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Alaska Jokes

Alaska has its own capital!

Did Juneau that?
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What does the Alaska police say in a interrogation

Alaska questions here
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Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise itā€™s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there. ā€œNameā€™s Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Hav...

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper...

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"<...
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I thought I saw an eye doctor in Alaska yesterday

But it was only an optical Aleutian
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What is a hooker in Alaska called?

A frostitute!
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The Pope's Alaska Visit

The Pope went on vacation to visit Alaska. He was cruising in the Pope-Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion. He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a 'Vote for Bernie' hat and a 'Save the Trees' shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, trying to free himself from t...
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A penguin grows tired of the cold winters in Alaska...

So he buys a used Corvette and heads south for warmer weather. About five hundred miles into the trip the Corvette starts to overheat.

He stops in a small town and finds a mechanic to get the issue fixed. The mechanic says he is not going to be able to look at the car for an hour, so the Pen...
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These two guys had just gotten divorces and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.

They got up there and went into a traderā€™s store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year."
The trader got the gear together and on top of each oneā€™s supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.
The guys said "Whatā€™s that board for?"
The tr...
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Donā€™t have sex in Alaska

The crabs there are the deadliest catch.

Ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska...

Shes been cold and distant.
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I know a skinny guy who moved to Alaska.

When he came back, he was a husky fucker.

If I want to bang an Eskimo...

Alaska
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"What's the capital of Alaska?"

\- "Juneau".

\- "No, I don't, that's why I'm asking".
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While sailing, I had trouble navigating the waters between Russia and Alaska.

I couldn't get my bearings straight.
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Bob was excited about his new .338 rifle and decided to try bear hunting.

He traveled
up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on
his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.


The black bear said, ā€œThat was a very bad mistake. That bear is my cousin, Iā€™m going to give you two choices. Either I mau...

A man from northern Alaska is on trialā€¦

The prosecutor asks in a menacing tone, ā€œWhere were you in the night from October to April?ā€
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A Texan is getting drunk in a bar in Alaska...

and he starts to brag about how great Texas is.

An Alaskan hunter comes up to him and says, "Listen, buddy. Here in Alaska, you ain't shit until you've done three things: Drink a fifth of Alaskan whiskey, shoot a polar bear, and make love to an Eskimo woman."

The Texan accepts the chal...

What do you call your siblingā€™s daughter that lives in Alaska?

Brrr-niece
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This is the Alaska State Police.

Where were you during the night of November 14th to February 12th?
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If Mississippi wears her New Jersey, what does Delaware ?

I dunno, Alaska.
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A guys car broke down in Alaska.

A mechanic came by to look at it and said "looks like you blew a seal" the guy replies "no thats just frost on my moustache"
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Parents: "We don't know how else to tell you. You're adopted. Your actual parents are from Alaska."

Kid: "Inuit all along!"
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The old professor started each lecture with a dirty joke.

After a real objectionable example of that one day, the
female students got together and decided that next time,
when this happens again, they will all walk out in unison.

The professor got wind of this plot. Next morning, after he
entered the lecture hall, he said: "Good morning! Ha...

In Alaska, itā€™s 50 degrees below zero.

It is so cold that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
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A reporter goes to a distant town in Alaska.

First he goes by train and then he has to ride a dog sled for several hours to get there. Upon arriving, he asks the town mayor:

"Have you considered building a train station closer to the town?"

"We have," answers the mayor, "but we eventually decided that the train station should be ...
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A guy moves to Alaska to get away from it all.....

After 6 months of isolation, he is starting to get lonely. On Dec 26th, there is a knock of the door for the first time. He opens the door to find a large middle aged man with a big beard and plaid shirt.

"I'm your neighbor from 11 miles down the road. I'm having a New Years Eve party and ...

Alaska doesn't exist

It was all an aleutian.
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A father and son go on a nature expedition in Alaska.

On their first day, they meet their guide who gives them a rundown of everything they can expect during their trip. During the conversation, the son notices a very large caliber pistol strapped to the ranger's side. "Wow, that's a big pistol" he comments, "What do you use it for?" "Well son, this is...

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Jim, tired of bustling city life, moves to a remote town in Alaska.

He loves the natural environment, exploring and fishing, and the quiet tranquility of his new home.

However, one thing he notices, to his dismay, is that there are no women in his new town.

He goes to the local bar and orders a drink. He asks the bartender about the conspicuous lack ...

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A doctor and his wife were playing golf at the local country club.

While on the 1st tee, his wife drove a 300 yard tee shot straight down the fairway. The doctor was amazed and exclaimed, "Wow! I've never seen you hit the ball this well before!" His wife replied, "Well, I took lessons."

A couple of days later, the doctor and his wife were on the tennis cour...

Do you hear about the earthquake in Alaska?

Sorry, thatā€™s a bad ice breaker.
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What's the most effective way to make it to Russia from Alaska?

Boat a compass and keeping your berings strait.
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A lumberjack just starts his job in Alaska...

So a lumberjack just starts his job in Alaska and it's been a while since he's been with a woman. So one day, he asks his boss what the other lumberjacks do for pleasure around here. He says "try the hole in the barrel out by the showers." So, the next day, the lumberjack is showering and he decides...

(OC) A buddy and I flew up to Alaska to do some ice fishing.

Neither of us had ever been and we were both pretty excited, but when we got there my friend was just too freaked out about falling through the ice and freezing to death to go. Well, I was still super stoked so I ended up calling a local tourist company and I hired a couple of locals to take me out...
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Two drunk male friends were walking in Alaska

They stopped a man and asked him:
- do you have white women here in Alaska
- yes we do
- do you have black women here in Alaska
- few of them but yes
- do you have women whom skin is mix of black and white here in Alaska
- how is that even possible
- one of them to his frie...

One day, after striking gold in Alaska.....

.....a Lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town.


"I'm lookin' for the meanest toughest and roughest hooker in the Yukon," he said to the bartender.


"We got her" replied the bartender. "She's upstairs in the second room on the ...
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In light of the rising frequency of human - grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is...

advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field. They advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in ...
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My girlfriend left me after I said she reminded me of our dessert, a baked Alaska.

Fire hot on the outside, but ice cold on the inside. I should have just said sweet.
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A Texas Man Moves To Alaska

So a Texas man moves to Alaska to find more oil for his company to drill. Here gets bored one night and goes to a local bar. The man sees "Impossible Challenge: Free beer for life for the winner!", out of curiosity he asks the bartender about it. "Hey bartender, what's the challenge?" The man asked....

Mystery Ink Reddit Bull, Claims Alaska Girl

Pics are expected to prove supposed underground print version of famed forum made with "disappearing ink" a hoax.
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Car broke down in Alaska

When the tow truck arrived the driver said ā€œIt appears you blew a sealā€

Guy said ā€œno, thatā€™s just mayonnaise, I ate a sandwich while waitingā€
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The Texan in Alaska

1960, Alaska is now a state. A Texan moves up to Alaska determined to be a citizen of the largest state in the union. He walks into the first bar in Juneau and shouts "All right, I'm going to be an Alaskan! You there, Barkeep, I'm going to be an Alaskan! What do I have to do to become an Alaskan!" <...

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I asked my dad where he thinks I should take my outdoor-loving girlfriend on vacation. He said Alaska.

Itā€™s been a month now and bastard still hasnā€™t told me.

What do John Cena and 4th of July fireworks in Alaska have in common?

Can't see 'em.
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An old cowboy from Texas recently heard that Alaska was the largest state

So he decided to uproot himself and move up to Alaska, to toss away the moniker of a cowboy and become a real Alaskan. He sold everything he owned, drove up to Alaska, and purchased some property.

After living there for a while, he knew he wasnā€™t quite an Alaskan, so he trekked down to the l...
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People say Alaska sucks because it's all ice...

but I think it's a real solid state.
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Culturally no one in alaska dates in the winter.

When asked why, one alaskan replied, "We try, but its hard to break the ice."
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I took a road trip to Alaska.

I took a trip to Alaska and stopped at a resort that lets you rent out gold pans that let you sort out gold in their river. They let you keep what you find.

Excited, I go out to find some plunder. I sat there searching for hours, and I couldnā€™t find a single speck.

When I walked into ...
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DRUNK ICE FISHING IN ALASKA

A drunk Alaskan decides to go ice fishing. He starts sawing a hole in the ice, but just then a booming voice says, "You will find no fish there."
The drunk ignores it and continues sawing. The voice repeats, "You will find no fish under the ice."
The drunk looks up and says, "God, is that you?...
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How do Russians drive to Alaska?

By bearing straight
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I was scared to move to Alaska after I heard that the sun doesnā€™t shine.

And then, it dawned on me.
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A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Shemya, Alaska.

The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife, "Honey, I want you to know that I haven't wasted all this time alone. Instead, I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!"

And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether.

"N...

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Two Eskimos are sitting in a bar in northern Alaska

One night, two Eskimos are sitting in a bar in northern Alaska, when they are accosted by a young man from the Mainland. The fellow has obviously been drinking. He slurs, "Hey, ya know, I've always admired you Eskimos. I REEAAALLLY like Eskimos. I've ALWAYS WANTED to be an Eskimo. Tell me how ta BE ...

50 Jokes for 50 US States Part II

# Alaska

An Alaskan was on trial in Anchorage. The prosecutor leaned menacingly toward him and asked, 'Where were you on the night of October to April?'

Disclaimer: This is not my joke. And I sure hope that its not a repost from any of the subs. I am sure that there will be numerous va...
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A man moves to Alaska......

A man moves to a small town in a remote part of Alaska, far removed from civilization. One of the first nights he's in town, he hits up the town bar, and the locals tell him to make sure he sticks around, as there'll be plenty of women around at midnight, and the guy's sure to get laid.

Midn...

I went on a date with a woman from Alaska...

Things were going pretty well, and we sincerely enjoyed each others company. Then at the end of the night, I tried to give her an Eskimo kiss, but I guess she wasn't really Inuit.
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So I heard there's a group of optometrists who founded a colony on an archipelago off the coast of Alaska, but the islands themselves are very weird to look at.

They're called the Optical Aleutians.
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The former governor of Alaska is contributing to the manufacturing of new unmanned aircraft for the Afghanistan War.

These quadricopters are going to be named "Strikekirts", which reads the same forwards and backwards.

Why?

It's because they are Palindrones.
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Why did the fisherman want to go fishing in Alaska?

Just for the halibut.
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Did you hear about the Alaska native that didn't like fish?

Yeah, he just wasn't inuit.
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I was hiking in Alaska when I encountered a sleeping family of bears and just had to take a photo.

It was a Kodiak moment.
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The first human migrants to America are about to cross the land bridge between Eastern Russia and Alaska. The navigator seems a bit lost.

The year is 13,000 BC. The first human migrants to America are about to cross the land bridge between Eastern Russia and Alaska. The navigator seems a bit lost.

"You alright?" They ask him, waiting eagerly at the shore with a distant view of the new lands that awaited them.

"Yeah, I th...
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What do you call a nudist beech in Alaska?

Frosted tips
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Name a town in alaska that has no dogs.

Dogless Fairbanks
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What would you call a Russian invasion of Alaska?

Ice [Krim](http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/%D0%9A%D1%80%D1%8B%D0%BC)
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I once killed an adult male Grizzly bear on a ski trip in Alaska with a small serrated knife.

I had no idea grizzlies could ski or where the bear got the knife.
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It gets cold in Alaska during the winter.

Juneau what I mean?
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Whatā€™s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted





Thank you Alaska Airlines rep
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I was stumbling my way back to my airbnb near Anchorage, Alaska at 2 am and got a little lost.

I came to a graveyard and realized where I was staying was just on the other side, so I figured I'd just cut through. As I approached the graveyard I came across 3 young ladys, nicely dressed and in high heels. They were also looking to also cross the graveyard and seemed to have a fun night out the...
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Did you know? There is a species of frog in Alaska

There is a species of frog in Alaska that freezes during the winter and while frozen, the frog stops breathing, its heart stops beating, its palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there's vomit on its sweater already, mom's spaghetti.
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I have a fetish for indigenous girls. Wanted to have sex with this girl in Alaska, but, unfortunately...

... She wasn't inuit.

In an attempt to create synergy, an airline and a beer company merged. It think it was a smart move for the newly formed Alaska Natural Ice.

However, I'm less optimistic about Corona Delta.
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A guy driving through Alaska has car trouble.

He finds a garage in town, and the mechanic tells him he'll check out the car, and to go across the street to the diner and have lunch during the wait, because it will take about 30 minutes.

The guy goes to the diner, then back to the garage in a half hour, and asks the mechanic what's up. <...
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"Hey man, the 49th state is pretty cute. Do you know if she's single or not?"

"I'm not sure, but Alaska."
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TIL: A thousand years ago, a group of Native Americans tried to cross into Russia from Alaska but failed.

They couldnā€™t get their Bering Strait.
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What did the Alaska Native's girlfriend say when she broke up with him?

*"I'm just not that Inuit."*
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On an airplane to Alaska I was talking with the man next to me about fishing the rivers.

He asked if I'd thought about protecting myself from bears.

I proudly told him about the small caliber pistol I had for protection.

The man then asked "Have you filed off the sights?"

Edit: Spelling. I was home-schooled.

Confused I responded "No, why would I do that?"...
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A man spends his life working and living in New York and retires to the remote wilderness of Alaska...

His house is in the middle of nowhere. He had been living there for months and getting lonely when one day he was out on his property and a man came out of the woods...

"Hello there!" called the man, "Hows it going? You must be new to these parts."

"Yes I am" replied the retiree. "Do y...

"Where's your mother from?" my friend asked

"Alaska"

"No worries, I will ask her myself."
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A salesman finally retires and moves far away...

....from everyone in the middle of Alaska. After 6 months of blissful solitude he hears a knock on his front door. He answers to a burly bearded man wearing overalls.

"My name's Lars, yer nearest neighbor a few miles down the road. I wanted to invite you to a party I'm having this weekend." <...

A man spies a beautiful woman in a bar.

Turns to his scottish friend and asks "Do you think she lives in America?"
"Alaska"

"When?"
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I wonder what my wife's favourite US state is.

Maybe Alaska.
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A few years ago my wife asked me if I'd seen the news story about a Moose walking into a lobby in Alaska. It sounded so much the first line of a joke that I figured I had to come up with something...

A moose walks into a hotel lobby in Alaska and starts eating the plants.

The hotel manager comes over and says, "Juneau, it's illegal to eat the foliage, don't you?"

The Moose looks at him calmly, still chewing, and says, "Nome, Nome, Nome."
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My Alaskan Girlfriend broke up with me the other day...

I kept telling people she was an Eskimo, but I guess she wasnā€™t Inuit.
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Brain fart

Boss: Does your wife want to go skiing with my wife in North America?

Employee: Alaska?

Boss: Great, the and let me know by Monday.
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I told my friend that my girlfriend went on holiday to the west indies.

He said "Jamaica"...

I said, "No, she went of her own accord." I then added, "For her next holiday, she's off to one of the coldest states in America."

He said "which one"

I said "Alaska".

He said, "don't bother. I'll ask her, myself."
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3 nuns die and go to heaven...

.. when they get there saint peter tells them he can grant them to be reincarnated as anyone they want for 6 months. The first nun walks up and said "I want to be a young and beautiful Brittany Spears" ((snap)) she disappeared.. the second nun walks up and says "I want to be Janet Jackson with lungs...
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A guy is driving through a snowstorm in Alaska when his car breaks down...

...so he gets it towed to the nearest mechanic. As he awaits the diagnosis he steps out for a smoke. He walks back in after smoking and a few moments later the mechanic comes out and says to him, "um...it looks like you blew a seal." To which the man responds, "oh nah, that's just some frost on m...
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Best submarine

Last Saturday, a British, a Russian and an American admiral met in Pearl Harbour, and standing on the water front, they were bragging about their ships.

British admiral: "I say chaps, we have a jolly good new submarine, which can go around Ireland under water without surfacing once. It's bloo...

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