UPJOKE
harerodentbunnypikasquirrelburrowratbunny rabbitcatelephantdeerreindeermonkeyferalmammal

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The rabbit and the bear

One day a bear is chasing a rabbit through the woods, when suddenly a magic stork flys down from the sky and calls the two of them over.

The stork says he's seen them be aggressive to eachother for weeks now and he'll offer them both 3 wishes each if they stop. The bear being greedy says "I'm...

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A rabbit is captured and taken to a medical laboratory to be used for experiments . . .

There, he befriends a rabbit who was born and raised in the lab. One day, he notices that the researchers didn't latch his cage properly and he decides to make a break for it. He tells the lab rabbit how great it is on the outside and convinces him to come along.

First, the wild rabbit take...

Best name for a serial-murderer rabbit

Ted Bunny

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Bear and Rabbit

A bear and a rabbit were taking a dump in the forest, and the bear turned to the rabbit and said, we eat a lot of the same things, I'm curious, does shit stick to your fur? The rabbit replied, the one good thing about being so fluffy is shit never sticks to my fur. With that the bear promptly picked...

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A rabbit is running around the woods

When he encounters and elephant, who was just about to light a joint.

The rabbit yells: "No!! Are you seriously gonna throw your life away like that? Come run with me, that's way more healthy!!"

So the elephant starts running with the rabbit, they run through the woods until they enco...

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit are in a car wreck

They are rushed to the hospital where it becomes clear that the priest and the pastor will need blood to survive. The priest has blood type A, while the pastor has type B. By the grace of God they are saved, as type Os can donate to both.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk in to deliver blood.

The priest says- โ€œIโ€™m a type Aโ€


The minister says- โ€œIโ€™m a type Bโ€


The rabbit says- โ€œI think Iโ€™m a typoโ€

Apparently Elton John has a personal trainer for his rabbitโ€ฆ

Itโ€™s a little fit bunny

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit go to donate blood at their local bloodbank.

When the arrive they are asked what bloodtypes they have.

The priest thinks and says โ€œI believe I am a type A positiveโ€

The minister saysโ€œIโ€™m quite certain I'm a type B negativeโ€

The rabbit tugs on his beard and thoughtfully says โ€œI think Iโ€™m a type Oโ€

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Tortoise and Rabbit. Antagonist view.

A different insight into the story of hare and tortoise:-

E๐’—๐’†๐’“๐’š๐’๐’๐’† ๐’•๐’‰๐’“๐’๐’–๐’ˆ๐’‰๐’๐’–๐’• ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐’˜๐’๐’“๐’๐’… ๐’‰๐’‚๐’” ๐’Œ๐’†๐’‘๐’• ๐’ˆ๐’Š๐’—๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐’†๐’™๐’‚๐’Ž๐’‘๐’๐’† ๐’๐’‡ ๐‘ป๐’๐’“๐’•๐’๐’Š๐’”๐’†โ€ฆ ๐‘บ๐’‚๐’š๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ ๐’•๐’‰๐’‚๐’• ๐’”๐’๐’๐’˜ ๐’‚๐’๐’… ๐’”๐’•๐’†๐’‚๐’…๐’š ๐’˜๐’Š๐’๐’” ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐’“๐’‚๐’„๐’†, ๐’‚๐’๐’… ๐’†๐’Ž๐’‘๐’‰๐’‚๐’”๐’Š๐’›๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ...

A bald magician pulled a rabbit out of a hat. Then he put the rabbit right on top of his head and gently lowered the hat down over the rabbit until the rabbit was completely covered. After a couple seconds of wearing the hat, the magician quickly lifted the hat back up, and presto!

there wasnโ€™t a hare on his head

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Pervert Bear and Genious rabbit

A bear hunts a rabbit in the forest. After several hours of running, they arrive in a clearing with a large rock in the center, and on top of this rock stands a golden frog. Surprised, they approach and the frog starts talking to them:
" For having found me, I grant you 3 wishes each."
The b...

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A bear and a rabbit

A bear and a rabbit are taking shits in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, โ€œDo you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?โ€ The rabbit says โ€œnoโ€. So the bear picks him up and wipes his ass with him!

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A bear is chasing a rabbit through the woods

This is going on for weeks. Every day they run through the same clearing until one day they kick over a mound of dirt and uncover a genieโ€™s lamp.

The genie pops out of his lamp and says โ€œIโ€™ve been listening to you two running through this forest for weeks now! I will grant both of you 3 wishe...

The Rabbit starts running in the forest...

As he runs past a tree, he meets the Bear shooting himself with heroine.
-Why are you ruining your life, dear Bear?-asks the Rabbit.-Lets run together!
Now they are running along, but as they run more and more, they meet the Fox, who is boiling some crack.
-Why are you shortening your life,...

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot up ...

What's the difference between a rabbit lifting weights and a rabbit with a flower up it's nose?

Ones a Fit Bunny

The other is a Bit Funny

A rabbit, an imam, and a priest walk into a blood test centre.

A nurse approaches the rabbit and asks, โ€œDo you know what blood type you are?โ€ The rabbit responds with: โ€œI think I might be a Type-O.โ€

The FBI, the CIA, and the KGB are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.

The FBI receive 1000 tips about the rabbit's location but refuses to investigate.

The CIA burns down the whole forest and said there's no rabbit.

The KGB drags a man out of the forest and beats him as he screams "OK I'm a rabbit!"

There's a guy in my neighbourhood who I used to think was really weird. I'd always see him out walking his rabbit. The rabbit was always in a different outfit. One day a frock. One day a skirt. One day a suit-jacket combo. Then it multiplied into a flock of rabbits, all wearing really niche clothes.

Eventually, curiosity got the better of me and I approached him and asked "excuse me sir, I can't help but notice your entourage of dapper rabbits. Can I ask what you do?"

He replied "Oh I'm a hare stylist."

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A rabbit walks into a pharmacy

โ€œCarrots, have you got carrots?โ€, he asks.

The pharmacist replies: โ€œNo, this is a pharmacy. If you want carrots you should check out the grocery store.โ€

On the next day the rabbit comes back and asks: โ€œCarrots, have you got carrots?โ€

The pharmacist replies: โ€œNo, I told you yeste...

Did you hear about the rabbit with the one floppy ear?

He had ear-rectile dysfunction

A third rate magician is doing magic shows on a second rate cruise ship (Long)

The pay is good, the accommodation is comfortable, the food is excellent, and the two show a day workload is easy. The mainly elderly audience seem to enjoy his show which is unoriginal but has the polish of hundreds of repetitions. All in all, it's started out as a great gig except for one glaring ...

Rumour got round that the bear kept a list of all the animals he plans to kill.

Scared and confused, the wolf went to confront the bear.

"Bear," said wolf. "Do you really keep a list of all the animals you plan to kill?"

"I do." said the bear.

"And... Is my name on it?" asked the wolf.

"It is." the bear growled. And the following morning, the wol...

The KGB, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that the rabbit does not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing e...

A rabbit escaped from a lab.

While on his way, he found a group of rabbits who asked him to stay. Not wanting to refuse the offer, he asked them, what was so special about the place.

The leader of the group says - If you go through that fence, there is a whole field of carrots ready to eat to your content.

So, he ...

Why didnโ€™t the rabbit hunter want to be on TV?

Because he was having a bad hare day.

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3 blondes are walking in the woods.

3 blonde girls are walking in the woods when they stumble across a set of tracks, the first girl having went to a zoo last week claims that the tracks are deer tracks, the second blonde laughs,

"Caitlyn you dumb bitch those are bear tracks!"

The third blonde chimes in,

"Oh my go...

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My girlfriend has a rampant rabbit sex toy.

It's not her favourite, but it's up there...

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Bought my depressed mate a rabbit for his birthday and he was NOT happy.

He was like โ€œWhy the fuck did you buy me a rabbit? What the hell am I going to do with this?โ€

I was shocked. I was convinced it would cheer him up.

I replied. โ€œWell, I know you can never truly replace old pets, but your girlfriend said youโ€™d been down ever since you lost your hareโ€

Captain Crunch, Lucky the leprechaun, and the Trix rabbit have been found murdered in recent months.

Police believe they're all victims of character assassination.

How is a rabbit like an IPA?

They both taste hoppy.

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A son ask his dad "Dad, how can I take the next step with my girl? We kissed and all, but I don't know how to proceed... "

His dad answers "Listen to me son, do what I did with your mother. I treated her to a romantic dinner, took her home and brought her to her room. We're there, I look at her, and she looks at me. I look at her she looks at me, I look at her she looks at me, I move her panties away and put it in! " ...

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The British, American and Russian intelligence services have a spy-off

The rules are simple: a rabbit is released into a forest, and whoever finds and brings it back the fastest, wins.

The Brit goes first. He first phones some arborial informants, then dons a disguise: sporting a pair of bunny ears, a fluffy tail sticking out of his ass, skimpy black dress, full...

A rabbit goes for a run through the forest

As heโ€™s running a cones across a possum about to light up a joint. The rabbit says, โ€œOh no! Mr. Possum! Donโ€™t do that! Itโ€™s so bad for you. Come running with me and stay healthy!โ€ The possum looks at his joint and decides they the rabbit is right and he needs to get healthy. So off they go for a run...

my friend fed me rabbit for the first time and I told him it tasted like beer.

Must've been from all the hops.

What's a flying rabbit have on its back?

An eagle

I've never been through anything scarier than that time I tried to breed rabbits.

It was a hare-raising experience.

An atheist a priest and a rabbit walk into a bar.

And the rabbit says: Guys, I'm pretty sure I'm a typo.

How do you catch a rare rabbit?

Unique up on it.

What do you call a hundred rabbits hopping backwards in a queue?

A receding hairline

I met a rabbit chanting a mantra of peace and consciousness.

"*Hare* Krishna"

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[long] A bear and a rabbit...

<Prologue>


A bear is taking a shit in the woods one day when a rabbit comes by.

. The bear asks "hey rabbit, do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?


" no" says the rabbit.

So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit..


<rabbit wil...

Rabbit walks into a clothing store ..

Rabbit walks into a clothing store.ย  Clerk says to the rabbit 'may I help you, sir?'

Rabbit says 'yes, I'd like a tossed salad with croutons, ranch dressing on the side.'

Clerk looks bewildered and responds 'uhhh, we don't have salads here.'

Rabbit says 'oh really?ย  Then make...

A little boy was diligently reading his book when he suddenly asked, "Mum, how do rabbits bark?"

His mother looks up in surprise. "Rabbits don't bark, dear", she says.

"That's odd", says the boy, "Here it is written that rabbits eat carrots and bark."

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Mr. Bear, Mr. Rabbit and the Golden Frog.

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog.

They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes. H...

What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear?

14 carrot gold

A very talented rabbit

Alice loves walking through the park and saying hello to anyone she hasnโ€™t met before.

One day, she comes across a man with a pet rabbit. She asks if the rabbit can do any tricks, and she is greeted with an amazing performance. Without going into too much detail, the rabbit is easily one of t...

What do you get when you pour a pot of tea down a rabbit hole?

Hot, cross bunnies!

what do you call a rabbit that has fleas?

Bugs bunny

Rabbit Stew

A man walks in to a restaurant and orders the rabbit stew. He takes one sip, then abruptly spits it out. He yells out, "waiter, there is a hare in my stew!"

What do rabbits say before feasting on your garden?

โ€œLettuce prey.โ€

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Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit live in the same forrest The bear is chasing the rabbit trying to kill it. Until they come across a golden frog who offers them three wishes each

Mr. Bear wishes that all the other bears in the forest were female. Mr. Rabbit wishes for a crash helmet.

Mr. Bear's second wish is that all the bears in the neighbouring forests were female as well. Mr. Rabbit wishes for a motorcycle.

Mr. Bear's final wish is that all the other bears ...

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A bear and a rabbit are arguing in the forest...

The genie is quite sick of hearing them so he decides to do something about it.

"Gentlemen!" He exclaims, popping up between them in a puff of sparkly blue smoke, "You are clearly not happy. So, to mitigate this, I shall grant each of you three wishes!"

"OH! OH! I shall go first!" The ...

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What do you call a guy with 20 rabbits up his ass.

Warren

A priest, a monk, and a rabbit walk in a bar. As they approach the bar, they see a blood donation booth. The rabbit hops to the nurse to be the first to donate. The nurse looks at him and ask: โ€œWhatโ€™s your blood group?โ€

The rabbit says: "I dunno, I think I might be a Type-O."

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The rabbit was running away from two hunters

He stoped for a second to tell the old shepherd something, and continued running.
Soon the hunters caught up and asked the old shepherd: "Have you seen the rabbit passing through here?"

Shepherd without hesitation answerd : "Yes he passed through here."

Hunters wanting to make fun...

Why was her name Jessica Rabbit?

Because of the RED HARE!

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Six Lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, โ€œIโ€™ll give y...

A rabbit walks in to a cake shop.

He walks up to the counter and asks " Do you have a birthday cake with spinach?" "No I'm sorry we don't" says the store clerk. "Ok" says the rabbit and promptly bounces out of the store.

The rabbit comes back a couple of times and asks the same question and gets the same answer so the store ...

Mommy and Daddy rabbit were enjoying a splendid afternoon in the woods.

Suddenly, the sound of hunting dogs shattered their idyllic time together. They ran for their lives. The dogs were relentless. Finally the two terrified bunnies took shelter in a hollow log. The dogs had them trapped. The situation seemed hopeless.
Daddy looked at Mommy and said "Well, we'll ju...

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Did you hear Mick Hucknall was caught having sex with a rabbit?

He was holding back the ears.

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Whats the difference between a rabbit and a hare?

You cant pull a rabbit out of your ass.

What do you call a man with a rabbit up his bum?

Warren

Where did Quasimodo keep his rabbits?

In a hutch, back of Notre Dame.

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What do you call a rabbit with a crooked penis?

Fucks funny!

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A bear and a rabbit were shitting in the woods.

The bear was grunting and groaning trying to do his business. This agitated the rabbit who did his business quietly.

After the bear was done grunting and groaning, he looked to the rabbit.

The rabbit, feeling uncomfortable, looked back at the bear and sharply asked, "what?"

The...

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A grizzly bear is chasing a rabbit through a forest, when both come across a magic lamp and rub it at the same time

A genie pops out and says: โ€œIโ€™ll grant you both three wishes. Letโ€™s start with you, bear. What do you want?โ€

The bear says: โ€œI wished all the grizzly bears, other than me, in this forest, were femaleโ€, and the genie grants it.

The rabbit says: โ€œI wish for a Harley Davidsonโ€, and the g...

A guy finds his dog with the neighbors pet rabbit in its mouth

The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house. He gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor asks the guy, "Did you h...

A Preist, a Pastor, and a Rabbit

A preist, a pastor, and a rabbit walk into a blood donation clinic. The nurse at the front desk notices them waiting and asks them if they know their blood types; they're very low on specific types of blood, as usual.

The rabbit hurriedly hops up and says "Yep, I'm a type A-."

The nurs...

Tonight we're having Himalayan rabbit stew for dinner.

We found himalayan on the road.

The town mayor decided to test how competent their emergency services were.

Each service will be sent into the woods to find a rabbit by the end of the day.

First up are the ambulances. They rush into the woods, scoop up the first thing they see, and rush it to the nearest hospital before presenting the mayor with a massive bill for their time.

Then the fire...

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A Rabbit and a Bear Are Chilling in the Woods Together

Suddenly a genie appears before them and says "I am a magic genie, and I will grant each of you 3 wishes. But choose carefully, because once I grant a wish it cannot be undone"

Rabbit and Bear ponder this for a moment before Bear speaks up to make his first wish.

Bear, being very lustf...

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My girlfriend wanted to roleplay as a magician during sex

It was fun until she hid my balls and shoved her rabbit up my ass

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The parents want to get rid of the family's pet bunny.

A family has a pet rabbit, but their son and daughter fail to do their part when it comes to cleaning its cage etc. and so the parents decide to quietly kill off the bunny and tell the kids that it ran away. So that's what they do, and since it's a well-fed bunny and they don't want to let all that ...

Long joke

A man is driving down a highway, and he hits and kills a rabbit. He gets out of the car and walks over to the rabbit. He picks it up and starts crying, thinking heโ€™s a horrible person. Someone else driving down the highway stops and walks over to him, and asks, โ€œWhat happened?โ€ The man replies, โ€œI h...

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Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit were walking in the woods...

They didnt like each other so much and were arguing the entire time until they found a magic frog.

The frog was surprised. \`No one ever found me before\` said the frog. \`As is, I now have to grant you three wishes each\`

Both the bear and the rabbit were delighted, and quickly stoppe...

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An old lion chases a tired rabbit

After being kicked from the pride, the old lion tries to hunt for food. He finds and chases after a rabbit day and night all around the jungle through the old creek and the thick forest finally ending up at the magic temple where a fairy lives. Upon hearing the ruckus she comes out to see both the a...

What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose?

Hare spray.

A blonde is traveling with her friend down an old back road when she slams on her breaks to miss a rabbit.

They both get out of the car to see a dead rabbit laying in the middle of the road.

The friend turns to the blonde and says โ€œomg, you just killed that poor rabbit, what are we going to do?โ€

The blonde returns to her car to retrieve a spray can, then back to her friend, thatโ€™s frantic...

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The Bear, the Rabbit, & The Magical Golden Frog

A bear & a rabbit were walking through the forest when they happened upon a magical golden frog, sitting alone by a pond. The magical golden frog was such a rare find, that anyone who found him would be granted three wishes.

โ€œWell, since you both managed to find me at the same time, Iโ€™ll...

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A bear and a rabbit stumbled upon a magical lamp in the forest...

They rubbed it and guess what, a genie appeared. He granted both of them 3 wishes each. The rabbit asked the bear to go first, becuase he knew the bear's playboy nature.

Bear: I wish to be the most handsome bear in the whole world.
Genie: Granted.
Rabbit: I want a motorbike.
Genie (a...

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves.........?

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket. After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?"

A rabbit goes into a hairdresser looking for his friend..

but leaves disappointed as surprisingly, there isn't a hare to be seen.

A rabbit says to a fox, "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes"

"Come on, you know that's impossible! No one will publish such rubbish." says the fox

"Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while, the rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face.

Then comes a wolf. "Hello, what are we doin...

Why is rabbit farming a terrifying profession?

Every day is a hare-raising experience.

I can't find my pet rabbit anywhere, I think my buddy Mitchell took it.

Mitch better have my bunny.

Rabbit is riding his new bicycle, when he meets bear

Rabbit is riding his new bicycle, when he meets bear. Bear clearly drunk:

"Hey rabbit, where did you get new bicycle?"

"I don't drink, I save money, I can afford a bicycle."

After some time rabbit has new motorbike and as he is taking it for a drive, he meets beer again, who is ...

Why can't you hear rabbits making love?

***Because they have cotton balls.***

Montana State Golfer Warning

The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising golfers to take extra precautions, and be on the alert for bears while playing on Gallatin, Helena, and Lewis and Clark National Forestโ€™s golf courses.

They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on th...

When I was growing up in South Dakota we would go out and catch rabbits to give to the local brewery in exchange for cash.

Apparently they used them for the hops.

A Rabbit, a Monkey and a Llama walks into a bar.

The bartender looks at them, and goes:" I think you're ALL in the wrong joke."

The rabbit says :"Man this is worse than when I was just a typo."

I ordered rabbit stew at a pub the other day...

The server drops the rabbit stew off at my table and starts walking away.

I call him back and say, "There's a hare in my stew."

What did the rabbit use to propose to his girlfriend?

A 24-carrot ring

My dog came bounding into the house this morning with the neighbour's rabbit hanging lifeless from it's jaws.

Panic set in and so I scrubbed it clean and got all the blood marks off until it was pure white again. I then sneaked into their garden and popped it back in its hutch.

That evening my neighbour knocked at my door and said "I can't believe it, flopsy is lying dead in its hutch and the kids ar...

A rabbit, a fox and a bear have to enroll in the army.

Neither of the 3 are very happy about it and the only chance they have to avoid it is by being rejected during the medical exam. As They are waiting in line at the doctors office their desperation builds up untill right before it's the rabbits turn.
The rabbit turns to the fox: "Fox I might h...

one day two lions was bored

lion one: i know what we will do, lets go beat the rabbit.
The second lion was a little more conscientious so he said: but we need at least a Cause to do this.
so the first lion told him: i know, if the rabbit will wear a hat, we will ask him why is he wearing a hat, if he don't wear a hat we ...

What do you call a rabbit that's raised indoors?

An in-grown hare!:)

A vulture boards an airplane carrying two dead rabbits.

And the flight attendant says "Sorry sir, only one carrion per passenger."

What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams?

They lived hoppily ever after.

I had this new kind of meat the other day. It was Himalayan rabbit.

The only issue is, I found Himalayan on the road.

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