What’s the difference between a hot potato and a flying pig?

Ones a heated yam, and ones a yeeted ham.

Look a pig

A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Oh no, I look like a pig!"

The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"

Olie gets pulled over for speeding through town with a pig in the passenger seat.

So Olie gets pulled over by an officer of the law for running 100 mph through the middle of town with a pig in the passenger seat. The officer says "What in the world are you doing Olie? What's the hurry?" He says, "I"m just a trying to get dis here pig back to the farmer whose truck dis pig fell...

What do you call a pig that eats other pigs?

Hammibal Lecter

What do you call a stolen pig

Pulled pork

What do you call a pig with three eyes?

Piiig

What do you call a a pig wearing a witches hat in the Sahara?

A Ham Sand Witch.

How do you turn a pig into a fox?

8 beers.

You hear about the pig farmer who tried to make it big in Hollywood?

Had to move back home because he had too many poor scenes

Did you hear about the pig at the slaughterhouse?

He saw the entrance and went ham.

Using the phrase "when pigs fly" to suggest an impossibility is surely out of date.

The police have had helicopters for years now.

What does a thieving pig say?

Yoink.



My school was having a contest for the worst joke of the week and this was the best (or i guess worst) I had.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

And then the 96th little pig built his house out of depleted uranium

And the wolf was like "dude what the fuck"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company.

There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright, but after a few months he gets lonely.
The pig starts to look more and more attractive, soft, pink flesh, round buttocks.
But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarl...

Why should pigs stay away from a German butcher?

He brings out the wurst in them.

Why shouldn’t you tell a pig your secrets?

It’ll squeal.

What do you call a cooked pig that was beautiful?

Baecon

Bo started Pig Latin school

Bo started Pig Latin school, but he had a very hard time saying his name.

The teacher eventually kicked him out of class because he couldn't "obey."

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A horse, chicken and a pig are out walking on a farm...

When suddenly the horse falls into a mud hole. The pig and chicken freak and they don’t know how they will get their friend out.

So the pig and chicken run up to the farmers house and they bang on the door, no answer... again they bang on the door, no answer.

In a fury the chicken bust...

A lady yells: "NO! I WON'T SLEEP WITH YOU PIG!". Everyone in the bar stops and stares...

Completely embarrassed, the guy slinks back to his table with a red face.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.

She smiles and says: "I'm so sorry if I embarrassed you. I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassin...

Pigs in a blanket were invented in Alabama.

We know this because they're in bread.

Pigs using tools

A new study has found that pigs can actually use tools after a scientist in Paris saw one start digging with a piece of bark it had in its mouth.

Finally, it's about time that pigs can start bringing home the bacon.

What do pigs put on their cuts?

Oinkment

What did the sheep say to the pig on Christmas Day?

Fleece Navidad

What do you call a wise pig who's also a lumberjack?

A saw sage

Did you hear about the pig that saved a man's life?

There was this guy who was starving to death...

What do you give a pig with a rash?

**OINKMENT**






^^i'll ^^see ^^myself ^^out

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An 18 year-old Italian girl tells her mother she missed her period for two moths.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Fer...

A boy goes to his grandfather and asks him for 5 bucks to buy a Guinea pig.

Grampa gives him ten and tells him to go find a nice Irish girl instead.

Is it true that pigs bath twice a day?

No, that story is just a load of hogwash.

What do pigs like to rub on their skin?

Oinkment.

Why was the pig forced to sleep on the floor?

He was hogging the bed!

President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night

President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.

Trump told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees his driver staggering back...

In the beginning, God asked Adam to name the animals, so he began to invent names, “Lion, Tiger, Horse, Cow, Pig...” Then God said, “You must name the sea animals too.” Adam was exhausted, but he knew how important this was, so he continued...

“Sea lion, Tiger shark, Sea horse, Sea cow, Sea pig…”

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A farmer had 5 female pigs but times were hard and he needed a solution.

A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned 5 male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decide...

Where does a pig's soul go when they die?

Porkatory.

A Farmer and His Pigs

One day, a businessman living in New York decides he needs a break. He is feeling a little beat-up by the stresses of city life, and he concludes that a leisurely drive in the country would do him a world of good. So, he rents a car, and he sets off on his quest to find some peace of mind.

As...

What do you call a pig mixed with a dinosaur?

Jurassic Pork.

I’ll leave now.

I once worked at a slaughterhouse and saw a pig get killed

I never sausage a thing

What did the pig say when somebody told him he was making cupcakes all wrong?

Listen, I’ve been bacon my whole life.

Why do male pigs make everyone fall asleep?

It's because their real boars to be with.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If all men are pigs I must be gay

Because I love bacon

At the start of the wedding party the organizer announced that they had ordered a whole pig, but something went wrong with the delivery and the pig would be late/not coming.

One guest said: "I hope this will be the last time in this relationship that someone says "what is taking that pig so long?""

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A man, a, dog and a pig are stranded on a tropical island after a shipwreck...

The trio learn to survive on this island, finding shelter, food and water. They also become good friends and enjoy their new life on what is becoming a tropical paradise.

A few weeks go by and the group is sitting on the beach one evening shooting the breeze. This particular evening the sunse...

When a pig is castrated

Is it disgruntled?

If a mass of beef fat is 'tallow', and mass of pig fat is 'lard', what is a mass of human fat called?

'American'.

Just kidding, it's actually called 'Yo Momma'.

A redneck walks along the carnival with a pig on his shoulders...

...' did you win that on the carnival? ' Someone asks....

'Sure did !!' the pig answers.

I took my dying pig to the vet

Imagine my surprise when he said he had cured it .. there’s a man who really knows his salt.

What do you call the pigs that live next to horses?

Neigh Boars

Went to visit my farmer friend and noticed a three-legged pig in the barnyard...

When I asked him what happened he said, “A couple of years ago, we had a fire in the cellar and that pig went to squealing and screaming and raising holy hell to wake us all up in time. Saved all our lives.

“Then, last summer, that pig saw a rattlesnake was sneaking up on little Timmy as he w...

What do you get when you cross a pig with a bird?

Swine Flew

Why shouldn't the corn dog & the pig in a blanket have kids together?

They're both inbred.

I edited my pig's genes to make it taste better

you might even say the bacon is CRISPR

One day a chicken and a pig were having a conversation

The chicken suggests the two should start a restaurant.

The pig is intrigued by the idea and says, “That sounds great. I’m an entrepreneurial type of hog. I’m sick of working for the farmer. But what are we going to call the restaurant?”

The chicken thinks. Then scratches and pecks at ...

What kind of printer do pigs use?

An oinkjet printer

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An Amish farmer is walking through his field when he sees a guy drinking from his pond, scooping it up with his hand.

The farmer says,
"Trinken sie nicht das wasser, die
kuhe unddie schweine haben in ihm
geschissen," which means, 'Don't
drink the water, the cows and the
pigs shit in it'


The guy shouts back, "I'm a Trump
supporter, and this is America. I
don't understand your gibberi...

"Fred, how'd that pig get him a wooden leg?" [long]

Farmer Jones got out of his car and while heading for his friend's door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg. His curiosity roused, he asked, "Fred, how'd that pig get him a wooden leg?"

"Well, Michael, that's a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the w...

A Pig Walks Into A Bar...

He takes a seat and orders a beer.

After he drinks it, he asks the bartender where the restroom is. "Down the hall to the right," the bartender replies.

The pig uses the restroom and leaves.



A few minutes later another pig comes into the bar and orders two beers.

...

What do you get when you mix a pig and a karate master?

A porkchop.

What position does a pig play in football?

Loinbacker

What does a pig say on a hot summer day?

"I'm bacon out here!"

Pig says oink, cow says moo. What does hostile takeover pigeon say?

Coup.

A man walks into a bar with a pig under his arms.

"Where did you get that disgusting creature?" exclaimed the barman.

To which the pig replied "I won him in a raffle".

There was a farmer with a three legged pig ...

One day an old friend from out of town stops by for a visit. He sees the three legged pig laying by the farmer and asks why does the pig have only three legs?

The farmer says, that pig right there? That’s the greatest pig in the world. One night the barn caught on fire and that pig woke my...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horse wants to start a band

A horse wants to start a band. However, he can’t sing; So he goes to a vet.



He asks the vet, “Can you give me vocal cords so I can sing?” The vet agrees and gives the horse vocal cords.

A chicken sees this and wants to join the band, so he asks the vet, “can you give me lips so...

Where do pigs go to work?

To the bakery because they be bakin'.

What does a pig buy if his skin becomes sore?

Oinkment

I had a pig for dinner

We shared the dessert.

What happens when you mate a pig with a politician?

Nothing, because there are some things even a pig won’t do.

What kind of cough drops do pigs take?

Reeeeeecola

Pigs

I was driving down a country lane when I hit a pig, I wasn’t dead yet so I called my Dad for advice, he said put it out of its misery, so I went over and hit it with a tyre iron.
I said to my Dad, okay that’s better but his motorbike is still stuck under my car

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A man walks in on his wife in the bedroom

With a sheep under his arm, much to his wife's horror.

"honey, this is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

The wife angrily replied "well for a start, that's not a pig, you bloody idiot!"

"I wasn't talking to you!" he replied.

Why does everyone use the expression “When Pigs Fly?”

I don’t get it... Hercules rode on his Pigasus YEARS ago!

What do you call a pig in a graveyard

Dead Meat

Did you hear the one about pigs flying?

Yeah, I didn't either... it must be written in invisible oink!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dennis and two pigs are flying a spaceship

Mission control: Pig one, press the red button!
the pig says 'oink oink' and presses the red button.
Mission control: Pig two, press the blue button!
the other pig says 'oink oink' and presses the blue button.
Mc: Dennis, feed the pigs and don't touch anything!

How do you say ‘direction’ in pig Latin?

Hope you had a good one!

The farm animals got amnesia...

Cow: What noise do I make, Mr?

Me: Mooooo!

Pig: And what noise do I make?

Me: Oink Oink!

Cat: What about me?

Me: Ow.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In a stable were an old horse and a pig.

One morning, the farmer found the old horse in a bad shape and he said to himself : "That's no good, no good..." and he left.

The day after, the same happens again but the horse is even in worse shape. "Really, really no good", said the farmer. And he left again.

So the pig went to the...

If you search "pig" on Google Images, every image has the same file type.

They're all .jpigs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mary had a little pig, She kept it fat and plastered;

And when the price of pork went up,

She shot the little bastard.

What do pigs put on their skin to get rid of acne?

Oinkment

Why did the pig jump into the pot of stew?

Because it was stew-pig

A guy, a pig, and a dog are the only survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they find themselves stranded on a desert island.

After being there for awhile, they get into a ritual of going to the beach every night to watch the sun go down.

One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle -- in short, a perfect night for romance! Well, that pig started looking bette...

Why did no one like to hang with the male pig?

He was too Boar-ing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A politician’s chauffeur ran over a pig while visiting the farmlands.

The politician told the chauffeur to find the owner of the pig and apologize to him and offer him compensation for this accident. So the chauffeur went to look for the farmer who owned the pig. Couple of hours later, the chauffeur returned with lots of goods like eggs, butter, meat and chickens. ...

Did you hear about the kid that got a skin graft from a pig?

Pork kid

A pig walks into a bar, orders twenty beers, and starts chugging them all one by one.

“That’s impressive,” says the bartender. “Want to know where the bathroom is?”



The pig replies, “No thanks, pal. I’m just going to go wee wee wee all the way home.”

What do pigs use when they get hurt?

Oink-ment

(My 7 year old made this up and wanted me to share!)

There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast. On his way in he kicked a cow, a pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks.

His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you."

Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicks the cat.

The boy says "Will you tell him, or should I ?"

What do you call a pig with a skin disease?

Hogwarts..

What do you call 50 female pigs and 50 male deer?

100 sows and bucks.

The Three-Legged Pig

An insurance salesman decides to make one last cold call on his country route and winds up way in the back country at the end of a dirt road. He drives up to the farm, gets out of the car with his briefcase, and walks up to the door. On his way, he glances at the fenced in area attached to the bar...

Why did the pig go out to sunbathe?

It was bacon in the heat.



(my son's joke... he has a bunch)

A pig, a cow, and a chicken walk into a barbecue.

The End

What do you get when you light a pig on fire?

a piglit

What's the best place to organise a pig race?

BuckingHam Palace!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Italians enter the bus in New York and start very noisy conversation:

" .... 'em come first, then I come, two asses together, I come again, two asses together, then I pee, pee again and I come in the end... "

An old lady nereby can't stand it any longer and says:

" You pigs, what a shame to discuss your disgusting sexual life on public!!!! "

Itali...

Honourable Minister

A man was taken to court for calling an Honourable Minister a pig.

It was his first offence and the Judge was in a good mood and decided to show mercy.

So he discharged him after warning him to desist from unguarded utterances in future.

The man removed his cap and thanked the ...

What do you call a royal pig that is falling asleep?

Prince Nodding Ham

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