Joke from my 12 year old “why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?”

Because they’re so good at it!

Please don’t ban me

I’ve got the memory of an elephant...

I remember one time I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.

A medieval king was hunting in Africa. He killed a lion, an elephant, and a hippopotamus, and awarded the skins to his three squires back home in his kingdom. Thus, the three squires became known as the Lion Squire, the Elephant Squire, and the Hippo Squire.

As the years passed, the Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire became very jealous of the Hippo Squire because they wanted the hippo skin too. So, they hatched a plan to assassinate the Hippo Squire and divide the hippo skin between them equally.

Now the Lion Squire had eight sons, and the Elep...

How do you get down from an elephant?

You don’t. You get it from a goose.

How do you tell the difference between an Indian and African elephant?

One's an elephant.

A man walked outside and saw an Elephant in his backyard

A man walked outside and saw an Elephant in his backyard eating cabbages of his garden. The man, who had never seen anything like it before, ran to his neighbours house and said ‘Neighbour Neighbour a huge, weird creature is in my garden. Come look! He’s picking up cabbages with his tail and you won...

Did you know: If you stacked every elephant on earth on top of each other...

...most of them would fall.

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What do you get if you cross an elephant and a pornstar?

A failing grade in your photoshop class.

What do you do with an Elephant that has three balls?

You walk him and pitch to the Kangaroo

What do you call an elephant that is pleasingly graceful and stylish in appearance and manner?

An elegant.

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A snake was laughing at an elephant. He said: " Hahahah... i've never seen anyone with a dick on his face before!". The elephant was cross. He replied: "Look at yourself. Your face is on your dick!"

Source: not mine.

How do you fit an elephant inside of a Safeway?

.
.
.
.

you take the 's' out of "safe", and the 'f' out of "way".

There is an elephant and a giraffe in the bathroom

The giraffe says "pass the soap, please"

And the elephant says "no soap, radio!"

I had an uncle who worked circumcising elephants

The pay wasn't great, but the tips were enormous!

Why do elephants have tails?

So they don’t end abruptly

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An Elephant and a Camel met for the first time..

Elephant: Yo, why do you have titties on your back?

Camel: Hahaha, it's better than having a dick on my face!

My kid asked what we would get if we crossed a rhinoceros and an elephant.

I said, elifino.

What do you get when you mix an elephant and a kangaroo?

Big holes all over Australia.

I used to work at the zoo, where my job was to circumcise Elephants.

The pay was rubbish, but the tips were huge!

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NSFW An elephant has a splinter stuck in her foot, and it's driving her crazy.

NSFW

She can't move much and is in a miserable state. Along comes a mouse.

"Please, Mr. Mouse, take this splinter out of my foot so I'm not in so much pain" says the elephant.

The mouse rubs his chin, "on one condition"

"Anything" says the elephant

"I want to have...

I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said, "Thanks".

I said, "Don't mention it."

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

How do you breathe out of that little thing?

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An elephant is standing on a street corner with an erection.

His thing is HUGE, hangs all the way to the ground.

At that moment a mother is taking her son to school and the son looks at the elephant and says "Mommy what is that?"

Mom: "Oh that's the trunk honey"
Kid: "No mom, further back between the legs"
Mom: "Oh that? That's n...

What happens if you mate a rhinoceros and an elephant?

El-iph-ino.

What would you do if an elephant sat in front of you at the movies?

Miss most of the picture.

Nelly The Elephant caught Covid.

Nelly The Elephant caught Covid. When the doctors asked her where she thought she got it from she went "Trump Trump Trump"

I once shot an elephant in my pyjamas

How it got in my pyjamas? I dont know...

Elephant Never Forgets

An elephant and a crocodile were swimming in the Amazon, when the elephant spots a turtle sunning himself on a rock.

The elephant walks over to the turtle, picks him up in his trunk and hurls him far into the jungle.

"What did you do that for?" asks the crocodile.

The elephan...

How do elephants transport stuffs?

In their trunks..

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A restaurant has a challenge: "We will give $500 to any customer whose order we can not fill"

One day, a man sees this sign and decides to take them up on it. So when gets seated, he tells the waitress that he wants an elephant testicle on rye bread.

She dutifully takes his order back to the kitchen. A few seconds later he could hear all hell breaking loose in the kitchen: there's peo...

What does elephant and rabbit have in common?

They both start with letter R if elephants name is Raul

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How does an elephant camouflage? & What's the loudest thing in the forest?

He paints his balls in red and climbs on a cherry tree & A giraffe eating a cherry.

What happens to an elephant that loses his trunk?

He's truncated.

My 8 year old son told me that joke this morning. He didn't know what truncate meant, he just replaced the mp sound of trumpet with the nk sound, and said trunket. He'll make a good dad some day.

Remember Elephant jokes?

These are the first three that I learned a looooong time ago!

* Why do ducks have webbed feet? -- So they can stomp out forest fires.
* Why do elephants have flat feet? -- So they can stomp out flaming ducks.
* Why do elephants paint their toenails red? -- So they can hide in cherry tre...

I'm thinking of hiring an elephant.

I hear they work for peanuts.

What do a fire truck and an elephant have in common?

They’re both red, except for the elephant.

(NSFW) The elephant and the ant

An ant stood by the river, need to go to the other side.
Desperately looking around and can’t find any way to cross.
Then...

An elephant went by

The ant goes “hi mister elephant, would you do me a favour and take me to the other side?”

The elephant say “sure little ant, j...

How to catch an elephant

Elephants live in the jungle, so first, you have to go into the jungle.

Your going to have to dig a hole big enough to trap the elephant in.

Next you have to gets lots of leaves, sticks or anything that you can burn and place it into the hole, then burn it to ash.

You have to f...

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A guy lost his penis in an accident and there were no suitable donors...

A guy lost his penis in an accident and there were no suitable donors, so the only available option to the surgeon was to attach a baby elephant's trunk. After the surgery and healing process, the guy is ready to start dating again. He's out on his 1st date since the accident and while at the dinn...

What should you do when you come across an elephant?

Apologize and wipe it off.

Why can't elephants use computers?

Because they are scared of the mouse

What did the elephant say the first time he saw a naked man?

How are you supposed to feed yourself with that??

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The Elephant and the Mouse

An elephant and a mouse are walking through the woods. The elephant falls into a deep hole. The mouse says “stay calm, I’m gonna go get my big lifted truck and pull you out”. So the mouse gets his truck and pulls the elephant out.
The next day, the elephant and the mouse are walking and this tim...

Elephants never forget...

There was a boy who grew up in India with his father, a diplomat. When he was almost nine, he used to run away from his tutor and go to walk through the forests. On one such occasion, he heard a strange noise and veered off the path to investigate. He saw a young elephant, lying on the ground, appar...

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How do you know if two elephants were having sex in your backyard?

Your fence is knocked down and one of your Hefty trash bags is missing.

A man goes to an circus and he sees an elephant tamer and they start a conversation

The elephant tamer asks: "How do you think I can fit one of these elephants in a take away bag?"

The man asks: "How do you fit an elephant in a take away bag?"

The tamer replies: "You take the 't' from 'take' and the "f" in away."

The man replies: "There's no 'f' in way!"

What do you think they would call a mix between an elephant and a rhino?

‘Ell if I know?

An elephant falls off a cliff and lands on a snake

Badum Hsssss

There is a restaurant that advertises that it will serve you anything you want, but if they can't, then they will gift you $5000 as an apology.

A man passing by sees this message advertised at the entrance, and believes this to be bullshiet, but decides to try it out anyway.

He enters and a waiter takes him to a table. The waiter asks, "What would you like to eat today, sir?"

Man: "I would like an elephant's ear and a muffin ...

A joke my 4 year old came up with today...

Him: ‟What‘s the only mammal that can breathe under water?”

Me: ‟I dunno, what?”

Him (loudly): ‟An elephant sticking his trunk up!”

Did you hear the zoo is hiring someone to perform elephant circumcisions?

The pay's not great, but the tips are pretty big.

What's the difference between a BMW and an elephant.

Elephant has a trunk up front and a**hole in the back.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a giraffe?

A visit from the ethics board an a rescind of your grant.

An Elephant and an Ant spend the night making love.... [From Hill Street Blues S01 E12]

The next morning the ant wakes up to discover the Elephant has died. "Dammit says the ant, "One night of passion and i spend the rest of my life digging a grave."

What do you call a deaf elephant?

Whatever you want. It's not like he can hear you.

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"I just bought an elephant and it was the best purchase ever"

While walking down the street, a man meets a friend he hasn't met for a while. They stop and chat, talking about what's new in their lives. The friend mentions having bought an elephant pretty recently.

"It was the best purchase ever! It grazes on my lawn, keeping it perfectly trimmed. I ...

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You are on a horse galloping at a constant speed. On your right side, is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse, but your horse is unable to overtake it...

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

How do you turn a fox into an elephant

Marry her

Why were the elephants kicked from the pool?

Because they tried to drop their trunks

Call a girl beautiful 1000 times, and she won't think twice...

Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember.

Because elephants never forget

What do you call a really unimportant elephant?

Irrelephant

2 elephants were looking at a naked man

One asked the other "how does this dude drink water?"

A zookeeper spotted a visitor throwing $10 bills into the elephant exhibit...

"Why are you doing that?" asked the keeper.
"The sign says it's okay," replied the visitor.
"No, it doesn't."
"Yes, it does. It says, 'Do not feed. $10 fine.'"

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What should you do if you've been eaten by an elephant?

Run around its belly until you're pooped.

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What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

Answer: 'Ell if I know!


Follow-up #1: What do you call a deer with no eyes?


Answer: No idear.


Follow-up #2: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no nuts?

Answer: No fucking idear.

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Minneapolis police cars are a lot like elephants....

...except elephants have their trunks up front and their assholes are in the back.

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?

Steve. Just because he's irrelephant doesn't mean we don't use his name.

Two elephants and a snake fall off a cliff

Bu dum tsssss

What's the opposite of an elephant ear?

Who cares? It's completely *earelephant*

If you stake up all the elephants in Africa vertically

the elephants wouldn't like it.

A frog walks into a bank

A frog walks into a bank looking to get a loan, and goes up to the teller and sees her little name tag, wich reads "Patricia wack" then the frog says "my name's Kermit jagger, son of mick jagger, and I'm looking for a loan of $30,000"

And the teller says "Wow, that's a lot, do you have anyth...

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A man loses his penis in an industrial accident

Through the wonders of modern medicine, plastic surgeons are able to reconstruct his penis using tissue from an elephant’s trunk. After a full year of recovery and therapy, he’s finally cleared to use his new penis

So he takes his beautiful girlfriend out for a nice meal at a fancy restauran...

Why do elephants drink?

To forget.

An elephant is drinking from a stream

An elephant drinking from a stream spots a tortoise lounging on the shore. He grabs it with his trunk and flings it into the jungle. A passing zebra asks, "Why did you do that?"

"Forty years ago that very tortoise nipped my tail just for fun," the elephant said.

"Wow, forty years ago!...

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A very loooong one

You have 500 bricks. If the co pilot throws one off a plane, how many will you have left? 499

How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? you open the refrigerator door, put the elephant inside, and close the door!

How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? you open the refrig...

STUDENT: Sir, can I ask a question

Teacher: Yes!

Student: How do you put an elephant inside a fridge?

Teacher: I don't know.

Student: it's easy. You just open the fridge and put it in. I have another question!

Teacher: Okay ask!

Student: How to put a donkey inside the fridge??

Teacher: It's e...

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A boy sees an elephants penis at the zoo

He asks “mommy! whats that?"

Mom quickly replies "oh that's nothing" and walks on.

Later while passing the elephant the kid sees the weiner again and says to his dad "what's that daddy?"

Dad replies "oh thats the elephants penis"

kid says "oh, mommy says that's n...

What do you call a congested elephant?

Junk in the trunk.

Why was it messy when the elephant crossed the road?

There were a lot of squished chickens

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4 Jokes in 1 post..

1:
One night after playing a club I met a girl who wanted to talk dirty. She said, "I hate your face"

I replied, "So sit on something else."

2:
You are on a horse galloping at a constant speed. On your right side, is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveli...

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If your uncle Jack helped you off an elephant,

Would you help your Uncle Jack off an elephant?

The same elephant

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.

He got down on ...

I called my mother an elephant when I was a child

She never forgot

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So there is an elephant stuck in some quicksand

He yells for a help and a mouse comes to try and pull him out. The mouse pulls as hard as he can but the elephant won’t budge. The mouse then runs home to grab his corvette and goes back to pull the elephant out. Later that day, the mouse was stuck in some quicksand. He yells for help and the elepha...

A Dumb joke

What did the elephants say when they saw Tarzan coming up the hill ?
\-Nothing, because elephants can't talk .

I read this joke when i was a kid, its funny every time. It goes like: A Kid ran to his mother shouting...

"Mother, Mother.. there is a Dog outside our house and its the size of an Elephant!!"

The Mother replies " Son, i told you 5000,000 times, don't over exaggerate things too much."

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An elephant asked a camel, "Why do you have boobs on your back?"

The camel was stunned for a second and then replied, “That’s a good question, especially coming from a freak who has his penis on his face!"

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