat and mommy rat were walking down a dirt road when a bat flies by

Baby rat turns to his mom and says:

-Look ma, an angel.

A friend got me a rat wearing a tank top for Christmas.

He said, “It’s a gymrat. I hope he works out for you.”

Crow joins two other feasting on a dead rat...

says - a murder, eh?!

The Golden Rat

One day a man walks into an antique shop and inquires about a small statue of a rat made of gold. The owner replies “Ah yes that item. The rat is fascinating but beware of the consequences, and you must know we have a no-returns policy.”

The man is fine with this and pays for the item and lea...

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A burnt out advertising executive decides he has had enough of the rat race & buys a property way out west

No electricity, no phones - no company. He has read everything he can &, after a few weeks is getting a bit bored. One afternoon he seens the dust coming up way in the distance coming towards him, a while later a crusty old bushie gets out of a battered holden ute and puts out his hand. "Hello m...

Rat Dreams

David goes to a doctor.
David : Doctor, I see weird dreams.... Rats play soccer in my dreams.
Doctor : I see... I'll write you some tablets. Start taking them from tonight.
David : Can I please start taking them from tomorrow?
Doctor : Why from tomorrow? Why not before going to bed toni...

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes...

Lion and Rat

A Mouse and Giraffe’s affair

A mouse and a lion walk into a bar, and they're sitting there chugging away at a few ales when a giraffe walks in.

"Get a load of her," says the mouse, "I fancy that!"

"Well, why not try your luck?" says the lion.

So the mouse goes over to the...

An old man was playing golf on a cloudy day.

The man wasn't very good at golf. Usually, he just hit the ball into a nearby River or another hard-to-reach place. This time, though, he had gotten 4 hole-in-ones, with 2 holes to go.
The 17th hole was by a river. The man putted the ball right into the river, making a large splash. "Agh!" He exc...

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My girlfriend always takes long showers after watching movies starring Chris Pratt

I don't know what she's doing in there, but it gives me lots of time to jerk off to Chris Pratt.

Two rats sit in a dustbin and eat a DVD.

Two rats sit in a dustbin and eat a DVD.
Suddenly, one says:
- You know Stefan, the book was better. (͡ ° ͜ʖ ͡ °)

What if we strap tiny C4 to rats and send them over to Europe...

it would start an all new Boombonic plague.

Where do mice and rats go to get drinks?

At a Squeakeasy!

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A heavy set guy was showering at the gym when a gym rat hollered 'Hey man, how long since you seen your dick'? hahaha. 'Why dont you diet'?

Replying...'why, what color is it now'?

A cop is sitting by the highway in his patrol car.

Suddenly, a Mercedes goes screaming past at twenty over the speed limit. The officer turns on the sirens and races after the speeder.

When its driver sees the police cruiser, the Mercedes pulls over without incident. The officer goes up to its window, expecting to find a rich kid out for a j...

Cigarettes are like rats

They are both harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire

Excuse me, there's a large rat in your restroom.

Me: Excuse me, there's a large rat in your restroom.

Starbucks Employee: I'm sorry, what was that?

Me, leaning in: I said there's a large rat in your restroom.

Starbucks Employee: I'm sorry dear, I didn't quite get that.

People In the Store: *Look at me like I'm an idiot*...

What do you get when you mix a rat and an elephant?

Who cares? It's a relephant.

SQUIRRELS IN CHURCH

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an ...

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So I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink...

When a buff guy walks in staring down the entire bar. He walks up to me, grabs my drink and downs it. He slams the glass back onto the table so hard I thought it was gonna break . I looked in disbelief and he asks "What are you gonna do about it bitch?"

I start crying from being so intimidate...

15 dollars for a rat trap, 3 dollars for cheese

Coming home to find a house not full of droppings?. Miceless.

What do ghetto rats and suburban soccer moms have in common?

They both enjoy the BBC.

Pick up line for a one-armed gym rat.

I go two tickets to the gun show, you want the extra?

I had a lab rat who had a heart attack and fainted

Had to perform Mouth-to-Mouse resuscitation on him

I'm thinking of leaving the rat race and becoming a cannabis farmer.

It's a kushy job.

There was once a land, far away, and many years ago, that had three kingdoms around a triangular lake.

There was once a land far away and many years ago that had three kingdoms around a triangular lake. They often warred and casualties were fierce. So they agreed to hold a tournament of all their champions on an island in the middle of the lake. The first being rich and influential sent twenty Knight...

I work at a pharmaceutical research lab, and we managed to kill a rat with marijuana today.

To be fair, it took around 20 lbs of it and we had to drop it on him a few times.

Cheating at a College Exam

It was finals time in college and the exam for a professor was inside of a large dining hall. There were moderators who were grad students for the professor, and they walked around.
One moderator spotted a student looking at another's paper, and copying. So the moderator went to the professor an...

What do you call a rat that has reached enlightenment?

A Buddha-Pest

A man gets tired of the rat race and decides to join a monastery...

...

On his first day the Monsignor tells him, "Brother, to be a monk here you must take a vow of silence that will only allow you to speak two words every 10 years. Do you consent?"

The man agrees and is assigned various duties to perform along with his meditations and such.

Af...

A rat along with two of his best buddies walk into a bar

the bar had to be shut down due to health violations.

I hear they're using lawyers in laboratory testing instead of rats..

apparently you don't get that attached to them as you do with the rats.

A concerned husband goes to his priest...

"Father, I think my wife is trying to poison me. Every time she makes me something to eat, the rat poison bottle gets lighter and lighter."

Troubled by hearing this, the priest tells the man, "I will go and speak with your wife and see what is going on here."

The priest then heads to t...

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Today, i will be calling all the cockroaches and rats

Today, i will be calling all the cockroaches
and rats in my house for a meeting so we can discuss how we will be sharing the rent because i don't know who owns the house anymore.

When you put catnip in a scratching board to encourage cats to scratch it, you think it’s cute when they use it.

But I would think that from their point of view, it’s more like a crack addict that dropped a rock through a grate and is trying to get it back.

A drunk walks into a bar...

A drunk walks into a bar carrying a shoebox and says "Hey bartender, if I show you something amazing, will you give me a free drink?"

Bartender shrugs, and says "Well, it'd have to be something pretty amazing. Let's have it."

Guy pulls a rat and a tiny piano out of the shoebox and se...

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What do you call a big black rat that steals all your food?

A Rat-Coon


Hope you guys are light hearted enough to not be offended.

My friend's a scientist and accidentally chilled his lab rat to absolute zero...

At first the rat was just frozen, but he's 0K now.

There is a plan to stop experimenting on lab rats, and use Lawyers instead.

1) There are more Lawyers than lab rats.

2) The scientists don't get as emotionally attached to the Lawyers.

3) There's some things you just can't convince rats to do.

I'm in a band called Arrogant Rat

We're like Modest Mouse but way better

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Rick is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Carl.

...after taking some time to size Carl up and decide that he can trust him, Rick tells Carl about his plan to escape.

"You see, " Rick says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into its co...

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Three mice are bragging to each other in a bar.

The first one brags, "I am one bad ass mouse! In my hood, we have huge mousetraps. I take the damn cheese out of all of them."


The second one brags, "Well, I'm a bad ass mouse too. In my hood, I mix rat poison with my milk and chug it down every night before I go to bed."


T...

What do you call four rats on a mathematical equation?

A quadratic equation :)

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Little Johnny is learning the alphabet...

And you guys all know little Johnny, right? The kid is *no good.* He uses any excuse to disrupt class and say something rude. And his teacher is going through the alphabet and asking for examples of the letters.


"Who can tell me a word that starts with 'a'?"

Johnny's hand shoots up...

What do you get when you cross a Rat and a Mountain Climber?

Nothing, you can't cross a vector by a scalar.

What is the difference between rat poison and diet coke?

Diet coke has better advertising.

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Mom and Dad put Little Johnny to bed...

After going to bed themselves they begin to have sex. Dad is sitting on the side of the bed putting on a condom when Little Johnny opens the bedroom door. Dad drops down on one knee to hide what he is doing. Little Johnny asks, dad what you doing? Dad says, I saw a rat run under the bed. Little John...

French scientists announced that they can finally successfully clone a rat!

Thank goodness! This will solve the huge rat shortage.

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Three Hard Mice

Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says: "When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie o...

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Where does a prostitute go to rat out her pimp?

To a hoe-tell.

Guy goes into an old Chinese Curiosity Shop in New York. Looking at all the strange, and unique items, he spots a large stuffed rat...

... It being very large and strange, the gentleman decides that it would be a great conversation starter for his office.

He approaches the old Chinese man behind the counter and pays for the large stuffed rat, but as he is leaving he swears he can hear the old Chinese man cackling behind...

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by bea...

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Me: Hello, Arnold? T-800, I need your help

Arnold: I’m not a terminator anymore, I’m retired

Me: But my house is filled with cockroaches & rats, please help!!!

Arnold: How‘s that my concern?

Me: If you’re retired doesn’t that make you an exterminator?

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An American, Russian, and Asian are stranded on a desert island…

… They decide in order to survive they will have to work together and plan on splitting up the day’s work.

The Russian was tasked with building a hut, the American was to search for food, while the Asian was to search for supplies.

Each sets off in their separate directions.

The...

How many rats does it take to screw in a light bulb...

Two, but you have to wonder how they got in the light bulb.

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A synagogue is having a major rat problem

Every time the rabbi holds a sermon, people can't help but notice that there are rats running every which way. The rabbi tries setting out rat traps, hiring exterminators, doing everything he can, but each and every week, the rats are back.

Finally after one sermon, as the room is clearing ...

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In the year XXXX, two scientists discover how to time travel. One of them tries to test it.

After a few minutes, he returns and tells the other: ''Our ancestors had to deal with a lot of shit: they forced women to give birth to the seed of their own family members, they were treating rats as unnatural spawns of the devil sent for harming the children...''



The other one repl...

Three rats in a bar.

Three rats are sitting in a bar. After a few drinks they start arguing about who's more badass. The first rat states:
"Yesterday I've eaten a pound of poison. And what do you think? I'm still here." The second rat responds:
"Thats nothing, I ran into a rat trap and what do you think I'm still...

Why didn't the rat go to college?

It gotten eaten by the bear...and bears don't go to college.

A professor turned up to the class with two rats in a cage..

The professor showed a large cage with a male rat in it.
The rat was in the middle of the cage.
Then, the professor kept a piece of cake on side and kept a female rat on the other side.
The male rat ran towards the cake and ate it.
Then, the professor changed the cake and kept some bread...

I hear scientists have recently started using lawyers as opposed to rats for scientific experiments...

They do this for two reasons;

One, The scientists become less attached to the lawyers.

And two, there are certain things that even *rats* won't do.


(This is a joke from the film, **Hook**. I never realized how funny it was)

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Guy gets sick of the rat race and...

....moves to the country. After about six months, he gets a little lonely for company so he's happy when a nearby farmer comes over.
They're sitting on the porch having a couple beers when the farmer asks,

*"Would you like to come to a party at my house next friday?"*


Guy say...

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The Brass Rat

A man, visiting San Francisco, noticed a musty curio shop, which seemed to be forgotten by time. It seemed very out of place in the busy city. The man's curiosity was piqued, and he entered the shop. The store didn't seem to have much traffic, and the shelves were full of dusty, but interesting item...

If you asked everyone in the world whether they preferred bunnies or rats

The results would be a little lop-sided.

What does a stock broker and a gym rat have in common?

NEED MORE GAINS

I saw the most interesting thing yesterday..

I was walking outside and I saw 2 rats eating a DVD for whatever reason. I stopped and started to watch closely when suddenly one of the rats stops, looks at the other and says “You know Steve, I enjoyed the book more.”

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A man walks into a bar.....

A man walks into a bar, sits down in front of the bartender and looks around.
He says” If I can show you the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen can I get a free drink?”
Bartender replies “I don’t know, I’ve seen some pretty amazing things in my day……sure, if you can top them, free drink on me...

A guy is eating breakfast with his wife....

When he hears a knock at the door, he gets up and opens the door and sees two people


"You need to be saved!" the first person at the door says

"Get outta here with that bullsh\*t" the guy says

"But sir, if you don't get saved, you'll burn!" the second person says

"I...

We ordered a Chinese takeaway last night from a local place (I won't name them)

and as I was driving home, I heard the bags rustling and moving!! I thought what the hell is that. Has something got in the bag, I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out at me. I was driving so I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was agai...

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3 mice sitting in a bar

3 mice are sitting at the bar talking about how strong and fearless they are.

The first mouse says “I take the cheese off the mouse trap and as the bar snaps down I get under it and do about 40 bench presses”

The second mouse says “you know the rat poison that’s lying around, I chop it...

Mating Bull

A man takes his wife to the stock show. As they start heading down the alley that had all the bulls, they come up to the first bull's stall and the sign in the stall read: "This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year. You could lea...

A Scottish man visits Canada for the first time

He goes for a hike and sees a moose. He asks the park ranger,
“Oi! What animal is that then?”
“That’s a moose,” the ranger replied.
“A moose!” exclaimed the Scotsman, “If that there’s a moose, dear laddie, ye must have rats the size of elephants then!”

I didn't pay my electricity company for like 4 months

They were furious and told me they'd send a thug over.

When I saw the guy at my front door I quickly escaped through my backdoor hiding in my neighbour's garden.

The neighbour's kid Billy was playing outside and he told me that he knew what was happening.

If I didn't pay Billy 1...

Aladdin did not have Nipples in Disnets original animated blockbuster film.

I guess you can't milk a street rat.

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A lion waa doing the cocaine

Once upon a time, a bear was smoking the weed. The rat see this.

Rat : why are you wasting your life in this, come with me. Jungle is so pretty.

So the bear and the rat start touring the jungle. They see a wolf doing the meth.

Rat : why are you wasting your life in this, come wi...

A little girl runs to her mum

"Mummy, I just saw a rat as big as an elephant!".
Her mum starts shouting angrily at her: "I told you one hundred thousands billions times not to exaggerate things!"

A young cowboy walks into a saloon and orders a bowl of chili.

The older cowboy next to him says, "here, you can have mine. I'm not hungry"

So, the young cowboy being extremely hungry gobbles up the chili to find a dead rat in the bottom of the bowl. He quickly throws up the chili back into the bowl because he was disgusted.

The older cowboy said,...

A hungry cowboy walks into a saloon

The cowboy sits down at the bar but hes short on money.

He looks around and sees a man staring at a bowl of chili.

Cowboy- "are you going to finish that?"

The man without saying a word or looking up slides the bowl over.

The cowboy starts eating and starts thinking to him...

An scotsman went to norway for vacation

He was going in a taxi , when suddenly a moose crossed in front of them
Scotsman: What was that?
Driver: It was a moose
Scotsman(in heavy accent): Take me back to the airport right now. If the mouse are this big then I don't wanna even see the rats.

So, Will Smith is playing the genie from Aladdin, well then

West Philadelphia born and raised, in a genie lamp is where I spend most of my days. Chillin out back and relaxing all cool til Aladdin showed up with little Abu then a couple of guys who were up to no good..Jafar started taking over my neighborhood. I got in one little fight and my master got scare...

A weird order at the pet shop

A guy walks in a pet shop and says: "I want 2 rats, 7 mice, 190 spiders and a pound of flies."
The guy behind the bar lifts an eyebrow and aks: "You're an owner of snakes?"
"No" said the man. "I am moving and they asked to leave the house in the same state."

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An 80 year old blind man walks into a pub and sits at the bar.

He orders a pint and tells the landlord, "I've been blind for 50 years lad. My hearing's perfectly attuned. I bet can tell you what's happening in any room in this pub."

"Oh really", says the landlord, "go ahead then".

The old man cups a hand round his ear, tilts his head to the ceil...

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