A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true.

“Does this also mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.

Wit...

What has the head of a dog, the body of a pig, and the legs of a spider?

My daughter's drawing of a snake.

Pig with a wooden leg

A city gentleman is going for a drive in the country. He passes a farm field, where he sees a lone pig rooting around, and upon second glance, this pig has a wooden leg. He drives up the driveway and finds the farmer repairing his tractor in front of the barn. He asks the farmer about the pig....

What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

The letter "F".



Edit: *To everyone making jokes in the comments comparing politicians to pigs, please stop.
It's really offensive and disrespectful. Pigs are not all that bad.*

A pig walks into a bar and orders ten beers.

As soon as the pig is finished drinking the beers, he pays the bartender and starts to leave the bar.

"Wait!" says the bartender. "You drank so much beer. Wouldn't it be wise to use the bathroom before leaving?"

"Not for me," says the pig. "I'm the type of pig that goes wee wee wee all...

My mom wrote this joke: What's the difference between a sweet potato fresh out of the oven and a pig thrown off a balcony?

One is a heated yam and the other is a yeeted ham

A woman sues a man for defamation of character, charging that he called her a pig.

The man is found guilty and made to pay damages. After the trial, he asks the judge, “Does this mean that I can no longer call Ms. Harding a pig?”

The judge says, “That is correct.”

“And does it mean that I can’t call a pig Ms. Harding?”

“No,” says the judge, “you are free to ca...

What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

The letter F

Do you know how many wrinkles are on a pigs ass?

Smile and I’ll count them.

Told to me by my 8 year old daughter: Who is the smartest pig in the world?

Oinkbert Einswine

A Guinea pig is the perfect pet....

They only live for 5 days and you don't have to feed or water them.

what do would happen if pigs could fly?

idk but the price of bacon would Skyrocket

What do you call a pig three eyes?

A piiig

Did you hear about the agreeable French pig?

He went oui oui oui, all the way home!

What do you call a tiny pig reciting Shakespeare?

Hamlet.

So they say you can get a heart transplant from a pig now

Call me a Guinea pig doc'

What do you get when you cross a frog with a pig?

A hamphibian.

My physics teacher in rural Iowa said I'd pass his class when pigs fly, because I wasn't applying myself.

Well, I tried harder but ended up getting expelled, even though he never specified that the pig had to sustain flight on its own.

The Three-Legged Pig

So, there's a traveling salesman who has been on the road for too long. He decides that, to fix his boredom, the next thing he sees he's going to stop and ask somebody about it.

Well wouldn't you know it, he sees a pig with three legs at the edge of a farm.

"Ok," he says to himself. "...

A traveler notices a farmer feeding his pigs

He holds each pig up in a tree for 10 minutes so it can eat the apples.
So the traveler asks, “Doesn’t that take a lot of time?”
The farmer replies, “What’s time to a pig?”

Why did the Albino pig have bad breath?

He has no Pig mints.

Every Christmas day we have pigs in blankets.

Or as some people might call it, relatives sleeping in the spare room.

What animal is the pig's worst enemy in nature?

The Ham-Hawk!

What do you call a pig that is cold and growling?

A Ham-Brrr-Grrr.


I made this joke when I was 11. I remember being super proud lol.

What does the italian police do with a criminal pig?

prosecutto

[nsfw] Three guys were hiking and took a short-cut across a farmer's field, where the found a pig stuck halfway through a fence.

"I wish that was my Nancy, my girl friend" said the guy from Florida.
" I wish that was my cousin Mary-Lou" said the guy from Georgia
"I wish it was dark out" said the guy from Alabama

What do you get when you pick a pig's nose?

Hamboogers

My 8 year old told me this one, i told him it was snot funny.

What's the difference between Captain Picard, a scared female pig, a loose thread, and the likelihood this joke is terrible?

One likes to make it so, one is an afraid sow, one is a frayed sew, and sorry, but I'm afraid so!

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An 18 year old Italian girl gets pregnant...

She tells her Mother that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl p...

What makes an English pig happy?

Having a muddy good time

Farmer Browns pigs

Farmer Brown has a bunch of pigs that are all female. He decides to breed them to increase the size of his herd. So he calls his friend farmer Jones and asks if he can bring his sows over to mate with farmer Jones' boars. Farmer Jones agrees, so next morning, farmer Brown loads all his pigs into ...

What do you call a pig that does karate?

A pork chop!

How do pigs communicate?

By using swine language.

The Pig With a Wooden Leg

A TV reporter became lost on the back roads and stopped at a farm to get directions. As he was talking to the farmer he noticed a pig with a wooden leg.

“This could be a great story for the Six O’Clock News. How did that pig lose his leg?” he asked the farmer. “Well”, said the farmer, “that’s...

3 little pigs

A wolf goes to the house of the first pig, which was made of straw. "Come out you pig, or I will huff and puff and blow your straw house down".

The pig stays put and the wolf starts huffing and puffing. Frightened now, the pig sneaks out the back door just as his straw house starts to blow ...

A cannibal came into my restaurant and asked if we served long pig

I told him we were out of both short and long. He said “I’ll give you $2,000 if you can whip me up something to my liking.” Thinking quickly, I told my clumsiest porter to go cut some frozen peas in the meat slicer.

Most money I ever made with just a simple hamd sandwich!

The farmer and the pigs

A farmer, struggeling through deression, is sitting in a bar talking to his neighbour: "I have no Idea to survive,I own 25 sows but no boar. And I can't afford to buy one or arrange a fertilization. If I'd be able to breed piglets, i could sell them and make money.." The neigbour sais: " No Problem,...

What is a guinea pig's favorite unit of time?

Wheeks.

I'm sorry.

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One day a teacher was reading the story of the three little pigs to her class

She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building material for his home.

She read, “. . . And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, ‘Pardon me sir, but may i have some of that straw to build a house?’”

The t...

What do you call it when pigs cause the end of the world?

The aporkalypse

After reading more about which genus pigs are in

I now find them all kinda sus.

How do you transport an injured pig?

In a hambulance!

How to weigh a pig

A farmer is out in the field with his client, who is there to buy a pig, as they are walking along the client asks him, "how much does this pig weigh?"

The farmer pulls the pig out, puts his tail in his mouth and says, "she's 245 pounds easy."

Astonished, the client thinks he's being f...

How to you call a pig missing both hind legs?

A ham-putee.

I know a guy who had a pet pig.

This pig got sick one day, suffering from fear of what would happen when he finally got eaten, and turned into a nice juicy ham. My friend took him to the vet, to see why this pig was acting depressed(not eating, not sleeping, etc.). The vet prescribed one thing: cure him.

tld;dr: my friend'...

(written by my 13-year-old son) What do you call a pig with herpes?

A warthog.

A joke from my country (Brazil)

In an international police convention, American FBI, English Scotland Yard and Brazilian BOPE are about to take part in a competition.

A rabbit will be set loose in the woods and the team that retrieves it in the shortest time wins.

First goes the Scotland Yard. They use hounds and hel...

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A simple farmer wanted his pigs to have younglings

He tried to get the pigs to mate, but the females wouldnt.

He asked his neighbour for advice. The neighbour said that if he has sex with the pigs they would soon agree to mate with the male pigs.

He didnt like the idea but he needed the younglings. So he starts the next day. He takes t...

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Why did the Welshman have sex with a pig?

He thought it was a sheep.

Where do pigs live in Germany?

Ham-burg

Why are pigs the worst drivers ever?

Because they hog the damn road.

A rabbi, a hindu and a lawyer go to work on a farm...

When it comes time to sleep, the farmer says he has only two beds available, so one of them will have to sleep in the barn.

The hindu is humble and goes out to sleep in the barn. Five minutes later there's a knock on the farmer's door, it's the hindu. He says there's a cow in the barn and it...

Special Pig

A farmer walks into a bar with a pig with a wooden leg. Bartender says "We don't allow pigs in here". Farmer says "This is no ordinary pig this is a special pig". Bartender asks, "What's so special about it?" Farmer replies, "I was out fishing in my pond, fell out of my boat, I can't swim. Pig broke...

What do you call a polite pig?

Canadian Bacon.

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Guy comes home drunk in the middle of the night

He comes through his bedroom door with a sheep under his arm. The wife wakes up and says drunk again I see. The man says this is the pig I fuck when your not around. The wife says you dumb ass thats not a pig its a sheep to which the man replies. Shut up bitch I wasn't talking to you!

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Dude walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.

His wife is lying on the bed, reading. Dude says "This is the pig I fuck when you have a headache."

Wife says "I think you'll find that's a sheep under your arm."

Dude says: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

A guy found this pig on the side of the road...

Not knowing what to do with it, he brought it over to the police station to ask what he should do with it. The policeman tells him to take the pig to the zoo.
A couple weeks later the same police officer was on highway patrol and he sees the guy in his driving in his convertible with the pig loun...

A man walking sees a farming trying to push his pig up in a tree

He shakes his head at the strange sight and continues his walk to town and finishes his errands and begins his walk home.
On his way back he spots the same farmer still struggling to get that same pig up a tree.

After watching this strange behavior for a few minutes, he calls out to the fa...

What do you call a pig that's angry about being cold?

A ham brr grr!

I met an old farmer who had a pig with a peg leg

I asked him, “Why do you have a pig with a peg leg?”

Looking very proud he responded, “Well, that’s an amazing pig. Never had such a great pig before.”

Not understanding, I asked, “Sure, but why does he have a peg leg?”

Then the old farmer said, “Well, there was this one time t...

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Three Farmers, a Pig and a Monkey

Three Farmers are raising a pig for the fair, trying to put their brains together to beat everyone else out. One of them gets the idea to put a cork in its butt, "if it can't poop it will get huge!" So they do this, and when the fair comes it's the biggest pig the county has ever seen and they win. ...

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Putin`s chauffeur

Vladimir Putin is in his limo, being driven through the Russian countryside. All of a sudden, there is a big bang and a big bump. Putin yells at his chauffeur, "What the hell was that?!"
The chauffeur replies, "I ran over a big pig that was lying in the middle of the road. I\`m pretty sure I...

In the US cops are called pigs, in Russia they call them goats.

A man shows up at a police station in Russia and says there is a dead goat on the road two blocks away. The cops are like There was no need to come here, call the city or whatever. The guy says Well, I thought when somebody dies the first thing they do is inform their relatives.

Two men and a pig are trapped on a deserted island

A month in and the two men, ashamed of what they're doing, decides to kill the pig.

A month later and the two men, ashamed of what they're doing, decides to bury the pig.

One more month and the two men, ashamed of what they're doing, decides to dig the pig back up again.

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US Government Business Policy

It is the month of June, on the shores of the Black Sea. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.


Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.


He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro no...

What do pigs use on their wounds?

Oinkment

A farmer is suing a trucking company a week after getting into a very bad accident.

"Sir," the trucking company's lawyer says to the farmer, "my client says that, after the accident, you said you were fine. Is that true?"

"Well, you see," replies the farmer, "I was driving to the fair, and my favourite dog, Spot, was in the front seat with me, and--"

"I didn't ask for...

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"

Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

Where do pigs hear their favorite songs?

On the Ham Radio!

A Pig, a Cow, and a Horse walk into a bar

The bartender says “ shall I start a tab, fellas? “ the Pig says “ Aye “, the Cow says “ Aye “, the Horse says “ Neigh “.

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Nazi walks into a bar with a pig under his arm...

The bartender says "Get that filthy animal out of my bar".

The pig says "Can I get a drink first?"

What do you give to a sick Pig?

Oinkment :)

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[NSFW] A man, a dog, and a pig wash up on a deserted island.

They're there for several years, until one day the man gets desperate, takes off his trousers, and tries to mount the pig. The dog, however, starts growling at him and baring its teeth, so he stops. A few weeks later he tries again, but this time the dog bites him on the arm until he stops.

L...

Where do pigs surf in Hawaii?

Bay-kona

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A third grade teacher was teaching English.

"Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow/And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go." She explained that this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from "the lamb was sure to go" to "the lamb went with her."

A few days lat...

A college student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch.

However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:


‘A swan shan’t be friends with a pig.’


‘Then I shall fly on,’ answered the student with a smile.


The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everythi...

What do you call a mix between a pig and an alligator...

A baconator

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Woman meets the Italian

One day, a woman has a date with a French guy at his hotel room, floor 10. The french guy makes the balcony in a romantic mood, wine, food so the woman can enjoy the time with him.

After some time, woman asks the french guy:

Woman: If I would be your girlfriend, how would you treat me?...

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A man comes home visibly irritated.

His wife notices and asks if something is wrong.

He shakes his head.

"C'mon. Talk to me" she says.

He takes a moment to steady himself. "It's just that..." he pauses again, and takes a deep breathe. "Well, first of all, last night when you were telling me about your day?"
...

A man and his wife are out to dinner when the wife drops spaghetti

Wife: “Dang it! I look like a pig!”

Husband: “And you spilled on your shirt.”

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A farmer hears a knock on his door one night...

and he is surprised to see a Jew, a Muslim, and a Jehovah's Witness together on his doorstep. The farmer greets them and is wondering why such an unlikely trio of people are walking together at this time of night.

"Our cars got caught in the snow in the highway, and we can't get a signal out ...

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A farmer had 5 female pigs but times were hard and he needed a solution.

A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned 5 male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decide...

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A man was driving up a steep and narrow mountain road. A woman was driving down the same road. As they passed each other, the woman leaned out the window and yelled, "Pig!" The man immediately leaned out his window and replied, "Bitch!"

They continue on their way, and as the man rounded the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

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What do you call extra skin on a pig’s penis?

The boar skin.

A pig, a dog, and a sheep are sitting at a table. A plate of 20 biscuits are served.

The pig grabs 19 and says to the dog: “Watch out, that sheep wants to take your biscuit.”

A man visiting a farm notices a pig with only three legs.

He asks the farmer about the pig.

"Ah", says the father, "that pig, he be a mighty pig, that one. When me 'ouse got on fire that pig rushed in and dragged me and th'wife to safety. A miracle pig, he is."

"But that doesn't explain why he has three legs," said the man.

"Aye, a m...

A constable receives notification about a theft from McGregor's farm near Nottingham. The dispatcher tells him that farmer McGregor reports the theft of 2033 pigs...

The constable starts writing the report, but decides to double-check the exact amount of the pigs. He calls McGregor and asks: "Mr McGregor, are you absolutely sure that there were 2033 pigs stolen?"


"Oh, yeth, conthtable, abtholutely!" McGregor answers.


The constable thanks hi...

An unattractive person walks into a bar with a duck under their arm

The bartender says - where did you get that huge pig?

The patron responds - this isn’t a pig, it is my emotional support duck!

Bartender - I was talking to the duck.

I don't like to eat anything labeled "reformed ham"

As I think it is unfair that the pigs are slaughtered after they've got their lives back on track.

Family Matters

A husband and wife are on a long car trip and get into a big argument that eventually ends in an angry silence.

Some time later they pass a pig farm. The husband looks at the pigs and says, "Family of yours?"

The wife replies, "Yup, in-laws."

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A farmer walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep

He says "look at this pig I've been fucking, honey. " His wife responds, "That ain't a pig that's a sheep!" The farmer yells, "I AIN'T TALKIN TO YOU!"

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A dog says hey to a cat in a barn

The cat says hey back.

The pig chimes in, saying hey to the cat and dog.

The chicken bucks her salutation the same way.

The horse: And y'all ain't fuckin sharing?

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My favorite joke

I went to go visit my friend Chuck on his farm out in Greater Minnesota, and he's showing off his barn, crops, and livestock. When we get to the swine corral, there's an enormous boar... with three wooden legs.

So I ask him, "why does that pig have three wooden legs?"

"Well, Steve, tha...

A lawyer, A rabbi, and a Buddhist Monk...

...Are driving together on Route 66. It's beginning to get dark and they are wishing for a place to stop but there isn't a town for miles. Then they spot an old farmhouse and decide to ask. The farmer meets them at the door and listens to their request. He says that he would be glad to let them stay...

What did the police officer say to the pig thief?

Come out with your hams up!

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A pig's orgasm usually lasts 30 minutes...

Which is strange because my exes only lasted about 30 seconds.

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Not so sure my new year is getting off on a good start. Last night I ate like a pig and got incredibly drunk.

First thing I did this morning when I woke up was take an enormous, smelly shit. Second thing I did was get out of bed.

Someone told me you can clean pigs with vodka

sounds like Absolut hogwash if you ask me

Did you hear about the farmer that called his herd of pigs and ended up being trampled?

Was the first report of sooey-cide in the whole state.

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A man and woman have an argument after the man tries to perform oral sex

The woman says "you should never eat a pussy out ever again! That was the worst i've ever gotten!"

The man says "i'm jewish, i'm not allowed to eat pigs anyways."

When I was a little kid, I thought "This little piggy went to market." meant it went shopping.

It does not.

Another dumb joke

**A farmer had a three legged pig and his neighbor asked him why the pig had only three legs. "Well, I'll tell you" the farmer replied. "One day I was plowing my field and the tractor turned over and pinned me underneath. That pig ran for help. He saved my life". "Oh, that's how he lost his leg?" th...

A poor farmer's pig gave birth to octuplets

He grew very fond of them, but the piglets had voracious appetites, and love them though he may, the farmer simply couldn't afford to keep feeding them.
One day, another farmer came by, and when he noticed the piglets, he was startled. "Not much fat on that piglet, why, it's practically skin a...

Did you hear about the pig who lost an eye?

He used to blink with both eyes. Now he oinks with one.

(My 3 year old son came up with it)

What do you call a pig who just lost at a game of tug-of-war?

Pulled pork

What do you get when you cross a human and a pig?

A visit from the FBI and an immediate removal of your government funding

Q: What do you get when you play Tug-of-War with a pig?

A: Pulled-Pork

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A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. He drinks the beer, then stands on the bar, drops his pants and pisses all over the place. The bar tender freaks out. "You dirty disgusting pig! How dare you come into my bar and urinate! I'll beat the shit out of you..."

The man begins crying. "I'm sorry! Its ruining my life. I can't sleep. I do it every time I have a drink! It's worrying me to death, please don't hit me..." The bar tender takes pity. "Look, I have a brother who is a psychiatrist, here's his card, why don't you see him?" The man hugs the bartender, ...

Why did the pig cross the road?

Because the chicken told him to teargas protestors for a photo-op

They say “when pigs fly” means impossible

But how come we have swine flu?

My pet pig loves soccer.

Usually he plays clean but as soon as he’s in mud he’s Messi.

What do you call medicine that you give to pigs?

Oinkment

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A farmer walks into his house with a duck under one arm

He walks into the living room where his wife is sitting on the couch and says “this is the pig I fuck when you’re not around.”
His wife says “You stupid bastard. That’s a duck, not a pig!”
The farmer says “I know. I was talking to the duck!

There. Fixed it.

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The Mint Contest

John runs a candy shop, selling mints of all kinds. Business was good, until Covid hit.

John realized he’ll have to shut down the store and risk losing his business, unless he could figure out a way to advertise and sell his confections on the Internet. His nephew suggested running a contest ...

So A girl got cheated on....

I overheard her complaining to her friends about how all men are pigs. She then said men just f*** Anything that walks. So I turn around, look at her teary eyes and i tell her that's a lie. Men also f*** women who can't walk.

Lets face it English is a stupid language There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England

French Fries Were Not Invented In France.

We Sometimes Take English For Granted

But If We Examine Its Paradoxes We Find That:

Quicksand Takes You Down Slowly

Boxing Rings Are Square

And A Guinea Pig Is Neither From Guinea Nor Is It A Pig.

If Writers Write, H...

What do you call a pig with fleas?

Pork scratchings
( I think that might just be a British thing so sorry if it is)

I once met a pig that made horse noises.

It was my neighbor.

What happens when you are hugging Dwayne Johnson and a pig?

You’re stuck between The Rock and a lard place.

A man holding several miniature pigs walks into a bar.

"Hey, barkeep!" he says, struggling to keep control of his quarry. "Any room for me and my friends?"

The bartender smiles and sets down some plastic cups. The man plops his friends inside, but the cups are too small.

"Um...barkeep?" the man says, pulling them out again. The bartender ...

So a horse is in a farm...

A horse is in a farm when one day he finds a website that claims it can teach any farm animal music.

"That's amazing," thinks the horse "I've always wanted to learn to sing."

He signs up for the website, and within a few weeks he is an incredible singer.

Impressed, he tells his ...

Two farmers each buy a pig at the market

The farmers, let’s call them Clarence and Earl (because those are the only names I can think of that sound like the names farmers would have), decide that in order to save money they would keep the pigs in the same pen. Clarence then tells Earl, “let’s clip the ear off of one of the pigs so we can t...

So if a Chicken carries salmonella, and a Cow carries e-coli, what does a pig carry?

A gun, a badge, and a "get out of jail free" card.

My father was killed by a herd of pigs.

The coroner labeled his death a sooie-cide

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