UPJOKE
african elephanttigerlionrhinocerosgiraffeapeindian elephantmammothtuskzoomanateesavannamammalpoachingmastodon

A billionaire buys an elephant

Two billionaire friends meet. After a casual conversation, one of them finally asks: So, how's your home life?

The other answers: Couldn't be better! I bought an elephant!

The other guy looks at him astonished: An elephant? Have you gone mad?

The guy replies, smiling: Oh, man, ...

I circumcise elephants for the circus, the pay is lousy.....

But the tips are enormous.

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

Marry her.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elephant is walking through the jungle.

An elephant is walking through the jungle. She is almost home home when she steps on a log and gets a nasty splinter deep in between her toes.

She tries to keep walking but the pain is just to much for her to handle.

As the elephant falls to the ground rrady to give up, she notices...

What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?

....
.....
.......

....
Hold your breath and swim.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you kill a blue Elephant?

With a blue elephant gun obviously.

*How do you kill a red elephant?*

You choke it til it turns blue then use a blue elephant gun.

*How do you kill a green elephant?*

You tickle it til it turns red then choke it til it turns blue then use a blue elephant gun.

*How ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don't you see elephants hiding in trees?

Why don't you see elephants hiding in trees? Because they are really good at it.

Why do elephants paint their balls red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.

What's the loudest sound in the jungle?
Giraffes eating cherries

How can you tell the difference between an Indian and African elephant?

One of them is an elephant

How to put 2 elephants in a jar without them touching each other?

You just put a third elephant between them.

What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?

An irrelephant.

how do you stop an elephant from charging?

take away its credit card

How do you get down from an elephant?

You don't. You get down from a duck.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The baby elephant trunk...

A man is in a tragic accident and awakens in the hospital. The doctor and nurse are there and after the basic checks the doctor pulls up a chair.

"I have some terrible news, sir. You were in a terrible accident and you lost your penis."

The man is shocked, and starts to weep, but the ...

Why are elephants banned from the swimming pool?

They can't keep their trunks up.

How do Tigers, Elephants, and Lions fly?

On the African plain

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they’re so good at it!

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

How do you breathe through that tiny thing?

I got a friend an elephant plushy for his room

He told me, "thank you."

And I replied, "Don't mention it."

how do you stop an elephant from stampeding?

Cut its stampeder off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elephant steps on an anthill

The ants start climbing up the huge male elephant’s leg, and the elephant starts to shake its body trying to get rid of the large amount of pissed off ants.

It moves so desperately that after a while they start falling off. Finally, there is only one ant left behind the elephant’s head, as th...

I have the memory of an elephant...

One time I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you do when you get swallowed by an elephant?

Run around until you’re all pooped out!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elephant asked a camel, "Why do you have boobs on your back?"

The camel was stunned for a second and then replied, “That’s a good question, especially coming from a freak who has his penis on his face!"

What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

You walk him and pitch to the rhino.

When I was younger one of my favorite jokes to tell was about a 4,000 lb. elephant. I tried to convert it to metric to share with the rest of the world.

But, it never got a laugh. Just these looks of mass confusion.

Incredible Story of Dr. Davis and an Elephant

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Victoria University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what do you get when you crossbreed a Chihuahua with an Elephant?

A dead Chihuahua with an eighteen inch asshole.

An elephant and an ape go to a party together. They want to bring some snacks: crackers and dips. Which of them buys the crackers?

The elephant.

Because the ape always buys the dip.

If there are 502 bricks in a plane and 1 falls off, how many are left?

(please read along with the joke and don't just cheat, it ruins the fun!)

501.

How do you put an elephant in a fridge?

You open the door, put the elephant in, and close the door.

How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?

You open the door, take the elephant out,put t...

Elephant.

Why do elephants have four feet.?

\>

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

They would look silly with four inches.

Why don't elephants use computers?

Because they are terrified of mice!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Learned this one when I was 5

The elephant said to the camel: Haha! You have your tits on your back!
Then the camel answered: So what? You have your dick om your face!

(it was hilarious when I was 5, and I still giggle a bit when remembering it)

What do you get when you cross a rhinoceros with an elephant?

Eliphino.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?

‘Ellifino…




(I’ll see myself out)

Do you know? a King Cobra's venom can kill an elephant.

Thank god I am not an elephant.

An elephant escaped from a zoo and no trace had been found....

Until a woman who had never seen an elephant before, called the police.

There's a weird animal in my garden. It's pulling up the cabbages with its tail. And what is worse, I cannot describe what it is doing with them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do elephants use as tampons?

Sheep.

Why do elephants have trunks?

Sheep don't have strings.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an animal that's part Frog, part Duck, part Elephant and part Rhino?

Fuckephino

What do elephants and ice cream have in common?

They both come in quartz

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Democrats are sexier than Republicans

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Is it true that Democrats are generally considered to be more attractive than Republicans?" he asks the bartender. "Well, have you every heard of a hot piece of elephant?" the bartender responds.

Does anyone know the opposite of export elephant?

It's important.

In the jungle, there's a Football (Soccer) match between the Elephants and the Insects...

By half-time the elephants are completely dominating the insects with a score of 36 - 0.
At the start of the 2nd half the Millipede came on for the insects and he was the best player in the whole of the jungle!
When the final whistle blew it was 37 - 36 to the insects!!


Afte...

What do you get when you mix an elephant and a hooker?

A two ton pickup

If it's not about elephants, it's irrelephant. But what if it's about ants?

Pertinant.

An elephant drinking from a stream spots a tortoise lounging on the shore.

He grabs it with his trunk and flings it into the jungle. A passing zebra asks, "Why did you do that?" ...... "Forty years ago that very tortoise nipped my tail just for fun," the elephant said. "Wow" says the Zebra, "forty years ago! How did you remember that?" "That's easy" said the elephant. "...

Me: “Why did the elephant paint his toenails red?”

Them: “Why?”

Me: “To hide in the strawberry patch”

Them: “……..”

Me: “have you ever seen an elephant in a strawberry patch?”

Them: “no?”

Me: “then I guess it works”

Cue applause.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The elephant

A man goes into his doctors after being assaulted by an elephant in the jungle.

As the man explains what happened in the jungle the doctor is confused.

\- "Well, I can't see any injuries on you, so what happened?"

The man responds:

\- "Well you see Doc, the elephant knoc...

A medieval king was hunting in Africa. He killed a lion, an elephant, and a hippopotamus, and awarded the skins to his three squires back home in his kingdom. Thus, the three squires became known as the Lion Squire, the Elephant Squire, and the Hippo Squire.

As the years passed, the Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire became very jealous of the Hippo Squire because they wanted the hippo skin too. So, they hatched a plan to assassinate the Hippo Squire and divide the hippo skin between them equally.

Now the Lion Squire had eight sons, and the Elep...

Why were the elephants kicked out of the public pool?

They kept dropping their trunks.

Elephant in a fridge (what style of humour is this joke?)

How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

(This is a 6 in 1 joke)
Person 1: You have 500 bricks. If you throw one off a plane, how many will you have left?
Person 2: 499.
Person 1: Correct!

Person 1: How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Person 2: That’s not...

I used to have a job circumcising elephants…

The pay was bad, but the tips were big.

Q: What's gray and comes in pints?

A: An elephant.

An elephant saw a man urinating in the woods

The elephant asks to the man “ how are you able to drink if the trunk is that far down”

There's this frog and he

... goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a vacation."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick, and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For my first cake day I want to share a joke my dad told me when I was probably too young to really understand it. How does an elephant hide in the jungle?

Climbs to the top of a cherry tree and paints his balls red.

What’s the loudest sound in the jungle?

Giraffes eating cherries!

(Apologies if you’ve heard it before fellow Redditors! Maybe by next cake day I’ll get better material)

How would an elephant smell without a trunk?

Trunk or no trunk, he would still smell terrible.

How do you fit an Elephant in a refrigerator ?

Open the door, shove in the Elephant, close the door.


*How do you fit a Giraffe in a refrigerator?*

Open the door, take out the Elephant, shove in the Giraffe, close the door.


*A plane has 20 bricks on the right hand side and 21 bricks on the left side. How do you balanc...

I got this from my 12yo cancer patient as I was rounding today...

How do you put an elephant in a Safeway bag?

You take the f out of safe and the f out of way.

How can you find an elephant in the dark?

You can smell the peanuts on his breath

Some people say elephants love alcohol because they love the taste…

but I think it’s because they drink to forget.

Why did the elephant cross the road?

Because the chicken stepped on his toe.

Elephant Joke

It seems that there was this lady who had never seen an Elephant before (preposterous you say?)

She didn't even know what one looked like!

Well, as luck would have it, after leaving the farm and moving to the city, she woke up one morning, and lo and behold, there was an elephant in he...

How do you persuade elephants to go swimming?

Remind them that they already have their trunks on.

I have the memory of an elephant.

I saw an elephant.

I used to make a living by circumcising elephants

The pays were lousy but the tips were huge!

My balloon elephant wouldn't fit in my backseat

So I had to pop the trunk

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.

What's the difference between a tavern and an elephant fart?

One is a bar room, and the other is a "BAAAH-ROOOM!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So an tiger was smoking in the forest...

... a rat happened past and started laying into him: "We live in such a beautiful forest; you are such a majestic and beautiful creature, why the hell are you killing yourself like this. Come with me and I'll show you sights to live for!"

Intrigued the tiger drops his cigarette and follows th...

What weighs more?

A ton of feathers or a ton of elephants?

How many elephants does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Well, technically just two. It would have to be a pretty huge lightbulb to fit them though.

When an elephant is sitting on your fence, what time is it?

Time to get a new fence.

Courtesy of the Christmas cracker I just pulled: What do you get if you cross a fish and two elephants?

Swimming Trunks

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 6 year old boy visits the zoo with his parents…

…where they stop to see the elephant. While the father’s in the restroom, the son notices one elephant has a rather large erection. Curious, he gets his mom’s attention.

“Mommy, what’s that hanging from the elephant?” “Oh, that’s its trunk honey.” “No, further back!” “Ah, you mean its tail!” ...

A man goes to the doctor

\- Doctor, I see blue elephants everywhere.

The doctor then asks:

\- Have you seen a psychologist?

The man:

\- No, no doctor, only blue elephants!

Helping an Elephant

An American exchange student goes to Africa. While there, he spends a lot of time hiking around in the jungle. One day, he hears a commotion. He goes towards the sounds. Peering through some bushes, he spots an elephant.

The elephant seems to be in some distress. The student steps through...

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?

Elephino. It just isn't rhelephant.

(This joke works best when said out loud.)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man scores a hot date Not wanting to disappoint his date in the bedroom, he goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged.

The doctor says, "we happen to have a new experimental procedure that uses muscle cells from an elephant trunk that should do the trick." To which the man accepts.

Later on, the man and his date are having dinner. The man is in love with her, but is experiencing an increasingly uncomfortable ...

What happened to Batman and Robin when a herd of elephants trampled over them ?

They became Flatman and Ribbon...

"It's a long tale" said the fox

"I'm all ears" said the elephant

Why don't elephants ride tricycles?

They don't have a thumb to ring the little bell.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do elephants make love in water?

Well, how else do you keep a two tonne fanny wet for two hours?

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner

“Ringling Brothers is coming to town this week,” she said. “The poster says they have a dancing bear. I always wanted to see one of those.”

“Maybe next year,” says the man. “Work’s really busy this week.”

The next night at dinner, the man can barely sit down before his wife starts talk...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy sees an elephants penis at the zoo

He asks “mommy! whats that?"

Mom quickly replies "oh that's nothing" and walks on.

Later while passing the elephant the kid sees the weiner again and says to his dad "what's that daddy?"

Dad replies "oh thats the elephants penis"

kid says "oh, mommy says that's n...

My friend once had a job circumcising elephants

Well according to him the pay was lousy but at least the tips were huge!

Did you hear the one about the elephant with diarrhea?

No? Funny, it’s all over town.

Elephant never forgets

This man, Rajesh Patel wnet to Africa on a safari. While there, he comes upon an elephant, in great pain, with a giant thorn in its foot. Rajesh very carefully approaches the elephant, and gingerly removes the thorn from its foot. The elephant begins to walk away, then turns and stares at Rajesh for...

A man walked onto a bus with an elephant.

He stuffs a piece of bread into each ear of the elephant.

"What the hell is that???" Yelled the shocked driver.

The man replies, annoyed "None of your business what I put in my sandwich."

What do you call an elephant that flies ?

A Jumbo Jet...

A pink elephant walks into a bar

The barman looks at him and says

“You’re too early mate, he’s not in yet”

an elephant looked through the tall grass when he saw a nudist tribe

it gasped and said said “how do you breathe through those?”

Why do elephants wear blue tennis shoes?

(So they land softer when they're sky diving?) No, because white ones scuff up too easily.

\---

Why shouldn't you go out in the savannah between 4pm and 6pm?
\--That's when the elephants go sky-diving

\---

Why do elephants live in herds?
\---To get the group dis...

Call a girl beautiful thousand times and she'll not even notice. Call a girl fat once and she'll never forget.

Because elephants have very good memory.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You are on a horse galloping at a constant speed. On your right side, is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse, but your horse is unable to overtake it...

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

Why did the elephant paint his dong yellow?

To hide in the banana tree...

Whats the loudest noise in the jungle? ...The monkeys eating breakfast

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?

Steve. Just because he's irrelephant doesn't mean we don't use his name.

What do you get when an Elephant runs over Batman and Robin?

Flatman and Ribbon.

There is an elephant and a giraffe in the bathroom

The giraffe says "pass the soap, please"

And the elephant says "no soap, radio!"

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.