Walking through the forest, an atheist hears a rustling in the bushes. Turning, he sees a massive grizzly charging towards him!

He runs as fast as he can but trips over a stump and falls. As the bear raises a huge paw to strike, the atheist screams: "God! Help me!"

Time freezes. The bear becomes immobile, the forest is silent, and the river stops running. Then the atheist hears a powerful voice: "You have denied my ex...

Brown bears vs. grizzly bears

A Canadian park ranger is giving some ramblers a warning about bears, “Brown bears are usually harmless. They avoid contact with humans so we suggest you attach small bells to your rucksacks and give the bears time to get out of your way. However, grizzly bears are extremely dangerous. If you see an...

Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room..

It's not dead, It's just afraid to move.

A grizzly bear walks into a bar

Bartender: What can I get you?

Bear: How about a rum and........ coke?

Bartender: Sure thing, but uh, why the large pause?

Bear: Hm, I don’t know, guess I was just born with them.

What's more fearsome than a Grizzly bear with AIDS?

The guy he got it from.

What do you get when you cross a grizzly bear with a lawn mower?

Killed.

I once killed an adult male Grizzly bear on a ski trip in Alaska with a small serrated knife.

I had no idea grizzlies could ski or where the bear got the knife.

In light of the rising frequency of human and bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field...

They advise that outdoors men wear noisy little bells on their clothing, so as not to startle bears that aren’t expecting them.

They also advise outdoors men to carry pepper spray with them, in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bea...

A bear joke

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup, and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.

"I've never been better!" he boasted.

"I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant, and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment,...

Timothy Treadwell, the "Grizzly Man", died doing what he loved...

... feeding the bears

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A hunter gets a new gun...

So a hunter gets a new gun one day and decides to go hunting with it. He goes out into the woods and stumbles upon a nice-sized black bear, so he takes his gun and shoots the bear dead. Then he feels a tap on his shoulder...

The man turns around and sees this huge brown bear and the bear says...

The Fed Ex driver only delivered part of my grizzly costume

I was so mad, I choked him with my bear hands

What’s the difference between a grizzly bear and a police officer?

The bear will murder you in cold blood BEFORE you can start running away from it.

A grizzly tried to eat me once

It was unbearable

What do you call a bear covered in a bunch of crows?

A grizzly murder

Did you hear about the Grizzly that killed a camper?

He used his bear hands

What's the difference between Betsy DeVos and a Grizzly Bear?

Betsy DeVos is an actual threat to school children.

A priest was hunting in the woods.

He searches and searches but can’t find any animals. Finally in frustration he throws his gun down and heads to the stream to cool off. About this time he sees this huge grizzly bear racing toward him.

He falls on his knees and says, 'God please, protect me. I am asking you God, please conve...

A grizzly walks in to a bar and orders a beer.

The bartended asks "hey you 21?"
"Bearly"

An Atheist and a Bear

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the ca...

Here's a picture of a dead grizzly..

Nevermind. I can't bear it.

A grizzly mauled a guy in an elevator...

but I couldn't bear to see it go down.

A Grizzly has attacked a school! Four are dead!

Fortunately, the rest of the salmon are OK and are peacefully continuing upstream.

A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear.

Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these wondrous beasts.

Finally, their request was granted and they immediately flew to New York and then on west to Yellowstone. They reported to the local ranger station and were told that it w...

Alaskan Bear Hunting Trip

A man saves up his money all Summer to go on an Alaskan bear hunting trip. He gets out into the wilderness and tracks through the underbrush for hours when he finally spots a little black bear. He gets that bear in his sights and BANG shoots him dead!

At just that moment he feels a tap on his...

TIL grizzly bears are not harmed by microwave radiation.

In fact, they are one among several species of non-polar bear!

Being in the recreation and natural resources field, I enjoy this every time I hear it

Due to the recent increase of encounters with grizzly and black bears in the area, all hikers should wear bells so you don't sneak up and startle nearby bears. Hikers should also carry pepper spray encase of an encounter. The two bears have different characteristics to their droppings and you can te...

Two grizzlies are out grocery shopping...

Then one grizzly turns around and says to the other : "it's kinda quiet in here today dont you think?"

Pretty sure Betsy DeVos said the grizzly metaphor because the 2nd amendment says,

The right to bear arms.

Was forced to have a threesome with a clown and a grizzly.

Just had to grin and bear it.

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If you're on a majestic stallion

If you're on a majestic stallion, chasing after a grizzly bear with your musket loaded, ready to fire, neither gaining nor losing the other, and as you turn your back you see a ferocious lion in hot pink, ready to take you down.....


You should seriously get your drunk ass of that carousel...

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A hunter kills a bear

A hunter kills a bear. He goes to check what he killed and the dad of that bear comes behind him and taps him on his shoulder. Bear says "what you've done isn't very nice is it?" bear gives him 2 options "i either eat you or fuck you in the ass". The hunter thinks and goes with the second option. ...

High Noon

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

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[NSFW] A man goes hunting for bears...

Deep in the woods, he spots a large grizzly. He raises his gun, aims for the heart, and pulls the trigger. *Click*

The bear approaches him smiling and says "Nice try, now either you bend over or I eat you."

The man bends over, and the bear proceeds to rip off his clothes and bugger him...

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Mountain Moonshine

Tom worked at a popular bar in New York City and had to deal with a lot of shitty people on a daily basis. To get away from everyone he decided to take a vacation far out west to find peace and solitude; a place where no one would bother him.

He rented a cabin deep in the wilds of Montana, w...

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Bill The Hunter

Bill's all excited about his new rifle. So, he goes bear hunting in Alaska. The first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he kills it with his first shot. There is a tap on his shoulder, and he turns around to see a big black bear. The black bear says "You've got two choices. One, I maul yo...

UNBELIEVABLE!!! Woman Stops Grizzly Attack With 25 Caliber Pistol !

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship with an itsy bitsy shooter by a woman against a fierce predator.

What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself?

While out hiking in Alberta, Canada with my boyfriend, we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us...

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A little boy asks the chief of his tribe how he comes up with the names for the children of the tribe...

"When I wake up in the morning the first thing I see is what I name then new child, for example when I named your older brother I saw a raven when I woke up. For your sister I saw a Grizzly bear. Why do you ask Twodogsfucking?"

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The Little Bear

Two bears are walking along: A mommy bear and a little bear.

​

The little bear asks "Mommy, what kind of bears are we?"

​

The mom replies "We are Polar Bears" and they keep walking.

​

A little while later the little bears as...

A hunter goes to the woods

One day a hunter goes in the woods to hunt bears, sees one walking by and BOOM! Shot the bear down. He goes to check if the bear is dead and starts his celebration dance. All of a sudden he feels a tap on his shoulder, turns around and sees a huge bear. "You've made a big mistake Jake" at which the ...

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A Hunter goes Hunting

A hunter heads to the woods to hunt bears. After 2 long weeks, he did not see any. So when a cubs appear in is sight, he says "fuck it"

BAMN!

Cub drops dead.

"tap tap tap" somethings taps on his shoulder.

He turns around and see a big black bear. The bear says :

"T...

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Off the grid in the Canadian wilderness

A man moves off the grid out into the remote Canadian wilderness. He buys a place where his nearest neighbor is 6 miles away over rough terrain with no road. He enjoys all of nature's beauty and especially the solitude.

After about 9 months of not seeing another human being, dead in the midd...

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[Long]US Navy Retirement Bonus[NSFW]

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be...

The Bear Hunter

One day a hunter took his trusty Winchester to the mountains to hunt for bear. He hid behind a rock that overlooked a beautiful valley and waited.

Soon a brown bear appeared by the stream which ran through the valley. The hunter aimed and fired and killed the bear dead.

Suddenly then t...

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International Police Competition

The UN holds an international police competition at a national park somewhere in Europe. The participating countries are France, Germany, and Turkey. The competition rules are whichever national police team catches a wild rabbit in the forest in the shortest amount of time wins the grand prize.
<...

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Mountain Man

Well Tom was a high powered business man and successful stock market trader, but he sure was fed up with life in the fast lane of New York City. Fed up with the hustle and the bustle. Fed up with the fickle market. But one night, sipping scotch, he realized that the root of all his problems was PEOP...

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A Jar Full of Hundreds

A man walks into a bar and notices a jar full of $100 bills. He asks the bartender about the jar.

"That jar? You put in your $100 and you go over there behind the first door. See it?"

"Yeah", says the guy. "What's behind it?"

"The ugliest, fattest girl in this county. You have ...

Frank goes hunting in the woods by himself.

He comes across a small black bear drinking from a stream so he shoots and kills it. He then feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around and sees a large black bear.

"Hey", says the bear. "You just killed my cousin. What's your name?"

"Um....Frank", the hunter says nervously.

...

A guy gets hit by a car and goes to hell. When he gets there, the devil is standing in front of 3 doors.

The devil says, "It's your lucky day. I'm
gonna give you a chance to get out of hell. You
have to complete 3 tasks.

"Behind this first door is a 1-gallon jug of Jack
Daniel's. You have to drain it in one drink.

"Behind the second door is a 600 lb. grizzly bear
with a sore t...

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A rabbit spots a fox rolling a blunt

The rabbit dashes to him and shout : " Don't smoke weed man, just go for a run with me!"

And so they went for a run.

After a running for a bit they spot a squirrel ready to snort up a big fat line of coke.

The rabbit again dashes to him and shouts : "Mate, don't do it! just go f...

There's a protocol when it comes to bears [Long]

If you go camping, you should carry bells so not to startle a bear and be attacked, and pepper spray in case it does.

It would help to learn the scat of the bear, so you can avoid areas with dangerous species.

Brown and black bear's is small and dark.

Grizzly's is large, light i...

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The Bear and the Hunter

A man goes into a gun shop and buys a rifle to go bear hunting. Five minutes into the woods, he spots a huge grizzly, takes aim and fires… and when the smoke clears, bear is gone. As he's puzzling over this, he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around and there, towering over him, is the bear....

A police officer was driving through an empty freeway in the woods one day, when he stumbled upon the corpse of a large animal laying on the side of a road...

A police officer was driving through an empty freeway in the woods one day, when he stumbled upon the corpse of a large animal laying on the side of a road, with a pickup truck parked nearby.

He parked his car, opened the door, and looked at the animal, a grizzly bear, with some of its limbs ...

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A guy goes out one day, hunting for bear.

After a few hours in the forest, he finally sees a giant grizzly. He gets the bear in the rifle's sight and is about to pull the trigger when he feels a tap on his shoulder. It's another bear.

“Buddy,” the bear says, “that's my best friend down there. I can rip your head off right now, or yo...

A Native American child asks his father how they choose children's names.

Father - "After you are born, we open the tepee and the first thing we see is what we name you. Like your eldest brother, Soaring Eagle, your sister, Falling Leaves, and your little brother, Grizzly Cub. Why do you ask Two Dogs Humping?"

Two Men are walking in the woods...

When they come upon a Grizzly Bear. The first man bends down quickly and begins to tighten shoelaces.

The second man says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!"

As the first man begins to stretch he replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun you."

Fresh Foot Prints!

A Californian went out to follow up a grizzly bear and was gone three days. Then he turned up without his game.

“Lost the trail, Bill, I suppose”, said one of his cronies.

“Naw, I kept on the trail alright “

“Then ,what is the matter?”

“Wall, the footprints was getting to...

Girl: So how did you hurt your foot?

Boy: Well we were camping out and this giant Grizzly Bear came out of nowhere, reared up on his hind legs, roared, and then started charging us! So I ran in front of him, shouting, "Oh no you don't!' And then I kicked him where it hurts the most and he ran off into the woods whimpering.

Girl:...

Two famous explorers decided to trek across Canada...

They planned for months to make it the perfect trip, and they each had the support of their respective governments. Each explorer was to make a daily video call to their country's #1 news station to update them on their trip, in return for funding.
The explorer from Poland set out, and he met th...

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My Dad's bear story.

A long time ago, my Dad worked on the Canadian Geographic Survey, which took him into the Rocky Mountains.

He told me this story about it.

Dad: I was working with my coworker all day, and then we returned to camp and started cooking dinner. The smell must have carried on the wind, an...

My friend got mauled by a bear....

but i'm not gonna discuss the Grizzly details......

An American patriot with amputated arms decides to replace them.

He obtains a pair of grizzly bear arms from a black market, and attaches them on his own, with the help of a friend.

He is arrested for contribution to animal cruelty and performing medical procedures unlicensed.

When taken to court, he gives a speech defending his right to bear arms.

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Two new hunters...

Are enjoying their time at the hunting lodge. Meeting the oldest member, a man in his 90s they commented that he must have a ton of stories. He replied, "yes, one stands out more than the others." Intrigued they asked to hear. "Well" , the old man says, "I was a younger man, in my 20s. I was in Al...

Watch for bears this weekend

The National Park Rangers are advising hikers in Glacier National Park and other Rocky Mountain parks to be alert for bears and take extra precautions to avoid an encounter.

They advise park visitors to wear little bells on their clothes so they make noise when hiking. The bell noise allows b...

I think we can get Republicans on board with climate change initiatives if we just focus on consequences that mean something to them.

I've read that polar ice is melting causing polar bears to migrate south.  They've actually started sharing habitat with grizzly bears and are even interbreeding with them. Now if there's one thing Republicans hate more than science it's interracial marriage. So all we need to do is let them know th...

Two Friends on a Hunting Trip

I work as a park ranger, and this rather lengthy story was passed on to my by a buddy of mine.

Not so long ago two good friends from college decided to have a ten year reunion. One was a successful certified public accounted who lived in San Francisco. A rising star in his field, he invited ...

My Favorite Bear Joke

A bear hunter gets a new gun for Christmas from his wife. Excited, he goes into the forest to hunt some bears. Soon, he sees a black bear, grabs his gun and shoots it. As the hunter is walking up to the carcass, he feels a tap on his shoulder. Scared he whips around and its a Brown bear who says "Yo...

A collection of Waspy jokes about yo-mamma

1. Your mother is so déclassé, she has a time-share
near Sea World!

2. Your mother is so prescription drug dependent,
she pops Xanax like Godiva bonbons!

3. Your mother is so lower middle-class, she thinks
Egyptian cotton smells of camels!

4. Your mother...

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A Polar Bear Cub

Walks up to its mother

"Mum, am I part Brown Bear?"

"No dear"

"Am I part Black Bear?"

"No dear, your all Polar Bear"

"Grizzly? Panda?"

"No why?!"

"Because I'm fucking freezing!"

I was searching for bear photos

When I made a grizzly discovery

Christan Bear

A man who was atheist was walking in the woods when he heard a growl and the loud sound of branches snapping behind him. He turned around to see what was making the noise and he saw a large grizzly bear standing on his rear paws poised to attack. The man imediately turned around and started running ...

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A hunter sets out in search of a bear to shoot for its pelt. He comes across a clearing and spots a small black bear...

He levels his rifle and lines his sights up on the black bear and fires. He puts his rifle sling over his shoulder but before he can step out of the shadows into the clearing he is tapped upon the shoulder. He turns and sees a massive grizzly bear. The Grizzly in a stern tone says to the hunter "Tha...

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Jon was excited about his new rifle..

... and wanted to try it out, so he went bear hunting. He spotted a small black bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder and he turned round to see a larger black bear. The black bear said "You've got two choices, I either maul you to death or we have sex." Jon decided to bend over. Ev...

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So there was a mighty hunter...(long but worth it)

Who went out hunting one day. The hunter comes upon a field and spies a massive grizzly bear. So he crouches down with his rifle, lines it up just right and Ka-boom! After the shot rings out, he can't see the bear. He looks around left and right until he feel a tap on his shoulder.
It's the b...

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Three old cowboys...

Frank, Raph, and Jed had just finished their supper by the camp fire and broke out the jug of whiskey. Passing around the jug, they started bragging about their dangerous escapades throughout their lives. Frank says, "I remember one time I was crossing a stream and a 12 foot grizzly bear that was fi...

The Pope's Alaska Visit

The Pope went on vacation to visit Alaska. He was cruising in the Pope-Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion. He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a 'Vote for Bernie' hat and a 'Save the Trees' shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, trying to free himself from t...

Bubba wants to be a Lumberjack

Bubba is a good old boy from Texas who visits Alaska and is amazed at the size of Alaska. He visits a lumber camp and wants to be a Lumberjack he tells the foreman. The boys have a little fun with Bubba and they tell him you have to pass 3 tests. Test one is to chop a hole in the frozen lake and swi...

A pastor goes hiking

and as he comes around a corner on the trail he comes across a giant grizzly bear. The bear lets out a growl and is about to charge when the pastor falls on his knees and prays: "Lord, I pray that the bear would be a Christian."

In an amazing miracle, the bear is converted instantly and s...

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The Texan in Alaska

1960, Alaska is now a state. A Texan moves up to Alaska determined to be a citizen of the largest state in the union. He walks into the first bar in Juneau and shouts "All right, I'm going to be an Alaskan! You there, Barkeep, I'm going to be an Alaskan! What do I have to do to become an Alaskan!" <...

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A long bar joke

A man walks into a bar. Orders a beer. The bartender asks him: "You look like a tough man, and we have three challenges for men like you, if you make it, you'll get free drinks til the day you die." - "Sounds interesting, what do I have to do?" -"Aight!", goes the bartender, "#1: you have to shotgun...

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Beware of bears

Hikers who visit this forest should be aware that both black bears and grizzly bears can be found here. We suggest the following precautions for your safety.

Please wear small bells on your clothing to alert wildlife of your presence so they stay away. Please have pepper spray with you at all...