I bought my friend an elephant for his room

He said, “Thanks!”

I said, “Don’t mention it”

How do you fit 1,000,000 elephants in a Safeway?

You take the S from Safe and the F from Way

Why don't you see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they're really good at it.

One day I shot an elephant in my pajamas

I'm still trying to figure out how it got in my pajamas

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

How do you breathe through that tiny thing?

What do you call an elephant in the North Pole?

Lost

Why did the lifeguard throw the elephants out of the swimming pool?

They wouldn't keep their trunks up.

What do you get if you mix an elephant and a rhinoceros?

Elephino.

I asked a person giving elephant circumcisions if they liked their job...

They said, "The pay isn't great, but the tips are big."

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?

Steve. Just because he's irrelephant doesn't mean we don't use his name.

How do elephants communicate over long distances?

By elephone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elephant and a bunny are sitting in the forest, taking a dump

"Say bunny", asks the elephant. "Dosen't it bother you when shit gets on your fur?".
"No, not at all" the bunny answers.
So the elephant grabs the bunny and wipes his ass with it.

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

A hearing with the ethics committee and a revoked veterinary license. “Elephino...” you disgust me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do elephants use for tampons ?

Sheep

Why do elephants have trunks ?

Because sheep don't have strings

What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?

Time to get a new fence.

I got a new job at the zoo, circumcising elephants.

The pay isn't great but the tips are enormous.

What do you call the offspring of a elephant and a rhino?

Elephino

An elephant walks into a piano bar just as the pianist is playing a particularly sad song.

He sits down by the pianist
and weeps.

The pianist says "I'm sorry, has
this song upset you?"

The elephants answers, "No, but I
recognise that ivory, you prick".

What do elephants wear on their legs?

Elepants

What do you call an elephant that no one talks about anymore?

An irrelevant elephant.

Me: How do you get an elephant into a SafeWay bag?

Friend: I don't know how do you.

Me: You take the S out of safe and the f out of way.

Friend: Wait, there's no f in way.

Me: Exactly

An elephant stumbles upon a naked man in the savanna. As he has never seen a naked man before he thinks to himself, pitying: "That poor man."

"How is he going to get food in his mouth?"

How do you yeet an elephant?

One aight at a time.

What do you give to an elephant with diarrhea?

Plenty of room.

Did I ever tell you what I used to do before I worked here? I used to circumcise elephants...

Them: Really?

Me: Yeah, the pay wasn't very good, but the tips were big!

Are we going to address the elephant in the room?

Yes, but it’ll cost a fortune in shipping.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You are on a horse galloping at a constant speed. On your right side, is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse, but your horse is unable to overtake it...

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why dont elephants use tampons?

You wouldn't use them either if you had to put them in with your nose!

What’s the difference between a pub and an elephant fart?

One is a bar room, the other is a BAROOM!

A Republican, a Democrat, a Communist, a priest, a rabbi, an Imam, an African, a Caucasian, an Asian, a horse, a giraffe, an elephant, a fairy, an elf, and an unicorn walk into a bar...

The bar tender looks up

"What is this? A joke?"

Did you know that an elephant can carry up to nearly 20,000 pounds?

I wish I had that kind of money on me.

What do elephants have that no other animal has?

Baby Elephants.

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

Marry it.

How does an elephant get down from a tree?

It sits on a leaf and waits until autumn

If a rhino and a elephant had a baby, what would you name it?

Helliphino



[hell-if-I-know]

Elephants are the ultimate animal for use in espionage

Get them into a room and nobody will even acknowledge them

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My cousin Mordecai circumcises elephants

He says the pay is crap but the tips are big

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Camel and an Elephant

A camel and elephant are talking one day, and the elephant says to the camel, "Why are your tits on your back?" The camel replies, "I don't know. Why is your penis on your face?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Elephant asks the Camel why it has it's boobs on its back....

The Camel replies annoyed.... What a stupid question coming from someone with their dick on their face

Why was 6 upset with 7 after 7 won her a stuffed elephant at the fair?

Because 711432.

Monkey sees Elephant climbing a banana tree.

Confused, Monkey calls out to Elephant, "Hey, Elephant, why are you climbing that tree?"

Elephant says, "I'm going to eat me a mango!"

Monkey responds, "But that isn't a mango tree!?!"

Elephant says, "Don't worry about it, I brought my own."

How do you stop an elephant from charging?

Take away his credit card

What do you get if you mix a kangaroo with a elephant?

Bloody big holes all over Australia

Yesterday I was at a Weight Watchers party but nobody mentioned obesity.

There were just too many elephants in the room.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The lion is throwing a jungle sex party and everyone's invited

Before the party starts the lion goes in front of everyone and says
"there is only one rule in this party. No condoms! You can fuck with everyone but you can't use any condoms no matter what."

So the party starts and as predicted everyone is having a great time.
The lion walks around t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why didn’t the elephant get through TSA?

Because it’s a fucking elephant

A Student asks a Professor...

Student: Professor, can I ask you something?

Professor: Sure.

Student: How do you put an elephant into a fridge?

Professor: I dont know

Student: Its simple, you open the fridge and put him in. I have another question.

Professor: Go ahead

Student: How do you ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dad and his young son are at the zoo.

They’re at the elephant enclosure and the little boy points to the elephants trunk and says, “Daddy, what is that?”
“That’s the elephants nose son.”
The elephant turns to the side and without warning, it’s massive penis is in full view.
“What’s that daddy?”
The dad, not wanting to deal ...

If you call a girl fat, she'll always remember.

Because elephants never forget

Why didn't your mom want to get on the airplane.

She once heard pigs can't fly and an elephant never forgets

What's gray and comes in liters?

An elephant.

There's this girl named Patty-Whack who works in a bank.

One day, a little green frog comes in, reminiscent of Kermit the frog. He's carrying a tiny pink elephant in hands, and walks up to Patty-Whack.

"Excuse me miss, I would like to apply for a loan. I won't be able to pay it back, but I can offer you this elephant statue in exchange. It's worth ...

My wife has a weight problem and refuses to talk about it.

Now whenever she is around, it's like there are two elephants in the room.

Why didn't the elephant buy the car?

It didn't have enough trunk space.

Everything unrelated to the subject at hand is irrelevant.

But everything unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.

Why do elephants have 4 feet?

Because 6 inches would look ridiculous.

Someone sarcastically asked a man with a big belly if he’s pregnant.

He replies, “Actually yes I am. It’s a baby elephant, and I think it started coming out already”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Little Kid and The Bus Driver

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver.

The little kid starts yelling, " If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull."

The bus driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continued with, "If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elepha...

A frog goes into a bank

He hops up on the desk of the loan officer.
''Hi,'' he croaks.''What's your name?'

The loan officer says, ''My name is John Paddywack. May I help you?''

''Yeah,'' says the frog. ''I'd like to borrow some money.''

The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form....

Why can’t two elephants go swimming at the same time?

Only one pair of trunks

A cop was interviewing a witness to a bank robbery...

Cop: Did you see the robbers?

Witness: Sort of. There were three guys wearing ski masks and an elephant.

Cop: An elephant?!

Witness: Yeah, an elephant.

Cop: Was it an African or Indian elephant?

Witness: I didn't ask where it was from.

Cop: No, Afric...

My favorite joke

If you have 500 bricks on a plane and you throw one off how many do you now have?

>!499!<

How do you put an elephant in a fridge?

>!Open the door, then put the elephant inside!<

How do you put a giraffe in a fridge?

>!Open the door, take the elephant...

What do you get when cross an owl with an elephant?

A dead owl with a six inch wide hole in it.

A man is putting salt around the city of Paris, France...

A man is putting salt around the city of Paris, France. A woman walks by and asks why he is spreading salt around. “Well, it keeps the elephants away!” He replied. “But there are no elephants in Paris!” The woman said. ...

A frog walks in to a bank.

He asks for a loan, and the teller, named Patricia wack says no.

He then says “But my father is Mic Jagger!”

Patricia says no again.

He then lays his heart and soul, a marble elephant, down on the table, and asks again. “Can I have a loan?”

Patricia flips over the table a...

An Irishman and his son went to the zoo...

A sign says, “Feed the elephant a bun to get your age”

The little boy gives the elephant a bun and it stomps it’s foot 6 times.

“Wow” says the boy, “That’s right I am 6, you have a go dad!”

The Irish chap gives the elephant a bun...

A moment later the elephant farts and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do Elephants paint their balls red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.
What’s the loudest sound in the jungle ?
Giraffes eating cherries.

A Frog Walks into A Bank

Patricia (Patty) Mac worked as a loan officer for a bank. One day a frog walks into her office.

“How may I help you” Patricia asked.

The frog replied, “I would like to take out a $20,000 loan”.

“You, a frog, wants a loan”?

“Yes, please”.

Patty runs his credit ...

Teacher: "Children, please list ten animals who live in Africa."

Children: "An elephant and nine giraffes."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is told by his doctor that he'll never again have a erection.

"It's a very unique case of erectile dysfunction" the doctor says.

"There is only only way to possibly cure it, but the procedure is very risky and unorthodox. You see, I can graft tissue from an elephant's truck into your penis, which could allow you to achieve an erection."

The man,...

A squirrel was sitting on the branch of a tree when suddenly it began shaking violently.

Looking down he saw an elephant climbing up the tree.

"What the hell are you doing," cried the squirrel.

"I want to eat some cherries."

"But this is an oak tree. There aren't any cherries here."

"It's okay," said the elephant. "I brought my own."

They say if you paint an elephant’s toenails red, you won’t see it in a strawberry patch

You are probably thinking, “That’s impossible. Elephants are huge!”

But ask yourself: have I ever seen an elephant in a strawberry patch?

No?

Then it obviously works!

**Courtesy of a little book I read as a child and think is cute

Mbeki and his elephant

Mbeki was a boy who live in a small village on the edge of the great Serengeti plain of Africa. Mbeki would spend days watching the animals on the plain, learning and studying their behaviors.

Twice a year during the great animal migration from their summer to their winter feeding grounds and...

What do you do with an elephant with 3 balls?

Walk him and pitch to the rhino.

My cousins contract at the zoo to wash the undersides of elephants. They say that their pay’s not that great...

But their tips are ENORMOUS!

A fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant.

It's lying on the ground in distress. He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot.

He removes it and the elephant happily trots away.
20 years later the man in standing in London watching a circus procession pass by.

When along comes an elephant, as it gets level with him, it stop...

A frog walks into a bank

He approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's o...

How does an elephant hide in the forest?

Paints its nuts red and hides in a cherry tree.

What's the loudest sound in the wild?

A giraffe eating cherries.

How do you fit an elephant in the fridge in three simple steps?

* How do you fit an entire elephant in the refrigerator in three simple steps?
* *How?*
* You open the door, you stick the elephant in, and you close the door



* How do you fit a giraffe in the refrigerator in four easy steps?
* *How?*
* You open the door, you take the elep...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A family goes to the zoo...

and when they get there, they decide to split up so they can see more animals. The little boy goes with his mother, and after they walk for a bit he points and says, "Mommy, what's that?!" She tells him that it's a monkey. Soon after he points again, asking "Mommy, what's that?" She tells him that i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny and the Alphabet

Little Johnny is in kindergarten and loves to say curse words. His teacher has become rather annoyed with his bad habit, so much so that she second guesses even calling on little Johnny to answer questions. Today’s lesson was the alphabet. The teacher asks each student to raise their hand if they kn...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple decide to take their young daughter to zoo one weekend

While standing around the elephant exhibit the little girl notice that the big bull elephant has huge erection

She whisper to her mother "What is that between his legs?" & her mother whisper back "Oh that is nothing darling."

Not satisfied with mothers answer she whisper to her fat...

A frog walks into a bank

A frog walks into the bank and points at the nearest teller. "You! What's your name?"

"It's Patty," says the teller.

"Last name?"

"Whack. Can I help you?"

"Yeah," the frog says. "My dad is Keith Richards and you're gonna give me a loan. I need $3,000 before I leave to...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.