What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?

Beer nuts are always over a dollar, deer nuts are always under a buck.

Goofy, I know, but still makes me laugh 20 years after I first heard it!

ETA: GUYS! Thanks so much for the upvotes, I've never had so many! Y'all made my night!

What do you call a deer wearing an explosive vest?

Bombi.

A deer jumps higher than the average house

This is because the average house can’t jump

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idear.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no idear.

Two Aggies bag a deer

Two Aggies had bagged a deer and were dragging it by the rear legs back to the truck. But the antlers kept getting stuck in the mud. One says to the other, "This is tough but we only got about 1 mile left to reach the truck."

A third hunter saw their dilemma and told them, "If you drag the de...

Which side of a deer has the best meat?

The inside.

Two men are organizing a herd of deer.

Two men are organizing a herd of deer.
Seeing as the had 26 deer, they decided to label each one with a letter of the alphabet. As they’re herding them into an enclosure, they realize they only had 25.

“One of them’s missing,” said the first man.

“Oh dear.”

The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left. The chemist shoots at the same deer and misses five feet to the right. The statistician shouts, "We got him!"

Netflix shouts to the statistician, "Your documentary is coming!"

My family did a poll: Should we get grandmother a large deer?

In the end it was a unannymoose decision

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A hunter kills a deer and brings it home.

He decides to clean it, prepare it, and serve the deer meat for dinner. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is, so he doesn't tell them.


His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner dad?"


"You'll see", he replies.

...

Deer nuts are always the same price worldwide....

Always under a buck! lol


My 11 year old son told me this joke today and thought I'd share with everyone.

What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are $1.79. Deer nuts are just under a buck

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A hunter shot a deer which ran into someone else's farmyard.

The hunter went to retrieve his deer but the farmer said it was his because it was on his property. They argued about it. The farmer finally says: “You’re obviously a city feller, but this isn’t the city. Let’s settle this farm style. We’ll take turns kicking each other in the balls until one of us ...

Why did the deer cross the road?

To prove he wasn't a chicken

After years of practice, I've finally mastered cloning deer...

It's a great way to make a quick buck.

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Scientists have recently created a new hybrid by mating a male donkey and a female deer.

It isn't very beautiful, but that ass doe

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An old, gross joke about deer hunting



*This ancient joke pre-dates the Internet. It is from the South and is best told with a southern accent.*

I was deer hunting in the mountains of North Carolina. After about four hours I shot a nice 400lb buck. While I was hauling the dear back to my truck, I was stopped by the game wa...

If you see a deer with out antlers acting crazy dont try to eat it without cooking it first.

Everyone knows you cant eat raw kooky doe.

What did the doe (female deer) say as she was coming out of the woods?

I'll never do that for two bucks again

Did you know the white-tail deer can jump higher than the average house?

This is due to its powerful hind legs and the fact the average house can't jump.

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Hunting Deer (LONG)

Three rednecks went buck hunting in the woods. John, Bob and Joe.

After a short while, they spot a buck from a far off.

Bob takes aim with hie rifle, fires, grazes the deer, it runs into a thicket and doesn't come out.

After a few minutes...Joe says he'll run into the thicket...

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An engineer, a physicist and a statistician go deer hunting.

An engineer, a physicist and a statistician go deer hunting. They see a massive buck, and the physicist gets to take the first shot.

The physicist takes out a notepad and pencil and starts calculating, "Account for coriolis force, air friction...carry the 9..." Finally the physicist has calcu...

What did the deer say when she walked out of the forest?

“That’s the last time I do THAT for two bucks.”

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What did the man say when he ran over a deer with his car?

Fuck.



You were expecting "Oh deer" weren't you?

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Three men go deer hunting.

They've been out there for hours before one of the men finally sees a buck.

He shoots the buck and they're tracking its blood when one of the other guys says "we need to hurry i need to shit."

They proceed to take the dead buck back to camp and start gutting the deer. That's when the...

A baby deer has been hanging around my house lately

I'm quite fawned of it

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Two hunters are out in the middle of deer season.

One hunter suddenly feels an intense urge to answer natures call and excuses himself to the bushes.

The second hunter, remaining in the deer blind, finds his prey, kills, and cleans the kill without his friend ever showing up. He goes off to find his buddy, soon discovers him asleep, sitting...

What do you call a deer that can’t curse?

I don’t buckin’ know.

I want to start a deer breeding business

but first I'm gonna need about 5000 bucks

2 deers at a bar

Two deer at a bar*

Deer 1 says “cover fee is expensive at the doors”
Deer 2 says”no kidding, I had to blow 2 bucks to get in here”

What do you call a group of deer who indulge in domestic violence and blame it on their SO?

Amber Herd

A deer was caught trying to rob a bank

He had to pay a couple thousand bucks

What do you call a sleeping pill for a baby deer?

Bambien.

What did the deer say after prancing around a cloning machine for an hour?

I feel like a Million Bucks!!!

What do you call a country, comprised solely of female deer, giving money to charity?

A doe nation donation.

I hit a deer with my truck on the way home

And I really don't like it when meat goes to waste, so I guess it's a good thing I got it on the grille right away.

What do you call deer in space?

Star bucks.

A hunter shoots a deer and is pulling it back to his truck

A hunter shoots a deer and is pulling it back to his truck

A farmer passes by and says, "Hey you shot that deer on my property. That makes that deer mine."
The hunter says, "No way, I tracked it, I shot it, it's mine."
The farmer says, "Ok Ok...we'll settle this the old way."
"The ol...

A Native American Chief had three wives, all of whom were pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated that he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide.

The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred.

Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the th...

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I was offered a deer in exchange for sex.

I’d say that’s a real bang for your buck.

What’s a deer without eyes?

No eye deer.

What’s a deer without eyes or legs?






Still no eye deer.

What’s a deer with no eyes, legs, or ears?






Def. still no eye dear.

Loud ammunition is better for hunting deer

That way you get more bang for your buck

I walked into a store and noticed they were selling deer nuts for $1.25

Every other time I've seen them, they were under a buck.

Two men decided to go deer hunting and got lost. Then one had a big idea.

Man 1: I heard if you fire in the air three times, it's a universal distress signal. We should try it!

Man 2: Ok, I will do it.

He does. An hour goes by, and no one arrives.

Man 2: What happened? It didn't work!

Man 1: Try doing it again.

He does. Another hour, sti...

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Deer Camp

The guys were all at a deer camp.

No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a...

If you're looking for a cheap or inexpensive meal try deer balls.

I hear they're under a buck.

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A father cooks a deer for dinner and doesn't Tell the children what it is, he gives them a hint and says "it's what your mother calls me"

The son quickly yells out "its a fucking dick don't eat it!"

My sister dressed up as a deer for Halloween.

All my friends fawned over her

One day, a young deer named Frank Lee went out with his mother...

As they were carrying on with their daily business, they came across a river with a beaver building a dam.

The young deer asked his mother, “Why is the beaver building a dam?”

His mother responded, “Not for long. Watch and learn, son.”

The mother then proceeded to destroy and wr...

So Two Blondes are stand on a pair of Tracks

So two blondes are standing on a pair of tracks arguing, “They’re deer tracks”, “No They’re Bear Tracks “

Half a Hour a later they get hit by a train

Two blondes went out deer hunting...

...and they managed to shoot a deer. They started dragging the deer by the hind legs to get it back to their pick up truck.

An experienced hunter saw them and said, "No, girls, you're doing it wrong. You're dragging against the grain of the deer's hair. If you drag by the antlers, you'll...

Why is it a good investment to have 50 female pigs and 50 male deer?

Because then you have 100 sows and bucks.

A little boy gets on the public bus and sits right behind the bus driver. The boy keeps repeatedly saying," If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I'd be a little calf.…"

"If my mom was a hen and my dad was a chicken, I'd be a little chick. If my mom was a deer and my dad was a buck, I'd be a little deer. If my mom was a duck and my dad was a goose, I'd be a little duckling."

The bus annoyed bus driver stops the bus and turns to the boy saying, "What if your m...

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An american, A French , and a Japanese survive a shipwreck...

While clinging to floating debris and paddling towards shore they discuss what they will do to survive. The American dude says: Well, I am a carpenter by trade, so I'll build us a shelter. The French dude says: Ho-hoh! Yers trulee eez the greatest chef ever! I shall make grand meals to feed us! It g...

ME: I trained this chicken to talk.

HER: Let's hear then.

ME: What's a male deer called?

CHICKEN: Buck

ME: How much is 200 pennies worth?

CHICKEN: Buck Buck

HER: This is dumb.

CHICKEN: It gets way better, Susan.

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Oh deer...

One even, husband came home from a day of hunting and brought home a deer. He suggested to his wife that she should cook the deer meat but don't tell the kids what's for dinner. Wife agrees and cooks the deer meat.

Later that evening the husband, wife and the kids, all gather at the table for...

What do you call a deer with guerrilla training?

Ram-doe

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Three Statisticians go deer hunting and come across a deer.

The first one pulls out his bow, and has a shot at the deer. The shot hit a tree one metre left of the deer. The second one has his shot, only he hits a tree one metre right of the deer.

The third one yells:
“We got him, we got him!”

Dad: I have a lot of blind deer on my property.

Son: Really? How do you know they're blind?

Dad: Well, I have no eyed deer.

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A deer had a bar. One day, he found the toilet window broken, so he asked the patrons "Who broke the window!?"

A hare responded "I kinda did..."

The deer asked "What do you mean by "kinda"?"

The hare says: "Well, I was taking a dump and after the bear finished his, he took me and tried to wipe his butt, but then he saw I wasn't toilet paper and threw me right out of the window".

The deer...

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What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

Answer: 'Ell if I know!


Follow-up #1: What do you call a deer with no eyes?


Answer: No idear.


Follow-up #2: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no nuts?

Answer: No fucking idear.

What did the zoo keeper report when the Deers escape the zoo?

Zer-O Dear!

I bought some deer leg nunchucks for $20.

I said, "$20? They used to be under a buck!"

Two Blondes Find Some Tracks In The Forest While Walking Home

The first blonde looks at them and says to the other blonde, “Those look like deer tracks!”. The other blonde responds, “No, you idiot, those are clearly bear tracks, just look at them!”. The first blonde says, “You’re the idiot, they are CLEARLY deer tracks!”, the other argues back. They go back an...

A Hunting Joke My Grandpa told me

So a man and a woman get married, the man tells the woman that he's an avid deer hunter. The woman says "okay, thats fine." Then they get married.

After a couple years of the man going out hunting the woman says "I want to go with you. It's a great bonding experience." The man agrees and they...

This is a Mean joke.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The e...

My 4 yrs old asked me: "'what does the deer say?"

Me: "idk!"

Him: "Oh Dear!"

:/

Blondes

3 blondes were hiking when they saw some tracks. One blonde said “Wow cool, those are moose tracks”. Another said “Um no, they’re obviously elk tracks”. The third said “Are you guys stupid? They’re clearly deer tracks”. That’s when the train hit them.

People think i'm a monster for only hunting pregnant deer

but doe taste better once it's bred.

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An interview

Interviewer: "So you must be here for the telephonic interview. What's your name?"

Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."

Interviewer: "Sex?"

Man: "Three to five times a week."

Interviewer: "No no! I mean male or female?"

Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."

Interv...

Did you hear about the deer that could not be convinced to go to the tannery?

It kept screaming, "I will not be suede!"

Did you hear that Bon Jovi got food poisoning after eating that deer?

I guess you could say he had some “Bad Venison”

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard a deer joke,

I’d have a buck.

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A hunter shoots a deer and brings it home.

A hunter shoots a deer and brings it home, and has his wife clean it and cook some of it for dinner. The wife then serves it to the family. She says to the children: "Can you guess what this meat is? As a clue, it's something I call your father."


"Don't eat it!" says one child to the othe...

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Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes? Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs? Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes, legs or dick?

A: no idear.
A: still no idear.
A: still no fuckin idear.
Compliments of my high school chemistry teacher!

I was once bitten by a rabid female deer.

Now, every time there's a full moon, I turn into a weredoe.

What did the selfish beaver say to the deer that asked him to help stop the flooding affecting her grazing grounds?

Frankly, my deer, I don't give a dam.

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