UPJOKE
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Two Florida men are hunting wild boar in the woods...

They come across a boar with it's head stuck in the knothole of a tree. The first Florida man says, "Hey y'all, watch this" and walks over the boar, unzips his pants, and fucks the boar in the ass. When he's done he says "Okay, it's your turn, buddy."

The second Florida man says, "Okay, b...

Where boars get their color?

Pigment

What do you call the pack of boars who killed members of Isis?

Squeal Team 6

The presidential limousine pulls up to Air Force One. Donald Trump steps out with a baby boar tucked under each arm.

As he’s about to board the plane, a secret service agent stops him and asks “Sir, forgive my intrusion, but what’s with the boars?”

Donald motions to one and says “I got this one for Eric,” he motions to the other, “and I got this one for Don Jr.”

The secret service agent nods in appro...

Why did the swine stop playing games with his friends?

Because he was boared.

A farmer drives to a neighbor’s farmhouse and knocks on the door

A boy, about 9, opens the door.

"Is your Dad or Mom home?" asks the farmer.

"No, they went to town."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" 

"No, he went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stands there for a few minutes, shifting his weight from one foot to the o...

Did you hear the one about the boar in the forest?

Oops. Greasy fingers.

What do you get when you cross a cat and a wild boar?

Revocation of your grant money and a stern rebuke from the ethics committee.

Now that the Wild Boars are all safe...

...Thailand maintains its reputation of happy endings.

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Iris‌‌h daughte‌‌r ha‌‌d no‌‌t bee‌‌n hom‌‌e fo‌‌r ove‌‌r ‌‌5 years‌‌. Upo‌‌n he‌‌r retur‌‌n he‌‌r Fathe‌‌r curse‌‌d he‌‌r heavily‌‌.

"Wher‌‌e hav‌‌e y‌‌e bee‌‌n al‌‌l thi‌‌s time‌‌, child‌‌? Wh‌‌y di‌‌d y‌‌e no‌‌t writ‌‌e t‌‌o us‌‌, no‌‌t eve‌‌n ‌‌a line‌‌? Wh‌‌y didn'‌‌t y‌‌e call‌‌? Ca‌‌n y‌‌e no‌‌t understan‌‌d wha‌‌t y‌‌e pu‌‌t ye‌‌r ol‌‌d Mothe‌‌r through?‌‌"
‌‌
Th‌‌e girl‌‌, crying‌‌, replied‌‌, "Dad..‌‌. ‌‌I beca...

Two autocorrecting iPhones walk into a bear

Bard*

BRA*

BOAR*

JESUS %#$&ING CHRISTINA AGUILERA

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My favorite joke

I went to go visit my friend Chuck on his farm out in Greater Minnesota, and he's showing off his barn, crops, and livestock. When we get to the swine corral, there's an enormous boar... with three wooden legs.

So I ask him, "why does that pig have three wooden legs?"

"Well, Steve, tha...

The farmer and the pigs

A farmer, struggeling through deression, is sitting in a bar talking to his neighbour: "I have no Idea to survive,I own 25 sows but no boar. And I can't afford to buy one or arrange a fertilization. If I'd be able to breed piglets, i could sell them and make money.." The neigbour sais: " No Problem,...

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Help, my wife is missing!!!

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over 170 centermeters tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never ...

Husband: My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home ...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really ...

Wild Boar Crossing

I was driving down the highway when I spotted a sign that said "Wild Boar Crossing, $500 fine". Shortly after, wouldn't you know, a little boar ran right out into my lane. I swerved but couldn't react in time and hit the poor guy with my car. I stopped to look around and get my bearings. Lucky f...

Women's Convention (A little Long)

Women from around the world gather at this convention to share their stories of how they rekindled their love with their husbands.

A English women approaches the stage and begins, " for five days I told my husband, I will no longer cook for you, make you tea, and do you laundry. The first day...

Farmer Browns pigs

Farmer Brown has a bunch of pigs that are all female. He decides to breed them to increase the size of his herd. So he calls his friend farmer Jones and asks if he can bring his sows over to mate with farmer Jones' boars. Farmer Jones agrees, so next morning, farmer Brown loads all his pigs into ...

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A farmer has 18 beautiful daughters

One day three brothers were traveling when they stopped at this farmer's farmstead to rest. The farmer let them in and gave them food and drink.

Upon seeing the many beautiful maidens, the eldest brother approached the farmer, and asked, "Farmer, can I sleep with your 18 daughters?"

Th...

Three blondes were walking through a forest when they spotted tracks on the ground.

The first blonde said, "Look, these are deer tracks."

The second blonde looked at them and said, "No you're wrong, these tracks obviously belong to wolves."

The third blonde thought for a minute and said, "You're both wrong, these are wild boar tracks, I'm sure."

They were still...

Here it is, the Chinese year of the rat has begun...

And here I am still writing year of the boar on my checks.

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What do you call extra skin on a pig’s penis?

The boar skin.

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Three kingdoms border a lake in the shape of an obtuse triangle

One kingdom lies on each side of the lake. For decades, the king's had argued over it's true owner, each claiming to be the first kingdom to settle there, and many tales of magical swords and godly favours to claim divine right. Eventually, this storytelling and legal battling came to no conclusion,...

I saw a stage production of "The Three Pigs" yesterday.

The pigs were pretty boaring, but the wolf really brought down the house.

Why wasn't the wild pig invited to any parties?

Because everyone thought he was a boar.

A man went to a hunting lodge

He walked up to the bar and sat down.
He looked around and admired all of the trophies and stuffed animals they had on display, he then looked at the bartender and said "I will bet you one beer that what ever animal you have in here, i can guess what animal it is , and what kind of weapon was use...

Farming

A city banker gets fed up with his immoral career so sells up and buys a pig farm in Suffolk with his wife.


He moves in and next day goes to buy a few sows and a boar. 'How will I know the sows are pregnant?' he asks the seller.


"Ah, well, the morning after, the sows be lay...

So this farmer owns a single female pig. He wants her to have piglets...

...so(w) he asks around the village for any eligible bachelor boars. Turns out there aren't any, but there's this fella at a nearby village who runs a Rent-A-Boar service, charging by the coupling.

The next morning, our farmer gets up early, attaches the trailer to his tractor, gets the pig o...

Why did no one like to hang with the male pig?

He was too Boar-ing.

Three women are looking at their hair in the mirror.

The first says, "I really need to get this cut and styled so I can have pigtails."

The second nods. "I'm looking for more of a ponytail look." She laughs. "Isn't it funny how many styles are named after parts of animals?"

The third girl laughs. "I know right? Just the other day, I got ...

Why do male pigs make everyone fall asleep?

It's because their real boars to be with.

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Billy visits his grandfather, who used to hunt large game.

The grandfather gives Billy a tour of his house, showing him all of the mounted heads and carcass of animals he's shot. Deer, boar, fox, etc. When they enter the study, there stands a 6'2" stuffed grizzly bear. "Grandpa, did you kill that bear?" Billy asked. "I sure did, Billy." "That's amazing! How...

A hunter went out on a hunting trip. He took his sons cigarettes by mistake.

He had an excellent day. He shot 2 bucks, a boar, a black bear, and a unicorn.

What do you call the pigs that live next to horses?

Neigh Boars

Farmer Fred's Pig

Farmer Jones got out of his car and while heading for his friend's door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg. His curiosity roused, he asked, "Fred, how'd that pig get him a wooden leg?"

"Well, Michael, that's a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the w...

the bear and his list

It's rumored in the forest, that the bear has a deathlist with the names of all animals he's going to kill. All of the animals are worried about that rumor.

The deer decides first to go to the bear's cave and ask him out about his list.
Deer: "Is it true, that you have a deathlist?"
...

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Mean Drunk!

One day two guys go to a bar on the 100th floor of a building. It's a pretty fancy and famous place you'd go to tick it off the bucket list. A drunk approaches them

Drunk: You know what I can do, do ya?

Man1: Ummm, we want no trouble mister.

D: Nonsense no trouble I just wanted ...

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A rabbit is being chased by a bear

and just as the bear was about to catch him, they trip over a fabled genie’s lamp. Having brushed the lamp, a genie appears and promises to grant the rabbit and bear three wishes each.

Before the rabbit has a chance to speak, the bear shoves him aside and tells the genie how hard it is to fin...

An Elf Ranger was touring the remote mountain village in which he lived, when suddenly a man ran out of the house and came up to him.

"Ranger!" the man demanded. "My wife recently gave birth to an Elf! And you are the only Elf anywhere around here, everyone else is human! Explain yourself!"

"Now, don't judge too harshly," The Ranger answered and pointed towards the boars in the man's front yard. "You see, boars are normally...

A pig, tired of its pregnant wife, decided to leave her

As a result, the pregnant swine did not have a baby...






Because she got a-boar-shun.

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The Gorilla

A gorilla is sitting in a tree...and he is a pretty horny. There are no other apes around but he sees the lion eating a boar and he thinks about it and decides that a hole is a hole so he jumps down and fucks the lion in the ass. the lion lets out a terrifying roar and whips around but the gorilla h...

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A fine taster once entered a restaurant and challenged the restaurant owner.

He told the restaurant owner to serve him anything, and he'd be able to identify it. The restaurant owner accepted the challenge, and the starter meal was served. The guest tasted it, thought about it for a few seconds and then said: "This is a paté from a wild boar, duck and common quail. The wine ...

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3 Guys are left on an island..

As a social experiment, scientists decide to leave 3 guys in a remote island with only a supply box to help them to survive 6 weeks of isolation. The American was tasked with building shelter, the Russian was tasked with hunting for food, while the Japanese was tasked to take care of the supplies fr...

What's the most controversial animal product?

A boar shin.

Reincarnation is really a thing.

I used to be a wild dog but now I'm a massive boar.

I don't understand why so many people like animal puns.

Personally, I think they're boaring.

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