What do you call a deer that can’t curse?

I don’t buckin’ know.

Did you know the white-tail deer can jump higher than the average house?

This is due to its powerful hind legs and the fact the average house can't jump.

Two men decided to go deer hunting and got lost. Then one had a big idea.

Man 1: I heard if you fire in the air three times, it's a universal distress signal. We should try it!

Man 2: Ok, I will do it.

He does. An hour goes by, and no one arrives.

Man 2: What happened? It didn't work!

Man 1: Try doing it again.

He does. Another hour, sti...

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts generally go for three dollars or so, but deer nuts are under a buck.

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A man kills a deer and brings it home for dinner.

He and his wife won't tell their kids what they're eating, but they tell them a clue: "We're eating what your mommy calls me."

Their little girl then screams and shouts to her brother, "DON'T EAT IT! IT'S AN ASSHOLE!"

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Deer Camp

The guys were all at a deer camp.

No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a...

I once met a deer who could write with both hands.

It was Bambidextrous.

A Native American Chief had three wives, all of whom were pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated that he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide.

The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred.

Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the th...

My sister dressed up as a deer for Halloween.

All my friends fawned over her

Loud ammunition is better for hunting deer

That way you get more bang for your buck

This is a Mean joke.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The e...

Two blondes went out deer hunting...

...and they managed to shoot a deer. They started dragging the deer by the hind legs to get it back to their pick up truck.

An experienced hunter saw them and said, "No, girls, you're doing it wrong. You're dragging against the grain of the deer's hair. If you drag by the antlers, you'll...

I really miss my job as a deer masseuse...

It made me feel like a million bucks.

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What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no sex organs?

Still no fucking idea.

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A father cooks a deer for dinner and doesn't Tell the children what it is, he gives them a hint and says "it's what your mother calls me"

The son quickly yells out "its a fucking dick don't eat it!"

What do you call a deer with guerrilla training?

Ram-doe

Did you hear about the deer that could not be convinced to go to the tannery?

It kept screaming, "I will not be suede!"

People think i'm a monster for only hunting pregnant deer

but doe taste better once it's bred.

Three Statisticians go deer hunting and come across a deer.

The first one pulls out his bow, and has a shot at the deer. The shot hit a tree one metre left of the deer. The second one has his shot, only he hits a tree one metre right of the deer.

The third one yells:
“We got him, we got him!”

I walked into a store and noticed they were selling deer nuts for $1.25

Every other time I've seen them, they were under a buck.

My 4 yrs old asked me: "'what does the deer say?"

Me: "idk!"

Him: "Oh Dear!"

:/

Dad: I have a lot of blind deer on my property.

Son: Really? How do you know they're blind?

Dad: Well, I have no eyed deer.

A hunter shoots a deer and is pulling it back to his truck

A hunter shoots a deer and is pulling it back to his truck

A farmer passes by and says, "Hey you shot that deer on my property. That makes that deer mine."
The hunter says, "No way, I tracked it, I shot it, it's mine."
The farmer says, "Ok Ok...we'll settle this the old way."
"The ol...

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Oh deer...

One even, husband came home from a day of hunting and brought home a deer. He suggested to his wife that she should cook the deer meat but don't tell the kids what's for dinner. Wife agrees and cooks the deer meat.

Later that evening the husband, wife and the kids, all gather at the table for...

I matched with a deer on Tinder.

It sent me a tick pic.

Three blondes are walking around. They suddenly stumble apron some tracks. The first blonde says "those are deer tracks" the send blonde says "those are wolf tracks!" The third blonde says" no, those are bear tracks!"

And then the train hit them

I bought some deer leg nunchucks for $20.

I said, "$20? They used to be under a buck!"

The accident

A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, B...

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Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes? Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs? Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes, legs or dick?

A: no idear.
A: still no idear.
A: still no fuckin idear.
Compliments of my high school chemistry teacher!

“Have you seen a deer before?”

A guy and his friend watch TV together because they are bored.

Suddenly a documentary about deers comes on:

“Have you seen a deer before?” asks the friend.

“Yes , on TV” replies the guy

“No , i meant in pure nature.” Said his friend

“Dad does not let us put the TV ...

Did you know that John Deere has a sister company that no one knows?

Jane Doe

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard a deer joke,

I’d have a buck.

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2 deer walk out of a bar.

Deer 1: I can't believe I blew 30 bucks in there!

Deer 2: I can't believe I got fucked over by nearly 30 bucks in there!

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A deer had a bar. One day, he found the toilet window broken, so he asked the patrons "Who broke the window!?"

A hare responded "I kinda did..."

The deer asked "What do you mean by "kinda"?"

The hare says: "Well, I was taking a dump and after the bear finished his, he took me and tried to wipe his butt, but then he saw I wasn't toilet paper and threw me right out of the window".

The deer...

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A hunter shoots a deer and brings it home.

A hunter shoots a deer and brings it home, and has his wife clean it and cook some of it for dinner. The wife then serves it to the family. She says to the children: "Can you guess what this meat is? As a clue, it's something I call your father."


"Don't eat it!" says one child to the othe...

I was once bitten by a rabid female deer.

Now, every time there's a full moon, I turn into a weredoe.

What’s the cheapest meat you can buy?

Deer balls, they’re under a buck...

(Told to me by my 12yo son)

What did the Canadian deer say to her boyfriend when he forgot their anniversary?

Do you even caribout me?

One night at a local bar frequented by a bunch of deer hunters who were waiting for the opening day of deer season, the local sheriff scoped out the joint for possible drunk drivers.

As he waited, eventually a patron stumbled out of the bar, fumbled for his keys, tried them in three different cars until he finally found his, got inside and rested his head on the steering wheel. The deputy knew he had his drunk driver, so now all he had to do was wait for him to start his engine ...

Oh deer

A 911 operator gets a call.

"911, what's the emergency?"

"Oh man oh man oh man"

"Calm down, sir. What has happened?"

"I shot Bill. I think it's bad. He's bleeding all over the place"

"You shot him?"

"Yes yes yes. I shot him. Didn't mean to! My rifle slipped ...

I got impaled by a deer today:

It was a massive fawn in my side

Deer

A deer walks into a bar and leaves an hour and a half later, she says
“Whew! I can’t believe I just blew fifty bucks!”

What do you call jam made from deer meat?

Wildlife Preserve

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A guy went hunting with his dog

He then spotted a deer and started preparing to shoot it.
The deer then turned his head and looked him straight in the eyes and said: « could you please not kill me, i have family to feed ».
The guy couldn’t believe what just happened and started running for his life.
After few minutes o...

What did the selfish beaver say to the deer that asked him to help stop the flooding affecting her grazing grounds?

Frankly, my deer, I don't give a dam.

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Executives at Monsanto have announced an initiative to genetically alter deer for increased movement speed.

Those assholes will do anything to make a quick buck

A duck, a skunk, and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night

When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck so they put the meal on the duck's bill!

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

(Hillbilly) Well I gots no i-dear-ah

-Santa's sleigh was hit by a car. Several deers died. What is left?

-The remaindeer

I'm considering hunting deer for a living

I hear its where all the big bucks are.

Anybody know how much Deer antlers cost?

I was told they're always 2 for a Buck.

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A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane...

Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know," said...

Have you heard of this new zombie like disease, stricking moses and deers? Hollywood is already on it.

Nightmare on elk street.

One day, a young deer named Frank Lee went out with his mother...

As they were carrying on with their daily business, they came across a river with a beaver building a dam.


The young deer asked his mother, “Why is the beaver building a dam?”


His mother responded, “Not for long. Watch and learn, son.”


The mother then proceeded to...

Two hunters are tracking a deer when they stumble upon a deep hole...

They can’t see the bottom of this hole and were wanting to see how deep it went. One of the hunters found an anvil next to the hole and threw it down. They were waiting to hear the thud of the anvil hitting the ground but they didn’t hear anything. Suddenly, the hunters heard a charging sound. The h...

What do you call 50 female pigs and 50 male deer?

100 sows and bucks.

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Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"

Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."...

A vegan asked me what i felt when shooting a deer. I said..

Recoil.

There was once an old trapper drinking in a tavern.

He didn't have much money, so he loudly made a bet to every one in the room,"Blind fold me and bring me any pelt! I'll tell you what animal it was and how you killed it! If I'm right, you buy me a drink. If I'm wrong, drinks on me!"

The first taker stepped up to the bar. "Alright, old man. ...

Deer walks into a bar

Deer: Darn, where all the does at?

There once was a man from Alabama . . .

He was a nice fellow. An unsophisticated hillbilly type but amicable to be around nonetheless. He was known as Catfish Jeb around the bayou because of that one time a catfish bit him in the . . .

Well, where the catfish bit him isn't important, now is it?

One day, very tragically, Catf...

So a biologist, a chemist, and a statistician go deer hunting

So having never done this before, they were not very good. So the biologist shoots at a deer and misses way off, 5 feet to the right. Because it was so far it didn't scare the deer, so the chemist shoots next and misses again way off, 5 feet to the left this time. Next the statistician yells "WE GOT...

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I was riding my motorcycle down a serpentine in Switzerland

When I entered a small forest in the valley a deer showed up in the middle of the road, and in spite of all of my maneuvering I crashed in to it and flew into a ditch going along the road and passed out. When I woke up and climbed up back to the road i saw a beautiful old cabriolet with a hot brunet...

A group of friends went deer hunting.

They decided to separate into pairs for the day to cover more ground. That night, one hunter returned alone, staggering under a huge buck. The rest of the group helped him as he dropped the buck, before looking around.

“Where’s Harry?” asked one of the other hunters.

“He fainted a coup...

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