You never see elephants hiding in trees

I guess they must be really good at it

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An elephant and a bunny are sitting in the forest, taking a dump

"Say bunny", asks the elephant. "Dosen't it bother you when shit gets on your fur?".
"No, not at all" the bunny answers.
So the elephant grabs the bunny and wipes his ass with it.

I got a new job at the zoo, circumcising elephants.

The pay isn't great but the tips are enormous.

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?

Steve. Just because he's irrelephant doesn't mean we don't use his name.

What did the Elephant say to the naked man?

How do you breath through something that small?

What do you get when you cross a elephant with rhino?

Hell if I know

Are we going to address the elephant in the room?

Yes, but it’ll cost a fortune in shipping.

Me: How do you get an elephant into a SafeWay bag?

Friend: I don't know how do you.

Me: You take the S out of safe and the f out of way.

Friend: Wait, there's no f in way.

Me: Exactly

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Why dont elephants use tampons?

You wouldn't use them either if you had to put them in with your nose!

What do you call an elephant that no one talks about anymore?

An irrelevant elephant.

What do you give to an elephant with diarrhea?

Plenty of room.

Did you know that an elephant can carry up to nearly 20,000 pounds?

I wish I had that kind of money on me.

A Republican, a Democrat, a Communist, a priest, a rabbi, an Imam, an African, a Caucasian, an Asian, a horse, a giraffe, an elephant, a fairy, an elf, and an unicorn walk into a bar...

The bar tender looks up

"What is this? A joke?"

Elephant

I bought my friend a rather large elephant for his room. He said thanks. I said don’t mention it.

How does an elephant get down from a tree?

It sits on a leaf and waits until autumn

What do elephants have that no other animal has?

Baby Elephants.

Elephants are the ultimate animal for use in espionage

Get them into a room and nobody will even acknowledge them

What’s the difference between a pub and an elephant fart?

One is a bar room, the other is a BAROOM!

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You are on a horse galloping at a constant speed. On your right side, is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse, but your horse is unable to overtake it...

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

If a rhino and a elephant had a baby, what would you name it?

Helliphino



[hell-if-I-know]

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My cousin Mordecai circumcises elephants

He says the pay is crap but the tips are big

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An Elephant asks the Camel why it has it's boobs on its back....

The Camel replies annoyed.... What a stupid question coming from someone with their dick on their face

Monkey sees Elephant climbing a banana tree.

Confused, Monkey calls out to Elephant, "Hey, Elephant, why are you climbing that tree?"

Elephant says, "I'm going to eat me a mango!"

Monkey responds, "But that isn't a mango tree!?!"

Elephant says, "Don't worry about it, I brought my own."

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Camel and an Elephant

A camel and elephant are talking one day, and the elephant says to the camel, "Why are your tits on your back?" The camel replies, "I don't know. Why is your penis on your face?"

Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkled?

Because if it was small, white, and round, he’d be an aspirin.

What do you do with an elephant with 3 balls?

You walk him and pitch to the giraffe

Why was 6 upset with 7 after 7 won her a stuffed elephant at the fair?

Because 711432.

An elephant lost 25% of his tusks

tsk tsk

A fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant.

It's lying on the ground in distress. He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot.

He removes it and the elephant happily trots away.
20 years later the man in standing in London watching a circus procession pass by.

When along comes an elephant, as it gets level with him, it stop...

What do you do when you come across an elephant in the jungle?

Wipe it off and say you’re sorry.

How do you stop an elephant from charging?

Take away his credit card

I would hate to have a pet elephant.

I'd have to address him so much.

What do you get if you mix a kangaroo with a elephant?

Bloody big holes all over Australia

The circus arrives in town with a novel act - make the bull elephant kneel down and win $1000.

After watching various people trying everything Jimmy steps up to the elephant and gives it a mighty kick in the balls. The elephant collapses and its owner, cursing Jimmy's foul methods, hands over the cash.

The circus moves on to the next town and Jimmy, recognising a good opportunity, foll...

Why do elephants have 4 feet?

Because 6 inches would look ridiculous.

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Why didn’t the elephant get through TSA?

Because it’s a fucking elephant

Why didn't the elephant buy the car?

It didn't have enough trunk space.

An elephant escaped from the zoo yesterday.

Police believe it's hiding in a room somewhere. Citizens are requested not to mention it.

Mbeki and his elephant

Mbeki was a boy who live in a small village on the edge of the great Serengeti plain of Africa. Mbeki would spend days watching the animals on the plain, learning and studying their behaviors.

Twice a year during the great animal migration from their summer to their winter feeding grounds and...

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

Marry her.

What do you get when cross an owl with an elephant?

A dead owl with a six inch wide hole in it.

Why are elephants large, gray, and wrinkly?

Because is they were small, white, and smooth they'd be aspirin

How do you fit an elephant in the fridge in three simple steps?

* How do you fit an entire elephant in the refrigerator in three simple steps?
* *How?*
* You open the door, you stick the elephant in, and you close the door



* How do you fit a giraffe in the refrigerator in four easy steps?
* *How?*
* You open the door, you take the elep...

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Why do Elephants paint their balls red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.
What’s the loudest sound in the jungle ?
Giraffes eating cherries.

How can you scare people with your impression of an elephant?

Turn both of your pants pockets inside out, and say, “hey, you ever seen my impression of an elephant?” while reaching for your zipper.

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A man went to the doctor complaining about erectile dysfunction...

A man went to the doctor and told him that he was having trouble maintaining an erection. After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him.

However, he knew of an exp...

I have the memory of an elephant.

I remember one time I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.

I like elephants.

Everything else is irrelephant.

How does an elephant hide in the forest?

Paints its nuts red and hides in a cherry tree.

What's the loudest sound in the wild?

A giraffe eating cherries.

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An elephant wandering the jungle gets a thorn in its foot ...

Unable to extract the thorn itself, the elephant leans against a coconut tree, waiting for some other animal to come along and help him.

Hours pass and no animal appears. Just then, an ant comes crawling along.

"Oh, Brother Ant!" the elephant says. "Could you please help me take this t...

Why can’t two elephants go swimming at the same time?

Only one pair of trunks

My cousins contract at the zoo to wash the undersides of elephants. They say that their pay’s not that great...

But their tips are ENORMOUS!

what time is it when an elephant jumps off your diving board?

time to get a new diving board.

Elephant Jokes

Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?

A: It was dead.

Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?

A: It was tied to the first elephant.

Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?

A: It thought it was a game.

Q: Why did the tree fall...

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What do elephants do before they have sex?

Pull down their trunks.

What did the elephant say when he caught his wife cheating?

"Can we talk about the elephant in our room?"

Elephant Stew

## Ingredients

* 1 Elephant
* Brown gravy, and lots of it
* Salt and pepper to taste
* 2 Rabbits (optional)

## Directions

Cut elephant into small, bite-size pieces.

This should take about 2 months.



Add enough brown gravy to cover,

cook over...

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An elephant picks up a white rabbit

An elephant picks up a white rabbit after taking a dump. It asks the rabbit: “Are you afraid of getting dirty?” The rabbit says no and the elephant wipes his bum with it.

The next day the elephant picks up a squirrel after eating. It asks the squirrel: “Are you afraid of getting dirty?” The s...

As a summer job I would work for the circus, my job was to circumcise the elephants...

The pay wasn’t that good, but the tips were HUGE

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An elephant and a mouse are walking through a forest...

When suddenly the elephant falls through a trap hole and can't get out.
Mouse starts panicking as the elephant, stuck, pleads for help.
So the mouse starts thinking... and runs back all the way out of the forest, where he finds a parking lot.
At the edge of the parking lot, he sees a re...

What do you do if an elephant sits on your fence?

Help it decide.

What do you call the offspring of an elephant and a rhyno?

Elephyno

How Do You Fit 8 Elephants In a Car

2 in the front, 3 in the back and the bottle from an earlier joke in the middle.

Why are elephants so wrinkly?

Have you ever tried to iron one?

My wife began to address the elephant in the room.

I asked her why she was talking to herself.

I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today and as we were walking around, he suddenly shouted, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!” I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us...

“What did you just call it?” I asked.

“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.

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Mom and dad take their 5 year-old son to the zoo...

They stop by the elephants and the son notices the bull elephant, who's clearly excited. The son whispers to mom, "Mom, what's that thing hanging from the elephant?"

The mom, not really paying attention replies, "That's the elephant's trunk, sweetie."

The son replies, "No, mom. I know ...

What does a tank museum and a zoo have in common?

They both have Panthers, pumas, tigers and elephants.

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