How do you tell the difference between an Indian and African elephant?

One of them is an elephant.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees

Because they're so good at it.

I'm getting a tattoo of an elephant on my ear...

The only reason I'm doing this is so when people ask me "Why do you have a tattoo of an elephant on your ear?" I can say "Don't worry about it. It's ear elephant."

What do you call an elephant dancing in a china shop?

Break dancing

Two elephants come across a naked guy

And one of them says, “how does he eat with that thing?”

A pregnant elephant goes to the doctor

Right away the doctor says "I want to talk about the elephant in the womb"

My friend used to circumcise elephants as a job

He quit, but the tips were huge

I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said,"Thanks."

I said,"Don't mention it."

Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

A: You walk him and pitch to the rhino.

How much does a Chinese elephant weigh?

Won-ton

What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?

Swim

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So there is an elephant stuck in some quicksand

He yells for a help and a mouse comes to try and pull him out. The mouse pulls as hard as he can but the elephant won’t budge. The mouse then runs home to grab his corvette and goes back to pull the elephant out. Later that day, the mouse was stuck in some quicksand. He yells for help and the elepha...

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

How do you breathe with that thing?

How can you tell if your refrigerator has two elephants inside of it?

The door won't close.

An elephant walks into a bar...

And is surprised to find a bartender not serving any drinks to anyone at the bar. Being a smart guy, the elephant went out and came back with a few of his fellow mates, and got a beer from the bartender. The other customers were surprised and asked how he did it.
The elephant replied: You need to...

I have the memory of an elephant

It was big and grey :|

How do you fit 1,000,000 elephants in a Safeway?

You take the S from Safe and the F from Way

My kids are running around blowing a party noisemaker. My wife's sister says " it sounds like an elephant in there"

I look up, straight-faced, and calmly reply, "yeah, we don't talk about that.."

My wife buried her face for a good minute.. I'm proud of that one.



\*\*Originally posted r/DadJokes last night but I thought a wider audience might appreciate this as well. \*\*

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How do you hide an elephant in an apple tree?

Paint his balls red


How did Tarzan die?


Picking apples

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An elephant in the forest once asked a rabbit...

'do you care about hygiene?' The rabbit said no. The elephant picked him up with his trunk and used him to wipe his ass.

The next day the elephant saw a squirrel. He asked the same question and the squirrel said no. He picked him up with his trunk and wanted to wipe his mouth but the squirre...

Elephant school paper

A boy was given a homework assignment over the weekend to write a paper about an animal of their choice. The boys parents decided to take him to the zoo, so that he could write his paper, and he decided to do the paper on elephants.

So they are sitting there watching the elephants, and t...

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Elephant says to Camel "Lmao you got 2 Boobs on your back"

"With a face like yours, I'd shut the fuck up" goes Camel.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

An affront to God and man.

How does an elephant hide in a strawberry patch?

He paints his toenails red (duh). Have you ever seen an elephant in a strawberry patch?!?

Ant and elephant decide to got to vacation but the elephant has no visa.

Ant comes up with a simple solution - he takes two pieces of bread and ties one of them to the back of the elephant and other to the belly.
Once they get to the border, ant presents his visa and all other documents.
When the guard asks about the papers of the elephant, ant says: "It's none of ...

My mother in law began to address the elephant in the room

I asked her why she was talking to herself.

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?

Steve. Just because he's irrelephant doesn't mean we don't use his name.

Elephants are damn smart animals!

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspe...

What do we learn from cows, buffaloes and elephants?

It’s impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads and walking

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My buddy just got a job down at the zoo circumsizing elephants...

He told me the job sucks but the tips are huge

One day I shot an elephant in my pajamas

I'm still trying to figure out how it got in my pajamas

Billie Eilish is officially 18 now, do you know what that means?

She's old enough to order 12 fascinating issues of Zoobooks for $19.95 if she calls 1-800-441-2400. When she calls, they'll include the bonus Elephants issue, stickers, and Tiger Poster with her order.

What should you do if you come across an elephant?

Apologize and wipe it off.

Why is it a bad idea to work for Elephants?

They pay peanuts.

What do you get when you put an angry elephant in a camp ground?

A trample tentrum.

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What else could he say??

A young couple decided to take their 5 year old son to see the circus. After several amazing acts, the ringmaster led six bull elephants into the center ring, linked trunk to tail in the usual manner.

"What's that big thing hanging off the elephant, Mommy?" Little Johnny asked.

"That...

Q: What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant?

A: Swimming trunks.

What do you call an elephant in the North Pole?

Lost

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An elephant and a bunny are sitting in the forest, taking a dump

"Say bunny", asks the elephant. "Dosen't it bother you when shit gets on your fur?".
"No, not at all" the bunny answers.
So the elephant grabs the bunny and wipes his ass with it.

What do you get if you mix an elephant and a rhinoceros?

Elephino.

Why did the lifeguard throw the elephants out of the swimming pool?

They wouldn't keep their trunks up.

A man comes across a sleeping elephant in the jungle...

Apologises and wipes it off.

How do elephants communicate over long distances?

By elephone.

Me: How do you get an elephant into a SafeWay bag?

Friend: I don't know how do you.

Me: You take the S out of safe and the f out of way.

Friend: Wait, there's no f in way.

Me: Exactly

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You are on a horse galloping at a constant speed. On your right side, is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse, but your horse is unable to overtake it...

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

A hearing with the ethics committee and a revoked veterinary license. “Elephino...” you disgust me.

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.

I asked a person giving elephant circumcisions if they liked their job...

They said, "The pay isn't great, but the tips are big."

What do you call the offspring of a elephant and a rhino?

Elephino

Did you hear about the guy who made giraffe and elephant jam?

He called it Wildlife Preserve.

What do you call an elephant that no one talks about anymore?

An irrelevant elephant.

What do you give to an elephant with diarrhea?

Plenty of room.

What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?

Time to get a new fence.

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What do elephants use for tampons ?

Sheep

Why do elephants have trunks ?

Because sheep don't have strings

An elephant stumbles upon a naked man in the savanna. As he has never seen a naked man before he thinks to himself, pitying: "That poor man."

"How is he going to get food in his mouth?"

An elephant walks into a piano bar just as the pianist is playing a particularly sad song.

He sits down by the pianist
and weeps.

The pianist says "I'm sorry, has
this song upset you?"

The elephants answers, "No, but I
recognise that ivory, you prick".

What do elephants wear on their legs?

Elepants

My 4 year old just told her first joke: How do you get an elephant down from a tree?

“Elephants can’t climb trees you doofus”

I’m actually quite proud of her!

Did I ever tell you what I used to do before I worked here? I used to circumcise elephants...

Them: Really?

Me: Yeah, the pay wasn't very good, but the tips were big!

What a twist

Student: 503 bricks are on a plane. 1 falls off. How many are left?

Teacher: 502.

Student: How do you put an elephant in a fridge?

Teacher:No you can’t fit an elephant in a fridge!!

Student: Just open door, put elephant in, close door.

Student: How do you put a gir...

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Why dont elephants use tampons?

You wouldn't use them either if you had to put them in with your nose!

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A boy sees an elephants penis at the zoo

He asks “mommy! whats that?"

Mom quickly replies "oh that's nothing" and walks on.

Later while passing the elephant the kid sees the weiner again and says to his dad "what's that daddy?"

Dad replies "oh thats the elephants penis"

kid says "oh, mommy says that's n...

Why was 6 upset with 7 after 7 won her a stuffed elephant at the fair?

Because 711432.

What do elephants have that no other animal has?

Baby Elephants.

A Republican, a Democrat, a Communist, a priest, a rabbi, an Imam, an African, a Caucasian, an Asian, a horse, a giraffe, an elephant, a fairy, an elf, and an unicorn walk into a bar...

The bar tender looks up

"What is this? A joke?"

If a rhino and a elephant had a baby, what would you name it?

Helliphino



[hell-if-I-know]

Did you know that an elephant can carry up to nearly 20,000 pounds?

I wish I had that kind of money on me.

What's the difference between an elephant and a Greek grandma?

About 20 pounds and a moustache.

How does an elephant get down from a tree?

It sits on a leaf and waits until autumn

What’s the difference between a pub and an elephant fart?

One is a bar room, the other is a BAROOM!

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Comeback school

One day a man offers to take his son to the circus, which is coming to town in a few weeks. The boy is so excited and feels like it takes forever for the big day to arrive. Finally, it’s time to go to the circus. They arrive early and get front row seats, sodas and peanuts.

First the juggl...

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My cousin Mordecai circumcises elephants

He says the pay is crap but the tips are big

Elephants are the ultimate animal for use in espionage

Get them into a room and nobody will even acknowledge them

How do you stop an elephant from charging?

Take away his credit card

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Rabbits

A Little Rabbit is running happily through the woods when he comes across a Giraffe rolling a joint. He runs up the Giraffe and says, "Hey, Giraffe. You shouldn't do that. Think of your health. You should come running in the woods instead!" The Giraffe looks at the Little Rabbit, looks at the spliff...

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An Elephant asks the Camel why it has it's boobs on its back....

The Camel replies annoyed.... What a stupid question coming from someone with their dick on their face

Monkey sees Elephant climbing a banana tree.

Confused, Monkey calls out to Elephant, "Hey, Elephant, why are you climbing that tree?"

Elephant says, "I'm going to eat me a mango!"

Monkey responds, "But that isn't a mango tree!?!"

Elephant says, "Don't worry about it, I brought my own."

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Camel and an Elephant

A camel and elephant are talking one day, and the elephant says to the camel, "Why are your tits on your back?" The camel replies, "I don't know. Why is your penis on your face?"

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

Marry her.

The circus arrives in town with a novel act - make the bull elephant kneel down and win $1000.

After watching various people trying everything Jimmy steps up to the elephant and gives it a mighty kick in the balls. The elephant collapses and its owner, cursing Jimmy's foul methods, hands over the cash.

The circus moves on to the next town and Jimmy, recognising a good opportunity, foll...

Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkled?

Because if it was small, white, and round, he’d be an aspirin.

I have the memory of an elephant.

I remember one time I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.

How can you scare people with your impression of an elephant?

Turn both of your pants pockets inside out, and say, “hey, you ever seen my impression of an elephant?” while reaching for your zipper.

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