A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true.

“Does this also mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.

Wit...

What do you call a guinea pig that has become a member of the mafia?

A hamster

The Cow goes "Moooo". The Cat goes "Meow". The Pig goes "Oink".

The Dog goes "Ed-war....do"





(ik it's old but can't help it)

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Elon Musk has Tested his New Nerolink Brain Implant on Pigs

No word yet if it has successfully stopped them from shooting black people.

What do you call skin cream made from pigs?

Oinkment

What do you give to a sick Pig?

Oinkment :)

Did you hear the story of the man who was trampled to death by a wild pig...

I'd tell you, but it was a real bore

Whats the difference between a cooked sweet potato and a flying pig

One is a heated yam and the other is a yeeted ham

I met an old farmer who had a pig with a peg leg

I asked him, “Why do you have a pig with a peg leg?”

Looking very proud he responded, “Well, that’s an amazing pig. Never had such a great pig before.”

Not understanding, I asked, “Sure, but why does he have a peg leg?”

Then the old farmer said, “Well, there was this one time t...

What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig

The letter F

Elon Musk unveils pig with chip in its brain...

...it was from the Kenosha County Sheriff's Department.

In the 5th month of every year, my aunt let's her pigs in the field....

It's mayham!

Did you hear about the pig that ran the Post Office?

He was the first Porkmaster General.

The guy who sold me these pigs said I should bathe them every day.

Hogwash.

Why did the pig cross the road?

Because the chicken told him to teargas protestors for a photo-op

What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer's day?

I'm bacon!

What do you call a pig with three eyes?

Piiig!!!

Peggy Johnson was suing her neighbor, Dave, for harassment after he kept calling her "pig."

The two were fighting over their backyard borders, and so Dave took up to calling her a "pig." Peggy took him to court and sued him for harassment. The judge wanted to settle this immediately and issued an order for Dave to stop calling Peggy a "pig."

"Dave, I'm giving you a chance to walk aw...

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I heard that pigs can orgasm for 30 minutes

I asked the first cop I saw for a demonstration but he just smacked me with his baton.

Comrade Khrushchev goes to a pig farm and he is photographed there.

In the village newspaper office, there was a heated discussion about how to caption the photograph. “Pigs and Comrade Khrushchev”? “Comrade Khrushchev Among Pigs”? None will do. The editor finally makes a decision: “Third From Left: Comrade Khrushchev.”

Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig.

When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said "Paddy, me ol' mate, how are we going to tell who owns which fookin' pig?"

Paddy says "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of te ears off my fookin' pig, and ten we can tell them apart.” “Ah, dat id be grand" says Paddy.

This worked fine until a ...

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A pig's orgasm usually lasts 30 minutes...

Which is strange because my exes only lasted about 30 seconds.

What do you call a karate pig?

A pork chop.

A man holding several miniature pigs walks into a bar.

"Hey, barkeep!" he says, struggling to keep control of his quarry. "Any room for me and my friends?"

The bartender smiles and sets down some plastic cups. The man plops his friends inside, but the cups are too small.

"Um...barkeep?" the man says, pulling them out again. The bartender ...

Two pigs are sitting in the sun

One says: “I’m getting pretty hot!”
The other says: “Yeah I’m bacon!”

A travelling salesman passes a field and sees a pig with 3 legs

A travelling salesman passes a field and sees a pig with 3 legs. Intrigued, he pulls up to the farm house and asks the farmer, "What's up with that 3-legged pig?"

The farmer gets all misty-eyed and says, "Let me tell you 'bout that pig. A few years ago, we were all asleep when a fire broke ...

A Pig Walks Into A Bar,

And orders 13 beers, 5 shots and 2 large waters over 3 hrs. He then orders 7 more beers and 3 shots over another 2 hrs.

The Bartender asks him "Mr. Pig, you've drank so much! Don't you have to go to the bathroom?" The pig replies, "yes but I'm the little pig that goes wee wee all the way hom...

"You know, I decided to go and live with a pig."

"Are you crazy??? And how will you do with the stench? "

"Ehhhh .... he will get used to it! "

Some pig!

So a traveling salesman is driving past a farm when he sees a pig with a wooden leg out front. Curious, he goes to the house and knocks on the door. The farmer answers.

"What's the story with the pig with the wooden leg?" asks the salesman.

"Let me tell you about that pig," says the fa...

How do pigs get to the hospital?

A hambulance.

What do you call it when a beautiful woman tries to trick you into giving her a pig?

A bae con.

Three legged pig.

A farmer had a three legged pig, his friend asked him why the pig only had three legs. The farmer told him that he was a remarkable pig. One time when I was plowing the back forty, the tractor fell on me and the pig dug me out with his snout. Not only that, another time the farmhouse caught on fire ...

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There's this farmer, and he has this pig...

A prize winning sow, and he wants to breed her. His neighbor tells the farmer he has a stud pig, he'd be happy to accommodate. Guaranteed impregnation, the neighbor assures him. The farmer agrees.

The next morning the farmer loads the pig into his truck, drives her up the road to the neighbor...

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[NSFW] A man, a dog, and a pig wash up on a deserted island.

They're there for several years, until one day the man gets desperate, takes off his trousers, and tries to mount the pig. The dog, however, starts growling at him and baring its teeth, so he stops. A few weeks later he tries again, but this time the dog bites him on the arm until he stops.

L...

Props to my 7 year old nephew for this one. What do you call a spicy pig?

Peppa.

What do you get when you cross a pig and a dinosaur.

Jurassic Pork.

A cow, a pig, and a chicken walk into an estate...

...call that animal house

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What type of porn do pigs watch?

Hamateur.

Why can't pigs hear each other on the phone?

Because they have a pork connection.

What did the pig say to the spanish butcher?

Porque

John thought he could never catch an illness. When his co-worker asked him if he ever gets sick, he would always say “The day I become ill will be the day pigs fly.”

A few months later, it finally happened.

The swine flu.

So if a Chicken carries salmonella, and a Cow carries e-coli, what does a pig carry?

A gun, a badge, and a "get out of jail free" card.

A Jew, an Hindu and Karen survive a plane crash in the woods

They walk together trough the woods throughout the day and into the night looking for help.

At last, they find a little wooden house with a lit window and a barn next to it.

The Jewish man says:

"Finally, someone who can help us! Let's ask the owner if we can stay the night and ...

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An 18 year old girl tells her mom she's missed her period...

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom
that she has missed her period for two
months. Very worried, the mother goes
to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy
kit. The test result shows that the girl is
pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the
mother says, "Who was the pig that did...

What do you call if a pig is in a tug of war

Pulled pork

Sorry if this is a repost. I'm new to this subreddit

My brother told me he’s starting a grooming service for pigs.

But I’m sure it’s hogwash

They always say "when pigs fly"...

but cops have had helicopters for years!

Teacher:Kids what does a chicken give you Students: Eggs Teacher: Very good now what does the pig give you Kids: Bacon Teacher: Excellent now what does the fat cow give you

Kids: Homework

Today I saw the wurst thing happen to a pig

I wish I never sausage a thing

Why did the pig cross the street?

To clock in at the precinct

What's the difference between Trump and a flying pig? The letter 'F'

The letter 'F'







\*stolen from quora

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So a man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm

He looks at his wife, who is sitting on the bed, and says

"Honey, this is the pig I've been fucking."

His wife looks up at him and sneers

"That's not a pig you idiot."

The man replies

"I wasn't talking to you."

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Spanish pigs say "oinc-oinc".

French pigs say "Oinque"

Japanese pigs say "Oinku"

American pigs say "STOP RESISTING"

My girlfriend and I are huge movie quoters. When we give each other presents, we say, "WHAT'S IN THE BOX?! WHAT'S IN THE BOX?!?!?!?!"

Apparently when she asks, "How do I look?"
"That'll do, Pig. That'll do," isn't the right movie quote...

Why wasn't the wild pig invited to any parties?

Because everyone thought he was a boar.

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Kenny the rooster.

A couple saw an Ad for a rooster named Kenny in the paper for 100.00 and got curious. They called the seller and asked why he was so expensive. He said the rooster will fertilize everything he can get ahold of, and was a sure thing. He even talks occasionally. They went to see him.

When t...

The Three Legged Pig

A farmer had a three legged pig and his neighbor asked him why the pig had only three legs.

“Well, I’ll tell you” the farmer replied. “One day I was plowing my field and the tractor turned over and pinned me underneath. That pig ran for help. He saved my life”.

“Oh, that’s how he lost ...

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Three criminals rob a bank and make their getaway,

They are pursued by the police all the way to the countryside. The three criminals speed into a farm where they split up to hide. The police are close behind them.

The first criminal hides in the pigpen. The police go inside the pen where they hear the sound of something moving. "Oink Oink." ...

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Bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says....

...."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."


The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your ass and lick it al...

What do you call a flying pig?

A swine flu

An oilfield worker drives past the same farm everyday and always notices this pig with 3 legs.

One day he finally decides to stop by the farm and ask the farmer what’s going on with that pig.

“Well,” the farmer says, “my house was burning down one day and my poor old dog was trapped in there. Full on flames and smoke and that pig ran in and saved my dog.”

“Did his leg burn off?...

What is another term for "a pig in a blanket"?

My mother-in-law on a cold day

My pets ate all of my marijuana.

Damn pot-bellied pigs.

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A farmer had 5 female pigs but times were hard and he needed a solution.

A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned 5 male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decide...

What do you get when you crossbreed a horse and a wild pig?

Your neighboar

A girl goes over to her Italian grandfather’s house

to find him covered in salt and wrapping himself in pigs intestine. Shocked, the girl says “Grampa! What are you doing?!?”

The grandfather responds: “I founda I have-a the cancer, so I worka ona cure!”

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A woman is lying in bed and the husband brings a pig into the bedroom

Husband: "This is the pig I have to fuck when you've a 'headache'!"

Wife: "This is disgusting, take that thing out of our bedroom!"

"Husband: "I wasn't talking to you".

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Teacher: "A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes."

Little Johnny: "Your wife is a lucky lady."

Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school and Fred is all excited

“Man I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude’s house and guy had toilets made of pure gold!”

“No way!”

“Yes way,” insists Fred, “come with me and check it out for yourself if you don’t believe me.”

Twenty minutes later they’re ringing the doorbell at t...

Trump’s being driven through a backroad out to the White House...

Trump’s being driven through a backroad out to the White House one night when suddenly, the car lurches to a halt.

The driver explains that a pig from a nearby farm wandered onto the road and he hit it.
Trump is a bit annoyed, but tells the driver, "Just go to their house, tell them you're...

A lady yells: "NO! I WON'T SLEEP WITH YOU PIG!". Everyone in the bar stops and stares...

Completely embarrassed, the guy slinks back to his table with a red face.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.

She smiles and says: "I'm so sorry if I embarrassed you. I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassin...

What did the cool guy say to the 16th US President when his pigs began fusing with one another?

ayy bruh ham linkin

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A horse, chicken and a pig are out walking on a farm...

When suddenly the horse falls into a mud hole. The pig and chicken freak and they don’t know how they will get their friend out.

So the pig and chicken run up to the farmers house and they bang on the door, no answer... again they bang on the door, no answer.

In a fury the chicken bust...

Son asks his Dad for five dollars so he can buy a guinea pig.

His Dad says, "heres ten now go find yourself a nice Irish girl."

What sound does a French pig make?

Oinque

Guitar Horse

A horse and his mother are in the barn watching TV when an ad comes on. It's for a music school that can teach anyone to play any insturment, guaranteed. The horse has always wanted to be play the guitar, so he calls them up.

"Hey, I want to learn to play the guitar," he says, "Can you teach ...

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A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company.

There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright, but after a few months he gets lonely.
The pig starts to look more and more attractive, soft, pink flesh, round buttocks.
But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarl...

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Little Tommy lived on a farm,

He woke up one morning and went downstairs for breakfast. Little Tommy's mom said "no, you have to do your chores to get breakfast!"

Little Tommy stormed out of the house an went to feed the chickens and kicked one on the way out. He tromped over to the pigs and kicked one of them as he fill...

A guy was stranded on a desert island with only a pig and a dog.

Several months went by and he was feeling the pangs of having no female companionship. He started looking at the pig and thought, "hmm, not bad." So, he started making a move on the pig, but each time he did the dog would bark and growl ferociously and pull him off. Every day went by and he'd try to...

A travelling salesman was driving down a back road...

...when he saw a man in overalls, standing in an orchard, holding something that looked quite heavy up next to an apple tree. He decided to pull over and see what was going on.

He climbed over a fence and, as he got nearer, he realized that a farmer was holding a huge pig up about shoulder h...

Everyone knows the story of the three little pigs... here's another version:



The first little pig was playing in the forest, when the big bad wolf

spotted him and chased him back to his straw house. The pig hid inside,

peeking out at the wolf, who looked at the house, laughed, then huffed

and puffed and blew the house down. The pig, scared witles...

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My favourite joke :)

A guy driving a nice new Mercedes parks along the side of a road and opens the door but a car drives by at the same time and rips the door off the car before coming to a stop.

The Mercedes driver runs up to the car and starts yelling at the driver: ‘look at what you’ve done to my brand new M...

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The Tale of the Animal Band

So there was this horse, and recently he had gone through some tough times. His wife left him, he lost his job, and rent day was coming ever closer. This is when he had a brainwave: He was going to get his childhood band back together. So the first member to convince was the cow. Now the cow was pre...

What do you call a pig that eats other pigs?

Hammibal Lecter

How do you turn a pig into a fox?

8 beers.

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A man came to the doctor

Doctor: Name?



Man: Jonathan



Doctor: Sex?



Man: Yes all the time



Doctor: No, I mean male or female?



Man: Yes, male, female, sometimes a sheep or a pig



Doctor: Oh dear



Man: oh no, dears run fast

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Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems

The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem! Every morning I get up at 5:30 and have to take a piss, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour cause my pee barely trickles out."

"Heck, that's nothing, " said the eighty year old. "Every morning at 6:30 I have to take a shit, but I ha...

If a mass of beef fat is 'tallow', and mass of pig fat is 'lard', what is a mass of human fat called?

'American'.

Just kidding, it's actually called 'Yo Momma'.

How did the police officer find out?

A group of 4 friends were driving home one night through the country road near their home after a late night of partying and debauchery. As they drove through the twisty, poorly lit roads they struck a pig that had escaped its pasture.

Although the pig ran off seemingly with just a limp, the...

(Partial NSFW) I work at an abattoir and shot 3 pigs today.

I would have shot more but I had to go to work.

Interpol developed a test to figure out the best Law enforcement team in the world. Today's test involved the Scotland Yard, the FBI and Rio's Military Police.

The test consisted of releasing a bunny in the woods and giving it a 1 hour head start. The police department that found the bunny in the least amount of time would go on to the next phase.

First one to go was Scotland Yard. Using their best detectives, deductive skills and evidence analysis,...

What do you call a body of water made up of politicians?

Bay of Pigs.

Also works with “What do you call a body of water made up of cops?”

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