If a mass of beef fat is 'tallow', and mass of pig fat is 'lard', what is a mass of human fat called?

'American'.

Just kidding, it's actually called 'Yo Momma'.

​

A farmer drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door...

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

“Is your mom or dad home?” The farmer asked the boy

“No, they went in to town.” The boy replied

“Well, how about your brother Howard?” The farmer asked

“No, he went with mom and dad.” The boy said

The farmer stood there for a minut...

I edited my pig's genes to make it taste better

you might even say the bacon is CRISPR

A blonde colors her hair red and moves countryside

She meets a farmer and challenges him: "If I can guess your profession, I get your dog for free."
The farmer agrees.
The blonde declares that he is a farmer, and wins the bet.
As she's stuffing the animal into the trunk of her Fiat, the farmer says: "if I can guess your real hair color, ca...

What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

The letter F.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In this day and age instead of words like, "policeman"and "policewoman"

it’s better to use gender-neutral terms such as "fucking pigs".

A Pig Walks Into A Bar...

He takes a seat and orders a beer.

After he drinks it, he asks the bartender where the restroom is. "Down the hall to the right," the bartender replies.

The pig uses the restroom and leaves.

​

A few minutes later another pig comes into the bar and orders two be...

What do you call a pig that does karate?

A pork chop.

A farmer had 5 female pigs but times were hard and he needed a solution.

A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned 5 male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decide...

Why did no one like to hang with the male pig?

He was too Boar-ing.

What do you call a pig with a skin disease?

Hogwarts..

What do you call a baby pig?

A bacon seed.

Mrs Rosenfeld is suing Mr Ramsay for calling her a pig

Mr Ramsay asks the judge: "is it illegal for me to call Mrs Rosenfeld a pig?"

The judge replies: "yes, of course it's illegal."

Mr Ramsay asks again: "ok, but am I allowed to call a pig 'Mrs Rosenfeld' your honor?"

The judge says: "well yeah, there is no law against that."
<...

If you search "pig" on Google Images, every image has the same file type.

They're all .jpigs.

A Hindu, a Rabbi, and a Jehovah's Witness are lost..

They wander across a farmstead and ask to spend the night.

"I only have room for two, so one of you will have to stay in the barn," says the Farm Owner.

The Hindu immediately volunteers, insisting it's no problem. However, a few minutes later, he knocks on the front door.

"I'm s...

What do you call 50 female pigs and 50 male deer?

100 sows and bucks.

What do you call a royal pig that is falling asleep?

Prince Nodding Ham

Where do flying pigs land?

The airpork

Did you hear about the kid that got a skin graft from a pig?

Pork kid

How do you say ‘direction’ in pig Latin?

Hope you had a good one!

How do you help a pig that’s choking on something?

With the Hamlich manoeuvre.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks up to his wife with a lamb under his arm...

A guy walks up to his wife with a lamb under his arm.



He loudly proclaims, "This is the pig I used to fuck."



The wife says, "That's not a pig, it's a lamb."



The man replies, "I wasn't speaking to you."

There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast. On his way in he kicked a cow, a pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks.

His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you."

Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicks the cat.

The boy says "Will you tell him, or should I ?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A farmer bought some breeding pigs

but after several weeks, not one was pregnant. He called the vet for help. "Why don't you try artificial insemination" said the vet.

The farmer didn't have an inkling of what artificial insemination was, but, not wanting to appear ignorant, he said, "Okay, Doc, but how will I know when the pi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Breakfast with little Johnny

Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said Little Johnny.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
<...

The Farmer and the Pigs

One day, a businessman living in New York decides he needs a break. He is feeling a little beat-up by the stresses of city life, and he concludes that a leisurely drive in the country would do him a world of good. So, he rents a car, and he sets off on his quest to find some peace of mind.

As...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It's a well known belief that pigs have 30 minute lasting orgasms

Yet that can't be further from the truth considering that the one I fucked didn't appear to have any.

A guy, a pig, and a dog are the only survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they find themselves stranded on a desert island.

After being there for awhile, they get into a ritual of going to the beach every night to watch the sun go down.

One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle -- in short, a perfect night for romance! Well, that pig started looking bette...

If a pig loses its voice . . .

does it become disgruntled>

What do you get when you light a pig on fire?

a piglit

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[TIL] that the smallest muscle in a pig

Is a Redneck's dick

What did Cher say to the orphan pig she rescued?

Babe, I got you babe.

I work with a Muslim that keeps calling me an “American Pig”

He’s a piece of Shiite

What do you call arranging two pigs shoulder to shoulder?

Parallel porking

What do you call a pig with 3 eyes?

piiig

I came up with this joke about wild pigs but...

It boars everyone I tell so I’m keeping to myself...

A pig, a cow, and a chicken walk into a barbecue.

The End

What do you give a pig with a diaper rash?

Oinkment

What do you call a symphony comprised entirely of pigs?

A porkestra.

Some pig!

I'm new here so I apologize if someone else has shared this one before, but here goes.

A couple have their pastor over for dinner on Sunday. He christened their baby a few months before, so they wanted to thank him with a nice dinner.

As they're finishing up, a pig with three legs walk...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mary had a little pig, She kept it fat and plastered;

And when the price of pork went up,

She shot the little bastard.

What do you call a pig with high aspirations in life?

Hambitious

What do 3 AM and a pigs tail having common?

They’re both twirly. (Too early)

a pig jumped off a plane

he wanted to be ground pork

An angry mom once told me that she’d get her kid vaccinated when pigs fly.

Alas, swine flu.

What kind of meat do you get from a Mexican pig?

Porque.

What do you have if your Dad’s brother is a complete pig?

An Oinkle.

A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Och, I look like a pig!"

The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"

Three little pigs go to court

Three little pigs are in a court room in front of a judge.

The judge asks the first little pig,

“Why are you here?”

The first little pig says,

“Well, I’m here for blowing bubbles in the mud...”

The judge, rather confused, doesn’t question the little pig and moves ...

A guy is visiting his cousins farm, getting the tour and such, sees a 3 legged pig.....

What’s with the pig with 3 legs?Ahh, that’s Jake and he is one special pig says the farmer cousin. I was out plowing with the tractor, got to close to the ditch and rolled it over on me. Jake broke out of his pen and ran out to the tractor where he proceeded to dig me out from under it, dragged me...

What do you get when you cross a pig with a politician?

Nothing.

There are things a pig wouldn't do.

If you've been a bad person in England, they will call you a pig. In America, they'll call you a sheep. In the Soviet Union...

You crane!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I dont know why my whole village calls my friend "Pig Fucker Dave"

His name isn't even Dave

Weighing the pig

A city slicker went to the country to buy a pig. When he approached the pig farmer, he asked for a 25-pound pig. The pig farmer put the pig's tail in his mouth and bobbed his head up and down. He then told the city slicker that the pig was too heavy -- it was 30 pounds. The city slicker told the far...

I was a Guinea pig in a new drug trial recently.

Then it wore off and I was a boring old human again

What do pigs use when they get hurt?

Oink-ment

(My 7 year old made this up and wanted me to share!)

PIG: "I'm paranoid everyone's trying to turn me into bacon"

PSYCHIATRIST: "I'll cure you"

PIG: "Oh God, not you too"

Man is arrested for calling a police "pig"

He is released next morning
- Tell me officer, the man begs, is it never allowed to call police "pig"?
- Well yes, you can call us police, cops, even the blues, but never call us pigs again.
- Ok, ok. I can do that.
- Have a nice day sir
- Yet I wonder, the man continues, what if I ca...

President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road

President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.

Trump told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees his driver staggering back...

What do you call two pigs playing tug o’ war?

Pulled Pork

If cows go moo and sheep go baa, what do pigs say?

I'll make America great again

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Kindness of a disrespectful pig

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was somewhat upset

"you are a disrespectful pig!" she cried.

How dare you do this to me -a faithful wife, mother of your children!

I am leaving you.

I want...

A baby pig is called a piglet

That means a baby toy is called...

You've heard of "boy who cried wolf", but what about "man who cried pig"?

I heard the rest of the blind date was pretty awkward!

What happens when a female pig is sad...

She Kermits suicide.

A pig farmer works

to make bacon

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Scottish priest finds a dead pig.

A Scottish priest is driving home when he comes across a dead pig lying on the side of the road. So he calls the police to inform them.

A cocky sergeant answers the call.
"Did ye read him his last rites?" the sergeant smirked

"Naw." replies the priest. "I thought I'd inform his next...

Why did the pig get hired by the restaurant?

He was really good at bacon.

A Pig Named Ink

"Why did you name your pig Ink?"
"Because it kept running out of the pen."

A pig goes to the doctors with swine flu.

The doctor gives him a leaflet for a therapeutic spa and tells him to go straight there.

When he gets there he's instructed to lay in a shallow bath of salt and sugar.

He chuckles to himself and thinks, "what's this supposed to do, cure me!"

The cow goes 'moo.' The horse goes 'neigh'. The pig goes

Can I see your licence and registration?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Chris Pratt's German Joke (in English)

Dieter and his grandpa Peter are sitting on top of a hill. Peter turns to Dieter and says, "You see all those houses down there? I built them with my bare hands, but do they call me Peter the House Builder? No."

Then Peter points to a church by the houses. "I built that church with my bare h...

A pig with a wooden leg and his owner walk into a bar.

His owner orders a beer and begins bragging to the bartender about his pig. "See that scar on his head? He got that rescuing me from a fire," says the guy. "And see that he's only got one eye? He lost the other one saving 17 people from dying in a bus crash." "So what heroic act was he doing when he...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Pig walks into a pub.

He goes up to the bar and sees a curious looking bottle bubbling away with mist emanating from the top. Slightly flummoxed he asks the barman, “What’s this about then?”

The barman replies, “Well, this is a mystic potion, a concoction of my very own. Take a sip and it’ll magically release your...

If x=y and y=z, then x=z.

Applying the same logic.

If all men are pigs.
And Men and women are equal.

Then all women are pigs.

An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist are asked to measure the volume of a pig.

The engineer answers: "we fill a pool to the brim with water, fully immerse the pig, collect the spilled water and measure its weight. The pig will have a volume of 1dm^3 per collected Kg."

The mathematician answers: "we freeze the pig, slice it and integrate the slices' areas to obtain a v...

A farmer and a pig with four wooden legs are walking down a road

I ask the man “Why does your pig have four wooden legs?”

The farmer replied “There was this one time my house started on fire and this very pig pulled me out and saved my life!”

I asked again “So why does he have wooden legs?”

The farmer replied again “My tractor had severe engi...

The Fantastic Pig

John is travelling one day and sees a sign on the side of the road saying, "30 miles until the fantastic pig." He is curious but doesn't think anymore of it until he sees another sign 10 miles up the road declaring the fantastic pig only 20 miles away. This continues up until 5 miles away from the s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It''s so hard to enjoy the simple country games we enjoyed as rednecks in today's society. Take, for instance, catching a greased pig. We got arrested for it even though we were on our own farm and not hurtin' nobody.

For you city slickers that have never had to slaughter farm animals the 'sport' came from a bunch of bored farm boys told to slaughter a pig for bacon, ham, chops, etc...

Everyone today is used to going to the store and not havint' actually see their food killed, so these overly sensitive peo...

What do you call a pig that gets stuck in a bush?

A hedge hog.

A man was driving his car on the highway..

When a man in red stopped him. "Who are you?" asked the driver. The man replied "I'm the red pig and I want a ride". "I don't give rides to pigs" said the driver and he went on his way.

A few metres later a man in green stops him. "Who are you?" asked the driver. The man replied "I'm the gree...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Growing up on a farm I learned pig’s orgasm could last 30 minutes

I could always feel they were faking it

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months.......

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari st...

Every time my girlfriend puts her hair in pig tails, she looks like a 12 year old

I keep telling her that I'm tired of her trying to dress older.

A wolf, a lion and a little pig are having a discussion

The wolf proudly says : I am the scariest animal of the woods. When I howl, you can hear me from miles away and it will send a shiver down your spine.

The lion smirks and says : do you think THAT is scary, little wolf? I am the true king of the jungle ánd the most scary. When I roar, all the ...

A farmhand hits a pig with his truck

A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?"

"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. ...

Wanna hear a dirty joke?

A pig fell in the mud.

A Pig Walks Into a Bar…

A pig walks into a bar, orders 15 beers, and drinks them. The bartender asks, "Would you like to know where the bathroom is?" "No," says the pig. "I'm the little piggy that goes wee-wee-wee all the way home."

What do you call an imaginary color?

A pigment of your imagination.

So if a place to view birds is an Aviary, and a place to view fish is a aquarium, where do you view pigs?

Congress