President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night

President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.

Trump told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees his driver staggering back...

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A horse, chicken and a pig are out walking on a farm...

When suddenly the horse falls into a mud hole. The pig and chicken freak and they don’t know how they will get their friend out.

So the pig and chicken run up to the farmers house and they bang on the door, no answer... again they bang on the door, no answer.

In a fury the chicken bust...

What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig.

The F

What do you call it when pigs attack you?

A hambush.

In the beginning, God asked Adam to name the animals, so he began to invent names, “Lion, Tiger, Horse, Cow, Pig...” Then God said, “You must name the sea animals too.” Adam was exhausted, but he knew how important this was, so he continued...

“Sea lion, Tiger shark, Sea horse, Sea cow, Sea pig…”

Why was the pig forced to sleep on the floor?

He was hogging the bed!

What do pigs like to rub on their skin?

Oinkment.

A lady yells: "NO! I WON'T SLEEP WITH YOU PIG!". Everyone in the bar stops and stares...

Completely embarrassed, the guy slinks back to his table with a red face.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.

She smiles and says: "I'm so sorry if I embarrassed you. I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassin...

Went to visit my farmer friend and noticed a three-legged pig in the barnyard...

When I asked him what happened he said, “A couple of years ago, we had a fire in the cellar and that pig went to squealing and screaming and raising holy hell to wake us all up in time. Saved all our lives.

“Then, last summer, that pig saw a rattlesnake was sneaking up on little Timmy as he w...

Why do male pigs make everyone fall asleep?

It's because their real boars to be with.

Where does a pig's soul go when they die?

Porkatory.

What did the pig say when somebody told him he was making cupcakes all wrong?

Listen, I’ve been bacon my whole life.

What do you call a pig mixed with a dinosaur?

Jurassic Pork.

I’ll leave now.

What do you give a pig with a rash?

**OINKMENT**






^^i'll ^^see ^^myself ^^out

What do people say when you mix rat, pig and human DNA?

Hello congressman.

Not stolen!

What’s the difference between a baked sweet potato and a flying pig?

One’s a heated yam and the other’s a yeeted ham.

A farmer drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door...

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

“Is your mom or dad home?” The farmer asked the boy

“No, they went in to town.” The boy replied

“Well, how about your brother Howard?” The farmer asked

“No, he went with mom and dad.” The boy said

The farmer stood there for a minut...

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A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company.

There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright, but after a few months he gets lonely.
The pig starts to look more and more attractive, soft, pink flesh, round buttocks.
But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarl...

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If all men are pigs I must be gay

Because I love bacon

At the start of the wedding party the organizer announced that they had ordered a whole pig, but something went wrong with the delivery and the pig would be late/not coming.

One guest said: "I hope this will be the last time in this relationship that someone says "what is taking that pig so long?""

When a pig is castrated

Is it disgruntled?

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A man walks home with a duck under his arm...

"See?" He says "This is the pig I'm fucking."

"Honey, that's not a Pig..." Says the Wife

The husband says "I was talking to the Duck."

What do you get when you play tug-of-war with a pig?

Pulled pork

What do you call a pig that knows martial arts?

Pork Chop

The Horse, the Cow and the Pig.

There once was a barn with 3 best friends who happened to be a Horse, a Pig, and a Cow.

They are together listening to the radio through the window of the barn and the Horse hears am the guitar and he says “ hey I really love the guitar, you know what I’m gonna learn it”, so he goes off and l...

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A man, a, dog and a pig are stranded on a tropical island after a shipwreck...

The trio learn to survive on this island, finding shelter, food and water. They also become good friends and enjoy their new life on what is becoming a tropical paradise.

A few weeks go by and the group is sitting on the beach one evening shooting the breeze. This particular evening the sunse...

A redneck walks along the carnival with a pig on his shoulders...

...' did you win that on the carnival? ' Someone asks....

'Sure did !!' the pig answers.

A Hindu, a Rabbi, and a Jehovah's Witness are lost..

They wander across a farmstead and ask to spend the night.

"I only have room for two, so one of you will have to stay in the barn," says the Farm Owner.

The Hindu immediately volunteers, insisting it's no problem. However, a few minutes later, he knocks on the front door.

"I'm s...

If a mass of beef fat is 'tallow', and mass of pig fat is 'lard', what is a mass of human fat called?

'American'.

Just kidding, it's actually called 'Yo Momma'.

What do you get when you cross a pig with a bird?

Swine Flew

One day a chicken and a pig were having a conversation

The chicken suggests the two should start a restaurant.

The pig is intrigued by the idea and says, “That sounds great. I’m an entrepreneurial type of hog. I’m sick of working for the farmer. But what are we going to call the restaurant?”

The chicken thinks. Then scratches and pecks at ...

What do you get when you mix a pig and a karate master?

A porkchop.

A farmer had 5 female pigs but times were hard and he needed a solution.

A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned 5 male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decide...

What kind of printer do pigs use?

An oinkjet printer

A blonde colors her hair red and moves countryside

She meets a farmer and challenges him: "If I can guess your profession, I get your dog for free."
The farmer agrees.
The blonde declares that he is a farmer, and wins the bet.
As she's stuffing the animal into the trunk of her Fiat, the farmer says: "if I can guess your real hair color, ca...

What do you call the pigs that live next to horses?

Neigh Boars

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The 3 farmers

Once there was 3 really poor farmers. One day they saw a flier for the county fair. World's fattest pig wins 1 million dollars. There pig wasn't fat at all but one of the farmers had an idea. They trained a monkey to put corks in bottles. After a week of training the monkey. They throw the monkey in...

I took my dying pig to the vet

Imagine my surprise when he said he had cured it .. there’s a man who really knows his salt.

What does a pig say on a hot summer day?

"I'm bacon out here!"

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Dennis and two pigs are flying a spaceship

Mission control: Pig one, press the red button!
the pig says 'oink oink' and presses the red button.
Mission control: Pig two, press the blue button!
the other pig says 'oink oink' and presses the blue button.
Mc: Dennis, feed the pigs and don't touch anything!

Why shouldn't the corn dog & the pig in a blanket have kids together?

They're both inbred.

Pig says oink, cow says moo. What does hostile takeover pigeon say?

Coup.

A man walks into a bar with a pig under his arms.

"Where did you get that disgusting creature?" exclaimed the barman.

To which the pig replied "I won him in a raffle".

"Fred, how'd that pig get him a wooden leg?" [long]

Farmer Jones got out of his car and while heading for his friend's door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg. His curiosity roused, he asked, "Fred, how'd that pig get him a wooden leg?"

"Well, Michael, that's a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the w...

What position does a pig play in football?

Loinbacker

I edited my pig's genes to make it taste better

you might even say the bacon is CRISPR

There was a farmer with a three legged pig ...

One day an old friend from out of town stops by for a visit. He sees the three legged pig laying by the farmer and asks why does the pig have only three legs?

The farmer says, that pig right there? That’s the greatest pig in the world. One night the barn caught on fire and that pig woke my...

what does peppa pig build with?

a ham-mer

Where do pigs go to work?

To the bakery because they be bakin'.

What does a pig buy if his skin becomes sore?

Oinkment

Why does everyone use the expression “When Pigs Fly?”

I don’t get it... Hercules rode on his Pigasus YEARS ago!

Pigs

I was driving down a country lane when I hit a pig, I wasn’t dead yet so I called my Dad for advice, he said put it out of its misery, so I went over and hit it with a tyre iron.
I said to my Dad, okay that’s better but his motorbike is still stuck under my car

Why did the pig jump into the pot of stew?

Because it was stew-pig

What happens when you mate a pig with a politician?

Nothing, because there are some things even a pig won’t do.

What do you call a pig in a graveyard

Dead Meat

I had a pig for dinner

We shared the dessert.

Did you hear the one about pigs flying?

Yeah, I didn't either... it must be written in invisible oink!

What do pigs put on their skin to get rid of acne?

Oinkment

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A politician’s chauffeur ran over a pig while visiting the farmlands.

The politician told the chauffeur to find the owner of the pig and apologize to him and offer him compensation for this accident. So the chauffeur went to look for the farmer who owned the pig. Couple of hours later, the chauffeur returned with lots of goods like eggs, butter, meat and chickens. ...

If you search "pig" on Google Images, every image has the same file type.

They're all .jpigs.

Why did the pig go out to sunbathe?

It was bacon in the heat.



(my son's joke... he has a bunch)

A pig walks into a bar, orders twenty beers, and starts chugging them all one by one.

“That’s impressive,” says the bartender. “Want to know where the bathroom is?”



The pig replies, “No thanks, pal. I’m just going to go wee wee wee all the way home.”

How do you say ‘direction’ in pig Latin?

Hope you had a good one!

Why did no one like to hang with the male pig?

He was too Boar-ing.

A Pig Walks Into A Bar...

He takes a seat and orders a beer.

After he drinks it, he asks the bartender where the restroom is. "Down the hall to the right," the bartender replies.

The pig uses the restroom and leaves.



A few minutes later another pig comes into the bar and orders two beers.

...

What kind of cough drops do pigs take?

Reeeeeecola

The Three-Legged Pig

An insurance salesman decides to make one last cold call on his country route and winds up way in the back country at the end of a dirt road. He drives up to the farm, gets out of the car with his briefcase, and walks up to the door. On his way, he glances at the fenced in area attached to the bar...

What do you call a pig with a skin disease?

Hogwarts..

A guy, a pig, and a dog are the only survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they find themselves stranded on a desert island.

After being there for awhile, they get into a ritual of going to the beach every night to watch the sun go down.

One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle -- in short, a perfect night for romance! Well, that pig started looking bette...

What's the best place to organise a pig race?

BuckingHam Palace!

There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast. On his way in he kicked a cow, a pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks.

His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you."

Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicks the cat.

The boy says "Will you tell him, or should I ?"

What do you call 50 female pigs and 50 male deer?

100 sows and bucks.

Why do pigs have a ring through their nose?

To make pulled pork.

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Breakfast with little Johnny

Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said Little Johnny.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
<...

How did the 3 little pigs build their houses?

With HAMmers!

Did you hear about the kid that got a skin graft from a pig?

Pork kid

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Mary had a little pig, She kept it fat and plastered;

And when the price of pork went up,

She shot the little bastard.

What do you call a baby pig?

A bacon seed.

Mrs Rosenfeld is suing Mr Ramsay for calling her a pig

Mr Ramsay asks the judge: "is it illegal for me to call Mrs Rosenfeld a pig?"

The judge replies: "yes, of course it's illegal."

Mr Ramsay asks again: "ok, but am I allowed to call a pig 'Mrs Rosenfeld' your honor?"

The judge says: "well yeah, there is no law against that."
<...

What do you call a royal pig that is falling asleep?

Prince Nodding Ham

I saw my ex-wife walking by me on the sidewalk with a duck under her arm. I asked '"What are you doing with that pig?"

She exclaimed, "It's not a pig! It's a duck!"

"I know", I replied. "I was talking to the duck."

What do you get when you light a pig on fire?

a piglit

If a pig loses its voice . . .

does it become disgruntled>

What do you call a pig with 3 eyes?

piiig

A pig, a cow, and a chicken walk into a barbecue.

The End

What do you call a pig with high aspirations in life?

Hambitious

How do you help a pig that’s choking on something?

With the Hamlich manoeuvre.

I came up with this joke about wild pigs but...

It boars everyone I tell so I’m keeping to myself...

What did Cher say to the orphan pig she rescued?

Babe, I got you babe.

What do you call arranging two pigs shoulder to shoulder?

Parallel porking

What do pigs use when they get hurt?

Oink-ment

(My 7 year old made this up and wanted me to share!)

What do you call a symphony comprised entirely of pigs?

A porkestra.

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A farmer bought some breeding pigs

but after several weeks, not one was pregnant. He called the vet for help. "Why don't you try artificial insemination" said the vet.

The farmer didn't have an inkling of what artificial insemination was, but, not wanting to appear ignorant, he said, "Okay, Doc, but how will I know when the pi...

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It's a well known belief that pigs have 30 minute lasting orgasms

Yet that can't be further from the truth considering that the one I fucked didn't appear to have any.

I work with a Muslim that keeps calling me an “American Pig”

He’s a piece of Shiite

The Farmer and His Pigs

One day, a businessman living in New York decides he needs a break. He is feeling a little beat-up by the stresses of city life, and he concludes that a leisurely drive in the country would do him a world of good. So, he rents a car, and he sets off on his quest to find some peace of mind.

As...

An angry mom once told me that she’d get her kid vaccinated when pigs fly.

Alas, swine flu.

A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Och, I look like a pig!"

The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"

Some pig!

I'm new here so I apologize if someone else has shared this one before, but here goes.

A couple have their pastor over for dinner on Sunday. He christened their baby a few months before, so they wanted to thank him with a nice dinner.

As they're finishing up, a pig with three legs walk...

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