What do you call an elephant who doesn't matter?

An irrelephant

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You are on a horse galloping at a constant speed. On your right side, is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse, but your horse is unable to overtake it...

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

What animal has two gray legs and two brown legs?

​

An elephant with diarrhea

Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she wont think twice..

Call a girl fat once and she’ll always remember.

Because elephants never forget

Elephant Stew

## Ingredients

* 1 Elephant
* Brown gravy, and lots of it
* Salt and pepper to taste
* 2 Rabbits (optional)

## Directions

Cut elephant into small, bite-size pieces.

This should take about 2 months.

​

Add enough brown gravy to cover,
<...

What do you call a hybrid between an elephant and a rhinoceros

Elephino

What do you do if you come across an elephant

Wipe it off and apologize

What's the difference between an Indian and an African elephant?

One of them is an elephant and the other one isn't.

What do you call the offspring of an elephant and a rhyno?

Elephyno

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they're so damn good at it.

I bought my friend an elephant for his room...

He said, "Thanks". I said, "Don't mention it".

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Why do elephants paint their balls red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.
What the loudest sound in the wild ?
Giraffes eating cherries.

How Do You Fit 8 Elephants In a Car

2 in the front, 3 in the back and the bottle from an earlier joke in the middle.

As a summer job I would work for the circus, my job was to circumcise the elephants...

The pay wasn’t that good, but the tips were HUGE

How can you scare people with your impression of an elephant?

Turn both of your pants pockets inside out, and say, “hey, you ever seen my impression of an elephant?” while reaching for your zipper.

What do you get if you cross an elephant and a fish?

Swimming trunks.

What time was it when the elephant sat on the fence?

Time to get a new fence...

My wife began to address the elephant in the room.

I asked her why she was talking to herself.

What did elephant say to a naked man?

How do you breathe through that tiny thing?

Why does an elephant have a trunk?

Because he doesn’t have a glove compartment

A man walks through the African wild lands and sees an elephant in distress.

He goes close to it but slowly, knowing that they can become enraged very quickly. Upon closing in on it, the elephant stops trumpeting and looks at the man. There was a minute of intense staring between the two, the man noticed an obvious mark on one of its tusks like a tiny dark grey diamond. Slow...

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An elephant and a mouse are walking through a forest...

When suddenly the elephant falls through a trap hole and can't get out.
Mouse starts panicking as the elephant, stuck, pleads for help.
So the mouse starts thinking... and runs back all the way out of the forest, where he finds a parking lot.
At the edge of the parking lot, he sees a re...

What did the zoo keeper say when he saw the elephant wearing sunglasses?

nothing, he didn’t recognise him

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

Marry it

What do you get when you cross a hippopotamuses, an elephant, and a rhino?

A hellifiknow

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An elephant picks up a white rabbit

An elephant picks up a white rabbit after taking a dump. It asks the rabbit: “Are you afraid of getting dirty?” The rabbit says no and the elephant wipes his bum with it.

The next day the elephant picks up a squirrel after eating. It asks the squirrel: “Are you afraid of getting dirty?” The s...

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Why is an elephants leg considered a sexual organ in India?

When it steps on you, you’re fucked.

What do you do to an elephant with three balls?

Walk him and pitch to the rhinoceros.

I have the memory of an elephant.

I remember one time I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.

I just read that the poaching of elephants and rhinoceroses has dropped dramatically

I am pretty sure this is because roasting, or frying, them is a much tastier way to prepare them.

What do you get when you cross a mountain range with 40 elephants?

A strategic military advantage against the Romans in the Second Punic War.

What do you get when you mix a helicopter, and elephant and a rhino?

Hell if I know...

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A man went to the doctor complaining about erectile dysfunction...

A man went to the doctor and told him that he was having trouble maintaining an erection. After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him.

However, he knew of an exp...

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A boy sees an elephants penis at the zoo

He asks “mommy! whats that?"

Mom quickly replies "oh that's nothing" and walks on.

Later while passing the elephant the kid sees the weiner again and says to his dad "what's that daddy?"

Dad replies "oh thats the elephants penis"

kid says "oh, mommy says that's n...

Not another elephant

Two elephants meet a totally naked guy. After a while one elephant says to the other: “I really don’t get how he can feed himself with that thing!”

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

Eleph-ino

What does a tank museum and a zoo have in common?

They both have Panthers, pumas, tigers and elephants.

I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today and as we were walking around, he suddenly shouted, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!” I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us...

“What did you just call it?” I asked.

“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.

Watch the Elephant

What does an elephant have in common with a Seiko watch?

They both come in quartz.

What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

Walk him and pitch to the rhino.


- Credit to the writers of 'Hot Shots'.

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Elephant Trunk

There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.

"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she say...

How to catch an elephant

You need a boring book, a pair of binoculars, a pair of tweezers, and a beer bottle.

First, read the boring book until you fall asleep. When an elephant comes along he will look over your shoulder and read the book, and because it's so boring he will fall asleep too. So then you wake up! Now ...

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Elephant's Mating Season

A guy applies for a job at the zoo. The head keeper of the zoo said, "Your job will be to clean out the elephant cage. But, I have to warn you it's mating season and they will jump on just about anything." "Don't worry," the guy replied, "I've worked with elephants before."

Half way through h...

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Mom and dad take their 5 year-old son to the zoo...

They stop by the elephants and the son notices the bull elephant, who's clearly excited. The son whispers to mom, "Mom, what's that thing hanging from the elephant?"

The mom, not really paying attention replies, "That's the elephant's trunk, sweetie."

The son replies, "No, mom. I know ...

The teacher asks students to name an animal that begins with an “E”

One boy says, “Elephant.”

Then the teacher asks for an animal that begins with a “T”. The same boy says, “Two elephants.”

The teacher sends the boy out of the class for bad behavior. After that she asks for an animal beginning with “M”.

The boy shouts from the other side of the ...

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An Elephant And a Camel Meet in the Desert.

The Elephant asks: "Lol what are those boobs for on your back?"

The Camel responds: "Keep talking with that dick in your face"

How do you kill a blue elephant? You shoot it with a blue elephant gun. How do you kill a pink elephant?

You hold its trunk until it turns blue. Then you shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

What would happen if you stack elephants on each other up to the moon?

You would have a bunch of angry elephants on top of each other.

How to catch an elephant.

So the first thing you want to do when trying to catch an elephant is dig a really big hole. They're absolute units so a REALLY big hole.
Next you need to burn stuff, you just need the soot and ashes so it doesn't matter what you burn. Once you have a lot of soot and ashes built up, you need t...

An elephant was born with 5 tusks

Now that's what I call multitusking!

Did you hear about the guy that circumcises elephants?

His pay was pretty lousy, but he made big tips.

Why did the elephant go to jail?

He had a dead guy in his trunk.
*My daughter asked me to make up a joke.

If you lined up all the elephants in the world along the equator, tail to trunk...

Most of them would die.

Why have elephants got big ears?

Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom.

Why dont Lions have concerns for Elephants?

Cause their size is irrelephant.

Why didn’t the elephant get the job he wanted?

His qualifications were completely irrelephant.

Elephants never forget

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.

He got down on ...

What's grey and comes in pints?

An elephant.

If there is an elephant in the room and nobody notices

is it irrelephant?

If an elephant and a piecost had a fight which one would win.

What's a piecost.

$3.50

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There’s a squirrel sitting in an acorn tree, doing squirrel stuff...

When he notices an elephant approach and begin to climb the tree. He’s baffled and yells down ‘WHAT are you doing?!’

The elephant nonchalantly replies ‘I’m just coming up to eat oranges’. The squirrel snorts and shouts back ‘you IDIOT; this is an acorn tree!’

The elephant, now nearin...

Why do elephants paint their toenails red.

A: To hide in the cherry trees!

Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?? Then I guess it works!

(As told by my mid-70s, overall wearin, Southern Comfort drinkin neighbor.)

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Elephant encounter

A man visits his doctor because his asshole is the diameter of a basketball. He tells the doctor he was raped by an elephant.

The doctor tells the man he's not familiar with the anatomy of elephants but he's pretty sure that they have long, thin penises.

The man tells his doctor that ...

An inteovert elephant and an emo giraffe walks into a bar..

They couldnt fit in

Why do elephants not use computers?

Because they're afraid of mice.

How to catch an elephant

First you dig a big hole, then start a fire. Take all the ash from the fire and put it in the hole. Then put a bunch of peas around the hole. Then wait for the elephant. When the elephant arrives and goes to take a pea, you go and kick him in the ash hole

What does an elephant do on 9/11?

Never forgets.

How do you pick up an elephant with one hand?

You can't, there are no elephants with one hand

What Would You Get By Crossing An Elephant and A Kangaroo.

Big holes all over Australia.

If your Uncle Jack helped you off an elephant....

Would you help your Uncle Jack off an elephant?

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TIL that comparative brain scans of elephants reveal that they find humans to be "adorable".

I mean, your mom told me I was sexy, but I didn't realize that it was a biological reaction.

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A boy is at the zoo with his parents looking at an elephant NSFW

He looks at the elephant quizzically, turns to his mother and says "Mummy, I know that the long dangly thing at the front is his trunk, and the long dangly thing at the back is his tail, but what is that long dangly thing in between his legs?" Flustered the mother brushes off the question saying "Oh...

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How does an elephant get in a tree?

A: By sitting on a sapling and waiting for the tree to grow underneath it.

Q: How does an elephant get down from a tree?

A: It sits on a leaf and waits for autumn.

Q: Why did the elephant fall from the tree?

A: It thought it was a leaf.

Q: Why did another elephant...