A billionaire buys an elephant

Two billionaire friends meet. After a casual conversation, one of them finally asks: So, how's your home life?

The other answers: Couldn't be better! I bought an elephant!

The other guy looks at him astonished: An elephant? Have you gone mad?

The guy replies, smiling: Oh, man, ...

An elephant escaped from a zoo and no trace had been found....

Until a woman who had never seen an elephant before, called the police.

There's a weird animal in my garden. It's pulling up the cabbages with its tail. And what is worse, I cannot describe what it is doing with them.

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Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they’re really good at it.


Why do elephants paint their balls red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.


What is the loudest sound in the jungle?

Giraffes eating cherries.

When I was younger one of my favorite jokes to tell was about a 4,000 lb. elephant. I tried to convert it to metric to share with the rest of the world.

But, it never got a laugh. Just these looks of mass confusion.

What do you get when you mix an elephant and a hooker?

A two ton pickup

I used to have a job circumcising elephants…

The pay was bad, but the tips were big.

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A family is at the zoo and they get to the elephants when the daughter notices something that seemed odd to her

She asks her mom "Mom what's that thing hanging down from the elephant?" She answers, "That's his trunk." "No, in the back," the daughter says. "That's his tail." "No, underneath!" The mother blushes and says, "Oh that's...nothing."

The daughter is confused, so she asks her dad. "Dad, what's ...

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How do you kill a blue Elephant?

With a blue elephant gun obviously.

*How do you kill a red elephant?*

You choke it til it turns blue then use a blue elephant gun.

*How do you kill a green elephant?*

You tickle it til it turns red then choke it til it turns blue then use a blue elephant gun.

*How ...

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What do you get when you cross an elephant with a poodle?

You get a dead poodle with an 18 inch arsehole

How do you stop an elephant from charging?

Unplug it.

What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?

An irrelephant

How would an elephant smell without a trunk?

Trunk or no trunk, he would still smell terrible.

An elephant saw a man urinating in the woods

The elephant asks to the man “ how are you able to drink if the trunk is that far down”

Some people say elephants love alcohol because they love the taste…

but I think it’s because they drink to forget.

How can you find an elephant in the dark?

You can smell the peanuts on his breath

How do you persuade elephants to go swimming?

Remind them that they already have their trunks on.

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What do elephants use as tampons?

Sheep.

Why do elephants have trunks?

Sheep don't have strings.

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What do you call an animal that's part Frog, part Duck, part Elephant and part Rhino?

Fuckephino

Me: “Why did the elephant paint his toenails red?”

Them: “Why?”

Me: “To hide in the strawberry patch”

Them: “……..”

Me: “have you ever seen an elephant in a strawberry patch?”

Them: “no?”

Me: “then I guess it works”

Cue applause.

A touching tale of a man and an elephant...

A man was on holiday in Kenya. While he was walking through the bush, he came across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply ...

Elephant in a fridge (what style of humour is this joke?)

How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

(This is a 6 in 1 joke)
Person 1: You have 500 bricks. If you throw one off a plane, how many will you have left?
Person 2: 499.
Person 1: Correct!

Person 1: How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Person 2: That’s not...

Elephant Joke

It seems that there was this lady who had never seen an Elephant before (preposterous you say?)

She didn't even know what one looked like!

Well, as luck would have it, after leaving the farm and moving to the city, she woke up one morning, and lo and behold, there was an elephant in he...

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A 6 year old boy visits the zoo with his parents…

…where they stop to see the elephant. While the father’s in the restroom, the son notices one elephant has a rather large erection. Curious, he gets his mom’s attention.

“Mommy, what’s that hanging from the elephant?” “Oh, that’s its trunk honey.” “No, further back!” “Ah, you mean its tail!” ...

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A man scores a hot date Not wanting to disappoint his date in the bedroom, he goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged.

The doctor says, "we happen to have a new experimental procedure that uses muscle cells from an elephant trunk that should do the trick." To which the man accepts.

Later on, the man and his date are having dinner. The man is in love with her, but is experiencing an increasingly uncomfortable ...

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A man goes into his doctors after being assaulted by an elephant in the jungle.

As the man explains what happened in the jungle the doctor is confused.
"Well, I can't see any injuries on you, so what happened?"

The man responds
"Well you see Doc, the elephant knocked me down and.... Had his way with me.. I know it's bad but can you have a look for me?"

The d...

What happened to Batman and Robin when a herd of elephants trampled over them ?

They became Flatman and Ribbon...

What's the difference between a tavern and an elephant fart?

One is a bar room, and the other is a "BAAAH-ROOOM!"

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.

Courtesy of the Christmas cracker I just pulled: What do you get if you cross a fish and two elephants?

Swimming Trunks

Call a girl beautiful 1,000 times and she won't think twice.

Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember.

Because elephants never forget

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees

Because they are so good at it

When an elephant is sitting on your fence, what time is it?

Time to get a new fence.

How many elephants does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Well, technically just two. It would have to be a pretty huge lightbulb to fit them though.

Why don't elephants ride tricycles?

They don't have a thumb to ring the little bell.

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For my first cake day I want to share a joke my dad told me when I was probably too young to really understand it. How does an elephant hide in the jungle?

Climbs to the top of a cherry tree and paints his balls red.

What’s the loudest sound in the jungle?

Giraffes eating cherries!

(Apologies if you’ve heard it before fellow Redditors! Maybe by next cake day I’ll get better material)

I used to make a living by circumcising elephants

The pays were lousy but the tips were huge!

Helping an Elephant

An American exchange student goes to Africa. While there, he spends a lot of time hiking around in the jungle. One day, he hears a commotion. He goes towards the sounds. Peering through some bushes, he spots an elephant.

The elephant seems to be in some distress. The student steps through...

A medieval king was hunting in Africa. He killed a lion, an elephant, and a hippopotamus, and awarded the skins to his three squires back home in his kingdom. Thus, the three squires became known as the Lion Squire, the Elephant Squire, and the Hippo Squire.

As the years passed, the Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire became very jealous of the Hippo Squire because they wanted the hippo skin too. So, they hatched a plan to assassinate the Hippo Squire and divide the hippo skin between them equally.

Now the Lion Squire had eight sons, and the Elep...

My friend once had a job circumcising elephants

Well according to him the pay was lousy but at least the tips were huge!

What should you do if an elephant comes in your window?

Learn to swim.

I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said, "Thank you."

I said, "Don't mention it."

How do you fit an Elephant in a refrigerator ?

Open the door, shove in the Elephant, close the door.


*How do you fit a Giraffe in a refrigerator?*

Open the door, take out the Elephant, shove in the Giraffe, close the door.


*A plane has 20 bricks on the right hand side and 21 bricks on the left side. How do you balanc...

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Why do elephants make love in water?

Well, how else do you keep a two tonne fanny wet for two hours?

What do you call an elephant mixed with a rhinoceros?

Eliphino

How Do You Catch a Pink Elephant?

This is super old. But another Joke here reminded me, so...

How Do You Catch a Pink Elephant?

First, you bake a cake with 3 raisins. Pink Elephants LOVE raisins. Then, you travel through Purple Elephant country. Purple Elephants are really easy to catch. Once you are in Pink Elephant c...

I have the memory of an elephant.

I saw an elephant.

Elephant never forgets

This man, Rajesh Patel wnet to Africa on a safari. While there, he comes upon an elephant, in great pain, with a giant thorn in its foot. Rajesh very carefully approaches the elephant, and gingerly removes the thorn from its foot. The elephant begins to walk away, then turns and stares at Rajesh for...

Did you hear the one about the elephant with diarrhea?

No? Funny, it’s all over town.

My balloon elephant wouldn't fit in my backseat

So I had to pop the trunk

an elephant looked through the tall grass when he saw a nudist tribe

it gasped and said said “how do you breathe through those?”

A pink elephant walks into a bar

The barman looks at him and says

“You’re too early mate, he’s not in yet”

What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

Walk him and pitch to the rhino.

What did the elephant say to the guy?

That’s cute but can you breathe through it...

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What do you get when you breed an elephant and a duck?

A dead duck with gaping asshole

Why do elephants wear blue tennis shoes?

(So they land softer when they're sky diving?) No, because white ones scuff up too easily.

\---

Why shouldn't you go out in the savannah between 4pm and 6pm?
\--That's when the elephants go sky-diving

\---

Why do elephants live in herds?
\---To get the group dis...

Anything not related to elephants

is irrelephant.

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A frog hops into a bank and goes up to a teller.

He notices the tellers name is Patricia Whack. So he decides to ask her
"HI Ms. Whack. My name is Kermit and i would like a $50,000 loan for a vacation".

The teller is taken aback and asks "who are you and why would we give you a loan?"

The frog says "Dont worry my father is Mick Ja...

Deep in the arctic, a fortress sits. This is Legion Prison, where all Supervillains are jailed.

And the Warden is having a very difficult time. In the beginning, it wasn’t so hard. A handful of villains can’t get up to too much trouble without their tools and weapon.

But as the prison filled up, things began to get more difficult.

MechaSlayer kept trying to fight Robo-Con.
...

A man walked onto a bus with an elephant.

He stuffs a piece of bread into each ear of the elephant.

"What the hell is that???" Yelled the shocked driver.

The man replies, annoyed "None of your business what I put in my sandwich."

How do you fit an elephant into a Safeway bag?

You take the “s” out of “safe” and the “f” out of “way”

How do you tell an African from an Indian elephant?

The ears.
Lift them up and whisper “Where you from?”.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?

Elephino. It just isn't rhelephant.

(This joke works best when said out loud.)

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The animals hear that the world is going to end

So, the Lion, as their king, calls an official meeting of all animals.

“We have only 10 days until everything as we know it is destroyed. Nothing matters anymore. Let’s just all have sex with each other and go out with a bang.”

The antelope flicks and ear to ask a question: “What about...

What do you do when you come across an elephant in the jungle?

Wipe it off and say you’re sorry!

(Works best verbally)

A naked Tarzan sees an elephant drinking from the pond.

The elephant after seeing him approach says, "How much water can you drink from that tiny thing son?"

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Guy goes to the doctor because his ass is sore

He tells the doctor he got fucked by an elephant. The doctor says, "That's odd, I've heard that an elephant's dick is actually very thin"

The man says, "That's true. The problem is he fingered me first"

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Tarzan

After a horrific accident, Tarzan had to go through miracle jungle surgery. His eyes were replaced with an eagles…. His legs were replaced with a cheetahs…. And his penis was replaced with an elephant trunk.

Tarzan was amazed! He could see farther with his eagle eyes, run faster with his chee...

What do you call an elephant that flies ?

A Jumbo Jet...

What's the difference between a riddle and an elephant sitting on a bun?

One is conundrum and the other is a bununderhim.

An elephant and an ant got into an argument.

The elephant lost his temper decided he was going to squash the ant.

The ant exclaimed, "ONLY IF YOU CAN CATCH ME!!!!" and ran off.

Elephants is chasing the ant, and as ant rounds a corner, he sees a rabbit.

"Yo, rabbit! Can I hide out in your fur? This elephant wants to kill m...

Did you know that humans, like elephants have evolved a very specific call to warn others about bees they have encountered?

Want to hear what it sounds like?

-


-



-


“BEES!”

What do you get when you mate and Elephant with a Rhino?

You get thrown out of the Safari Park

What's the difference between a suitcase and an elephant?

You can pack a suitcase, but you can't pachyderm

A Hindu man an a Christian man were walking down the street.

As they were walking down the street, the circus drives by. There's the tent, there's a little car filled with clowns, and there's the trailers filled with animals.

As the animals are going by, the Christian man looks over and sees the elephants. He says to the Hindu man, "hey that elephant l...

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A boy sees an elephants penis at the zoo

He asks “mommy! whats that?"

Mom quickly replies "oh that's nothing" and walks on.

Later while passing the elephant the kid sees the weiner again and says to his dad "what's that daddy?"

Dad replies "oh thats the elephants penis"

kid says "oh, mommy says that's n...

Why do elephants have long noses?

So they can scratch their bag

I like elephants.

Everything else is irrelephant.

three brainteasers to sharpen your mind

**Q1 : how do you put an elephant in a refrigerator in three steps ?**

Answer :

1. you open the refrigerator
2. you put the elephant in
3. you close the refrigerator

**Q2 : how do you put a giraffe in a refrigerator in four steps ?** ...

There a 502 bricks in a plane, one falls out, how many bricks are left?

501

Hoe do you put an elephant in a fridge?

Open the door, put the elephant in, shut the door

How do put a giraffe in a fridge?

Open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, close the door

The lion king invites all the animals to a party, but ones missi...

I’ve got the memory of an elephant...

I remember one time I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.

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NSFW An elephant has a splinter stuck in her foot, and it's driving her crazy.

NSFW

She can't move much and is in a miserable state. Along comes a mouse.

"Please, Mr. Mouse, take this splinter out of my foot so I'm not in so much pain" says the elephant.

The mouse rubs his chin, "on one condition"

"Anything" says the elephant

"I want to have...

An elephant escapes from the circus

It wanders around and eventually ends uo in an old lady's garden eating the vegetables. The old lady came out and had never seen an elephant before nor did she know what it was. Panicked she ran inside and called the police

"Hello, what is your emergency" said the operator

"There is so...

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A man has an elephant...

A man has an elephant that is getting too expensive to feed, so he puts an ad in the paper for a 50/50 contest. 20 dollars to enter, and if you can make the elephant jump, you win half the pot. Many people try but nobody can do it. One day, a slick guy in a Cadillac shows up puts money in the jar...

There is an elephant and a giraffe in the bathroom

The giraffe says "pass the soap, please"

And the elephant says "no soap, radio!"

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Purina Dog Food diet

Yesterday, I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Chew-Barka, the wonder dog, at Wal-Mart and was about to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? Since I'm retired, with little to do, I told her that No, I didn't have a dog, and that...

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Dirty ernie pt. 1

The teacher knows that dirty ernie has a habit of swearing, so she's apprehensive about her lesson bit decides to proceed anyway. She asks the class to give her a word that starts with each letter of the alphabet.

She says, "ok, the first letter is A"

Immediately ernie raises his hand...

Dad joke alert

Why do elephants paint there toes red?



So they can hide in cherry trees. Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? See it works!



Bonus one: what's the difference between a hooker and a dealer?



One can wash there crack and resell it

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You are on a horse galloping at a constant speed. On your right side, is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse, but your horse is unable to overtake it...

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?

Steve. Just because he's irrelephant doesn't mean we don't use his name.

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A rat an an elephant are walking around when the rat falls into a hole.

The rat panics as the hole was deep and he couldnt get out. The elephant looks at the situation and offers help.

“I know this isnt’t ideal but youre gonna have to trust me”

The rat desperate and exhausting all other options he asks for the elephants idea

“Im gonna stick my pen...

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A man is interrogated by a cop after witnessing a robbery

When the cop asks him what happened he says:

*"A truck stopped right in front of the jewellery store, the back of the truck opens and comes out a big elephant. The elephant walked right through the windows of the store and proceeded to steal everything it could. It then walked back in the tru...

An Elephant, a Giraffe and a Penguin walk in to a bar

It's at this point I realise that there is something wrong with my pint.

What do you call an elephant small enough to fit in your ear?

It's earelephant.

A man is talking to his doctor about a recurring dream he keeps having.

"I keep dreaming about a soccer match between elephants and mice" the patient said

"No worries" says the doctor and gives the patient some medicine, "take this just before bed and you'll have a dreamless sleep"

"Ok, thank you doctor" responded the man "but can I start it tomorrow? Th...

Did you hear about the elephant with two trunks?

He was carrying his luggage.

What is an Elephant’s favorite holiday?

9/11 because they never forget!

Elephant jokes, because it's what 2021 needs

Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out forest fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks.

Bonus #1: How can you tell an elephant has been in your refrigerator? Footprints in the cheesecake.

Bonus #2: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? Time...

What recipe uses chicken and elephant parts?

Chicken Dumbo

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