I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said, "Thanks".

I said, "Don't mention it."

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An elephant is standing on a street corner with an erection.

His thing is HUGE, hangs all the way to the ground.

At that moment a mother is taking her son to school and the son looks at the elephant and says "Mommy what is that?"

Mom: "Oh that's the trunk honey"
Kid: "No mom, further back between the legs"
Mom: "Oh that? That's n...

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

How do you breath through that tiny thing?

Elephant Never Forgets

An elephant and a crocodile were swimming in the Amazon, when the elephant spots a turtle sunning himself on a rock.

The elephant walks over to the turtle, picks him up in his trunk and hurls him far into the jungle.

"What did you do that for?" asks the crocodile.

The elephan...

What does elephant and rabbit have in common?

They both start with letter R if elephants name is Raul

I'm thinking of hiring an elephant.

I hear they work for peanuts.

What did the elephant say the first time he saw a naked man?

How are you supposed to feed yourself with that??

What should you do when you come across an elephant?

Apologize and wipe it off.

I once shot an elephant in my pajamas

How he got there I’ll never know

What do a fire truck and an elephant have in common?

They’re both red, except for the elephant.

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The Elephant and the Mouse

An elephant and a mouse are walking through the woods. The elephant falls into a deep hole. The mouse says “stay calm, I’m gonna go get my big lifted truck and pull you out”. So the mouse gets his truck and pulls the elephant out.
The next day, the elephant and the mouse are walking and this tim...

How to catch an elephant

Elephants live in the jungle, so first, you have to go into the jungle.

Your going to have to dig a hole big enough to trap the elephant in.

Next you have to gets lots of leaves, sticks or anything that you can burn and place it into the hole, then burn it to ash.

You have to f...

What do you think they would call a mix between an elephant and a rhino?

‘Ell if I know?

An elephant falls off a cliff and lands on a snake

Badum Hsssss

Why can't elephants use computers?

Because they are scared of the mouse

What's the difference between an Indian and an African elephant?

One's an elephant!

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How do you know if two elephants were having sex in your backyard?

Your fence is knocked down and one of your Hefty trash bags is missing.

Did you hear the zoo is hiring someone to perform elephant circumcisions?

The pay's not great, but the tips are pretty big.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?

Big holes all over Australia.

What did Horton The Elephant hear?

Horton hears a tinnitus induced ringing

I got a job at the zoo circumcising elephants

It doesnt pay much, but the tips are big.

What do you get when you mix a rat and an elephant?

Who cares? It’s a relephant.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they’re so good at it.

What's the difference between a BMW and an elephant.

Elephant has a trunk up front and a**hole in the back.

An Elephant and an Ant spend the night making love.... [From Hill Street Blues S01 E12]

The next morning the ant wakes up to discover the Elephant has died. "Dammit says the ant, "One night of passion and i spend the rest of my life digging a grave."

What do you call a deaf elephant?

Whatever you want. It's not like he can hear you.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a giraffe?

A visit from the ethics board an a rescind of your grant.

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You are on a horse galloping at a constant speed. On your right side, is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse, but your horse is unable to overtake it...

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

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"I just bought an elephant and it was the best purchase ever"

While walking down the street, a man meets a friend he hasn't met for a while. They stop and chat, talking about what's new in their lives. The friend mentions having bought an elephant pretty recently.

"It was the best purchase ever! It grazes on my lawn, keeping it perfectly trimmed. I ...

How do you fit an elephant in the subway?

You take the 'S' out of Sub and the 'F' out of Way

How do you turn a fox into an elephant

Marry her

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Circus Elephant

A man was wandering around a circus and stopped to watch a guy hosing down an Elephant. The man asked him how he liked looking after such a large beast. "Well" said the man,"It's a very dirty and time consuming job.I'm awake at 5am to prepare his breakfast, then shovel out the shit that has been pro...

Why were the elephants kicked from the pool?

Because they tried to drop their trunks

2 elephants were looking at a naked man

One asked the other "how does this dude drink water?"

Call a girl beautiful 1000 times, and she won't think twice...

Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember.

Because elephants never forget

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An elephant walks into a bar

everyone: what the fuck

What do you call a really unimportant elephant?

Irrelephant

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What should you do if you've been eaten by an elephant?

Run around its belly until you're pooped.

A zookeeper spotted a visitor throwing $10 bills into the elephant exhibit...

"Why are you doing that?" asked the keeper.
"The sign says it's okay," replied the visitor.
"No, it doesn't."
"Yes, it does. It says, 'Do not feed. $10 fine.'"

Two elephants and a snake fall off a cliff

Bu dum tsssss

Do you know why Hindu worship Lord Ganesha first

Because we have to first address the elephant in the room

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What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

Answer: 'Ell if I know!


Follow-up #1: What do you call a deer with no eyes?


Answer: No idear.


Follow-up #2: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no nuts?

Answer: No fucking idear.

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Minneapolis police cars are a lot like elephants....

...except elephants have their trunks up front and their assholes are in the back.

What's the opposite of an elephant ear?

Who cares? It's completely *earelephant*

If you stake up all the elephants in Africa vertically

the elephants wouldn't like it.

Why do elephants drink?

To forget.

What do you call a congested elephant?

Junk in the trunk.

Why was it messy when the elephant crossed the road?

There were a lot of squished chickens

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An elephant asked a camel, "Why do you have boobs on your back?"

The camel was stunned for a second and then replied, “That’s a good question, especially coming from a freak who has his penis on his face!"

I called my mother an elephant when I was a child

She never forgot

The devotee and the mad elephant

There once was a wise Guru who lived in a temple. He had several devotees who studied under him. Every day, he would teach them things about God and world.

"Guru, where is God?" asked a devotee one day.

"Everywhere, my son," said Guru.

"Everywhere?"

"Yes, everywhere. In e...

An elephant is drinking from a stream

An elephant drinking from a stream spots a tortoise lounging on the shore. He grabs it with his trunk and flings it into the jungle. A passing zebra asks, "Why did you do that?"

"Forty years ago that very tortoise nipped my tail just for fun," the elephant said.

"Wow, forty years ago!...

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If your uncle Jack helped you off an elephant,

Would you help your Uncle Jack off an elephant?

Elephants

Have you ever seen those elephants that hide in trees?

No? That’s because they’re really good at it

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?

Steve. Just because he's irrelephant doesn't mean we don't use his name.

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Elephant junk

A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus. When his father left to buy popcorn, the boy asked, "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?" "That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied. "No, Mom, down underneath." His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing." The fat...

How do you fit 1,000,000 elephants in a Safeway?

You take the S from Safe and the F from Way

A dad's dad joke

What do you call an elephant and a rhino mixed together?

Elephino.

I'm getting a tattoo of an elephant on my ear...

The only reason I'm doing this is so when people ask me "Why do you have a tattoo of an elephant on your ear?" I can say "Don't worry about it. It's ear elephant."

I've got the memory of an elephant, i remember this one time

I went to the zoo and saw an elephant..

Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

A: You walk him and pitch to the rhino.

A pregnant elephant goes to the doctor

Right away the doctor says "I want to talk about the elephant in the womb"

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Damn Elephant

This man goes to the doctor and says "ive got a huge hole in my ass" the doctor says "drop your pants, bend over and let me have a look". "fuck me!!" says the doctor "what could have made a hole as big as that?" patient replies, "i just got fucked by an elephant". the doctor says "an elephants penis...

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So there is an elephant stuck in some quicksand

He yells for a help and a mouse comes to try and pull him out. The mouse pulls as hard as he can but the elephant won’t budge. The mouse then runs home to grab his corvette and goes back to pull the elephant out. Later that day, the mouse was stuck in some quicksand. He yells for help and the elepha...

Two elephants meet a totally naked guy.

After a while one elephant says to the other: “I really don’t get how he can feed himself with that thing!”

What’s grey and comes in pints?

An elephant

A frog walks into a bank to get a loan.

He approaches the teller, whose name plate says Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $50,000 loan to take a vacation."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

"Kermit Jagger. My father is Mick Jagger. It will be fine to authorize the loan, I know your m...

My girlfriend has been gaining weight so I sat her down in the living room to talk to her.

I said "We need to talk about the elephant in the room"

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How do you hide an elephant in an apple tree?

Paint his balls red


How did Tarzan die?


Picking apples

A joke originally told in Arabic

The doctor asks him what is that dreaming problem.

"Every night I go to sleep," the man says. "I dream of a soccer match between a team of elephants and a team of ants"

"Ok, take this medicine," the doctor says. "It will fix the problem."

The man refuses though and says:
...

What do you call an elephant dancing in a china shop?

Break dancing

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A boy sees an elephants penis at the zoo

He asks “mommy! whats that?"

Mom quickly replies "oh that's nothing" and walks on.

Later while passing the elephant the kid sees the weiner again and says to his dad "what's that daddy?"

Dad replies "oh thats the elephants penis"

kid says "oh, mommy says that's n...

The Ivory Throne of the King of Timbuktu

Hundreds of years ago, when glorious Timbuktu was nothing more than a large collection of grass huts, the King of that great city declared his wish for a throne fit for such a mighty ruler. Of ivory it was to be, exquisitely carved, inlaid with gold leaf, decorated with diamonds and emeralds and sap...

Me: How do you get an elephant into a SafeWay bag?

Friend: I don't know how do you.

Me: You take the S out of safe and the f out of way.

Friend: Wait, there's no f in way.

Me: Exactly

How much does a Chinese elephant weigh?

Won-ton

How does an elephant hide in a strawberry patch?

He paints his toenails red (duh). Have you ever seen an elephant in a strawberry patch?!?

One day I shot an elephant in my pajamas

I'm still trying to figure out how it got in my pajamas

My kids are running around blowing a party noisemaker. My wife's sister says " it sounds like an elephant in there"

I look up, straight-faced, and calmly reply, "yeah, we don't talk about that.."

My wife buried her face for a good minute.. I'm proud of that one.



\*\*Originally posted r/DadJokes last night but I thought a wider audience might appreciate this as well. \*\*

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