A billionaire buys an elephant

Two billionaire friends meet. After a casual conversation, one of them finally asks: So, how's your home life?

The other answers: Couldn't be better! I bought an elephant!

The other guy looks at him astonished: An elephant? Have you gone mad?

The guy replies, smiling: Oh, man, ...

When I was younger one of my favorite jokes to tell was about a 4,000 lb. elephant. I tried to convert it to metric to share with the rest of the world.

But, it never got a laugh. Just these looks of mass confusion.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you kill a blue Elephant?

With a blue elephant gun obviously.

*How do you kill a red elephant?*

You choke it til it turns blue then use a blue elephant gun.

*How do you kill a green elephant?*

You tickle it til it turns red then choke it til it turns blue then use a blue elephant gun.

*How ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an animal that's part Frog, part Duck, part Elephant and part Rhino?

Fuckephino

Elephant in a fridge (what style of humour is this joke?)

How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

(This is a 6 in 1 joke)
Person 1: You have 500 bricks. If you throw one off a plane, how many will you have left?
Person 2: 499.
Person 1: Correct!

Person 1: How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Person 2: That’s not...

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

How do you breathe through that thing?

What should you do if an elephant comes in your window?

Learn to swim.

I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said, "Thank you."

I said, "Don't mention it."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do elephants use as tampons?

Sheep.

Why do elephants have trunks?

Sheep don't have strings.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees

Because they are so good at it

How many elephants does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Well, technically just two. It would have to be a pretty huge lightbulb to fit them though.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do elephants make love in water?

Well, how else do you keep a two tonne fanny wet for two hours?

What do you call an elephant mixed with a rhinoceros?

Eliphino

Me: “Why did the elephant paint his toenails red?”

Them: “Why?”

Me: “To hide in the strawberry patch”

Them: “……..”

Me: “have you ever seen an elephant in a strawberry patch?”

Them: “no?”

Me: “then I guess it works”

Cue applause.

Helping an Elephant

An American exchange student goes to Africa. While there, he spends a lot of time hiking around in the jungle. One day, he hears a commotion. He goes towards the sounds. Peering through some bushes, he spots an elephant.

The elephant seems to be in some distress. The student steps through...

I used to make a living by circumcising elephants

The pays were lousy but the tips were huge!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don't you see elephants hiding in a tree?

Because they're very good at it.

Why do the elephants paint their balls red?

So they can hide in a cherry tree.

What's the loudest sound in the jungle?

Giraffes eating cherries.

How do you fit an Elephant in a refrigerator ?

Open the door, shove in the Elephant, close the door.


*How do you fit a Giraffe in a refrigerator?*

Open the door, take out the Elephant, shove in the Giraffe, close the door.


*A plane has 20 bricks on the right hand side and 21 bricks on the left side. How do you balanc...

Did you hear about the elephant with diarrhea?

Person, “No.”

Well you should have it’s all over town.

How Do You Catch a Pink Elephant?

This is super old. But another Joke here reminded me, so...

How Do You Catch a Pink Elephant?

First, you bake a cake with 3 raisins. Pink Elephants LOVE raisins. Then, you travel through Purple Elephant country. Purple Elephants are really easy to catch. Once you are in Pink Elephant c...

Anything not related to elephants

is irrelephant.

What do you get when you mix an elephant with a rhino?

Hellifiknow

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes into his doctors after being assaulted by an elephant in the jungle.

As the man explains what happened in the jungle the doctor is confused.
"Well, I can't see any injuries on you, so what happened?"

The man responds
"Well you see Doc, the elephant knocked me down and.... Had his way with me.. I know it's bad but can you have a look for me?"

The d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For my first cake day I want to share a joke my dad told me when I was probably too young to really understand it. How does an elephant hide in the jungle?

Climbs to the top of a cherry tree and paints his balls red.

What’s the loudest sound in the jungle?

Giraffes eating cherries!

(Apologies if you’ve heard it before fellow Redditors! Maybe by next cake day I’ll get better material)

What happened to Batman and Robin when a herd of elephants trampled over them ?

They became Flatman and Ribbon...

I have the memory of an elephant.

I saw an elephant.

Elephant never forgets

This man, Rajesh Patel wnet to Africa on a safari. While there, he comes upon an elephant, in great pain, with a giant thorn in its foot. Rajesh very carefully approaches the elephant, and gingerly removes the thorn from its foot. The elephant begins to walk away, then turns and stares at Rajesh for...

My friend once had a job circumcising elephants

Well according to him the pay was lousy but at least the tips were huge!

How do you fit an elephant into a Safeway bag?

You take the “s” out of “safe” and the “f” out of “way”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you breed an elephant and a duck?

A dead duck with gaping asshole

Why do elephants wear blue tennis shoes?

(So they land softer when they're sky diving?) No, because white ones scuff up too easily.

\---

Why shouldn't you go out in the savannah between 4pm and 6pm?
\--That's when the elephants go sky-diving

\---

Why do elephants live in herds?
\---To get the group dis...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mother, father, and 6-year-old son go to a zoo..

where they stop to see the elephant. While the father’s in the bathroom, the son notices one elephant has a rather large erection. Curious, he gets his mom’s attention.
“Mommy, what’s that hanging from the elephant?” “Oh, that’s its trunk honey.” “No, further back!” “Ah, you mean its tail!” “No, ...

There a 502 bricks in a plane, one falls out, how many bricks are left?

501

Hoe do you put an elephant in a fridge?

Open the door, put the elephant in, shut the door

How do put a giraffe in a fridge?

Open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, close the door

The lion king invites all the animals to a party, but ones missi...

A man walked onto a bus with an elephant.

He stuffs a piece of bread into each ear of the elephant.

"What the hell is that???" Yelled the shocked driver.

The man replies, annoyed "None of your business what I put in my sandwich."

an elephant looked through the tall grass when he saw a nudist tribe

it gasped and said said “how do you breathe through those?”

A pink elephant walks into a bar

The barman looks at him and says

“You’re too early mate, he’s not in yet”

My balloon elephant wouldn't fit in my backseat

So I had to pop the trunk

How do you tell an African from an Indian elephant?

The ears.
Lift them up and whisper “Where you from?”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The animals hear that the world is going to end

So, the Lion, as their king, calls an official meeting of all animals.

“We have only 10 days until everything as we know it is destroyed. Nothing matters anymore. Let’s just all have sex with each other and go out with a bang.”

The antelope flicks and ear to ask a question: “What about...

What's the difference between a suitcase and an elephant?

You can pack a suitcase, but you can't pachyderm

What's the difference between a riddle and an elephant sitting on a bun?

One is conundrum and the other is a bununderhim.

A medieval king was hunting in Africa. He killed a lion, an elephant, and a hippopotamus, and awarded the skins to his three squires back home in his kingdom. Thus, the three squires became known as the Lion Squire, the Elephant Squire, and the Hippo Squire.

As the years passed, the Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire became very jealous of the Hippo Squire because they wanted the hippo skin too. So, they hatched a plan to assassinate the Hippo Squire and divide the hippo skin between them equally.

Now the Lion Squire had eight sons, and the Elep...

What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

Walk him and pitch to the rhino.

What do you call an elephant that flies ?

A Jumbo Jet...

An elephant and an ant got into an argument.

The elephant lost his temper decided he was going to squash the ant.

The ant exclaimed, "ONLY IF YOU CAN CATCH ME!!!!" and ran off.

Elephants is chasing the ant, and as ant rounds a corner, he sees a rabbit.

"Yo, rabbit! Can I hide out in your fur? This elephant wants to kill m...

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?

Elephino. It just isn't rhelephant.

(This joke works best when said out loud.)

Did you know that humans, like elephants have evolved a very specific call to warn others about bees they have encountered?

Want to hear what it sounds like?

-


-



-


“BEES!”

What do you do when you come across an elephant in the jungle?

Wipe it off and say you’re sorry!

(Works best verbally)

A naked Tarzan sees an elephant drinking from the pond.

The elephant after seeing him approach says, "How much water can you drink from that tiny thing son?"

Why do elephants and stoners get along so well?

.......uhhhh.... I can’t remember.

Why do elephants have long noses?

So they can scratch their bag

What do you get when you mate and Elephant with a Rhino?

You get thrown out of the Safari Park

I like elephants.

Everything else is irrelephant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A frog walked into a bank for a loan.

He took a number and when it was his turn walked up to the available teller. Noticing her name placard said Patricia Wack, he said “Hello Patricia, I demand a 10 thousand dollar loan for a new business venture.” Astonished at the circumstances she found herself in, the teller told the frog she would...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man scores a hot date

Not wanting to disappoint his date in the bedroom, he goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged. The doctor says, "we happen to have a new experimental procedure that uses muscle cells from an elephant trunk that should do the trick." To which the man accepts.

Later on, the man and his dat...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A soldier gets his penis blown off in jungle combat and is sent to the closest field hospital

The doctor at the field hospital says sorry son your penis is completely blown off, there is nothing I can do.. well there is something but it would be completely experimental.
The next morning the soldier wakes up and slowly lifts the sheets only to see a baby elephant trunk had been sewn on whe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man has an elephant...

A man has an elephant that is getting too expensive to feed, so he puts an ad in the paper for a 50/50 contest. 20 dollars to enter, and if you can make the elephant jump, you win half the pot. Many people try but nobody can do it. One day, a slick guy in a Cadillac shows up puts money in the jar...

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

“Ringling Brothers is coming to town this week,” she said. “The poster says they have a dancing bear. I always wanted to see one of those.”

“Maybe next year,” says the man. “Work’s really busy this week.”

The next night at dinner, t...

A man walked outside and saw an Elephant in his backyard

A man walked outside and saw an Elephant in his backyard eating cabbages of his garden. The man, who had never seen anything like it before, ran to his neighbours house and said ‘Neighbour Neighbour a huge, weird creature is in my garden. Come look! He’s picking up cabbages with his tail and you won...

An elephant escapes from the circus

It wanders around and eventually ends uo in an old lady's garden eating the vegetables. The old lady came out and had never seen an elephant before nor did she know what it was. Panicked she ran inside and called the police

"Hello, what is your emergency" said the operator

"There is so...

I’ve got the memory of an elephant...

I remember one time I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.

It's my cake day and I don't know any new jokes so. Here are some old jokes I use to love as a kid

1. What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?
Answer = A stick.

2. What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Answer = Thunderwear.

3. Two pickles fell out of a jar onto the floor. What did one say to the other?
Answer = Dill with it.

4. What time is it when the...

Did you hear about the elephant with two trunks?

He was carrying his luggage.

An Elephant, a Giraffe and a Penguin walk in to a bar

It's at this point I realise that there is something wrong with my pint.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rat an an elephant are walking around when the rat falls into a hole.

The rat panics as the hole was deep and he couldnt get out. The elephant looks at the situation and offers help.

“I know this isnt’t ideal but youre gonna have to trust me”

The rat desperate and exhausting all other options he asks for the elephants idea

“Im gonna stick my pen...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW An elephant has a splinter stuck in her foot, and it's driving her crazy.

NSFW

She can't move much and is in a miserable state. Along comes a mouse.

"Please, Mr. Mouse, take this splinter out of my foot so I'm not in so much pain" says the elephant.

The mouse rubs his chin, "on one condition"

"Anything" says the elephant

"I want to have...

There is an elephant and a giraffe in the bathroom

The giraffe says "pass the soap, please"

And the elephant says "no soap, radio!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy sees an elephants penis at the zoo

He asks “mommy! whats that?"

Mom quickly replies "oh that's nothing" and walks on.

Later while passing the elephant the kid sees the weiner again and says to his dad "what's that daddy?"

Dad replies "oh thats the elephants penis"

kid says "oh, mommy says that's n...

What do you call an elephant small enough to fit in your ear?

It's earelephant.

Call a girl beautiful 1,000 times and she won’t think twice...

Call a girl fat once and she’ll always remember.


Because elephants never forget

What recipe uses chicken and elephant parts?

Chicken Dumbo

Why was the elephant arrested?

It forgot it's swim trunks.

Kermit Jagger needs a loan

A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller, whose name plate says Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $50,000 loan to take a vacation."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

"Kermit Jagger. My father is Mick Jagger. It will be fine to authori...

How do you catch an elephant?

First, you’ll need to dig a hole deep enough for an elephant. Proceed to complete surround the hole with green peas and fill the bottom of the hole with ashes.
*Once the elephant bends down to take a pee, kick it in the ash hole.*

What do you get when you mix an elephant and a kangaroo?

Big holes all over Australia.

Did you know: If you stacked every elephant on earth on top of each other...

...most of them would fall.

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?

Steve. Just because he's irrelephant doesn't mean we don't use his name.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You are on a horse galloping at a constant speed. On your right side, is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse, but your horse is unable to overtake it...

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

I took my 8 year old niece to the zoo last week...

..we were walking around the various cages and enclosures when all of a sudden she yells, “Look Uncle John! It's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us. “What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” ...

I won a contest to name our zoo’s new Elephant. So in the spirit of Bob Seger, I named him Rock and Roll.

Because Rock and Roll never forgets.

What do you call an elephant that is pleasingly graceful and stylish in appearance and manner?

An elegant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you know if two elephants were having sex in your backyard?

Your fence is knocked down and one of your Hefty trash bags is missing.

What happens if you mate a rhinoceros and an elephant?

El-iph-ino.

Elephant jokes, because it's what 2021 needs

Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out forest fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks.

Bonus #1: How can you tell an elephant has been in your refrigerator? Footprints in the cheesecake.

Bonus #2: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? Time...

My kid asked what we would get if we crossed a rhinoceros and an elephant.

I said, elifino.

How do you put an elephant in a fridge?

\-You have to open the door first.


....I know its lame

Why do elephants have tails?

So they don’t end abruptly

What's the difference between a BMW and an elephant.

Elephant has a trunk up front and a**hole in the back.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.