UPJOKE
african elephanttigerlionrhinocerosgiraffeapeindian elephantmammothtuskzoomanateesavannamammalpoachingpachyderm

A billionaire buys an elephant

Two billionaire friends meet. After a casual conversation, one of them finally asks: So, how's your home life?

The other answers: Couldn't be better! I bought an elephant!

The other guy looks at him astonished: An elephant? Have you gone mad?

The guy replies, smiling: Oh, man, ...

Do you know why you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they are really good at it.

I have the memory of an elephant

When I was six, my parents took me to the zoo. There I saw an elephant.

A friend of mine had a job at the zoo circumcising elephants.

The pay was poor, but the tips were huge

I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said "Ah gee. Thanks."

I said "Don't mention it."

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Why do elephants paint their testicles red?

-So they can hide in cherry trees.

What's the loudest sound in the jungle?

-A giraffe eating cherries.

Know why youโ€™ve never seen an elephant hiding in a tree?

Because theyโ€™re good at it

How do you know when you've passed an elephant?

You can't flush the toilet.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

An elephant is walking through the jungle.

An elephant is walking through the jungle. She is almost home home when she steps on a log and gets a nasty splinter deep in between her toes.

She tries to keep walking but the pain is just to much for her to handle.

As the elephant falls to the ground rrady to give up, she notices...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

How do you kill a blue Elephant?

With a blue elephant gun obviously.

*How do you kill a red elephant?*

You choke it til it turns blue then use a blue elephant gun.

*How do you kill a green elephant?*

You tickle it til it turns red then choke it til it turns blue then use a blue elephant gun.

*How ...

What do you get if you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros?

'ell if I know

How do you hide an elephant in a strawberry patch?

Paint it's toenails red.

Don't believe me? Have you ever seen an elephant in a strawberry patch?

Why is it wrong to have two elephants in the same swimming pool at the same time?

They'll only have one pair of trunks.

How can you tell the difference between an Indian and African elephant?

One of them is an elephant

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

Marry her.

I circumcise elephants for the circus, the pay is lousy.....

But the tips are enormous.

How do elephants speed up mealtime?

They truncate it.

What do you call an elephant that doesnโ€™t matter?

An Irrelephant

What do you call an elephant thatโ€™s completely made out of ears?

The answer is entirely earelephant.

An elephant walks into a bar

The bar goes into renovation

How to put 2 elephants in a jar without them touching each other?

You just put a third elephant between them.

how do you stop an elephant from charging?

take away its credit card

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

The baby elephant trunk...

A man is in a tragic accident and awakens in the hospital. The doctor and nurse are there and after the basic checks the doctor pulls up a chair.

"I have some terrible news, sir. You were in a terrible accident and you lost your penis."

The man is shocked, and starts to weep, but the ...

you know what they say about elephants with nasally voices

They got a lot of junk in the trunk

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A Naked Man and a Talking Elephant

Once a naked man was wandering through a dense forest where he came across a talking elephant. At first both of them looked constantly at each other and then the talking elephant asked, "Holy Fuck! How the hell you can breathe from that little thing down there".

how do you stop an elephant from stampeding?

Cut its stampeder off.

When I was younger one of my favorite jokes to tell was about a 4,000 lb. elephant. I tried to convert it to metric to share with the rest of the world.

But, it never got a laugh. Just these looks of mass confusion.

A frog walks into a bank

... and approaches the teller. He can see from her name tag that her name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti stares at the talking frog in disbelief but recovers herself quickly and asks him how much he wants to bo...

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

How do you breathe through that tiny thing?

How do Tigers, Elephants, and Lions fly?

On the African plain

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

An elephant steps on an anthill

The ants start climbing up the huge male elephantโ€™s leg, and the elephant starts to shake its body trying to get rid of the large amount of pissed off ants.

It moves so desperately that after a while they start falling off. Finally, there is only one ant left behind the elephantโ€™s head, as th...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

What do you do when you get swallowed by an elephant?

Run around until youโ€™re all pooped out!

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

An elephant asked a camel, "Why do you have boobs on your back?"

The camel was stunned for a second and then replied, โ€œThatโ€™s a good question, especially coming from a freak who has his penis on his face!"

What do you do if an elephant comes in your window?

Swim for your life.

What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

You walk him and pitch to the rhino.

Incredible Story of Dr. Davis and an Elephant

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Victoria University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

what do you get when you crossbreed a Chihuahua with an Elephant?

A dead Chihuahua with an eighteen inch asshole.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

What do elephants use as tampons?

Sheep.

Why do elephants have trunks?

Sheep don't have strings.

An elephant and an ape go to a party together. They want to bring some snacks: crackers and dips. Which of them buys the crackers?

The elephant.

Because the ape always buys the dip.

I got a friend an elephant plushy for his room

He told me, "thank you."

And I replied, "Don't mention it."

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A guy went to a doctor about getting a penile implant.

When speaking with the doctor, he said "You have come to the right place. ย We have a new procedure, that has worked very well for several of my patients. ย We implant part of an elephant's trunk into your penis. ย I expect you'll enjoy it once the operation is complete.

Although the man was a l...

Elephant.

Why do elephants have four feet.?

\>

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

They would look silly with four inches.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A rabbit is running around the woods

When he encounters and elephant, who was just about to light a joint.

The rabbit yells: "No!! Are you seriously gonna throw your life away like that? Come run with me, that's way more healthy!!"

So the elephant starts running with the rabbit, they run through the woods until they enco...

King

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, Who is mightiest of all jungle animals? The trembling monkey says, You are, mighty lion!Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows, Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals? The ...

An elephant escaped from a zoo and no trace had been found....

Until a woman who had never seen an elephant before, called the police.

There's a weird animal in my garden. It's pulling up the cabbages with its tail. And what is worse, I cannot describe what it is doing with them.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

For my first cake day I want to share a joke my dad told me when I was probably too young to really understand it. How does an elephant hide in the jungle?

Climbs to the top of a cherry tree and paints his balls red.

Whatโ€™s the loudest sound in the jungle?

Giraffes eating cherries!

(Apologies if youโ€™ve heard it before fellow Redditors! Maybe by next cake day Iโ€™ll get better material)

Elephant in a fridge (what style of humour is this joke?)

How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

(This is a 6 in 1 joke)
Person 1: You have 500 bricks. If you throw one off a plane, how many will you have left?
Person 2: 499.
Person 1: Correct!

Person 1: How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Person 2: Thatโ€™s not...

Why don't elephants use computers?

Because they are terrified of mice!

Do you know? a King Cobra's venom can kill an elephant.

Thank god I am not an elephant.

How did the zookeepers deal with reports of nudity in an enclosure?

They addressed the elephant in the room

What do you get when you mix an elephant and a hooker?

A two ton pickup

Do you know why Ducks have big flat feet?

So they can stomp out forest fires.

Do you know why elephants have big flat feet?

So they can stomp out flaming Ducks.

What do elephants and ice cream have in common?

They both come in quartz

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

The elephant

A man goes into his doctors after being assaulted by an elephant in the jungle.

As the man explains what happened in the jungle the doctor is confused.

\- "Well, I can't see any injuries on you, so what happened?"

The man responds:

\- "Well you see Doc, the elephant knoc...

Does anyone know the opposite of export elephant?

It's important.

If it's not about elephants, it's irrelephant. But what if it's about ants?

Pertinant.

In the jungle, there's a Football (Soccer) match between the Elephants and the Insects...

By half-time the elephants are completely dominating the insects with a score of 36 - 0.
At the start of the 2nd half the Millipede came on for the insects and he was the best player in the whole of the jungle!
When the final whistle blew it was 37 - 36 to the insects!!


Afte...

If there are 502 bricks in a plane and 1 falls off, how many are left?

>!501.!<

How do you put an elephant in a fridge?

>!You open the door, put the elephant in, and close the door.!<

How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?

>!You open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, and close the door.!<

So, the ...

Kitty

A cat walks into a bar and orders coffee. The waiter is speechless and seeing this, the cat asks:

\- Is anything the matter?

\- Well, yeah.. you're a cat.

\- So?

\- You can talk..

\- I fail to see the problem. Please get me my order.

\- Right away, it's just...

An elephant drinking from a stream spots a tortoise lounging on the shore.

He grabs it with his trunk and flings it into the jungle. A passing zebra asks, "Why did you do that?" ...... "Forty years ago that very tortoise nipped my tail just for fun," the elephant said. "Wow" says the Zebra, "forty years ago! How did you remember that?" "That's easy" said the elephant. "...

An elephant saw a man urinating in the woods

The elephant asks to the man โ€œ how are you able to drink if the trunk is that far downโ€

Why were the elephants kicked out of the public pool?

They kept dropping their trunks.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Tortoise and Rabbit. Antagonist view.

A different insight into the story of hare and tortoise:-

E๐’—๐’†๐’“๐’š๐’๐’๐’† ๐’•๐’‰๐’“๐’๐’–๐’ˆ๐’‰๐’๐’–๐’• ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐’˜๐’๐’“๐’๐’… ๐’‰๐’‚๐’” ๐’Œ๐’†๐’‘๐’• ๐’ˆ๐’Š๐’—๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐’†๐’™๐’‚๐’Ž๐’‘๐’๐’† ๐’๐’‡ ๐‘ป๐’๐’“๐’•๐’๐’Š๐’”๐’†โ€ฆ ๐‘บ๐’‚๐’š๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ ๐’•๐’‰๐’‚๐’• ๐’”๐’๐’๐’˜ ๐’‚๐’๐’… ๐’”๐’•๐’†๐’‚๐’…๐’š ๐’˜๐’Š๐’๐’” ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐’“๐’‚๐’„๐’†, ๐’‚๐’๐’… ๐’†๐’Ž๐’‘๐’‰๐’‚๐’”๐’Š๐’›๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ...

(Dumb Joke That I Heard Today)What did the elephant say to the naked guy that he saw in the jungle?

Do you breath through it.

How would an elephant smell without a trunk?

Trunk or no trunk, he would still smell terrible.

I have the memory of an elephant.

I saw an elephant.

A medieval king was hunting in Africa. He killed a lion, an elephant, and a hippopotamus, and awarded the skins to his three squires back home in his kingdom. Thus, the three squires became known as the Lion Squire, the Elephant Squire, and the Hippo Squire.

As the years passed, the Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire became very jealous of the Hippo Squire because they wanted the hippo skin too. So, they hatched a plan to assassinate the Hippo Squire and divide the hippo skin between them equally.

Now the Lion Squire had eight sons, and the Elep...

How do you fit an Elephant in a refrigerator ?

Open the door, shove in the Elephant, close the door.


*How do you fit a Giraffe in a refrigerator?*

Open the door, take out the Elephant, shove in the Giraffe, close the door.


*A plane has 20 bricks on the right hand side and 21 bricks on the left side. How do you balanc...

How can you find an elephant in the dark?

You can smell the peanuts on his breath

Elephant Joke

It seems that there was this lady who had never seen an Elephant before (preposterous you say?)

She didn't even know what one looked like!

Well, as luck would have it, after leaving the farm and moving to the city, she woke up one morning, and lo and behold, there was an elephant in he...

Why did the elephant cross the road?

Because the chicken stepped on his toe.

Wife wants to see the circus

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

โ€œYakov's Moscow Circus is coming to town this week,โ€ she said. โ€œThe poster says they have a dancing bear. I always wanted to see one of those.โ€

โ€œMaybe next year,โ€ says the man. โ€œWorkโ€™s really busy this week.โ€

The next night at dinne...

Some people say elephants love alcohol because they love the tasteโ€ฆ

but I think itโ€™s because they drink to forget.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A man goes to the doctor

A man goes to the doctor and says โ€˜doctor, my wife & I have been married 30 years, and have enjoyed a very active sex life up until now, but I can no longer get it up. Iโ€™ve tried every pill going, is there anything you can do?โ€™

The doctor explains that there is an experimental surgery ava...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A man goes to a restaurant and sees a sign by the door

The sign reads: "Order anything you want, if we cannot make it, you get $300."
So, when the waiter comes he orders steamed elephant testicles with fried giraffe tongue on toast. The waiter goes to the kitchen and gives the cook the order. The kitchen staff is frantic and scrambles to find what ...

I used to make a living by circumcising elephants

The pays were lousy but the tips were huge!

When an elephant is sitting on your fence, what time is it?

Time to get a new fence.

Helping an Elephant

An American exchange student goes to Africa. While there, he spends a lot of time hiking around in the jungle. One day, he hears a commotion. He goes towards the sounds. Peering through some bushes, he spots an elephant.

The elephant seems to be in some distress. The student steps through...

My balloon elephant wouldn't fit in my backseat

So I had to pop the trunk

What's the difference between a tavern and an elephant fart?

One is a bar room, and the other is a "BAAAH-ROOOM!"

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Learned this one when I was 5

The elephant said to the camel: Haha! You have your tits on your back!
Then the camel answered: So what? You have your dick om your face!

(it was hilarious when I was 5, and I still giggle a bit when remembering it)

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Democrats are sexier than Republicans

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Is it true that Democrats are generally considered to be more attractive than Republicans?" he asks the bartender. "Well, have you every heard of a hot piece of elephant?" the bartender responds.

How do you persuade elephants to go swimming?

Remind them that they already have their trunks on.

How many elephants does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Well, technically just two. It would have to be a pretty huge lightbulb to fit them though.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A boy sees an elephants penis at the zoo

He asks โ€œmommy! whats that?"

Mom quickly replies "oh that's nothing" and walks on.

Later while passing the elephant the kid sees the weiner again and says to his dad "what's that daddy?"

Dad replies "oh thats the elephants penis"

kid says "oh, mommy says that's n...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A man goes to the Doctors and saysโ€ฆ

โ€œIโ€™ve got a huge hole in my arse.โ€

The doctor says, โ€œDrop your pants, bend over and let me have a look.โ€

The man does as heโ€™s told. โ€œMy God!!โ€ exclaims the doctor. โ€œWhat could have made a hole as big as that?โ€

He replies, โ€œIโ€™ve been fucked by an elephant.โ€

The doctor says...

Courtesy of the Christmas cracker I just pulled: What do you get if you cross a fish and two elephants?

Swimming Trunks

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?

Elephino. It just isn't rhelephant.

(This joke works best when said out loud.)

Did you hear the one about the elephant with diarrhea?

No? Funny, itโ€™s all over town.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

You are on a horse galloping at a constant speed. On your right side, is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse, but your horse is unable to overtake it...

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Why do elephants make love in water?

Well, how else do you keep a two tonne fanny wet for two hours?

Why don't elephants ride tricycles?

They don't have a thumb to ring the little bell.

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?

Steve. Just because he's irrelephant doesn't mean we don't use his name.

Q: What's gray and comes in pints?

A: An elephant.

I got this from my 12yo cancer patient as I was rounding today...

How do you put an elephant in a Safeway bag?

You take the f out of safe and the f out of way.

Elephant never forgets

This man, Rajesh Patel wnet to Africa on a safari. While there, he comes upon an elephant, in great pain, with a giant thorn in its foot. Rajesh very carefully approaches the elephant, and gingerly removes the thorn from its foot. The elephant begins to walk away, then turns and stares at Rajesh for...

A man walked onto a bus with an elephant.

He stuffs a piece of bread into each ear of the elephant.

"What the hell is that???" Yelled the shocked driver.

The man replies, annoyed "None of your business what I put in my sandwich."

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A mum, dad and their son go to the zoo. When they get to the elephants, one walks over in their direction. The son asks the mother โ€œwhatโ€™s that hanging doneโ€. The mother says โ€œthatโ€™s his trunkโ€. โ€œNo behind thatโ€ says the son. โ€œOh thatโ€™s nothingโ€ replies the mother.

The son then asks the dad, who says โ€œthatโ€™s the elephantโ€™s penis, sonโ€. โ€œThen why did mummy say itโ€™s nothing?โ€ Asks the boy. โ€œSon, Iโ€™ve really spoiled that womanโ€

What do you call an elephant that flies ?

A Jumbo Jet...

Why do elephants wear blue tennis shoes?

(So they land softer when they're sky diving?) No, because white ones scuff up too easily.

\---

Why shouldn't you go out in the savannah between 4pm and 6pm?
\--That's when the elephants go sky-diving

\---

Why do elephants live in herds?
\---To get the group dis...

There is an elephant and a giraffe in the bathroom

The giraffe says "pass the soap, please"

And the elephant says "no soap, radio!"

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