Why did the pig cross the road?

Because the chicken told him to teargas protestors for a photo-op

So if a Chicken carries salmonella, and a Cow carries e-coli, what does a pig carry?

A gun, a badge, and a "get out of jail free" card.

How do pigs get to the hospital?

A hambulance.

A man holding several miniature pigs walks into a bar.

"Hey, barkeep!" he says, struggling to keep control of his quarry. "Any room for me and my friends?"

The bartender smiles and sets down some plastic cups. The man plops his friends inside, but the cups are too small.

"Um...barkeep?" the man says, pulling them out again. The bartender ...

Peggy Johnson was suing her neighbor, Dave, for harassment after he kept calling her "pig."

The two were fighting over their backyard borders, and so Dave took up to calling her a "pig." Peggy took him to court and sued him for harassment. The judge wanted to settle this immediately and issued an order for Dave to stop calling Peggy a "pig."

"Dave, I'm giving you a chance to walk aw...

What’s the difference between a hot potato and a flying pig?

Ones a heated yam, and the other’s a yeeted ham.

What do you get when you cross a pig and a dinosaur.

Jurassic Pork.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A man, a dog, and a pig wash up on a deserted island.

They're there for several years, until one day the man gets desperate, takes off his trousers, and tries to mount the pig. The dog, however, starts growling at him and baring its teeth, so he stops. A few weeks later he tries again, but this time the dog bites him on the arm until he stops.

L...

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There's this farmer, and he has this pig...

A prize winning sow, and he wants to breed her. His neighbor tells the farmer he has a stud pig, he'd be happy to accommodate. Guaranteed impregnation, the neighbor assures him. The farmer agrees.

The next morning the farmer loads the pig into his truck, drives her up the road to the neighbor...

Why can't pigs hear each other on the phone?

Because they have a pork connection.

What do you call if a pig is in a tug of war

Pulled pork

Sorry if this is a repost. I'm new to this subreddit

What did the pig say to the spanish butcher?

Porque

Why did the pig cross the street?

To clock in at the precinct

What do you call a pig in kung fu class?

Pork chop

What's the difference between a warm sweet potato and a thrown pig?

One is a heated yam, the other is a yeeted ham.





I'll see myself out

What's the difference between Trump and a flying pig? The letter 'F'

The letter 'F'







\*stolen from quora

They always say "when pigs fly"...

but cops have had helicopters for years!

Teacher:Kids what does a chicken give you Students: Eggs Teacher: Very good now what does the pig give you Kids: Bacon Teacher: Excellent now what does the fat cow give you

Kids: Homework

Today I saw the wurst thing happen to a pig

I wish I never sausage a thing

What’s the difference between politicians and flying pigs?

The letter F

John thought he could never catch an illness. When his co-worker asked him if he ever gets sick, he would always say “The day I become ill will be the day pigs fly.”

A few months later, it finally happened.

The swine flu.

Trump’s being driven through a backroad out to the White House...

Trump’s being driven through a backroad out to the White House one night when suddenly, the car lurches to a halt.

The driver explains that a pig from a nearby farm wandered onto the road and he hit it.
Trump is a bit annoyed, but tells the driver, "Just go to their house, tell them you're...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says....

...."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."


The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your ass and lick it al...

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Spanish pigs say "oinc-oinc".

French pigs say "Oinque"

Japanese pigs say "Oinku"

American pigs say "STOP RESISTING"

Why wasn't the wild pig invited to any parties?

Because everyone thought he was a boar.

A cow, a pig, and a chicken walk into a bar-b-q...

The end.

A man, a dog, and a pig wash up on a desert island. (Long)

They are the only living things there, besides some birds and rodents, and soon, they figure out how to work together to survive and not go insane. The dog hunts, the man cooks, and the pig forages for truffles. There are many truffles on this particular island. They have a perfectly functioning lif...

What do you get when you crossbreed a horse and a wild pig?

Your neighboar

An oilfield worker drives past the same farm everyday and always notices this pig with 3 legs.

One day he finally decides to stop by the farm and ask the farmer what’s going on with that pig.

“Well,” the farmer says, “my house was burning down one day and my poor old dog was trapped in there. Full on flames and smoke and that pig ran in and saved my dog.”

“Did his leg burn off?...

What is another term for "a pig in a blanket"?

My mother-in-law on a cold day

What do you call a flying pig?

A swine flu

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear the story about the guy that fucked a pig?

Once there was a guy...

Ya know what, just ask your dad. It's his story.

The Three Legged Pig

A farmer had a three legged pig and his neighbor asked him why the pig had only three legs.

“Well, I’ll tell you” the farmer replied. “One day I was plowing my field and the tractor turned over and pinned me underneath. That pig ran for help. He saved my life”.

“Oh, that’s how he lost ...

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Teacher: "A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes."

Little Johnny: "Your wife is a lucky lady."

A guy was stranded on a desert island with only a pig and a dog.

Several months went by and he was feeling the pangs of having no female companionship. He started looking at the pig and thought, "hmm, not bad." So, he started making a move on the pig, but each time he did the dog would bark and growl ferociously and pull him off. Every day went by and he'd try to...

In the winter a man says to his wife: "Should we get the pig inside, it is freezing out there."

"But it stinks", says the wife to which the husband replies:
"He will get used to it!"

A rabbi, a Hindu priest, and a politician went on a hike

Night fell and they were exhausted. The hotel on the map was nowhere to be seen.

They knocked on the door of a farm and asked if they could spend the night.

The farmer said, “Of course, but I only have a small room with two beds. One of you will have to sleep in the barn.”

The H...

Son asks his Dad for five dollars so he can buy a guinea pig.

His Dad says, "heres ten now go find yourself a nice Irish girl."

What sound does a French pig make?

Oinque

What do you call a pig with three eyes?

Piiig

Everyone knows the story of the three little pigs... here's another version:



The first little pig was playing in the forest, when the big bad wolf

spotted him and chased him back to his straw house. The pig hid inside,

peeking out at the wolf, who looked at the house, laughed, then huffed

and puffed and blew the house down. The pig, scared witles...

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A woman is lying in bed and the husband brings a pig into the bedroom

Husband: "This is the pig I have to fuck when you've a 'headache'!"

Wife: "This is disgusting, take that thing out of our bedroom!"

"Husband: "I wasn't talking to you".

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A farmer had 5 female pigs but times were hard and he needed a solution.

A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned 5 male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decide...

A lady yells: "NO! I WON'T SLEEP WITH YOU PIG!". Everyone in the bar stops and stares...

Completely embarrassed, the guy slinks back to his table with a red face.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.

She smiles and says: "I'm so sorry if I embarrassed you. I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassin...

A frog walks into a bank...

So, one day a frog walked into a bank. He hopped on over to a teller and quickly eyed her name tag: Patricia Waak.

Frog: Good morning, Miss Waak. Such a lovely day outside, isn't it?

*teller just stares at him, because, well, he's a FROG.*

Teller: Uh, yes. Yes it is. How can I h...

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A horse, chicken and a pig are out walking on a farm...

When suddenly the horse falls into a mud hole. The pig and chicken freak and they don’t know how they will get their friend out.

So the pig and chicken run up to the farmers house and they bang on the door, no answer... again they bang on the door, no answer.

In a fury the chicken bust...

What do you call a pig that eats other pigs?

Hammibal Lecter

Why is it a good investment to have 50 female pigs and 50 male deer?

Because then you have 100 sows and bucks.

How do you turn a pig into a fox?

8 beers.

(Partial NSFW) I work at an abattoir and shot 3 pigs today.

I would have shot more but I had to go to work.

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The Difference Between Poetry and Prose

An English teacher was explaining the differences of poetry and prose to her class.

“Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow, and everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.”

“This is an example of poetry, but if I wanted to change it to prose I would say, ‘the l...

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A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company.

There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright, but after a few months he gets lonely.
The pig starts to look more and more attractive, soft, pink flesh, round buttocks.
But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarl...

Look a pig

A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Oh no, I look like a pig!"

The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"

A guy, a pig, and a dog were the only survivors of a terrible shipwreck.

They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there for a few weeks, they got into a ritual of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.

One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, and the breeze was warm and gentle. It was a perfect...

A woman is reading a book in bed when her husband enters with a sheep under his arm

The husband holds the sheep up to the woman and exclaims: "This is the pig I'm cheating on you with."

The woman, confused by the notion, replies: "But... that's a sheep."

To which the husband shakes his head and says: "I wasn't talking to you."

Olie gets pulled over for speeding through town with a pig in the passenger seat.

So Olie gets pulled over by an officer of the law for running 100 mph through the middle of town with a pig in the passenger seat. The officer says "What in the world are you doing Olie? What's the hurry?" He says, "I"m just a trying to get dis here pig back to the farmer whose truck dis pig fell...

Why should pigs stay away from a German butcher?

He brings out the wurst in them.

My pet pig died.

The grieving process was delicious

Why shouldn’t you tell a pig your secrets?

It’ll squeal.

What do you call a a pig wearing a witches hat in the Sahara?

A Ham Sand Witch.

What do you call sleeping cops?

Pigs in blankets





(this is not political; its a joke)

Did you hear about the pig at the slaughterhouse?

He saw the entrance and went ham.

If a mass of beef fat is 'tallow', and mass of pig fat is 'lard', what is a mass of human fat called?

'American'.

Just kidding, it's actually called 'Yo Momma'.

A boy who lived in a farm woke up and wanted breakfast (NSFW)

His mother said he had to do his chores first.

So went out and feed the pigs but kicked them as he left.

Then he collected the eggs from the chickens but gave them a kick as he left.

After that he milked the cows but made sure to kick them as well.

When he came back in hi...

What do you call a cooked pig that was beautiful?

Baecon

You hear about the pig farmer who tried to make it big in Hollywood?

Had to move back home because he had too many poor scenes

Using the phrase "when pigs fly" to suggest an impossibility is surely out of date.

The police have had helicopters for years now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

And then the 96th little pig built his house out of depleted uranium

And the wolf was like "dude what the fuck"

General secretary Gorbachev is going by car to a meeting.

Suddenly, his driver hits a pig near a small village and stops the car.
Gorbachev gives him 100 rubel and tells him, “Take the dead pig, go into the village, find out who it’s owner was, apologize to him, and give him this money.”
Several hours later the driver returns totally drunk. Gorbachev...

The professor and student

The professor goes to the university canteen for lunch, a student sits across from him at the same table.
The professor gets annoyed with him and said: "A pig and bird do not eat together".
Student: "I apologize. Then I'll fly to another table".
The professor is very frustrated about the...

What did the sheep say to the pig on Christmas Day?

Fleece Navidad

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy was sitting with his grandfather...

After a while of silence, the grandfather points out to the city and says, "do you see that road, grandson? I built that road with my own hands. But do they call me 'Peter the Road Layer'? No... "

He scans the city, and points again. "And that church, there. I built that church board by board...

A farmer bought a rooster to service his hens.

So, this farmer went out and bought a new rooster as a stud rooster. Every day, the farmer watched the rooster go service all the hens, then the rooster would start in on the pigs, the sheep, the cows, it would mate with them all. The farmer always shook his head and said, "One of these days.. one o...

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A man and woman are driving on the same road.

A man and woman are driving on the same road. They pass each other.

The woman yells out the window, “PIG!” The man yells out the window, “BITCH!”

The man rounds next curve.

Crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road, and dies.



Thought for The Day: If only men would...

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Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.

A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.

As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The bu...

Farming

A city banker gets fed up with his immoral career so sells up and buys a pig farm in Suffolk with his wife.


He moves in and next day goes to buy a few sows and a boar. 'How will I know the sows are pregnant?' he asks the seller.


"Ah, well, the morning after, the sows be lay...

In the beginning, God asked Adam to name the animals, so he began to invent names, “Lion, Tiger, Horse, Cow, Pig...” Then God said, “You must name the sea animals too.” Adam was exhausted, but he knew how important this was, so he continued...

“Sea lion, Tiger shark, Sea horse, Sea cow, Sea pig…”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a list of puns!

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

Pigs in a blanket were invented in Alabama.

We know this because they're in bread.

Bo started Pig Latin school

Bo started Pig Latin school, but he had a very hard time saying his name.

The teacher eventually kicked him out of class because he couldn't "obey."

What do you give a pig with a rash?

**OINKMENT**






^^i'll ^^see ^^myself ^^out

What do you call a wise pig who's also a lumberjack?

A saw sage

What do pigs like to rub on their skin?

Oinkment.

Pigs using tools

A new study has found that pigs can actually use tools after a scientist in Paris saw one start digging with a piece of bark it had in its mouth.

Finally, it's about time that pigs can start bringing home the bacon.

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A man recieves $500 for his birthday and decides to make a trip to his local brothel.

He walks inside the establishment and informs the madam that is is his birthday, so she offers him the birthday special. He hands over $250 and heads up the stairs entering the first room, to find a very attractive woman laying spread eagle on the bed.

Impressed by what the establishment has...

Most annoying joke ever

A man dies and is sent to the first level of hell. There he sees two queues. He joins the back of one and asks what the queues are for. He is told one is for a glass of wine and the queue he joined for a leg of lamb. After a millennia he gets to the front and eats his lamb. Once finished a door open...

Where does a pig's soul go when they die?

Porkatory.

A Farmer and His Pigs

One day, a businessman living in New York decides he needs a break. He is feeling a little beat-up by the stresses of city life, and he concludes that a leisurely drive in the country would do him a world of good. So, he rents a car, and he sets off on his quest to find some peace of mind.

As...

I took my dying pig to the vet

Imagine my surprise when he said he had cured it .. there’s a man who really knows his salt.

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A murderer, a sadist, an arsonist, a rapist, a zoophiliac, a necrophiliac, and a masochist were sitting in a room together.

"We should kill a pig," says the murderer. "We should set the pig on fire and then kill it", says the arsonist. "We should fuck the pig and then set it on fire and then kill it", says the zoophiliac. "We should torture the pig and then fuck it and then set it on fire and then kill it," says the sadi...

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If all men are pigs I must be gay

Because I love bacon

At the start of the wedding party the organizer announced that they had ordered a whole pig, but something went wrong with the delivery and the pig would be late/not coming.

One guest said: "I hope this will be the last time in this relationship that someone says "what is taking that pig so long?""

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