Why do polar bears only live at the north pole?

Because if they also lived at the south pole, they would be bipolar bears.

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A baby polar bear asks his mom

"Momma am I 100% polar bear?"

"Of course you're 100% polar bear" she answers "go ask your father."

So he asks "Daddy am I a 100% polar bear?"

"Of course you're 100% polar bear.
I'm 100% polar bear, your mom's 100% polar bear.
Her parents are 100% polar bear,
my pare...

If you encounter a polar bear in the wild, lie down and pretend that you're dead.

It's good practice for when you'll be really dead, five minutes later.

A polar bear walks into a bar

"I'll have a whiskey....and coke", said the bear.

"Certainly, but why the big pause?"

"Because I was born with them", replied the bear.

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A polar bear cub comes home from school one day and says to his mother...

“Mom, are you sure I'm a purebred polar bear? I'm not part grizzly bear or anything?"

She says, "Of course you're 100% polar bear. I'm a polar bear, your dad's a polar bear, you're a polar bear."

The next day after school, he asks his father. "Dad, am I a purebred polar bear? Are you s...

What does happen to polar bears if they sit on ice too long

Polaroids

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What do you call a polar bear that exhibits rapid mood swings like that of a manic depressive, can live in both the arctic and antarctic, and shows equal sexual attraction to both male and female partners?

A bipolar bi-polar bi polar bear.

What do you get when you cross a hamster with a polar bear?

A loss of project funding and a stern telling off from the university ethics committee

A polar bear goes into a bar . . .

. . .and says to the bartender: “I’ll have a Gin and… Tonic.”

The bartender asks, “Why the big pause?”

And the polar bear replies, “I don’t know, I’ve always had them.”

Polar bear asks mama bear

Son: Mom are you a polar bear?

Mother: Yes son im a polar bear.

Son: Mom is my father a polar bear?

Mother: You father is a polar bear too.

Son: Hmmm, Is my grandfather a polar bear?

Mother (answers nervously): Yes son your grandfather is a polar bear and whole f...

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This baby polar bear is walking around on the glaciers with his mom...

...and he asks her “mom, am I 100% polar bear?” Mom is taken back a bit, but reassures him “my parents and my parents parents were 100% polar bear, so you are also”.

The baby finds his dad devouring a seal and asks him “dad am I 100% polar bear?” Dad is taken back a bit, but reassures hi...

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Am I a polar bear? Asks the baby polar bear

Baby bear: am I a polar bear?

Mama bear: well I’m a polar bear and your dad is a polar bear so of course you’re polar bear

Next day,
Baby bear: am I a polar bear?

Papa bear: well your mom is a polar bear and I’m a polar bear so yes son you have to be a polar bear

Nex...

Two scientists bring a polar bear to the South Pole

Two scientists bring a polar bear to the South Pole

Scientist 1: So this polar bear can survive in both the north *and* south poles?

Scientist 2: that’s correct. However, he’s prone to mood swings in the south

Scientist 1: maybe it’s his wife?

Scientist 2: or his husband...

How much does a polar bear weigh?

Enough to break the ice. Hi my name's Andy

A polar bear carries a large freezer into an ice factory....

On his way inside, he's stopped by a penguin wearing a tie and a nametag and carrying a clipboard.
"Why are you bringing a freezer into an ice factory??" The penguin asked.
"I'm a new hire," the polar bear replied, "I brought it with me because back home it freezes EVERYTHING. I thought it'...

What did the seal with the broken arm say to the Polar bear?

Do not consume if seal is broken.

What’s the difference between a Mexican and a polar bear?

Polar bears don’t have to hide from ICE

Why do you never invite polar bears to parties

Because they never break the ice

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Mum are you sure I'm a polar bear?

Mum are you sure I'm a polar bear?

Yes, why?

Are you really sure?

Yes, of course you are a polar bear, I'm a polar bear, your dad is a polar bear, your grand parents are polar bears, you are a polar bear?

Definitely?

Yes! You were in the coca cola advert and the...

Polar bears used to be brown but through evolution, they turned white

because Police were shooting them



\-Mark Normand

Why can’t polar bears eat penguins?

They can’t get the wrappers off them...

How to catch a polar bear

This is the first joke I ever told my grandpa(I was so little I don't even remember it) but he told everyone he could about it up to the day he passed.

Do you know how to catch a polar bear grandpa?

No I don't short-stuff, how do you catch one?

You cut a hole in the ice an...

How do you catch a polar bear?

Cut a hole in the ice.... Lay peas around the hole..... When they come to take a pea you kick them in the ice hole

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A bear ask his mom:Mother are you sure that i m a polar bear and not some other kinde of bear ?

His mother sais she s sure that he s a polar bear.Then the bear goes to his uncle and asks him:Are you sure that I m a polar bear and not some other kinde of bear?the uncle sais that he is sure that he is a polar bear.Then the bear goes to his grandma and ask her:hey grandma are you sure that i m a ...

A polar bear walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer

The barman says $18 please.

The polar bear pays and takes a seat.

Bemused, the barman approaches and says "this is exciting - we don't get many polar bears in here!", to which the polar bear replies: "I'm not surprised with beer at $18 a pint."

What is a polar bear?

It is a Cartesian bear in a different frame of reference.

What did the polar bear eat after the dentist fixed it’s tooth?

The dentist

I'm totally into polar bears.

Some people call me crazy.

I'm completely Inuit.

What's the difference between a Trump voter and a polar bear?

One is a fat, white, mindless killing machine with no conscience or future, and the other is a bear.

A polar bear who lived in the North Pole for 30 years decided he had enough of the cold.

So he started his trek towards somewhere warmer.

He rode a fishing boat to Canada and tried his luck there, but it was still too cold.

So he tried his luck again in Florida, but it was too hot.

Finally, he went to Ecuador and tried his luck there, only to discover how warm it is...

According to a news story, if global warming continues, in 20 years the only chance we’ll have to see a polar bear is in a zoo.

So in other words, basically nothing is going to change.

How did the hunter kill the polar bear?

He shot him right between the ice!

What is a polar bears favourite thing to eat?

Burrrr - Gurrrrs.

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Coming in from the snow one evening, a polar bear cub asked his mother, “Mom, am I 100% polar bear?“

His mother replied, “Yes, son! I am 100% polar bear and your father is 100% polar bear so that makes you 100% polar bear.“

Still not satisfied, the cub went to his father who gave him the same answer. “Of course, son! Both your grandmothers were 100% polar bear and both your grandfathers were...

What is a polar bear’s favourite government agency?

I.C.E!

What do yo call a polar bear at the beach?

Lost

Polar bear: Don't you just love these little igloo snacks...

Crunchy on the outside, soft and chewy on the inside.

What do you get when you cross a camel with a polar bear?

A fireside rug you can have a good hump on.

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A baby polar bear asked his dad.

Am I pure polar bear?” The dad replies, “Sure you are. You are all polar bear, your parents are all polar bear, your mom is all polar bear, and her parents are all polar bear.” Still unsure the baby polar bear goes to his mom and asks, “Mom, am I pure polar bear?” She answers, “Of course you are hon...

(Dad Joke) You know the best way to catch a polar bear, right?

First, you cut a giant hole in the ice at least 20 foot around. Then you take several bags of frozen peas and open them up and spread them all around the hole nice and even.


Then, when the bear comes up to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.

What do you get when you mix a Grizzly Bear with a Polar Bear?

A Bi-Polar Bear.

Why don't polar bears ever get married?

Because they all have cold feet.

Why did the polar bears on Noah's Ark hang out near the insects?

They were looking for the ark tick.

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A man walks into a pet store and asks for a polar bear ...

... surprisingly the store has one for sale. But the assistant warns the man:

"Do never, under any circumstances, tickle the bear behind the ears."

Of course, the man buys the bear and cheerfully takes it home. After a while he can't help the urge any more and tickles the bear behind t...

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“Mom, am I real polar bear?”

“Why yes son. Look at your polar bear claws and your white coat, of course you’re a real polar bear. “

“I guess your right, “ said the teenage polar bear.

A few days pass and the son (Fred) goes up to his father this time and asks him if he is in fact a real polar bear.

“Why ...

A male polar bear walks into his psychiatrist’s office wearing a dress.

“What seems to be the problem today?” The psychiatrist asks.

“I don’t know. Here lately it just seems like everything makes me angry and that I have no way to control my emotions. What do you thinks wrong?”

“I think you’re just bi-polar.”

Polar bears aren't the best animals in the world.

But they're all white.

Where does a polar bear keep his money?

In a snow bank.

What's the difference between Donald Trump and a baby polar bear?

It will be a year before the baby polar bear kills its first seal.

A polar bear walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, “can I get you anything?”

The polar bear replies, “why yes, can I get a pint of beer...

...

...

...and a bag of chips!”

The bartender, confused, asks, “why the large paws?”

Why is the polar bear so friendly?

Cause he's an ice guy!

A polar bear walks into a restaurant..

The polar bear tells the waitress,
"I'll have a Diet Coke, a double cheeseburger and a-"
...

...

... "side of fries."

"What's with the long pause!?" The waitress asked.

The polar bear replied,
"I was born with them."

What's a polar bear?

A rectangular bear after a coördinate transform.

Hey girl, do you know how much a polar bear weighs?

Just enough to be awkward when meeting a girl, hi my names steve.

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A polar bear cub nervously approaches his mother...

The mother was feasting on a seal, and the young fellow finally had the nerve to interrupt her.

"Mom? Mom?"

"Yes dear?"

"Are...are you sure I'm a polar bear?"

The mother lifts her snout and says, "Goodness, of course you are."

"But...but how do you know? For sure?"...

A polar bear walks in to a bar...

He sits down and the bar tender asks what he would like.

The polar bear says: " I'll have a..."

...

...

...

Bartender says: "a Burger?"

PB: ...

...

...

...

BT: "Some wings?"

PB: ...

...

...

PB: "a beer"...

Travel advisory: Polar bears visiting the South Pole have been reporting extreme manic depression.

It's not easy being bipolar.

What does a polar bear need to go through to publish a book ?

The seal of approbation.

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Little Polar Bear

A little polar bear goes to his father and says, "Dad, am I 100% polar bear?" Dad replies, "I don't know son, go ask your mother." So the little polar bear finds his mom and asks, "Am I 100% polar bear?" Mom thinks about it for a while and says, "Well, I'm a polar bear and your father is a polar bea...

Where do polar bears go to deposit money?

A snowbank

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A Polar Bear Cub

Walks up to its mother

"Mum, am I part Brown Bear?"

"No dear"

"Am I part Black Bear?"

"No dear, your all Polar Bear"

"Grizzly? Panda?"

"No why?!"

"Because I'm fucking freezing!"

Why did the polar bear join the terrorist group.

Because that is where the ISIS.

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Baby Polar Bear had a question for his dad

"Dad, am I 100% polar bear?" Hos dad smiled and responded "Baby Polar Bear, your mom is 100% polar bear, and I am too. Grandma and Grandpa are 100% as well. You are definitely 100% polar bear."

Unconvinced, Baby Polar Bear went to his mom. "Mom, am I 100% polar bear?" Mom grinned lovingly and...

How to catch a polar bear

Needed tools: one can of Jolly Green Giant Green Peas and an ice saw.

Step one: cut a polar bear sized hole in the ice
Step two: drain the juice from the peas and place them one at a time all the way around the hole you just cut in the ice.
Step three: when the polar bear come al...

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