A billionaire buys an elephant

Two billionaire friends meet. After a casual conversation, one of them finally asks: So, how's your home life?

The other answers: Couldn't be better! I bought an elephant!

The other guy looks at him astonished: An elephant? Have you gone mad?

The guy replies, smiling: Oh, man, ...

Joke from my 12 year old “why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?”

Because they’re so good at it!

Please don’t ban me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mum, dad and their son go to the zoo. When they get to the elephants, one walks over in their direction. The son asks the mother “what’s that hanging done”. The mother says “that’s his trunk”. “No behind that” says the son. “Oh that’s nothing” replies the mother.

The son then asks the dad, who says “that’s the elephant’s penis, son”. “Then why did mummy say it’s nothing?” Asks the boy. “Son, I’ve really spoiled that woman”

How do you tell an African from an Indian elephant?

The ears.
Lift them up and whisper “Where you from?”.

My balloon elephant wouldn't fit in my backseat

So I had to pop the trunk

My friend once had a job circumcising elephants

Well according to him the pay was lousy but at least the tips were huge!

A naked Tarzan sees an elephant drinking from the pond.

The elephant after seeing him approach says, "How much water can you drink from that tiny thing son?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes into his doctors after being assaulted by an elephant in the jungle.

As the man explains what happened in the jungle the doctor is confused.
"Well, I can't see any injuries on you, so what happened?"

The man responds
"Well you see Doc, the elephant knocked me down and.... Had his way with me.. I know it's bad but can you have a look for me?"

The d...

An elephant and an ant got into an argument.

The elephant lost his temper decided he was going to squash the ant.

The ant exclaimed, "ONLY IF YOU CAN CATCH ME!!!!" and ran off.

Elephants is chasing the ant, and as ant rounds a corner, he sees a rabbit.

"Yo, rabbit! Can I hide out in your fur? This elephant wants to kill m...

What do you call an elephant that flies ?

A Jumbo Jet...

I have the memory of an elephant.

I saw an elephant.

What do you do when you come across an elephant in the jungle?

Wipe it off and say you’re sorry!

(Works best verbally)

What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

Walk him and pitch to the rhino.

I bought my friend an elephant for their room

They said "Thank you"

I said "Don't mention it"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For my first cake day I want to share a joke my dad told me when I was probably too young to really understand it. How does an elephant hide in the jungle?

Climbs to the top of a cherry tree and paints his balls red.

What’s the loudest sound in the jungle?

Giraffes eating cherries!

(Apologies if you’ve heard it before fellow Redditors! Maybe by next cake day I’ll get better material)

How do you fit an elephant into a Safeway bag?

You take the F out of way.


*pause to let them ponder*


... there is no F in way...

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?

Elephino. It just isn't rhelephant.

(This joke works best when said out loud.)

Why do elephants have long noses?

So they can scratch their bag

I like elephants.

Everything else is irrelephant.

What do you get when you mate and Elephant with a Rhino?

You get thrown out of the Safari Park

Did you hear about the elephant with two trunks?

He was carrying his luggage.

A man walked outside and saw an Elephant in his backyard

A man walked outside and saw an Elephant in his backyard eating cabbages of his garden. The man, who had never seen anything like it before, ran to his neighbours house and said ‘Neighbour Neighbour a huge, weird creature is in my garden. Come look! He’s picking up cabbages with his tail and you won...

An elephant escapes from the circus

It wanders around and eventually ends uo in an old lady's garden eating the vegetables. The old lady came out and had never seen an elephant before nor did she know what it was. Panicked she ran inside and called the police

"Hello, what is your emergency" said the operator

"There is so...

A medieval king was hunting in Africa. He killed a lion, an elephant, and a hippopotamus, and awarded the skins to his three squires back home in his kingdom. Thus, the three squires became known as the Lion Squire, the Elephant Squire, and the Hippo Squire.

As the years passed, the Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire became very jealous of the Hippo Squire because they wanted the hippo skin too. So, they hatched a plan to assassinate the Hippo Squire and divide the hippo skin between them equally.

Now the Lion Squire had eight sons, and the Elep...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man has an elephant...

A man has an elephant that is getting too expensive to feed, so he puts an ad in the paper for a 50/50 contest. 20 dollars to enter, and if you can make the elephant jump, you win half the pot. Many people try but nobody can do it. One day, a slick guy in a Cadillac shows up puts money in the jar...

A guy walks into a bakery with an elephant and puts a piece of bread in each of it's ears.

The baker asks just what the heck are you doing?? He replies 'None of your business what i put in my sandwiches.'

An Elephant, a Giraffe and a Penguin walk in to a bar

It's at this point I realise that there is something wrong with my pint.

Elephant jokes, because it's what 2021 needs

Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out forest fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks.

Bonus #1: How can you tell an elephant has been in your refrigerator? Footprints in the cheesecake.

Bonus #2: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? Time...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rat an an elephant are walking around when the rat falls into a hole.

The rat panics as the hole was deep and he couldnt get out. The elephant looks at the situation and offers help.

“I know this isnt’t ideal but youre gonna have to trust me”

The rat desperate and exhausting all other options he asks for the elephants idea

“Im gonna stick my pen...

What is an Elephant’s favorite holiday?

9/11 because they never forget!

Why was the elephant arrested?

It forgot it's swim trunks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man scores a hot date

Not wanting to disappoint his date in the bedroom, he goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged.
The doctor says, "we happen to have a new experimental procedure that uses muscle cells from an elephant trunk that should do the trick." To which the man accepts.

Later on, the man and his...

I’ve got the memory of an elephant...

I remember one time I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.

My uncle used to circumcise elephants. The pay was terrible, but...

The tips were massive.

What recipe uses chicken and elephant parts?

Chicken Dumbo

What did the Elephant say to the naked man?

"How do you breathe through that little thing?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get if you cross an elephant and a pornstar?

A failing grade in your photoshop class.

What do you call an elephant small enough to fit in your ear?

It's earelephant.

How do you catch an elephant?

First, you’ll need to dig a hole deep enough for an elephant. Proceed to complete surround the hole with green peas and fill the bottom of the hole with ashes.
*Once the elephant bends down to take a pee, kick it in the ash hole.*

Tell a woman she's beautiful a thousand times and she'll still act like she's never heard it before. Call a woman fat once and she'll always remember.

Because elephants never forget.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW An elephant has a splinter stuck in her foot, and it's driving her crazy.

NSFW

She can't move much and is in a miserable state. Along comes a mouse.

"Please, Mr. Mouse, take this splinter out of my foot so I'm not in so much pain" says the elephant.

The mouse rubs his chin, "on one condition"

"Anything" says the elephant

"I want to have...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elephant is standing on a street corner with an erection.

His thing is HUGE, hangs all the way to the ground.

At that moment a mother is taking her son to school and the son looks at the elephant and says "Mommy what is that?"

Mom: "Oh that's the trunk honey"
Kid: "No mom, further back between the legs"
Mom: "Oh that? That's n...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Elephant and a Camel met for the first time..

Elephant: Yo, why do you have titties on your back?

Camel: Hahaha, it's better than having a dick on my face!

There is an elephant and a giraffe in the bathroom

The giraffe says "pass the soap, please"

And the elephant says "no soap, radio!"

Did you know: If you stacked every elephant on earth on top of each other...

...most of them would fall.

What do you get when you mix an elephant and a kangaroo?

Big holes all over Australia.

What do you call an elephant that is pleasingly graceful and stylish in appearance and manner?

An elegant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s an elephant’s sex organ?

Their foot! Because if they step on you, you’re screwed.

Why do elephants have tails?

So they don’t end abruptly

What happens if you mate a rhinoceros and an elephant?

El-iph-ino.

Elephant Never Forgets

An elephant and a crocodile were swimming in the Amazon, when the elephant spots a turtle sunning himself on a rock.

The elephant walks over to the turtle, picks him up in his trunk and hurls him far into the jungle.

"What did you do that for?" asks the crocodile.

The elephan...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you know if two elephants were having sex in your backyard?

Your fence is knocked down and one of your Hefty trash bags is missing.

How do you put an elephant in a fridge?

\-You have to open the door first.


....I know its lame

My kid asked what we would get if we crossed a rhinoceros and an elephant.

I said, elifino.

What’s grey and comes in pints?

An elephant.

500 bricks on a plane

Q. There are 500 bricks on a plane, one falls off, how many left?

A. 499

Q. What are the 3 simple steps of putting an elephant in a refrigerator?

A. Open refrigerator, put elephant in, close refrigerator.

Q. What are the 4 simple steps of putting a giraffe in a refrigerat...

3 elephants are falling from a cliff

Two land on ground the third on water.






Ba dum tss

What’s a large grey animal that doesn’t matter?

An irrelephant

How to catch an elephant

Elephants live in the jungle, so first, you have to go into the jungle.

Your going to have to dig a hole big enough to trap the elephant in.

Next you have to gets lots of leaves, sticks or anything that you can burn and place it into the hole, then burn it to ash.

You have to f...

I once shot an elephant in my pyjamas

How it got in my pyjamas? I dont know...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The animals in the zoo are bored.

The snake says "I know, we can play billiards" The elephant scoffs "How. we don't have a table?" The snake explains they can do tricks, and the other animals judge them as to how many balls they have sunk. So each animal does their best and the snake is winning, showing off he says to the elephant "...

What's the difference between a BMW and an elephant.

Elephant has a trunk up front and a**hole in the back.

I'm thinking of hiring an elephant.

I hear they work for peanuts.

Bernie is walking down the street and runs into Sheldon, an old acquaintance

Bernie says, "Sheldon, I am so glad I ran into you. I know some circus people and I can get you an elephant for $100."

Sheldon: What am I going to do with an elephant?

Bernie: He can put thing up on high shelves, He can spray you with water, You know, elephant things.

Sheldon: ...

Nelly The Elephant caught Covid.

Nelly The Elephant caught Covid. When the doctors asked her where she thought she got it from she went "Trump Trump Trump"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy sees an elephants penis at the zoo

He asks “mommy! whats that?"

Mom quickly replies "oh that's nothing" and walks on.

Later while passing the elephant the kid sees the weiner again and says to his dad "what's that daddy?"

Dad replies "oh thats the elephants penis"

kid says "oh, mommy says that's n...

Why can't elephants use computers?

Because they are scared of the mouse

(NSFW) The elephant and the ant

An ant stood by the river, need to go to the other side.
Desperately looking around and can’t find any way to cross.
Then...

An elephant went by

The ant goes “hi mister elephant, would you do me a favour and take me to the other side?”

The elephant say “sure little ant, j...

What do a fire truck and an elephant have in common?

They’re both red, except for the elephant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You are on a horse galloping at a constant speed. On your right side, is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse, but your horse is unable to overtake it...

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

What does elephant and rabbit have in common?

They both start with letter R if elephants name is Raul

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does an elephant camouflage? & What's the loudest thing in the forest?

He paints his balls in red and climbs on a cherry tree & A giraffe eating a cherry.

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?

Steve. Just because he's irrelephant doesn't mean we don't use his name.

How do elephants transport stuffs?

In their trunks..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went to the doctor to inquire about options for penis enlargement...

"Doc," he said, "you've got to help me. My penis is miniscule. It always has been. The other boys used to make fun of me in the locker room, girls I dated would laugh at me as soon as we got to the bedroom... I experienced nothing but humiliation my whole life, until I met my wife, god bless her. Sh...

Remember Elephant jokes?

These are the first three that I learned a looooong time ago!

* Why do ducks have webbed feet? -- So they can stomp out forest fires.
* Why do elephants have flat feet? -- So they can stomp out flaming ducks.
* Why do elephants paint their toenails red? -- So they can hide in cherry tre...

Did you hear the zoo is hiring someone to perform elephant circumcisions?

The pay's not great, but the tips are pretty big.

What did the elephant say the first time he saw a naked man?

How are you supposed to feed yourself with that??

What should you do when you come across an elephant?

Apologize and wipe it off.

What happens to an elephant that loses his trunk?

He's truncated.

My 8 year old son told me that joke this morning. He didn't know what truncate meant, he just replaced the mp sound of trumpet with the nk sound, and said trunket. He'll make a good dad some day.

The first joke I remember my mother telling me over 50 years ago:

How do you get four elephants into a Volkswagen?

Two in the front, two in the back.

A man goes to an circus and he sees an elephant tamer and they start a conversation

The elephant tamer asks: "How do you think I can fit one of these elephants in a take away bag?"

The man asks: "How do you fit an elephant in a take away bag?"

The tamer replies: "You take the 't' from 'take' and the "f" in away."

The man replies: "There's no 'f' in way!"

What has 2 gray legs and 2 brown legs?

An elephant with diarrhea!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy lost his penis in an accident and there were no suitable donors...

A guy lost his penis in an accident and there were no suitable donors, so the only available option to the surgeon was to attach a baby elephant's trunk. After the surgery and healing process, the guy is ready to start dating again. He's out on his 1st date since the accident and while at the dinn...

Elephants never forget...

There was a boy who grew up in India with his father, a diplomat. When he was almost nine, he used to run away from his tutor and go to walk through the forests. On one such occasion, he heard a strange noise and veered off the path to investigate. He saw a young elephant, lying on the ground, appar...

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a giraffe?

A visit from the ethics board an a rescind of your grant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Joke About A Ranch

An amatuer rancher has 3 chickens, 2 hens, 5 cows, 2 bulls, 4 sheep, and 6 buffalo.

One day, him and his ranch hand went to the market to get ranch supplies, but they left their back door wide open.

When they got back, they walked inside and found a huge mess.

The furniture was ...

Stop asking how Dumbo flies

The answer is ear elephant

What do you call a really unimportant elephant?

Irrelephant

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was this guy who bought an elderly circus elephant;

There was this guy who bought an elderly circus elephant; I don't know why. Alas, he couldn't afford to feed it. He'd never seen an elephant jump with all 4 feet off the ground. So he started a contest: entry was $10, and the first person to get the elephant to jump with all 4 feet off the ground wo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"I just bought an elephant and it was the best purchase ever"

While walking down the street, a man meets a friend he hasn't met for a while. They stop and chat, talking about what's new in their lives. The friend mentions having bought an elephant pretty recently.

"It was the best purchase ever! It grazes on my lawn, keeping it perfectly trimmed. I ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.