I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today and as we were walking around, he suddenly shouted, “look at the frickin’ elephant, dad!”

I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us...


“What did you just call it?” I asked.


“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the podium!” he said, and so it did, African Elephant.

What's the difference between a BMW and an elephant.

Elephant has a trunk up front and a**hole in the back.

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You are on a horse galloping at a constant speed. On your right side, is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse, but your horse is unable to overtake it...

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

A naked man walked up to an elephant

The elephant goes, “How do you breathe out of that thing”

whats the difference between an Indian and an African elephant?

One's an elephant

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What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

Answer: 'Ell if I know!


Follow-up #1: What do you call a deer with no eyes?


Answer: No idear.


Follow-up #2: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no nuts?

Answer: No fucking idear.

What do you do when you come across an elephant?

You apologize and wipe it off.

How do you get down off an elephant?

You don't. You get down off a goose.

A zookeeper spotted a visitor throwing $10 bills into the elephant exhibit...

"Why are you doing that?" asked the keeper.
"The sign says it's okay," replied the visitor.
"No, it doesn't."
"Yes, it does. It says, 'Do not feed. $10 fine.'"

My friend bought a new house so I bought him an elephant for his room.

He said “Thanks”

I said “Don’t mention it”.

What do you call a really unimportant elephant?

Irrelephant

How do u turn a fox into an elephant?

Marry it.

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Minneapolis police cars are a lot like elephants....

...except elephants have their trunks up front and their assholes are in the back.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a horse?

A shameful abomination

Two elephants and a snake fall off a cliff

Bu dum tsssss

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they're really good at it.

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I have a friend who circumsises elephants.

It doesn't pay much, but the tips are huge!

What's the opposite of an elephant ear?

Who cares? It's completely *earelephant*

Why do elephants drink?

To forget.

If you stake up all the elephants in Africa vertically

the elephants wouldn't like it.

What did the peanut say to the elephant?

Nothing. Peanuts cant speak.

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An elephant asked a camel, "Why do you have boobs on your back?"

The camel was stunned for a second and then replied, “That’s a good question, especially coming from a freak who has his penis on his face!"

What do you call a congested elephant?

Junk in the trunk.

I called my mother an elephant when I was a child

She never forgot

The devotee and the mad elephant

There once was a wise Guru who lived in a temple. He had several devotees who studied under him. Every day, he would teach them things about God and world.

"Guru, where is God?" asked a devotee one day.

"Everywhere, my son," said Guru.

"Everywhere?"

"Yes, everywhere. In e...

Why was it messy when the elephant crossed the road?

There were a lot of squished chickens

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If your uncle Jack helped you off an elephant,

Would you help your Uncle Jack off an elephant?

Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times and she won’t believe you.

Tell a woman she’s fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.

Lifeguard kicked some elephants out of the pool

Apparently they kept dropping their trunks.

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Elephant junk

A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus. When his father left to buy popcorn, the boy asked, "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?" "That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied. "No, Mom, down underneath." His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing." The fat...

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Damn Elephant

This man goes to the doctor and says "ive got a huge hole in my ass" the doctor says "drop your pants, bend over and let me have a look". "fuck me!!" says the doctor "what could have made a hole as big as that?" patient replies, "i just got fucked by an elephant". the doctor says "an elephants penis...

I'm getting a tattoo of an elephant on my ear...

The only reason I'm doing this is so when people ask me "Why do you have a tattoo of an elephant on your ear?" I can say "Don't worry about it. It's ear elephant."

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How do you tell if there's been an elephant in your fridge?

There's footprints in the butter.

A pregnant elephant goes to the doctor

Right away the doctor says "I want to talk about the elephant in the womb"

Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

A: You walk him and pitch to the rhino.

How do you fit 1,000,000 elephants in a Safeway?

You take the S from Safe and the F from Way

I've got the memory of an elephant, i remember this one time

I went to the zoo and saw an elephant..

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So there is an elephant stuck in some quicksand

He yells for a help and a mouse comes to try and pull him out. The mouse pulls as hard as he can but the elephant won’t budge. The mouse then runs home to grab his corvette and goes back to pull the elephant out. Later that day, the mouse was stuck in some quicksand. He yells for help and the elepha...

What do you call an elephant dancing in a china shop?

Break dancing

What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?

Swim

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?

Steve. Just because he's irrelephant doesn't mean we don't use his name.

How much does a Chinese elephant weigh?

Won-ton

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How do you hide an elephant in an apple tree?

Paint his balls red


How did Tarzan die?


Picking apples

How can you tell if your refrigerator has two elephants inside of it?

The door won't close.

An elephant walks into a bar...

And is surprised to find a bartender not serving any drinks to anyone at the bar. Being a smart guy, the elephant went out and came back with a few of his fellow mates, and got a beer from the bartender. The other customers were surprised and asked how he did it.
The elephant replied: You need to...

My kids are running around blowing a party noisemaker. My wife's sister says " it sounds like an elephant in there"

I look up, straight-faced, and calmly reply, "yeah, we don't talk about that.."

My wife buried her face for a good minute.. I'm proud of that one.



\*\*Originally posted r/DadJokes last night but I thought a wider audience might appreciate this as well. \*\*

Let us revive and old one.

There are 500 bricks on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

499.

How do you put an elephant into a fridge?

Open the door, put the elephant in, close the door.

How do you put a giraffe in a fridge?

Open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, clo...

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

An affront to God and man.

How does an elephant hide in a strawberry patch?

He paints his toenails red (duh). Have you ever seen an elephant in a strawberry patch?!?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elephant in the forest once asked a rabbit...

'do you care about hygiene?' The rabbit said no. The elephant picked him up with his trunk and used him to wipe his ass.

The next day the elephant saw a squirrel. He asked the same question and the squirrel said no. He picked him up with his trunk and wanted to wipe his mouth but the squirre...

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Elephant says to Camel "Lmao you got 2 Boobs on your back"

"With a face like yours, I'd shut the fuck up" goes Camel.

My mother in law began to address the elephant in the room

I asked her why she was talking to herself.

One day I shot an elephant in my pajamas

I'm still trying to figure out how it got in my pajamas

I have the memory of an elephant

It was big and grey :|

What do we learn from cows, buffaloes and elephants?

It’s impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads and walking

Ant and elephant decide to got to vacation but the elephant has no visa.

Ant comes up with a simple solution - he takes two pieces of bread and ties one of them to the back of the elephant and other to the belly.
Once they get to the border, ant presents his visa and all other documents.
When the guard asks about the papers of the elephant, ant says: "It's none of ...

Me: How do you get an elephant into a SafeWay bag?

Friend: I don't know how do you.

Me: You take the S out of safe and the f out of way.

Friend: Wait, there's no f in way.

Me: Exactly

Billie Eilish is officially 18 now, do you know what that means?

She's old enough to order 12 fascinating issues of Zoobooks for $19.95 if she calls 1-800-441-2400. When she calls, they'll include the bonus Elephants issue, stickers, and Tiger Poster with her order.

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An elephant and a bunny are sitting in the forest, taking a dump

"Say bunny", asks the elephant. "Dosen't it bother you when shit gets on your fur?".
"No, not at all" the bunny answers.
So the elephant grabs the bunny and wipes his ass with it.

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What else could he say??

A young couple decided to take their 5 year old son to see the circus. After several amazing acts, the ringmaster led six bull elephants into the center ring, linked trunk to tail in the usual manner.

"What's that big thing hanging off the elephant, Mommy?" Little Johnny asked.

"That...

A family is at the zoo with their young son

They’re walking into the elephant exhibit and the dad steps away to go get some popcorn. As the son is looking at the elephants, he turns to his mother and asks

“Mom, what’s that hanging down between the elephants legs?”

“Oh that’s his trunk sweetie, it’s kind of like their nose”
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My buddy just got a job down at the zoo circumsizing elephants...

He told me the job sucks but the tips are huge

A frog goes into a bank

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mic...

What do you get when you put an angry elephant in a camp ground?

A trample tentrum.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How can you tell that you've passed an elephant?

Because your arse is bleeding

What do you call an elephant in the North Pole?

Lost

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy sees an elephants penis at the zoo

He asks “mommy! whats that?"

Mom quickly replies "oh that's nothing" and walks on.

Later while passing the elephant the kid sees the weiner again and says to his dad "what's that daddy?"

Dad replies "oh thats the elephants penis"

kid says "oh, mommy says that's n...

How do elephants communicate over long distances?

By elephone.

Q: What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant?

A: Swimming trunks.

What do you get if you mix an elephant and a rhinoceros?

Elephino.

I asked a person giving elephant circumcisions if they liked their job...

They said, "The pay isn't great, but the tips are big."

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

A hearing with the ethics committee and a revoked veterinary license. “Elephino...” you disgust me.

What do you call the offspring of a elephant and a rhino?

Elephino

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.

What do you give to an elephant with diarrhea?

Plenty of room.

What's grey and comes in pints?

An elephant.

A man comes across a sleeping elephant in the jungle...

Apologises and wipes it off.

Did you hear about the guy who made giraffe and elephant jam?

He called it Wildlife Preserve.

This is one of my dad's favorite jokes

There are three elephants in a bathtub.

Clyde says to Claude "Pass the soap."

Claude says "No soap radio."









\*I'm curious if anyone knows the joke

What's grey and comes in pints?

Elephants

(Credit: "Afterlife" by Ricky Gervais)

A list of jokes [Long]

1. There are a hundred bricks on an airplane. One falls out. How many are left?

Answer: 99.

2. How many steps does it take to put a giraffe in your refrigerator?

Answer: Three--open the door, put the giraffe in, close the door.

3. How many steps does it take to put an e...

What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?

Time to get a new fence.

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