A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true.

“Does this also mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.

Wit...

(written by my 13-year-old son) What do you call a pig with herpes?

A warthog.

A man visiting a farm notices a pig with only three legs.

He asks the farmer about the pig.

"Ah", says the father, "that pig, he be a mighty pig, that one. When me 'ouse got on fire that pig rushed in and dragged me and th'wife to safety. A miracle pig, he is."

"But that doesn't explain why he has three legs," said the man.

"Aye, a m...

what do would happen if pigs could fly?

idk but the price of bacon would Skyrocket

What do you get when you pick a pig's nose?

Ham Boogers

A guy found this pig on the side of the road...

Not knowing what to do with it, he brought it over to the police station to ask what he should do with it. The policeman tells him to take the pig to the zoo.
A couple weeks later the same police officer was on highway patrol and he sees the guy in his driving in his convertible with the pig loun...

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Pig

A man walks up to his wife with a duck under his arm and says

"This is the pig I've been fucking"

Wife says "that's not a pig, that's a duck"

Husband says "I wasn't talking to you"

When I was a little kid, I thought "This little piggy went to market." meant it went shopping.

It does not.

Peggy Johnson was suing her neighbor, Dave, for harassment after he kept calling her "pig."

The two were fighting over their backyard borders, and so Dave took up to calling her a "pig." Peggy took him to court and sued him for harassment. The judge wanted to settle this immediately and issued an order for Dave to stop calling Peggy a "pig."

"Dave, I'm giving you a chance to walk aw...

A pig walks into a bar and orders ten beers.

As soon as the pig is finished drinking the beers, he pays the bartender and starts to leave the bar.

"Wait!" says the bartender. "You drank so much beer. Wouldn't it be wise to use the bathroom before leaving?"

"Not for me," says the pig. "I'm the type of pig that goes wee wee wee all...

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Three Farmers, a Pig and a Monkey

Three Farmers are raising a pig for the fair, trying to put their brains together to beat everyone else out. One of them gets the idea to put a cork in its butt, "if it can't poop it will get huge!" So they do this, and when the fair comes it's the biggest pig the county has ever seen and they win. ...

Did you hear about the farmer that called his herd of pigs and ended up being trampled?

Was the first report of sooey-cide in the whole state.

Someone told me you can clean pigs with vodka

sounds like Absolut hogwash if you ask me

What do you call a pig that's angry about being cold?

A ham brr grr!

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Nazi walks into a bar with a pig under his arm...

The bartender says "Get that filthy animal out of my bar".

The pig says "Can I get a drink first?"

What do you call a pig with 3 eyes ?

Piiig.

What is the difference between hot potato and a flying pig?

One's a heated yam, and one's a yeeted ham.

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A man was driving up a steep and narrow mountain road. A woman was driving down the same road. As they passed each other, the woman leaned out the window and yelled, "Pig!" The man immediately leaned out his window and replied, "Bitch!"

They continue on their way, and as the man rounded the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

My pet pig loves soccer.

Usually he plays clean but as soon as he’s in mud he’s Messi.

Q: What do you get when you play Tug-of-War with a pig?

A: Pulled-Pork

What do you call a guinea pig that has become a member of the mafia?

A hamster

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Not so sure my new year is getting off on a good start. Last night I ate like a pig and got incredibly drunk.

First thing I did this morning when I woke up was take an enormous, smelly shit. Second thing I did was get out of bed.

What do you call a pig who just lost at a game of tug-of-war?

Pulled pork

What happens when you are hugging Dwayne Johnson and a pig?

You’re stuck between The Rock and a lard place.

A pig, a dog, and a sheep are sitting at a table. A plate of 20 biscuits are served.

The pig grabs 19 and says to the dog: “Watch out, that sheep wants to take your biscuit.”

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What do you call extra skin on a pig’s penis?

The boar skin.

Two farmers each buy a pig at the market

The farmers, let’s call them Clarence and Earl (because those are the only names I can think of that sound like the names farmers would have), decide that in order to save money they would keep the pigs in the same pen. Clarence then tells Earl, “let’s clip the ear off of one of the pigs so we can t...

What do you get when you cross a pig and a dinosaur?

Jurassic Pork.

How do pigs communicate?

Swine language

How can you tell the difference between a horse and a pig?

The horse is the one that doesn't look like a pig.

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A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. He drinks the beer, then stands on the bar, drops his pants and pisses all over the place. The bar tender freaks out. "You dirty disgusting pig! How dare you come into my bar and urinate! I'll beat the shit out of you..."

The man begins crying. "I'm sorry! Its ruining my life. I can't sleep. I do it every time I have a drink! It's worrying me to death, please don't hit me..." The bar tender takes pity. "Look, I have a brother who is a psychiatrist, here's his card, why don't you see him?" The man hugs the bartender, ...

They say “when pigs fly” means impossible

But how come we have swine flu?

What is Peppa Pig's favourite food?

Her favourite food is Peppa-roni

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A Jew, a Muslim, and a Jehovah's Witness were driving through the countryside when their car broke down.

The only house in the vicinity was an old farmhouse, so they decided to stay there for the night.

"I'm so sorry," said the farmer. "The bed in the guest room only has room for two people." So he volunteered the Jew to sleep in the barn.

Five minutes later, the farmer heard a knock on t...

What did the police officer say to the pig thief?

Come out with your hams up!

My father was killed by a herd of pigs.

The coroner labeled his death a sooie-cide

I met an old farmer who had a pig with a peg leg

I asked him, “Why do you have a pig with a peg leg?”

Looking very proud he responded, “Well, that’s an amazing pig. Never had such a great pig before.”

Not understanding, I asked, “Sure, but why does he have a peg leg?”

Then the old farmer said, “Well, there was this one time t...

Lets face it English is a stupid language

There is no egg in the eggplant

No ham in the hamburger

And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.

English muffins were not invented in England

French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted

But if we examine its paradoxes ...

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The farmer

A farmer walks upstairs to his bedroom with a chicken under his arm and stands before his wife.

“This is the pig I’ve been fucking”

His wife rolls over and sees the farmer.

“You idiot that’s a chicken”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP IM TALKIN TO THE CHICKEN”

In the 5th month of every year, my aunt let's her pigs in the field....

It's mayham!

The guy who sold me these pigs said I should bathe them every day.

Hogwash.

Did you hear about the pig who lost an eye?

He used to blink with both eyes. Now he oinks with one.

(My 3 year old son came up with it)

Why did the pig cross the road?

Because the chicken told him to teargas protestors for a photo-op

What do you call medicine that you give to pigs?

Oinkment

What are a pig's favourite past time?

Bakin'

Did you hear about the pig who thought he caught Covid on a plane?

Turned out to be the 'swine flew'

A traveling salesman is driving down a country road one day, and spies a farmhouse with a pig sty just off the front porch.

Finding this to be a little odd, he slows down to take a closer look, and sees a single, well cared-for pig in the sty. Odder still, on closer inspection, he sees that the pig has one wooden leg.

Consumed with curiosity, he heads up the driveway to the farmer's home, hops out of his car, and ...

What do you get when you cross a human and a pig?

A visit from the FBI and an immediate removal of your government funding

The farmer, the hired hand, and the pig

A farmer hired a mentally challenged youth to perform tasks around the farm. The young man excelled at the tasks he was given and soon earned the farmer's trust.

One day the farmer told him to take the truck and go to town and buy some feed for the animals. He told him that If he had any prob...

What do you call a pig with fleas?

Pork scratchings
( I think that might just be a British thing so sorry if it is)

What do you call a pig that’s sunburned

Rare

I once met a pig that made horse noises.

It was my neighbor.

What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer's day?

I'm bacon!

Two pigs are sitting in the sun

One says: “I’m getting pretty hot!”
The other says: “Yeah I’m bacon!”

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[NSFW] A man, a dog, and a pig wash up on a deserted island.

They're there for several years, until one day the man gets desperate, takes off his trousers, and tries to mount the pig. The dog, however, starts growling at him and baring its teeth, so he stops. A few weeks later he tries again, but this time the dog bites him on the arm until he stops.

L...

Did you hear about the pig that ran the Post Office?

He was the first Porkmaster General.

Did you hear the one about the Butcher's pet pig?

It didn't make the cut.

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A woman is in bed reading when her husband walks into the room with a sheep under his arm

He says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache ".

His wife replies, "I think you'll find that that is a sheep."

Husband says, "I think you'll find that I was talking to the sheep."

When is a pig not pork.

When you cook it with pine nuts, it’s a pork you pine.

What do you call a young thespian pig?

Hamlet

Jacking off and being a pig

Kinda go Ham in hand

A Hindu, a Rabbi, and a Jehovah's Witness are lost..

They wander across a farmstead and ask to spend the night.

"I only have room for two, so one of you will have to stay in the barn," says the Farm Owner.

The Hindu immediately volunteers, insisting it's no problem. However, a few minutes later, he knocks on the front door.

"I'm s...

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Elon Musk has Tested his New Nerolink Brain Implant on Pigs

No word yet if it has successfully stopped them from shooting black people.

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A pig's orgasm usually lasts 30 minutes...

Which is strange because my exes only lasted about 30 seconds.

Elon Musk unveils pig with chip in its brain...

...it was from the Kenosha County Sheriff's Department.

Did you hear the story of the man who was trampled to death by a wild pig...

I'd tell you, but it was a real bore

I saw a stage production of "The Three Pigs" yesterday.

The pigs were pretty boaring, but the wolf really brought down the house.

A college student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch.

However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:

‘A swan shan’t be friends with a pig.’

‘Then I shall fly on,’ answered the student with a smile.

The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to...

What Are We Eating?

A can of tuna has a picture of a tuna fish

A pack of Ham has a picture of a pig

Turkey has a picture of a turkey

Egg carton has a picture of a chicken

Beef has a picture of a cow

Dogfood has a picture of a dog

What's the difference between an investment banker and a pig?

The pig doesn't turn into an investment banker when it's drunk.

Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig.

When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said "Paddy, me ol' mate, how are we going to tell who owns which fookin' pig?"

Paddy says "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of te ears off my fookin' pig, and ten we can tell them apart.” “Ah, dat id be grand" says Paddy.

This worked fine until a ...

"You know, I decided to go and live with a pig."

"Are you crazy??? And how will you do with the stench? "

"Ehhhh .... he will get used to it! "

Some pig!

So a traveling salesman is driving past a farm when he sees a pig with a wooden leg out front. Curious, he goes to the house and knocks on the door. The farmer answers.

"What's the story with the pig with the wooden leg?" asks the salesman.

"Let me tell you about that pig," says the fa...

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There's this farmer, and he has this pig...

A prize winning sow, and he wants to breed her. His neighbor tells the farmer he has a stud pig, he'd be happy to accommodate. Guaranteed impregnation, the neighbor assures him. The farmer agrees.

The next morning the farmer loads the pig into his truck, drives her up the road to the neighbor...

John thought he could never catch an illness. When his co-worker asked him if he ever gets sick, he would always say “The day I become ill will be the day pigs fly.”

A few months later, it finally happened.

The swine flu.

A man holding several miniature pigs walks into a bar.

"Hey, barkeep!" he says, struggling to keep control of his quarry. "Any room for me and my friends?"

The bartender smiles and sets down some plastic cups. The man plops his friends inside, but the cups are too small.

"Um...barkeep?" the man says, pulling them out again. The bartender ...

A travelling salesman passes a field and sees a pig with 3 legs

A travelling salesman passes a field and sees a pig with 3 legs. Intrigued, he pulls up to the farm house and asks the farmer, "What's up with that 3-legged pig?"

The farmer gets all misty-eyed and says, "Let me tell you 'bout that pig. A few years ago, we were all asleep when a fire broke ...

[LONG] Three Robbers Are Making a Getaway.

Having escaped the museum with a Van Gogh, a Monet, and a Picasso, they toss them into their rucksack and get out of there. As they begin driving off, the police arrive on the scene and pursue them for 12 miles. Their car runs out of fuel and they break down behind a barn. Grabbing the paintings, th...

Comrade Khrushchev goes to a pig farm and he is photographed there.

In the village newspaper office, there was a heated discussion about how to caption the photograph. “Pigs and Comrade Khrushchev”? “Comrade Khrushchev Among Pigs”? None will do. The editor finally makes a decision: “Third From Left: Comrade Khrushchev.”

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I heard that pigs can orgasm for 30 minutes

I asked the first cop I saw for a demonstration but he just smacked me with his baton.

Have you heard that Texas froze over?

Now we've just got to wait for the flying pigs.

A Pig Walks Into A Bar,

And orders 13 beers, 5 shots and 2 large waters over 3 hrs. He then orders 7 more beers and 3 shots over another 2 hrs.

The Bartender asks him "Mr. Pig, you've drank so much! Don't you have to go to the bathroom?" The pig replies, "yes but I'm the little pig that goes wee wee all the way hom...

What do you call it when a beautiful woman tries to trick you into giving her a pig?

A bae con.

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A farmer had 5 female pigs but times were hard and he needed a solution.

A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned 5 male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decide...

Three legged pig.

A farmer had a three legged pig, his friend asked him why the pig only had three legs. The farmer told him that he was a remarkable pig. One time when I was plowing the back forty, the tractor fell on me and the pig dug me out with his snout. Not only that, another time the farmhouse caught on fire ...

So if a Chicken carries salmonella, and a Cow carries e-coli, what does a pig carry?

A gun, a badge, and a "get out of jail free" card.

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Once upon a time...

A horse lived on a farm with a pig, a sheep, and a cow. Now these were no ordinary barnyard animals - for they were bestowed the miracle of Disney animal anthropomorphism - subsequently, the farmer was very happy to have these animals in his posession and the people who came afar to see them made hi...

What does a pig do when it gets a heart attack?

it calls a hambulance

NASA has been sending animals to space.

They started with a cow and a pig.
But the rocket failed at takeoff and ejected both animals.
The pig was disintegrated on the way back down the earth but the cow survived and landed safely on earth.
At the the press briefing reporters asked the NASA scientists how the cow survived and pig...

Marital Misunderstanding

It's 4.00am. A man comes stumbling home and bursts drunk into his bedroom. He's totally dishevelled, stinks of booze and has a goat tucked under his arm. His wife sits up with a shriek and shouts:

"How dare you come home in that condition! And what's that thing under your arm?"

Her hu...

oink who

**Knock! Knock! Who's there? Oink oink. Oink oink who? Make up your mind—are you a pig, or an owl?!**

What did the pig say to the spanish butcher?

Porque

A cow, a pig, and a chicken walk into an estate...

...call that animal house

A lady yells: "NO! I WON'T SLEEP WITH YOU PIG!". Everyone in the bar stops and stares...

Completely embarrassed, the guy slinks back to his table with a red face.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.

She smiles and says: "I'm so sorry if I embarrassed you. I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassin...

They always say "when pigs fly"...

but cops have had helicopters for years!

What do you call if a pig is in a tug of war

Pulled pork

Sorry if this is a repost. I'm new to this subreddit

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A drunk man stumbles into his house with a chicken under his arm...

His wife is waiting for him in bed, pissed off. The man looks at his wife and says “this... this is the pig... that I been fuckin”
His wife says “you stupid son of a bitch, that’s a chicken!”
To which the man replies “I was talking to the chicken!”

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What does a pig on top of the empire state building and a couple having sex next to the statue of liberty have in common?

They're both New Porkers

A man comes home with a duck.

Man: “This is the pig I’ve been banging”.

Wife: “That’s a duck”.

Man: “I wasn’t talking to you”.

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What type of porn do pigs watch?

Hamateur.

What does a pig do when it gets a rash?

Applies oinkment

A blonde is tired of being teased, so she dies her hair brown and moves to the countryside...

A blonde is tired of being teased, so she dyes her hair brown and moves to the countryside. As she’s driving home one day she spots a farmer leaning on a fence chewing a piece of straw.

“Ha, I’m going to put one over on that dumb farmer!”, she says to herself, pulling over.

“Greetings,...

Teacher:Kids what does a chicken give you Students: Eggs Teacher: Very good now what does the pig give you Kids: Bacon Teacher: Excellent now what does the fat cow give you

Kids: Homework

Today I saw the wurst thing happen to a pig

I wish I never sausage a thing

Why did the pig cross the street?

To clock in at the precinct

I got a scheme to get rich quick.

Okay, so I take a farm.

On one portion of the farm I take five hundred female pigs. And the other portion, five hundred male deer.

Then, I have five hundred sows-and bucks.

What's the difference between Trump and a flying pig? The letter 'F'

The letter 'F'







\*stolen from quora

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