The CIA,The FBI and the KGB

The CIA, the FBI and the KGB argue about who’s the best at catching criminals.

The Secretary General of the UN decides to test them. He releases a rabbit into the woods and each of the divisions has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They ...

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop, hop, hop, when he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed. Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest."

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed. The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run, run, run. Hop, hop, hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep. This sheep is about to shoot up heroin. The ra...

A rabbit walks into a butcher shop

(All credit to Eddie Izzard, who told this joke at the end of his Wunderbar show here recently and who left us in stitches with his delivery of it.)

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One morning, a rabbit walks into a butcher shop and says, 'Hello, sir. Do you have any carrots?'

The barber responds,...

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I failed my driving test today. I was driving down a country road with the examiner, when a rabbit ran out right in front of the car.

I remembered my instructor said you should never swerve or try to avoid an animal, because it's dangerous and you can end up causing a more serious accident.You should always just hit it and keep on driving.

Had to chase that little bugger for miles across the fields before I finally got it!

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A bear is chasing a rabbit

Through the woods and stumble upon a magic lamp. A genie pops out and says "thank you for freeing me, I have granted you two the ability to communicate with. I will give both of you 2 wishes.". The bear speaks up first "I wish to have the biggest bear penis in the world." The genie looks to the rabb...

If I ran a night club I'd hire a rabbit to guard the front door.

I heard they're good bouncers.

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A bear and a rabbit were taking a shit in the forest...

The bear turns to the rabbit and says "do you ever have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit says "no, why?"

So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

teacher asks to a student that if I give you 3+3 rabbits, how many do you have"?

student tells, I will have 7 rabbits. teacher asks, how? student tells, i already have 1 rabbit.

I've opened up a barber shop for rabbits

I do hare cuts, only.

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An elephant picks up a white rabbit

An elephant picks up a white rabbit after taking a dump. It asks the rabbit: “Are you afraid of getting dirty?” The rabbit says no and the elephant wipes his bum with it.

The next day the elephant picks up a squirrel after eating. It asks the squirrel: “Are you afraid of getting dirty?” The s...

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

*You 'neak up on him.*

**How do you catch a tame rabbit?**

*The tame way!*

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What is a Rabbit’s favorite earbud brand?

HAREpods.

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My dog disgraced himself by escaping and bringing home next doors rabbit.

It was very dead and covered in dirt but I couldn't see any wound so I thought I might just be able to get away without confessing. So I quickly washed and blow dried the deceased bunny, snuck round the fence and popped bun back in its hutch, all snuggled up looking in its straw so it looked just l...

I ordered rabbit stew but had to return it.

There was a hare in my soup

What do you call 300 rabbits marching backwards?

A receding hare line.

My brother has been out of town for a month and I've had to take care of his pet rabbit the whole time.

Let me tell ya...it's been hare raising.

What do you say to a rabbit when returning something?

Thanks for letting me burrow that.

What happens to evil rabbits?

They carrot in hell.

I almost hit a rabbit...

I had to cross two lanes to get it.

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A rabbit one day managed to break free from a laboratory

where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.


"WOW! This is great," he thought. It wasn’t long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing ...

The FBI, CIA and KGB go into a forest for a rabbit hunting competition.

They each have 2 days to do it and whoever finds a rabbit the fastest wins. First, the FBI go in. They go in with the latest and greatest rabbit locating equipment, and it’s clear that they have prepared for a while. They come back after two days with a rabbit in hand. Next, the CIA go in. Their equ...

My friend and I can't agree on what his job title at the rabbit farm actually is, he calls himself a processor while I say he is a butcher...

... Either way, he is just splitting hares.

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What d’ya call a rabbit with a bent dick?

Fucks Funny

You know the joke where a guy tells another guy to eat rabbit pellets saying that they are "smart pills"?

The second guy comes back the next day and says, "Hey, these are rabbit pellets! They're not smart pills at all!"

And the first guy says, "You see, they're working already."

How do you catch a rabbit ?

You hide behind a bush and make carrot sounds

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A bear is chasing a rabbit through the forest when they stumble across a magic lamp.

The rabbit picks up the lamp, and rubs it. Out comes a genie, and it grants them both 3 wishes.

The bear, now focused on the wishes, decides to test the genie’s limits. He says, “I wish every other bear in the forest were female!”

The rabbit simply says, “I wish for a motorcycle helmet...

A blind rabbit and a blind snake have been friends for years

One day, they decide to feel each other over so they can tell each other what animal they are.

The snake feels across the rabbits body and says "hmm, long ears, fluffy tail, big feet... you must be a bunny."

The rabbit feels the snake and says "cold, slimy, forked tongue, no balls... y...

The MI5, the CIA and the KGB are having a competition

Three small parties of all three Agencies meet on neutral ground, on the edge of a big german forest.

For the goal of the competition, they decided that each of their parties should catch a rabbit, using their espionage skills. The party that manages to catch the rabbit the quickest, wins....

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A rabbit is running through the steppe when he meets a giraffe which is rolling a joint.

"No giraffe, you don't have to smoke that. Just come running with me!", it says to the giraffe. After thinking a few seconds, the giraffe happily joins the rabbit.

After a while they meet an elephant which is about to sniff some cocain. "No elephant, you don't have to sniff that. Just come ru...

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A bear is chasing a rabbit around a dead hollow tree.

They are causing lots of commotion. Eventually a forest spirit rises from the tree.

“You two have woken me from my slumber. If you promise to go away I will grant you both three wishes”

The bear and rabbit instantly agree.

The spirit asks the bear for his first wish.

“I w...

What do you call a rabbit with no legs?

The loudest Fleshlight I ever used.

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My Kids Got Pissed at Me for Cooking Pancakes this Morning

Seems he was their favorite rabbit

So Mama Rabbit and Papa Rabbit are trapped in this hollow log.

They had been chased by the old farmer's hound dogs across three field, two fences and a gulley. They never slowed down. They never gave up, but still they hadn't managed to get away. Seeing the log, they ran in as a last resort.

With a hound dog barking and yapping at either end, Mama Rabbit...

One day an old dog lost his way while chasing rabbits.

Soon he noticed a lion in the distance running towards him with a hungry look in his eye.

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, the dog immediately settled down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the lion was about to leap, the old dog exclaimed, "That wa...

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A rabbit and a bear stumble upon a magic lamp.(some of you may have heard it)

They rub it and a genie appears. The genie promises each of them three wishes each but they'd have to take turns making the wishes.
It's the bear first, so he goes "I wish all the bears in this jungle were female with the exception of me."
The wish was granted.
The rabbit's turn. He goes" I...

I went out partying and drinking last night, and I forgot to feed my pet rabbit.

I really let my hare down.

How do Rabbits travel?

By Hareplane!

One time, two blondes were walking through the forest

...and they came across some tracks.


The first blonde pointed and said, "Oh, look! Rabbit tracks!"

The second blonde said, "No dummy, those are deer tracks!"


They were both still arguing when the train hit them.

A priest and a rabbit walk into a bar.

The bartender asks, "wait, isn't that supposed to be a rabbi?"

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A bear and a rabbit was walking in a forest, and they met a genie

The genie granted them each 3 wishes
The bear wished that all the bears in the local area were girls (the bear is a guy) and the rabbit wished for a motorbike. The bear then wished that all the bears in the the country were girls except for him, and the rabbit wished for a motorbike helmet. The b...

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Why don't rabbits make noises when they have sex?

Because they have cotton balls!

I found my dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in its mouth. The rabbit was dead and I panicked

I took the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house. I gave it a bath, blow dried its fur and put it back into the cage at the neighbor's house hoping they would think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor asked me, "Don, did you hear that Fluffy died?"

I said, "Um.....

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Unique up on it

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If a rabbit lives in a rabbit hole and fox lives in a foxhole

Does that mean a donkey lives in an asshole?

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar...

It’s a quiet evening. There’s no one else there. The three friends all grab a stool, order their usual drinks, and spend the evening chatting, as they’re wont to do.

All of a sudden, from the street outside, there comes a horrendous smashing sound. There’s been a terrible bus crash and pre...

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The Bear, the Rabbit, and the Magic lamp

A bear was casing a rabbit though the woods to eat. During the case the two stumble over a magic lamp.

A Genie appeared to the both of them as said. "I will grant you each three wishes."

The bear went first, "I wish every other bear in the woods was female!" The genie waved his hand an...

A man is driving down the road and runs over a rabbit

He slams on his brakes, gets out and walks up to the flattened bunny. The bunny is obviously expired. A passing car slams on it’s brakes and screeches to a halt. The driver of that car runs up to the bunny pulls out an aerosol can and sprays the bunny with the aerosol spray. The Bunny jumps up runs...

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The bear and the rabbit

A bear and a rabbit are walking through the woods and find a lamp. After rubbing it, a genie appears and agrees to grant them both 3 wishes.

For his first wish, the bear says, "I wish all the female bears in this forrest find me irresistable and sexy" and the genie grants his wish. The rabbit...

What did the rabbit do to embarrass himself?

He came in the hat instead of out of it.

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A bear is chasing a rabbit through the forest...

...and is nearly on top of him. Just before the bear can pounce, time stops, freezing the animals in place. Jesus steps out from behind a tree and tells the bear that if he spares the rabbit, he will grant each creature two wishes. The bear agrees, and time resumes. The bear says, "I wish I had ...

What do you call a man with rabbits in his pockets

Warren

What does the rich rabbit wear?

24 carrots

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There's a bear and a rabbit in the woods and a genie appears...

He says, "you each get three wishes"
So the bear starts off and says, "I wish I was the only guy bear in the forest so I could get all the girl bears."
The genie nods and snaps his fingers and it is done, and it is now the rabbit's turn. The rabbit says, "I wish I had a motorcycle because moto...

Four rabbis were golfing

EDIT: So everyone seems to be reading "rabbits," like "bunnies," only to get confused halfway through the joke. This is actually about "rabbis," meaning Jewish clergymen. Carry on...



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Four rabbis had a tradition of spending a day each week golfing and di...

I had a picture of my favorite cartoon rabbit, but when I came home one day, someone encased it in glass and hung it up.

Who framed Roger Rabbit?

Met a guy in a bar with a rabbit on his face. “What’s that?” I said..

“A facial hare” he replies

What do you get if you crossbreed a rabbit with an insect?

Bugs Bunny

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A Rabbit, a Bear, And a Genie In The Woods

A rabbit and a bear are chilling in the woods together when a genie suddenly appears. The genie says to the two of them 'I am a genie who can grant wishes. I will grant each of you three wishes, but think carefully because once I grant the wish it cannot be undone'.

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Rabbit...

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road

He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see
what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD.
The driver ...

I almost hit a rabbit on my way home last night.

Missed him by a hare.

Hedgehog was pulling a rope in the forest

The rabbit saw and asked: "Why you are pulling this rope?" "You know... It's very hard to push it"replied hedgehog.

What do you call a group of rabbits with little hats?

Rabbi.

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves.........?

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket. After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?"

I went to the pet store today and stole a rabbit.

Then I made a run for it.

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The bear and the rabbit and their fairy tale

In the woods. There is a bear and a rabbit. The bear is an grumpy and always horny guy.
The rabbit has to suffer a lot from him. He gets humiliated all the time. When the bear goes to the toilet and there is no paper around, he takes the rabbit to wipe his butt.
When he gets horny... He also...

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A bear was hunting a rabbit through a forest.

They passed a magic lake, where a magic toad lived. The toad called them over and said "because you are the first animals I have seen, I will grant you three wishes each.

The rabbit said that the bear should go first.
The bear said "I wish for all bears except me, in this forest to become ...

A long-neck giraffe is eating with a rabbit in the forest

... and then the giraffe brags, "Bet you are really envious of my long neck. When I'm eating, delicious food usually lingers in my throat and oh my, the taste, the scent, that feels really good!"

The rabbit swallows a mouthful real fast and then asks,

"Have you ever puked?"

How did the ancient Greek rabbit move around at night?

He had a Hoplite.

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One day a small rabbit was taking a run through the forest.

As he was running he came upon a giraffe. This giraffe was about to shoot up some heroin. The rabbit looked at he giraffe for a moment and then said, "Giraffe, don't do heroin. Heroin is a drug, and drugs are bad for you. Come running with me through the forest."
The giraffe looked at the rabbit,...

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Nsfw a rabbit and a bear cross a field and stumble on a green lamp.

The rabbit spoting the lamp instinctively rubbed it and in his astonishment and with a large puff of smoke a genie appeared coughing and splutering...

"Wow thank you both for releasing me its been ages since my last release. As customary i grant you both three wishes of your hearts desire"...

What do rabbits use to make beer?

Bunny hops

A man's dog comes home with his neighbors pet rabbit dead in his mouth...

A man's dog comes home one day with his neighbor's pet rabbit dead in his mouth. The rabbit is all covered in blood and dirt, clearly after putting up a fight with the dog. The man panics and worries that the neighbor will get mad and demand his dog be put down for killing his rabbit.

He deci...

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A rabbit in his 50s could not get it up anymore,

and since he had a reputation to uphold, he decided to start taking Viagra. The solution worked perfectly for years, until one day they gave him a fatal heart attack.
I guess old rabbits die hard.

I saw my neighbor pushing a a shopping trolley filled horse shoes and rabbit feet.

I think she was pushing her luck.

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Bear and rabbit get wishes

Bear and rabbit were just walking through the forest, as a fairy apearred. it granted both 3 wishes.
bears first wish was, to make every bear girl in this forest like only him. the rabbit on the other hand just wanted a very fast harley.
second wish from bear was that every bear girl on the wh...

A rabbit seeks for his hole in a Czech pub

Apparently all the holes are taken up

When I was younger I tried breeding rabbits...

it was a hare-raising experience.

I don’t know why, but I find it hard to trust people who sell lucky rabbit’s feet.

They give me paws.

Why did the brewery keep rabbits on hand?

So they could add the hops.

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Dead Rabbit

So this actually was a story told by a friend of mine but I thought it would make a hilarious joke so here it goes:
So a man steps outside into his backyard to play with his dog, when the dog comes up to him with a dead bunny rabbit in its mouth. Realizing that his neighbor has a pet bunny, but ...

A rabbit town hall meeting was held to discuss recent events...

A wolf had been coming to the meadow at night, and had killed and eaten a rabbit every night for the past week. They decided to put a watchrabbit on watch. When the wolf came, the watchrabbit would shout "wolf", and they would all hide. Naturally, they chose Roger, who the best eyesight.

Unfo...

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Pet shop

A little girl walks in to a pet shop and ask the owner for a rabbit the owner heart melts and says what kind of rabbit do you want a white rabbit a brown rabbit or a grey rabbit and the little girl says "I don't think my python gives a fuck "

Lesson 4 of 6: The Crow and the Rabbit

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, ”can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “sure, why not!” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.


A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.


**Moral of the...

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A Bear and A Rabbit

A Bear and A Rabbit are walking through the woods, when they come across a magic lamp in a clearing. Upon further investigation, and only 1 attempt to eat it, they release the genie inside who graciously grants them each 3 wishes.

Bear, who lives in the moment quickly says:

"I wish tha...

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What's the difference between a hare and a rabbit?

You can pull a hare out your arse but you can't pull a rabbit.

A guy applies for a job with the L.A.P.D.

Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one more test before you get the job.
Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit."

Guy replies "Why the rabbit?"

Inspector says "Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!"

A rabbit walks into a bar.

Hops up to the bartender and asks, "Got any carrots?" The bartender answered, "No! This is a bar. We don’t sell carrots." The next day the rabbit came again and asked, "Got any carrots?" The bartender retorted, "No! We sell drinks! We don’t sell carrots." Next day the rabbit came and asked, "Got any...

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A rabbit spots a fox rolling a blunt

The rabbit dashes to him and shout : " Don't smoke weed man, just go for a run with me!"

And so they went for a run.

After a running for a bit they spot a squirrel ready to snort up a big fat line of coke.

The rabbit again dashes to him and shouts : "Mate, don't do it! just go f...