What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?

Beer nuts are always over a dollar, deer nuts are always under a buck.

Goofy, I know, but still makes me laugh 20 years after I first heard it!

ETA: GUYS! Thanks so much for the upvotes, I've never had so many! Y'all made my night!

A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner one night. When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck

So they put the meal on the duck's bill.

A hunter shoots a deer and is pulling it back to his truck

A hunter shoots a deer and is pulling it back to his truck

A farmer passes by and says, "Hey you shot that deer on my property. That makes that deer mine."
The hunter says, "No way, I tracked it, I shot it, it's mine."
The farmer says, "Ok Ok...we'll settle this the old way."
"The ol...

Deer x 3

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.

What do call call a deer with no eyes made out of metal?
Steel no eye deer.

What do call a deer with no legs, no tail, and no torso?
A hat rack.

What do you call a deer that loves being out in the rain?

A reindeer

What do you call a deer without any eyes?

No I-deer

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One night at a local bar frequented by a bunch of deer hunters who were waiting for the opening day of deer season…..

the local sheriff scoped out the joint for possible drunk drivers.
As he waited, eventually a patron stumbled out of the bar, fumbled for his keys, tried them in three different cars until he finally found his, got inside and rested his head on the steering wheel. The deputy knew he had his drunk...

So on my way home last night, I saw some deer on the side of the road.

It looked like they were having a drug deal. Must have been looking to make a quick buck.

(I used this joke on my dad and he thinks my wife is pregnant now)

What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are $1.39, and deer nuts are under a buck

I inherited my uncle's deer breeding business worth 50 million bucks

That's a lot of doe

What do you get when you have 50 female pigs and 50 male deer?

A hundres sows n' bucks

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What do you call a deer with no eyes?

...No eye deer.

What do you call a legless deer with no eyes?

...STILL no eye deer.

What do you call a legless deer with eyes but no balls?

...Still no fucking eye deer!

What do you call a baby deer with no parents?

An orfawn.

Four rednecks are out deer hunting.

After reaching the land where they will be hunting, they pair up and head in opposite directions. At the end of the day Cletus and Billy Ray are walking back to the truck empty-handed when they see Bubba emerge from the forest alone, dragging a very large buck behind him.

"Where's Junior?" C...

Over half the deer in Michigan has contracted covid.

More proof that not only has this disease cost a few bucks, but also a lot of doe.

Two Minnesota hunters travelled south to Iowa, one winter, to hunt deer.

After tracking a big stag for miles they finally get it in their sites and take it down.

As they struggled dragging the dead animal across the snowy, open fields, back to their pickup, they were stopped by a DNR officer and he asked to see their hunting licenses and stamps.

Assured...

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A congressman was seated in first class next to a little girl on an airplane.

He turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman...

Two guys are out hunting deer.

The first guy says "Did you see that?"

“No" the second guy says.

“Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead.”

“Oh.”

A couple of minutes later, the first guy says "Did you see that?"

“See what?"

“Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill,...

The #1 cause for accidents in Georgia is deer.

Which is crazy to me since they can’t drive.

A man had been away from home for 3 days trying to hunt a deer.

Finally, he was able to shoot the largest deer he had ever seen.

He took it home and kept it a surprise from everybody else. He cooked it in the shed so that no one could see what it was.

When he brought the cooked deer to the table, his kids asked what it was.

"It's what your m...

A deer enters a bar...

A deer enters a bar and sits by the bartender. "Whatever's on tap, and keep them coming. I lost a patient today."

The bartender brings over a drink and says, "That's really rough. But I've never met a deer that's a medical practitioner. How did that happen?"

The deer replied, "Well I c...

One time I was walking in the woods and accidentally stepped in some deer guts...

...it was just offal.

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What did the deer prostitute say in her ad?

Get more bang for your buck!

What do you call a deer with hooves in its ears?

Anything you want, he can't hear you!

Three hunters found a set of tracks in the forest.

The first hunter says, "These are deer tracks".

"No", the second hunter says. "These are wolf tracks".

The third hunter is about to say something, when they are all hit by the train.

How did Mozart hunt deer?

With his Wolfgang.

What do you call a deer wearing an explosive vest?

Bombi.

"A very Polite Deer"

A lizard is walking through the forest when he sees a rabbit knocked down. He askes what happened. The rabbit says "It was the deer. He's gone crazy and now he's hitting everyone with a bat, but I gotta say-he is very polite."

The lizard continues down the forest when he sees a bear also kno...

Everyone knows that venison is deer meat

Few know of Vanison, which is what happens when your deer is hit by a van...

and still fewer know about Vennison which shares qualities with both.

What do you call a cheesy baby deer on your lawn in the morning?

Fawn dew.

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An elementary school teacher was handing out samples of deer jerky to anyone who wanted to try it.

It was part of the lesson about pioneer days and she hadn't yet told them what kind of meat it was.


She was giving clues to help the students. "I'm sure all of you have seen one as there are a lot of them around here". No response.

"The males often clash to prove who is toughest". ...

I am finally ready to accept applications for my deer cloning business...

It's for anyone looking to make a quick buck.

What do you think when you see a deer with no eyes?

'Good shot!'

I've been breeding racing deer

Just trying to make a quick buck

An engineer, a carpenter, and a statistian go deer hunting

As they wait in their blind a big buck walks up. The engineer stands up, takes a shot, and misses. "Darn," he says, "two yards to the left."

The carpenter takes a shot and misses. "darn, two yards to the right," he says.

The statistician jumps up and yells "YES! We got him!"

What would happen if Apple bought a deer?

they’d have an idea

2 deer are talking together when another animal comes by, the animal says "don't worry, I'm not going to eat you", so one of the deer responded saying:

"He's lion"

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What is the cheapest kind of meat?

Deer testicles. They're under a buck

What noise does a Deer make?

Depends how fast you're going.

The 3 brothers

Once upon a time, there are 3 brothers, Lowman, Midman, and Highman, they are age 16, 18 and 20 respectively.

One day, they went for hunting as usual. But the eldest brother was lost during the hunt.

The remaining two brothers went back home with a deer but without their eldest bro...

Did you know the white-tail deer can jump higher than the average house?

This is due to its powerful hind legs and the fact the average house can't jump.

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What do you call a deer with no eyes?

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no genitals?
Still no fucking eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no g...

A brilliant scientist successfully creates a lifelike deer cyborg.

Dr. Holmes, after many years of biotechnological research, finally succeeded in his secret project, using funds diverted from his research grant. Because the project needed to be kept off the records, Dr. Holmes kept the deer at home.

The cyborg would grow and develop just as a normal fawn wo...

A farmer joke

You know, nearly all of John Deere machines are good except this one series.





The one with yellow rims.

Yeah, the NRA sounds great, but personally, I prefer Deer Lovers Anonymous.

You get more bang for your buck.

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A man takes a walk with his new girlfriend who he's been dating for three months

About 20 minutes into the walk, they pass a park and see two bunnies mating. The woman says "how does the male bunny know that the female bunny is ready for sex?" The man says "it's natural, the male can smell it".

The couple continues to walk for another 20 minutes and they pass a forest whe...

Two blondes were taking a walk through a bush when they came across a set of tracks.

‘I’m sure they’re bear tracks!’, said the first blonde.
‘No, they’re deer tracks’, said the second blonde, confidently.

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

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A deer had a bar. One day, he found the toilet window broken, so he asked the patrons "Who broke the window!?"

A hare responded "I kinda did..."

The deer asked "What do you mean by "kinda"?"

The hare says: "Well, I was taking a dump and after the bear finished his, he took me and tried to wipe his butt, but then he saw I wasn't toilet paper and threw me right out of the window".

The deer...

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NSFW... A young Indian boy goes to talk to his grandfather.

He asks, "Grandfather, how is it you come to name the members of our tribe?"

Grandfather says, "Well, your father... When he was born I walked out from the birthing hut. I stood up, as I looked to the sky... I saw an eagle soaring in the great breath of the earth. So I named him Soaring Eagle...

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A hunter kills a deer and brings it home for dinner.

His family sits down to eat and he knows both of his kids are picking eaters so he doesn’t tell them what it is. As they eat the kids keep asking what it is they’re eating. Finally the dad says “it’s what your mother sometimes calls me” The first kid looks up at the other as yells “spit it out it’s ...

Three men approach a wishing well one after another

The first, wishes to have one million bucks. Instantly, he is now in ownership of one million wild deer. He sets up a venison business and makes millions

The second wishes for his ex-wife to fall for him again. She instantly trips while thinking about him, and on the way to the hospital, he m...

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A Deer, trying to hook up its Deer friend with a prostitute Deer, is found negotiating very hard with a Pimp Deer on price.

When asked why, it simply says:

I’m just trying to get a bang for my buck.

Hey, has anyone seen the new deer burgers they sell at Walmart?

I heard they only cost a buck.

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Scientists have recently created a new hybrid by mating a male donkey and a female deer.

It isn't very beautiful, but that ass doe

What do you call a pickled deer

A dill doe

Did you hear about the mad scientist who created deer-plant hybrids?

Apparently he wanted to introduce some variety to the local fawna.

A Native American Chief had three wives, all of whom were pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated that he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide.

The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred.

Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the th...

I walked into a store and noticed they were selling deer nuts for $1.25

Every other time I've seen them, they were under a buck.

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What do you get when you cross a deer and a pickle?

A Dildo.

Why did the Chinese government confiscate all deer legs?

Mistook them for moose limbs.

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Can I interview you?

Yes, of course.

Name?

Abdul

Sex?

3-4 times per week.

No, no.. Male/Female?

Yes, male and female. Sometimes Camel.

Holy Cow!

Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general

Isn't that hostile?

Yes, horse style, doggy style, any style
...

TIL a white tail deer can jump higher than a standard house.

A white tail deer with their powerful hind legs can jump 8 - 12 feet high whereas a standard house can't jump.

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A guy walks into a bar with 10 bucks and asks what he can get

The bartender says, "You can get those damn deer the fuck outta my bar!"

Hunting camp always has a bob....

Every morning Bob would walk over to his favorite log to drop his morning log. While doing his business, he would fall asleep, when he woke up, he would have done his business in his sleep. It was a good system.

His buddies knew his morning routine and thought it would be fun to pla...

I meet guy with a deer on the end of each arm

He was bambidextrous

I love my vegetarian-only diet.

Lambs, Cows, Deers, Rabbits. They're all vegetarians and they're delicious!!

Ethnic jokes are unacceptable. They are offensive, and hurtful to those on the receiving end. I see that so much in the Midwest with jokes portraying Norwegians and Swedish people as less than intelligent. It has to stop!

Let’s edit all ethnic jokes to those who are not easily offended, like, for example, the Hittites. The Hittites are extinct, there are no more Hittites in existence, so can we just make all ethnic jokes about them?

For example, there were two Hittites, let’s name them, I don’t know, how...

Which side of a deer has the best meat?

The inside.

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An old, gross joke about deer hunting



*This ancient joke pre-dates the Internet. It is from the South and is best told with a southern accent.*

I was deer hunting in the mountains of North Carolina. After about four hours I shot a nice 400lb buck. While I was hauling the dear back to my truck, I was stopped by the game wa...

Why did the deer lose her job at the bakery?

She was caught sampling the owner’s doe nuts

I traded a deer for some chickens.

Overall it was a good deal. It only cost me a buck.

My father, the deer hunter, lo

My father, the deer hunter, loved to travel. I still remember his advice. “Go to Venice, son.“

Some guy was talking to another guy about deer when he asked a question:

Guy 1: What do you call a deer with no eyes?


Guy 2: What?


Guy 1: No ideer.


Guy 2: ....


Guy 1: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?


Guy 2: ....what?


Guy 1: Still no ideer.

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