UPJOKE
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A billionaire buys an elephant

Two billionaire friends meet. After a casual conversation, one of them finally asks: So, how's your home life?

The other answers: Couldn't be better! I bought an elephant!

The other guy looks at him astonished: An elephant? Have you gone mad?

The guy replies, smiling: Oh, man, ...

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How do you kill a blue Elephant?

With a blue elephant gun obviously.

*How do you kill a red elephant?*

You choke it til it turns blue then use a blue elephant gun.

*How do you kill a green elephant?*

You tickle it til it turns red then choke it til it turns blue then use a blue elephant gun.

*How ...

What's the difference between an Indian and an African elephant?

One's an elephant.

What do you get when you cross elephant DNA with Human DNA?

A lifetime ban from the zoo.

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For my first cake day I want to share a joke my dad told me when I was probably too young to really understand it. How does an elephant hide in the jungle?

Climbs to the top of a cherry tree and paints his balls red.

What’s the loudest sound in the jungle?

Giraffes eating cherries!

(Apologies if you’ve heard it before fellow Redditors! Maybe by next cake day I’ll get better material)

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?

Steve. Just because he's irrelephant doesn't mean we don't use his name.

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A man goes into his doctors after being assaulted by an elephant in the jungle.

As the man explains what happened in the jungle the doctor is confused.
"Well, I can't see any injuries on you, so what happened?"

The man responds
"Well you see Doc, the elephant knocked me down and.... Had his way with me.. I know it's bad but can you have a look for me?"

The d...

I just got a new job at the zoo, circumcising the elephants!

The pay isn’t great, but the tips are huge!

I bought my friend an elephant for their room.

They said thank you. I said don't mention it.

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An elephant is walking through the jungle

She steps over a fallen tree and gets a splinter in between her toes. She tries and tries to get it out but just ends up wedging it in deeper, driving her to tears.

She can't move much and is in a miserable state. Along comes a mouse.

"Please, Mr. Mouse, take this splinter out of my fo...

What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

You walk him and pitch to the rhinoceros.

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You are on a horse galloping at a constant speed. On your right side, is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse, but your horse is unable to overtake it...

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

"How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"

How do you get down from an elephant?

You don't. You get down from a goose.

When I was younger one of my favorite jokes to tell was about a 4,000 lb. elephant. I tried to convert it to metric to share with the rest of the world.

But, it never got a laugh. Just these looks of mass confusion.

Did you hear about the guy who went around murdering people with a melted clock and long-legged elephant?

He was a Surreal Killer

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?

Irr-elephant

Hahahaha

What did the drummer name his twin daughters?

Anna-one, Anna-two.

Buhahahahaha.

I have the memory of an elephant.

I saw an elephant.

Joke from my 12 year old “why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?”

Because they’re so good at it!

Please don’t ban me

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

Marry her.

I have the memory of an elephant.

I remember one time I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.

What do you call an elephant who doesn't matter?

An irrelephant

An elephant went to the post office to get a PO Box.

The clerk was happy to address the elephant in the room.

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A boy sees an elephants penis at the zoo

He asks “mommy! whats that?"

Mom quickly replies "oh that's nothing" and walks on.

Later while passing the elephant the kid sees the weiner again and says to his dad "what's that daddy?"

Dad replies "oh thats the elephants penis"

kid says "oh, mommy says that's n...

A medieval king was hunting in Africa. He killed a lion, an elephant, and a hippopotamus, and awarded the skins to his three squires back home in his kingdom. Thus, the three squires became known as the Lion Squire, the Elephant Squire, and the Hippo Squire.

As the years passed, the Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire became very jealous of the Hippo Squire because they wanted the hippo skin too. So, they hatched a plan to assassinate the Hippo Squire and divide the hippo skin between them equally.

Now the Lion Squire had eight sons, and the Elep...

What's the difference between a tavern and an elephant fart?

One is a bar room, and the other is a "BAHHH-ROOOM!!!"

What do you give an elephant when it has diarrhea?

A lot of space.

An elephant walks into a bar...

Nobody acknowledges him.

Why do you never see an elephant hiding on top of a tree?

Because they're good at it.

Did you hear about the elephant with herpes?

Turned out to be pachydermititis.

What do you call an elephant mixed with a rhino?

Ell if I know

How do you hide an elephant in a strawberry patch?

Paint it's toenails red.

Don't believe me? Have you ever seen an elephant in a strawberry patch?

My balloon elephant wouldn’t fit in the back seat of my car so...

I had to pop the trunk.

Never lie to an elephant

There was a TED talk for elephants by elephants. The speaker elephant was talking about why you should never lie to elephants. It went like:

"So ladies and gentlemen, why should you never lie to an elephant?

Well it's because an elephant never...

never...

An elephant, uh,...

"Dad, I wanna a pet elephant!"

"Sorry, but that's not possible. We wouldn't even be able to feed it properly!"

"Get me one from the zoo then, you're not supposed to feed those ones!"

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My brother fell in dog crap, deer crap, cat crap, elephant crap and horse crap

He's been through a lot of shit

What weighs more? an elephant or a human?

The human.

elephants dont know how to use scales and thus, are incapable of weighing anything.

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an elephant is walking through the jungle when he realizes he's stuck in quicksand and sinking

He reaches out with his trunk and grabs a branch. He attempts to haul himself in but the branch brakes and he begins sinking even quicker. The elephant begins yelling for help and a Mouse runs up
"What's wrong Mr elephant?" said the mouse
" I am stuck in quicksand and sinking to my Doom.pleas...

How can you scare people with your impression of an elephant?

Turn both of your pants pockets inside out, and say, “hey, you ever seen my impression of an elephant?” while reaching for your zipper.

What do you get when you throw an elephant in the pool?

Wet.

What do you get when you throw two elephants in the pool?

Swimming trunks.

How do you know when you've passed an elephant?

You can't flush the toilet.

An elephant escaped from a zoo and no trace had been found....

Until a woman who had never seen an elephant before, called the police.

There's a weird animal in my garden. It's pulling up the cabbages with its tail. And what is worse, I cannot describe what it is doing with them.

how do you stop an elephant from charging?

take away its credit card

How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

(This is a 6 in 1 joke)
Person 1: You have 500 bricks. If you throw one off a plane, how many will you have left?
Person 2: 499.
Person 1: Correct!

Person 1: How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Person 2: That’s not physically possible.
Person 1: Wrong, you open the ...

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A man badly damaged his dick in an accident

The surgeon says “we’ve developed a new technique that can rebuild your penis, using a section of an elephant’s trunk”; so the guy decides to go ahead.

The operation is a great success. A couple of weeks later, he’s having dinner at a restaurant with his wife. Suddenly his dick bursts out of ...

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An elephant is walking through the jungle.

An elephant is walking through the jungle. She is almost home home when she steps on a log and gets a nasty splinter deep in between her toes.

She tries to keep walking but the pain is just to much for her to handle.

As the elephant falls to the ground rrady to give up, she notices...

How do you fit an Elephant in a refrigerator ?

Open the door, shove in the Elephant, close the door.


*How do you fit a Giraffe in a refrigerator?*

Open the door, take out the Elephant, shove in the Giraffe, close the door.


*A plane has 20 bricks on the right hand side and 21 bricks on the left side. How do you balanc...

how do you stop an elephant from stampeding?

Cut its stampeder off.

Incredible Story of Dr. Davis and an Elephant

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Victoria University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected...

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Why don't you see elephants hiding in trees?

Why don't you see elephants hiding in trees? Because they are really good at it.

Why do elephants paint their balls red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.

What's the loudest sound in the jungle?
Giraffes eating cherries

There is an elephant and a giraffe in the bathroom

The giraffe says "pass the soap, please"

And the elephant says "no soap, radio!"

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The baby elephant trunk...

A man is in a tragic accident and awakens in the hospital. The doctor and nurse are there and after the basic checks the doctor pulls up a chair.

"I have some terrible news, sir. You were in a terrible accident and you lost your penis."

The man is shocked, and starts to weep, but the ...

What do you call an elephant that’s completely made out of ears?

The answer is entirely earelephant.

What do you get when you mix a rat and an elephant?

Who cares? It's a relephant.

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What else could he say??

A young couple decided to take their 5 year old son to see the circus. After several amazing acts, the ringmaster led six bull elephants into the center ring, linked trunk to tail in the usual manner.

"What's that big thing hanging off the elephant, Mommy?" Little Johnny asked.

"That...

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what do you get when you crossbreed a Chihuahua with an Elephant?

A dead Chihuahua with an eighteen inch asshole.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?

Elephino. It just isn't rhelephant.

(This joke works best when said out loud.)

What do you get when you cross a Kangaroo and an Elephant?

A letter from the Scientific Ethics Committee and a withdrawl of your grant money.

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An elephant asked a camel, "Why do you have boobs on your back?"

The camel was stunned for a second and then replied, “That’s a good question, especially coming from a freak who has his penis on his face!"

A joke my 4 year old came up with today...

Him: "What's the only mammal that can breathe under water?"

Me: "I dunno, what?"

Him (loudly): "An elephant sticking his trunk up!"

Elephant.

Why do elephants have four feet.?

\>

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

They would look silly with four inches.

What do you get when you mix an elephant and a hooker?

A two ton pickup

A man walks into a bar and asks for the bill

The bartender looks confused and tells the man he didn't order anything.

The man says I know, but I own the zoo down the street. I heard about the time a grizzly bear, elephant, monkey, tiger, alligator,... walked into a bar. I'm here to pay for the damages.

Do you know? a King Cobra's venom can kill an elephant.

Thank god I am not an elephant.

An elephant saw a man urinating in the woods

The elephant asks to the man “ how are you able to drink if the trunk is that far down”

An elephant drinking from a stream spots a tortoise lounging on the shore.

He grabs it with his trunk and flings it into the jungle. A passing zebra asks, "Why did you do that?" ...... "Forty years ago that very tortoise nipped my tail just for fun," the elephant said. "Wow" says the Zebra, "forty years ago! How did you remember that?" "That's easy" said the elephant. "...

How would an elephant smell without a trunk?

Trunk or no trunk, he would still smell terrible.

An elephant and an ape go to a party together. They want to bring some snacks: crackers and dips. Which of them buys the crackers?

The elephant.

Because the ape always buys the dip.

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A man scores a hot date

Not wanting to disappoint his date in the bedroom, he goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged.
The doctor says, "we happen to have a new experimental procedure that uses muscle cells from an elephant trunk that should do the trick." To which the man accepts.

Later on, the man and his...

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An elephant steps on an anthill

The ants start climbing up the huge male elephant’s leg, and the elephant starts to shake its body trying to get rid of the large amount of pissed off ants.

It moves so desperately that after a while they start falling off. Finally, there is only one ant left behind the elephant’s head, as th...

What's the difference between a BMW and an elephant.

Elephant has a trunk up front and a**hole in the back.

Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

A. 499

Q. What are three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?

A. Open Door, put elephant in refrigerator, close door

Q. What are four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?

A. Open do...

(Dumb Joke That I Heard Today)What did the elephant say to the naked guy that he saw in the jungle?

Do you breath through it.

Elephant Joke

It seems that there was this lady who had never seen an Elephant before (preposterous you say?)

She didn't even know what one looked like!

Well, as luck would have it, after leaving the farm and moving to the city, she woke up one morning, and lo and behold, there was an elephant in he...

How do you fit an elephant into a Safeway bag?

You take the F out of way.


*pause to let them ponder*


... there is no F in way...

Helping an Elephant

An American exchange student goes to Africa. While there, he spends a lot of time hiking around in the jungle. One day, he hears a commotion. He goes towards the sounds. Peering through some bushes, he spots an elephant.

The elephant seems to be in some distress. The student steps through...

When an elephant is sitting on your fence, what time is it?

Time to get a new fence.

What should you do if an elephant comes in your window?

Learn to swim.

Does anyone know the opposite of export elephant?

It's important.

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An elephant and a camel meet on a road

Elephant: Say, why is it you have your breasts on your back?

The camel paused for a second.

Camel: That's an unusual question coming from someone who has a dick on his face.

Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?

Because he slipped and fell.

Why did the second elephant fall from the tree

The first one dragged him down

Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree

It wanted to copy the other two

Why did the tree fall over

It wanted to be an elephant

Why was 6 upset with 7 after 7 won her a stuffed elephant at the fair?

Because 711432.

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What do elephants use as tampons?

Sheep.

Why do elephants have trunks?

Sheep don't have strings.

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