What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?

Beer nuts are always over a dollar, deer nuts are always under a buck.

Goofy, I know, but still makes me laugh 20 years after I first heard it!

ETA: GUYS! Thanks so much for the upvotes, I've never had so many! Y'all made my night!

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no idea

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What do you call a deer with no eyes?

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no genitals?
Still no fucking eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no g...

Whats the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts.

Well beer nuts are a buck 75, and deer nuts are under a buck.

Ive opened a deer cloning service

Its for anyone hoping to make a quick buck

"A very Polite Deer"

A lizard is walking through the forest when he sees a rabbit knocked down. He askes what happened. The rabbit says "It was the deer. He's gone crazy and now he's hitting everyone with a bat, but I gotta say-he is very polite."

The lizard continues down the forest when he sees a bear also kno...

What do you call a pickled deer

A dill doe

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A hunter shot a deer which ran into someone else's farmyard.

The hunter went to retrieve his deer but the farmer said it was his because it was on his property. They argued about it. The farmer finally says: “You’re obviously a city feller, but this isn’t the city. Let’s settle this farm style. We’ll take turns kicking each other in the balls until one of us ...

A duck, a skunk & a deer went out to dinner at a restaurant one night.

When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck, so they put the meal on the duck's bill.

Hey, has anyone seen the new deer burgers they sell at Walmart?

I heard they only cost a buck.

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A guy walks into a bar with 10 bucks and asks what he can get

The bartender says, "You can get those damn deer the fuck outta my bar!"

A brilliant scientist successfully creates a lifelike deer cyborg.

Dr. Holmes, after many years of biotechnological research, finally succeeded in his secret project, using funds diverted from his research grant. Because the project needed to be kept off the records, Dr. Holmes kept the deer at home.

The cyborg would grow and develop just as a normal fawn wo...

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A hunter kills a deer and brings it home for dinner

He and his wife decide they won't tell the kids was they're eating. Dad gives them a clue: " What does Mommy call me?" The little girl screams to her brother " Don't eat it! It's an asshole!"

What do you call a deer wearing an explosive vest?

Bombi.

Did you hear about the mad scientist who created deer-plant hybrids?

Apparently he wanted to introduce some variety to the local fawna.

What did the deer say when she came out of the woods?

“That’s the last time I do that for two bucks.”

Deer customer,

You are a deer, get the hell out of here, you’re spreading your ticks everywhere, thank you.

My father, the deer hunter, lo

My father, the deer hunter, loved to travel. I still remember his advice. “Go to Venice, son.“

TIL a white tail deer can jump higher than a standard house.

A white tail deer with their powerful hind legs can jump 8 - 12 feet high whereas a standard house can't jump.

Two Aggies bag a deer

Two Aggies had bagged a deer and were dragging it by the rear legs back to the truck. But the antlers kept getting stuck in the mud. One says to the other, "This is tough but we only got about 1 mile left to reach the truck."

A third hunter saw their dilemma and told them, "If you drag the de...

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A hunter kills a deer and brings it home for dinner.

His family sits down to eat and he knows both of his kids are picking eaters so he doesn’t tell them what it is. As they eat the kids keep asking what it is they’re eating. Finally the dad says “it’s what your mother sometimes calls me” The first kid looks up at the other as yells “spit it out it’s ...

It's true that an NRA membership costs $45 per year, while Deer Lovers Anonymous is $60.

...but you get more bang for your buck.

Why did the Chinese government confiscate all deer legs?

Mistook them for moose limbs.

What did the Guatemalan man do when he saw a deer run across his car’s path on the motorway?

He accidentally ran over it in His panic.

bah dum tss

I traded a deer for some chickens.

Overall it was a good deal. It only cost me a buck.

3 blondes were walking on a path

They came across a set of tracks and were debating about what animal they were from.

Blonde 1: These are definitely deer tracks.

Blonde 2: They are not. These are clearly elk tracks.

Blonde 3: Both of you are blind. These are obviously moose tracks.

That’s when the train ...

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Scientists have recently created a new hybrid by mating a male donkey and a female deer.

It isn't very beautiful, but that ass doe

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A hunter kills a deer and brings it home.

He decides to clean it, prepare it, and serve the deer meat for dinner. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is, so he doesn't tell them.


His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner dad?"


"You'll see", he replies.

...

I was driving down the road at night when a deer jumped in front of my car.

I slammed the brakes and he looked at me . I saw fear in his eyes .

Then he turned and ran for his deer life .

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The current pandemic has caused the price of deer meat to reach all time lows.

Deer testicles are under a buck.

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What did the man say when he ran over a deer with his car?

Fuck.



You were expecting "Oh deer" weren't you?

If you see a deer with out antlers acting crazy dont try to eat it without cooking it first.

Everyone knows you cant eat raw kooky doe.

A hunter shoots a deer and is pulling it back to his truck

A hunter shoots a deer and is pulling it back to his truck

A farmer passes by and says, "Hey you shot that deer on my property. That makes that deer mine."
The hunter says, "No way, I tracked it, I shot it, it's mine."
The farmer says, "Ok Ok...we'll settle this the old way."
"The ol...

Some guy was talking to another guy about deer when he asked a question:

Guy 1: What do you call a deer with no eyes?


Guy 2: What?


Guy 1: No ideer.


Guy 2: ....


Guy 1: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?


Guy 2: ....what?


Guy 1: Still no ideer.

My family did a poll: Should we get grandmother a large deer?

In the end it was a unannymoose decision

After years of practice, I've finally mastered cloning deer...

It's a great way to make a quick buck.

A baby deer has been hanging around my house lately

I'm quite fawned of it

Deer nuts are always the same price worldwide....

Always under a buck! lol


My 11 year old son told me this joke today and thought I'd share with everyone.

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An old, gross joke about deer hunting



*This ancient joke pre-dates the Internet. It is from the South and is best told with a southern accent.*

I was deer hunting in the mountains of North Carolina. After about four hours I shot a nice 400lb buck. While I was hauling the dear back to my truck, I was stopped by the game wa...

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A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane...

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, an...

Two men are organizing a herd of deer.

Two men are organizing a herd of deer.
Seeing as the had 26 deer, they decided to label each one with a letter of the alphabet. As they’re herding them into an enclosure, they realize they only had 25.

“One of them’s missing,” said the first man.

“Oh dear.”

Three hunters go into the forest

One is really good, one is ok, and the third one is bad.

the first day, the good hunter goes out and comes back after a few hours with two deer. Astounded, the other two ask how he did it. he says "simple. I see deer tracks, I follow deer tracks, I see deer, I shoot deer, and bring it home fo...

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Three men go deer hunting.

They've been out there for hours before one of the men finally sees a buck.

He shoots the buck and they're tracking its blood when one of the other guys says "we need to hurry i need to shit."

They proceed to take the dead buck back to camp and start gutting the deer. That's when the...

I want to start a deer breeding business

but first I'm gonna need about 5000 bucks

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A father cooks a deer for dinner and doesn't Tell the children what it is, he gives them a hint and says "it's what your mother calls me"

The son quickly yells out "its a fucking dick don't eat it!"

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Deer Camp

The guys were all at a deer camp.

No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a...

Which side of a deer has the best meat?

The inside.

A Native American Chief had three wives, all of whom were pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated that he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide.

The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred.

Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the th...

Why did the deer cross the road?

To prove he wasn't a chicken

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An engineer, a physicist and a statistician go deer hunting.

An engineer, a physicist and a statistician go deer hunting. They see a massive buck, and the physicist gets to take the first shot.

The physicist takes out a notepad and pencil and starts calculating, "Account for coriolis force, air friction...carry the 9..." Finally the physicist has calcu...

A farmer walks into an lawyer’s office wanting to file for divorce

The attorney asks, “May I help you?” The farmer said, “Yeah, I want to get one of them thar dayvorces.”

The attorney said, “Well do you have any grounds?” The farmer said, “Yeah, I got me about 140 acres.”

The attorney says, “No, you don’t understand. Do you have a case?” The farmer sa...

What do you call a deer that can’t curse?

I don’t buckin’ know.

I walked into a store and noticed they were selling deer nuts for $1.25

Every other time I've seen them, they were under a buck.

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Two hunters are out in the middle of deer season.

One hunter suddenly feels an intense urge to answer natures call and excuses himself to the bushes.

The second hunter, remaining in the deer blind, finds his prey, kills, and cleans the kill without his friend ever showing up. He goes off to find his buddy, soon discovers him asleep, sitting...

I hit a deer with my truck on the way home

And I really don't like it when meat goes to waste, so I guess it's a good thing I got it on the grille right away.

What do you call deer in space?

Star bucks.

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go hunting.

They come upon a deer and the physicist takes a shot that misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist then takes a shot that misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician declares, "We got him!!"

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I was offered a deer in exchange for sex.

I’d say that’s a real bang for your buck.

What’s the cheapest meat out there?

A deers balls, because it’s under a buck.

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A man named Stanley died in a fire accident and his body was burned badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body.

So they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Jim and Allen. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunting camp.
Jim arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Jim said, “The face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him ov...

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Hunting Deer (LONG)

Three rednecks went buck hunting in the woods. John, Bob and Joe.

After a short while, they spot a buck from a far off.

Bob takes aim with hie rifle, fires, grazes the deer, it runs into a thicket and doesn't come out.

After a few minutes...Joe says he'll run into the thicket...

What do you call a group of deer who indulge in domestic violence and blame it on their SO?

Amber Herd

Loud ammunition is better for hunting deer

That way you get more bang for your buck

My sister dressed up as a deer for Halloween.

All my friends fawned over her

A deer was caught trying to rob a bank

He had to pay a couple thousand bucks

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An old sex joke: A conversation between a doc and a patient

"Name?"
"Abdul Aziz."
"Sex?"
"Three to five times a day."
"No, no... I mean male or female?"
"Yes, male, female, sometimes camel."
"Holy cow!"
"Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general."
"But isn't that hostile?"
"Horse style, doggy style, any style!"
"Oh...

What do you call a sleeping pill for a baby deer?

Bambien.

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A man from the back woods took his 12-year-old son deer hunting.

They came to a clearing, and the man pointed to a tree stump. "You go set yerself down on that tree stump. Don't move unless you see a deer. I'm going into the woods and try to scare one your way."

The boy eagerly agreed and plumped down on the tree stump.

After a while of wandering...

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A deer had a bar. One day, he found the toilet window broken, so he asked the patrons "Who broke the window!?"

A hare responded "I kinda did..."

The deer asked "What do you mean by "kinda"?"

The hare says: "Well, I was taking a dump and after the bear finished his, he took me and tried to wipe his butt, but then he saw I wasn't toilet paper and threw me right out of the window".

The deer...

I bought some deer leg nunchucks for $20.

I said, "$20? They used to be under a buck!"

What do you call a country, comprised solely of female deer, giving money to charity?

A doe nation donation.

If you're looking for a cheap or inexpensive meal try deer balls.

I hear they're under a buck.

What did the deer say after prancing around a cloning machine for an hour?

I feel like a Million Bucks!!!

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The Horny Hare and The Bear

In a forest a deer is drowning, the Hare and the Bear jump into the lake and save the deer. The deer transforms into a fairy and gives both three wishes.

The Hare, who is a womanizer, wishes that all hares in the forest are female. The Hare begins to screw its way through the forest.
...

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